Dr. Sebastian Brackenridge, world famous Demigod and Supernatural historian, social media influencer, pet video posting aficionado, and one of the gayest man in Great Britain has been invited to the well known Wankerton Hall, located in the breathtaking town of Bourton on the Water, to give a lecture about Persephone and Hades, Mount Olympus' power couple. Outrageous, never serious and a huge ham, Dr. Brakenridge manages to insult his critics like the chain smoking Sister Winnifred Frederica Dankworth Wren while he gossips about Hunky Hades and "The lights are on, but nobody's home" Persephone in this hysterical parody of a BBC program.
Dr. Sebastian Brackenridge, world famous Demigod and Supernatural historian, social media influencer, pet video posting aficionado, and one of the gayest man in Great Britain has been invited to the well known Wankerton Hall, located in the breathtaking town of Bourton on the Water, to give a lecture about Persephone and Hades, Mount Olympus' power couple. Outrageous, never serious and a huge ham, Dr. Brakenridge manages to insult his critics like the chain smoking Sister Winnifred Frederica Dankworth Wren while he gossips about Hunky Hades and "The lights are on, but nobody's home" Persephone in this hysterical parody of a BBC program.
You are listening to DBN: Demigod Broadcasting Network and this Exploring Olympus. Good afternoon, my name is Sister Winnifred Frederica Dankworth Wren and I will be your host for this part of the lecture series. We are broadcasting with a live studio audience from the historic Wankerton Hall, located in the breathtaking town of Bourton on the Water, the Venice of the Cotswolds.
Today’s special guest lecturer is one that I avoided for many years and I am incredibly proud to state I have done so…. Regretfully, until today. A graduate of Oxford University, yes, a rather shocking fact for most of us, our guest has made numerous discoveries that were best left buried: For example, a previously unknown crypt discovered in the picturesque town of Vézelay, Burgundy, Dating back to 1400 AD, the resting place for Brother Baptiste Baudelaire Badeaux, a well-known and much loved Friar, who was secretly half human, half troll, and was known for his generosity to the downtrodden back-alley prostitutes as he helped them find a new way of life. Unfortunately, due to Dr. Brakenridge’s research and overall meddlesome attitude, it was discovered that the Friar was somewhat troubled monk, due to his unhealthy sexual obsession with food, particularly when it came to cake. Records, previously locked away at the Vatican, showed the Friar stole money from the donation box for the poor to pay for his habit of having busty woman smash birthday cake on his naked body while he recited the rosary. The catholic church still hasn’t recovered from this discovery. Our guest speaker went on to become a world famous Supernatural and Demigod Historian, hosted his own television series titled, “Let’s see what we can discover” and has established himself as a social media influencer, of what I do not know, and pet video posting aficionado, which is pathetic and sad. It is my regret to present to you, Dr. Sebastian Brackenridge, as he enlightens us about Persephone and Hades.
Thank you, Winnifred. So glad I could pop your shriveled Brakenridge cherry. Brava, Wankerton Hall and your motivation to blow the dust off of your programming. I mean, really, how many lectures can you have about how to steep a proper cup of tea, knit the perfect advent scarf or how fun it is to do underwater basket weaving.
And as for you, dear chickens. Hello!! I guess I’m in for a penny, in for a pound with you lot. I was pretty sure my last lecture about Gorgons would have killed off any future opportunities to speak in front of my mirror let alone an audience… and yet, here we are. Isn’t it simply delicious! When Sister Winnie called me, I said to her…”Oh, Winnie, I can hear the pain in your voice. This must be agony for you. How Wonderful!!
So let’s get to it and hopefully this lecture will be outrageous enough that I can finally drift into retirement. Judging by the clacking sound of our host, Winnie’s, rosary beads, I’m not the only one.
I would like to start this lecture by setting the bar rather low, and if anyone happens to be going to the bar, get me a Whiskey sour, I would be ever so grateful. The Olympians. Those powerful deities whom have fallen away since the Olympian wars, which I will cover in my next lecture, were nothing more than selfish little whores! Yes, you heard me correctly and please note that I’m being as generous as I can be. The legends of the Olympians are littered with their sexual exploits. If something had a pulse and stood still for 3 seconds, you can be sure an Olympian were humping or mounting it, and those were just the female gods. They were sexually charged sprinklers, shooting out their seeds into the world, as a multitude of Demigods sprouted into existence, all because of their inability to pull out before completion. When asked to wear a condom, Zeus, the biggest slut as proven on the bathroom walls of Mount Olympus often replied “I’m not a filthy sailor or over-the-road trucker, besides I practice the Hope for the best method.” Not that he really cared. Ever try to serve an Olympian with a court summons for child support. Let’s just say there isn’t even a P.O. Box.
Zeus would stop at nothing to scratch that certain itch, which I believe was a terminal case of crabs, including but not limited to transforming into animals to seduce a woman. The animals included in this sure thing sexual technique were as follows: The cuckoo when he ravished Hera, a swan when he ravished Leda, a bull when he carried off Europa and of course how can we forget Eurymedusa, which he seduced her by transforming into an ant. I mean, really! Don’t get me wrong, the whole bull thing is, in a twisted kind of way, a little understandable, but an ant? Talk about having an itchy Suzy… microscopic penis be damn. This is of course completely and utterly disgusting. Although not as disgusting as Pandora’s box. Allow me to set the record straight, out of all the things Pandora let out of her box, the worst had to be herpes and the sneaky Chlamydia. Summer’s eve did nothing to clean up that woman’s mess!
There were a few exceptions. Some goddesses preferred to be chaste and were always the first to flash their Promise rings at keg parties as they disapprovingly judged everyone. Those goddesses were the Becky(s), Madison(s), Karen(s), Jennifer(s) and Melissa(s) of the world. And don’t you dare judge me, you too despise those girls who sit in their tight groups in the hall, outside of the cafeteria, offering cookies and a flyer for their weekly Chastity meetings. And truth be told, everyone knows the Melissa(s) of the world still believe oral and anal did not disqualify their promise ring’s promise. Paaaaaaaaaleasssseeeeeeeeeeee. If that were the case, I would have a promise ring crown, scepter, necklace and ring for everyone to kiss.
Beyond the frigid and judgmental, the whores and the lechers, there could be found Mount Olympus’ power couple, Persephone and Hades. And this is how the original odd couple became one against all odds.
So allow me to set the stage. Hades is the god of the dead and the king of the underworld. Talk about a Debbie Downer at parties. How would you introduce him to anyone. This one time, I was invited to this dinner party and Hades happened to be there. He walked up to me and a friend of mine, Joan, so I did what anyone would do. I said, “Joan, let me introduce you to Hades, God of the Underworld.” As they are shaking hands and saying what a pleasure it is to meet, Hades gets this look in his eyes and says to Joan, “sorry about your mother,” whom, the last time Joan checked, was very much alive. Suddenly Joan’s cellphone rings. However it was a lovely funeral. In lieu of gifts, I sent a donation to the death by golf ball foundation.
Hades was an incredibly stern ruler, no birthday cake in the break room and the turnover in the Underworld’s Human Resources department was horrendous. Because of his Micromanagement, Hades rarely left the underworld. I’m all for a man who works hard because Mama needs a new pair of Christian Louboutins, but Hades… girl, you’ve got the front office, time to let your hair down and leave Staten Island. As you might have guessed, Hades was lonely and very bitter, although he did find some comfort with his three-headed guard dog Cerberus, which strangely enough he had picked up from a no-kill shelter, even though the creature had been declared un-adoptable. Dear chickens, follow Hades’ example and adopt from shelters and rescue organizations.
The other part of this odd couple was Persephone, Goddess of Spring. Stunningly beautiful, she was the embodiment of rebirth and light. Now before we all start hating on poor Saphie, that was her nickname, we have to understand the following; (1) Everywhere Persephone went she was followed by countless Olympian suitors, all vying for her attention in hopes of capturing her heart. I know, she sounds like a total Rachel, but she truthfully wasn’t aware of it. She had been raised to be humble and channel all of her vanity and ego into her work for spring. I mean you don’t actually believe all of those gorgeous flowers pop out of the ground on their own. Persephone was also mentally fragile and if the rumors hold up to the light of day, had the worst taste in men. Total bad boy complex, which drove her mother, Demeter into fits. One time, Demeter caught Saphie smoking behind the Mount Olympus Football field’s bleachers and Demeter yanked Saphie out of school and this was the same year our Glee club was supposed to go to sectionals. Fat chance of that without Saphie!
At that point, Saphie’s life became a living hell as her mother, determined to keep her daughter a virgin. Demeter was the goddess of Agriculture, Fertility, Sacred Law and the Harvest, emphasis on the sacred law. Think Stephen King’s Carrie White’s mother, a fanatic and obsessed with her daughter, particularly her daughter’s purity. There was no kanoodling on the couch, hand-checks in front of the TV or frantic groping at the drive-in for Persephone and her dirty pillows. It was complete lockdown, so much so that Demeter removed Persephone from the court on Mount Olympus to ensure her daughter would remain intact.
So, now you are all wondering, “Dr. Brakenridge, world famous Demigod and supernatural Historian, Olympic Gold Medal recipient for the tea time/elevenise/ I’ll play mother Long program, how could these two meet. He’s locked away in the Underworld. She’s practically chained to her mother. How?
Well, chickens, this is how it happened. Picture it, Sicily, 1932… Damn it, sorry, dear hearts, I’ve been watching the Golden Girls marathon. After Zeus, Hades and Poseidon vanquished the Titans, Hades was given complete dominion over the Underworld, also known also as the land of the dead. But there was more to the Underworld wailing, plaids with stripes and track-lighting. The Underworld also served as a prison for undesirables like that Uncle who hugs you a little too long, the bag boy who manages to smush your bread and of course that one friend that no matter what, the horrible experience you’ve just lived through is something they’ve not only experienced but it was much worse because they broke every bone in their body…. Thanks to web MD, they are now convinced they suffer from Sparrow’s disease… you know, hollow bones and need to talk about it 24/7/365. Well I say give it a rest, Carolyn! You’re just bloody clumsy and bat shit crazy. But I digress… No one was more undesirable than the Titan Typhon, the father of all monsters. A dragon, with 100 heads that apparently never sleep… hellooooooo ever try Melatonin, Benadryl, Xanax, Valium, Ativan… Well, he was imprisoned underneath Mount Aetnas, which led to some major issues, when you consider Typhon was also the God of Volcanoes and geysers, and their eruptions. So while Typhon raged in his prison, the danger of a major eruption of Mount Aetnas grew increasingly inevitable. Now, for what I understand, dating back to 396 BC there had been eruptions from Mount Aetnas, which I believe could have been avoided if someone would just throw a bottle of Tums into the mouth of the volcano. Seeing the potential for catastrophe, it was suggested that the eruption could split the earth in two, thereby setting everyone free from the Underworld, Hades summoned his 7 black horses and his black chariot made from nightmares, smoke, children’s tears and Elmer's glue, thanks Elsie, Hades raced to the surface of the Earth to determine how bad things were going to get. Side note, obviously the earth did not split in two, what was believed to be a complete rupturing of the planet was nothing more than an ingrown hair in need of popping. Oh Stop! We all watch those YouTube videos of from Dr. Pimple Popper.
While all of this was going on, because believe it or not, not everything revolves around you, Hades, Persephone and her battle ax of a mother were tending to the Earth. Persephone was busy painting flowers with colors that were sure to make people think they just dropped acid, while her mother prepared herself for her duties regarding harvest. Demeter knew she needed to leave her daughter’s side but was reluctant to do so. She had a bad feeling that I like to refer to as crazy cuckoo. When she could not postpone her harvest duties any longer, Demeter departed from her daughter, leaving her under the watchful eye of the Sea Nymphs. Now, I have to stop here and ask, who in their right mind would leave their daughter under the protection of the sea nymphs? While I am sure some nymphs are very respectable, but even their name, Nymph pretty much tells you all you need to know. Anyone heard of Nympho or Nymphomaniac? So Demeter left her virginal daughter with the nymphs, which included Persephone’s best friend, Sion. Now parents, I know what you’re thinking, if this whole situation were to go south, like a serial killer were introduced into the mix, Sion would definitely be the first to die a gruesome death.
Meanwhile, relaxing on what I would assume to be a down-filled fainting couch in the shape of a swan, I know, dear audience…. 1890 called and they want their couch back, lay Aphrodite, the goddess of love, with her son, Eros, the god of both love and sex, feeding her grapes because I guess that’s what you do when you are bored out of your mind. Poor goddess had watched 10 Hallmark Channel Christmas movies in a row and even the Goddess of love couldn’t take much more of it. Suddenly something catches Aphrodite, Ro to her friends, attention. Down on earth, she sees two amazing things. (1) Persephone isn’t with her gutter snipe of a mother and (2) Hades is on earth, outside of the underworld. Now, side note, there are several things that irritate Olympians. Being ignored, being told no, being made to feel insignificant and finally not being sat at the finest table in restaurants even though they don’t have a reservation. So consider, Young, virginal, (bleh) Persephone, guarded by her mother, going down a path where love isn’t necessary because Demeter believes nobody is good enough for her daughter and she intends for Saphie to remain untouched, like the frigid, old maids Athena and Artimis. (i.e. breaking all of those points I’ve mentioned before, except for the restaurant thing.) Not good at all.
Then there is Hades, who holds dominion over the underworld, a world that exists without love. Love is for the heavens and the earth, but not for the dead. He has the same strikes against him in Aphrodite’s burn book. (yes, she is a total mean girl.) And yet… there they were, nearly on top of each other… a once in several millenniums opportunity and Aphrodite certainly wasn’t going to pass it up.
So she tells her son, Eros, Auto-start her vintage French LeCar and they both drive back to earth, naturally avoiding any toll roads and using Waze to avoid any speed traps, while Eros selects his sharpest and strongest love arrow for Hades.
Eros finds the perfect sniper position in a large Mastic tree, and Aphrodite materializes a few steps away from Hades, acting surprised to see him. They walk and talk about the weather, the price of frankincense and essential oils, when the two come upon Persephone and the sea nymphs. While Aphrodite tells Hades who the young maiden is, she says the trigger phrase, “Hades, do you ever feel not so fresh?” and Eros shoots his arrow into Hades, a direct hit into the God’s black heart. Eros’ arrows are painless, but are very effective, as love begins to surge in Hades’ heart and who should he be looking at, at the time of impact… Persephone. Hades, unable to fight the power of Eros’ magic, fell hard…. We are talking about Ryan Goslin/Rachel Macadams Notebook hard, with a huge dash of “I can’t quit you, ala Brokeback Mountain. He knows he must capture Persephone’s heart and who just happens to be right beside him but the goddess of love and together they hatch a plan.
With the help of Eros, the Sea Nymphs were distracted… PAAAALEASE… You could have achieved the same thing with a laser pointer and a nude cutout of Henry Cavill, but distracted they were, as Persephone was led in the opposite direction with a trail of Reeses Pieces… No, that’s not right. That’s ET. Well, let’s just say by some glitter, a Virginia ham, and of course a mysterious tune carried on a breeze, calling to her, as she followed it to a wooded glen, far away from the distracted Nymphs. This glen was incredible. Thousands of twinkling lights strung from trees, with these gorgeous white Chinese lanterns floating in mid-air. And on a white, clam-shaped stage, with a full philharmonic orchestra, dressed in a golden gown, was Aphrodite, and a cast of nearly 200 equity actors she had hired. The choreography was a site to behold as Aphrodite sung Taylor Swift’s “You Belong with Me.” (I personally believe she was lip-syncing.) And right in the middle of the dancers stood Hades, looking every inch the Abercrombie model, his messy, curly blonde hair, barefoot in linen pants and tight-fitting white shirt. I would have died! Swoon, dear chickens, swoon! He looked like Chris Hemsworth except better, with a whole bad boy air to him. Who doesn’t love a man with a sleeve tattoo peeking out from his rolled-up sleeves! Well, you’ve guessed it, Persephone was a goner from the moment she looked into his eyes, saw his quirky smile and she fell hard as Hades kissed her with such tenderness and love that Aphrodite herself nearly swooned.
The ground in the glen rumbled and split open as Hades chariot and team of 7 black horses burst through and with the confidence she never knew she had, Persephone grabbed Hades’ hand and off they rode towards the Underworld, the ground closed up, leaving a very strange flower where the earth had cracked open. All the dancers gasped at the smell coming from the flower and yes, chickens, that’s how the corpse lily was created.
As for Aphrodite, she sniffed, wrinkled her nose, and rolled her eyes, while muttering Lamour Lamour lamour. And off she and Eros went to the mall to do some retail therapy and possibly have a nosh at the Olive Garden.
Seconds later, Scion, the Water Nymph, calls for Persephone. Apparently, the Henry cavil cutout fell into the lake and the laser pointer died. The batteries were old. Persephone is nowhere to be found. Frantic to find her friend, the Nymphs search far and wide, and they stumble into the clearing and find the Corpse Lily. Scion realizes what has happened and after several bouts of vomiting, the grief overwhelms her, and Scion melts away with her tears and forms the Scion river. Can anyone say, overplayed? Yes, a bit on the dramatic side, but Scion always had to make everything about herself.
Demeter, finished with her harvest duties, the usual stuff, square dancing, charades and bobbing for apples, discovers the newly formed Scion river and the Corpse Lily growing by its’ banks. Instantly, Demeter realizes her daughter was taken by Hades and after taking her queue from Media’s, Diary of a Mad Black Woman playbook, she begins to unravel into madness and mourning. Her first act was to gather the Nymphs, including a bucket of water to represent Scion, and curse them, thereby transforming the scared, cowering Nymphs into Sirens, damned to never experience love, as their siren song led men to their deaths in the sea. Bloody hell is right, chickens! Demeter does not suffer fools.
So, weeks go on by and Demeter continues of one woman show of poor me, Munchausen Syndrome: The Musical. She has stopped doing anything related to fertility or harvest, as vegetation, animals and humans whither away, starve and die. It’s all about me me me with her. Forget about the poor people who could give a flying fig and only want to live to see the next day.
Meanwhile, Hades has spent the last few months transforming the Underworld into a paradise for Persephone. We are talking about only the best of everything. Once dead soil and rock has been transformed into lush landscapes with the help of Persephone and her talented painting artistry. Nothing is off the table for Hades to prove his love is sincere and Persephone, who was only allowed to have the attention of her mother, now has an entire world of people fawning over her and a man whom she loves dearly. Case in point: Originally, Hades had this massive castle that was so terrifying to look at, it would turn your hair white. And don’t bother asking, you might be worth it, but L'Oreal Paris won’t fix that color. But Persephone didn’t care for it and thanks to Charon, the ferryman responsible for ferrying the dead into the Underworld, Saphie now had in her possession numerous catalogs from Restoration Hardware and Pottery Barn, along with a huge stack of post-it notes. The results were dramatic. Gone went the dreary castle, or as Persephone called it, Haddie (her nickname for Hades) bachelor pad with its pleather furniture and dumpster diving accessories, and up went an adorable beach house, on a black sand beach, overlooking the River Styx, with a patio, barbecue, volleyball net and inground pool. Swimming with catalog chic, the interior was decorated within an inch of its life, leaving both Haddie and Saphie very happy.
On Mount Olympus, Zeus brooded. Demeter was laying waste to the Earth in her constant show of agony, which she conveniently made sure was within sight of her ex-lover, Zeus, who was her brother! I know!!! This is Jerry Springer/V.C. Andrews kind of messed up. And Zeus was Persephone’s father, which explains why Persephone wasn’t quite right. But what could he do? His brother Hades was happy. Damn it, even Hades was happy, but he couldn’t let Demeter continue her rampage. He summoned Hades to his side and a plan was hatched where no-one got everything they wanted, but at the very least, everyone got something. This would require Persephone’s help to play a trick on her mother.
Back in the Underworld, things happened quickly. A full Royal Court was assembled on the black sand beach, everyone had gotten rid of their velvets and confining Courtier clothes for casual, Martha’s Vineyard wear. The scene looks like a Merchant Ivory set. Persephone, dressed in a flowing gown of white and gold, and a wreath of flowers on her head, stood before the court as Hades got down on one knee and asked Persephone to marry him. He gave her a box that held a 5.6 carat, Color changing black diamond Harry Winston Engagement Ring, along with several pomegranate seeds. Understanding what the ring and seeds represented, love everlasting and a one way ticket away from her mother, Persephone had hades place the ring on her finger while she ate the pomegranate seeds. Once the seeds were gone, a flash of lightening appeared in the inky black sky of the Underworld as Demeter and Zeus arrived in Zeus’s Chariot.
Demeter walked over to her daughter and grasped her arm, demanding Hades release her daughter. And for several minutes the Demeter and Hades argued about what was to be done. Zeus smiled at his daughter/niece….ewww, hushed Hades and Demeter. “Have you eaten of the food of the Underworld, my… niece, daughter….ewww” Zeus asked. Persephone replied, “Father, Uncle….ewww, yes, I have. I have eaten six pomegranate seeds.” Demeter rushed over to her daughter and slapped her, crying “Stupid Girl!” and acting like a Macy’s perfume counter associate, pulling a double shift during the holiday season. Demeter knew that once someone living partakes of the food of the Underworld, they are tethered to it.
Zeus proposes a compromise and for six seeds, Persephone with live half of the year with her husband, Hades, and the other half of the year with her Demeter. Demeter knew that was the best deal she could expect and begrudgingly accepted it, although never one to lose the opportunity to make a spectacle of herself, she refused to eat any of the wedding cake and bought something not on the wedding registry list to spite Hades. The gift was a tanning bed. She also went into her period of mourning when her daughter wasn’t around, allowing the Earth to grow cold and dormant, which is why we have the 4 seasons as Fall and Winter represents time when Persephone gets to return to the Underworld and the Hottie she calls Haddie.