Hustle Her
Hustle Her
Hustle Her - Juanae
Join me for a heart-to-heart chat with Juanae Crockwell, the new executive director of the Women's Resource Center. We peel back the layers of her fascinating journey, from fun personal favorites to intense life challenges. We giggle over her skincare routine and celebrity crush, while also delving into the darker side of her past. A brush with the law, being led astray by an older boyfriend, and the struggle to rebuild her life, Juanae’s candor leaves us with an untamed narrative that is both inspiring and thought-provoking.
What happens when we face incompatibility in relationships, and how does one navigate co-parenting after separation? Posing these provocative questions, we journey through the turbulent waters of my personal experiences. From the grief of losing a loved one to the process of rebuilding a life post-trauma, the conversation takes an emotional turn. Together, Juanae and I underline the importance of prioritizing the needs of children and staying true to oneself, even when the circumstances are less than ideal.
As we shift gears, we turn our attention to the Women's Resource Center, discussing its role and influence on our lives. As Juanae, the new executive director, shares her insights, we explore the center's rebranding, her. Drawing on our personal experiences, we reflect on the influence they have on shaping our outlook towards life. This episode promises a blend of laughter, tears, healing, and resilience - a raw glimpse into real lives and the strength it takes to overcome adversity.
It's time for hustle her podcast. I'm your host, deshae Keynes. Hustle her is all about inspiring women through real life experiences that have helped to mold and develop not only me but my guests into the entrepreneurs and leaders we are today. If you're an enterprising woman determined to succeed and looking for a bit of motivation, a bit of tough love and some actionable takeaways to be the best you girl, you are in the right place. Hey guys, and welcome back to hustle her podcast. Thank you so much for spending some time with me today. As always, we want to give a big shout out to our season. For sponsors Brown and company, as well as 59 front, make sure you head over to the website hustle her podcastcom to sign up to be a VIP listener. You can also get some cool background information on the guests for today and you can also see the episodes. So you can also check all of that out over on the website hustle her podcastcom. So my next guest today is the newest executive director of the women's resource center. When they crock Well, how are?
Speaker 2:you, I am good. I am good, I'm happy to be here.
Speaker 1:I'm glad, I'm really glad that you're here and I'm glad. It's so nice when it's someone that you know you can get comfortable. Maybe just have a conversation, just have a chit chat, that's it Right, all the nerves is flying there. You go All right, okay. So I'm going to ask you a few questions. How about everyone to just get to know you a little bit better, and then we'll jump right in?
Speaker 2:All right, I am happiest when eating or traveling, or traveling, or traveling, but eating.
Speaker 1:Okay, that is relatable, though 100% relatable. Okay, tell me about your skincare routine.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I'm the worst.
Speaker 1:You have such good skin. It's beautiful.
Speaker 2:Thank you, it's genetics, but I literally just washed my face with like, like right now I'm using. Is it like Sarah? Sarah V Something like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love it, it's good.
Speaker 2:Yes, so somebody gave it to me and I've been using it and I like it Nice, and so I just wash and you know, sometimes I'll get a little fancy, use a little toner or something. Yeah, but that's pretty much it overall.
Speaker 1:Okay yeah, so are you a coffee drinker? I am definitely a coffee drinker what you go to coffee order Dirty chai latte. What's a dirty chai latte?
Speaker 2:It sounds really dirty, but it's it's so you have chai tea right, and a dirty chai latte is basically where you put a shot of espresso in the chai tea.
Speaker 1:I know chai tea is like a powder.
Speaker 2:They put it in.
Speaker 1:It's like they firm it up. I know that but I didn't know you could do that.
Speaker 2:I started drinking chai tea lattes in college because I wasn't a coffee drinker originally, right. And then, um yeah, somebody told me you should put a shot of espresso in it, and that's what got to be life changing. Life changing Love, a little coffee All right, all right.
Speaker 1:Who's your closest friend?
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness, try to get me in trouble. I okay, so I have lots of different friend groups, but I'm going to go with my closest, two friends who have been my best friends since Bermuda Institute.
Speaker 1:So that would be shout out to BI.
Speaker 2:The real BI. The real BI, that would be Christine June and Samantha Croccall.
Speaker 1:Oh, yes, they're all going to be yes, okay, and what does love feel like?
Speaker 2:Oh, that went deep. People always say that, and I'm like hmm, I know what I'm, what I've learned now Love feels safe and calming.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, all right. What are you listening to right now? Music wise, music wise.
Speaker 2:I am so stuck in the early 2000s I feel you on that. So, yeah, I will put on like a good throwback playlist. I'm like a Mariah Carey, alicia Keys. Do you try?
Speaker 1:to hit the notes.
Speaker 2:I definitely try to hit the notes. I'm a choir singer Me too. I'm a blender.
Speaker 1:That's what I call it. I'm a choir singer, but I am not a soloist In the shower.
Speaker 2:However, I am a performer there, you go, there you go.
Speaker 1:I'm okay with that. All right, what's a hidden talent?
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, a hidden talent, hidden talent. I don't hide much, so I'm trying to think Difficult, right? It's so funny because I tend to think that I'm not really like talented in, like the artistic way Me, though.
Speaker 1:I agree, I get that Right.
Speaker 2:I don't know. Okay, that's okay. Well, I don't know anything appropriate to say.
Speaker 1:Okay, that just took me out. Oh, my goodness, okay, celebrity crush.
Speaker 2:Idris Alba.
Speaker 1:Gotta love him. Love him Honestly we're going to have to do a poll on the IG page of whose people's celebrity crush is going to have to be typing who you want and Idris Alba.
Speaker 2:Because everybody loves Idris Alba.
Speaker 1:He is so handsome. They kind of spoiled it for me, though, so my aunt was on, and she said Idris right. But then someone was like wow, Wayne, looks like Idris.
Speaker 2:And I don't see it though, my uncle, I mean, I love Wayne.
Speaker 1:Right, so that's also my dad, so it's kind of gross now, so I can't enjoy it like I used to. I don't see it though.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't see it, though I mean your dad and your uncle are very handsome.
Speaker 1:All right, let's keep going. All right, all right, cool, all right. And then finally, who's your cart? Match team Summer sets. Praise the Lord, hallelujah.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:We'll continue Exactly there we go, all right. So tell me about young Wayne, like how were you growing up, young?
Speaker 2:Wayne, Um, young Wayne was Very creative, even though I just said that I don't feel like I have creative talents, because I really don't. I'm not artistic but I was creative in the sense that I was always creating something. Like I grew up kind of like an only child, even though I had two brothers and they were much older than me. So until they had children, it was just me. So I had imaginary friends and Barbie dolls.
Speaker 1:They were all your friends, they were all my friends.
Speaker 2:I was kind of sad and embarrassed. Yeah, that's only child life, but yeah, I was creative, I would just make my own fun, you know. And then I guess, as I got a little bit older I was a bit nerdy-ish, like I really loved school and reading and all that. What was your favorite subject in school? Favorite subject was history and English. Loved history and English.
Speaker 1:Mr.
Speaker 2:Hill. Oh my gosh, Mr Hill Love.
Speaker 1:Mr Hill, one of the greats, and Dr Douglas, my English teacher. Yeah, same, he was my English teacher as well. Yeah, he was really good. He actually did speech and debate for me and actually that's how I fell in love with speech and debate was because of Dr Douglas.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:But yeah, Okay. So what did you want to be though growing up?
Speaker 2:So I went back and forth between a teacher and a lawyer. So when I was little little it was a teacher, and once I had my nieces and nephews around right I would torture them by playing a teacher. And then as I got older, like high school it switched to lawyer. I even did, like my life skills, internship with your uncle At DPP yeah, at DPP and then when I went to uni kind of switched back to teacher. But I'm none of those things now.
Speaker 1:That's crazy. So walk me through how you ended up not going into teaching or into law, and now you're the executive director of the Women's Resource Center Right. So what?
Speaker 2:happened. Well, that's, it's a long story, but life happened. So, basically, when I went to school, I went to Newville College, which is a very unknown college, is an event to school in the UK. It's actually closed down now and I went there. Yeah, they closed down, which is sad, but I went there because my dad said I had to go to an event to school, not negotiate with he was paying.
Speaker 1:I get it.
Speaker 2:It had to be an event to school. I didn't want to go to Oakwood because my whole class was going to Oakwood and I love them. Shout out to class of 04. You guys were on PsyClass because you were. I wanted a little distance, so I chose from the courses that they actually had available. They didn't have like lots of stuff. And so I chose a BA in humanities, which was history and literature, and I didn't really know what I was going to do with it, but I just knew I loved history and literature. So if I'm going to study for four years I might as well do something that I love. And then I figured the only thing I could do with that was teach. And so when I graduated that was the plan I was going to go get a postgraduate diploma for teaching.
Speaker 2:But life happened and my guess will probably get into that a little bit more. Life happened and I actually dropped out of my master's degree program, had to come back to Bermuda, got pregnant with my first son and I had to work. So it was less about what I wanted to do, what my dreams were, and more about providing and growing up really. And so I kind of stumbled into administration work. So I worked at the Department of Community and Cultural Affairs still within my passion history, culture, all of that but I was more like admin support and yeah. So I spent a good 10 years working in admin and then, like I said, we'll get into it more later, but through that time period I became involved in a lot of social activism, really interested in the third sector. So I went back to school, got a master's in community development and that's how I ended up in our profit.
Speaker 1:I didn't realize. You went back to school, to do that, and at that time you had more than one father. Yeah, at that time.
Speaker 2:I had three sons, so I have a 12-year-old and nine-year-old twins, and so I started in 2019, and the program was distance learning. Just difficult, yeah, but you had to show up for intensive classes each semester, so I would fly back and forth every semester to the UK, and then the pandemic happened, so I actually finished my master's in the pandemic while homeschooling my three kids. I don't even know how I did it.
Speaker 1:I was going to ask, like how, that doesn't even sound possible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know how I wrote a dissertation with three kids.
Speaker 1:I suppose so awesome about women, though, like quick pause, like that's like a serious woman thing to do is to have three children be in school pretty much full time, and you're not only having the three children, but we're in the middle of a pandemic. And then you're homeschooling three children like not a properly professional trained teacher.
Speaker 2:Not at all.
Speaker 1:And then you're also doing your own master's degree.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I insane, but you got it done. I got it done, I got it done and I think that's probably one of the things I'm most proud of. Like, at first it was a bit embarrassing because, you know, when you grow up in an event as community, education is important, so the fact that I dropped out was not something I was proud of, you know. So going back was always like a thing, like it was always in the back of my mind, you know, and so to be able to go back and complete it, it was like, yeah, I did it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely no, I got it. And I think that the additional pressure in the event, as community, when it comes to those things, it's not just on you, it's also on your family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1:And it's just like a sense of shame, in a sense, when certain things like that happen. So going back is kind of like it's for you, but it's also like for your community yeah, it's for my community, and you know my community, bi, southampton Church.
Speaker 2:My parents, my family they poured so much love into me during that time. I felt like not only did I owe it to myself, but I owed it to them to realize my full potential. You know it's amazing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you spoke about you brought it up earlier about you know, life started life right, life was life I. Someone needs to coin that and, like I know, make it a proper turn. Somebody needs to be making money off of that right, yeah somebody. So in your bio you speak about you know dealing with, you know some of the worst times in your life, darkest times in your life, with abuse and addiction and those types of things Like walk me through where the kind of that, the genesis of that, like how did that?
Speaker 1:all start.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how did that all start? So I was away in school at New World After my first year, my freshman year. I came back home for the summer and I met this wonderful man right.
Speaker 1:How does it always start with?
Speaker 2:a man, you know, and he was much older than me, significantly older than me. And you know, my friends and I we joke all the time about how I've always like been attracted to older men. I don't know if it's because, like, my brothers were older not blaming them or anything, but just having older men around just made it easy. So, anyway, I met this older guy and we started dating. I didn't know anything about him because I was a relatively sheltered, you know, christian girl, and so I met this guy and I'm trying to I'm trying to say this without like really bashing him, because he's really done a lot of work to change his life too, and I respect that. But at that time, you know, he was a drug addict, drug dealer, criminal, in and out of prison. But I didn't know that, I didn't know anything about his past reputation, you know, and so that naivety allowed me to kind of see things about him that I probably would never saw if I knew anything about it.
Speaker 1:I think they'd like to see Reflex now, yeah, yeah and see the Reflex.
Speaker 2:I didn't see any of that, you know, and it was exciting and completely different from anything I had ever experienced. You know, hanging out clubs, the street life. You know not having to pay to go in a club, drinks just being thrown at you, like I felt, like I had arrived, you know, and so I threw myself into that relationship. And only enough. You talked about how it's crazy, how women are able to do things under, you know, extenuating circumstances. Brasher, in this relationship, you know, I would come home for all my breaks Christmas, summer, sometimes fall breaks or whatever and I would be with him running the streets like drugs, alcohol, whatever, running the streets, and then I'll get on the plane and I'll go back to Newbold and like, live a totally double life, like you know, student Association president.
Speaker 1:you know, like just and Newbold is not a huge college either. No, super tiny I was small and super adventurous, yeah super tiny and yeah.
Speaker 2:So I lived this double life for three years until I graduated from Newbold, and then when I graduated I was back in Bermuda kind of contemplating on what I was gonna do next and really, if I wasn't in the relationship I would have just went straight on to my masters, right.
Speaker 1:But I was in love, but we're in love. I just want to say now but we're in love, we just do everything.
Speaker 2:I was in love and you know he had introduced me to, like I said, a life that I had never experienced, that fast pace life, you know, and I liked it. I liked it a lot, and so I feel like, in a lot of ways, I chose to abandon all the principles and values that I was raised with to pursue this life with someone that was living something totally different, you know. But unfortunately, through all of that, you know, he introduced me to drugs. He was abusive, not physically, but mentally, emotionally, a lot of like coercive control, and so that broke me down, like that broke me down, and I became completely dependent on him. You know, like he became the center of my world and you know, it all came to a head when he committed a crime and I was aware of the crime but I did not Like when the police questioned me, I, you know, I was held what I knew, and so in doing so, I became a co-conspirator in that, because I was aware of the crime before it happened, not just aware after it happened. I was aware that this was what he was planning to do before it happened, and so I was charged with conspiracy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's what I say life-lifed, that was life-lifing, where I had to drop out of school because I actually did go back, yeah, to school. The relationship was such where it was like he was in and out of jail, so he ended up going back to prison and I saw that as an opportunity to go back to school, which is so crazy, like just the polar opposite. You know, lives that we lived, you know. So he went back to prison, I went back to school and then when I came home for Christmas break in 2008, I was charged with conspiracy and so I couldn't finish. I had to drop out, you know, I had to surrender my passport, all of that, and I was on bail for, oh my goodness, I was on bail for almost 18 months Just waiting to find out what happened.
Speaker 2:During that time period he was flown off to the UK, you know, started a whole new life and I just was left to kind of hold back right and in the end I played guilty because you know my dad and you know my dad recently passed away. But my dad, he said, if you want my support, you have to do the right thing. Like I have your back. I love you, I'm not gonna abandon you. This doesn't change anything, but you have to do the right thing. So if you're guilty, you need to go and you need to earn that, and that's what I did, wow.
Speaker 1:That's a crazy level of support, though, right. Like most people think like if your parents especially right like there's gonna be there or they're gonna shun you right Right. And not be a part of it. You have that support, but it's not conditional support but, like you're gonna do the right thing if this support is what I'm gonna give you. Like, yes, you did something wrong, but you're gonna have to earn up to it. That's, it's amazing, though.
Speaker 2:Right, it's an unconditional condo. That's yeah, it's unconditional, and it was like it was a kind of love and support where he wasn't worried about what other people thought. You know, because I probably could have beat the case, maybe I don't know Right, but he knew that I think he was more concerned with, like, my salvation.
Speaker 1:I was gonna say like so you know my soul.
Speaker 2:And his thing was like I don't care what anybody thinks or says about you, I just want you to do the next right thing. You know, and that's probably one of the greatest lessons I have learned in my life is that you can make a million mistakes, but you always have another choice and you get to choose. Are you gonna keep making mistakes, are you gonna keep doing the wrong thing, or are you gonna make a different choice? And my daddy and my whole family speaking specifically about my dad, but my whole family was super supportive and they gave me the space to be able to make the next right choice, and that's kind of, I guess, where my life started to turn around.
Speaker 1:So in that process of you, you know, pleading guilty, taking ownership, for that's essentially what it is right. Yeah, Like in what went wrong, essentially, Like, how do you work through that? Like even when your dad's like I'm gonna support you, but you're gonna have to earn up to that?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like that comes with a different level of a lot of different things right. I'm assuming, and this is my assumption and please, you know, correct me if I'm wrong. So shame, definitely, right, immediately. What else comes along with that?
Speaker 2:I think shame's the biggest one. Regret, you know, just looking back and seeing moments where I could have made a different choice and had a completely different outcome, and just wishin' that I could go back right. So a lot of shame, a lot of regret but, ironically, a lot of hope. There's a level of freedom that comes when you just let it out Like I didn't have to keep lying and pretending and it's like oh my God, yeah, it's a mess, I messed up really bad, and just to be able to like say that it gave me freedom. You know, and you know, I guess people will have different feelings, like people who've been through that experience will have different feelings about it, but for me it was like okay, I got a clean slate. You know I was blessed, I didn't have to go to prison. You know I was given a suspended sentence, so I basically just had to stay out of trouble.
Speaker 1:I didn't realize that suspended sentence is pretty specific to British law and like what we practice in Burmese, because a lot of Americans don't know what that means. Yeah, so yeah, I'm glad you said what it is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so basically, I guess for viewers' benefit. A suspended sentence is basically where you're sentenced and you have a criminal record. So I have a criminal record, but the sentence is suspended for a period of time as long as you don't reoffend in that period of time. So I was sentenced to one year in prison, but it was suspended for two years, so I had to not get in trouble for two years. If I would have gotten in trouble I would have had to go do that year plus whatever Gotcha.
Speaker 2:The offense was yeah and so I'm really, really grateful. I mean, what some people don't know, even though it was reported in the newspaper, I was actually pregnant with my first son when I was sentenced. So that morning, driving to court because I knew that I was going to be sentenced like pled guilty, so I was going for sentencing, it wasn't a question. And I remember that morning like calling someone, like friends, and telling them like you know, I don't know what's going to happen, but don't come visit me at Co-Ed, like I'll write you a letter, so dramatic. And I remember driving and my mom was concerned because I have really sensitive skin like so I can't use regular body wash, and she was worried, like about whether they would have body wash.
Speaker 2:The things that moms think of right, you know we would drive into the court and I'm in the back like I'm pregnant in life, right, like I'm going to have to break you some. At the time I was using Johnson and Johnson on lavender baby wash because that was the only thing that like was okay for me and yeah, she was worried about having to stop it all Making sure that you know I what I needed, you know, but I was pregnant.
Speaker 2:I was pregnant with Skylar and did everybody know like my family knew Okay, yeah, my family knew, of course, and actually my lawyer he mentioned it in his, you know, her name was Colby, like his closing arguments or whatever and I think the judge did take that into consideration. And also, like you know, outside of that experience, I was like a model young woman. You know what I mean. So I guess she took all of that into consideration and I'll never forget, like when she told me to stand up it was Charles Satter she told me to stand up and she said, you know, taking everything into consideration, I sent you to one year. And then she paused and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to jail, right, like I'm going to jail. And then she said, suspended for two years and like my whole, like talk about waiting to exhale.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And you're pregnant, right? So you're thinking, man, I'm gonna have to have my baby, I'm gonna have to have my baby in prison.
Speaker 2:Am I going to be able to keep my baby? Like what's going to happen, like what's going to happen, and so I walked out of that courtroom and I was surrounded by love. You know my brothers, my parents, my pastor, you know they hugged me and we prayed and that was the beginning of a new life for me. You know I'm actually getting a little emotional Cause I haven't told that part often, but yeah.
Speaker 1:So in that moment, right, and you're thinking about it and she's saying all the things you knew, you, you owned up to it, you knew what you were going into in there to essentially not knowing what was going to happen, right, what was outside of, obviously, prison? What was the biggest fear in that moment?
Speaker 2:But I would never fulfill any of my dreams. You know that, like this was, this was it for me. You know I was 23. So young, you know, full, full of potential and talent, and I think my biggest fear was like this, is it? Like this would define me? I would always be defined by this choice.
Speaker 1:Wow, and I mean obviously we know that now and that's not the case.
Speaker 2:So that's you know, let's lift it a little bit.
Speaker 1:No, but seriously, I think that's a real thing. Like we, we don't realize people go through real stuff, right. Through real stuff, yeah, and we just think life and sometimes we get so caught up in what's going on with us we never take into account, like, what someone else is going through to get them to where they are today Right. So, when you think of that timeframe and everything that you were going through and the gentleman who was in your life at the time, do you, do you harbor any resent for him?
Speaker 2:Not now for many years.
Speaker 1:Resentment. Excuse me, yeah, Not not anymore.
Speaker 2:I was very resentful for many years. You know, um, I wish I never met him. You know why didn't I listen to people? Because everybody was trying was trying to get me to come to my senses, yeah, and I had lots of opportunities to make a different choice. So I was very, very resentful for a long time. But somewhere along the way, um, with the help of of mentorship, you know, I had an amazing mentor, um during that time. Her name's Rachel Bailey, bermudian woman. Um, you know, um, through working with her, I realized that, like, the only person I should really be upset with is myself, you know, and that's hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's really hard that. Taking that ownership is difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's really hard, and so it took years to work through that and come to a place of like forgiving myself for that, and once I was able to do that I wasn't so mad at him anymore. You know, and, like I said earlier, you know he's going on to, you know, rehabilitate himself. He's been clean for, oh my gosh, I don't even know how many years probably 15 or more years. He's living a totally productive life in the UK and I'm happy for him. I'm grateful that both of us that Gaw gave both of us that opportunity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you think that if it wasn't for this, you would have gone, continue to go down that path? Which path With you know, with being with him and him going in and out of jail, the drug dealing, those types of things? Quite possibly because I was like 10-tos down like ride or die, running and climb.
Speaker 2:Like yeah, I don't know, I would like to think I would, I hope that you know, something would have happened that would have made me kind of realize what I was doing. But I'm just grateful that what happened happened because all the what ifs you know are just literally what ifs right. So I quite possibly may have you know, and a lot of times I think, if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with my son, would I have continued to use drugs.
Speaker 2:You know, because that's really what initially made me stop, stop Caught you. You know, because he wasn't here anymore. So every now and then I just made the choice to do it on my own. You know, like Because there's that addiction at that point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, and I got pregnant with Skylar and just felt like, you know, this isn't what I want for him, you know. And so I don't know, I don't know what would have happened if those things didn't occur but I'm grateful, absolutely being very grateful, for that.
Speaker 1:Okay, so all of this is half.
Speaker 2:This was in, like you said so this was in two, so I was sentenced in 2010.
Speaker 1:So like once I know it's earlier in the year.
Speaker 2:It was in September.
Speaker 1:Okay, wow, okay. So you that happens, you get the suspended sentence. It's amazing.
Speaker 2:You're essentially kind of lifted off your shoulders because you know you can do right Right. You know you are not going to get into trouble.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to get in trouble and I think yeah you know, like you go back to your roots at that point.
Speaker 2:Right. Exactly Like I was, I was scared, so it was time to straighten out straight.
Speaker 1:I got it though Right. There's nothing like that to you know. Put you back on the straight and narrow. So what did you decide to do at that point? To take this moment to, to change your life.
Speaker 2:Right. So thankfully I had already finished my bachelor's right, so I had a degree Right and at first I just did little odd jobs Like um. I always tell this story where I used to work on a coffee truck. There was a coffee truck called Planet Coffee and it was a little red.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2:And so I didn't. I didn't have a job right Because even when I was on bail I had little jobs and I won't name the establishments. But once they found out I was on bail, it was like, okay, and so I had a bachelor's degree but I couldn't get a job Right. And, um, somehow, at like a random event this was after my son was born this coffee truck was there and I ended up talking to the guy who earned it and he was like well, actually I'm looking for someone to work it during the week, you know, because he had like a regular nine to five. And so he hired me for $10 an hour to make in Bermuda, $10 an hour, um, to make coffee on the coffee truck at Barnes Corner.
Speaker 2:And I lived really close to Barnes Corner, like I could walk to Barnes Corner, so I would get up at 530 and walk. Well, I would leave him at 530, walk to Barnes Corner in the dark, he would meet me there with his little coffee truck and then I would set it up and, you know, serve people their coffee while they were driving to work and then drive this little clown car thing to town, drop him his truck, and I don't know how I got back. Can't remember Right.
Speaker 2:This was every day. Yeah, every morning. That's what I would do.
Speaker 1:Was that humbling for you? Like I would bust at my tail for this degree and I'm here serving coffee.
Speaker 2:Deeply humbling. It was humbling and of course there were moments of embarrassment. You know what I mean when people would come up to the to get their coffee and it's like what?
Speaker 2:are you doing here, and full transparency. I didn't even know how to make coffee very well, so I apologize to anyone. That's the best part of that whole story. Okay, that's the best part. I apologize to anyone who asked for like a cappuccino or something, because if it wasn't black coffee with like sugar and milk, so my man hired you and did not do a liquor training Liquor training. I mean he showed me how to use the thing, but that was it?
Speaker 1:You know you needed that, you needed that opportunity.
Speaker 2:I needed it, and you know back then it was $10 an hour, which worked out to be like maybe 30 or $40 a day. Can't remember how many hours I did, but that was able to buy diapers and all the things that I needed for my son. I was still living at home and my dad would have supported me and my son with all questions, but I felt like after everything I had put that man through. I'm going to go work on this coffee truck so that I can take care of my child, and that's what I did. And while working on the coffee truck, this opportunity came just randomly or maybe not randomly. It was a program called the Try 30 program and it was offered by government. It only ever ran once. It was like a pilot and it was for young adults who were unemployed and I had filled out the unemployment register you know, like a good Bermudian, you know.
Speaker 2:And they picked me and so they placed me at the Department of Community and Cultural Affairs in the community education department doing admin work. And while I was there they realized like you're really smart and talented, you've got a brain and we can do more. So the program was supposed to be like three months, but I ended up working at the department for two years.
Speaker 1:Talk about full circle? Because didn't you work there before?
Speaker 2:Well, this was when I started working there.
Speaker 1:This is how I ended up getting there, and you had, you know, the interest in history anyway, so that was very helpful during that time, during that time.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I worked there for two years and I probably would have stayed there, but at the time government had a hiring freeze so they couldn't actually give me a post with benefits and all of that. So you know, over the two years I got married, I got pregnant with my twins and you know, I came to the decision that I needed to find something that actually had benefits, health care, all of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, those things are important. Yeah, very expensive so you got to make sure you, you know, keep all those things together. So when you talk about, you know everything. That and this was all within like what? Two to three years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I got married in 2010, sentenced, 2011,. Had my son the timeline's crazy. 2011,. Had my son. 2012, I got married. 2014,. I had my twins. And then, just to throw a little razzle dazzle in there, 2016, I was divorced. Yeah, and so it was a. It was a lot, you know, that happened in a short span of time, but I survived it. You survived it and you're flourishing, right. Yeah, very fortunate.
Speaker 1:But how was divorce for you? Like what, what was. How did you feel during that time?
Speaker 2:It felt like another failure. You know, a lot of the reason why I got married was because I had messed up so bad and I felt like, okay, well, if I get married and settle down and go back to church, you know, everyone would think I'm cool, I'm good. And so, you know, I was dating this man, again older than me, much older than me. He loved me, he loved my son, and so I was like this makes sense, yeah, get married. And you know just, it wasn't about living happily ever after. It was about being stable and doing the right thing and doing what I felt was the right thing.
Speaker 2:But as I continued working on myself, you know, and being in therapy and just unearthing all the stuff that was going on within me, I realized that we were not compatible. This wasn't a great alignment, you know. It wasn't a horrible marriage, but did I want to be in that marriage for 40, 50 years? No, really, you know. And so I made the hard decision. We made the hard decision because our twins were only one, you know. So we made the decision that this just wasn't.
Speaker 1:So how does that work? Right Like you're with someone and you realized you're like to your point, you're not compatible, but nothing's happened right Like I feel, like we have. We see that a lot more with women who are like this isn't working and the person is great, you know, in their own right. There's nothing, but nothing happened, like. How do you choose to walk away at that point in time? What is the kind of who do you put first in that situation?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a really good question. I mean, for me, with my situation, like there wasn't anything horribly wrong, but there were little things that were very uncomfortable and I felt like I couldn't be my authentic self. And so it came to a point where I was forced to make that choice because I couldn't hide my authentic self, you know and to his defense he didn't. You know, I portrayed something that I probably wasn't. You know, I at the time was conservative and, you know, nice wifey, you know, material, I guess I don't know and that's what he married.
Speaker 2:And then, over the years that we were together, I couldn't maintain that Like I'm ambitious and career-driven and you know I don't want to just stay home and make sure that dinner is cooked and your clothes are clean and the house is clean, and I just felt like he wasn't in a place where he could support that, you know.
Speaker 2:And there were other things as well, you know a little bit more personal things, that we just were not compatible with. And so at the end of the day, it was so hard to just keep going through that every day. And you know, one day it just happened to be Mother's Day and I was at the spa. He sent me to the spa for Mother's Day and I just sent him a text and I was just like every part of my life brings me joy, but this, you know, and that was the beginning of us just, and we had gone to counseling like we had done all the things you do the work. Yeah, you know, we was going to church, like everything you know, and we just agreed that we probably should have stayed friends. But in the end we have our beautiful kids and he's an amazing co-parent, even for my oldest son, who's not his biologically. He has been his dad too and still is, you know.
Speaker 1:That's amazing, I think, when you get with good people, regardless of the compatibility of it being able to co-parent and, you know, especially when you have children involved in the situation is great right. It's something that you can. It kind of warms your heart, because sometimes people's disdain for their ex actually prevents them from working together for the kids.
Speaker 2:And I see that a lot obviously in the work that I do. You know, and at the end of the day you want to put the kids well being first. You know you don't want to be in an unsafe situation or an abusive situation, but wherever possible you want to think what is the best scenario for my children and we found an amazing balance. You know the kids are with him right now. You know, and you know he still gets on my nerves but at the end of the day, at the end of the day, we do whatever is necessary for our kids, you know.
Speaker 1:So in your life right and just reading your bio, also knowing you as well, you've also experienced some significant loss and you've mentioned recently losing your father, but previously that you also lost your brother. Like, how have you been dealing with that grief?
Speaker 2:Well, in all honesty, when I lost my brother in 2017, I did not deal with it very well. It was a very public death and so I didn't have space to deal with it very well, and so I kind of returned to some habits that were not helpful. You know, drinking a lot. You know Never returned to drugs, but, yeah, alcohol, wine every night was like my thing. Put the kids to bed and I'll have some wine and I ate. Like I'm an emotional consumer. So that could be food, alcohol, it could be clothes shopping, whatever right.
Speaker 2:And so that's how I coped for like the first six months after losing Sean. And then I realized like he wouldn't want this for me, like I fought way too hard to come out of that dark space of depression and he would not want his death to be what sends me back. And so that was actually the beginning of like a really intentional healing and spiritual journey, not just for the loss of him, but for everything I had been through, because, you know, I was so focused on rebuilding my life that I didn't always take time to like pour into myself and recover. It was like, okay, I gotta do what's next? I gotta get married.
Speaker 2:I gotta get a job I gotta do that, and so when he died, it was like everything stopped and I was able to do that work that was really required and that I guess that kind of that experience prepared me for losing my father, because you know, when you lose someone suddenly it's not the same as if they're sick or they're older.
Speaker 1:It's best that you can, yeah.
Speaker 2:You know. And so it lost my brother, like completely suddenly, and I don't know if there's a pain that is greater than that. So when my dad passed, you know I had time I had years of him being unwell to prepare for that loss, even though you can never really fully be prepared. But I know that for the last five, six years of his life I showed up as like the absolute best daughter that I could be, because I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming right. So that helped. You know, the experience losing my brother helped me to live so much more intentionally that when I lost my dad there was a peace that came with that you know, and how do you as a family kind of stay together after that?
Speaker 1:right, you have tragedy and loss and then you have a bit more. You know it's coming loss but then you also because during the time of your brother's death, you were also, like, the spokesperson for your family as well right. You were like the, you know, we like to say the family manager you know what I mean At that time. So that's also an additional weight. Like how do you guys stay together as a family during that?
Speaker 2:Thankfully, we were always a close family so we always came together for, you know, every single birthday, you know Christmas, all of that. We've always supported each other. So it was natural to just, you know, fall in line and continue to support each other. And then, with my dad, you know, because he was sick, we all kind of played a role in, I guess, just making the last few years of his life good you know my mom.
Speaker 2:She quit working and took care of my dad. My nephew took over my dad's business. You know, I was like the daughter, slash caregiver, slash manager of the things. You know my niece at one point she came in and was his caregiver. So we all, just you know that's just what we do. You know it's just what we do and I'm so grateful to be from a family like that, you know. And so the same way they rallied to support me in my lowest moments, we do the same thing for each other, like that's what we do.
Speaker 1:Definitely I can memorize the name of that 100% the family aspect of it. And at your core. Like those values, never leave you.
Speaker 2:They never leave.
Speaker 1:And you always come together in the best times for that. But, given essentially everything that you've been through, right, how much of everything that you've been through have prepared you for your current role?
Speaker 2:100% like I chuckle all the time. I'm like, okay, god, I get it. So you wanted me to go through every single thing possible so that when these women walk into my office, I am speaking from a place of complete understanding and non-judgment and relatability. And then also I have a story of hope that I can give them. I don't you know and this is no offense to any one who is in this profession, but I don't just have the textbook answer for them what you're supposed to say. I'm actually a living, breathing, walking example that you can 100% change your life, like it's 100% possible.
Speaker 1:And I think that's the key right, like that's the missing key. Like sometimes we have people in positions that do well the text looks out of it and are very good at their jobs, but very rarely it's difficult not to be able to relate and sometimes, especially when people are in the lowest point, it's like okay, yeah, pull your socks up, you can do it. Rah, rah, rah. But, there's a difference to someone saying no, I know where you've been before.
Speaker 2:I literally know how hard it is to overcome an addiction. I know how hard it is to be a single mom. I know how hard it is to leave a relationship, but I also know that the strength that's required to carry me through those hard situations is still there to elevate me to the next thing, you know. So you have to draw on that strength. Like you know a lot of women, we go through things and the world tends to look down on us because of the things that we've been through. But it takes a really, really strong woman to go through abuse and still be there and still be willing to get up every day and fight, you know, or go through loss, significant loss, or even making massive mistakes that end up on the front page of the newspaper right. To be able to go through that and still get up and like, keep going is incredible. It's like it's-.
Speaker 1:It's a superpower 100%. You know, yeah, and then when you look at it from that angle, and then you couple in having children, right.
Speaker 1:And having to show up for them as well, like you have three boys that you have to show up for every single day and you know with the women that you help at the Women's Resource Center I'm sure a lot of them also have children too right? So I think coupling all that together like we do some amazing things as women, that's the first thing right, and then everything that you kind of pour into these women, like how receptive are they?
Speaker 2:I think they're very receptive. I mean, a lot of them don't know my journey right, and I have to remind myself. It has been enough time where some people just don't know. I think that everybody knows because obviously you felt like that.
Speaker 2:I felt like that I mean it was literally on the front page of these. They were. But I've done so much other things since then that people don't always either remember or they just never knew, and so sometimes I have to tell them, like listen, you know, I'm not just sitting here in this seat telling you things that I think you want to hear, like you know, and it shouldn't be about me but sometimes there are opportunities to really inspire someone by sharing that personal story?
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, and I think also, you know we always say you go through everything happens for a reason, right, and I think this new role that you're in is the literal kind of definition of that right Because it allows you to pour into people from a personal experience, but then you also go back to school to be able to apply that knowledge into a way that can expand and do all of that right, so I think it's pretty amazing.
Speaker 1:I think so too. I think you're pretty great. No, it's crazy because I have so much more to talk to you about, but we're not in time bro it's crazy, I told you. It always happens Like you just look up and then it's like oh wow, 45 minutes gone, done and dusted.
Speaker 1:But no, I think we could definitely expand on this more you know, going forward and I definitely want to have an additional conversation with you, but for purposes of time and here on the podcast today like what are some things that you know, given everything that you've been through right and everything that you've learned and things that you're going to continue to doing? What is something that you want to be remembered for, like when you, you know, are old and gray and you know you've retired and you know everything that you can look back on now and where you currently sit. What do you want to be remembered for?
Speaker 2:I want to be remembered for creating safe spaces for women to be their most authentic self and be able to create a life beyond their wildest dreams. That's what I want to be remembered for. You know I feel like it sounds cliche, but I want to be remembered for making people feel safe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, amazing, I love that. Yes, that's good. Okay, so let's give the listeners some ways to get in contact with each other At the Women's Resource Center. That's the first thing. So let's talk about how, if someone wants to get in contact with you or the Women's Resource Center, how can they do that?
Speaker 2:Sure, so at the Women's Resource Center you can contact us obviously by giving us a call 295-3882, but our website is wwwwrcbramudacom. And just really quick, I just want to say that the Women's Resource Center, we've recently rebranded, so we have a host of programs and services, not just for women who might find themselves in a rough situation. We have empowerment programs and services and education and all of that. So if that's something that you think you might benefit from, just head over to our website.
Speaker 1:Okay, perfect. And also you have a blog and a podcast that you have as well, so tell me a bit about that.
Speaker 2:So A Little Girl Grows Up. That's my Instagram handle. It started as a blog like a traditional write blog, but now it's more like when I feel the inspiration. I hop on stories and just share whatever. It's not structured, it's very authentic, but if that's your thing, you can follow me there.
Speaker 1:And check it out. Check it out when the spirit moves. There you go. Well, thank you so much, Renee, for joining me today. I really appreciate it and I'm confident that your story will touch someone, and that's why I want thank you for trusting me to share that here today.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:Yes, all right, guys. We just had an amazing episode with Renee Crocker. She is also the new executive director of the Women's Resource Center. Make sure you head over to the website to learn about all the amazing new programs they have from their new rebrand, as well as give them a call if you just want to find it out that way as well. Also, follow Renee on Instagram. A little girl grows up. You can learn more about her and anything that kind of hits her spirit that day that she wants to share with you you can find on her Instagram channel.
Speaker 1:As always, head over to our website, hustleherpodcastcom, where you can sign up to be a VIP listener as well as catch up on all the other episodes. You can also see our new blog that we've launched, where you can comment on today's episode and let me know what you think. As also, we have merch guys. We have some new hats in stock. We have the mustard ones, we also have the black ones, and we'll have some sweatshirts that are coming out. All of that can be found on the website. So, as always, thank you for spending some time with me today and for watching Hustle Her Podcast.
