I Am who I Am

Episode Summary — I Am who I Am

In this deeply personal episode, Tombo Baldwin explores the meaning of identity, authenticity, and what it really means to say “I Am.” Building on the foundation laid in the MindSoil series, Tom reflects on his journey back to his authentic self—a journey shaped by hardship, love, fear, healing, and quiet introspection.

Tom shares how seasons of crisis, including his wife Adrian’s cancer journey, stripped life down to what truly matters. In choosing to show up for others, he also realized how disconnected he had become from himself—using distraction, comfort, and constant noise to avoid facing deeper wounds. Through counseling, vulnerability, and intentional quiet, Tom began reconnecting with the fractured parts of himself and rediscovering who he truly is beneath the roles, habits, and coping mechanisms.

This episode weaves together spirituality, lived experience, and practical wisdom as Tom reflects on the idea that we existed before this life, are part of something divine, and are meant to live with purpose. He revisits childhood memories of joy, curiosity, and optimism—reminding listeners that authenticity often means returning to who we were before fear, trauma, and “poison agreements” reshaped us.

I Am is an invitation to slow down, get honest, seek help when needed, and reconnect with your true self. It’s about choosing healing, embracing vulnerability, and remembering that changing your reality starts with knowing who you are.

Transcript

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(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Well, here we go again, round two. I guess I needed a little practice today. Hey, welcome all you yuppers, I so appreciate you. You are amazing and let's get into it. Hey, we got the music, I love the music. And for those of you, which is all of you cause nobody knows because I'm not gonna publish the last podcast I did because I guess today it was just practice but I got a new Hero 13 camera. No, not for Christmas, but sorta. I bought it for work but I'm also using it for the podcast to take pictures cause I am. Those of you that don't know, a general contractor and I do a lot of tile work and I love doing tile work and it's often hard to take pictures of tile and the GoPro Hero 13 has a wide lens and you can get an ultra wide lens which is amazing and so I'm experimenting here and so this is brand new. Podcast, faux pas right there. Brand new and so hey, and it's funny cause today's podcast, I'm already struggling with today's podcast because I realized now that I'm recording myself that today's podcast is all about that and I'm having hesitations cause I watched the first podcast I did and I'm like, oh, Tom. And even though I joke, I do struggle with how I look at this time. Wow, lots of coughing. And so I don't necessarily like watching myself podcasting. I've got used to my voice and I think I have a totally awesome voice. But yeah, you'll know once we get into the podcast today. Hey, I do, I so appreciate you, all that you, who you listen, we're approaching 10,000 downloads. Can you believe the Yup, I Got You podcast is approaching 10,000 downloads? So hey, if you have friends or something, share the podcast with them and let's get us over the 10,000 hump and let's get more people in this community, I love this community. Those of you that listen, I know the only reason that you listen is because you love the practical redneck wisdom and the learned life experience. I just, I'm like you, wow. I'm learning as I go along and I like to share it. Not that I'm better, I'm not better. I just, I figured some things out and I'm still figuring things out and I want those that listen to not have to go through the pain and have some, wow, shortcuts along the way. My cough is from, I took too much nicotine this morning and my wife warned me, she's like, whoa, you are amped up today and I can't understand what you're saying. You need to calm down a bit because too much nicotine, talking too fast and nicotine tends to affect my ability to enunciate words and so I just had some protein, probably too fast up here, protein, brushed the teeth and now I'm choking on leftover whatever, toothpaste, I don't know. But we're gonna move on. Today's podcast is an awesome podcast. Just because the subject is something I've been dealing with for a long time and I feel like I've made some really good progress. Those of you that are asleep out there, what I mean is you haven't awoke maybe to live in a better life, switch in reality, living with purpose, this podcast may wake you up a bit and I hope so and those of you that are waking up like myself and realizing that you can shift reality, you can move into a life with purpose, you can see good things come into your life and you can also stop the bad crap and bad stuff happens to everybody but sometimes we make agreements from poison agreement that allows the bad stuff in and yeah, we wanna stop that and we want more of that good stuff. So the name of today's podcast is I Am and it is referencing a statement that I made at the end of Mine Soil Cultivation. If you haven't listened to that, that's a great podcast and then the Mine Soil One kind of foundational stuff if you're wanting to start switching your reality to the awesome life that you're designed to live. Those are some great foundational podcasts but at the end of Mine Soil Cultivation, I said a phrase, I am who I am, I am of I am and those of you that are Christians out there and like gosh, that sounds like what God said to Moses and it is similar, I'm not claiming to be God, I am of I am and I do believe in the creator, my life experience and my research even though not completely exhaustive, fairly exhaustive research leads me to believe in a creator and a God ascribed in the Bible. Now the Bible, a little subject that we're gonna talk about in the future can vary where you find it in the world and it can have more or less books and so I don't necessarily believe that the complete scriptures are the ones that we see in the United States and I believe there are other books and so when I reference the Bible, I'm more talking about ancient sacred texts, those that refer to the God of the Hebrews which we in the New Testament have been grafted in and so I totally believe in a deity and I believe I'm a part of the family so the statement, I am who I am, I am of I am, the last part is that I am part of divine, I am divine and interesting, most of us believe that we started out in our mother's womb but if you are a believer in the sacred ancient texts which I think there's a fair amount of evidence that even if you don't fall into the mantra these days that you're saved by Jesus and there's a whole nother thing with that I think we could talk about but the modern Christian church or the modern Christian cult says, just say this little prayer and then you'll be into the kingdom of God and come to church on a regular basis, you can see I have some bias here because I'm about authenticity and genuineness and you can't just have these cute little phrases if you believe you're divine and you're part of divine and you're part of the divine family, it should change your life, like blow it up. Well, in Jeremiah, part of the ancient sacred texts, there's a verse, well, there's a passage, okay, let's not use verse, that's kind of the Christian, you know, there were no verses, it was just text so there's a phrase from there where God speaking to Jeremiah says, I knew you before I knit you in your mother's womb. Whoa, you should be blown away by that phrase alone just because before you were formed, that little egg and that little sperm that happened through a wonderful act called making love if you're in a covenant or having sex that has a wonderful outcome of a child which is amazing and being a parent is amazing, it's probably the best thing that I've done in my life but having sex and making love is also pretty amazing which I have talked about in previous podcasts and we'll probably talk about it again because it's a topic that should be talked about in a proper way but you, the creator, you existed before that time so you will also probably, if we can use some logic which is a lost thing, many of you, I shouldn't, ah, logic, we'll just go here, logic seems to be lost with many people and that's not you because you listen to this podcast and you love logic so we will exist after this and so we are divine and so this life that we live that we can remember, I don't know about you but my earliest memories are probably six-ish years old maybe some earlier ones but really fragmented and the only ones that really have substance are probably around six years old which I'll talk about one specific in this podcast today that has real meaning but I am who I am, I am of I am, that phrase leads to this podcast and it is reflective of my journey for authenticity. I am who I am. My journey for authenticity has been intense this last year and I would say the journey's been going on my whole life but my willingness and my bandwidth to engage and actually be aware of it, I would say, has varied throughout the years before and in this last year, it has really come into the forefront and it really started after Adrian's cancer diagnosis and Adrian and I just having a lot of conversations, having a lot of time to reflect, talk, and process and I'll tell you, whether you face or someone else faces something serious like that, I tell you, things get real really fast and everything else like falls away and I tell you, it's stark and it's raw and it's hard and there are tears, there's anger, there's emotions but what a blessing to have all that stuff stripped away. I know many of you are like, how can you say that's a blessing because there is incredible clarity as all the stuff and our stuff is the same but it's different, okay? The stuff you deal with is the same as mine but it's different. Some of you deal with issues of addiction like I do, food, alcohol, overeating, comfort, too much stress, right? All that stuff, trying to satisfy the ache with things, compulsive TV watching or compulsive media, whatever it is, pornography, huge on the rise, trying to satisfy needs and desires and it all gets stripped away. What a blessing. I am so grateful for that season. I feel and I know for Adrian and I, the amount of growth that happened in that season is tremendous, like take a decade, maybe two decades of growth in a matter of six months to a year. When all that gets stripped away, you get a look at the real stuff but even amidst all that and even amidst making that having that stripped away, my focus on that season was on Adrian and so I poured all my energy into Adrian and for better or for worse, probably since I only had so much bandwidth, it was better to spend it on her. I didn't deal with my issues. You know, we had great conversations and lots was stripped away but what did Tom do? What a man does, what a man needs to do is take care of those he loves and a good man and a good father does that and if you don't have that, got a little bit on fathers in the exclusive content, you're really gonna wanna listen to it because you find out what fathers are really supposed to be and it's really good stuff and if you haven't subscribed to exclusive content, $5, not much, $70 a year and you're getting extra stuff and you're helping support this podcast. We're not making buku bucks but we might actually cover a little bit of the cost which is a good thing. So during this season, really focused on Adrian, not doing a lot of introspection myself, helping her process this and I guess in some ways, I'm processing this but my focus really is on her as it should have been and it was a good choice and my wife being the awesome person she is towards the end of the treatment, part of this cancer journey included which is an awesome benefit, counseling for the cancer patient and as well as the extended family that wanted to come in and so Adrian's like, hey, you should really come in and me, Caitlin and for my wife to really like a counselor and go in is amazing for one. That's a miracle, like chalk it up right there and so I went in and we're talking and towards the end, my wife is like, I'd really like Tom to come in. He really hasn't had anybody to talk to and I'm over there, you know, just starting to choke up and Caitlin looks at me and says, would you like to come in? And I was like, no and then I'm like, but I need to. Sometimes I'm just like, what I loved about that moment for myself and I'm gonna reflect and give an attaboy here was this was my start, not my start but this was a milestone towards authenticity and genuineness and realizing I'm looking, here's a fractured man, that's right, a fractured man, hurt that he could lose his wife, scared but has to be strong, has to hold together. I'm sorry, I'm reliving that moment. Ah, and I chose to accept help, to reconnect, to heal the things that were broken. Life is hard. If you're out there and you can relate, you can feel my tears, you've been on a similar journey or you know the feelings and you know that you would've traded yourself to be in that place. Ah, ah, it takes a toll and if anything, this is, don't go alone, get help, talk to someone. I know that Caitlin was a God-appointed quantum encounter for me, a kingdom of heaven encounter for me and I'm so grateful and I'm so grateful at that moment I chose to pursue healing and I chose to be vulnerable and I chose like to reconnect because I was fractured. There were a couple I wanna say and there still is, you know, one of the things I said in a previous podcast is coming from a session with Caitlin was to love myself and tell myself, I love myself and I told myself I love you Tom Baldwin, Tombo Baldwin and myself replied we love you and I was like, and we live different lives but I think part of that was part of me was fractured. I was fractured from the authentic Tom and there were hurts and wounds and the stresses of life and my authentic self was fractured and that's what this podcast is about because as we wanna change reality, how do you know what reality you want unless you've reconnected with your authentic self? Who is that? Who is the authentic self? Who are you? It's a question that I've been asking myself. Who are you? What, who is the authentic Tom? And so after a session with Caitlin, it was actually, I think it was one of the first sessions that began this and I walk into the session, I've got my phone out, I'm holding it, I've got my aftershock earbuds on because I like to listen to stories, audio books, fiction, nonfiction, I like it all. Had my coffee, my mocha or could have been pumpkin spice latte because we were approaching that season and the little coffee shop at this hospital, usually hospital food sucks, right? This coffee shop at this hospital makes the best coffee, wow. And I had a donut, Tom had all the comforts that he could carry in there legally. I'd probably, I couldn't carry a bottle of wine in there and it was a nine o'clock appointment in the morning. That, looking back, I think Caitlin had a laugh or I'm laughing looking back, not in mockery, but it's like, dude, you had evidence of fracture and distraction all over you. Never had a quiet moment, always had an audio book, always had a podcast, always had something in my ear. Don't think about your life, don't think about who you are, be distracted. Life is stressful, don't think about the stress, eat, comfort yourself, comfort yourself, coffee. I'm so tired because I'm so stressed, I'm so depleted. Drink coffee, caffeine, was having energy drinks and my nicotine habit, like taking nicotine till I'm almost sick and shaking. Was that authentic, Tom? No, that was a disconnected shadow of the authentic Tom. And after that visit or maybe it was another visit, I don't remember, I just remember Caitlin talking about having quiet and I've talked about this previously. And in one of those quiet sessions, I began to start to look inward. And I just, in this podcast, I just can't express again quiet and introspection, how powerful it is. And so looking in, asking myself questions, who are you, and one of the first things, and it's a passion of my heart, I am a father and I know that, I love being a father of my birth children but also anybody else that I can help along the way, can fill the role of a father, show love, give guidance, give wisdom, I love that. And as I was looking deeper and asking myself questions and this happens and I've expressed this in other podcasts and it is a truth and it will happen for you. But when you look inside, images, words, phrases, thoughts will pop into your head. Do not disregard those, those are keys to unlock doors, those are levers to move boulders to like get you ahead and into your dream life of meaning, purpose and abundance. So one of these times the thought came into my head, I remember as a kid, people saying over and over and over again, why are you smiling? Why are you smiling? And as a kid, up until probably late junior high, high school and there were some traumatic events that happened in those eras, I always smiled. I was so happy. For me, every day was exciting. In that time period, a long time period, I remember waking up wondering, what awesome things gonna happen today? What fun thing is gonna happen today? Speaking from a quantum realm thing, that's how you open up new realities is that you believe all things are possible. You're not like the world's a bad place. Bad things happen to good people. All those mantras that we hear as we grow up in adults and we have experience that begin to fuse in us that bad things happen, life is hard, it's hard to make a living, blah, blah, blah. All the words, all the poison agreements, all the things that we do knowingly and sometimes unknowingly. We watch TV where bad things happen, that's just the way life is, life is hard. You raise children, they rebel, they don't wanna see you, all those things. But as a kid, guess what? I just believed that it was gonna be a good day no matter what day it was. And if it was a birthday or Christmas, it's like amazing. And I remember having an amazing childhood and being happy. And so the journey for me was then feeling those things again. Like feeling, you know, that word for men maybe is like, ah, yeah, let's not go there. But feeling what that felt like, remembering the excitement about just getting out of bed and thinking, where are my brother and I gonna ride today? What are we gonna do today? What friends are we gonna play with? Are we gonna have a water balloon fight? I remember that just like, ah. And so in my quiet time now, I go back and I feel those and I smile. I put an actual smile on my face. It helps. When you smile, you just get good feelings. It just happens. I've heard people say it, but it is true. And so most of my young life, I had good feelings. I remember getting disciplined and being like, oh, okay. But I knew after that, it's like, I'll probably play catch with my dad. We'll probably go do something fun. My dad was a great father in that when we got in trouble, we got in trouble, but then it was done. He got your punishment and your consequence, which for those of you, for me and my brother, it was spanking. I found that a good experience. I think my dad probably should have used a different method on my brother because it was not a good experience with him. And every kid's different. You can't just apply one method to everybody. But it worked for me, but it never squashed my feeling of it's gonna be good. And so I always had a smile. That is myself reconnecting with my authentic self. I am authentically a happy person. I like people. As a kid, I had so many friends. I love people. I love hanging out. I loved community. One of the things that was part of this journey is I'm like, what is my earliest, best, blissful memory? And when I mean bliss, bliss is like being so full of happiness and joy, it is eking out of you. Like you can't hold it in. It's not just a happy moment. It is like amazing. And it was when I was young, probably, oh, we lived on the Walker House. I had to be six in Lincoln, Nebraska. We had lived in one house before. I believe the street was Greenboro. And pretty young. All I remember from that house was a bar of soap after I spoke a cuss word from my dad, like I had to lick it. One lick was like, it was awful. And so, guess what? Me and my brother never did again. Well, we never cussed in front of my dad, so. Lesson, well, kind of learned there. Anyway, in this house on Walker Street, one, I believe it might've even been the first Christmas there. First or second, I wanted this cowboy, like kind of this plastic figurine cowboy, bendable legs and arms and stuff for Christmas. And I had that Christmas. I got the cowboy. I got the horse. I got the pots and pans. I got the tent. I got it all. And I remember having so much bliss. And it was so much more than just a toy because I cannot even remember what I got last year. I can't remember the gifts from my childhood other than a scant few. And that gift has so much meaning because for me.