Hustle Her
Hustle Her
Hustle Her - Dad (Dwayne)
What does it take to transition from a protective parent to a supportive mentor? Join us on this special Father's Day edition of Hustle Her, where I sit down with my father, Dwayne Caines, the CEO of The City of Hamilton, for an intimate and enlightening conversation. We share family traditions like celebrating Cup Match in Somerset and recount our unforgettable trip to Colombia. My dad, a night owl and lover of Jamaican cuisine, opens up about his daily routines and the inspiring figures that have shaped his life, while describing each of his daughters with just one word each: tenacious, compassionate, and passionate.
Together, we explore the complexities of parenting, particularly the intricacies of co-parenting and blended families. My father reflects on his upbringing and the influence of having ambitious friends and strict yet loving parents. We dive into the emotional challenges and rewards of raising children in different circumstances and stages of life, emphasizing the importance of honesty, unconditional love, and putting the child's well-being first. His heartfelt anecdotes about navigating co-parenting decisions highlight the significance of mutual respect and the positive outcomes that can arise from non-traditional family structures.
As we continue, the conversation shifts to the evolving dynamics between a father and his growing children. From discussing the transition of roles as children reach adulthood to the lasting impact of childhood experiences, we underscore the importance of effective communication and understanding. My dad also shares his thoughts on the unique challenges men face in fatherhood and the critical need for a supportive village. This episode is a heartfelt celebration of fatherhood, filled with reflections, lessons, and the enduring bond between a father and his daughters.
I'm a hustler baby. It's time for Hustle Her podcast. I'm your host, deshae Caines. Hustle Her is all about inspiring women through real life experiences that have helped to mold and develop not only me, of motivation, a bit of tough love and some actionable takeaways to be the best. You, girl, you are in the right place.
Speaker 1:Hey guys, and welcome back to Hustle Heart Podcast. As always, thank you for spending some time with me today. I really appreciate it. Big shout out to the Women's Resource Center for partnering with us for these next few episodes. Make sure you guys head over to their website so you can learn more about all the amazing services that they provide. Also, welcome back to our partners, brown Company as well as 59 Front. Make sure you follow us on Instagram to see the amazing things that we have coming with 59 Front and Brown Company.
Speaker 1:Guys, if you're watching this on YouTube, make sure you like and subscribe the channel so you can stay up to date with all the new episodes that we have coming. Make sure you head over to the website hustleherpodcastcom to be able to sign up to be a VIP listener so you can get all of our episodes ahead of time, as well as some amazing giveaways we have from some of our sponsors. So today means a lot more to me than most episodes. I always get asked all the time when are you going to have a man on the podcast? When is there going to be a man? We need some male perspectives on the podcast and I always told people that the first guest would always be my dad. So in honor of Father's Day, coming up on June 15th, this year, I have my amazing father, dwayne Keynes, the CEO of the city of Hamilton, here in Bermuda, as my first guest. Hi, jody.
Speaker 2:Hey Shayski, how are you doing?
Speaker 1:I'm good, how are you?
Speaker 2:I'm good, you know, a little nervous. I don't know why, but I'm happy to be here, nervous, nervous.
Speaker 1:It just makes me nervous to hear you say that.
Speaker 2:I mean, you've been on TV all the time for a really long time remember it's a vulnerability of it all, but I'm actually looking forward to it and I'm just so proud of you, seeing you in your element. It's actually really, really special to be on this side watching you in your essence, doing your thing really so I have a ground rule.
Speaker 1:Are you ready? This is my show, my podcast jay, this is my show.
Speaker 2:I am the boss of you, so do not tell me whose show it is.
Speaker 1:When I just have to remind you when I'm here, you're secondary no, this is my podcast. I just need to set the ground rules here that you can't take over in this environment, okay you'll see okay, so you watch my podcast so you know we start off with some amazing rapid fire questions. Obviously, this is focused around Father's Day and families and you being a girl dad, so we'll jump right in.
Speaker 2:Ready.
Speaker 1:All right, tell me your favorite family tradition.
Speaker 2:I have a new one that we just started. It's Cup Match in Somerset. I love getting the camp ready, getting everybody up to the field enjoying the day, but I also like Christmas. Christmas is also really special absolutely so.
Speaker 1:What about your most memorable family vacation with us?
Speaker 2:my most memorable family vacation ironic is recently I took the girls, my daughters, my wife. We went away to columbia the first time I engaged with you all as adults and we had the good, the bad and the ugly, but certainly you'll be a memorable trip yeah, we learned a lot.
Speaker 1:No, it was a lot of fun. Colombia was a lot of fun and I think when we went to a few different places in colombia as well, we got to see different parts of colombia and that was really cool to witness together as a family? Are you a morning person or night owl? Night owl 100 totally agree, coffee or tea um coffee okay, and what's one word you would describe each of your daughters?
Speaker 2:Oh, very good, Dishay Tenacious.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Dacia Compassionate.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Adoree Passionate.
Speaker 1:Okay, go-to comfort food.
Speaker 2:Actually Jamaican food. I I knew you're gonna say that for me it's actually cory goat rice, anything in that family um cory goat and rice, rice and peas.
Speaker 1:That that's my space okay, your most inspirational historic figure that's a very good one um why do you sound surprised?
Speaker 2:my most inspirational historical figure. It sounds corny, but um, it's two. It's two people that come to mind historical. The phrase kind of scares me, but my mother is the most significant person in my life in terms of inspiration and as a young man I was fascinated by three individuals I know, you said one was marcus garvey, malcolm max and mon luther king okay, I'm not surprised by any of those.
Speaker 1:Okay, and what's your favorite hobby? Past, because I know you're getting a little old. So I mean currently and past.
Speaker 2:Well, my favorite hobby before injury set in was a volleyball. Everybody knows I've played volleyball for 35 years. I think one of my favorite moments is when you started to play volleyball, even though you were not a very good volleyball player.
Speaker 1:You couldn't help yourself.
Speaker 2:And we were on the same team and I was really bothered by your skill level and having to motivate you and actually deal with you on a volleyball court. One of my most favorite memories is actually getting to the point where you and I played on the same team and now it's actually boating. That's actually given me a significant sense of peace.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And then finally, finally, what's your favorite thing about being a dad? Um, that's a. That's an interesting one. My favorite thing about being a dad is watching my daughters come into their own, be passionate, be strong and be, and they their compassion that they have towards their fellow men and women okay, so obviously this is going to release on well, a little bit before Father's Day, and obviously we want to talk about your journey becoming a father.
Speaker 1:So I was brought into this world when you were 18. Walk me through what that was like for you as an 18 year old father.
Speaker 2:It was nerve wracking, as you can imagine. I went off to university and when I went to university you go off with the hopes and the ambitions of actually coming back to Bermuda and making a difference. My mom and dad were very clear. My girlfriend at the time was Chevelle Burch, your mom and they were like listen, don't go to the same school. They believed that was best, that we had different experiences and kind of come back in Bermuda. They thought we were a bit too close. You know locally when we were in Bermuda. Of course, at that age you know everything and so, history being what it was, I remember coming back 11 months later with Chevelle pregnant, and also you were born in July. So it was a whirlwind experience. We went from youth to adulthood in a magical second and life changed. Life changed. It was a different experience, it was a different journey from July 18th 1989.
Speaker 1:The day your life became amazing.
Speaker 2:Absolutely there you go?
Speaker 1:We love to see it. Can you believe that's almost 35 years?
Speaker 2:Well, 35 years ago in a month, 35 years ago. It's significant.
Speaker 1:Significant, believe that's 30, almost 35 years. Well, 35 years ago, in a month, 35 years ago, it's significant, significant. Yeah, you look pretty good. You know that's all right. So what would you say were some of the challenges during that time? And I guess, from those challenges, how did you grow?
Speaker 2:oh, very good question again. I think one of the things is the self-doubt with come with being a young father, feeling that you let people down, um, feeling that you were becoming a statistic in terms of black males, the inability to actually provide for a family at the appropriate time, and I think that gave me an incentive to be a good dad. And I look back on those young days as actually amazing, because I was able to do some things. Now I look back on it at 18 and 19 and 20 years old and forge some paths, um, establish some relationships and do some things now that I'm really proud of.
Speaker 1:Absolutely Like what.
Speaker 2:Um, we were in school with a kid and we were going to class. Um, one of the funny things would be would be um, we would be in uni and you sometimes would come to class. We would be in the door, um, in our apartment, respective apartments. You, in essence, grew up with us as we were growing up. So, what's interesting, when you come from a blended environment, your experience as a child was totally different from your siblings, and so we had to grow and you grew with us. We matured with you and you matured with us and I dare say, being a young parent, we were forced to adapt.
Speaker 2:I hasten to say thank you to the support we had. I would not be take the credit. I think that would be self-grandizing. We had an amazing village.
Speaker 2:My mother, my father, my brother Travis at the time, your grandmother, nana Russell, you know your aunt Leisha we had an amazing support system and what they did was they locked arms with us and they all let us know that there's nothing that will happen, that you will come outside of the bonds of our family and you actually, for a long while, were the coagulant. You were so young that you will come outside of the bonds of our family and you actually, for a long while, were the coagulant. You were so young that you were every the apple of everybody's eye. You were in the center of it and I think it was a good point for the family to have a young person in our midst. And it became, you became the spark, and everybody saw you as their daughter, their niece, and I'm looking back on it. I think we had the best support that we needed for the time of which we were raising you in.
Speaker 1:No, I totally agree. I think, if I look back on my childhood, you know, if you were in school or mommy was in school, I was always with a family member, you know, and I never had a feeling as a kid that my parents weren't there, like there was never a time where it was like, oh, my mom is not here, my dad is not here, and I also don't remember, as a kid either, feeling like, oh, my parents weren't together, which is really weird because it was such a such a great, I guess, support system as a family. Like you know, nana and Papa Kane's were always there, nana Russell, Uncle Travis, uncle Wayne you know what I mean like aunt lisha, everyone was always there and so our support system to this day has always been amazing and it is a really good blend of both sides of our families and I I totally agree with you on that. So crazy that you brought that up, because that was actually my next question. You're just in my head and it's okay, I appreciate that but, it's a lot to be in you.
Speaker 1:You just always got to come with the jokes.
Speaker 2:And I just well.
Speaker 1:Where did I get it from?
Speaker 2:I'm looking at the makeup. That's a lot of makeup. Wow, are we going to do this? Stay focused. This is what we're doing right now.
Speaker 1:Like we're like like I just don't understand. Anyway. So, as like it, things progressed, and you know, I guess, from being a young dad to then having two more daughters. What would you say was one thing that kind of prepared you. For once you had Deysha and Dory. From learning, from having me, so really quickly.
Speaker 2:There's a part that I want to gloss over, and that is whenever, in Bermuda, as I go through my journey, I recognize that blended families become more commonplace than ever before.
Speaker 2:And one of the things that I recognize if my life is going to be legitimate, I have to come to grips with my reality, and there's a part of that journey where I had to be honest with myself and say this is who I am, this is my family, and be comfortable with my reality, because there is a hoaxable effect, if you know what I mean, where everybody, when you get to a certain level, you want this cookie cutter world and what I recognized, that was in my reality and I became comfortable with this being my story, this being my journey, and as much as it may be uncomfortable look all to everybody else my number one priority as a young father was to instill balance, instill love, a sense of community, and so in so doing with you, I think that you learn by literally trial and error the second time around.
Speaker 2:Obviously, I was married then to Roshanda and I actually saw parenting from a very different level. In the totality of what it was and looking back on it, each journey was unique, one would like to say, the journey. The confines of marriage should have been better or primal. I look at each one of them reflective of the time, the person and as I matured, I engage my parental skills, my parental environment just the best that I could okay, so how would you say it's different?
Speaker 1:has been different raising the three of us? So myself, daisha and dory, three very different personalities, but we're all still very similar. How, how is it raising three girls?
Speaker 2:well, um with. It's no secret that I've always wanted a son, I mean, and not, we know not because daughters, daughters, daughters are amazing, but sons actually, yeah, it is guys my dad was really disappointed.
Speaker 1:He had three girls as a sports, as a sports guy.
Speaker 2:You know you just have these images dressing him like you. But a lot of it is centered around a sports guy, you're a sports guy the shade I don't understand a sport I played volleyball, played, played volleyball football. I ran track every sport ping pong, basketball. Do not sleep on who I used to be.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I don't want to pull out my resume I'm just so confused, I just like anyway, stay focused I'm very, really at a loss for words and so I'm sorry, sports guy, go ahead no, just go ahead.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, just you want somebody to be your mirror image, right, and once you get past that ego-driven sort of mindset, I recognize that with you you saw the grind right. You saw me and was with me during, when there was nothing, when we we were in school, when we came back, when we were in the apartment, when we were building, when you saw a study mapping out you at the house, when, lou Omar, wayne Barkley, we were talking about our dreams. The really crazy part was you were always around. So when I see how articulate you are, when I see a business savvy, when I see how articulate you are, when I see a business savvy, when I see how you work in business you had been exposed to this at a very young level.
Speaker 2:You were always around my peers who were literally their trajectory was going in the up, it was going up, and so you, vicariously, were always around progressive individuals and so I think that impacted on you. You saw us when we were living small, so you had a very different reality around what tomorrow looks like. You saw it when there was nothing. Daisha and Dory came when there was a little more and they had a very different experience and it kind of created very different realities, right, and I think each reality has a different response. It requires a different level of parenting.
Speaker 1:So what would you, I guess, give me a little more on different level of parenting. So obviously we talked about me being 18, then Dasha and Dory, when you were married with Dawn Row and stuff. What does that mean? A different level of parenting?
Speaker 2:So when I was a young, I had a lot to prove and I think you're stricter. The first one. You want to do everything right, you want to make sure that this and I, literally. I remember the first time I wanted to be a track athlete. It was a funny story. We were in new york and I was just like everybody in your family ran. You gotta get on the field and you've got to run.
Speaker 1:Very traumatic experience.
Speaker 2:You were running around the field and of course you were slow and I was like that should surprise no one right?
Speaker 2:I just honestly, I wasn't slow and I remember you stopping in the middle of the field and saying I don't want to run, this is not what I want to do, I hate it. I do want to do. I hate it and and I remember me projecting on you and we put a. I put a lot of pressure on you. In retrospect I was like you have to. It was always you have to be the best. You cannot walk into. Because that's where I was in my head at the time as a father, saying you got a chip on your shoulder. You're the child of teenage parents you don't have the luxury of, and I think that may have been unfair pressure. I disagree In retrospect. I think it's easy to parent from the rearview mirror, but I think I put a lot of pressure on you and I was really strict, and strict in the traditional sense of the word strict.
Speaker 1:I agree, but I also disagree because if we look back at the time, I hated it, right like when you looked at the boundaries and the level of strictness that it was, but those boundaries and rules and all of that saved me from a lot right, yeah and in terms of school sports, even though I wasn't fast, I played other things. I was always busy. First of all, I can pull up my resume too.
Speaker 2:Okay, I played sports you know, I was I go, I go to basketball. Say shit, you're on the bench again.
Speaker 1:I was never on the bench. I was always starting five from the time I started playing. You're going to be disrespectful, it's all right I get it, I got pitches.
Speaker 1:I'm always starting five in basketball. I don't know why you do that, but anyway, from that to you know boundaries around, friendships around, you know boyfriends, like those types of things. Yes, you are very strict with me, but it also in rear view if I look at who those people were that I wanted to date at the time, or if it looks at the freedom that some of my friends had that I didn't have at the time. And you look back on. At the time I was upset and I didn't understand it, but as an adult, looking back, it saved me, I think, from a lot of things that I wasn't privy to at the time that I'm grateful for now.
Speaker 2:That's good to hear, I think, as a parent, one of the things that you do as a parent sometimes you beat up on yourself and you ask yourself did I get it right? What would I have done differently? And you can go down the rabbit hole in your mind wondering did I make good decisions? And so it's comforting to hear what you said, but here's what I take comfort in every night. I did the best with the tools that were given me. I made sure that every single day I was better as a parent. I surrounded myself with really good role models, and I tried my best to instill into my daughters the values of which was instilled in me and the things that I did not like about how I was raised. I tried to change that Right.
Speaker 2:One of my things as a parent is, I think, first of all, as a father, you must be a reflection of love. Your children have to see God's love in you. They have to see forgiveness in you, right. They have to see what love feels like and looks like. The other thing that I'm really big on is advocacy. Your children need to know that, whatever they do, they have you as a support, they have you as the person that they know they can count on.
Speaker 2:The other thing that I wanted to make sure that I let you guys feel is you can do anything, that there was nothing that you put your heart. If you put your heart to it, you can achieve. And so when I see you guys, in your respective areas, blossom, I feel a sense of humility that is attached to pride, the pride in the sense that you say these young ladies are living the fruit of their work, the living, the, the, the vision of their grandparents. I see you, I see nana russell, I see ab nana, I see nana canes and I see women who are strong.
Speaker 1:You came from a strong no, I, I get that and I appreciate it, and I and I want to go to a word that you used previously, which was was advocacy right, and what I do in my day-to-day life around advocacy is because of how you advocated for us right, what you did with us, if it was school, if it was sports, you always had our back. You know what I mean. You always were. As long as we were in the right, we were disrespectful, we were talking too much. You know, I was always told I talked too much in school and I was distracted in that way. But if we were in the right, we were disrespectful, we were talking too much. You know, I was always told I talked too much, um, in school and I was distracted in that way. But if we were in the right and someone was doing us wrong, you always advocated for us.
Speaker 1:And that level of advocacy allows me to do what I do today in my job, because we it was, it was a proper representation in my life, every single day, at every level, and it it's something that I'm so appreciative of, because I then know how to not just advocate in my respective space in terms of work, but I know how to advocate for my sisters.
Speaker 1:I know how to advocate for those, my friends. I know how to do all of those things because I learned that from you and those were invaluable lessons that we that were taught to me, and also from just seeing you do it as well. Like I've tell people all the time I've been in a public speaking PR class all my life because of who my father is. So I mean, I wanted to come back to that and one say thank you, like everyone who's in my life, in terms of the women that you mentioned as well all very important, but that portion of how you raised us and what you instilled in us, I think, is something that we can never repay you back for, because I know that because of you, Well, thank you.
Speaker 2:We, as I was saying earlier before, I kind of got choked up. You guys have had strong women and the legacy of the women that you represent, so I was given this crazy task. As a father, how do I nurture, how do I give life to a seed that actually was germinated years ago by true appreciation for that they will come to respect and honor later. And you have to be so convicted that it's the right thing for the time. And there are times when, as a parent, we loved each other. We did not like each other, and that every parent who has a teenage boy or girl knows the point. When you look across at your child and say I don't like you right now.
Speaker 2:And it's heavy because we don't have those conversations. And so parents are in corners feeling like they are failures, they don't get it right because we have this iconic view of what parenting is, and the reality is there is very little people in this world who got it right. We are all trying our best with the tools that we've been given. We have to free people up to say I was not a perfect parent. I made mistakes, I've learned, and mothers and fathers out there trying to live this perfect life. Where there is no perfection. It's individuals that say I have to be better for my child and the skills that you do not have.
Speaker 1:You find those skills so that you can be a more effective parent. Yeah, so, when we talk about there not being a blueprint for it and doing what works best for you, like, obviously your mommy co-parented with me my entire life, right, and you spoke about earlier doing what works for you, you Like, obviously you and mommy co-parented with me my entire life, right, and you spoke about earlier doing what works for you and your family. And one of the things that I say to people all the time is my, my parents are amazing friends, and you also spoke about, you know, things being difficult sometimes. So how would you say you and mommy came to the I guess, not necessarily conclusion, but more so the agreement that you guys would be such great co-parents.
Speaker 2:I think it's a very emotional story of which I would not get into just because it will take me to an emotional place, and I'm not just prepared to go to you and your mother and I obviously were not together, but she and I had a personal conversation about what we wanted for you and we made a decision when you were not, um, when you were 13, to have my house be the primary house for you, and so you came to live at my house.
Speaker 2:Now, just the context of what that means is most people understand it to have a blended family. You spend a weekend with your mom or dad and the week, and so we went through that. We went through that for 13 years and I remember just getting to the point where I wanted you to wake up with your sisters every day. I wanted you to have this amazing experience and I shared that with your mother and she, in tears, basically said I want that for my daughter too. And literally you came to my house and it's the one of the best singular decisions of my life and people will come to my house, and this is when we stayed on Happy Valley.
Speaker 1:Good old days.
Speaker 2:We would stay at Happy Valley and they walk into the house and see Roshanda at the table and your mother at the table doing homework and it was uncomfortable for everybody. I remember my every man was like, oh, this is big love, the Utah show. And everybody came in.
Speaker 2:But what we recognize it was no longer about us yeah as adults, and I think one of the biggest gifts that I've had is roshanda and chevelle being mature women who were able to say their number one priority is our daughters and they never put you guys above excuse me themselves above you, and it made us operate differently. Yeah, so my, your sisters call ab. There is no distinctions. We've never used the word half sisters. We don't use that in our house. There's no phraseology that allows for that, because we are one yeah and our unit is our unit.
Speaker 2:We make no apologies for it. And I'm saying a part of us getting to the and guess what? It doesn't happen overnight. It happens when you mature, and maturing takes some time. It takes retro introspection, excuse me. It takes counseling. Sometimes it takes you to get to the point where you say it's no longer about me, my hurt, my ego is secondary to my child's development. We got to that point Now. Remember I said you were 13. So it means it doesn't happen overnight. And we got to that point. And guess what? That's when I start to see the beauty of what a family could be. That's when I realize what unconditional love truly feels like. And it's literally when we tell our story, we tell it from that perspective of. You can be a blended family, you can be a family that is not traditional and still be happy, still be, have the ability to enjoy life pure at the level that you choose.
Speaker 1:No, I mean and mommy spoke about it on her episode a while ago making that sacrifice. You know, when you talk to her about wanting me to live with you full time, and it was difficult, right, it was difficult for her. I also didn't understand it at the time until I didn't fully appreciate that sacrifice from my mom, until I was well into being an adult. But it is something that and I thanked her for it at that time because you and I have the relationship that we have. Daisha Dory and I have the relationship that we have because of that sacrifice and I hate that I'm about to cry.
Speaker 2:I will just take over and just say one of the things that I appreciate as well as our village.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Your family have always been kind and respectful. Your dad I mean her father, excuse me Wallace Robinson, ab Nana, nana Russell They've always treated me with respect. My family has always treated your mother with respect. They never got into our issues. They never allowed any of the inner workings of relationships to impact on how they treated us. And I think the maturity in our space, the love that was in our space, it actually created the appropriate building blocks. Right, because it's not easy. And I say to people that if you're thinking it was a bed of roses and we just woke up one day and we got there it's actually dishonest.
Speaker 2:It's dishonest to the work. It's dishonest to the nights where we were saying why are we doing this? But we got to a point where we believed and knew within our hearts that we made right decisions as a collaborative unit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely I am. I'm like I said, I'm very appreciative of that time and it was very pivotal and significant in my life and you don't understand it when you're younger, but when you look back you're very grateful for it. I remember a time when my university boyfriend came to Bermuda and I don't know if you remember this, but he came and I was at the house and I was making dinner and my mom pulled up into the driveway and he ran inside and he was like your mom is outside. And I was like, yeah, I know Right, he was like your dad and mom was still here. And I was like, yeah, I know Right, he was like your dad and stepmom was still here. And I was like I know she's coming for dinner with all of us. And he literally said he was so shocked at the time and that was the first time in my life I realized that our situation wasn't normal and in terms of how his family was blended, but in a very different way. And that was the first time in my life. I was like, wow, my mom coming over for dinner with my dad, my stepmom, my sisters and my boyfriend at the time is not something that people who have blended families are very used to and that was the first time I had a full appreciation of it because it was so normal.
Speaker 1:Daisha and Dory run up to my mom and it's Aunt Chevelle, you know what I mean. It's Nana Russell, you know, it's Aunt Leisha, to your point around. There is no difference, and vice versa. When it comes to anything else, you know Aunt Roshanda's family have always been very welcoming to me. So I don't know, I don't know, it just is something that not weighs on me, but it's something that I think about all the time and I'm very grateful for and it also. But it puts me into a space sometimes where I don't understand how other people can be that way, but it a space sometimes where I don't understand how other people can't be that way, but it uh it's a journey.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a journey, and also different people evolve. There are certain baseline things that we had, that actually we had commonalities in faith. We had commonalities in sort of what we wanted for the future. So it's a lot easier when certain things are in place as a natural rule right so, um, it was a blessing. As I said, roshanda is an amazing mother.
Speaker 2:She's an amazing wife and I think that some of the things that she has actually made sure she incorporated into her parenting style, because certain women wouldn't put up with that or even go through, and vice versa. So, as I said, it's been a blessing to be a part of our unit. I'm honored by it.
Speaker 1:I'm blessed by it every day yeah, absolutely, and obviously it'd be remiss of me not to say anything about aunt roshanda. Roshanda has never, ever treated me anything other than her daughter. You know right, I've never in my life felt, you know people say step-parent and step-child or anything like that I've never felt that way and um you, um, you know, even though you come into things like this and you have those feelings, amashana has always been amazing and I tell people all the time my step-mom is a saint and, uh, I'm very grateful for her always welcoming me that way, and it definitely is something that I'm very, very appreciative of. So when you talk, so I guess, how is it now? Parenting adult daughters?
Speaker 2:It's weird You're never prepared for when you can't just say be quiet, and they be quiet. You never know it's. Parenting doesn't stop and there's a transition to parenting where you're adult children and you become more friends. There's clearly a boundary of which you want to keep as sacred as a parent and adult child. But for me, it's watching you guys grow and develop. It's watching you make life choices and here's the thing Some of those life choices I don't agree with and here's what you and your sisters remind me of and it's really difficult to hear but, I, need to hear it.
Speaker 2:It's no longer my job to have any say in how you live your life, and, as a father that I'm with, I have very strong opinions about most things I'm aware and when you see your daughters making decisions that sometimes you don't agree with as adults, your natural instinct when you were the parent that I was is to try to correct course correct. And one of the most interesting things I remember talking to Disha she came back home and obviously she moved into the apartment and we were going to the teeth and pains and I wanted to still be the daddy, that kind of and she was like very emotional. I don't need that daddy anymore. I've had him. I want the encouraging dad who simply is there, nurturing and supporting, and it is a shift when you are sort of the alpha dad in terms of the protector, the always around.
Speaker 2:Do you need anything? Or let me give you my advice and your advice. You know I've got to learn now and I'm still learning that your advice sometimes is overpowering that they don't want your advice. They're not telling you something because they want you to fix it. They're telling you because they just want you to listen, and so that's been the biggest change for me is watching my adult daughters make decisions and having absolutely no control over the decision or the process and having to trust their judgment, having to watch them make mistakes and having the heart to allow it to happen and just be there to support yeah, like we're a little difficult for you though it still is yeah, I just wanted to bring us back down to reality.
Speaker 2:It never is easy when you've taken a path and the only thing you want, as a parent, is for your child not to make mistakes, particularly if you made those mistakes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, and so stepping back sometimes is hard because life is a field. As a parent, you're the guardrails. Yeah, and you all would like you know when you had the um hospital beds and they put the rails up, it stops you from falling off. There comes a point where those rails come down but as a parent you want to put them back up and you recognize you cannot carpet the world. You cannot make life smooth and easy. I want to fix everything and sometimes you cannot fix everything. You have to allow your adult children to make mistakes and to grow and to enjoy the benefits of their hard work, but also to suffer the consequences of their decisions yeah, absolutely, and I think our relationship has morphed as well.
Speaker 1:I know Dasha and Dory call me the daddy whisperer because you know, if anything is ever not good, bad ugly or whatever, we can always kind of come to you and have those conversations after, and I think with you and I especially one, we work really well together when we're planning things and doing things like that, but then also when it comes to having difficult conversations. I think and correct me if I'm wrong but I think we've gotten to a point as well where we both listen to each other when it comes to those things and kind of take into consideration those viewpoints I think what you are more aware of than most is on my triggers.
Speaker 2:Oh and so when you see me going to a certain place, you don't go there yeah and vice versa, and I think we have been in each other's space for so long. We know when we're going to a place that we need to pull back from.
Speaker 2:Your sisters are still learning that space, and that's because time and maturity right, and also we spend a lot of time together over the years, and I think, spending time as we have over the years, what it's done is given us the roadmap for how we want to be treated, and I think one of the gifts that we were able to instill in you and your sisters is the ability to communicate how you feel, and so one of the things that was big for me is for my daughters to be able to speak, and so we've come from a very auditory culture the Bermudian side, the Caribbean, the Jamaican side where everything is about oral communication. That's how we share our traditions, that's how we communicate and we love hard, but it's very, very strong in terms of how we communicate. I like the fact that you guys have your voice and you are strong enough to articulate what that means for you, and I see it as a gift.
Speaker 2:I look at you, daisha and Dory, and I see myself in all of you. I see you, your entrepreneurial, your drive. I see that in me. I see how you would have gotten to where you are, because that is a part of me. I look at Daisha and I see her compassion as a nurse. I see myself in that, and then I see Dory as a history teacher, her love for history, culture, and I see myself in that, and every time I see you guys, I see a piece of myself in you and the only thing I get is filled with pride, because I know that it's a unique experience that I treasure watching my daughters mature into a place where they're comfortable being themselves, perfect, but they are comfortable with their choices, their circle of friends. And if they are not comfortable, they know how to build the communities and also the capacity that gives them the strength to know that they're not alone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, absolutely. It's weird having this conversation because I agree with you right, there's no, there's no coming back and forth when in this conversation, like I would with the traditional guests, because you're 100 correct, I mean 10 years ago I wouldn't have been appreciative of that, or even 15 years ago, but it is the truth. You know, I think all of us like myself, daisha Dory, we, we definitely are like you a lot, and there's other things that not as much, but I think all of those things are 100% true and I think we all appreciate it too. You said around being strict and disciplined, which is true, but, like I said before, I am grateful for it, genuinely grateful.
Speaker 1:There were a lot of things that some of my friends or people that I was in school with at the time went through that because of that, I didn't. You know what I mean. And also, having a dad in your life who people are not fearful of but respect, um it, it saves you from so much I find that men respect malehood, and so when they see someone in a young lady's life, they think twice agreed and I think that a part of being a father is being a priest.
Speaker 2:A priest is not a pastor, but it's someone who shows their children that there is someone out there that's greater than themselves. Right, it's a level of humility that you introduce your child to the father. It's a spirit-led household, and I hope that you guys can look and say this is not about religion, it's about relationship, and that's something that I wanted to expose you to and to represent. The other thing was a protector. I wanted to always protect my daughters, and protecting is showing you care, as well as always making sure that there is a hedge around you, that I will always make sure you would always be protected and provide, and the provision is love, the first provision. The next provision is support. The next provision is nurturing. How do I nurture your dreams? Well, I know that she, like, we started violin lessons right and we got you in violins and, um, you couldn't play a lick right why do you keep doing this, you?
Speaker 2:had a lot of you kissed a lot of frogs this year. Oh, we put her into, it was ballet, it was tat. I mean you, you kissed a lot of frogs. But my point is, I'll go, I'll go. Yeah, this is just so I played no, no, no, no, no, no we're going to do this right now I played violin mississippi hot dog I'm like the only reason why I stopped playing violin was because I broke my thumb okay, so we're gonna, we're gonna tell that story my thumb, but
Speaker 2:I played piano oh, wow, for two. Okay, I'm not gonna do that to you because, no, no, no, we're not gonna do is make it seem like there's a lot that didn't stick. There's a lot that didn't stick, but what I will say is that fair. You know, we had you in a lot of stuff, but but what we recognized was there were things that stuck like basketball taekwondo.
Speaker 2:No, no, you did, I did taekwondo, I would literally I was a student leader during school, like I did, was very good at speech and debate like, don't do me, like I didn't do anything, all jokes aside. So there was a method to our madness, and so one of the things was we took faith very seriously. Yes, education was significant Absolutely. My mom's a teacher. The next thing was giving back, understanding the value of your community. Culture was very important.
Speaker 2:Yeah, understanding who you are, the people that made it important for you to be here on your both sides of family. That's for everyone. And then the other thing that I think we wanted you guys to do is not be scared to fail. So part of that was exposing you to all the things that we expose you to swimming over white silence, sailing over white silence, taekwondo, and what I like about what we did was you guys were involved in so many things and, as I'm being silly, everything is not supposed to stick. Sometimes it's just literally about exposure, and we wanted to expose you to the most that we could and Bermuda is such a cool place because at every corner there's something new and unique to expose young people to and we did it all there was never a summer, there was never christmas that you guys were not involved in something that expanded your horizons no, I mean there were, there were a few rules.
Speaker 1:There was definitely you got to do well in school, but then there was just not a lot of time for idle time, no, and that was.
Speaker 2:That's something that was passed on to me, right, yeah, and so a part of it is the charnet king, and the other thing was the other thing was work ethic yeah, I mean we all had jobs you, we, but all had consistent job you worked from.
Speaker 1:You were 13 for snowys I don't think you're supposed to say 13 well, no, and daishin dori pack groceries right and they double it down.
Speaker 2:No, no, they practice started at 10 and my point is yeah, 10. You gotta eat. Somebody's gotta work if you gotta eat. Listen, that macaroni don't pay for itself, that Cory goat don't pay for itself.
Speaker 1:You can't say things like that in 2024. No what.
Speaker 2:I'm saying is, let me put some character on it. So they pack groceries at Modern Mart, and they pack groceries only on Sundays, from from one to five. But here's what was amazing one to five and what we used to do is we used to take their money from them and save it, and so, like at six months dory used to spend it dory would go into the store and make 20 dollars, make 50 dollars, spend 20 on snacks.
Speaker 2:But every sunday these guys would come home and in six months save up three thousand dollars yeah and they were able to do so much for themselves at young age and we, we didn't spend the money. We started savings accounts and so, but I see what I, what I think you guys got from that. Not knowing it's time on task. Most you guys are not scared of hard work, but it started with the little things. The other things, like pathfinders, are the choirs. Um, it was service-based organization and so the gift was just putting you in things that made you well rounded and have a respect for Bermuda yeah, absolutely, and I think again, I 100% agree with you.
Speaker 1:Those are all things that we all did. You know working at Snowy's back in the day, you know I remember a lot of firsts happened around those places, so definitely the work ethic was something that was always instilled in us. And then you know giving back to the community as well, like Nana's been giving back to the community since before I was born, before you were born. You know what I mean. So those are all service based things that we know and we love and we all still do so much. So, no, we're totally grateful for all of those things. But I mean, it's crazy, we're coming up on time and, uh, I wanted to kind of just go back a little bit around. I guess your reflections as a dad and like I guess, what you're most proud of with us, um, around that I know you said a few different things, but know, in our career choices, whatever that looks like, like reflecting wise, like what would you, what would you look back on and reflectively and say about us?
Speaker 2:I have said it and I'll say it again what I reflect upon is who you all have become and your journeys, the one of the gifts that I've learned just from being around a very supportive village, and I want to take the the time to acknowledge my village, my mother, my father, who are amazing role models, um, and the people in my community I don't want to start calling names, but I have an amazing circle of friends. I have amazing men in my life that I have had the honor and privilege to watch, and I've grown and I've matured as a father by being surrounded by men who take fathering and fatherhood very seriously. Being a male is a matter of birth. Being a man and a father is a choice, and I chose to be a good father. And so, just coming down to the end of your show, the learning points for me is, as a father, you cannot let anyone dictate the terms of your fatherhood, and there are men right now that, based on court appointed situations or relationships with mothers, they feel like they're limited to how you can be a father, and what I say to many is, if you have been given an hour to see your child, make that the most important hour of that child's life. Remember you've got to turn moments into memories and until such time as you create the optimum environment for your child, you have to make your child in the time that you see them be most important.
Speaker 2:The other valuable value that I have to transmit in this space is you cannot love your child the way it needs to be loved when you've got anger and hate for their mother. In order for you to be freed to love your child the way they need to be loved, you have to come to grips with the anger, the frustration and the emotions around what happened in the relationship, because the child can sense it and a child cannot ultimately give you 100%. If they know you hate a half of who they are, so a part of it is. Coming to grips with the fact that your love for your child should supersede your hate, disdain or dislike for that mother. It also does not let men who are married off the hook. A lot of men are married but they are not active agents in their children's life and they believe my sum total is to bring money in the home or just to be at the steering wheel I mean the passenger side and grab onto the steering wheel when it's. It's proverbially, of course, when it becomes you almost.
Speaker 2:In order for you to get the respect that you deserve is to be active in the household.
Speaker 2:Now here's the other piece women have to allow men to be fathers absolutely you have to allow men to be active in their child's life and do not hold them hostage to relationships that did not work, or hold fathers to contemptuous situations based on a younger version of themselves. Men, we mature, sometimes later. One of my funny stories about that is when I used to come home, as you remember, I would always need 30 minutes to come down and I would always come home and like lie off and relax and I was just like listen, I'm just unwind and I've got a plug, and roshanda would say why don't I get a chance to unplug? I have, and I just said it was just different for me. I knew if I did not have a moment to change gears to come down, the energy that I brought into the house would be the same as the energy that I have to deal with the real world. There is a different reality that men face, and this is not making light of women's plight, but in this forum I have to be true to men who are fathers and say sometimes we don't want you to be in our shoes, we want to just give value to one of the things that we're saying.
Speaker 2:Sometimes men's voices are not respected particularly, particularly when it comes to parenting, and until we elevate our voices or put down our feet, that is when people start to listen. Men have to be able to speak without it being confrontational or it being ultimatum situations. We have values, we have voices In terms of fathers. We just have to be consistent with that regard. We cannot choose the times that we want to be active. Being a parent is a 24-hour job. It's 365 days. It's about committing to be the best that you can be, and best is an action. It means every single day I rise up to be better than the day before.
Speaker 1:Absolutely no. And to your point about taking that time, like you laughed because we always used to say why do you need 30 minutes?
Speaker 2:to kind of calm down, I still take it.
Speaker 1:I know and you're all you're like for summertime. You're like I need the AC on. I want to come home to a cool house.
Speaker 2:It was nothing worse than coming into a hot house.
Speaker 1:Daddy, let me tell you something. I have never in my life understood something so clearly. About three years ago I walked into my house and it was hot and I said, lord, I work too hard for this. And I understood it like and I think people's, what you do after work and what you need to do to calm down is different for everybody. But everyone should do it. Moms to everyone should do it like for me. I just need a few minutes play an idle game on my phone just to come off of what you do every single day. But I never understood that until about three or four years ago.
Speaker 2:Che the last thing I would like to say about fathering is learn your child. A part of the gift of parenting is treating your child unique. One size does not fit all.
Speaker 2:I have three daughters, all unique. All of them respond to me differently. They have different stimulation. So part of being a father is studying your child, also understanding what they want to be and putting things within their path that waters their dreams. Child is interested in something. Make sure you give them everything in their path that they know they can accomplish, and the other thing is just love on them. Love, love, love. And here's the other thing Discipline is love. Discipline shows that I care enough about you to put a boundary and a consequence. Clearly there are specific rubrics around how you discipline the time you discipline the energy around disciplining. But disciplining is a form of love. It should be executed very wisely, not when you're angry, not when you're frustrated, and but it's still a form of love. But love your child. Make sure they know there is nothing they can do, that they will fall out of your love.
Speaker 1:So I usually ask all of my guests before they leave you know, what do you want to be remembered for? Right, but in this context of father's day and girl dad, what is something that you want us, as your daughters, to remember about you? And obviously a long, long time from now, when someone says to us you know your dad or anything about your dad, what is something you want us to know and always remember about you? You?
Speaker 2:are fearfully and wonderfully made. You walk on the foundation of strong men and women. Everything that you did was ordained for your greatness. Every day, every decision that I made in my life is A to make you proud. To make you proud and to let you know that there is nothing in this world you cannot accomplish if you do not. There's nothing in this world you cannot accomplish if you put your heart, your soul, in it. Treat people right, be respectful of others, give back to those who have less than you, be true and honorable to God, be faithful to your friends and family, and everything that you want will be added onto you.
Speaker 1:Thank you, Daddy. Happy Father's Day.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much and thank you for being an amazing daughter. I appreciate so much and thank you for being an amazing daughter I appreciate that and thank you for being an amazing dad.
Speaker 1:Honestly, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Love you all, right, guys? Happy father's day to all the fathers out there. I hope you enjoyed this episode with me and my dad and you got to see a little peek inside of our relationship and the things that he's instilled in myself and my sisters all of our lives, as always, thank you, thank you so much for spending some time with me today. Make sure you like and subscribe this episode. Make sure you head over to the to the website hustleheartpodcastcom to sign up to be a VIP listener. We also have some amazing new merch that's come out for the summer some new hats, some new colors. We would love for you guys to get some of those as soon as you can. As always, as always, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for spending some time with me today on Hustle Heart Podcast.
