Leave nothing on the table!

Let's leave nothing on the table!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Welcome back to another edition of the Creation Fans Podcast. Mike Jr. coming at you guys and a flying solo today. Switching it up once again. Trying to get better at doing what I say I'm going to do in the previous podcast. Leave you guys with a tidbit of what's to come. Today I'm going to be talking about just leaving nothing on the table. But next week, I think I'm going to talk about falling in love. It'll be a solo episode as well. And I'll probably talk about falling in love, man, and how I knew, you know, or how men know and why we run from it, or whatever the case may be. But that's for next week. This week, I'm just going to be talking about leaving nothing on the table. And I'm building to something with that. I'm just going to start with a little bit of my background. As a kid, so I was born. Well, I have, I probably mentioned this before. I have two brothers, but they have different moms. One brother I don't talk to at all. I don't even, I don't think he recognizes us as siblings or whatever. I don't know what the case is there, but we've never, never had any communication. My dad, on his way leaving this earth, admitted, told us that, yeah, that's your brother. Yada yada. My aunt, she's still friends with the brother's mother. So she also confirms that, yeah, that is our brother, but never talked to him, never said a word to him, don't know him, you know, often forget his name because we just don't communicate by my other brother. I do talk to him. We reconnected some years and years ago and developed a very positive and great relationship in my eyes. I actually just talked to him yesterday. And when we get on the phone, we get on the phone. We'd be on the phone for an hour or so, because, you know, I attribute that to me not reaching out more and talking to him. Because my brother, he does reach out to me and sometimes I'll slip and let life start life. But moving forward, I'm trying to focus on putting those things that are important in the forefront. Because if the job is going to be there, whether I get fired or I find another one, there's always gonna be work. And a lot of times we put that stuff before family and friends and all of that. And that's kind of what got me on this topic. And I want to start putting my family and friends more in the forefront, as opposed to, you know, not gonna neglect my job by any means necessary, but I think there's room for both. And I think there's room for me to make better decisions when I prioritize. You know, if I'm at work Monday through Friday, the grind, whatever, all right, that's first and foremost. I'm not gonna be stopping unless it's an emergency to take a call to just shoot the breeze with one of my friends or whatever. Not gonna do that. I'm gonna get the job done while I'm there, but on my time off, and when I'm not at work or on the clock, I'm gonna put those people first. The people that mean a lot to me and, you know, matter most because you don't want to leave this world with regrets, or you don't want those people leaving this world and you have regrets wishing you had done better. So I was raised by, you know, I had those two brothers that were by other women, not my mom, and then with my mom, same dad for me and my two brothers, but just different mom. And then I was raised with my mom and my three sisters who were older than me, and we're all like a year and a half. Starting from the oldest sister, we're like a year and a half apart in age. So starting with the oldest sister to the middle sister to the youngest sister, then me, the youngest child. I was the last child that my dad had with my mom. Now, my other brother that I don't talk to, he's the youngest of us all. So my dad went out and had another baby after me, a boy. But my other brother, he's the second oldest child. So after my oldest sister, my dad had, and he's a year apart from her, and then he had uh my middle sister, so year and a half. So dad was busy. Let's just let's just say that. He was getting it in, getting it in where it fit in. But so I was raised by those four women, my mom and my three older sisters. And in my childhood, I guess you could say, for lack of better words, I would if you was on the outside looking in, you would say I was for kids, would probably say, oh, he's soft, you know, because I didn't fight back. I was timid, you know what I'm saying? I was, I was spent most of my time in a fantasy world. And as I got older, I realized that sometimes that's it could be an Aries thing or it could be a creative person thing, you know, not trying to make excuses or anything, but I was always in this fantasy world where, you know, in my mind it was always churning. Like when I was a kid, I was a big fan of uh G.I. Joe, and I always wanted Cobra to win. I had this map of the world, and I plotted out how I would take over the world if I had Cobra's army and uh attack. So, you know, something was wrong upstairs. I maybe I was kind of a little bit evil, but I never really paid attention. So I guess you could say I kind of got bullied or whatnot, but I never really put any emphasis on biting or fighting back because my sisters were so vicious. I mean, they were like just fighters, man. They went out and just gotten in and they would usually beat up people who messed with me. So I never really, I mean, we talking boys and girls, so I never really tripped off of it until or realized, hey, because my sisters used to beat me up at home. So I knew how to fight. I just didn't, you know, because they would beat me up at home. And these girls, they fought like dudes. So I was well prepared for it if I did. So when I left the house, I was like, okay, I'm tired of fighting. I just want to be in a fantasy. So I would let kids get one off or whatever, you know, pick on me or whatever. And it's like I got beat up in kindergarten by a young lady. She beat me up with her purse. I don't remember her name. I just stood there on the steps of if you're from where I'm from, St. Louis, you'll know the school, Asmond School. I was outside of Aston School. And I don't know what her deal was. I don't know if she liked me or whatever, but she told me she was gonna beat me up after school. And I'm like, okay, great. Sounds fun. Can't wait for that. Sign me up. And she uh, sure enough, she I was standing outside because I used to have to stand on the steps and wait for my sisters to come back because they went to another school a little ways down, and they would walk by and pick me up, and then we would walk home. Or to my grandfather's house on St. Louis Avenue and wait for my mom to pick us up from there when she got off work. So I was standing out there, and then sure enough, here she comes, we had her little purse, little plastic purse, and she just starts hitting me with it and just welding on me. And I'm standing there for at first, I'm like, okay, I can't hit this girl. You know, my sisters beat me up all the time. So shoot, what if she beat me up like my sisters do? And so I just stood there for a little bit at first, and I was like, okay, I gotta do something to get her to stop. So I started pretending to cry. And then she stopped and left. And I was like, oh, so now, you know, I learned at an early age, kindergarten, oh, okay, crying makes it stop. So I was good at it, you know. It was like, all right, anytime somebody bothered me, it's like, all right, just cry, uh, and then leave me lost. So that's probably how I got the reputation of, oh, he's soft. Until third grade, I got punched in the nose by this kid. I think his name was Walter. Shout out to Walter, man. You uh changed some things for me. I was walking home with my friends, so I had these friends. I was friends with this guy named Antonio, and he had an older brother named Gordon that fought my sister, fought the sister that was right above me. He fought her, sucker punched her in the nose. And my other sister that was right above her, the middle sister, she came to the party a little too late when the teachers and principals came or whatever. It would have been a wrap for poor old Gordon because she was an animalistic, unchained pit bull. So he got spared that day. But for whatever reason, I guess after that, Gordon decided that they wanted to make my life miserable. And my former friend, Antonio, he was a buster and he went along with it. I don't even know if this dude's still alive, but you know, we used to be friends. I hope he is, but shout out, man. If you're out there, if you want round two, I'm I'm good with it now. But you and your brother. But anyway, just joking. I ain't trying to fight nobody now either. You know, I'm out of my prime. But so they made up some rumor that I was picking on the guy Walter's little brother or something. And so he came to me after school. I was walking home with my friend. Shout out to Orthan, Orthan Quinn. Man, if you're still out there, I wish we would have stayed close, brother, because Orton was a good dude. But we were walking home, and he comes up to me. Was it third grade or fifth grade? I don't know. One of the two. And he was like, uh, why would you mess with my brother? I was like, man, why don't I mess with your brother? You know what I'm saying? I don't even know what you're talking about. So he pushed me, I pushed him, and then he hit me in the nose. And first thing I realized is that that didn't hurt. And then I saw like little blood trickling from my nose, and he standing there looking at me like, what's up? What it what what's going on? So I looked and I saw my blood, and I put my hand up and got a little bit of the blood on my finger, and I was like, okay, if I fight back and bleed to death, because I didn't know anything about, you know, I'm like, okay, I don't want to bleed out and bleed to death. So I just went around them, walked around them, and walked home. And me and Orton started walking home, and I went to my grandfather. I was like, hey, I got punched in the nose. Uh, what do I do? And so he patched my nose up, you know, he's like, you know, and my grandfather was a jokester, you know, he was like an OG in the neighborhood. I'm actually writing a book about him, so if you want to know more about my grandfather, his this dude was something else, but it's gonna be called Pops, because that's what we called him, Pops.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

But he patched me up, teased me a little bit, you know, you're getting beat up, you know, he's always teased me about being picked on.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

So he did as usual, teased me or whatever, but he loved me. He always knew that. I don't know, it was just son about my grandfather. He knew I was high. He probably knew it was in me. He just, you know, was just waiting for that day when it came out. And so after that scenario, I was like, shit, I'm not nobody's picking on me again. I'm not finna get punched in the nose by nobody again because that didn't hurt. And so fighting doesn't hurt, and I'm not gonna die from it immediately. So but true to my story, I never had an opportunity after that to really prove that because the whole Crip and Blood era came out afterwards, you know. And my sisters, of course, they threatened Walter, so he passed it up, made friends with me because he didn't want that smoke from them. But I was like, I'm good, y'all. Y'all don't have to fight anybody else for me, you know what I'm saying? I um I'm good. And so I just kind of went through life. Crippin' Blood era came out, and I was affiliated. But I'll talk more about that because I don't have any, like, you know, a lot of guys, you know, say this or that, but you know, I'll get more into how I even became affiliated with gang life and another story because none of that was me. What you'll find out if you listen to, if I do more of my backstory. I'm a super imaginary, like fantasy, geeky, into Legos and Hot Wheels and just writing books about fantasy. That's more me. You know, I mean, I know how to defend myself, I know how to fight. I ain't I ain't no square, you know, I ain't no, you, you know, I ain't no pen cushion by any means necessary. But whenever I was doing the bad stuff, it was usually because my sisters were into it first, and it was just a part of the environment. And when the Crip and Blood era came out, everybody had to, you know, you almost couldn't avoid picking a side. But especially if somebody in your family got affiliated. But we'll talk more about that. Probably probably be after the, maybe I'll do that one before I do the end love, knowing about love and being maybe I'll do the backstory of my creep and blood era. But anyway. So after that, I was like, alright, I'm cool. That phase happened, and nobody really bothered me during the gang infested era other than other gang members, and I survived that. So, you know, I got jumped on, you know, by a bunch of opposite gang members and so on. But at that point, I was in a place where I didn't care if I lived or died, so it was it was a different, it was a different me. Went off to the Went off to the military. Well, before that, though, this was my first, my first instance of not leaving anything on the table. And when I say not leaving anything on the table, I'm saying that with when it comes to friends, family, and relatives, because I do have some regrets that I will talk about. I, before I went out to the military, my grandfather passed when I was in high school. Right in the height of the crippling blood stuff was going on. My grandfather passed away, and he was like one of my idols. So I have three heroes: my mom, my dad, and my grandfather, which is my mom's dad. I didn't really know my dad's dad at all, so can't really count him. I don't I don't know much about him. But I'm pretty sure he was probably a good man at some point, too. So, anyway, my mom's dad, Pops, he was one of my heroes, my idol. He died in high school because I mean he was our life. Like, he took care of us when my mom had. My mom was like superwoman. She working like two jobs, was in her bachelor's degree program, and still raising four kids. And I never felt like my mom wasn't there. You know, she's like she was always there. It's like, where does she have the time? Where did she find the time? But my mom, she sacrificed her childhood, her youth, well, not her childhood, but her prime years, you know, because she started having us at like 20, I think, my older sister. And I was the last at 25. So she sacrificed a lot for us. And she wouldn't, she didn't go out much with her friends. You know, she just worked and went to school so she could make more money and better herself, make more money to take care of us. And so that is why my mom was one of my heroes. My dad was one of my heroes because dude was just, he was just a G. You know what I'm saying? He didn't even come around us much. But when he did, it was like, man, daddy, the coolest person on Earth. And my grandfather, Pops, he was like a like a black mafia don. So, you know what I'm saying? If he was like organized crime, when I didn't know what organized crime and Italians were with organized crime. That was my grandfather. He controlled a lot at his house in that neighborhood, you know, as far as a lot of things that went on in that neighborhood. And I saw these things, you know, I saw the brown bags being passed back and forth, and the gambling and betting on checkers, and my grandfather buying alcohol and selling it to his friends, and the hookers who used his rooms and bathrooms for things and this and that. So it was interesting, to say the least. And me and my sisters and cousins, you know, we saw this and grew up around this, but it didn't impact me anyway. You know, I just I just regret when I say don't leave anything on the table with my grandfather. We spent so many years with him being our secondary caregiver. And then all of a sudden we were old enough to take care of ourselves, or Michelle, my older sister, she was able to watch us. And we didn't go over to see Pop's much anymore. You know, like my high school years and all that, you know, like before he died, like maybe his seventh, eighth grade, you know. So I was pop was acclimated into my life from like birth to sixth grade, like right after sixth grade, because I think sixth grade is when I went, started getting bussed out to Melville, the Millville School District. They started the deseg, desegregation program. And so they started dumping all these little black kids into all these white neighborhood school kids. I mean, white neighborhoods with where the schools were with white kids. And some of them didn't want us there. And I talked about this before, you know, a lot of a lot of the kids would be like, don't pay attention to them, they're ignorant. So I met a lot of nice friends out there, and you know, it wasn't everybody. But I learned when I was going there that my grandfather was just as racist as the some of the white kids out there because he would always tell me that, you know, don't bring home a white woman, don't be friends. I had a friend, uh white as white can be, and I know y'all don't like this term, but he was a redhead or what they used to call gingers back in the day. And he had the pale skin, his name was Heath, Heath McLean. Shout out to Heath, man. I wish I would have stayed a better friend to you because Heath visited me, but I still had something. I will say, when I saw Heath in high school, he had left. Um, he didn't go over to Melville like I did, or maybe he went one year and then he left or something, but he came back to visit me, and I was not really a good friend to him. But I was in the middle of my game phase, and I still had a lot of my grandfather's prejudice thoughts in my head, like, oh, you can't be friends with him, and this and that. But my grandfather used to preach that all the time, and I learned, you know, I'm like, okay, he's racist, but that did not impact the status that I gave him in my life because he had that one wrinkle. But my mom would always be there saying, you know, don't listen to him. You know, you can marry whoever you want, bring home any white woman you want as long as you love her, or you can be friends with Heath. Because I spent the night over Heath's house before, and my grandfather hated it. I mean, he absolutely hated it. But when Heath's mom dropped me off, all the black guys there, they were all around at my grandpa's house on a Sunday, and that's when they would kick it and hang out. They were all super nice to her, like, oh yes, ma'am, oh well, Mike's friend, but you know, when they wasn't around anymore, you know, you can't be friends with them white folks, you know, it was that type of deal. So it was uh, you know, I just was numb to it. But I regret the fact that when we got older, we didn't go see Pops much more, much anymore after that. So after sixth grade, so from like seventh grade to I think Pops died my sophomore year. So you got seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade, tenth grade. So three and a half years, I didn't really see my grandfather that much. And this dude was my hero, man. He had so much. I wish I would have, you know, so I kind of left that on the table, and I never got to tell him what he meant to me. And as a kid at that age, I probably wouldn't have been able to articulate it anyway. But I just wish I really wish I would have kept going over there more and seeing him. But, you know, it was a little dangerous for me because to get to his house, I would have had to go through about three or four crypt neighborhoods. And let's just say, if I've just revealed anything, I was not a crypt. So didn't go see him as much as I wish I would have before he passed away. So I kind of had that regret when he died. It's like, man, you know, because I always thought this dude was gonna live forever. You know, my grandfather, if he was alive today, the dude would be about 110, 115. So it's like, but I always thought he would be around. He never saw any of the older kids. He only saw one of his great grandkids, and that would be our oldest, my sister, my oldest sister's and Demetrius. He actually held them and he used to call them Buster because Demetrius was born when I was in high school, and my grandfather was still alive, and so that was a joy. But really good man. Shaped a lot of who I am, along with my mom and my dad, and I regret that I stopped going by and seeing him, man, you know. And because I know Pop, he loved us, you know, he took care of us, you know, me, my three sisters, my cousins, you know, he tried to, my cousins, T and Tracy. We were all there. And other kids in the neighborhood, and I think his two kids, so my grandfather, you know, it was always a thing. He had these two kids, Alfred and Alfreda, that looked just like him in the face. So, and it has been said later on in life that yeah. Those were his kids. And so my, so what would they be? I guess they would be my aunt and uncle. Is that right? Yeah. My aunt and uncle, Alfred and Alfreda, they were around, you know, so, you know, he just did a lot. And, you know, he was still a gangster, but, you know, he did a lot for me. And I regret that I didn't really get to close things out. But that jumps me forward to the second instance where, you know, I have a little bit of regret, you know, when my daughter passed, uh, my daughter passed in 2016. And I carry a lot of weight. I've since prayed and talked about it with therapists. You know, I carry a lot of weight because me and my daughter's mom, you know, so a little bit of backstory. My daughter, she wasn't mine biologically, but in my heart, she was. But me and her mom, I think we had had some kind of disagreement or something, and I was mad. And I let these words come out of my mouth that, you know, she'll stop picking Gabby up and see. I think I was mad because I wanted her to go to school. Her mom moved to Illinois. I was still in Missouri, and I wanted Gabby to go to school over here. I think she was about to start kindergarten. Well, maybe, I don't know. Well, she was about to enter another year of school. So maybe she had already had her first grade or kindergarten year because she passed when she was seven. So she was just getting started. And I was a little bit upset, and I was like, well, I should have stopped picking her up or seeing her and you know, see how her mom likes that. But in my heart of hearts, I knew that that wouldn't do anything but her Gabby, you know what I'm saying? Because all I Gabby knew me as her dad. I was with her from birth, like two days. She was born November 23rd, 2008. I was with her that Monday when I went to pick up my son, because me and their mom used to do a week-to-week thing, and I went and picked up my son that Monday, and I took Gabby with me, and she was that with me that whole week, and she never left. You know, every week from that moving forward, I would pick her up. So she was my daughter for all intents and purposes. And I hate that I said that because I look back on that and I kind of blame myself. You know, I'm like, you know, and I know the coroner told us that my daughter had a heart condition that, you know, you have a heart attack, if you survive it, they could put stents in and you can, you know, live. But she didn't survive her heart attack. It was some condition, I forget what they call it. She had one valve where there was supposed to be two that were working in her heart. So the heart, if you changes in weight or whatever, my daughter gained a little bit of weight, so she had the heart attack. And that's stuff that triggered it, made put a lot of extra work on that one valve or whatever. And she didn't survive her heart attack. So I carried a lot of that regret and weight that I said that because if I would have actually did that, in my heart of hearts, I knew I wouldn't have never done that because I loved that McGirl, you know what I'm saying, with all of my heart. But I said it, I put that out there in the universe. And it's like, then she died. And I'm like, did, you know, so now I'm second guessing myself. You know, is God real? Did he know? Was I actually really gonna do that? And that would have broken my daughter's heart. If I would have stopped seeing her, because we did that at one point, me and her mom, we used to swap the kids on Mondays, and we started doing it on Sunday. And they told me a story about my daughter in the bathroom crying one day, saying she missed her dad, and she was talking about me because we were swapping on Sunday. She just loved that extra little bit of time with me. So we went back to Monday. It's like, okay. Because that's who she was. You know, she was a very, very kind-hearted little girl that just brought joy wherever, you know. She taught me so much about role rage and just being peaceful and things like that, which also I dealt with when she passed. Like, why would you take her? You know, why did she have to go? Because she was teaching so much about love and just her seven little years here. Wouldn't the world have benefited if she would have stayed longer? But, you know, I learned to not second-guess God. Maybe he he knows something that I don't know. You know what I'm saying? Uh, maybe the world would have tainted her, changed her. I don't know if maybe I would have actually done what I said I was gonna do and broke her heart that way. So maybe she was spared in that way. I I like to think that I would have never done that. But, you know, I I carry a lot of that weight and guilt. Even though I've had therapy and I pray and I talk about it, I know it's not my fault, but I still feel like, what if I would have never said that? You know, it would change the fact that she still had the heart condition. So I know this, but you know, as her father, you know, you always want to be able to protect your children and, you know, whatever. And I felt like I let her down. So that's another instance where I didn't get to really, uh, I guess I didn't really get to tell my daughter. I mean, I used to tell her I love her all the time, and I used to always do like this thing. I'll be like, who loves you most, Gabby? And she would be like, I know, but she was like, mommy and daddy, and you know, like I'd be like, no, who loves you most? And she's like, Well, I can't say you, daddy, because mommy loves me too. And it was so cute because I just started laughing at that point. But, you know, she was she was just very special, and I carry that with me, and I know I'm probably gonna be carrying it for the rest of my life. So anyway, I fast forward to the last one I'm going to talk about. And I got like two minutes, but I may go over the more than 30 minutes today, just a little bit. But I have a lot of regret with my dad. My dad passed away some years ago. I kind of blocked it out, but it wasn't too long. So Gabby in 2016, 2016, my dad, I want to say, he died the same year as my grandmother, his mom. 20, maybe it was 2022, 23, 2022. Maybe. Anyway, I have to look it up. But anyway, it was it was not recent, but long enough ago. So my dad had cancer and it eventually took him out. He wasn't doing his due diligence to stay alive. Battling the cancer. So I guess my dad was like, you know, there's no point. I'm gonna live my life and enjoy it once he got his diagnosis. But he never told us that. He told us he was doing everything to preserve life, but we found out on the back end he wasn't doing everything he could have, but you know, he was doing some things, but not everything. So my dad always had this thing where, you know, I didn't name my son after us, and I didn't really explain it to my dad. So my dad left his world, I feel like, feeling like I wasn't proud to be his junior because I didn't name my son after us. But I planned on having two sons and a daughter, and I was gonna name my last son after us. I was trying to do things different, you know, trying to mix it up a little bit. But I had no idea that I wasn't gonna have any other kids outside of my son. I had no idea, because it wasn't for lack of trying. I have some abortions under my belt, uh, which I didn't have, but you know, if I hadn't had those abortions, I would have had one, two, three, four kids that were of my loins, and Gabby would have been my fifth that was of my heart. And now my current daughter through marriage, who is my sixth child of my heart. So, I mean, I just feel really bad that I never got to tell my dad that. You know, I started writing books and I didn't write any of them under my name when I first started out. I used my single name, Sean Paul. And my dad was like, well, you know, just write them under your name, son. And he got this impression that I wasn't proud of carrying a name. But, you know, my thing was like, if I blow up, I don't want people to know who I am, so I can still be able to go to Walmart and do shopping and stuff. You know, I had a reason for everything, but I never looked at how it impacted what my father saw because my dad knew, you know, he had a we had a moment way back when he was first got out of prison. And he cried in my car because, you know, and I may have told this before on a podcast, you have to go back and listen to some of my older podcasts. But, you know, my sisters were outside, you know, they used to get, they used to drink heavy and party, kick it, or whatever. They were outside cursing, and my dad was there drinking with them. And I rolled up and I just like laid into him. I'm like, yeah, I went curse in front of mama. So, you know, this is still our dad. I don't care if he's out here, you know, having a sip with you or brew or whatever. We're not finna do this. And I took my dad home. He stayed right down the street, but I just drove him down there, you know, because I didn't want him falling or whatever. I know, I know how drunk he was. But he cried in my car saying, you know, and he told me, he's like, son, I don't know how to be y'all's father. And I was like, Dan, you don't have to. You just be you. You are our father. Period. You know what I'm saying? You you provided the seed that went into my mom's egg and that made us, so you are our father. So don't try so hard. And he cried, and I was like, huh, it's my daddy. You know, but I feel like he never got to hear that proud to be your junior. You know, you were one of my heroes. I never told him any of this, and I wish I would have. I had two opportunities when he called me one day on the phone before he died, and he was like, Well, son, the doctors told me to get my affairs in order because the cancer is spreading rapidly, and I don't have much longer. And I just held the phone for a minute and I was like, Well, dad, I'm not gonna cry. He was like, I'm not gonna cry either, son. And that was it. I didn't say anything. So then when we started going up to Colorado to see him when he really started to get skinny and sick and all this, and he gave me his necklace that I wear every day when I get up in the morning. Anytime I leave the house, I do not leave the house without putting on my dad's gold chain. He gave that to me, and I could have said something then, but it wasn't even in my mind. You know, I didn't even know that, you know, my father felt this way. And I didn't know until he passed, and my sister said, the middle sister said to me one time, she was like, Yeah, dad asked me one time, do you think Mike Jr. is proud of me? You know, proud to be my son or whatever. And I don't remember what she said, how she answered it. But I was like, are you serious? Ah, I wish you would have told me this before he died. You know, hell yeah, I was proud, man. My dad was a G, he put the capital G in G. You know, nobody, you know, dad always had this thing, they know not to mess with me. And he died saying that even frill and, you know, couldn't swatter fly on cancer. He still was like, you know, nobody gonna mess with me, and nobody mess with your dad. And I just I just wish I would not have left that on the table. So I I did this podcast to say this, guys. Say what you need to say to the people that you need to say it to while they're here. Say it now. You know, I have dropped that ball at least three times in my life, and now a fourth time, because I I used to tell my mom things, but my mom has dementia. And if you go back and listen to the Mother's Day episode, you'll know about my mom's situation, and she's gonna lead this world maybe not even remembering how much she meant to us. And I know that's not my fault, but still it sucks because it's like here we go again. When do we learn our lesson? And I know a lot of the things that we can't control, but you gotta you gotta say what you how you feel and what you feel, and tell those people what they mean to them while they're here. You know, don't wait. You know, if you listen to this podcast, like, oh, well, I get to it tomorrow, don't wait till tomorrow. Pick up the phone and do it now. When I get off this, when I'm done podcast, I'm gonna call my brother. Because I told him I was gonna call him yesterday, and so I'm gonna call him and just rap with him a little bit, you know, and just let him know that, you know what I'm saying, man. I'm glad we reconnected, you know. I have recently, since my mom started, you know, I kind of sunk into a little bit of depression because I got a lot of stuff going on too with my former time in the military, you know, with the uh migraines and tinnitus and all that. I got a lot of stuff going on, y'all. But I have to find a way to not let this happen again. Because I haven't been going to see my mom. You know, we just kind of left my older sister on an island taking care of my mom. And I haven't been going to see her, you know, and I'm ashamed of that. And that's that ends, you know, last week. It ended with last week, you know. I gotta get back on my grind and see my mom because this is a woman who did everything for us. And even if she's not gonna remember it, at least she'll know that that day, like if my mom, if I go see my mom this Wednesday and she dies that Thursday, maybe she'll remember that Michael was there yesterday. She may not, because it's her short-term memory, but at least I'll know I was there. And that, you know, doing something, doing my part to help my sister to let my mom know I'm there for her like she was for us. So don't waste any time, guys. Do it now. Say it now. Say it with purpose and say it like you mean it. Say it with your chest, you know. Let these people know how you feel. So next week, join me. I think I'm gonna switch to I was gonna do how men know they're in love and why we run from it, but I'm gonna put that one the week after next week. Next week I'm gonna do a little bit of my middle, the middle of my life story, the creep and blood era. So tune in for that. You guys have a blessed and safe week. I'm out.