Hustle Her
Hustle Her
Hustle Her - Dr. Carmen
Imagine the resilience it takes to bounce back after a heartbreaking loss. This is the story of Dr. Carmen Rabain, an accomplished dentist, entrepreneur, and a woman with an indomitable spirit. In this deeply moving episode, we get a glimpse into Carmen's vibrant life and her journey to success. With an infectious love for food, good conversation, jazz music, and painting, Carmen's multifaceted personality is as inspiring as it is intriguing. She shares her memories of stepping into the entrepreneurial world, her experiences as part of a mixed couple in Bermuda, and her fierce love for her Promethean husband.
The conversation takes a courageous turn as we touch upon the subject of loss and healing. Carmen opens up about her heartbreaking experience of losing her baby at 41 weeks. It's a story of heartbreak, resilience, navigating through emotional turmoil and eventually, finding a way to heal. She talks about how this personal tragedy brought about a profound change in her life and inspired her to start a support group for women, who have faced similar experiences.
As we venture deeper into Carmen's journey, we uncover the delicate balance she has discovered in her life. Despite the pain of her loss, Carmen has found a way to celebrate life, to cherish the moments she shares with her children, and to honor the memory of the child she lost. She discusses the importance of speaking about such losses and the role her husband played in her healing process. While the story is undoubtedly heart-wrenching, it's Carmen's strength and her determination to find joy and purpose that leaves us truly inspired. So, join us, as we share the tale of a woman who turned her deepest sorrow into a beacon of support for others. It's a conversation you won't want to miss.
It's time for hustle her podcast. I'm your host, deshae Keynes. Hustle her is all about inspiring women through real life experiences that have helped to mold and develop not only me but my guests into the entrepreneurs and leaders we are today. If you're an enterprising woman determined to succeed and looking for a bit of motivation, a bit of tough love and some actionable takeaways to be the best you girl, you are in the right place. Hey guys, welcome back to hustle her podcast. Thank you for spending some time with me today. As always, I genuinely appreciated.
Speaker 1:Big shout out to our sponsors, brown and Co, as well as 59 front. So make sure you head over to 59 front. You can buy this lovely germ alone candle that we have here on the coffee table today, and then I'll be also doing some shorter videos from some of the other things that they have over there. So, for those of you who are regular listeners and follow the Instagram page, I did a people's choice kind of contest for who everyone wanted to see on the podcast for this season. So my next guest is someone who was already scheduled to be on but she, like hands down, won the vote, so please help me. Welcome Dr Carmen Rubin. She is a partner and owner of Coral dental Carmen. Thank you I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Great, all right. So we're gonna jump in and get some of these questions that we have. We want to get to know you a little bit better and then we'll jump right in. Cool, all right. What is your skincare routine?
Speaker 2:My skincare routine is well in the morning it's a bit of a scramble with two little kids. So, it's a 15 minute dash, yeah, so not much like in the shower and the evening. I do like a series of things with the OCEA products, which I really love. I had a facial somewhere at a hotel here and they kind of instructed me, so I do like a serum and like a toner and a moisturizer afterwards.
Speaker 1:Okay yeah, nighttime routines for me are a bit more heavy as well.
Speaker 2:Like I have the time to actually focus on my face, with just going All right.
Speaker 1:I'm happiest when.
Speaker 2:I'm happiest when I'm in front of good food. I love food Eating or cooking, and with good people, good conversation.
Speaker 1:Okay, perfect, all right. What did you spend your first paycheck on after you, you know, became a dentist? Like what was the first first bit of money spent on yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I invested in a better place to live, like just getting just upgrading a little bit started from the bottom and, yeah, wanted to get a better place to live. I was waiting on that check so we could upgrade. And I'm also invested in a good pair of shoes Because I was the target girl. I still am a target girl.
Speaker 1:I mean targets, got some nice stuff.
Speaker 2:Kind of love target. We can't knock it, can't knock it at all.
Speaker 1:Spend way too much money in there, so I got it. You can get lost.
Speaker 2:So yeah, but the shoes. If you wear target shoes, you know for a little, while they don't hold up the same way. A high quality shoe, there you go. So yeah, I got it.
Speaker 1:I get you All right. Cool, Walk me through what you like to do on the plane.
Speaker 2:A book I love reading. I wait to get into the airport to go into one of the little shops and I'm there with people that don't usually look like me and we're all like looking through little books and I just sit there and read and my husband's wondering what I'm doing and, yeah, I find a really good book that I want to read and I just want to sit in the on the plane and turn the pages and feel the book Nice. I wait for that.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right. What does love feel like?
Speaker 2:Love feels like acceptance, loving your authentic self, someone who loves you for who you are, truly Acceptance, loving who you are and I would say, just like a piece, I love.
Speaker 1:All right, and who or what are you listening to currently? I guess who, okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's Gregory Porter. I know people don't really know.
Speaker 1:No, no idea who that is.
Speaker 2:So he's a jazz musician like jazz, but he he sings like jazz. It's kind of Nat King Cholesk, just a really soothing baritone. You don't hear a baritone voice very often. It's something really soothing about it and he's has some really amazing calming songs. So at the end of the day I like to cook and turn him on and it calms the kids down. And also when I'm working I think it's very relaxing for patients.
Speaker 1:Okay, and then what's your hidden talent? Something not a lot of people know about you. Hidden talent is I like to paint. I don't know how good I am, but I like it Are you like one of those people at the sip and paints that are like doing really well, or is it like, ooh, we don't know what?
Speaker 2:that is. I think I take it way too seriously. I'm painting like I am invested in that picture and I feel like I do a pretty good job, my friend. I was like Carmen.
Speaker 1:I just love something I'm here for it. Okay, so obviously I know you've heard about the whole celebrity crush thing, but I asked everyone who comes on now who's the celebrity crush?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would have to say from childhood I loved usher Raymond. I went to his concert and like he just embodies, he had a little bit of Atlanta which I love, it's just home. And then also like his interaction with the audience is amazing and he's just, he's just my guy, it was a good time you went to the Vegas show.
Speaker 1:I did. Okay, I got to go. I heard he extended. It's pretty amazing. Yeah, okay, I'll make it a point to head down to Vegas for that.
Speaker 2:Oscar show.
Speaker 1:Okay, and I know you're not Promethean, but you are married to one and I'm hoping and praying that he is leading you down the right way. So tell me who is your cut match team.
Speaker 2:Uh, Starter Set there we go, there we go. 100%. Cut match might be over but exactly, there you go.
Speaker 1:That's all you have to say. The winners. Sorry, lara, it'll be alright, all right, so let's jump right in. So, as the owner and partner of one of you know, our one of our leading dentists office in Bermuda, something that I've noticed, because I've had the pleasure of coming into your practice before, is that you employ a lot of young local Bermudians qualified in their field. You don't usually see that in practices in Bermuda and as someone who's not from here, like what was kind of the essence or genesis behind that when you bought your practice?
Speaker 2:I just thought honestly where I started. We always I always was into giving back and and being in touch with my community. Yeah, so when I was in dental school, I went to a dental school where there weren't many people that looked like me, but we had a group that always took the time to go back into the high schools. We spent time Just trying to motivate and educate and expose a young people to the profession. It's just more of something that's instilled in me. It doesn't matter where I go. I would be invested in people who Typically wouldn't have opportunities, and being able to bring them along because they look like me, that's, yeah. That's where I was, and so I was given the opportunity and I always looked to be able to give someone who, first of all, has a skill set like it's not, yeah, but have the skill set, have the warmth that we're looking for and then, yeah, just have the drive to do something more.
Speaker 2:So I, my team, is just phenomenal. They're awesome, they're good people and I think you know we're like a family.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can tell like from the social media. You know you guys look like you get along, always doing like the trends. And then the crew, the parties, you guys always doing give backs. So that started in your first practice.
Speaker 2:Well, when you first started in dentistry, the give backs yeah, yeah, I just, I think it's just a Something from childhood, like where my, my family, my mother and my grandmother like we worked, like we were, we were churchy people so we're always in the church and my grandmother like used to do these homeless Like feeding programs and things, and then you would give back to, like families in the community.
Speaker 2:It's something that's been stilled with me. I just sat around church all day like packing baskets for people, yeah. So I always was very connected to the community and I Think that that translates to who I am now, where it's just an intimate part of who I am and where I I'm doing this for a reason, like I'm not just doing this just to make money like.
Speaker 2:I'm doing this as a service. So, yeah, it's just part of who I am. And we're even going to. Next week we leave for Guatemala, we go on a mission trip, so we're going back there to serve and to be able to help out the kids there.
Speaker 1:That's amazing. Yeah, it's really good, you know, because sometimes people just kind of look at doctors and think they're just here to just kind of make money and they never really give back into the community. Yeah, so I actually something I really admire about your practice. So you mentioned about your mom and your grandma. Like tell me about little Carmen, like where are you from?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I am from. I was born in Cleveland, ohio. We were only there for a couple years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, which is real middle America. But, yeah, I loved it. I only was there a couple years and then I moved straight to Atlanta. So I spent my the majority of my life in Atlanta.
Speaker 2:As little Carmen was in Atlanta I grew up. My dad was a pastor, my mom was a nurse. She had a constant drive. She was a big inspiration for me as far as education, and my dad. They both are very much into education, but my mom and she, like, went back. She started off as an RN and then she went back and became a nurse practitioner, got her masters and she went on got her doctorate, as we were. As she was an adult, she spent a lot of time considering how to move herself forward, because she started off as an orange. She always wanted to be a doctor and she always had a huge thirst to do more as far as her studies, and I remember being surrounded by that, as well as my father. So, yeah, so we grew up in Atlanta. Little Carmen always loved sports. I played a lot of volleyball. Really, yeah, captain of my volleyball team, I played basketball.
Speaker 1:So we gotta get you out on the volleyball team I love volleyball.
Speaker 2:Really I don't quite what it used to be?
Speaker 1:Oh goodness.
Speaker 2:But I'm good, I can do it.
Speaker 1:Okay, All right. So when you were younger, did you know? You always wanted to be a dentist.
Speaker 2:No, I knew I wanted to be a doctor. I thought I wouldn't be a surgeon actually, so I thought pediatrician I love my pediatrician and my mom used to tell me I would go to the pediatrician's house like my mom worked for her, and she would say, if you want a house like this, you gotta get good grades. And I was like, oh, okay, all right. So I thought, oh, maybe I'll be like that. And she was a black woman and she was beautiful and she was sweet, and so I thought I wanted to be like her.
Speaker 2:And then I learned I like to work with my hands. So I thought I would be a surgeon, like a neonatal surgeon, and I started shadowing the surgeon and realized that their hours were something that wouldn't support what I wanted to do, which is be a mommy, and so I wanted to have time to be at home with my kids, and so she actually enlightened me and told me, like you should really check out Dentistry with my friends at Dentist. And she can. She still works with her hands, she still does surgery, but she's able to have the flexibility to be with her family and her day cuts off, you know.
Speaker 1:At a certain time. At a certain time, a little bit in the surgeons, yeah, absolutely so. What was kind of like the driving force behind coming in? Entrepreneur Cause, like some people you know, they look at entrepreneurs like, oh, it looks fun, like you know, great, you can set your own hours, all that type of stuff, but there's a lot of comfort in working for someone else.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean guaranteed in paychecks and you're not dealing with the politics of offices, hiring, firing, all of that. So what made you go from you know the comfort of not having to worry about any of that to you know what I'm gonna buy this practice. Take it on, transform it. What was that?
Speaker 2:That's a good question because it was really challenging Initially, before I was married, I always thought I'll have my own practice one day, but after I had kids it became a big focus of mine, like I love being a mom, and so when I got to that point I thought, you know, maybe I don't have to and I was in a good practice, that I was working and I really enjoyed the people that I was there with, and then this opportunity kept presenting itself couple of them and I think it was just the fact that I just know that if I didn't, if I didn't take the opportunity to do it, then I might not ever do it. And I feel like you know I truly God, like just aligned it so that.
Speaker 2:I was able to do it, so, yeah. So I stepped out there and I'm like, lord, if it all aligns, then I'll do it. And I kept stepping and things just fell into place and my now partner we worked together at the previous office where we were both very content and cozy and she's like what are you doing? She thought I was absolutely insane. That's all right. Later I told her come on, help me out.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I think it's a scary thing, as a woman as well, like to when you know that you're in a comfort zone you're doing all right to step out by yourself and to do it, especially when you've never done it before. They don't train like medical professionals, healthcare professionals, anything about business, really Like nothing. Like they. We're in school for eight, 10, 12 years and they don't give you business training, so you have to do that on your own, gotcha. So it's a scary thing to step out there and not just be like I'm already a masterful at my craft of dentistry, but I knew nothing about running a business, so I had to do a lot of CE, spend a lot of time with people who were masterful and put good people in my corner and it happened, yeah.
Speaker 1:So what would you say has been the biggest learning curve outside of, like the business aspect of it? Anything else, but you weren't expecting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's just managing people. I think it's just the fact that you know you expect others to be to react in situations like you would. You know, like I'm like always shocked by that. So you go through some difficult spots with people and trying to like give them a chance, and then they don't necessarily always reciprocate in the same way or they don't respond in the way that you thought they would. But when you filter through and you get the really good ones, then you have something really amazing.
Speaker 1:Yeah that's good. No, I totally understand. And then, as an entrepreneur as well, we have this like need to want to defend the business as well, especially when someone leaves or is no longer with us or has a bad experience, whatever that may or may not look like, because it's your baby, right. It's like something that you've put your heart and soul into. So you take it so personally.
Speaker 2:And that's always so difficult as well, but managing people is just, you know, every shoe doesn't fit and we and I have a specific bus, like we have a specific bus that we're on, with a direction that we're going, and I know what we want and who we want to be.
Speaker 1:And it doesn't fit for everybody.
Speaker 2:And that's okay. But yeah, I just, I just want everybody to get along. So it's hard as a, it's hard as someone who's managing people to sometimes step back and say you know, this probably isn't the best fit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's always unfortunate, so okay, so walk me through how you ended up in Bermuda, and I know it's with your husband, so walk us through the story of that and how you ended up here.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, okay. So I was finishing dental school and I just came on vacation to visit a girlfriend of mine that was here a childhood friend and I just said I'll come sleep on your couch. I just need to get away from Alabama for a minute and have a change of scenery. Yeah, so, yeah. So I came here and we said we were. I said, can we go to the beach tomorrow? I was on a Friday and she's like, okay, well, let's go to the church first and then we can go to the beach. And I'm like, oh, all right, all right, let's go to church. I love church. So we went and I randomly bumped into my husband and he knew my friend's husband and then I just kept seeing him throughout the week that I was here and we talked every single day since then. So suddenly here I am in Bermuda.
Speaker 1:And we said oh, maybe three years we'll live here. And yeah, 13 years later, 14 years, I feel like a lot of people who are like mixed couples, in terms of like one from Bermuda, another one from somewhere else and I will come to Bermuda for a few years, and then it turns into like 20 years later we've been here all this time, that's it, and we bought a practice and we have a house and it's all of that. So you met him at church on vacation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was really random and I don't know, I think it was just, I literally started praying for like a specific, specific things and it was just so easy. It was so different than every other relationship I had been in and, yeah, it was very simple. Every time he said he would call, he called and we did long distance thing for about a year and then I was here.
Speaker 1:So how is it being married to a Bermudian in Bermuda Like? What is that process being like? Because it's not the true expat kind of environment, because you're emerged into, like a Bermudian lifestyle as well but, you're not really from here, like how is that? I've always I'm always very interested to know how people you know feel.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's been good At first. When you get here, you get a couple comments. You get like a ah, still one of our guys, one of our Bermudians, I got that. I got that a couple times. But after I developed relationships with people, they were good. I was like well, you can have one of mine. You guys can head over to Atlanta and, you know, scoop one up I'll trade you, I'll trade you.
Speaker 2:Exchange. Yeah, I'm good with that. Yeah, I was. I got that a couple times at the beginning, but you know, I think it's just, I love people. So I think I've just, since I've been here, I've just kind of immersed myself in the culture. I've made Bermudian friends and I do things with them. What they do I, I don't know. It's just part of my life now. Bermuda is is part of me, but it does take a little time to get used to it and you just have you miss things about home. So I part of the marriage agreement is that I get home quite whenever I want to, like I go back and forth often and that way I'm not so homesick and my family loves Bermuda, so they come here and, yeah, we just have meshed together.
Speaker 1:I like when you said a part of the marriage agreement.
Speaker 2:It was part of the marriage agreement. I'm like okay, if I do this, then you're okay with me leaving. Right, and he was he was like okay, yeah, you can go in. It changes a little bit when you have kids, cause he just doesn't want to be at home with the kids all the time by himself, but we've worked it out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I mean, I get that. And then it's also like you know, you want to go home, you want to see your family and you miss certain things. Like you know, go on a target, right Target, there you go.
Speaker 2:Fall and target is the best Like right now. I miss like warm sweaters and like shopping all the fall items and target.
Speaker 1:Yes, definitely, and we really don't have a fall in Bermuda, it goes from like hot to not so hot, and then damp and cold and then back hot. Exactly, I loved fall and I was a nerd.
Speaker 2:So I like pin sharpened pencils Like when you're starting to sharpen pencils like the smell of that is so and like fall leaves and the sweaters, and then like the pumpkin, like the pumpkin patch, rides and hay rides. I don't know, I know LaCourney, but I love it All of it.
Speaker 1:Well, you're from down south too, which?
Speaker 2:those are big things in the south right, so I went to school.
Speaker 1:We went to the same alma mater, oakley University. Oh, you, and I think we both you were there when I was there as well, and so Oakley College, sorry. And then you. So you see all the fall, you see the changes, you see the leaves. Then they have like the apple picking and the pumpkin patches, so it's very, very southern. So I do agree. Okay, so now that you guys have kids and you know you have two cultures to kind of blend, like what is something that you, how do you balance, I guess, your cultures with your kids? You know there's some holidays that we don't have here in Bermuda, that's, in the States, and vice versa. How does that happen? How does it work? I think?
Speaker 2:um, I just, I just do it all. The more holidays, the better, so we do them all. So Thanksgiving is the one holiday I thirst for here. It was my favorite holiday at home, but I still cook and I make sure I make some basic things that must be there, like the collard greens and the sweet potatoes and the macaroni and the dressing.
Speaker 1:I'm still waiting for my Thanksgiving invitation.
Speaker 2:The dressing, oh okay, I'll work on that, the dressing, not the stuffing. That's a big thing. It's a big thing. That's very southern though, the very southern thing, yeah. So we, I just do, I just do them both, and then, like fourth of July, I was born on fourth of July, yes, and so that's something that I miss here. But we go home most of the time. We're there, we make sure we see the fireworks, and then when we're here, we're May 24, we are cup matched Out. We are fully immersed in culture here too. So they know both of their sides and if anybody asks them, they you know they have been well exposed to both.
Speaker 2:And they spend the summers with my mom. She's out in the country in Nashville, so they get. They get a little bit of everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good, I mean when you look back right on, like what you did as a kid. I think a good balance of both is always really good, I think so. I think so. I grew up in Bermuda, but I also spent a lot of time overseas because my parents were in university, so that balance of knowing both cultures is really great. So I think you know it helps out. And then you get like these weird accents sometimes, though, because it's like you're around certain you know Americans, and then you're with Braumudian, so it like that adaptability and the accents is strange.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my son, his accent is a little crazy. Right now it is he's got some thick Braumudian accent and then he says y'all you know, so it's, he's got like some. It's a serious mixture, you're right.
Speaker 1:It's that summertime in the country with his grandparents and me, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm y'all all day. You say you're going to say y'all. I'm a y'all girl yeah.
Speaker 1:It happens, especially when you're in down south like that, y'all will roll off the tongue. I drew the line when I said Finna one day.
Speaker 2:I was in, I was like I'm going to go to the store. I was like who am I?
Speaker 1:And I was like never again. And that's when I knew it was time to leave Huntsville.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's rubbing off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's hilarious. So it wasn't always. You weren't always in this space as a mom where you know you had two lovely kids, like in the beginning. You know you went through some difficulty with not actually having kids but with your pregnancy, Like and again I want everyone to be very aware I asked Carmen if it was okay to discuss this, so walk me through your first child.
Speaker 2:Yeah, first baby. I had an amazing pregnancy and I was yoga mom and I was doing all the things and preparing for my beautiful natural birth and, yeah, I had a stillborn. I was 41 weeks pregnant. I was out walking on the beach and trying to walk the baby down, as everybody told me to do, and I was going for my checkups and I felt some strange things and then the baby stopped moving.
Speaker 2:So I lost the baby at 41 weeks and it was truly the most traumatic thing I think I've been through in my life and it took a period of a period to try to recover from that and just to recenter myself and really spiritually, which is the foundation and the crux of my life is my relationship with God, just asking him why, like what is going on. But it also allows you to have your own experience, your own spiritual experience not your parents' experience, but truly your own experience, and being able to go through a trial that tough on your own just allows you to grow and to really sit down and have those questions with God. So that's kind of where I ended up, but it was an amazing experience in that while I was searching for the answers as to why that would happen because people lose babies and I've had miscarriages too, like earlier on and I'm not discrediting a miscarriage, because all of these losses are really traumatic but there's something about carrying a baby with this big tummy and sitting down and working on patients that I see all day, every day, and that come back in six months and I was waiting to see the baby. There's something about going through that external view of pregnancy. That was difficult.
Speaker 2:So as I searched for the answers as to why I would be allowed to even get that far, I've learned I'm still learning that I truly believe that it was a vessel for me to be able to be empathetic towards others. The amount of women that I've been able to encourage and be in contact with after that is phenomenal. I started like a little support group when I got back from I left. I left the island and kind of hid, because the great thing about Bermuda is that everybody knows you. The bad thing about Bermuda is that everybody knows you Exactly.
Speaker 2:So everybody was waiting to see this baby. So I just kind of fled and hid out in my mom's, basically upstairs in her house. And one thing I did while I was there is I went to support groups and when you're in the States there are quite a few people who are maybe going through the same thing. But when you're in Bermuda you feel a little isolated because it's less a smaller population of people to draw from. So you feel like you're by yourself. And I found a lot of people didn't talk about it. So I got back I was like, okay, I'm gonna start a support group.
Speaker 2:So I just kind of I was on like a one track mind of trying to distract myself from the baby and I wrote OBGYNs and told the hospital hey look, I have this like if women are going through something like I'll sit down with them and just share my story. And I had another friend who was going through something similar, so two of us did it and it's been amazing the amount of women that I've been able to connect with. And I don't have any profound wisdom in it. I'm not. I don't have any formal training in it, but many times you just wanna talk to somebody else who's been through the same thing. So we sat down, we talk, I'd bring them a bear, I just tell them to celebrate their baby and we grow through that. So I truly feel like I went through that process so that I'm able to. That's just like an arm of like ministry for me, an arm of another arm of service, I guess.
Speaker 1:So, yeah yeah, so you said just now. You said they're celebrate the baby. How do you do that? How do you? As you know, you said you were 41 weeks, it was a full term baby, right? How do you celebrate a baby who you no longer felt kicking and you still had to go through the birthing process, I'm assuming? And then you walk away and not have that child. Like how do you celebrate that?
Speaker 2:So I planted a tree, like I planted a little lemon tree, and that reminds me of him it's my Austin tree.
Speaker 1:That's his name, Austin. Yeah, his name was Austin.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's it. Like celebrating him is like speaking his name and like talking about the fact that he was here and his life meant something, and that was my purpose, like what did his life mean?
Speaker 1:Like why did I go through this?
Speaker 2:And I feel like his life meant something to be able to encourage others. It meant something in my family. It just gave me such a right now with my own kids. I have a different level of passion with my children. And I had to fix that a little bit, like with the first baby, because when I first had Ava, like I was so happy to have a baby, like I would just sit and hold her, and you can't just hold a baby off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you gotta leave him alone, yeah, you gotta put him down.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, so I think that you have to find the balance in that. But I think his life allowed me to be able to celebrate my kids and be a better mother now. I really truly appreciate it and, yeah, I celebrate him through that and they know about him and I tell my other like moms, like you know, speak their names, like find ways to remember them every year around their birthday and just find ways to incorporate them into your life since not like they're forgotten.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, Because I guess not having. I guess it's hard because sometimes it's like would it be easier to try to forget and just move on, but then I'm assuming that that doesn't help with that grieving process.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I guess everybody's a little different. I'm not a real quiet person, like it would be unnatural for me to sleep something under the rug. I'm like a wear it on your shoulder kind of girl I want to like I will just share whatever, so that for some people I think they might feel better about hiding something and just keeping it closed and many people do and I had people that reached out to me after I had the loss and suddenly were like hey, I've been through this and they've never mentioned it before.
Speaker 1:Why do you think we, as women, tend to shy away from that Is? What do you think that is?
Speaker 2:I think there's a little shame in it. You walk around and you see women that just pop out babies like candy, like in the rice fields, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like they were doing it like since ancient times, yeah, and so like everybody expects us to be able to do this womanly thing which is to birth a baby. So I think there's a little shame in it. It's really sad. It's a reminder that you failed at something, so I think that maybe we don't talk about that because of that reason, but truly it's not something to be ashamed of, because so many women go through it, I think if we shared more, we could encourage each other and sit beside each other and fill the support and figure out how to do it again.
Speaker 2:Try again if you want to.
Speaker 1:Definitely yeah. And then the trying part is also again. After that happens, like I'm assuming, during those processes you get just as nervous as the first time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it like changes your relationship. It can really be difficult to recover from that and it can be harsh on the husband, like he didn't sign up for this, like they don't really want to, they don't want to have to go through this and watching their wife going through this type of turmoil I mean they're sad too. But it's different for the women, and so it changes what used to be fun. It changes it into something that becomes a chore and a thing that is just something that is almost like a, a thing that you want to kind of shy away from every month. You don't even want to think about it, and it changes the whole direction and the energy of your month and you're waiting to see if you might have a baby this month.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's great. So how was Ryan with you during that time?
Speaker 2:He was great. He was just super patient. I have like my husband's opposite of me. He is like completely balanced, completely. He's just always the same and this was hard for him, but he's truly like my compliment. So, whereas I know people whose relationships are strained and they don't make it through this kind of thing it pushes them apart he was just there, he was just supportive. Every time I was in the shower crying by myself, he was just there.
Speaker 1:He was phenomenal, he was awesome.
Speaker 2:And he was down for all of the shenanigans that.
Speaker 1:I put him through Like.
Speaker 2:I was at a calendar and you know he was there, he was ready and he's been an amazing father. Yeah, he was just committed to the process because he wanted the same thing that I did and we just did it.
Speaker 1:So what do you want to say to like women now that have gone through that? So we spoke about miscarriages in a previous episode, but I think a full term loss like that is different in some ways and, like you said, we're not diminishing that in any way but what is something that you want to convey to someone who may have just gone through that?
Speaker 2:If you've just gone through it, I just would say to find somebody else to talk to so you don't feel so alone and so you don't feel like you've done something wrong. I'll say one example that I remember like vividly is going into the grocery store right after it happened and a patient walked up to me. I was grabbing something off of like the top shelf and she was like oh, she's like I bet you grabbed something off the top shelf like that when you were pregnant, didn't you? And she's like you know that that pulls them umbilical cord and it chokes your baby. That's probably what happened what?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what she said. Are you kidding me? Yeah, so then I'm like in the grocery store, like like okay, maybe I did do that Full tears like just happened. That's why I had to like leave.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because people would make little comments. People are so insensitive.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and they just want, they feel like they're helping and that is not helpful. No, because then you go home and you think about it and you're like maybe I did do that and there's this like whole guilt thing. So I feel like women who have losses. There's something that happened during your pregnancy where you feel like I did something wrong and, honestly, like women used to work in the fields.
Speaker 2:Women do gymnastics, they do, they do all levels of yeah, marathons, like it had nothing to do with you doing something wrong. It just it had something that happens, like statistically it just happens. So I would just say find somebody to talk to so you can realize that you know Somebody else is going through it as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And push through it and try again if you want to.
Speaker 1:Okay, perfect. And then now you have beautiful Ava and Ashton. So when you look at them now, given the first, the loss that you had of Austin, like how does that feel having your two beautiful kids now Best?
Speaker 2:It is like my joy to come home to them every day. As as hectic as it is to be a mom, it is the best, um, and I think that, like I said, you just appreciate it in a different level. Like I love um, whereas I was, I'm definitely like a. I love a, a good event, a party, like what's happening, like let's go.
Speaker 1:Like.
Speaker 2:I'm always I'm, I'm the friend that's down to travel, to go and to always be busy, um, but being a mom to them, it brings me the most joy, and so I'm learning um over and over, as I'm getting a little older, that I think that brings me the most joy when I'm sitting there cooking or painting with them. Um, although I still like my party, um, you know, I still like a good event, but I I find a piece in in being their mom and being next to them and just being able to see them learn and just um and grow. Yeah, they're growing so fast, yeah.
Speaker 1:Time is flying by. Oh my gosh Can't believe it. Ava's what 10? Now she's turning 10. Oh my gosh, crazy. Anyway, we are running out of time, so I we're going to do a part too. Um, you know, so we can get everything together. You know, kind of ask you some more questions, but I always round out with everyone, um, at the end of each episode, like when you're no longer on this planet and someone says Carmen Rebane, or if they knew you by your, uh, maiden name, like what do you want to be remembered for? What do you want people to say about you when you're no longer with us?
Speaker 2:Um, I think that I would just want to be remembered as a person who loved passionately. Um.
Speaker 1:I loved people.
Speaker 2:I loved my friends, I loved God. Um I just, and that was authentic and that. I was true to myself, um, and I think that's kind of the foundation of of how I function, like I want to function in true love with whoever I'm. I'm with, and authenticity.
Speaker 1:Nice, I love that. Okay, so thank you so much for spending some time with me today, and I too. Two uh ways people can get in contact with you. So the first thing is, if anyone wants to do anything teeth related, how do they get in contact with you? Um to uh is potentially come to Coral Dental. Yeah, um, just call my office.
Speaker 2:I've got amazing ladies that will hook you up. They will get you in. Um, I've been really busy. I'm very blessed to be very busy, but I have associate dentist that just joined us, so we are welcoming new patients at this point, whereas we weren't before. Um. So just just call one of our girls, um, charmaine, sherri, and these girls will take care of you. Um, or you can email us.
Speaker 1:Okay, perfect, and then, if anyone wants, to reach out for the support group or anything that you have going on with. That. That's great. How's the best way to get in contact?
Speaker 2:Yeah, they can email me, um at dentistcoraldentalbm. Um, and it comes directly to me, Perfect Um, and I'll be able to chat with them a bit and set up something. Perfect, support them. Yeah, I would love to do that Perfect.
Speaker 1:Thanks again, carmen. I appreciate you, um, for spending some time with me on the couch. Um and um, thank you again. Thank you so much for um being here today and I'm glad we finally got it locked down. Yes, me too. Perfect, all right guys. Thank you so much for spending some time with me today with the amazing Dr Carmen Rabain, who is the partner and owner of Coral Dental. Um, make sure you head over to her company's website If you want to. Uh, head over to Coral Dental to have anything done with your teeth and then, if you have any you know questions with for Carmen for any of the things that she spoke about on the podcast today, especially around um, the support group um that we mentioned, make sure you email her, as always. Thank you to our sponsors, brown and Co and 59 front. Please head over to 59 front for all of your needs and we look forward to seeing you again on our next episode of hustle her podcast.
