Hustle Her
Hustle Her
Hustle Her - Nicole
Nicole Fox knows the depths of loss and the heights of resilience, and she shares her inspiring journey with us in this moving episode. A devoted mother and tireless advocate from Bermuda, Nicole opens up about the heart-wrenching loss of her son Rico to gun violence and how it transformed her life. Her story is not just about tragedy but about finding purpose through pain, as she co-founded Mothers on a Mission to support families affected by violence. Nicole’s candid reflections invite us to understand the profound impact of violence on families and communities, and her unwavering commitment to advocacy and healing.
Nicole's journey is one of profound personal transformation, as she navigated her path to sobriety amidst relentless grief. Through spirituality and a 12-step program, she found strength and guidance, even in the darkest times. She talks openly about her battle with addiction, the role of divine intervention in her recovery, and the immense challenge of maintaining faith after her son's tragic death. Her narrative is a testament to the incredible power of forgiveness, inner resilience, and the light that can guide us through the darkest moments of life.
As our conversation continues, Nicole emphasizes the importance of community and shared experiences in healing. She speaks passionately about her mission to provide hope and solidarity to those grieving, highlighting the significance of parental forgiveness and community advocacy. By founding a support group for mothers who have lost children to violence, Nicole not only honors the memory of those lost but fosters a supportive environment for others facing similar struggles. Her story is one of legacy and overcoming adversity, rooted in faith and the unwavering strength of family, offering inspiration and guidance to anyone navigating the painful journey of loss.
I'm a hustler baby. It's time for Hustle Her podcast. I'm your host, deshae Caines. Hustle Her is all about inspiring women through real life experiences that have helped to mold and develop not only me of motivation, a bit of tough love and some actionable takeaways to be the best. You, girl, you are in the right place.
Speaker 1:Hey guys, this episode is brought to you by Scudamart. At Scudamart, you can buy, sell or rent a bike with them. Make sure you head over to their Hamilton location on Church Street or their pageant location on Lover's Lane or on wwwscootermartbm. Hey guys, and welcome back to Hustle Heart Podcast. As always. Thank you so much for spending some time with me today.
Speaker 1:Big shout out to our season sponsors, 59 Front, as well as Brown and Company. New to our sponsor list is Scootermart, as well as the Women's Resource Center. We want to thank all of them for coming on board and making this podcast episode so impactful to those of you who are listening today. So today is really special to me and it's something that I'm really excited to bring to everyone. When we look at the statistics for gun violence in Bermuda, you really can't find a lot about it online, but what we've come to realize is that over 65 people have died as a result of gun violence in Bermuda to date. Someone who's very passionate about that, who has significant intimate relations with gun violence and loss and grief, is my next guest, who is Miss Nicole Fox.
Speaker 2:Hi, nicole, hi, how are you? I'm awesome, good, awesome.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for coming here today I genuinely appreciate it and for being so open and willing to have this conversation. Yeah, yeah, all right, for coming here today I genuinely appreciate it and being for being so open and willing to have this conversation. Yeah, yeah, all right. So before we jump right in, I'm gonna ask you a few questions, just kind of get to know you a little better. So the first thing that comes to mind is what you answer. Okay, call them quick, rapid fires, all right. So tell me your favorite color black. I love that. That was so easy too. Most people like black that work okay, perfect.
Speaker 2:All right, I know it just passed, but your cop match team st george's oh cool, I know, oh no, that's why I've been wearing black for a while. Yeah morning.
Speaker 1:That's hilarious, okay, so tell me um your favorite time of day lunch time lunch time. Why lunch? It's time to eat. That's hilarious, okay, so tell me your favorite time of day Lunchtime.
Speaker 2:Lunchtime why lunch?
Speaker 1:It's time to eat. I love that.
Speaker 2:That came from my years of competing Okay, and I was always hungry while lunchtime. Okay. So I just convey to you how.
Speaker 1:Love that. What's most important to you? My children. Okay, and then what do you like to do for fun?
Speaker 2:gym gym.
Speaker 1:Yes, so I'm new on this gym journey. I don't wouldn't say it's fun yet, but we'll get there at some point. We'll get there, all right. What's the biggest learning experience you've ever had? Dealing with adversity okay, and then what would you say is your biggest strength?
Speaker 1:god I love that, all right. So we invited you here today to talk about um one, about your the you've. You are the co-founder of mothers on a mission, um, and so we're definitely going to get into that in a little while and you know how that started. But specifically to talk about your journey um a mom, but also dealing with the death of your son, rico. So in January 23rd 2013, your son was passed away due to gun violence in Bermuda. Tell me about that day that you found out what happened to your son.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was a bad day. He was laying in bed, son. Um, yeah, it was a banister staying in bed. Um, we came up to your house, my house, my part of the house, and he said I'm gonna chill out downstairs at my mother-in-law's house she had, she was going away, so the boy, she spent a lot of time up there instead of downstairs. Um, and it's like, yeah, I'm gonna chill out. So he went after that. Um, skya and zachary my other two young ones, they came up. I'm like we're gonna chill out, donnie hoes. So I'm saying it came out, all my boys, sandy hoes, they're chilling.
Speaker 2:I'm laying there watching TV and I got a phone call from Rika's dad and he's like what are you doing? I'm like why you know? And he says Rika has been shot, rika and Haile has been shot, oti shot. And I'm like why is Haile in tough shoes? Because Rika used. And I'm like why is Haile out of tough shoes? Because Rico used to say all the time I'm out of the shop and he used to always be out on tough shoes out on Court Street. I'm like why is Haile out there?
Speaker 2:So I'm not thinking Belvin's and I just stay right on the corner from Belvin's and just when he said that I heard this, this large scream, and it was Haile's girlfriend and I came outside because Haile and I stayed. We stayed right next to each other, it was like just a close neighborhood and our mom. So I went down the house and I banged on the door to my other son so I'm like we could have been shot. So we all just ran out to Balvin's and I'm not sure which one, whether it was your daddy or your uncle.
Speaker 1:It would have been my dad at the time, my dad at the time looked at us and said he's going to the hospital.
Speaker 2:You know he's already gone to the hospital. You know he's already gone to the hospital. So I'm like, is he?
Speaker 2:breathing and he's like yes, so I was like okay my two sons other sons decided not to come down to the hospital. So I went down to the hospital and on the back of a bike, which I didn't think I was going to make it it was Haile's girlfriend at the time and she worked, so we were both just out of it and once we got down there, you know, they wouldn't let us in. And then eventually they let us in to a little private room and we sat there and we waited. Haile's family was there, my family was there, my family was there. Many doctors came in and they said they came in with Harley for us Doctors said you know, family of Harley, alderbridge. The whole room went up in an uproar and I remember looking at Miss Alderbridge and saying to her what happened to Farbid. They talked about Alder, her. What happened to Farbett? She talked about Otterbridge. What happened to Farbett?
Speaker 2:And she looked at me, she held my hand and she said no news is good news, nick. So I said okay, not sure how much longer. After that Short white man With his hair wrapped, like you know, in a sergeant's uniform came on. So I don't know if you know the extent and I'm like, okay, he's starting to talk. The other one didn't go through with this with the extent of highly dangerous, but he's saying so I'm thinking he's gonna say he survived, but he's saying so I'm thinking he's gonna say he survived or he's fighting um.
Speaker 2:He took three bullets right blank to his chest and he did not make it. Don't remember too much after that. I don't remember too much after that.
Speaker 1:I'm I'm so sorry to take you back one to that moment, but I appreciate you being willing to discuss that with us. But when we think of you know so many people so far removed from that moment right, they don't understand the families that are affected by it, that are affected by it and what I wanted to do here with you today and for everyone listening or watching. I did ask permission to have this conversation with you and to ask these questions, but I want people to understand the intimacy of those moments, that it's people that are so close and they have families, and you're a mom who lost her son in that moment and life for you changed.
Speaker 2:It's never been the same. Nothing is the same, absolutely nothing. I can't even say I have a feeling that's the same. My love and respect for others are not the same. I thought I couldn't love my children anymore. But once I lost one, the love for the ones I have left is going tremendous. It is a catch-22. Because in one breath you're like waiting for the other shoe to drop, loving on them so much that you don't want to lose them. But in reality it wasn't your fault that you lost one in the first place. The respect I have for people when I look at people today, my outlook on people in general human beings have changed.
Speaker 2:I'm more conscious on how I treat people. Today, everything has changed. I will never forget one time I was using the bathroom and I was so mesmerized by the toilet paper coming off the room Like that was so enlightened to me and I couldn't understand why. But it just shows that nothing is the same anymore. I never understood. I mean, nobody just takes advantage, but this was rolling off and it was like I never looked at it. I just took it for granted.
Speaker 2:It's just toilet paper, but that's how deep everything changed with me On that day after that day After that day nothing remained the same.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I want to take it back a little bit because most people would assume that the death of a son in that way is a major life changing event and that's enough to last someone for a lifetime. But you've also had your own journey prior to that date. So walk me through a little bit about young Nicole and some of the things you kind of went through growing up before Rico's death.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was a wild one Kind of went through growing up before Rico's death. Yeah, I was a wild one. And some might say I still am, but on the good side of wild today. I got involved with drugs at a very young age. Very promiscuous, yeah, yeah. I was.
Speaker 2:I would say that when I look back at age 21. I was a full-blown addict well. I smoked and got high every day at age 21. Well, whereas I thought I was a functioning addict. But as years went on, um, I really wasn't okay. I couldn't work, I lost jobs. That was my full-time job. It consumed your life. It consumed everything I had. Given my mother custody of my kids. I could not raise them.
Speaker 1:I was in the grips of my addiction very bad to the age of 38 wow, and what was that pivotal moment where you decided to come out of your addiction?
Speaker 2:I wouldn't say I did. I think god had a different plan got it.
Speaker 2:You know, I just I remember wanting something different for myself. I was. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I remember having one day having my house full of people with drugs and alcohol. I remember having everything I needed and I remember going into my bathroom and crying and asking God for help. I remember reaching out and saying I don't want this anymore. And I remember crying. They was not going to do it, nick, you all right, you all right. And I'm like, yes, I'm okay, just leave me alone. And I had that personal talk with God and, of course, I came back home and ran on about my journey and a couple of days or weeks later, the bailiffs came. I thought they just was taking my husband, but they took me too, and that was a change. That was something that I think. God took me to a place where I couldn't get clean outside of jail, so he took me away from it and saved my life.
Speaker 1:It's one of those things where people and people get angry when people say this, but sometimes it's. Everything happens for a reason.
Speaker 2:Everything happens for a reason. Now, prior to that, I had been jailed already. Before that too, okay, and that didn't change me. Okay, and that didn't change me. Okay, but for whatever reason, I remember going to jail this time falling on my knees and crying like I've never cried out to God in my life. And when I got up off the floor, I had such a freedom that, even though I was behind bars, I was the happiest person going. I had this joy in my heart. It was like whoa, I feel so happy right here. I was scared to leave because what was out there I didn't want to go back to.
Speaker 1:How was the recovery process of coming off of drugs?
Speaker 2:The recovery process for me. I done a 12-step program. For many years I hung with people, I talked, I cried with people that were struggling with the same disease as me. I sat on committees, I done conventions disease as me. I sat on committees, I done conventions. I just dug right in to a 12-step program and it was beautiful. I don't do it today, but that's a different story. Again After RICO, I needed to go right to disease. Yeah, got you so RICO was a turning point.
Speaker 1:After Rico, I needed to go right to the source. Yeah got you, so Rico was a turning point for you.
Speaker 2:Rico was definitely a turning point for me. I mean not only spiritually, but personally. I had to figure out who I was outside of Rico Farbott's mom, in order for me to be healthy enough for Zachary and Skia.
Speaker 1:And how do you maintain your sobriety after something like that, because that's so traumatic that one would almost understand having a moment of you know, going back into a lifestyle where you were able to cope right In a situation like that. Like, how did you maintain during those times?
Speaker 2:I just remember that night I had no desire to use. So this is where I'm trying to tell you how God is real. God removes desires that I had no desire to use that night. And if I didn't have the desire, if the initial shock of weaker staff did not send me back, then the next day I had no excuse. The next day I had no right to, because now I've got all the tools I can get the help I need.
Speaker 1:So if the initial shock didn't do it, then the next day I had no right to do it that's significant because, especially when you're looking at it from that perspective, right, because in that moment, like I'm sure, most people were like how do you even rationalize or think that that's okay, you know not okay, but like, okay, cool, if I didn't do it last night, I definitely shouldn't be doing it today, because that's such a traumatic event in your life and God also showed me that that night, about two weeks, three weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night and I doubted myself as a parent.
Speaker 2:I woke up and I started crying. I'm like why aren't I full? Why aren't I filled with depression, anger, hatred, sleepless nights? Why don't I have the look I see in all of Rico's friends and family? Why don't I have this? Did I not love myself? So I doubted myself and God spoke and I heard his voice so clearly. He said that night you asked me of two things a forgiven heart and a peace of mind. And I have granted you both Don't look back.
Speaker 2:And that's when I reminded me after the doctor had said what he had said, Rico didn't make it. I remember coming to him and I was sitting on the floor by the elevators in the hospital and I do remember asking God for a forgiving heart and a peace of mind.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I and he had granted me yeah, and to be able to do something like that in that moment takes also takes a significant amount of strength when you really think about it, because when someone does you wrong, or your child or your family or anyone wrong, almost immediately you want to get back at the person who did that wrong, to the person that you love, so in that moment, be able to ask god for forgiveness. It shows a significant amount of strength on your behalf, because who, who would have ever thought that that's?
Speaker 2:what it would have been the first ask I, I, I. I didn't know why I asked, but that was the first thing that I ever asked God. That was my immediate response.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so when you have a son who passes away from gun violence in such a tragic manner right Immediately, you know obviously people, they come around right. And they're there for you and you know their shoulders are crying on and all of that. What happens after some time has passed and does it dwindle? Do people still check on you like, how does that grieving process, how does that work? And I'm sure it's still going on today, but how, how was that for you when?
Speaker 2:the phone calls stopped coming. That's when the reality really kicked in. But how long, would you say? That took, I can't remember, okay, but it was a process because before I paid the windows off, it wasn't like in three weeks nobody called.
Speaker 2:It was just a gradual and I get it. I understood it. But it taught me that now I have to lean on a power that has some power. I can't depend on people to make me feel good. I had to learn how to focus and survive without my codependent. So that's when I got a stronger relationship with God.
Speaker 2:I had to go to some power that had some power because I was weak yeah I was done and no offense to anyone, but a lot of people that were there to support me had never been through what I had been through. So they didn't know what to say. You just don don't know. It's really nothing you can say yeah, it's the truth, yeah, you know so. But so, and I didn't want to be pitied, but I saw pity in their eyes for me and I didn't want to fall as nobody's victim.
Speaker 2:I'm victorious, you know and I had to turn around a lot of things that people thought what grief looked like. Yeah, grief looked like this and that's how I had to act. No, I don't want to be. I don't want.
Speaker 2:I didn't want to be pitied no yes, I dealt with a tremendous loss and, but I'm not. I lost Rico. I'm not losing myself. You took him, but you're not taking me. Yeah, I had to look at things so much differently, like, no, I had just got clean. I am free from drugs. I had got clean. I had lost my dad. I got clean in 2006. 2006, my dad died. 2009, the exact same date of my dad's death, my only brother was killed in a bike accident. 2011, my mom died. 2013,. Rico died. So I had back to back to back tragedies and I was clean through it all. So I wasn't letting no one take away.
Speaker 2:Let me show you something. When I stopped using for a couple of days, I saw a little light. It was a tiny light and each day I didn't use and I asked God for guidance. That light got bigger and bigger. So I was already walking in light. I wasn't allowing anybody to take me back to the darkness that God had just delivered me from. That was dark. That world of addiction was dark. That world of addiction was dark. I would rather live without my son and walk in light than to live with my son and go back to addiction. Wow, that's significant. So I am quite okay with allowing God to use me.
Speaker 1:So it's amazing to me that you said over those five years, all of that happened post addiction, right. And then we fast forward a few more years and we have Zachary Fox, and then we also have Clark Fox. Walk me through what happened with Zachary and then Clark Um 2020, 2019.
Speaker 2:I had, um, I was laying in my bed and we had heard all these gunshots. I jumped up and I ran because my house is here and Zachary and my mother-in-law and this guy is downstairs, and I ran and I banged on Zachary's outside. He said I'm all right, mama. I ran and this guy stayed downstairs and I ran and I banged on Zachary's outside door. He said I'm all right, mama. I ran downstairs to this guy I'm all right. I said, okay, that was in 2019. Call the police. 18 bullets were fired into that house.
Speaker 1:This is your home.
Speaker 2:Yes, when my son, my mother-in-law and my other son stayed. I stayed on the low side with my husband.
Speaker 2:And that was very disturbing. All I could think about was I can't bury another son. That was 2019. 2020, I am doing a project for my grandson over a friend of mine's house, getting a project ready for Father's Day no, Valentine's Day in February, and I had just taken him home. I had just taken him home and went over to my friend's house to get this project going and then I got a phone call and it's Zachary. And then I got a phone call and it's. Zachary and it's saying, Mom, I've been shot.
Speaker 2:I don't remember too much after that either, but I do know that he did survive. He got shot in his shoulder once again. My house was full of bullets. I had made an appeal to let me take my son out of here, this second attempt on his life, and, needless to say, that didn't happen. But he survived. Clarkie came. Clarkie came to be with his brother. Two weeks later, he was shot out on Court Street and killed in March 2020. So at that time I became very angry.
Speaker 1:I was angry with God let me get you some tissue, sorry, after.
Speaker 2:You know, dealing with Rico was one thing. I'm okay after the amulet, after dealing with Rico and basically after the Amquit, after dealing with Rico and basically, depending on God, right now I'm married. Clark is deaf took a heavy toll on me a very heavy toll, so I went in me and God headed out me, headed out me. I'm very happy too, so I went to you. Me and God had it out we had it out.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you have to.
Speaker 2:And afterwards he said you okay, now, got it all out of your chest, you got work to do. Yeah, you know, got it all out of your chest, you got work to do yeah. I don't understand why this is my cause to bear, but I do know that I don't bear it alone. Yeah. And that's what just needs me. I know that I don't know yeah it's me 100, and when it gets too heavy, I know what to go.
Speaker 1:And that's too, god, and that's too yeah I, I mean nicole, out of everything that we've spoken about so far, one of those things is enough to take anybody out. You know, in terms, mentally, physically, you know, justification of the lack of wanting to do anything in life anymore through um, just one would be justification for that right. And so, when we look at all the things that you've been through and you're still so strong and willing to share your story and willing to be able to come and speak about it, like how I mean, no, we spoke about god, but outside of that, like what keeps you going every day?
Speaker 2:um, my grandbabies and my other children, and I have this awesome husband hey, I have the best husband ever. I know you guys' husbands are, but I know that God has blessed me with an awesome man. I love that.
Speaker 2:Who has stood beside me. We have been through everything. He's also a recovering addict. We met in addiction. We married, we baptized together. We came through. He was right there when we buried. He was Rico's dad. You know he stepped there. Him and Rico's dad are very close. They have an awesome relationship and seven years later I'm right there with him to bury his son. So we've both experienced burying sons to gun violence.
Speaker 2:So he is one of my biggest supporters. He is one of my biggest supporters and he is one of my biggest supporters. And he always says and even because dad says they didn't know what they would have done, they couldn't have asked for a better person to go through with me, and I think I'm like whoa. Like if it wasn't for you guys, where would I be? So I have a good support system and another thing that keeps me grounded and keeps me going is that I wasn't just Rico Farbett's mom, it was Zachary Fox's mom and Skia Farbett's mom and they deserve the healthy mom.
Speaker 2:If I would have given up and allowed Rico's tragedy to destroy me, I don't know where those boys would be today. It would not have been look what you've done to my brother, but now look what you've done to my mama, and that's a whole different level when it comes to a son and his mom. So I knew I had to be healthy enough to at least help them navigate through adversity. And so every morning I woke up I knew that those boys were my main focus. And now they have kids and my grandchildren and everything too.
Speaker 1:How many grandchildren do you have?
Speaker 2:Two I have an eight-year-old now and a two-and-a-half.
Speaker 1:Nice, yeah, yes, that's amazing.
Speaker 2:One boy and one little girl, first girl since me.
Speaker 1:I was going to say it's not like you had little boys in the family, so I'm glad you got the girls now yeah so between my husband and I, we have five boys.
Speaker 2:Oh my goodness no girls. I didn't have any sisters. My husband doesn't have any sisters.
Speaker 1:She's spoiled, then she's super spoiled she is, she deserves it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she deserves it.
Speaker 1:That's okay. Yeah, so when we think of you know post, you know Rico, post Zachary, post Clark, do you ever find yourself, I guess, questioning how you parented or anything that you could have done differently? Is there a lot of guilt or shame around their death and or what happened to Zachary in those moments, and how do you kind of deal with that?
Speaker 2:okay, um, yeah, of course I was not the best parent. I was riddled with addiction. If I could have been a better parent, I would have, but unfortunately my choices didn't allow me to be. But I had an awesome mother who raised those boys with love and gave them a solid foundation. She taught them. I'm so grateful for my mom, who's no longer here, but she never gave up on my boys and she had all three of them. She kept them together. She's like Nick, if you can, I will take all three. I'm not taking one. One is not going to foster care, especially when I had the youngest one. It's just like no, I'm going to one. When it's not getting enforced to care, especially when I had the youngest one, it's just like no, I'm going to take him too.
Speaker 2:So I had an awesome, awesome mother, but during Rico's death, of course I questioned myself what could I have done differently If I wasn't strong out on drugs? Would they have not gravitated to or be in a lifestyle that would cause their death, or even to an extent? But I knew, getting clean, that I cannot cry over spilled milk. So, no, I did not pull that trigger. So no, I do not blame myself. I have forgiven myself. Rico had forgiven me. He, my boys, I was clean when Rico died, I was drought free and I was very much in their lives. And Rico, every day, told me he loved me. We had already had that conversation. He had already forgiven me. It was nothing that I wish I could have said or something that wasn't said that I wish it could have happened. No, everything had already been said. So he was proud of me and he had forgiven me.
Speaker 1:That's really all you can ask for.
Speaker 2:And that's all I needed. And that's all I needed and in terms, the way I look at my other boys today forgiveness and constant support. So no, I don't blame myself. I don't question my parenting. I knew that I was incapable of anything other than I was able to give because of the choices I had made. I couldn't be a good parent because I was riddled with drugs. I couldn't fight that. I couldn't. I just couldn't be both. You can't be an addict and a good parent, you know. So the choices I made was the best way I could be a parent.
Speaker 1:But that time that you once you got clean, and that time that you spent with your family, no one can ever take that away from you right and that forgiveness that your son gave to you. How did that feel after having that moment of him saying I forgive you?
Speaker 2:It was great, especially when I heard his friend saying we get so proud of you.
Speaker 2:We get so proud of you. I remember wanting 24 for me and then dancing in the parade and he rode his push bike down in the rain with me. When I got down on Front Street and then you had Zachary and Sky at the finish line waiting for me. It was just like my boys. They just loved me. They loved me till I learned to love myself and that was amazing. It's an amazing feeling Because I see so many parents that try to get a relationship if their children have the addiction and the children. It's a hard pill to swallow and a lot of children don't. Yeah, a lot of children find it hard to forgive their parents. Yeah, because we do some damage. We damage our children when we make choices beyond them. We damage them. Yeah, well, I had a mom that shared, showed them that your mom does love you.
Speaker 2:She's just making better choices right now. So I don't know. I don't know, but I was just one of the fortunate ones and my boys just automatically allowed me back into their lives.
Speaker 1:You're absolutely right. I think a lot of times people don't forgive the parent when they're going through that, because people don't understand that addiction is a disease. Right, and yes, you did make the choice to start taking the drugs, but once it takes over your life, it's, it's literally that it takes over your life. And so, um, because we've seen it, most recently with simone biles and her mom trying to come back in her life and one of her siblings being open to it and her not- well on what we see actually, because we don't know for sure, for sure, right.
Speaker 1:But you know, with those things, like you're absolutely right, people go into situations, um, that they have to deal with, to cope with parents who are addicted, and sometimes you're just not as forgiving, especially if you remember certain things, um. So I'm I'm so grateful that you were able to have that with your boys, because you know it could have been a different process post his death rather than where you are now where I am today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly so, after obviously we've we've covered a lot right and um, one of the biggest things that made me want to reach out to you was your advocacy around support when it comes to just mothers who have experienced violence period. Right, not just gun violence, but um, violence period, um, and I think and again I know I said it already, but you've been through enough to not have to advocate. You know what I mean like you could crawl into a ball and no one will fault you for that, right. So where do you find the courage to be an advocate now for community support and trying to end this gun violence or just violence period and this gang culture that we currently have in Bermuda? Where do you find the strength to to do that?
Speaker 2:well, when it happened to Miss Alderbridge and I, um, we looked at each other and we had this like what, what do we do now? Because she was my neighbor and we came up. It's like, where do we go? It's nothing for us. And so we brainstormed and we wanted to start a support group for mothers that have lost their sons to violence. And so we started it and I remember every time it was one I remember sitting down in the hospital like no one understood. It was just Ms Alibria. She knew and I knew.
Speaker 2:But then how about those mothers that sit there? There's no one that can really, because a mother feels completely different A father has. I can't speak on a father, but I'm sure it's just as deep. But I know for me, just being there to let someone else know there's hope was very important to me, because I looked around and I had to find my hope. It was no wonder to tell me it was hope. I looked for my hope and I went to God. So I found hope. But a lot of people don't have that. That goes straight to him. So if I can just be in the presence or just be close by so that I can let someone else know that they're not alone, because that was the most loneliest place to ever be, like I had the utmost support, but not one of those people that supported me had been sitting where I was sitting.
Speaker 2:So, I still felt so alone, and that was one of the hardest things, although I know you want to help, but you haven't been in my shoes.
Speaker 1:You never walked in my shoes, you haven't. So I just wanted want to help, but you haven't been in my shoes. You never walked in my shoes, you haven't. So.
Speaker 2:I just wanted to let someone else know any mother know that you're not alone. No one wants to be. No one signs up to be a member of Mount Bermuda. You know it's not something that, oh, when I grow up no. But it's not something that, oh, when I grow up no. But it's available and with my years of doing the 12-step program, I understood the importance of support and being around like-minded people in this struggle together, and that's what saved my life. So I want to be there for someone else In a similar setting. A wrong grief and loss.
Speaker 1:So you spoke, you mentioned and we talked about it earlier mother's on a mission, mom, and what would you say is one of your most significant or meaningful, I should say, experiences through mom that have helped you in your own healing process?
Speaker 2:Yeah, the mothers that come out. I have an awesome community the mothers that come out. But the most rewarding one was when we first done our Medicaid, and it was 2020. Your clarkie had died and we're no cop match. It was curving. Yes, I wanted to do something just to remember the boys who are on emancipation, just to honor all those that lost their lives to violence. I didn't want this island to forget what is happening and just to bring awareness and for them to remember.
Speaker 2:So we've done this, medicaid and the mothers that came out and their stories and their support, and their stories and their support and just so grateful that we even exist. Yeah.
Speaker 2:It was so rewarding because enough times I wanted to just throw in the towel and say it's not working. But this year, once again, we had one mother that came out. She said she hit me up the morning off. She said God said I'm ready to do it now. What time does the murder case start? And I have been inviting her. She knew about it. But she said she's not ready. And if we do it, if one person gets healed by it, then it's all worth it. So we traveled the whole island, do do do, just remembering all those that have lost their lives to senses. I mean, each one is senses, yeah, senses, yeah. But we also have our support. We have a monthly meeting once a month at CARP, the CARP building, carp office, just for people. If you're ready to come, may I know? Them.
Speaker 2:It's not just for mothers, it's for anyone that has been affected. Yeah, that's it Resist. Violence has taken a toll on you. And we have trained counselors that will be there to help you in this issue, whereas we can't yeah, and that's important.
Speaker 1:Yes, like what would you, I guess, what kind of long-term support um do grieving families, especially moms, need from the community at large? When, after losing a loved one to violence, what would you say that is?
Speaker 2:acknowledgement constant, like acknowledge that it happened to us and let us know that you haven't forgotten us, because we have a whole community out there that this island has forgotten. Like I didn't get nothing anymore from government officials, nobody. What left to deal with this, totally or nothing? Well, you don't get, why not? I'm not asking for, like you said, I'm not asking for pity, I'm just asking for acknowledgement. And if we need support, there's a lot of families that need support, I'm okay, but there's a lot of families that need more than me.
Speaker 2:We can't afford counseling. Counseling is very expensive. We're not even offered free counseling to help us to get back on our feet. We got a handshake, we got a condolence and that's it. And I think that, and I think that's what's hindering a lot of people to heal, because acknowledgement is healing. You know, if you just acknowledge that I'm hurting, it makes a difference.
Speaker 2:If you just acknowledge that the pain that we're feeling is real, it makes a difference. But if no one is acknowledging that, we're just sitting in it and we're hurting and we're getting angrier and we're going deeper and deeper. The deeper we go, it's harder to come out. And not only that, it's harder to be responsible parents to the other children that we have yeah, who are also affected by the death. Who are?
Speaker 1:also affected.
Speaker 2:So it's a domino effect that if we can't heal, our children are not healed. That was one of my main things. I could not destroy Sky and Zachary's life through not healing myself first. They needed to know there's healing. You can get through this that takes an incredible amount of strength?
Speaker 1:Definitely yeah. So I guess, when we're looking forward, right, what are your hopes for Bermuda in terms of addressing gun violence and the impact on families? What is your hope for our country when it comes to what we're dealing with, when it comes to this violence?
Speaker 2:Okay, it might sound far-fetched, but I really believe it's a spiritual warfare. Why? Because we're fighting some demonic spirits. These are good kids that have been overtaken by a spirit that is beyond us. I do believe God makes no mistakes in having kids and bringing kids to this world, and I believe that there is a demonic spirit, that there is a demonic spirit, and until we get a hold on the spirituality of really what is going on in this low island, then we will always constantly be running around in a circle and on a treadmill or on a hamster wheel. It's spiritual, and I think that if everyone can get a spiritual connection with themselves first because that's what happened with me I had to find out who I was spiritually in order for me to walk spiritually and I walked with the devil for many years.
Speaker 2:My thinking, my actions, my thoughts were definitely demonic, because I would not even think about doing that today. Yeah, you know, but because I was in it, it seemed okay, it was acceptable because of the lifestyle I was in, but that was definitely demonic behavior. So I now am walking spiritually in more of light than darkness. My heart goes out to people that think that what they are doing young men and women think that what they're doing is okay. It hurts because they're battered, because they're tapped into a spirit that is controlling them.
Speaker 1:And some of them just don't know any different and some of them just write. Yeah, learned behavior? Yeah, definitely, you know same with me. Lump behavior.
Speaker 2:It was acceptable in my house, alcohol was acceptable, this type of lifestyle was acceptable. So not what's wrong with me? Ain't nothing wrong with me. I'm dead and high. That's my thing. I'm not hurting nobody but myself. What? Are you?
Speaker 2:worrying about me for thing. I'm not hurting nobody but myself. What are you worrying about me for? You know, until I found a power and a spiritual and a personal relationship with my Father, who has showed me the hours of my ways and that there is light and hope and love in everyone. So I do believe it is a spiritual warfare. Yeah, and I don't know how to conquer it. I just know that I have to stay on the path that I'm on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what would you say to anyone who's listening or watching, or however they're viewing the program, who has lost a child or loved one to violence? What would your words of encouragement be to them post that event, or what advice would you give them?
Speaker 2:Don't give up. Do not give up. There's hope, there's support. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone.
Speaker 1:And god, if he woke you up this morning, he has a purpose for you, okay and then a question I ask everyone before they leave the podcast is what do you want to be remembered for, you know, when you're no longer, obviously a very long time from now? Um, when you're no longer on this planet and someone says nicole fox, what do you want them to say about you? What do you want your memory to be once you're no longer with her?
Speaker 2:I've always you know what I've always said I wanted to leave a part. Let me just put this in there. I'm so glad you said that my year is an addiction. I always said I was afraid of one thing and I was dying in addiction Because I never wanted to leave that legacy with my sons. I don't want them to say you know, you know, nikki, she just got high, she OD'd. I don't want them, that's her son. You know the girl that OD'd. I never wanted, even when I was getting high that was still so much forefront. I never wanted to leave that legacy with my boys. So now I want to be known as a good person, good spiritual person.
Speaker 2:I wanted to leave a legacy of. You can get through anything with Christ, with God. I just want to be remembered of letting go and letting God and can't get through any adversity Because we're a family we don't give in, we don't give up Period. I tell my boys that all the time we don't give in and we don't give up period. I tell my boys that all the time we don't give the enemy don't give up, period.
Speaker 1:Yeah on that note, thank you so much.
Speaker 2:I really do appreciate you coming and spending some time with me today. I'm very on it.
Speaker 1:yes, thank you so much. All right, guys, we just had the amazing nicole fox on the podcast today, who gave us an amazing insight into not just what she's dealt with but also her life in its total, and we are so grateful for her for sharing her story with me today. If you want to be a part of Mom Mothers on a Mission, make sure you reach out to Nicole on Facebook. She can definitely give you some additional support and help that you may need to get through the difficult time that you're going through right now, whether it's grieving as a mom, as a parent or as a loved one of someone who has lost someone, to violence here in Bermuda. As always, thank you to our sponsors 59 Front Brown Company, scudamart and the Women's Resource Center. If you would like to visit any of those businesses, please visit their websites, and thank you for spending some time with me today on House of Heart Podcast.
