Navigate Podcast
Welcome to Navigate, we are two long term friends doing life and ministry together. I got tired of the same ole answers when I started looking for help when it came to my walk with God. So together we go deeper than most would on topics that most people have heard or were taught but never fully understood. It is our way of simplifying concepts that we may have over complicated throughout our lives. Bringing theology and life experience into each episode. It is our hope and desire to help Navigate your Christian walk with you
Navigate Podcast
Fatherhood's Impact Beyond the Home
TYBHpodcast@gmail.com
Fatherhood extends far beyond the home, impacting businesses, politics, military, and entire nations. This episode underscores the significance of men leading and protecting in all spheres of life, aiming to combat societal decay by reinforcing the principles of fatherhood. We'll explore the different approaches needed for parenting sons and daughters, teaching practical skills, and guiding children through challenging experiences to build resilience. Personal anecdotes and reflections on the role of male role models and emotional boundaries highlight the journey of embracing manhood and growth. Tune in for an insightful discussion that promises to leave you with valuable life lessons and a deeper understanding of blended family dynamics.
Welcome to Navigate y'all. Nice, that's new. I like that.
Speaker 2:You like that one yeah yeah, I know, right after the music people are going to be like whoa nice brought it in.
Speaker 1:Don't know why I said that. Anyway, hi Justin, what's up bro? How are you, dude? We're back.
Speaker 2:Doing fabulous. We're back. We are With more fatherhood, I think.
Speaker 1:Fatherhood. I think this will be the last episode.
Speaker 2:Okay, if we post this, this will be the last episode. Then you're just going to end my life right after this. No more navigating, no more.
Speaker 1:I'm killing it after this one. Okay, cool. No, I will say, man, we, yeah, it's been fun so thank you all for writing in to us. I hope we've done you justice in the questions you have.
Speaker 2:Well, tim was talking about kind of a cool idea, potentially for the next thing that we want to walk through is doing some stuff with the Ten Commandments.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Actually kind of plotting through those and talking about their significance. So stay tuned. I think we're going to walk through those individually and talk through their importance.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that'll be cool. Not just that the rules, but there's something deeper there. Yep, totally, it'd be pretty fun to do.
Speaker 2:All right, let's get after it.
Speaker 1:What's in this sucker? All right, I actually wanted to start out, so I brought it up that I'm a stepdad. I'm a mixed family.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:My wife was productive when she was 16.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Very. My wife was productive when she was 16. Yep, very productive. And I've gotten some emails about how to deal with mixed families, or blended families. Blended families, as they're often called, right Blended families.
Speaker 2:Yeah, which is like a new phenomenon, especially now.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because you know the sexual revolution. You basically have birth control come out, you have the beginning of dissolving of normal structures that help keep people from going out and having tons of kids out of wedlock. And now we um, we're in a weird spot, man, where a lot of people have made a lot of mistakes because it's just been deemed normal. Yeah and uh, a lot of people are struggling now to try to work backwards, to get to a place where you can do family in a healthy way with other people's kids.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean, and that's a real deal.
Speaker 2:It's a challenge, yeah, and I mean I guess just there's a couple of different angles that I want to talk about here. One is this Um, it is, look, it's just flat out true that it is way harder to um, get married, have a family, do all that stuff If you already have kids. It just is, it's a difficult thing, and a lot of guys, um, I would even say, are not prepared to jump into a marriage, uh, that has kids as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Um, and we can get into the complexities there of like, let's say, your engagement with the kids. We can talk about that in a minute. But it's really important that people realize this it is not guys oftentimes are not looking for a girl with kids. They're not. They're looking for something that's easier and especially if those kids are not theirs, it's like they want their own kids and I have to figure this part out.
Speaker 1:Well, it's messy Cause of that. Kids. Those kids dads are still in the picture man.
Speaker 2:I just, I just want to encourage if there are any young ladies listening to this podcast, just be thoughtful, like some of the idiots that you're hanging out with are not going to stick around, they're not going to be there, and so often, man, I just want to talk about standards and what girls are looking for, unfortunately, and what guys are looking for, unfortunately, and it's a mess dude. It's so hard to find a good environment, to actually find a spouse now, and even in churches so many churches are so shallow that the people that you're finding there aren't necessarily great either.
Speaker 2:Maybe they think they know Jesus or they're going for a TED Talk, but that doesn't mean they're actually like an established individual that understands how to raise kids and their purpose is to be a father and a husband and to provide and protect, or have had a model in their life to show them what that's like. And then it gets further compounded by the fact that churches don't tend to talk about some of the topics along with families because they're so controversial. Now, so like, well, how are you supposed to be a family? What does a husband do? What does a wife do? Are there distinctions? What are those distinctions? What are the roles in those marriages?
Speaker 2:So, trying to find somebody and that is difficult we hit on this last week but like, wanting to have kids now apparently is a conversation that's up for grabs and that makes things complicated. Um it, it's really hard in this environment. So so just start with that as the backdrop. Okay, Entering into this, if you do have a blended family, um, you, you, before you get married, are going to have to make some decisions about how unified you're going to be in your parenting with other people involved, and I've done counseling for several different couples who have had multiple dads, multiple kids. It's difficult to do, difficult to do, and what I would say is you in alignment with your wife in this particular area is the single most important thing for those kids. It's not you don't want to start with. How do we make sure the kid's okay? How do we make sure we take care of that? What's the? You know you want to start with. How are we doing? Are we aligned? Are we on the same page and we walk and stuff together?
Speaker 2:One thing I will tell you will simply not work. If you're in a blended family and the wife's desire is for you to be a husband to her but not a father to her kids. That's, it's not going to work. You're going to fail. You need to be able to be there, because what will happen is that you'll have the responsibility of providing and protecting a kid, but no authority to speak into or help change things in their life. Yeah, and this is just I'm just going to be blunt this is true of men in society in general right now. They want men to hold responsibility for everything, but give them no authority or honor to change it. You're responsible for all the things that are wrong. You're responsible for providing, for paying for things, for fixing things, but we're not going to let you actually speak in anything or change anything. Responsibility and authority are tied together and I would say, ladies, if you're listening to this and you're paying attention to this, I would say if you are expecting a husband to come in and take over and be a father, be a husband and do this, you need to expect that he's going to want to do things differently than you're going to want to do it.
Speaker 2:In this dream world that we often have in our heads, there's this idea of how everything's going to go and it's just going to be different than that and it's going to be hard, and everybody wants someone to lead until they start leading and then they're like, never mind. I changed my mind Even in my own marriage. It's our kids. It's not a blended family. I see things a little bit differently than my wife does, and we compromise, we work through things, but the reality is the buck stops with me because I'm responsible for these kids and in a blended family it's got to be the same way.
Speaker 2:Now, what makes this difficult is that when kids are going outside of the house to their, you know, to their other parents home you don't have control over that Not a lot anyways and that's going to make you have to be more cautious, more careful, more thoughtful and more engaged with the kid that you have, Because there's a whole nother with the kid that you have Because there's a whole nother let's say there's a whole nother added element of influence happening from a different direction that you don't have control over, which is true of all of life in general, Tim. But we talked earlier on in this series about the authority influence spectrum and how we want to move from authority to influence. There's just a, there's an element there where someone else is influencing those kids and you're just. You are going to have to be solid and represent for them something stable and consistent, Because all the inconsistency that already has existed in their life up to that point is going to leave a lot of difficulty in that area.
Speaker 1:The influence there with older kids too, especially Because if like I noticed this with my own stepson early on was when he would go to his dad, he'd come home. Um, the influence there with older kids too, especially cause if, like I noticed this with my own stepson early on was when he would go to his dad, he'd come home with a different attitude he would have come on with. He talked different, yep, he acted different, like his manners went out the window, like you just tell that stuff was not around when he was with him.
Speaker 2:When your kids are hanging out with idiot friends, you start to see those things it. When your kids are hanging out with idiot friends, you start to see those things.
Speaker 1:It's true, but the problem If you're also hanging out with other parents I'm right into we ran into with him, was you know? Oh man, I just had it.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, I mean, I would say this, tim, there's a bunch of stuff that happens in these kind of blended family situations. It's just, it's a little bit out of your control and the tendency is for you to like double down and triple down and become more chaotic. And I would say what you, what you're going to need to do in those situations, is be more stable. And I said something earlier. I just want to, I want to qualify this a little bit. I said it's crazy. I said a lot of guys are not necessarily looking to marry someone who has kids already.
Speaker 2:I would also say that people who have kids already and don't have a spouse are usually looking for somebody who has the qualities of somebody who's already married, not somebody who's single, which makes the difficulty compounded. Like I said this to some people the other day and they got pissed off at me and then, like a week later, they were like hey, you were right about that. Actually I said generally speaking. Let's say, women who already have kids are looking for married men, not, not single guys, because they're looking for somebody who's already, already has matured through that process of having kids and having a spouse that a single guy doesn't have yet, because they haven't been in that environment.
Speaker 2:And so a lot of single women with kids are frustrated, asking where are all the men? Where are they at? I don't see them. And the problem is men become men through that process of marriage, not before then. And so oftentimes you're looking for somebody who already has all that maturity, and that maturity comes through the process of actually getting married. So you're not going to find the guy who's the most mature right off the bat. You're not going to find the guy who's already a father and who's already a husband. Why? Because he's already taken and he learned that through the process of getting married.
Speaker 1:Dang, that's interesting. So men become men. Through the process of marriage, men become men through the process of marriage.
Speaker 2:That's interesting.
Speaker 1:See that again, men become men through the process of marriage. Men become men through the process of marriage, that's crazy.
Speaker 2:I like that. This is why pastors, in my humble opinion, have to be fathers. I'm sorry, let me say it a different way Pastors have to be husbands at the very least. Yeah, to have the, you have to be married and, uh, walk through this process of becoming one flesh with somebody before you can, you can explain to people and walk other people through the fullness of what that represents, because until you've had to be a protector, a provider and a head and a covering for a family, I don't think you fully understand what that looks like for the church.
Speaker 1:Not much of a shepherd there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and a lot of uh and a lot of young people who love Jesus and are doing great and have a great ministry and are killing it can be doing fantastic. And then they get married and it's really freaking hard. They're like, oh, I didn't know this and I didn't know that You'll watch people that are just firebrands for the kingdom and oh, that's amazing. And then they get married married and it's like something happens to them and it's wonderful, like I love. I love watching people find a spouse and have to go through this process of finding out.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm not nearly as awesome or put together as I thought, because when you get put in this environment, you have to become something that you didn't have to be before to be able to do that. There's weight there and there's glory there. It's a beautiful thing. The glory of a man is his bride, right, like that's the whole first Corinthians picture. There is that the wife is the glory of the husband and she is going to make you better and more awesome and the fullness of what you were meant to be in the first place.
Speaker 2:But it doesn't really happen before then. So I'm not even getting into the gift of singleness. I'm not even getting into the provision that God provides for people in that situation. I'm just saying bluntly when you get married, something happens in you that God intended to happen in you, and it's a wonderful thing and it's a crucible. That's really difficult and a lot of women are looking for a guy who's gone through that before it's happened. And the problem is this is why divorced people tend to find divorced people, but then they also both have that same proclivity and problem there as well and tend to get divorced again. Because once you've been divorced, once the statistics go up dramatically for divorce, I think it's like you're 50% more likely to get divorced again if you've been divorced once. Now, that's true if it's two divorced people. It's less likely if it's one divorced person, but it's only slightly less the case. That's crazy.
Speaker 1:I think putting individuals in categories like that can be harmful too in some ways.
Speaker 2:Well, here's where I was going with this. I wanted to say this it is an incredibly valiant and wonderful thing for you to marry a single mom with kids. We have a fatherless generation. We have a bunch of kids who don't have kids, don't have fathers pouring into them, growing them. A church is a good stand-in, but it is not a replacement for a dad. Good community is a good stand-in. It is not a replacement for a dad. Good community is a good stand and it is not a replacement for a dad.
Speaker 2:And one of the best things that you can do as a man of God to actually help fix some of what's going on in the community, help take your place in society, help make an impact immediately in the future, is to find a godly woman who does love Jesus, who maybe had some stuff in her past that happened, or her past husband was an absolute idiot and left her in this place to step in and be that man and be that father.
Speaker 2:And it's going to be hard and it'll be a crucible and it is a wonderful thing to do. There's this huge vein in scripture of God-loving widows and orphans and I wouldn't say every single mom is a widow. In the first century. It was a little bit of a different scenario there, where a lot of these people were widowed for different reasons or their husbands had actually died. It was illness or whatever. It wasn't like I made some mistakes and now I'm stuck here like it is today, which changes things, because I think every single mom wants to call herself, you know, or puts herself in the category of a widow, and it's like, well, a lot of that was done to them. You may have put yourself in this situation. That's a little bit of a different scenario.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I would be careful about just throwing that out there, but I would say look, kids that don't have fathers, women that don't have husbands, it is a valiant, it is an honorable, and it is a wonderful thing for you to step in into that gap and be that person.
Speaker 2:That's what Jesus did for us. He adopted us into his kingdom and put us at his table and is teaching us how to walk in a manner worthy of the calling that we've received. So it's a wonderful thing to do. I just want to explain the complexity that does exist there and it is very difficult and you're going to have to be. You're going to have to be, um, you're going to have to be ready to take on that responsibility. And women, I would say, if you're looking for a guy to step in and be the father, uh, of your kids and to be a husband for you, and he's, um, seems a little bit immature or not quite there yet, that's probably the guy that will get there and will be that person, but he's going to have to go through the crucible of becoming that through the process and is not going to magically become like a married man before he's married.
Speaker 1:That's crazy to me. Well, thank you for that honestly, because I remember what I was going to say too, because, especially with older kids that are stepkids, you know- yeah. And the parents on both sides. He sees the dad or mom, whatever. They begin to develop a preference for which house they actually want to be at.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And that's hard Because in my house those rules and there's, you know, things we say and things we don't right, you know.
Speaker 2:And their preference is not towards the stability and the rules.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you have responsibilities in this house and now it's like well, I can go over to dad's or mom's house or grandma's house and not have to do with any of this nonsense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so true, it's so true. And and you know you're always going to have the. You know the other person that wants to buy him a phone and you don't want them to have a phone or the. You know they're totally fine with inviting them into stuff that you are not okay with them inviting into and you have authority at some level. But a lot of it again is going to be influence over authority, and if you haven't had the opportunity while they're young to build that bedrock of authority before, you have to move to influence. And somebody else had the authority.
Speaker 2:Man, it is really difficult and I would just, I would tell you prayer, your consistency and your intentionality to show them that you love them, not just through feelings and emotions although that stuff should be there and you should pay attention to their hearts but also through structure, trying to show them that I'm actually trying to set you up to have a future and succeed. Other people may give you what you want, but they're not for you, they're not for your future, they're not for you the way that I am and I would say my goal is for you to become something um, to be reckoned with, something wonderful, something glorious and someone who would do what I would do, which is step in and try to be something for you that somebody else would not. I want that to be your story for somebody else too. And, uh, that's going to take a lot. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of intentionality, because you've got a lot of years to make up for, of influence and authority in that person's life to actually get there.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, blended families man, it's hard and there's a ton of that going on. And I would say, if you as a father are not totally sure what the best thing is, I would say you taking your kid to church consistently and then talking about those messages with them, and then you being that person consistently with them at home is great and just as a just as something to throw out that I think is helpful. I'm trying to remember what study it was, tim, but I think it's an important study. It was basically making the point that there's a chemical released in the brain. I think it's oxytocin is what I want to say. There's a chemical release in the brain when mothers interact with their kids and it's usually like physical touch, nurturing there's a chemical response in somebody's brain which is awesome For men.
Speaker 2:it happens when you play with your kids. It's interactions with them, where you're going out and doing stuff. So I would say- Serotonin, I think.
Speaker 2:It might and doing stuff. So I would say serotonin. I think, uh, it might be that too and I'd have to. I'd have to go back and look. There were some studies on this, but it's really cool. There's huge amounts of this chemical which is a really good chemical response that kids have when fathers play and interact with their kids.
Speaker 2:So I would say the more that you're not just talking to them, hanging out with them or trying to be a mom, but you're actually trying to be a dad, which means we're going to go out and we're going to, we're going to fight, we're going to go fishing, we're going to go on a walk, we're going to I'm going to get you up and we're going to go do that.
Speaker 2:That creates bonds really quickly and if you're only ever telling them what to do but you're not spending time actually helping pour into them in a way that they are physiologically responding to that, you're missing something that God is actually calling you to do.
Speaker 2:And I've said this before women nurture, they come alongside, they're helpful, but God has given men the unique ability to instill identity, and identity oftentimes happens through doing. I'm going to take you, I'm going to show you, I'm going to teach you to be who you actually are, and that's really important. So, just as an encouragement to people that are in that blended family situation man, it's tricky, it's also wonderful, it's highly biblical and I would just tell the women man, you may need to rethink how you're approaching what you're looking for in a husband. And men, you may need to rethink what your standards are and what you think you deserve, as opposed to what God's call on your life is ultimately, and how to step into that. And men, you may need to rethink what your standards are and what you think you deserve, as opposed to what God's call on your life is ultimately and how to step into that.
Speaker 1:I mean, I never thought I'd marry someone with a kid my entire life.
Speaker 2:Well, she's awesome and I'm glad I did, honestly, yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, my wife is not anything I expected, but it's exactly who I needed.
Speaker 2:I think that's usually the case If you find somebody that you're like this is exactly what I wanted. Just you're not married yet. That's all that says. That's all that tells me yeah.
Speaker 1:On that study note too, there was a part where, when you mentioned mothers nurture and all that, but it's the dads who take them out, like you were saying. Yeah, but one thing that's why that's so important too is it's basically telling your kid, hey, safe is mom, but safe outside is with dad.
Speaker 2:That's good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know it's okay to get away from mom and hang out with me outside of mom's presence.
Speaker 2:I'm going to get you out of here and we're going to do some stuff that's a little bit more crazy than mom's comfortable with, and she's right for feeling that way and I'm right for feeling this way, and somewhere in between is a really beautiful way for you to learn what this is supposed to be, man.
Speaker 1:Yeah, have you ever butted heads with your wife when it comes to stuff like that?
Speaker 2:I mean, I brought up the trampoline thing a couple of podcasts ago. Yeah, Even the movies we watch. I would say my wife is way more careful about and I love that about her because I think sometimes she's right. I'm like I just want to show it to him. We're just going to do it. He's eight date.
Speaker 1:You know, give him a second. No, yeah, I had a terrible paramount the other day. I watched alien versus predator and my two-year-old is now aware of what's on the tv, which is probably a good thing, I recognize this yeah but I didn't realize she was watching it until a tale of a xenomorph came through the predator's stomach. You know she's like ah, it's like oh crap, what are you?
Speaker 2:doing here that's gonna show up with some weird tick later in your life, you know.
Speaker 1:You kind of made me laugh.
Speaker 2:Somebody's going to poke a straw, like through a lid, and she's just going to flashbacks and freak out.
Speaker 1:She's fine. I expected nightmares that night, but she was totally fine.
Speaker 2:I watched Signs. I watched Signs with my son the other day, okay, and he loved it, awesome. I asked him the whole time. I was like, son, if you start getting too scared, I need you to tell dad. And there was a couple of parts that I skipped. But what was cool is that we got to have a conversation the whole time about God, because that whole movie is a conversation. Is destiny real or is it all chaos?
Speaker 1:It's all chaos. Is destiny real or is it all?
Speaker 2:chaos, it's all chaos. And so I'm showing him through the whole time. You see how this has happened and that's happened. And at the end of the movie, the guy who was a pastor, who gets out of being a pastor because his wife dies, find out that it's this massive orchestration of events that her death led to their entire family being saved and he was able to see it at the end and gets back into ministry and becomes the man that he was able to see it at the end and gets back into ministry and becomes the man that he was supposed to be. And so I'm teaching him through this whole thing. You see how God is orchestrating these things and do it. He's like Dad, I get it, it's so cool. And he's like show me the part with the alien at the kids' party again.
Speaker 1:That part still scares me. Oh, it's so good, it's so good every time.
Speaker 2:But it's so good, it's so good every time, but but, but that's the thing. Like just teaching them through the process and explaining life is like this, it's like that, it's like that. I think those things are cool. But yeah, I mean, I'm always going to want to go a little bit farther and I think kind of the unspoken rule that me and my wife have is that you can. You can take the kids and you can show them things that I'm slightly uncomfortable with, as long as you're teaching them through it and explaining to them what's valuable there. If you're not explaining it, then it's mindless and it's not helpful, but if you're teaching through it, it's good. That's the principle of life. If you're taking your kid out and you're doing stupid stuff just to do stupid stuff, you're missing it. The point is that you're trying to teach them things that actually matter, and if you're taking them through the process but not teaching them why you're taking them through the process, um, you're missing something there too.
Speaker 1:That's very true. I had a fight with my wife two years ago because I wanted to take my steps on out whitewater rafting yeah, and my wife was so convinced that he was just going to drown.
Speaker 2:You probably will, but every year since then I'm like we're going whitewater rafting this year and she's like no, you're not. I'm just going to sneak him out one day. He's got to learn, but that's not a life lesson.
Speaker 1:Like you said, I feel like it is kind of stupid to do. No, it totally is. It totally is a life lesson.
Speaker 2:You're going to go through that and you're going to explain life. Life is like this there's going to be moments where things are great and there's going to be moments where it is absolutely, absolutely not. Yeah, in fact, hang on, I'm going to pull up something for you, tim, that I think is fantastic.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm kind of scared.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you should be. It's from the movie Count of Monte Cristo. Here's what he says.
Speaker 1:It's a great movie.
Speaker 2:I really love it. I'm going to see if I can find it yeah here's what he says it's a great movie.
Speaker 1:I really love it. I'm going to see if I can find it. Yeah, here's what he says. Is this the toast at his birthday party?
Speaker 2:Yeah, life is a storm, my young friend, you'll bask in the sunlight one moment and be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when the storm comes. You must look into the storm and shout, as you did in Rome Do your worst, for I will do mine than the fate, than the fates will know, as we know you Right, like I. Mean you take your kid whitewater rafting and say, hey, listen, I want you to understand. Life is going to be like this it's going to be wonderful one moment and it's going to be crazy the next. And you're only really living if you're experiencing some of those things.
Speaker 2:If you're not all it another way, listen. If you have enemies, that's really good, because it means you stood for something. If you're going through difficulty, all that means is that you're doing something that actually matters. But if you live some kind of vanilla life where you don't upset anybody and nothing really happens, then you're probably not being who God has called you to be, because God has called each and every person to make a difference, to be who he created them, and that means bumping up, smashing into and running into the darkness all the time, and they need to be prepared for that. Kids need to. Lewis said this. He said children are going to face difficulty and monsters and dragons in their own life. At least let them have heard of stories of heroism and knights and valor, so that they would know what they're supposed to be when those times come. That's awesome. I couldn't agree more. That's great.
Speaker 1:Couldn't agree more. What about daughters? Would you do the same thing? Would you watch signs with your bungus? All of this counts for youth.
Speaker 2:I'm not just talking about boys here I'm talking about. I'm talking about boys, girls. Now how you connect with them might be slightly different. I'm not watching signs with my daughter, right, because fear is a thing for her. Um, true story she ate some paper. Yesterday I think she was just being goofy and then my my wife told her like oh, don't eat paper, you don't know what that's doing inside of you. And then she couldn't sleep and came upstairs like I'm so terrified, I hate that paper. What's going to happen to me?
Speaker 1:And I was like okay, see, this is what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Like you're a different person and you're going to have to learn different things. Now, did she learn her lesson? Yes, sure, whatever. But the interactions that I have with my daughters are very different. Like I learned this early on, I couldn't throw one of my daughters high up in the air. I'd throw my son and he'd be like this is the best, throw me again, throw my daughter up in the air and she would become terrified. And I was like, ooh, okay, that's different. Uh, we dance, we watch Phantom of the Opera together.
Speaker 1:We sing opera.
Speaker 2:We listened to the the Mask of the Red Death by Poe. She likes art. She plays the piano for me. She loves to sit and just talk. She wants to talk through everything. She loves to quote movies to me. She wants to reenact scenes from things. She's a little thespian and her mom did theater, so there's a lot of that in her. There's a lot of ways and I've told my wife this I feel so blessed by having daughters because there's a whole section of my wife's life that I wasn't there for that I wish I could have been, because I love my wife. I love who she is, I love everything about her. My only regret is that I didn't get to meet her when she was young.
Speaker 2:I didn't get to see her how she was when she was growing up. I didn't get to see those things. And then when you have a daughter, I feel like I get to meet my wife before she became who she is today, and it's wonderful. It's wonderful. So, yeah, you interact with your daughters, probably a little different Now. There's some girls out there who want to go shooting and like when you throw them up in the air and all that. That's great. That doesn't mean Lord, but know who they are.
Speaker 1:Let me ask you about that, actually, because there's gender roles that's been a hot topic lately. Yeah, so when you're raising sons and you're raising daughters because, like I've told you, I fear that I'm raising my daughter to be a boy, you know, because I can't wait to take her fishing, you know- You're not.
Speaker 2:You're teaching her. You are teaching her what a good man is.
Speaker 1:True, but do you raise them with that in mind? Though like what their role is going to be to a husband or to a wife?
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, I mean we talk all the time. My daughter said the other day, some girl came walking down the street in something skimpy and she said, dad, she may not have a very good father. We should pray for her. And so that's what we do now. It's hilarious, although it's like a problem when you're in Costco and like somebody with a turban on or some Muslim walks by. Like those are Muslims, we should pray for them, and loud enough that everyone in the whole store can hear. It's funny, but it's not funny. They're going to blow us up. Don't be like that. That was incredibly racist.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry I had to, it was right there.
Speaker 2:No, it was, it was. It's a. It's a different thing with different kids, and you do want to raise them to be what God has called them to be, but you want to raise them to be what God has called them to be in the unique way that he crafted them. So, uh, my little daughter, felicity, is a fireball and she it's hilarious to me Like she gets hurt so easy but will throw herself into any situation again and again and again. Tim, do you remember? Uh, we played basketball together. There was this girl on on the girls team, a friend of ours. Um, actually, we had him on the podcast, his sister.
Speaker 1:JT, jt, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so we play basketball. She didn't even have to, but she would just throw herself on the ground, like 98% of the time throwing herself I'm like you don't even have to do that.
Speaker 2:That's Felicity, that's how she is, you don't have to do that, but I'm going to do it anyways and throws herself into stuff and it's wonderful. That's not how Scarlett is. She's different. So there's a side of her that's very passionate's going on. She's like I got to be front and center or else I'm not going to have a voice. You know, like implicitly, like that's what's happening for her and that's not a masculine trait. That's who she is. That's just part of who she is, and how that's going to come out as a wife and a mother and as a woman for her are amazing, and I praise the Lord for that. But we talk about it all the time. You're not. Men fight first, and if there's a man there, you're not doing that. The only reason you're fighting is if a guy isn't there, who's going to protect you? That's, that's the goal. Um, I want you to know how to cook. We're oh my gosh, Tim, I've made Pavlova so much over the last like.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's delicious.
Speaker 2:I've been just enjoying it so much.
Speaker 1:Not with lemon curd, because my daughter hates lemon curd.
Speaker 2:But we're making pavlova and we're making cupcakes. We did cupcakes the other day and I was like I want to do a skittle frosting. So we made frosting and I melted down the skittles and made a buttercream with the skittles. It was way too sweet but tasty. We're baking together and doing stuff, things like that. So I want to teach the girls how to do some things that I think will benefit them later in life a little bit more. And I'm going to teach my son to do some things that'll benefit a little bit more. And it's okay for them to be interested in the same things. It's okay for them to be interested in different things, but how I'm teaching it is different.
Speaker 2:I've never once had a conversation with my daughter, and I have many times with my son where I tell him hey, when you have your own wife and you have your own kids, you're going to need to be able to do this. I'm trying to teach you. This is so important. And I'll ask him like hey, you want to? You want to be able to protect your family later, right? Yeah, dad, I want to be able to do that, okay. So this is so important that you learn this, because what you just did. That's going to hurt you later If you do that I don't do that with my daughters what I not going to land you a good man.
Speaker 2:You want to be thoughtful. If you want a guy like dad, if you want a good man who's going to take care of you, don't do that, because that's going to make dumb people follow you. That's going to make stupid guys that you don't want to be with follow you. Little lessons like that are different, so different personalities, different stuff's coming out of them, but ultimately I'm trying to teach both of them what they're supposed to be, according to what God has called them to be, in the unique flavor that it is, and women tend to gravitate more towards you know their dad early on and boys tend to gravitate more towards their mom a little bit more early on, but as they grow that tends to flip as they start to find out.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm going to have to learn this from dad. I'm going to have to figure this out Like one of the most frustrating things ever. Have to learn this from dad. I'm going to have to figure this out Like one of the most frustrating things ever. Um, I, I needed to shave, Tim, and my dad like gave me a no, he didn't. I told him I needed to shave and he's like no, you're fine, Just let it grow. And I was like no, dad, it's really awkward, it looks really weird and so my mom bought me a razor and shaving cream.
Speaker 2:And she was like honestly, I've never shaved my face, you're gonna have to figure it out. And I was pissed because I really wanted my dad to show me how to shave. Never did. I had to figure that out myself. Little stuff like that actually goes a long way.
Speaker 2:With your sons Later there's going to be things that you're going to be able to share with them and explain to them and help them with. That mom's not going to be able to do because she's not a man. She can teach you what a godly mother and wife is supposed to look like. Your mom can't teach you how to be the man that you're supposed to be. She can be able to coach, she can speak into some things, but she can't model it, and for that reason, men later on are going to be a little bit more connected to their fathers and women later on are going to be a little bit more connected to their mothers. And that's a good thing. That's how it's supposed to be, because because ultimately you can get advice, but if you're looking for a mentor, you need somebody who can show you how, and that's where the distinction in genders really helps. That's interesting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like cooking with my daughter too. You brought that up.
Speaker 2:She's two.
Speaker 1:She can't do anything, but I'll order to dump the box of pasta in. I've been making bread lately and she just loves to play with the flour.
Speaker 2:You make bread all the time, dude. And you make bread all the time, dude. And they all eat the dough. That's another thing my wife does. They all eat dough and I'm like what is wrong with you, like it'll be better as bread with some butter on it. It's like chewy, you know flop right now, get your life together. But they all yeah, they got that from their mom. I don't get it. That's hilarious.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how early can you start telling these different aspects with your kids? Like you mentioned, man, you figured one was scared to be tossed in the air.
Speaker 2:So I would say 18 months, I'm already picking up on things that are different about them. Um, for my wife, probably earlier, she probably noticed this stuff about them. That's just different earlier. Uh, some things are super early. This kid just doesn't cry nearly as much as the last one did, they're just more chill. Great, that may not be the case later. One of my quiet kids earlier on is the fireball.
Speaker 2:No, really you know what I mean. I have this idea in my head. It's probably not true. I just think there's a tax. Either it's going to suck now or it's going to suck later. Either they were a terrible child and easy, you know, or you know easier in their teens, or you know they were easier as a child and then you know crazy in the whatever.
Speaker 1:I just feel like at some point.
Speaker 2:It's going to be hard. You're going to have to be intentional. You're going to have to work through some stuff and I'd rather get it out of the way early and hour. You pay later. Some of it's personality driven and some of it's just stuff that they're going to go through in life. That's going to make it hard. Some things happen to your kids that you don't want to happen to your kids and it's really hard, yeah, and you wouldn't wish that on them. I could get into stories of stuff that's happened with my kids already that I'm like man, I wish that didn't happen, but I also wasn't in control in that particular moment and nobody was. And now I'm having to walk them through that and it's uh, it sucks, but also that's life and I guess it's. It's better for some of those things to happen earlier, since you can help them navigate it in a healthy way rather than, um, you know, be traumatized later on and not have the tools.
Speaker 1:My wife said that when, uh, we were having our first daughter, she's like I didn't want a daughter because if she's anything like me when I was a teenager, it's going to be rough.
Speaker 2:Well I Is there truth to?
Speaker 1:that, Like do the kids actually kind of mimic that?
Speaker 2:Well, you're the model and I would say, if you haven't changed the way that you've lived or what you've done, there's a good chance they are going to be you. If you have changed some things in your life, you know how to communicate that well. Yeah, the second part of that is that there's some generational stuff that comes along with that too. So you may have gotten over some stuff, but that doesn't mean there aren't demons hanging around your family that are looking to tempt your kids in the same way they tempted you, and you want to be able to protect your kids and pray over those things before they hit times in their life where those are going to be the same issues. I mean, I'm praying for spouses, for my kids, already.
Speaker 1:That's why I do too honestly All the time. My daughter is four months old. I'm praying for her husband already.
Speaker 2:Yeah all the time. It's a big deal to me, especially in the climate and environment that we're currently in. It's going to be hard to find a solid dude for my girls. It's going to be hard to find a solid woman for my son and man. It's.
Speaker 2:It's important as a father that you're paying attention to those things and trying to think ahead and pray ahead to to, to really be on top of and cognizant. These are things that are going to happen. I need to be ahead of it and I want to. I want to be a, let's say, a patriarch. I want to be a father that has a generation and a heritage after them and is overseeing his family and protecting it. I don't want to be an authoritarian.
Speaker 2:So if a good man that loves Jesus comes along and meets all the qualifications, praise the Lord. I shouldn't be like the guy that. No, I don't want that. I'm not going to do it. No, well, that's being an authoritarian. There's a difference. Being a patriarch is yes, this is the right thing, this is the manner that it's supposed to go, this is the life you're supposed to live and I should want that. So, just thinking about that stuff ahead of time and preparing your heart and writing notes and paying attention to teaching them things about their self. If you don't know anything about your kids, you're doing a bad job. If they don't know anything about you, you're doing a bad job. There should be a combination of things together, and I think I've said before apologize often because you're going to make some mistakes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um, some came up recently in some of the sermons here at our church, man Um mentioning don't date somebody who doesn't have things figured out, and that was basically the gist of it. Yeah, and that hurt me because I'm like my wife married that guy, like I'm 34 in a couple of weeks and I'm like I don't know what the frick I'm doing.
Speaker 2:I think there's a difference between somebody who doesn't know what they're doing and somebody who doesn't know what they're supposed to be doing. Somebody who doesn't know what they're supposed to be doing is probably more of the problem. If you think, as a father, I don't need to engage, my wife will do that, or I don't need to engage, my wife will do that, or I don't really know. I mean, do I have to provide or you know? Is that you know what I mean? Like?
Speaker 2:things like that that are central to no. These are the things that you're supposed to be doing. I need to provide, I need to protect. I'm supposed to have kids. This is how I'm supposed to treat my wife. Am I nailing it every time? Probably not. Do I know exactly what I want to do with my life and every ounce of it? No, do you have an idea that I need to make money? I need to grow, I need to become. Those things are what we're talking about. So if somebody says, and if he doesn't have it all figured out or doesn't totally know what he's doing, don't marry him. What they're saying is the role and intention that the Bible has given him for that position, what that functionally could like. You know, if somebody is there, know all those things but have no idea how they're going to accomplish it, yeah, that's.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's tricky you know Well as a dad, though, is there a way we could help drive that into our kids, so that they can help figure stuff out sooner than later? I'll tell you right now.
Speaker 2:My mother-in-law and father-in-law have done so much to help my family, so much to help my family and I haven't always had it figured out, I haven't always done a great job, but they have done a ton with watching kids pouring into my kids, um, financially, helping at different moments where we were just struggling and we didn't know how this was going to work or how that was going to happen.
Speaker 2:They have been done so much to try to help me be the person that I'm supposed to be as a man and try to help support our family as much as they could, and been a wonderful model of how to do that, and I would just say that that's what it's supposed to look like.
Speaker 2:Fathers are supposed to help their kids not just just not just find the right things, but succeed after the fact as well, continue to help, pour into them, encourage them, because that's the investment, that's what you're leaving. We talked about it before, but kids are a are wealth and you want to continue to cultivate that, even after they're gone at some level. So, yeah, if you, if you're looking for somebody or trying to find, you know this person or that person for your spouse, the goal would be cool if you're jumping in. You're joining a family. I'm going to try to help continue to be a part of your life and help you guys succeed. I am not the authority in your life. You are your own family, but it is an investment for me to make sure that you succeed and not fail.
Speaker 1:Nice, interesting. I had a good talk with my stepson about kind of like that, because he's 15. Yeah, he doesn't know what the heck he wants to do. You know what I mean? He has no idea. So, like I'm there, I remember being that old?
Speaker 2:I didn't either I don't know.
Speaker 1:I'm playing sports and working man.
Speaker 2:That's all I'm doing. Michael was.
Speaker 1:But it was cool because I actually took some of those things that we learned here at our church and just the books I read and stuff to kind of help Like what stuff do you enjoy? What's the stuff that actually makes you go to bed at night, like I can keep doing this, yep, what are you good at? What are you not good at? What do you like to do? You know what?
Speaker 2:I mean, yeah, totally, totally. It was a really good conversation because he was like I want to be a professional football player and stuff, and I'm like, good luck, okay, good luck. And even if somebody says something like that, I'd want to dig in and be like okay, what do you like about football? Yeah, because it may not be football that you love. It might be something that you're getting from the sport that actually is the thing that you love.
Speaker 1:I might have to dive into that with him. Then that's a good point.
Speaker 2:Because a movie star. Well, what do you like about being a movie star? I want to be famous, okay. Well, that's sin, that's all that is. But if they say I love art, I love the stories that you get to tell and the connections you get to have with people in that, okay, now I'm hearing something about you that's of substance, that's helpful, so that I can teach you how to become something of value. That's got something in you that's good. I want to grow that and that way you can kind of help them learn what's sin and vanity and what's really good that they should run after.
Speaker 1:Because you don't want to crush some child's dream right.
Speaker 2:I want to crush their sin, and sometimes you have to use a scalpel to pierce between the two, where it's messy you know, and that can be difficult To your point, that's not a machete you're using there, that's a scalpel.
Speaker 1:Be gentle, be thoughtful about how you navigate that and do a good job there. Yeah, yeah, cool man.
Speaker 2:I wanted to bring up just an element of this that I think is important, and I'm just going to go ahead and like out myself. I think I've talked about this a lot. Look, growing up in the church, tim, it was like listen men, you're responsible for all the things that have gone wrong.
Speaker 2:How dare you do a better job, man? You know we wouldn't allow women to be pastors, but functionally they're, I guess I would say, more influential in unhealthy ways than they should be, because of the way that we talk to men but then, like in a household, it would translate that way too. And then in society it was like a whole different thing. It seemed to be disconnected. I always felt like there was a problem here. We're OK with women being in situations that are responsible in this area and that area, and great, we can vote women into office and all different things like this. And then in the church we wouldn't allow that, but there was a lot of confusion there. And then in the home that same stuff showed up. So there was this weird leveraging and it's very, it's strange to me. We're talking about fatherhood. Fatherhood is something that is not just in the home, it's something that extends into everything that you do, and I would say in businesses, in politics, military. What I would say is out in the world, in the church and in homes, men primarily should be the ones helping, run, speak into, overseeing and providing and protecting, not just for the church and not just for the home, but for communities, societies and nations. We're supposed to be the ones that are going to war and fighting for things. We should be the ones that have the responsibility of allowing things to grow and we should be the ones responsible for cultivating, pouring into the women that are in our communities and societies, as we're trying to accomplish. The Great Commission and the Christian societies and Christian nations that we're called to build according to the Great Commission, go out all the nations, teaching them to obey all that I've commanded you. This call is important that we see. Your call as a father is not just in the home. It's your to be that kind of person that you've learned to be in the home in every area of life. And so, wherever you go, whatever you're doing, you being a father, fighting for what matters, destroying wickedness, growing righteousness, using a scalper or a machete, depending on the situation. That is not just the situation, that is not just the home, that is everywhere.
Speaker 2:And I know our society is totally upside down and we have egalitarianism and feminism has really done a number on societies. But I will say this I mean Isaiah 3 is pretty clear on this and just scripture implicitly throughout the whole thing and explicitly in many areas, makes it clear men are supposed to lead, you're supposed to run hard, you're supposed to protect, you're supposed to provide in every let's say, leadership, functional area of life. I do not mean by this that a woman can't run a shop or something like that. I do mean that men in general are supposed to be running society, and functionally. We punted on that, and I think that's why we have fatherless homes. That's why we have fatherless homes, that's why we have fatherless churches, that's why we have fatherless men that don't know how to do it, because we've stopped seeing it as a value in the church and then we stopped seeing it as a value in our homes and, as a consequence, we've stopped seeing it as a value in society, and all you're going to see is decay because of that, and so a lot of people want to disconnect it. The church is different than the home, the home is different than society and society is its own thing. No, god actually set things up and ordained them in a very particular way. There wasn't a church in Eden. It was already ordained a particular way. There wasn't a church with Abraham. There wasn't a church with Abraham. There wasn't the church with Moses, there was the chosen people of God and God's structure and provision, through laws and communication and oracles, to teach us how we are supposed to thrive in societies, because he's the one who's made it, and so it's important to me.
Speaker 2:When we talk about fathers running things with this word patriarchy, which everybody freaks out about, I'm not talking about authoritarianism. I'm talking about men doing what they're supposed to be doing in every aspect of life and not relegating it to particular areas of life and disconnecting it from everywhere else in the world. What God has prescribed to us is healthy across the board, in every single area, and when we disconnect families from churches, from communities, from nations, we are setting ourself up to teach our kids the wrong things, because what we're saying is this is true here, but it's actually not true on a larger level. You can go ahead and disconnect it from everything else going on in the world. That's stupid.
Speaker 2:Sanity is here's what God has said is true in every area. Walk this out, be this man, fight for women, fight for kids, do the right thing. And when that stuff gets upset in the church, it then translates to homes and then translates to communities and nations, and I would want to communicate the importance of fathers. We try to say this all the time when dads do what they're supposed to do, things get a lot better. But we don't just mean in the church and the family, we mean the whole world. But then we're afraid to implement the things we're saying about the family and the church to the world, and that's just being inconsistent, yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, that was good. Sure love with that, sorry. Well, you started with a blended family, I know.
Speaker 2:Tim, I'm trying to think other questions that came in during this time. I did have one question I wanted to answer briefly.
Speaker 2:Somebody asked the question hey what you said there's some things that you would share with your wife and some things you wouldn't share with your wife, and I just wanted to dive into that quickly. There are things that I know my wife will hold onto emotionally that I will let go in a heartbeat. Most men have the unique ability to stay a little bit more emotionally disconnected from situations Not all the time, but there's a general objectivity, like case in point when somebody dies in the family, the guy's going to be affected, but it's almost his responsibility to shoulder the emotional difficulty of the family before he even gets to work through some of that stuff yourself. Yeah, I brought this up before man like your wife goes through a miscarriage, you don't get to go through the mourning process right away. You need to support your wife first and you need to take care of her and make sure her she's, make sure she's okay, and then you're going to have to work through that stuff a little bit later on your own. I would say in general guys are supposed to be like that across the board. There are some fights, arguments, things that are going to happen in your life that if you go out of your way and tell your wife about this, she's going to shoulder it in a less healthy way and it's usually stuff that she doesn't necessarily need to know. That's going to make her day suck way worse because she's going to carry it differently than you do.
Speaker 2:I don't give anything to my wife that I feel like is going to mess with her or create an emotional burden for her to carry that she doesn't need to know and isn't actually helpful. This doesn't mean I wouldn't tell her things, because I would tell my wife anything. I'm not doing the godfather thing where it's like don't ever ask me about the family business. I'm not saying that. I do think, um, like, for instance, somebody, a friend of mine, might do something stupid or say something stupid and then, if I tell my wife that that pissed me off or really frustrated me, uh, a week later I'm not going to be bugged by it at all and I'm working hard at that relationship. Three years later she's still holding onto it and sees that that man, that man, treated my husband badly. I don't like him. I don't want that. That's not helpful. So little things like that.
Speaker 1:You mentioned insecurities too, when you brought that up last time.
Speaker 2:With regard to.
Speaker 1:Not to tell your wife.
Speaker 2:About like oh, don't use your wife as a counselor.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you specifically said like insecurities, so my brain went to it. Yeah, like don't tell your wife thinking that you're fat all the time or something.
Speaker 2:I mean it depends where you're at in your, in your marriage. But I would say this yeah, if you, if you are married and looking for a mother and not a wife, that's a problem. Be a man. You can vent about more stuff and work through more of that stuff with your pastor and other guys.
Speaker 2:It's probably not good to be bleeding on your wife all the time, all the insecurities that you have, or she's going to feel like she has to take the place of that person in the home who has to hold it together because the husband can't. Does that make sense? There might be seasons where your wife helps you through that. Or there's something you're working through that she's going to uniquely be able to help you through. Or your wife helps you through that, or there's something you're working through that she's going to uniquely be able to help you through. Most of the time, you need to be the one shouldering that weight, helping people navigate through stuff and being where the buck stops emotionally, because if emotions are running your life, then they're also running your family's life. That's interesting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cool, because I have probably far too many insecurities, man oh yeah, every man does, every man does.
Speaker 2:But it's not your wife's job to shoulder all of those.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would agree, but I will know some things when I come out and tell my wife something and she's actually there to like. No, that's not true. Like you're better than what you think.
Speaker 2:Yes, and men and women should always call out lies that our spouse is hearing. We should address those things Again. There's like a lot of balancing statements I could make here, but by and large, we have a lot of hyper-emotional, tight pants, piercing tiny, pusillanimous men who are acting more like women than they are men. And I would say, especially in our culture that loves to tell men like just well, how come men don't cry more. That crap is not helpful at all.
Speaker 2:No, we don't need more men acting like women. We need more men actually being solid and towing the line and holding it together, because we're supposed to hold things together when other things fall apart. And if you are constantly falling apart and I'll say this as a disclaimer to younger guys who are not yet married if you're trying to be like the emotional you're trying to be what, let's say, society has communicated to you that women want, which is another woman, you're already failing and you're not going to be the man that you're called to be and you're going to end up with a mom and not a wife. Huge problem Birth control has done some of this. I don't know if you realize this, tim I think I brought this up on the podcast before.
Speaker 2:But women's taste in men has dramatically changed when birth control was placed because you basically have women going from wanting and biologically desiring masculine traits beards, bigger, guys, bigger, you know and then you repress all that and instead what they want is their comfort zone, which is safe. You know what I mean? Okay, right, like. So you have men going from burly flannel, chopping woods, eating flapjacks, working on the farm that women are attracted to, to men that look more like women, and so you'll see the patterns in men of what they'll do to try to attract a woman dramatically changing, and now most men are doing female things to try to attract a lady and it's disgusting.
Speaker 2:And then if you God forbid marry that person, you'll find that you married a daughter you know what I mean or a boy, not a man, and so it's hilarious. Just watching this stuff, you're like, oh my gosh, it's a nightmare. What has happened to our culture? Thank you birth control for ruining masculinity. There's a bunch of other components there too, but I think that is interesting and I would say look, don't be a simp. Okay, just be a man. Be what God has called you to be, it'll work out.
Speaker 1:Awesome, Cool man. Well, thanks for chatting with us today, man.
Speaker 2:All right, yeah, I enjoyed it. Guys, I hope you pick some stuff up, learn some stuff and are growing through this process.
Speaker 2:We're really enjoying it, if there's other stuff that you guys want us to cover. Like I said, I'm excited, tim, to dig into the Ten Commandments. I think that's a great idea, but if there's other stuff you guys are like man. I would love for you guys to cover this topic, hit on it a little bit. I'd love to be able to do that and again happy to recommend books on particular topics see if you guys like.
