Fear is a doorway you walk through, not a house you live in. How do you break through the doorway to get past the fears of failure and rejection? The answer is in this podcast through a powerful story of a mentor, key questions and the courage to take the first step.
Fear is a doorway you walk through, not a house you live in. How do you break through the doorway to get past the fears of failure and rejection? The answer is in this podcast through a powerful story of a mentor, key questions and the courage to take the first step.
[0:00] What we're now doing is equipping ourselves with values such as resiliency and persistence and integrity and honesty with which deals with feedback these are all values.
That are in qualities but values expressed that facilitate adaptation.
Agility when the problems come our immune system has gotten stronger to handle the inevitable ups and downs that are coming on unleashing your best in life and work, this is the game changers with Eric bowls and host Dale Dixon walking through the door too.
Better sleep at night welcome to the game changers podcast with Eric bowls Eric is an executive coach a leadership expert chains consultant and keynote speaker I'm your host Dale Dixon, I'm a chief Innovation officer and I help Executives create and deliver clear communication as always Eric great to be with you today.
Great to be with you my friend.
So the Genesis for this conversation is only five minutes old we were having a we were just catching up wide-ranging conversation and you know what's going on in life and you dropped this bomb of a quote from a mentor and I'm going to let you give it because it's your.
[1:22] You are quoting your attribution.
[1:25] About fears about fear yeah you give context to it this was around 2007-2008 for those of you who are who remember that time that was a, a lot of uncertainty during those years you know we've had.
Uncertainty since then but during that time I was a real tough time actually to give contact it was at a time where.
The business I was in which is similar to what I do now but at the time I probably took.
Borrowed let me make it very perfectly clear borrowed I don't know for four hundred thousand dollars at least which was.
Should could have been 40 million different did did not mean that's how much it felt to me and that's what and used it invested in into a company that I was a part of.
Only did see the whole thing just fall apart timing all kinds of variables in the equation probably didn't do the greatest level of due diligence but anyhow went through the process.
[2:29] When everything fell out the bottom you know money gone value of the company gone clients, obviously they're having their own challenges we all remember how difficult the environment was I remember sitting down with a mentor my name nor Lemay and.
And I still to this day I'm so grateful for norm and Norm had just sold.
His is his company in to waste management and for they had very successful.
Refuge business here in the Pacific Northwest where I live some of you if you're from this area you know the Lemay mute car, you know the Norms that that's his family he wrote was his father but anyhow I never get the the council he gave me, the wisdom was priceless I thought I needed money like my father was they often son money isn't your problem wisdom is right Norm came from that same same place so I never forget him sitting with me and we were talking and I was just overwhelmed by multiple levels right, I never forget the line said to me and I've shared with audiences all over the world fear is a doorway you walk through, it is not a house you live in.
[3:53] It's a doorway it's a transition moment but you have to go through it and for me that was so significant because I realized that to get to the other side to get to where I want trying to go to I'm gonna have to run through a doorway I'm gonna have to go through run through not around not a void and I don't have to go through.
Love of fear and for me at the time it was fear of uncertainty because I didn't know what the future had to be very transparent.
Also fear failure did I have what it takes to actually get their fear of being rejected, you know what I'm saying like you know once I get there is it isn't enough I'm embarrassed in so that conversation with Norm for me.
Was such a game changer because you never forget when he said he goes Eric pretending.
[4:45] That the weight of the world isn't on your shoulders does not make it lighter or if you said at some point you're going to have to confront.
[4:55] Your fear you can have to confront this in and I brought it up just now because I will tell you Dale every year every issue every challenge we've gone through since I got to realize that that's part of the equation like fears going to be part of the next step now there's a lot of things I've dealt with since then that probably are not as fearful from a business standpoint right.
We've had some challenges stuff but because I've gotten to through enough of these things any time I feel a little anxiety a little tension it is assigned to actually go forward not to hesitate to go through now don't get me wrong, when you confront what you're afraid of you still have to make a decision or choice that doesn't mean you always go forward I may get good information that gives me a different direction that I should go.
[5:43] But I have to be courageous enough to face whatever that is in the first place and so in a practical way I had to go what's the what am I afraid of what do I need to face what's the conversation was the thing whatever it is now face it and then if I can just face it get through the doorway right it's right I don't have to live there usually when we typically look back and we do the very thing we're afraid of most of time what we say is why did we wait so long I'm thinking about the cycle I'll start with the psychology the importance of walking through the door and the best example that comes to mind immediately is when you're helping someone overcome the fear of public speaking one of the biggest opportunities is to verbalize the fear.
[6:36] Hey I'm really nervous about.
Or I'm scared about and literally say the biggest thing I'm afraid of is and when you say it all of a sudden it's like you steal the power away from it so so dive through the the psychology of that and how do we walk through the door in order to take the power away from Fear.
I love what you just said describing that deal because anything that you don't confront any fear that you have that you don't face it actually grows, it gets bigger because it's not being confronted I always say the biggest on two ways like it's like our fear gets.
[7:17] Uses performance-enhancing drugs like steroids right fear not confronted right fuck is really really strong.
But the strength of that fear isn't real is synthetic it isn't if you confronted if you pull it out of your mind put it on paper say it out loud look at it like that all of a sudden you're it's almost you can face it with a much more objective view of it but when it remains unchallenged and again this completely goes back to jail our conversations we've been having the whole time which is the power of clarity, I always say you know confusion feeds fear, Clarity starves it and so part of the getting Clarity is to confront it is to face it is to identify it right, I used to have and I still do a stair but session I would do with folks and I try to personally go through it again because remember all the stuff in and Dale as you and I have pulled all these before everything we're talking about is because we're all works in progress we're practicing these things as we are our goals are to get better at it but we will always have people do is identify your fears if I asked you right now what are your top three fears and people have all kinds of different answers.
Amber just identifying what they are what are your top three fears.
[8:38] Now I've had a lot going on in my life this year you know when I talk about it bro you know we've had loss of family my daughter.
[8:48] Going to Hodgkin's lymphoma having cancer now by the grace of God we're so grateful for doctors productive medicine positive attitude all the stuff she's now completely cancer-free and doing well but you know if you ask me the question what I was most afraid of this year it was you know being on this planet without my daughter right like that was and I had to say it like that it you know like oh don't think that I know I hear you but I actually had to write down on paper.
What are my biggest fears and I wrote that out.
Like you know in there's a lot of emotion tied to it but it got out of my mind got out of my insides and I put it on paper.
But I didn't leave it like I didn't I didn't just write the fear down and not go through the fear of face it I wrote The Fear down here's her cancer here's this my wife and I we went through it but then the next question I had to ask myself honestly is you know what am I afraid of identified that.
[9:48] Then we went through the process of you know you know worst-case scenario how would we deal with that what is the steps to deal with that what I mean we just went through it as object idli, is possible with the primary purpose of removing the sting out of it like you just got through talking about like and not allowing that fear to become a bully, because it was bullying me now bullying my wife my wife is a she will she was up for the fight right my daughter was up for the fake dog but I had to get.
I had to face the bully which was that fear that irrational 12 because I was hearing not just because I was hearing great news or not no I had to get the, I had to deal with that that that that feeling that fear.
[10:37] Even before we had all the answers like I could I didn't want to you know when they when I think it was best said.
I think it might have been if they are who said The only thing we have to fear is fear itself in the reason is.
The emotion of fear the feeling of fear is so powerful you can suffer emotionally the consequence of something that hasn't even happened yet.
So it was as if I was functioning for a little bit there as if my worst fear had already come to pass.
As if you know now it's like oh no no no no that is not that's not healthy not for my daughter not for anybody else but especially not for me.
You know going through the process and being able to be the support I need it so just confronting it identifying it I would always say is that is that step one I asked leadership team to do this all the time I was like you guys in the room you're talking really vague, you're talking and weight not be clear what are you all in this room most afraid of what are we afraid of when it comes to this decision Identify say it.
Good once it's out there now we can know what the deal was but they pretend like that's not a possibility is you know actually are responsible.
[11:55] So name it.
To face it and that would be the first step through the door yep how do you know when you are living in the House of Fear.
To look back at that quote and what are some of the what are the signs to look for.
What is couple of signs look for one is you just feel like your confidence, you can feel it on the inside of me there's always like saying I always know when I'm living in a state of fear because even my self-respect starts to drop it isn't just confident I don't feel like me I'm I'm indecisive I am I'm tiptoeing there's a passivity that comes or you know or on the flip side if I am aggressive I'm aggressively running from it not towards it right and so again.
If I face it confronted get right in it and then decide to do something different.
[12:54] That is totally a different outcome than if I just ran from it in the first place.
What is things I it was it was, it was heartbreaking when you hear how it was done but the way they would could always determine.
[13:11] When it comes to Buffalo who the lead Buffalo was was it was always the one that faced the danger while the others once fled right and I used to when I first time I heard that heard that from a leader who's you know he's from one of our one of the Indian tribes and he eats huge influence on my life and he would talk about it and then he would always say he's a man there's some times that where.
Even if it.
Turns out and you're going in the direction you want it to go he goes the greater values that you faced a fear not just what the outcome is you go to you have to have moments when you put a stake in the ground you face the danger.
It's so you know that you got what it takes to get through it there are so many and I challenged leaders is off who.
They run from a difficult conversation because of their fear they run from a difficult moment because of their fear and what they lose out on is the two things that with a little on their growth that come from.
But also the fear gets to continue to live in their imagination and that Bowie just keeps getting bigger.
Funny story bill you like this when.
[14:28] Those of you who maybe were listening today what you know I'm not a little guy I'm you know 64 230 pounds at least right and but I remember I grew really late and so.
In elementary school we had a buoy on a you know you know never forget we're in fourth we're in fourth grade he's in sixth grade in our minds he's as big as Shaquille O'Neal right like he always bullied us you on the playground all the in we would talk about it and we would have these incredible strategy sessions these these Breakout Retreats me and my buddies how we were going to finally do something about this bullet right but we could never solve the problem for one reason one reason only.
Somebody had to go first right nope we can decide.
Yeah yeah nobody wants to be the lead Buffalo right so it never got dealt with so we just had to suffer all for great until finally he left and with them you know junior high so anyhow.
[15:34] I remember coming back and look at my second year in the NFL, okay second or 30 in info I'm in the mall in our local mall walking and all I hear is somebody saying Eric Eric.
[15:49] And I turn around and look and I don't see anybody, and the reason I don't see anybody is because I'm looking up I actually had to look down and what I look down at what somebody says I'm sorry man who he told me who he was and guess who was was just six grade bully.
He was my bully right.
Which he seemed like he might not have grown much since sixth grade right that's not but I remember sitting there looking at him and I was like.
In they'll hear it was funny and probably during that time I probably got together with some of my buddies and we talked about like his impact on our lives was so significant that we would laugh about it later.
But none of us had seen him so when I see him and it made me sit there and go I was afraid of you now I didn't say this out loud you know he was like man we were friends he was talking to somebody me and they're like man that we were not friends but clearly afternoon film but the funny part of it Dale is outside of me want to pick him up and just start shaking them.
Was it was the aha moment that I had was in my mind.
[17:02] How big he was but in reality first of all I'm twice as big as he is the other thing is I grown.
[17:12] And sometimes those things we are afraid of a lot of the fears we have.
[17:18] Are not fears based on something that's currently present their fears that we got condition to us years ago.
And sometimes the fear never change but we don't realize we have I'm not grown since then I'm not the same person I was at right I've learned so much yet when the.
Something that when that fear all those things show up again.
I almost become just like I was back then you know what I'm saying almost crowd down almost not and it wasn't until that moment he was such an awesome woman I was like.
How many other things fears do I have still in my head that are functioning like little bullies.
And I'm not the same kid I was did I'm not the same person I wasn't hopefully that makes some sense had good luck.
[18:05] I love to say there.
Are the stories we tell ourselves and there is reality and there's a massive Chasm between the two most of the time yes I heard from a guy I admire so much on online.
His name is Maya I'm sorry forget I remember his last name when it comes in but he's great and and he goes He describes it he goes you know how we go we all deal with facts.
But the facts that we deal with how we deal with them is by Framing them.
Like this they're always frames just like a photo right there we frame them in the frame creates the focus so if the frame around the fact, is based on fear or doubt that you look at the picture differently than if you fraying the fact with faith or confidence in the it real but the frame being really is up to us like we influence that so this is why I leaders at Eric we got this problem this problem how do we deal with that I'm like well we're going to do two things we're going to do with that we're also going to do with.
[19:15] How you come into it like your perception how you frame it in the first place matters because it dictates what we end up doing with it you don't just okay we're just going to objectively do it you're not objectively viewing it right like this is what you want I talk about high performers and low performers rarely is the difference competency.
[19:36] Really times the difference is how they frame it do they frame the problem surround it with some Faith or do they frame the problem surrounded with some fear or doubt.
[19:48] That is deep and so so helpful in getting through the door through the door and not not living in that space you have given us some amazing tools to to do just that to walk through the door of fear hopefully that, proves the sleep at night for folks as we started off this podcast and you are finding some relief and something that's going to say hey I have addressed the fear, I know what.
[20:22] Because it's the plan and it's really the plan that comes out of it that's it that's it one of the things too that helped me to is you know.
[20:32] We got a function by probabilities and we don't do that enough right in the reality is.
[20:38] At least this is what they said but then but 90-95 percent of all the fears of all the things that we fear, it had never happened to us and you know it in if the five percent of the things that can happen to us do we have the capability of getting Beyond it, you know I'm saying we could we can solve that problem and so is just not allowing.
[21:00] We spent so much time on the problem that isn't versus the problem that is we spend so much time on fearing something that you know is like hey deal with it when it's in front of you biblically it says why do you worry about tomorrow, today has enough in itself basic that saying you got enough things within your hands that you can actually control why are you worried about that and this is why when I ask people I mean tell me what you're afraid of and they do and then I ask them well is that something you can do something about.
[21:30] In the reality is there's a lot of things that are we closer to home that if you were to do something about.
It would even diminish your fear of whatever it is you're describing you don't say it like there are so many things we have far more control over but we spent way so much emotional energy time fears expensive right there's a cost to it.
And so one of the things that we want to do is make sure that fear isn't costing us energy and resources.
That we could use solving problems or dealing with issues that are close to home versus.
Zero impact on things we can do nothing about yet we're seeing in there you know completely consumed by and other thing last point I'll make on this if remember fear is contagious.
It's contagious none of us were born with feared only really they said only thing we were born with it when we only had two fears may be loud noises and fear falling every other fear has been learned.
In many of the fears that I have aren't even my own they've been borrowed somebody gave me theirs and so it's very important that we get to a point where we try to be as objective as possible what am I actually for I'm are you say all the time and I am fear I'm so afraid of being broke like object poverty have you ever been impoverished have your well no okay the probability of you ever truly getting there is not high.
[22:56] So where did you get it from well my father.
[23:00] You know it would who passed away my father passed away is 91 years old so when he lived through stepfather when he lived through where there's the depression all of our you know if I ask for a dollar or something he could but I mean he give it to me but he wouldn't let it go real fast like it will hold right it's like yanking it out of his hand the stories that we hear like I never experienced it but those stories were shared in such real ways that, all of a sudden I realized I started taking on these experiences that weren't my own and I just always ask people like hey learn from other people's experiences and learn from but be careful of allowing those fears to become your own I can learn the lessons, I don't need to take on the field I had a mentor that led me through a similar exercise that was really brought such Clarity for me in that he literally went to a whiteboard as we were talking through some of the fears and he drew three concentric circles the center circle is what can I control the middle circle was where do I have influence and the outside circle is I have no control or influence.
[24:08] And so where are you know if you think about that like a bull's-eye where are your fears in those circles and, if you have no control and no influence why should that be a fear why are you telling yourself stories around this the you know the opportunities are really in this area of control what can I control yes that's walking through the door how do we make the plan to get there so it's that was super helpful visual for being and leading through what you just said as we wrap up though I think it's super important that we talk about values this is one of the things that you you talked about before we hit the record button today and that's as we are dealing and living in this world of uncertainty and you said our Horizons are shorter the because we're not we're not making ten-year plans we're making one year plans, but as we're working to make decisions in those shortened time frames you said, we have to lock into values so I want you to unpack that for the listeners yeah for context one of the fears from the business standpoint that a lot of us are dealing with right now is dealing with this fear of uncertainty, now certain things and the reason is the ground underneath us.
[25:29] Is not as stable as it once was right and so some of our uncertainty is just hey man I know we don't have this goodness funny so before we used to if we remember everybody had this Vision 2020 right everybody a vision but they were doing that until.
[25:43] You know 2010 to 2011 2012.
I'm not running into too many organizations right now who's had envisioned 2030 right because they're like it's hard to see that far so the horizons have gotten shorter so now what you're finding out is companies large organizations I looking maybe two years old maybe three years out at the most you know that's on the high end so what they're doing instead is they understand there frequency of huddling up is going up because we're going to probably have to course correct so instead of equipping ourselves through this long-term destination.
[26:21] What we're now doing is equipping ourselves with values such as resiliency and persistence and integrity and honesty with which deals with feedback these are all values that are in qualities but values expressed that facilitate adaptational agility eat when the problems come our ability I like to call it our our immune system has gotten stronger to handle the inevitable ups and downs that are coming on so those values when the organization's now is not about some words written on a wall or this rock.
They have to be expressed by what we do so you know in an organization said one of our primary values is do the right thing and you know I was like okay but what does that look like expressed what does that look like in real time that sounds good one organization says.
[27:13] One of our top values is integrity you know now it's like I love it.
But I need to know what does that look like expressed behaviourally and reason that is so important there are some values that we have that are that are values that, lead to action for that come up and then there's other values that you only really value it.
When it's not there like you know I like people who say Integrity but I'm always asking deeper questions the Integrity of one of those things you almost don't even recognize until it's not there and so how do we use our values to make sure they're moving us for because what we're going after is likely to change that's, the world we're in so you know before used to be.
You know we're this topping company because we have this high-end product well no now we're going to start being I'm gonna wear this topping company because we got high end people who can figure out how to make things happen.
That is a different driver and so really understanding this and driving the horizons of gotten shorter that means values are even more important.
[28:27] Since our Horizons have gotten shorter the values have to be even more important they have to be expressed behaviourally not just on the things we write on the wall, yeah it's that expression behaviorally that is so important what does it look like because otherwise it is it's just a motivational poster on a wall man bra and I will tell you it the intentions aren't that everybody really leans in but they usually view there's there's a way of being this is who we want to be.
But to be that you got to go a couple other steps I still leads to what you're going to do.
[29:05] To express that so you know I can say my number one values my family at some point there has to be an expression of action.
[29:15] Because I personally know it but for my family for others to truly know that's the case.
There has to be an action doing that expresses them many companies stop before they get to the what does this look like expressed in action where others don't even need to know what's written on the wall when they see it on the wall it makes sense are like oh clearly yeah could we seen how they behave or they see what they do that is the gap we're trying to close that what it says on the board and then what we practice and trying to close that Gap but the focus has to be on the expression of it has to be.
You gave I believe it was the first or second podcast of this this season season 2.
You gave us an exercise that was truly transformative and that was to have those closest to you.
[30:08] Tell you what your values are yes that's how you know that that's what you're expressing because it's the behaviors they see where they're able to say the value so that was if you go want to go back and listen to that episode that was a powerful tool you gave to figure out exactly what behaviors.
[30:25] Are you expressing your values through which are experiencing expressing your values so thank you for that.
Yes sir anything else any other final words.
No just again like I say every single time we're works-in-progress progression not Perfection so everything we're doing is with a goal of constantly.
Improve it right and so sometimes even in are progressing and inventory Improvement sometimes the feedback and make it feel like we took two or three steps backwards know we took two or three steps backwards to get clearer okay in the clear we got now we can.
Create a different level momentum get a little bit of a running start to make the next leap and you know and again one of the things I just hope everybody remembers is remember fear.
The doorway you.
Not a house you live in so we you know we want the feedback we want to live more in alignment with our values weren't usually to think that diminishes all that is fear.
We just sometimes we hold back we hesitate instead of moving in the direction that we have at work.
[31:31] Awesome thank you for that if you want to learn more about Eric you can find him online at the game changers Inc dot-com that's his website you can also find him on LinkedIn we would really appreciate a rating and a review of this podcast in your favorite podcast playing a.
If you would just go in and give us five stars hopefully we've earned that from you today the way we've changed and improved your sleep the very beginning the.
With less to be fearful of the rating helps in that it actually helps people who are looking for leadership podcasts.
[32:10] So we would appreciate the rating and review definitely share the episode with someone who you believe it would help and we appreciate your time have a fantastic.
[32:21] The game changers unleashing your best in life and work with Eric Bowles and Dale Dixon.
Eric is an executive coach leadership expert change consultant and keynote speaker.
Read his book Moving to great and find him at Eric bowls.com connect with Dale at Dale Dixon media.com.
[32:40] Music.