Your Circle of Control

Welcome to another episode of Game Changers, where we explore the strategies, mindsets, and actions that can truly transform our lives. In this episode, Dale and Eric Boles dive deep into the concept of focusing on what we can control to achieve our goals, particularly when it comes to relationships and personal development. 

 [00:02:28] Focus on problems within our control. 

 [00:04:50] Contributing factors not determining. Powerful question influence, ignore obstacles. 

 [00:08:35] Identify trust obstacles, behaviors blocking goal. 

 [00:12:04] Focus on areas of control, increase empowerment. 

 [00:17:11] Discipline, date nights, vacations: Control your involvement. 

 [00:20:17] Focus on what you can control. 

 [00:22:14] Focus on what you can control. 

 [00:26:25] Control, leverage, focus, question, debate, factor, determine. 

 [00:29:23] Focus on what you can control. 

Transcript

Eric Boles [00:00:00]:

How do we make the things we can control? Like how do we make sure we're leveraging? How do we make sure that there's simple questions that help clarify or make sure we're focusing on the right thing? That's why the question again is so powerful, is that something we can fully control?

Open [00:00:23]:

Unleashing your best in life and work. This is the Game Changers with Eric Bowles and host Dale Dixon focusing on.

Dale Dixon [00:00:31]:

What you can control to unleash your best in life and work. Welcome to the Game Changers Podcast. Hey, I'm your host Dale Dixon. I help leaders be their best on stage and in front of the camera. I'm also the Chief Innovation Officer for a Better Business Bureau. Eric Bowles. On the other side of the camera from me, coaches, trains and inspires leaders to unleash their potential and the potential of those around them. Eric, great to be with you today.

Eric Boles [00:00:57]:

Great to be back with you, my man.

Dale Dixon [00:01:00]:

So you dropped this nugget as an idea for the podcast, What We Can Control. It immediately brought me back to one of those seminal moments with a mentor of mine, probably close to 20 years ago when he sat me down in front of a whiteboard. He drew three concentric circles on the whiteboard at the center, like a bullseye, he wrote control. In the next circle out, he wrote influence. And then on the outside circle he wrote interest. And then he broke it down. What do you control? What can you influence and where do you just have interest but no control and no influence? And the conversation that took place after that really just set a course and changed a way of thinking. So when you talk about control and focusing on what we can control, I think especially in these times between what's happening in a news cycle 24/7 that can always take our attention to just bright, shiny object syndrome, to chasing whatever the latest fad is, you name it.

Dale Dixon [00:02:14]:

Our attention is a hot commodity and people and things are after it constantly. So focusing on this control idea is a big one. What are you thinking about it?

Eric Boles [00:02:28]:

Actually what you just said is the great challenge because not only because of the news cycle or the amount of information we get, or we have such strong opinions that many times when you have a strong opinion about something, it gives the illusion that you can do something about something. Right? And so fighting against on both end, I like to say it this way, that we have a tendency to instead of solving the problem that is, we typically focus on the problem that isn't, if that makes any sense. And so one of the things that I think is a great question to just ask of ourselves, but in the areas we influence is, is this an obstacle that we can do something about? Another way of saying that is is this a determining factor is where the X marks the spot or is it a contributing factor? And I like what you said about interest and influence. There's things we can influence, there's things we are interested in, but we definitely want to make sure the areas that we can control, we do start there because we want the greatest return for our efforts. And sometimes I shared them with you earlier, working with a company here recently as we're doing their planning and goal setting and vision casting and the plans they have for 2024 and they were so clear on what their goals were, then we got really clear on all the benefits that come from the goal. Then when soon as we move to the big question, which is what are the obstacles in between us and the goal? People can come with a big list and they did. But then we asked a bigger question, which is, but of these obstacles, which are the obstacles that we have complete control over? Now that was a big deal because now it allowed us or it caused us to focus on our efforts, on the problems we can actually do something about which gives even greater return. Now, are there other things that we can influence? Yes, but there's other influences on that that are outside of our control.

Eric Boles [00:04:50]:

So they're contributing factors to the results, but not determining factors. And so we were able to really lock on to the determining factor. What was fun though, I got to tell you, Dale, is just how powerful that simple question, what it changed even how people were answering the question, especially if you deal with those who may be in a business situation, small business, big business, whatever the case can be. But let's say you're in a business and private equity is part of your ownership group. Or let's say there's other influencers and you're like, well, this is what we want to do, but we have them over here who can say yay or nay to what we're trying to do. And that is true, which I would consider a contributing factor. But what happens sometimes is we have something that can influence us from a distance and it's so easy to say that's what's stopping us. And we completely ignore the very things that are right in front of us that are probably a bigger reason why we're not either reaching our goal or if we don't solve it, will definitely lengthen the time for us to accomplish that goal.

Eric Boles [00:06:04]:

So that simple question what are the obstacles that we have control over or what are the things we have full control over that can prevent us from reaching where we're trying to go?

Dale Dixon [00:06:14]:

So when you talk about goals, I'm assuming you're talking about the smart goals, that they are specific, they're measurable, I think it's attainable, realistic and time bound. But let's go through that process and make sure we get the questions clarified around identifying the obstacles. Once we get the goals set, we identify the obstacles, you said, and then we ask the questions about what would be contributing or actually determining factors in the obstacles to achieving those goals.

Eric Boles [00:06:50]:

Yeah. So a simple way of saying it is one of the obstacles you can control that keep you from moving towards the goal. That's how you ask it individually. Collectively, we just substitute the word we instead of you. But what that does is it allows us to focus on the determining factors, not just the contributing factors. Right. So we get down to the root. What are the obstacles that can stop us, that can really impede our progress, but we're only placing our efforts on the ones we have complete control of because if we don't start there, we typically bring up a whole lot of obstacles.

Eric Boles [00:07:34]:

And people do that. Like we bring up these are our obstacles and they even come up with the solutions. But when you started digging into the actual solutions of them, the people usually in the room or around, we start realizing we can contribute to solving these problems, but we can't necessarily determine that these problems get solved. And so what that does is that blinds us. We use energy on an area that probably not where we should start. We want to start where we have what are the most determining factors, the actual obstacles we have full control over. And not only obstacles, because there's some things for instance, people come together and say one of our obstacles to getting to our goal is we have an issue with trust. There's a lack of trust between our team and that is good, that, oh, we want to build trust, but what we want to focus on is not the actual feelings but the actual behaviors.

Eric Boles [00:08:35]:

So it's not enough to just identify the obstacles we have control over. What we want to do is identify the obstacles that we have control over around trust. So what is a result of the lack of trust? What's in the way? So now because we lack trust, what ends up happening is we don't have the full conversations that are necessary, then identify that being the obstacle. Not that we just have a trust issue that's so broad. We want what are all the things that what are the behaviors that block us from reaching our goal? Because trust is an issue. So we want to really get down to not just feelings, but to actual behaviors. That's like saying, hey, I have challenge with my health. So what I need to do is I need to really get in shape.

Eric Boles [00:09:31]:

What's the obstacle of that? I just don't feel like it or I'm just okay, so what's the goal? To start feeling like it no, that's not concrete enough. The goal is I need to get up at 06:00 every morning. It's just saying that this was up. I'm going to lay out what I'm going to work out here's the routine. No, I'm not going to feel like it at first that feelings have nothing to do with it. I need to identify the behavior. The actual solution must be a behavior that leads to that. So what it does is it allows people, teams even to identify the problem that is versus the problem.

Eric Boles [00:10:07]:

That isn't so easy to stay very vague in general even when we identify obstacles. Because if they don't cause us to actually do something different we will never get something different. Right. Change has more to do with something we do different in our daily routine. If we can do that it makes all the difference in the world.

Dale Dixon [00:10:34]:

So let's talk about the refining properties of this exercise in refining the goal. I mean do you see the goals being refined through this when you work with teams?

Eric Boles [00:10:48]:

Yeah, absolutely. But we begin dale with placing our focus where we have control. That's a big deal. But also by the time we get to that point we've already established where we want to go in the first place. You know what I'm saying? The goal has already been described, discussed. This is our ideal, this is where we end up. But we just want to make sure all of our efforts are tied to, and I call it high leverage activities. Solving problems that you have control over is a high leverage activity.

Eric Boles [00:11:26]:

Solving problems that you don't have a lot of control over is a low, is a very low leverage activity. Coming up with obstacles that are just random, that have nothing to do with you getting to your goal is a low leverage activity. So this isn't just coming up with obstacles to have obstacles. No. We want to identify those vital few things that can get in the way of where we want to go. So we want to make sure our goal is clear. We want to make sure the benefits are clear. We also want to make sure our obstacles ones we have control are crystal clear.

Eric Boles [00:12:04]:

Why? Because the one thing we don't have a limited amount of is energy. And so when we talk about control, one reason we want to make sure we're putting our focus on the areas we have control over is the reality is our sense of empowerment goes up. Have you ever noticed that stress and control have an inverse relationship? So any area of my life when I don't have a sense of control my stress level is higher. So the fact that I have to accomplish a goal or I'm acquired to conquer goal and I feel no sense of control of what I can do to actually get there, man, that is a miserable place to live. And so if we go through the process the correct way I will at least be able to identify what I can actually impact. And once you get there your confidence starts going up. When I use the example from a personal standpoint about where do I have control, my goal is to have a much greater marriage between my wife and I. If I have to break it down to where I have the most control, well, where I have the most control is me.

Eric Boles [00:13:23]:

How do I improve as a husband? The improvement of the marriage is going to be a secondary byproduct why? Because my wife is a major contributing factor in that what I can influence, not necessarily control. So when I get down to what I can actually do, what are the obstacles that are in the way of that? She's helped with some of that feedback, some of the obstacles we discovered with feedback, but other obstacles I know. Some of my own discipline, or lack thereof, my attention to detail, my ability to communicate, all those things. Those sound really great. Oh yeah, I communicate better, but it needs to be concrete. So me communicating better? No, what I really need to do is communicate comes out of our quality time together. So here's our date nights every week. Here's the kind of time I want to commit daily that I can give her.

Eric Boles [00:14:17]:

Here's the thing that now I commit to that. Again, contributing factor is Cindy's willingness to participate. All that. I get all that. But the determining factor is I can control my calendar. I can put that stuff on, I can control my attention. And the reason I talk about control in such a strong way, Dale, is when people are assessed and evaluated in terms of their strengths and their weaknesses. One of the top weaknesses that most people point out, or let me flip that what's usually not on their area of strength is high levels of self control.

Eric Boles [00:14:55]:

That's rarely where people say what's one of your greatest strengths? Oh, self control. That almost never happens. What does happen though, is they usually say an area of weakness is discipline. Well, self discipline and self control are pretty much I mean, that's synonymous. And the best way to have self discipline is self control. And the best way to have self control, I said this many times before, is to have attention control. And so I need to control where my attention goes. So I want to make sure where I invest my attention is in the stuff that I can actually influence.

Eric Boles [00:15:31]:

And that's why I call that the key to it's, a determining factor. I can make sure I control my attention, my energy with my life when I have at this time, on this day, because I got to go by calendars, it works for me. But my time with my wife is intentional. I got to be reminded daily this is what I do, this is where I check in. My goal is I have this rule called one one where my goal is to an hour a day. I know that's the ideal, it doesn't mean it happens. It just means I intentionally want to give an hour a day undivided time to my wife. She may not want that hour, right, but that's what I continue.

Eric Boles [00:16:16]:

But once a week, there's a date. Once a quarter, we try to have a getaway. Once a week, we have a year long trip. And I realized that's a determining factor, that's an obstacle I can control, okay? I can't always control.

Dale Dixon [00:16:32]:

I don't think you just made a Freudian slip. It's once a year, you have a week long trip.

Eric Boles [00:16:37]:

Oh, yeah. Once a year, I have a week long trip. Yeah, once a year, week long trip. So when I say one, one is 1 hour a day, one date a week, one getaway a quarter, which is like overnight or something, and then one week a year. So that's how that is broken down. Now, the reason this is such a big deal is I can control that. I can control my intention. I control my attention.

Eric Boles [00:17:11]:

Now, there are times my wife may not feel like being around me for an hour that day, but here's what I have discovered. If I get the daily discipline right, then the date night during the week, it can't make up for what gets missed daily, and then the quarter trip can't make up for the week, the dates. And I definitely can't try to make up for that big vacation once a year to make up for the fact that I did nothing the rest of the year, right? I bring this up because that's an obstacle I can actually control. Like, if the solution is, oh, we just have a really big vacation once a year, well, something can happen where that vacation doesn't take place, but the vacation is not as important if I had those daily involvements taking place. So I know hopefully I'm not all over the place and people are following where I'm going. But my primary focus, no matter what the goal is, is focusing on determining factors, and that's dictated by focusing on the obstacles that I actually have control over and then coming up with solutions for those.

Dale Dixon [00:18:34]:

And it makes me think back to our episode last week where we talked about finishing strong, and it's focusing on the little things, doing the little things, right? And what you just explained is you've built a process and you're focusing on the little things. It's 1 hour a day. It's one date a week. It's one overnight a quarter, and then one week a year. That's a build up. And if the stuff it's a foundation. It's foundational. And if the foundation isn't built in those first ones, then the rest of it's going to fall apart.

Dale Dixon [00:19:12]:

So it's focusing on those little things, finishing strong. If you haven't listened to the podcast, go back. And last week's was fantastic for that part, but this builds on that process.

Eric Boles [00:19:23]:

We talked through it does. Dale and again. For me personally, my confidence grows when I'm working on things I know I can control, because there's so many areas of our lives that we don't necessarily have a lot we have complete control over. And I say often I mentioned it a little earlier that if you want to evaluate the areas I stress out the most around are usually areas that I don't have control over. I'm involved, they impact me. I might have a huge level of responsibility. Like I say, I might be ridiculously in charge, but I'm not ridiculously in control. And that's a tough position to be in.

Eric Boles [00:20:17]:

But what's even tougher is in the absence of asking the question, what are the obstacles I have control over? You will spend a lot of your attention, currents, your energy on things that won't give you a great return because there's too many other variables in the equation. Me and you had this conversation once before, but this is like when you see a sports team and a team is sitting around and in order for us to win, or it's dictated by how the referees call the game, or it's dictated by how bad the other team plays or whatever. Those are not great variables to be depending on for your success. Now, it doesn't mean it won't contribute. It doesn't mean it can't help. But where do we have the most control over? And that is the things that we can do. Our ability to execute, our ability to make play to the best of our ability. Sometimes the opponent we're playing against is just better, but at least we didn't beat ourselves.

Eric Boles [00:21:31]:

So we are doing the things that we fully have control over to the very best, our ability, and then trust that at work. That's why certain companies I do work with, and they look at all their assets, and I'm like, no, you guys got great assets. You take care of your people. You do little things, but little things matter, such as, man, you can control your people putting a smile on their face, at least encouraging them in terms of creating a greater exceptional guest experience. I mean, it's amazing how little things like that make such a big difference. And you can control that. I don't care what anybody says. You can give away a smile, right? You can say things like, thank you.

Eric Boles [00:22:14]:

You can say things like, I appreciate you guys coming when you leave, but if you do not place emphasis on that, you end up putting emphasis on a whole lot of other things that you can't fully determine. Like, some of this stuff is dictated by forces so far outside of your control. So what are the things that we have fully in our control, and that is us and our attitude and our effort? Then put your focus there. I mean, I sit in enough of these meetings that people sound so smart, and I get it. They are incredibly smart. I mean, there are some brilliant, brilliant minds out there and brilliant people. But if you really listen carefully, they spent two days talking about talking about things that a lot of moving parts have to go right for your outcome to work in your favor based on what you were just talking about, right? And you skipped over all the things that are actually in your control and you didn't even give it that kind of focus like you should. We take the things in our control so much for granted and then we turn around and are dependent on all kinds of variables that are way beyond us.

Eric Boles [00:23:34]:

You heard me, Dale. You and I talk about it, but the simple thing, we're always talking about the importance of communication and clarity and stuff. But I love George Bernard Shaw's quote about communication, which is the problem with communication is the illusion that it's actually taken place. Right, and that is a great quote, but is so true in terms of controlling factors. That is a determining factor to success, is the clarity by which we communicate the things that we can do. But it's one of the biggest obstacles companies have. But it's one of the few obstacles they do something about, right? They skip that and go into all these other things that I mean, anyhow.

Dale Dixon [00:24:25]:

Not to it sounds better. It sounds better to work on the other stuff where it is just a contributing factor and not those small things. And is that our drive to make things complex? Because a lot of what I'm hearing you say is it's getting us back to what's the simple things, those things that we can control.

Eric Boles [00:24:51]:

Right, dale, it is the simple things. Like I tell you, there's a couple of gentlemen that I spent time with in the last month and a half. I'm going to actually be with one gentleman name you'll love. This name is Rusty Rush. His company, Rush Enterprises, is one of the largest man truck dealership. They own some of the number of truck dealerships he owns or the group owns. But more importantly, it's family business, been out in a long time. I think at some point the 2020 5% worth of all the Peterbilts built go through his dealerships.

Eric Boles [00:25:42]:

Right? Yeah, it's significant. But he keeps things so clear. I mean, it doesn't mean the business remains simple, but he keeps himself simple. Right, and that is such a significant detail, but it's keeping the simple things simple. We just believe as things grow, all of a sudden they have to be complicated. No, the business gets complicated anyways. Like any, with growth comes complication. But the principles by which you built that growth are allowed to remain simple and more importantly, should remain simple.

Eric Boles [00:26:25]:

Anything else is a mistake. I mean, there's just no getting around that. And so one of the things that I like to say we're always working on, but one of the things we're always pushing for is how do we make the things we can control? How do we make sure we're leveraging that? How do we make sure that there are simple questions that help clarify or make sure we're focusing on the right thing? That's why the question, again, is so powerful. It's fun to sit in a room and watch a group and hold each other accountable by asking questions like, is that something we can fully control? And then to hear the group debate it and then find out, I think we can. Okay, great. Since we can, let's lean into it. Or on the flip side, it's a determining factor, but it's a factor. But it's not a determining factor.

Eric Boles [00:27:26]:

It's a contributing factor. So guess what? We're not going to put the same amount of time on that as we can put on this that we could actually do something about. It literally helps guide where their energy and stuff is going. And everybody has the freedom to ask that question, and it needs to be asked because we get caught up in feeling smart or being smart. What they say is the problem with opinions, right? Everybody has one, but more importantly, no one. Everybody who has an opinion. We feel much stronger about the right to have an opinion than whether or not our opinion is actually right. It's the right to an opinion that takes over, right?

Dale Dixon [00:28:10]:

That might be a whole nother podcast. All right, so let's take this home. We're coming to an end as far as time is concerned. But the biggest call out of this, it's really a simple one step process. You set the goal, and then you ask, what are the obstacles? Identify what are contributing factors in overcoming those obstacles, and then what are determining factors in overcoming those obstacles and go to work leveraging the determining factor.

Eric Boles [00:28:45]:

That's it. And what's so powerful about doing that is the discussion. It'll give you a sense of control. It gives you a sense of power. And the indicator of this is you'll feel your sense of empowerment go up and your anxiety go down. Because immediately I'm working on something we can do something about. There's just something that happens to us when we know we're focused on something we can do something about. Now, here's what's big.

Eric Boles [00:29:23]:

Sometimes we're working on a goal or a task that's so much bigger than us, and people say, well, what do you do? Focus on what you can do something about. So when you hear stuff, how do you eat an elephant one bite at a time? Like, how do you cross the Sahara one step at a time. Why? Because the one step is something I control. The one bite is something I can control. The one thing. And so our goal isn't to diminish the size or the scope of what we're trying to go after or the goal, but we still got to start in the same place and the beautiful thing of beginning it or working on the things you have full control over. You don't know when the big moment or the compound effect or the big play kicks in. That's what people don't get.

Eric Boles [00:30:11]:

You don't know. So I keep hitting this rock that I want to break and I swear I'm doing nothing. No, you don't know that. You swing one more time and next you know, the rock splits in half and you're like, I can't believe you hit that rock and you split the rock. No, I've hit it 100 times. I just didn't know when that magic number was. But I can control putting a good swing on it. And this is the focus, the idea that we want people to lock onto.

Dale Dixon [00:30:40]:

My biggest takeaway is that inverse effect of control and anxiety that is huge in so many applications in life, in so many areas of life. Those are some fantastic things for us to walk away with, to focus on what we and areas where we do have control. Here's one thing you have control over as a listener, you can click the like button on this. You can provide a five star rating. You could key in a couple of words about how this podcast influences you as a review on your favorite podcasting app and you could hit the subscribe button. Any or all of those would be greatly appreciated. On our end, you can always contact reach out and make contact with Eric. His website is the gamechangersllc.com.

Dale Dixon [00:31:39]:

I'm at Dale Dixonmedia.com, we would love to hear from you. You can also find us on LinkedIn.

Eric Boles [00:31:45]:

I want to thoroughly ask yeah, Dale I want to make sure that I want them to lock on there. It's the gamechangers inc thegamechangersinc.com thank you for that correction.

Dale Dixon [00:31:57]:

The gamechangersinc.com, not LLC. I don't know where I got LLC.

Eric Boles [00:32:02]:

It looks like it incllc close.

Dale Dixon [00:32:07]:

Okay, I need the glasses on thegamechangersinc.com no question there is where you can reach Eric. So Eric, thank you so much and we will talk to you next week.

Eric Boles [00:32:21]:

Okay, my brother, appreciate you.

Open [00:32:23]:

The game changers. Unleashing your best in life and work with Eric Bowles and Dale Dixon. Eric is an executive coach, leadership expert, change consultant and keynote speaker. Read his book Moving to Great and find him@ericboles.com connect with Dale@daledixonmedia.com.