How To Beat the Holiday Blues in 2024 - Postcard # 4

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In this special holiday Postcard, Stephan and Adam share personal stories and insights on how to navigate the emotional challenges of the holiday season. They discuss the importance of being present, setting intentions, and creating space to process emotions. The episode emphasizes the power of non-judgment, awareness, and inner work as tools for healing and finding peace during what can often be a difficult time. They encourage listeners to share their own practices for dealing with holiday stress and highlight the significance of accepting the holiday experience as it is.

PS: Stephan's microphone is breaking and not consistent. We'll fix it ASAP.

Let us know your practices to get through the holidays in the comments! Thank you to our amazing viewers and listeners.

00:00 Holiday Greetings
01:37 Setting Intentions for the Holiday Episode
03:35 Understanding the Holiday Blues
04:30 Family Dynamics and Holiday Challenges
09:14 Coping Strategies for Holiday Stress
14:08 The Power of Presence and Non-Judgment
18:57 Creating Space and Managing Expectations
22:54 Final Thoughts and Holiday Wishes

Transcript

Adam: 0:01

Stephen Downs. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Stephan: 0:05

Merry Christmas and happy holidays. I can't actually hear you.

Adam: 0:09

Well, it's good to see you. Um, as you can see from my background, I'm traveling once again. Uh, this time, this time, um, uh, I'm not the one working. My wife is. Uh, but I'm supporting her as a good husband does and traveling with her.

Stephan: 0:27

love it. I'm very, I think that's so much fun. I've, uh, I do love it when, uh, like Matt, my wife has been going through something and I'm able to like, be there with her and support her. I think it's a real treat when I get to do that. So I, I know, I know that feeling.

Adam: 0:46

Yeah, well last night she got called in to the hospital in the ICU and I had to drive well, I drove her there because you know, I prefer driving her at night and We were there at 11 11 p. m I don't think we went to bed till maybe midnight or 1 and as I was driving back when she finished with the hospital I was driving back Got back to the hotel and I was like, you know what? Man, I am tired. This was after, you know, watching an hour's worth of YouTube in the car, uh, in the ER parking lot, waiting for her to be done. And then she looks at me and she's like, you're tired. And I was like, Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah. You've, you've been the one working. I get it.

Stephan: 1:28

know, you should just next time, just, just

Adam: 1:30

Just learn, learn when to keep your mouth shut. Yeah, exactly. Well,

Stephan: 1:37

Um, well we are, I, so, oh, so this episode is a special, special holiday edition, a special holiday postcard that we're sending you. but we've decided we've talked to back and forth. So before we do these postcards, we, we both share a quick intention of, for the episode, what we hope that our, our viewers will enjoy. You will get out of this. Our listeners are going to have to put what we'll get out of it. Um, so I, I said that I think we should be sharing um, out loud. And I think, know, it would really help. It would really help. So Adam, you have the one today. Would you, would you mind sharing?

Adam: 2:14

yeah, I think this is a really good practice just for anything you do in life. holding an intention for it because then it creates a sense of purpose. And, you know, for those who believe in such things, I do think it, it shifts, changes the energy, uh, around you. But even, even aside from the energy there, there's a power in having intent. And for this, uh, postcard, my intention is that anyone who is having a hard time this holiday season, anyone who's having the holiday blues, um, struggling, In, in any way. And there's many, many people who have, um, a difficult time in the holidays. It's for those people. I wish that you have some ray of hope, some sense of peace and to know that you're cared for and appreciated. That's my intention. How about you, Steven?

Stephan: 3:10

Hmm. I think I, I, I wasn't prepared for you to ask for my intention, but I, that's fair. Fair is fair. Um, Yeah, I hope that you find some discover more about yourself and find some awakening this holiday season through through the challenges that we're going to talk about. Yeah,

Adam: 3:34

Thank you. Well, I, why don't we, why don't I share just briefly how this idea even popped up, it came yet

Stephan: 3:42

the holidays suck. Go ahead.

Adam: 3:45

for, for many, they do actually, that's, that's the whole thing I wanted, I was actually talking to a friend of mine, um, a dear friend in Norway, shout out to Dayton. And

Stephan: 3:56

Sup, Dayton.

Adam: 3:57

I realized, you know, the holidays actually are a perfect time to practice whatever you're, you're doing. spirituality is, whatever your practice is, do that, do that. Because, um, taking some time to actually be present with the emotions that arise in, in the holidays is really important. And then started me thinking like, okay, there is such a thing as the holiday blues. Why? Why do people get sad or anxious in the holidays? What, what's underneath it all? And I, I, that's what I want to talk about today. To you about Steven. Um, what makes the holidays so challenging for people? And I have my thoughts, but I wanted to throw it to you initially.

Stephan: 4:39

Yeah, sure. Okay. I was, I was semi ready for that one. Um, yeah, I mean, I can speak to for myself, too, because I'm I. Okay. I think the short answer is because is challenging. And I think that some of the but also some of the worst things that happened to us in our lives happen around and with family. That's, this is why it's a trope, you know, holiday movie, uh, like look at a classic one, like the family stone, like this. You know, like family getting together, big family, getting together so much drama, so many stuff that people just, like habit, right? It's like, think of like a, you know, husband and wife with their habits and back and forth. And then

Adam: 5:29

The dynamics,

Stephan: 5:31

yeah, the dynamics, you know, that, um, are easy to get trapped into. And then you think of an entire family going through that. And so I think family is. Some of the best times and also some of the worst times. And for

Adam: 5:45

what are you turning into Charles Dickens here?

Stephan: 5:51

uh, you know, it's really rude when you interrupt me. Okay. So anyway,

Adam: 6:00

I'm sorry, were you saying something? Actually, you're the one that does that to me all the time.

Stephan: 6:05

oh, he picked up on it. All right, good. So I think, um, families really, those times with family can be really challenging and it can bring up things that happened. In the past that weren't around the holidays, I think that it's just, it's really hard to be around family sometimes for a lot of people. that makes it incredibly challenging because you have this thing that's almost like an obligation, you know, to go be around family and we do look forward to it, right? Like most people look forward to Christmas. They look forward to the holiday, whatever their holiday, um, their family's holiday is, but it's still hard.

Adam: 6:39

Yeah, that's great that you pointed out dynamics. All of those. I would say unresolved tensions, unresolved dynamics, um, that maybe cause the family to separate in the first place. And yet we have this obligation to come back, but none of it was healed. None of it was a result. So it comes back. And if you think. It could be a source of stress, which for many it is, or it could be a source of awakening, a catalyst for awakening. The only way to heal what is unresolved in the unconscious is to first make it conscious. And, uh, What better than to allow the dynamics of family to bring all of our stuff up to conscious? So the key then becomes, well, what do you do when it comes to the surface? You know, how, how do we deal with the regret, the resentments, the tension, the depression, the anxiety when it comes to surface? But before we go there, I also want to Make one more, um, comment, which is my experience in the hospital having worked now, I don't know how many Christmas days or Thanksgiving days or New Year's days. Um, it's just so rough to see. Patients sick on Christmas day. And some of them so sick that they, they die, you know, and to, to be, to watch the family members, you know, sit on chairs, um, next to the bed of their loved one, hoping they'll make it through the holidays only to have them pass away either on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. That's happened many times. And I just think, God, now that will color every single Christmas. For the rest of their lives, potentially, unless they are able to heal that. And I just want to speak to, speak to those people. I, I feel for you. I have compassion for you. It must be so challenging to go through the holidays now having lost someone. And I just want to let you know that you're, you're seen, you're heard. And hopefully what we talk about a little bit can begin the process of, of healing there. Anything else to say, Steven, about that? About what makes the holidays challenging for people?

Stephan: 9:10

no, I think, I think we should, I think we should dive in.

Adam: 9:13

Yeah, yeah. Well, what do you do if, assuming the holidays are occasionally challenging for you, um, what, like, what comes up for you if, you don't have to be specific, you don't want to, but, how do you deal with it when it does?

Stephan: 9:28

Thank you so much for that permission, Adam.

Adam: 9:31

You're, you have permission. My permission.

Stephan: 9:34

Yeah. You know, all of these for me, I, um, I don't have a, like, personally, I do have stuff that's happened to me. None of it's been around the holidays. And, um, like with my brother passing away, you know, well over 14 years ago now, like I, I basically, Yeah, I don't have anything around that for the holidays, but I do have, you know, I have a larger family and there has been, there has been, I definitely won't go into specifics, but there has been a lot of intense trauma and intense trauma that's happened in my family, um, not with me particularly, but with other people. And, um, my family has had for a long time now, a hard time getting together for the holidays. Coordinating who is with who, at what time, and I think for me, I think sometimes when I was younger, it's an annoyance. Like, it's like, damn it. Like want, like, can we just not all be together and put it aside things? Um, which we can't clearly, I think as I've gotten older, I, I, I definitely feel really, there's a, there's a sadness about it. Like I am really sucks that my family members are in so much pain enough so much pain that I can't I don't want to be around each other

Adam: 11:08

Yeah. Yeah.

Stephan: 11:13

and yeah, so that I think that makes me I don't think that makes me sad and Yeah, it makes me really sad For them, like to see people suffering and I think it's like you're like you're saying with you see people on the holidays who have family members who say, I mean, my family is not passing away on the holidays. Um,

Adam: 11:38

Yeah.

Stephan: 11:39

you know, I could I could talk about what I do. Um, because I think what I. I do is similar to what I would, what I would, a device that I would give to someone directly experiencing it, which is, you know, I have this, I this adage, this, I guess it's an adage. It's a kind of thing I say all the time that really gives me perspective. It helps me snap out of whatever emotional state I'm stuck in and helps move it. That is stop fighting that you're fighting it. And that, simply means if I am in a place of confusion and difficult emotion that I stop and I just say, I feel awful, or I feel sad, or I feel angry, whatever it is, I don't, and I, more importantly, I admit that I don't know how to fix it don't like it. And, and that's okay. I'm allowed to not know how to fix it. I'm allowed to have the space to feel it and not know how to fix it and just be in the state of not knowing. And it's very similar. that I say that it's very similar to why, uh, what we've talked about. Don't know mind about not having the answer. And I feel like a lot of times when I feel intense emotions, I want the answer. I want to fix it right now because it's really uncomfortable. I use this practice that I call stop fighting, that you're fighting it. Yeah. Whereas I, like I said, I admit that I feel awful. I was like, I feel really angry right now. I don't know how to fix it. And I don't want to feel angry and it's okay. And that without fail, without fail to ease the emotion that I'm feeling. It gives me space to feel and. It doesn't always mean that I am going to go back and, you know, not continue to feel anger, not to continue to need to process and need space, for example, especially when I'm around family. Um, it doesn't mean that I still don't need space. It doesn't mean that I still don't need to process, but it gives me some sort of access to them transmute and to transform and to release that particular emotion. That's what I do pretty regularly.

Adam: 14:08

Wow, yeah, I, I feel the word presence for me. Captures that it might not for other people, but I'm hearing you say that. And I think, yeah, just be present, be present with, with what is just calm, come to this moment, breathe in that emotion, feel it, feel it in your body that works for me, actually. I'll, I'll share a little bit about my, my tools. I love for me, the body is sort of a neutral thing. Right. Um, I. It can be used as a tool to, towards separation and, and seeing yourself as different from other people, or it can be a tool used in the, in, in the spirit of, of spiritual growth. For me, the body is helpful because when I have an intense emotion, I, instead of immediately going to an intellectual solution for how do I get rid of this, I, I use my breath. To come into my body and feel where, where is that emotion? Where, how do I, I want to feel it here. And so feeling it in my body, just being aware of my body and where that emotion is just makes me really present. And it, it, it's a surefire way for me not to repress or ignore the emotion, which I, uh, I've learned I'm training myself. Do not ever go there. Don't repress anything. Don't ignore anything. Um, because eventually I'm going to have to deal with it and I'd rather deal with it now and heal it rather than 10 years from now and not know where it came from.

Stephan: 15:38

that's way easier to deal with it now.

Adam: 15:40

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I use the breath and I, and I become aware of the emotion in the body. And, um, the other thing is it's very natural to have. A resistance to an uncomfortable emotion because it's uncomfortable because it's, it does, it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good to be angry. It doesn't feel good to, um, to be sad, uh, or to be anxious. Now, one comment about anger, um, it might feel initially good to be angry because there's a sense of energy. There's a sense of like, you know, you, you feel alive, right? But it is a type of poison where in the long run, uh, you, I noticed that for the moments where I have intense anger towards someone else or some situation, inevitably it will be followed by some form of depression because there's a part of my mind that knows the person I'm angry at is also me. We're all connected. We're all one. There's the ideas of separation are just that their ideas and illusions, but there's a part of the mind deep down inside that, that remembers, uh, that oneness. And so Eventually, I, when I call, you know, when I'm angry at someone, I recognize that, um, that's coming back towards me, famous, um, Buddhist saying, I think it's like, uh, being angry at someone is like drinking poison and waiting for them to die. It's just, it's so true and, and it's, it's very conscious now. So, uh, I think presence using the body as a tool to become aware. And then one, one final thing for me is the power of non judgment being aware of how I'm feeling. And telling myself it's absolutely okay. Whatever I'm feeling is okay. And, and it's sort of like what you, what you did, if I remove the resistance from the emotion or from the moment, and, and I'm just, I'm in my witness state, the observer, I'm just this pure awareness, uh, not retreating or disassociating, but. Aware, fully engaged, but not judging, not judging. Then there's a softness that arises with, with the present moment. And it's easier for me to start thinking thoughts that are more kind and, uh, compassionate towards myself and others.

Stephan: 18:14

Yeah, I you know, one of the similarity between there's a lot of similarities between what we've shared. And if you listen to this, we want to hear what are your practices? How do you go about doing this? And even if it doesn't work every time, even if Yeah, I find myself stuck in emotions way more often than I'd like to. But yeah, if you listen to this, we want to hear what do you do? What do you, What practices contemplations work for you, not just around the holidays, although that's a, you know, particular time when it's, it's be more, yeah, let us, let us know wherever you're listening to this, um, please get in touch and want to hear what works for you. And I think, you know, one of the, some, one of the similarities between the things that you and I are sharing, Adam is you need to give it space. You need to, which is, which is a way of also a way of saying, be present with it. You need to create space. And

Adam: 19:13

Very space. Yeah,

Stephan: 19:16

our families around the holidays, it can feel like, you know, you're like a bunch of rats in a cage that are attacking, now stacking, attacking each other. And it's okay. It's okay to get space. It's okay. Um, to say like, Hey, I just need to go for a walk by myself. I just need to like, I need to give myself space to process. You, you really, no one has given you permission. You have no moral obligation to be in situations that you don't want to make.

Adam: 19:51

that's a great point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Stephan: 19:56

some space, go for a walk, um, find a way to get out of the house, find a way to get away from other people and giving yourself that space. Will help you find your center again. And it's okay. It's okay to, to be in the moment practicing. I mean, it's, you know, we, you and I have talked about so many times over the course of this little, you know, these podcasts, these episodes that communicating is so important to like, if you're in an argument with your spouse, one, a great way to. To kind of create some spaces to say like, Hey, I need 45 minutes to myself. I will come back at the end of 45 minutes and I'll let you know if I need more space or if I'm ready to, you can do that with anybody. You can say like, Hey, I'm, I feel really intense right now. I don't want to make this worse. I know that I need to take some time for myself. like, please just respect that. And I'll be back in touch. I still love you. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. I need some space. So feel, feel free to steal that.

Adam: 21:01

You, you highlighted something and it's probably going to be my last point regarding the holidays, which is that this. Interesting, um, juxtaposition between expectation and reality. I think for a lot of people, the expectation, and maybe not everyone, but for a lot of people, certainly the way that,

Stephan: 21:20

single person. Yeah.

Adam: 21:47

of people, holidays are a time of joy. Struggle and challenge and bringing up to surface what was hidden previously. Uh, and if they can see it in a, in a certain way, a time of potential healing, if they approach it that way. And that I'm saying that because if there's any part of you that wishes, and I I'm speaking for myself too. If there's any part of you that wishes your holiday season was other than what it is. You can allow that to, to, to dissolve, let go of that. It is exactly what it is. It's exactly how it needs to be and nothing else needs to change. And that sort of non resistance to what is, I think is the very beginning of, of healing. You just let what is be and give it space.

Stephan: 22:44

Yeah.

Adam: 22:44

this holiday season is exactly how it needs to be.

Stephan: 22:47

We'll see

Adam: 22:48

And if we accept that and honor that. We can begin our healing that way.

Stephan: 22:54

Thank you. Yeah, I think my final words, uh, for this episode, I think you're probably going to echo, echo yours that, um, you know, if you're listening to this, if you're listening to these podcasts, if you, if you're someone who listens to us regularly, or maybe you're discovering it for the first time, it's likely, you you have discovered the power of the inner world and the power of doing the inner work. And the more challenging the situation, the stronger the work and, you know, learning how to work with our emotions, learning how to work with our humanness is a lifelong process and you. You only become better at it and find more peace by doing it. And so you can also look at these situations as an opportunity to say like, Hey, honestly, this holiday season might suck, but I'm going to go into it. And I know that I'm going to work with it and do my best to be present when I can. And you know, not that Winston Churchill is the BLM doll of wisdom and good decisions in life, but this famous quote, if you're going through hell, keep going. I think it's here for the holidays. So not to end on a downer, but to everybody listening, we wish you sincerely a happy, peaceful holiday and, uh, hope that it, uh, there are many blessings for you and your family this holiday.

Adam: 24:17

Yes. Yes. Happy holidays, everyone. Merry Christmas and enjoy the growth and the learning and the healing.

Stephan: 24:26

All right. That's a great. All right. All right. Bye Adam.

Adam: 24:29

Bye.