WEBVTT 00:00:35.460 --> 00:00:37.699 Hello, welcome to Sexual Heroes. 00:00:37.780 --> 00:00:45.619 And today I have Hades Haileah, also known as Hades Amun Ra. 00:00:45.859 --> 00:00:46.579 Is that right? 00:00:46.899 --> 00:00:50.899 Yeah, that's Amun Ra and also known as the PUP Hades. 00:00:51.700 --> 00:00:57.859 Hades is a photographer, content creator, community advocate, and title holder, serving as Mr. 00:00:58.099 --> 00:00:58.340 Mr. 00:00:58.500 --> 00:00:59.939 Kink2026. 00:01:00.420 --> 00:01:12.900 Hades is a passionate educator and advocate dedicated to fostering safer, more inclusive spaces through conversations about consent, diversity, mental health, and community accountability. 00:01:13.140 --> 00:01:25.939 His work frequently highlights the experiences of kinky, queer people of color, encouraging others to embrace their identities unapologetically and build meaningful connections through vulnerability and storytelling. 00:01:26.259 --> 00:01:26.819 As Mr. 00:01:27.140 --> 00:01:27.379 Mr. 00:01:27.460 --> 00:01:36.259 Kink 2026, Hades champions the title's core values of education, mentorship, outreach, advocacy, and kink visibility. 00:01:36.420 --> 00:01:51.379 Through fundraising, community events, educational programming, and creative projects, he works to strengthen and uplift the leather and kink communities while supporting organizations that promote health, wellness, and equality. 00:01:52.260 --> 00:01:53.379 That's all. 00:01:54.980 --> 00:01:57.060 And that is why you're here today. 00:01:57.379 --> 00:01:58.019 Yes. 00:01:58.260 --> 00:01:59.299 I'm excited to be here. 00:01:59.379 --> 00:02:00.260 Thank you so much for having me. 00:02:00.420 --> 00:02:00.900 I'm excited. 00:02:00.980 --> 00:02:04.340 And I'm a little bit nervous about this because I haven't done a podcast interview in a while. 00:02:04.420 --> 00:02:05.379 So bear with me. 00:02:05.539 --> 00:02:05.859 Okay. 00:02:06.260 --> 00:02:07.780 We'll we'll get through it together. 00:02:08.019 --> 00:02:09.939 My audience needs to bear with me. 00:02:10.819 --> 00:02:12.579 You and I are friends, right? 00:02:12.900 --> 00:02:13.539 Yes. 00:02:13.939 --> 00:02:16.019 Yes, recent friends, but friends. 00:02:16.259 --> 00:02:16.500 Okay. 00:02:16.579 --> 00:02:18.659 That would have been awkward if you said no. 00:02:20.259 --> 00:02:21.379 No, I don't know you. 00:02:21.539 --> 00:02:22.420 This is weird. 00:02:23.060 --> 00:02:25.620 We've known each other probably for about six months. 00:02:25.939 --> 00:02:26.259 Right. 00:02:26.420 --> 00:02:26.659 Yep. 00:02:26.740 --> 00:02:27.459 Yeah, just about. 00:02:28.259 --> 00:02:34.579 Because I think the commonality that brought us together was our both of our our interest in the in putt-play. 00:02:34.819 --> 00:02:36.500 And yes. 00:02:36.740 --> 00:02:44.180 I was trying to think of like I was trying to remember because I have the memory of a goldfish, but I was like, where did we meet? 00:02:44.259 --> 00:02:48.180 And it was it was it was gay pride in Palm Springs. 00:02:48.340 --> 00:02:49.939 That's where we initially met. 00:02:50.580 --> 00:02:51.780 I was trying to remember. 00:02:52.659 --> 00:02:53.620 Okay, right. 00:02:53.939 --> 00:02:56.259 I was like, who is this sexy pup? 00:02:56.419 --> 00:02:58.500 Like, I have not seen this person around. 00:02:58.740 --> 00:02:58.900 Right. 00:02:59.060 --> 00:03:02.419 And then I hardcore flirted flirted and it didn't go anywhere. 00:03:02.580 --> 00:03:05.859 So, you know, I'm I'm glad that we're friends at least. 00:03:06.180 --> 00:03:15.300 Okay, well, I I do want to confess to something, and this happens when I'm researching guests from time to time who are content creators. 00:03:15.460 --> 00:03:22.419 I was looking over your content, and I was looking at you in your hubby having sex. 00:03:22.740 --> 00:03:26.659 Oh, and I I may have accidentally masturbated. 00:03:27.139 --> 00:03:27.939 Oh, okay. 00:03:28.180 --> 00:03:28.979 Accidentally. 00:03:29.300 --> 00:03:31.139 As long as it was by accident. 00:03:31.939 --> 00:03:33.139 You know what's so funny? 00:03:33.379 --> 00:03:41.379 I have people that will message me and they're like, oh, I was scrolling through blue sky and I started jerking off to this point, and then I realized it was you. 00:03:41.460 --> 00:03:46.340 And I was like, Oh, so you were accidentally like you didn't go fine, you know. 00:03:46.819 --> 00:03:49.379 Well, this wasn't quite an incident, I guess. 00:03:50.419 --> 00:03:51.300 Uh it's okay. 00:03:51.460 --> 00:03:52.259 I'm here for it. 00:03:52.580 --> 00:03:56.900 Can you talk a little bit because this is sexual heroes and you are a content creator? 00:03:56.979 --> 00:04:00.259 Can you just share with the audience like some of your main kinks? 00:04:01.139 --> 00:04:01.620 Sure. 00:04:01.859 --> 00:04:05.780 Well, filming is what got me into being a content creator. 00:04:06.099 --> 00:04:07.460 Filming is one of my kinks. 00:04:07.620 --> 00:04:14.419 I I had a couple of ex-boyfriends that we would just get in front of the camera and you know, film our dirty deeds. 00:04:14.500 --> 00:04:18.500 And I I would share them with other people that I was interested in. 00:04:18.819 --> 00:04:23.379 And some of them would make the comment, like, well, why aren't are you do you have an OnlyFans or do you have a Jess for fans? 00:04:23.539 --> 00:04:24.259 I'm like, no. 00:04:24.500 --> 00:04:25.300 They're like, why not? 00:04:25.379 --> 00:04:25.860 You can make money. 00:04:26.019 --> 00:04:28.100 I was like, that's a that's a good point. 00:04:28.340 --> 00:04:32.500 So I started to post some of my encounters. 00:04:32.740 --> 00:04:41.379 And uh what really pulled me more into creating content was public cruising, which you can't really do nowadays. 00:04:41.699 --> 00:04:58.019 You can't do because of all the requirements for release forms and you know, you know, uh consent forms and which you can't, you know, pass a form underneath the stall and say, can you fill us out and get their copy of their ID and whatnot. 00:04:58.100 --> 00:05:00.419 But um it would definitely be a boner killer. 00:05:00.740 --> 00:05:05.379 It would be, it would be, I I it'd actually be kind of funny. 00:05:05.539 --> 00:05:12.820 I kind of want to go cruising now to just bring up paper form and slide it underneath and just see what that person's reaction is. 00:05:12.980 --> 00:05:13.139 Right. 00:05:13.379 --> 00:05:15.460 But but then it kind of got banned. 00:05:15.700 --> 00:05:18.740 It was at first banned on like on OnlyFans. 00:05:18.899 --> 00:05:25.700 OnlyFans started to really cut into any sort of public content, BDSM content. 00:05:25.860 --> 00:05:35.059 And so but water sports, so water sports, anything that was very kinky, OnlyFans was like, this is not the platform anymore for it. 00:05:35.539 --> 00:05:38.580 So that really slowed me down as a creator. 00:05:39.299 --> 00:05:49.379 But and and I got my start in Denver, and I then moved here to Palm Springs, and I thought, oh, I, you know, Palm Springs, there's all these content creators out here. 00:05:49.460 --> 00:05:51.059 I'm gonna be like super busy. 00:05:51.299 --> 00:05:55.620 And I just kind of you know recessed into other projects. 00:05:55.860 --> 00:06:01.379 And so although I'm still creating content with other creators, I don't post as frequently as I used to. 00:06:01.620 --> 00:06:03.059 And I'm trying to get back into that. 00:06:03.220 --> 00:06:16.340 I think that for for a while it started to feel like work and it started off as fun, and so I'm trying to reconnect with that side, the fun side and the the thrill that comes with sharing. 00:06:17.379 --> 00:06:18.820 That's nice of you. 00:06:20.419 --> 00:06:21.779 That's nice, sweetheart. 00:06:21.860 --> 00:06:23.139 Okay, next question. 00:06:23.460 --> 00:06:26.419 Uh you said there's a lot of content creators here. 00:06:26.899 --> 00:06:27.539 Yeah. 00:06:27.940 --> 00:06:32.179 As they say, you can't swing a cat by the tail without hitting a content creator here. 00:06:32.580 --> 00:06:33.220 Exactly. 00:06:33.460 --> 00:06:35.220 And like realtors and nurses. 00:06:35.460 --> 00:06:36.100 Oh, wait. 00:06:36.419 --> 00:06:36.740 Oh. 00:06:38.580 --> 00:06:40.500 I think I was both of those too. 00:06:40.659 --> 00:06:41.059 Oh, yeah. 00:06:41.139 --> 00:06:43.059 I was one of them, at least. 00:06:44.100 --> 00:06:46.340 We also have a lot of international Mr. 00:06:46.500 --> 00:06:47.539 Leathers here. 00:06:47.860 --> 00:06:48.340 We do. 00:06:48.740 --> 00:06:49.379 The past two. 00:06:49.700 --> 00:06:51.220 I just wanted to give them a shout out. 00:06:51.379 --> 00:06:51.539 Yeah. 00:06:51.779 --> 00:06:52.500 Oh, absolutely. 00:06:52.740 --> 00:06:56.500 Renee Herbert, who is last year's international Mr. 00:06:56.740 --> 00:06:58.340 Leather, and Mr. 00:06:58.500 --> 00:07:03.860 Palm Springs Leather, and Honey Davenport, who is the current IML, and Mr. 00:07:03.940 --> 00:07:05.059 Palm Springs Leather. 00:07:05.379 --> 00:07:06.580 It's amazing. 00:07:06.820 --> 00:07:07.460 Yeah. 00:07:07.860 --> 00:07:08.500 All right. 00:07:09.059 --> 00:07:17.539 So in your bio, you talk about being a photographer, content creator, community advocate, title holder, educator. 00:07:17.779 --> 00:07:24.179 When I took when I got the bio from you, I was expecting to see the word advocate, or I'm sorry, activist. 00:07:24.820 --> 00:07:26.899 And surprised not to see that. 00:07:26.980 --> 00:07:36.019 Is was that purposeful or you know, I feel like yes, I I would consider myself to be an activist. 00:07:36.500 --> 00:07:44.500 I feel like a lot of my activism is through these other channels. 00:07:44.659 --> 00:07:54.259 It's not like I I can't, I think the last time that I went to like a rally or something like that, or you know, I did a public speaking of some sort. 00:07:54.419 --> 00:08:04.179 Well, actually, public speaking, we can get back to that later, but was during the the George Floyd protests. 00:08:04.580 --> 00:08:23.860 And what I encountered, and this is not speaking negatively about anybody who participated, but there was a lot of performativity in that in that sense of activism, where it's like, oh, well, people are they're ready to go out on the streets and and during during this upset. 00:08:24.340 --> 00:08:30.740 But afterwards, when it when things cool down, that sense of activism dissipates. 00:08:30.899 --> 00:08:39.379 And so my activism is through advocacy, my activism is through education and bringing awareness to subjects that matter to me. 00:08:39.700 --> 00:08:43.860 And and also platforming other people that are doing the work. 00:08:44.019 --> 00:08:47.379 That's what where my activism work lies now. 00:08:47.779 --> 00:09:01.539 And so I think there's a certain depiction when when when you use the word activist, people get like, oh, this person's like speaking out, they're on their soapbox, they're marching in the streets, and that's just not a clear picture of what I do. 00:09:02.820 --> 00:09:12.180 I I would say that uh community advocate and educator, you know, all and all the things that you are add up to, activist. 00:09:12.500 --> 00:09:12.899 Yeah. 00:09:13.379 --> 00:09:13.779 I agree. 00:09:14.259 --> 00:09:16.420 Yeah, it's like the recipe for it. 00:09:17.060 --> 00:09:19.060 And it's again, you have to have those parts. 00:09:19.300 --> 00:09:21.300 That's the follow-through, right? 00:09:21.620 --> 00:09:26.660 Anyone can be an activist in the moment, but it's the follow-through that's important. 00:09:27.700 --> 00:09:34.980 In terms of being a community advocate and educator, what are you most passionate about right now? 00:09:38.180 --> 00:09:42.340 It it changes like my underwear, which is frequently. 00:09:42.740 --> 00:09:43.139 Thank goodness. 00:09:43.460 --> 00:09:48.980 Unless I'm unless I have a client that wants, you know, a strong scented jock strap. 00:09:49.220 --> 00:10:06.259 But uh because I I go back and forth so frequently between, all right, as a content creator, I'm gonna do a series of videos that are going to talk uh a lot of the the subjects that I discuss are centered around consent and sex education. 00:10:06.420 --> 00:10:08.420 So I'm gonna do a series of videos like that. 00:10:08.820 --> 00:10:18.420 Or then, you know, I I turn to advocacy where I see other people that they have their platforms and they just need that additional support and promotion. 00:10:18.660 --> 00:10:23.379 And so I'll I'll I'll go back and forth on those two things. 00:10:23.860 --> 00:10:26.420 Well, let's let's talk about consent. 00:10:27.060 --> 00:10:27.540 Yes. 00:10:28.500 --> 00:10:31.060 Why is that a big issue? 00:10:31.379 --> 00:10:37.940 And how is that an issue in in the gay community, in the LGBTQ community? 00:10:40.420 --> 00:10:41.460 That's a great question. 00:10:41.540 --> 00:10:54.580 I and I I want to make a distinct a distinction because I think when I talk about consent, my the people that I'm trying to target right now are it's very local. 00:10:54.899 --> 00:10:57.779 The message is international, right? 00:10:57.940 --> 00:10:59.700 Consent is an international topic. 00:11:00.100 --> 00:11:03.620 But the people that I'm trying to reach right now is very specific. 00:11:03.700 --> 00:11:16.899 I'm trying to reach my local community because I see in my local community that consent is addressed in a completely different way than I've ever experienced. 00:11:17.139 --> 00:11:20.500 When I lived in Denver, it was a very queer community. 00:11:20.660 --> 00:11:22.740 It was very much LGBTQ. 00:11:23.620 --> 00:11:36.820 I'm in Palm Springs now, which it has elements of a queer community, but is a mostly gay community that is focused around the experience of cis gay men. 00:11:37.139 --> 00:12:06.899 And so that that has a completely different culture and history and requires different actions than maybe a queer community that is a little bit more tuned into a consent culture or an anti-rape culture, where because women and femmes and non-masculine identified people have often been the target of rape. 00:12:07.139 --> 00:12:21.460 And so their voices contribute to those conversations about consent, and that is lacking from this community here because there's not so many of those voices participating in the conversation. 00:12:21.779 --> 00:12:27.060 So I have the memory of a goldfish. 00:12:27.139 --> 00:12:27.940 What were we talking about? 00:12:28.180 --> 00:12:34.500 We're just talking about, you know, how do how does how does cons consent, why is that an issue in our community? 00:12:34.660 --> 00:12:36.340 What how does it present itself? 00:12:36.740 --> 00:12:40.980 I I I know I I can talk about how it presents itself to me, why it's an issue. 00:12:42.340 --> 00:12:53.620 And that I was reminded of of what it's like to have somebody not get my consent when I started getting into putt play. 00:12:54.259 --> 00:13:08.019 Because uh long ago when I was uh submissive to some people and I wore a collar, I remember going out and people wanting to touch and grab my collar without asking. 00:13:08.180 --> 00:13:10.500 And it was very invasive. 00:13:11.060 --> 00:13:26.580 And then when I started getting into putt play just last year, I would wear a collar, I'd have the hood on, a tail, looking very more approachable than I probably do when I'm out of my pup gear. 00:13:26.820 --> 00:13:33.860 And suddenly people were grabbing my collar, they were grabbing my harness, they were grabbing my nipples, they were grabbing my ass, they were grabbing my tail. 00:13:33.940 --> 00:13:40.180 It was I could not go to a bar without being basically assaulted. 00:13:40.500 --> 00:13:45.700 Yes, it it happens every time, every time. 00:13:45.860 --> 00:13:50.820 The last time I went out, I was not in the bar even 60 seconds, and someone grabbed my nipple. 00:13:51.139 --> 00:13:54.820 Now I realize, you know, you have great nipples, right? 00:13:54.899 --> 00:13:55.300 You really do. 00:13:55.540 --> 00:13:56.820 I'm staring at them right now. 00:13:57.220 --> 00:14:05.940 But I'm allowed to go without a shirt in a bar and not have to to worry about people grabbing me. 00:14:07.220 --> 00:14:07.700 Right. 00:14:07.940 --> 00:14:23.940 And sometimes it's just like I think w in this climate, the the climate that we're living in here, it you you could have clothes on and people grab you inappropriately. 00:14:24.100 --> 00:14:24.420 Yeah. 00:14:24.660 --> 00:14:31.139 You know, like you don't have to be shirtless, you don't have to get your ass out, you don't have to have like people feel entitled. 00:14:31.300 --> 00:14:33.060 There's an entitlement here. 00:14:33.379 --> 00:15:00.180 And what I'm learning from some of our elders that have been in this community for a while, been out for a while, is that it's their it's their cultural experience that attributes to a lot of these transgressions against people where they've normalized this behavior and they see it as acceptable and actually wanted. 00:15:01.300 --> 00:15:07.220 And and we have to we have to start to deconstruct that. 00:15:07.540 --> 00:15:12.980 And it's gonna take a lot of work, and it's gonna take a lot of people saying, No, this is not okay. 00:15:13.060 --> 00:15:14.980 Yeah, I'm reinforcing that idea. 00:15:15.060 --> 00:15:16.740 So I am an elder. 00:15:18.820 --> 00:15:23.379 You I mean it it doesn't seem appropriate to me. 00:15:23.540 --> 00:15:29.379 I would never grab somebody anywhere or any of their gear without their permission, never. 00:15:29.620 --> 00:15:32.740 So and and when I you've been educated. 00:15:32.899 --> 00:15:35.860 You've been educated, you've been in the industry for a while. 00:15:36.340 --> 00:15:37.860 Exactly the point. 00:15:38.100 --> 00:15:39.779 People need to be educated. 00:15:40.340 --> 00:15:45.540 No matter what age they are, there obviously is a need for this education. 00:15:45.700 --> 00:15:58.019 And when I provide education after someone has grabbed me, usually they're like, Oh, surprised that I'm telling them to let go of me or to not touch me, to ask before they touch. 00:15:58.180 --> 00:15:59.860 It's always a surprise. 00:16:00.100 --> 00:16:00.740 Yeah. 00:16:01.460 --> 00:16:02.340 Oh, yeah. 00:16:02.740 --> 00:16:05.139 Yeah, it's it's part of that. 00:16:06.100 --> 00:16:24.660 It's I I feel like it's just built into the culture of a lot of places, especially tourist destinations where people are on vacation and they're here to have a good time and they think they can act however they want to because they're not at home and there's no repercussions. 00:16:25.220 --> 00:16:35.540 But also, I do it's I mean, you're an elder, but these people are older, you know, like a lot of the lot of people that have created the climate. 00:16:35.620 --> 00:16:40.340 The we're talking about the climate that we're living in, they've made it acceptable. 00:16:40.500 --> 00:16:49.300 And so other people that come into this area or into our community also think it's acceptable because they're seeing it happen left and right, and they're like, oh, okay, I can do this. 00:16:49.379 --> 00:16:49.779 Yeah. 00:16:50.100 --> 00:17:08.660 I think for some reason, as cis gay men, we're supposed to think it's flattering, uh, which uh, you know, I I'm glad that someone is responding positively to me, but I'm it's uh it uh doesn't feel good to be invaded. 00:17:09.460 --> 00:17:16.819 Uh yeah, but I think we're we've been like we're supposed to to just let it happen because we're cis gay men. 00:17:16.899 --> 00:17:20.500 Uh I was literally in a bar last visit. 00:17:20.740 --> 00:17:35.779 I I told you this story about like a week and a half ago, and I was talking with a group of friends with my husband next to me, and I just had my shirt off and my shorts were sagging a little bit, but whatever. 00:17:35.940 --> 00:17:46.900 This guy comes up behind me and sticks his hand down my backside to grab my ass from like underneath my shorts. 00:17:47.220 --> 00:17:52.819 And I went into my whole consent spiel, and he leaves the bar. 00:17:52.980 --> 00:17:58.180 So I go up to the bar manager and I say, I shared what my experience was. 00:17:58.259 --> 00:18:01.700 And literally his response was, Well, you should be flattered. 00:18:04.259 --> 00:18:05.460 Like, so there is that. 00:18:05.539 --> 00:18:10.660 That is very much you know, the mindset is like, well, you know, think of it as a positive. 00:18:10.819 --> 00:18:15.059 So, because not everybody gets that attention, you know, and it's unwanted attention. 00:18:15.140 --> 00:18:16.180 Yeah, you know. 00:18:16.660 --> 00:18:26.100 So if you're watching this right now or listening to this on the audio podcast, and you are not aware of this, now you know. 00:18:27.299 --> 00:18:31.140 Ask before you touch someone, it's a thing, yeah. 00:18:31.460 --> 00:18:44.339 Yeah, and you know, I think people think consent is not sexy because it ruins the moment in some way, like it it ruins the sexual tension. 00:18:44.660 --> 00:18:52.420 And I find that if somebody comes to me and asks for consent, whether I'm attracted to them or not, I'm like, absolutely, you want to touch my ass? 00:18:52.579 --> 00:18:53.380 You ask for consent. 00:18:53.460 --> 00:18:54.579 Like, go ahead, please. 00:18:54.660 --> 00:18:55.700 That turns me on. 00:18:55.860 --> 00:19:02.420 You know, I may not be attracted to you, but I am attracted to the fact that you had the decency to ask. 00:19:02.660 --> 00:19:02.819 Right. 00:19:02.980 --> 00:19:07.779 Oh, if someone says to me, you know, hot chest, can I can I feel it? 00:19:07.940 --> 00:19:09.460 Can I play with your nipples? 00:19:10.579 --> 00:19:10.980 Sure. 00:19:11.380 --> 00:19:14.740 That is that feels good. 00:19:15.380 --> 00:19:19.299 And I am 99.9% of the time gonna say go for it. 00:19:19.940 --> 00:19:20.259 Yeah. 00:19:20.500 --> 00:19:20.980 Oh yeah. 00:19:21.140 --> 00:19:21.299 Yeah. 00:19:21.380 --> 00:19:21.700 Oh yeah. 00:19:21.940 --> 00:19:23.059 Consent is sexy. 00:19:23.299 --> 00:19:26.019 That's that should be our our new slogan. 00:19:26.339 --> 00:19:27.700 Consent is sexy. 00:19:28.180 --> 00:19:28.740 It is. 00:19:28.900 --> 00:19:35.380 There's a couple things that we have to do when it when it comes to authentic consent training. 00:19:36.019 --> 00:19:51.700 Firstly, we have to change this perception that consent is not sexy, that asking for permission is not sexy, that you know, it's better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. 00:19:51.860 --> 00:19:53.539 We have to change that mindset. 00:19:53.700 --> 00:19:54.980 That's one pillar. 00:19:55.220 --> 00:20:04.819 The other pillars are the other pillars would be something to the effect of how do we how do we ask for consent? 00:20:05.460 --> 00:20:06.819 What do we do? 00:20:07.140 --> 00:20:09.940 How do we react when our consent is violated? 00:20:10.180 --> 00:20:14.420 And how do we handle rejection when somebody doesn't provide consent? 00:20:14.579 --> 00:20:18.019 You know, how do we handle those negative feelings of of rejection? 00:20:18.180 --> 00:20:25.620 So it's not it's not enough to just empower people to say, yes means yes, no means no. 00:20:25.860 --> 00:20:29.299 It's handling this from a multifaceted approach. 00:20:29.620 --> 00:20:37.380 And we're not doing that enough, I feel, in the consent forward community. 00:20:37.539 --> 00:20:44.259 We're we're we're we're handling one, usually one element, and that's the yes, visit and the yes, no is no aspect of it. 00:20:44.339 --> 00:20:47.220 But there's we have to address this from multi-angles. 00:20:47.620 --> 00:20:50.180 And it's getting the entire community involved. 00:20:50.420 --> 00:20:55.539 After that situation that I had with the bar, I followed up with an email. 00:20:55.779 --> 00:20:59.779 I said, hey, this isn't this was my experience, and this is the response that I got. 00:21:00.100 --> 00:21:11.779 And they were very receptive to hearing that feedback and wanted to talk with the other establishments in the area about how they handled consent violations. 00:21:12.019 --> 00:21:28.180 And I presented a list, a very lengthy list of here's what you can do to start building a more consent-forward environment and how you can address some of these concerns that patrons have, or how your staff can address patrons concerned. 00:21:28.660 --> 00:21:36.740 We have to, we have to be willing to step up to those conversations and give feedback and say, this is what we would like you to do. 00:21:36.819 --> 00:21:39.299 You know, not just don't do this, don't do that. 00:21:39.460 --> 00:21:41.940 But this is how we would like you to respond in kind. 00:21:42.259 --> 00:21:44.180 How would we like them to respond? 00:21:45.059 --> 00:22:04.259 So a few things that I that I think uh bars specifically in nightlife venues, because a lot of these violations happen in our in our clubs and our in our bars, is that one, you need to make a very public statement and stance on consent. 00:22:04.579 --> 00:22:10.100 And it is don't ask or don't touch without asking. 00:22:11.299 --> 00:22:18.660 And that can be done with flyers posted around the bar, maybe video monitoring, a video monitor, anything like that. 00:22:18.819 --> 00:22:31.220 So you're making a clear statement about where you stand, and then you can have specific like staff trained on consent, like everything that we're talking about. 00:22:31.380 --> 00:22:31.779 Yeah, right. 00:22:31.860 --> 00:22:34.980 It doesn't need to be every staff member, but somebody should. 00:22:35.460 --> 00:22:53.220 Be trained as this is this is our our source of knowledge, certainly security people, security people specifically, security people specifically, because I mean if if I'm in the bar, that's who I'm thinking would handle these concerns. 00:22:53.620 --> 00:23:02.180 And then you need to have a way of logging these incidences and these violations and having a sense of what you do with the patron who is the violator. 00:23:02.339 --> 00:23:06.819 Like maybe it's a the first time it's a warning, and then the second time you're escorted at the bar. 00:23:06.900 --> 00:23:10.019 And then if you're a repeat offender, then you're 86 from the bar. 00:23:10.420 --> 00:23:12.900 But you wouldn't know that unless you kept some sort of log. 00:23:12.980 --> 00:23:13.140 Yeah. 00:23:13.380 --> 00:23:13.700 Right. 00:23:14.019 --> 00:23:31.299 So these are these things are not, in my mind, they're easy to do, but it's hard for people to reinforce these new practices and procedures because they're because they're new and they're not used to it. 00:23:31.380 --> 00:23:36.019 You know, it's like having an incident log when it comes to the safety, someone cut their finger. 00:23:36.100 --> 00:23:36.259 Yeah. 00:23:36.420 --> 00:23:39.380 You know, I I'm sure that that happens in bars all the time. 00:23:39.460 --> 00:23:48.259 I know that happens in bars all the time, but like I've never worked in an establishment where there's an there is supposed to be a log, but it doesn't get logs, you know, like that. 00:23:48.420 --> 00:23:51.940 So it's really getting people that are passionate about this. 00:23:56.579 --> 00:23:56.740 Yeah. 00:23:57.059 --> 00:23:58.980 So there's just those are just a few things. 00:23:59.140 --> 00:24:02.660 The the the list is, you know, a hundred bullets long. 00:24:03.140 --> 00:24:10.740 So and I'll be writing more about that in my Substack link at the end. 00:24:11.059 --> 00:24:11.860 We'll provide that. 00:24:12.019 --> 00:24:14.100 We'll provide all our links at the end, by the way. 00:24:14.339 --> 00:24:16.339 Um I just want to say one more thing about consent. 00:24:16.420 --> 00:24:30.740 And I want to speak directly to people who have a submissive mindset, if not all the time, at times, and at a when they might be in a bar and around other people. 00:24:32.900 --> 00:24:39.460 Just because you are a submissive doesn't mean that you are submissive to everyone. 00:24:40.980 --> 00:24:47.220 And if somebody touches you and it's unwelcome, you have every right to say, take your hand off me. 00:24:48.339 --> 00:24:51.140 Don't touch me, ask before you touch. 00:24:52.019 --> 00:24:56.100 So it's okay to do that, even as a submissive. 00:24:56.740 --> 00:24:58.579 Maybe especially as a submissive. 00:24:59.460 --> 00:25:01.380 I think especially as a submissive. 00:25:01.539 --> 00:25:12.500 I think I think the the miss the I I'm lacking verbiage here, but there's this yeah, misconception about submissive. 00:25:12.819 --> 00:25:18.259 And that's that, you know, they're supposed to just take what is given to them. 00:25:18.500 --> 00:25:30.740 But we have to remember, I was gonna say we, because I'm I don't I don't identify as a submissive, but when I am in a submissive state, I know that my submissiveness is a gift to someone else. 00:25:30.980 --> 00:25:38.339 And so if my submissiveness is a gift to someone else, I'm not gonna let everyone unwrap that gift. 00:25:38.500 --> 00:25:41.460 That is for someone else that I'm giving that to. 00:25:41.539 --> 00:25:45.380 And if you have not earned it, then you do not get to unwrap the present. 00:25:45.860 --> 00:25:52.740 Submission is something that is negotiated with someone, it is not a blanket. 00:25:52.900 --> 00:25:57.059 I'm a submissive, everyone treat me however they want. 00:25:57.299 --> 00:25:58.259 Doesn't work that way. 00:25:59.220 --> 00:26:00.180 Exactly. 00:26:00.420 --> 00:26:05.700 Uh you you mention uh inclusive spaces in your bio. 00:26:06.420 --> 00:26:11.700 Inclusivity seems to be a word that's uh brought up played out all the time. 00:26:11.940 --> 00:26:14.259 I think it means different things to different people. 00:26:14.579 --> 00:26:18.420 What does it mean if a space is truly inclusive? 00:26:18.579 --> 00:26:19.860 What does that look like? 00:26:22.019 --> 00:26:30.500 Let me package this first by saying inclusivity is not tokenism. 00:26:30.980 --> 00:26:47.299 Like it's not checking all the boxes, like yeah, our space has trans people and black people and Asian people and sis gays, and you know, it's it's not about checking all these boxes about who's in the room. 00:26:47.539 --> 00:27:00.180 It's inclusivity is letting people know that the room is one available to them, but also inviting those people to enter into that space. 00:27:00.500 --> 00:27:06.420 That is the inclusive is not a passive thing, it is an act. 00:27:06.660 --> 00:27:13.299 You have to I I use this example in my speech for Palm Springs Leather last year. 00:27:13.860 --> 00:27:18.579 Or actually, no, it was the Mystery Leather, Colorado, a few years ago. 00:27:18.980 --> 00:27:33.779 And I said, it's it's not enough to say that the the dinner table, everyone's welcome to the dinner table when 50% of the people can't afford a bus ticket to get to the dinner table, right? 00:27:34.019 --> 00:27:37.779 You have to go, be you willing to go out and grab them and bring them to your table. 00:27:37.940 --> 00:27:40.500 That's inclusivity, that is action. 00:27:40.819 --> 00:27:48.339 So my favorite leather bar in the entire country is actually in Denver. 00:27:48.819 --> 00:27:50.980 I will totally shelter them out, trade. 00:27:51.220 --> 00:27:55.860 But the what the what makes it so magical is that it's a leather bar. 00:27:55.940 --> 00:28:02.019 And I think people have this idea of what leather bars look like, what they should feel like, what the clientele is like. 00:28:02.900 --> 00:28:05.779 But it is such a hodgepodge of people. 00:28:05.940 --> 00:28:20.100 You will have hardcore leather folk in there, and then you're gonna have like these weirdo, emo, goth, trans folks that are also in the same space, and everybody's just getting along, having a good time. 00:28:20.339 --> 00:28:29.620 Like that to me is what I think of when I think of an inclusive space is that this is a space for everyone. 00:28:29.779 --> 00:28:35.779 Yes, it is catered towards a very specific community that itself is a niche. 00:28:36.019 --> 00:28:40.740 But just because they cater to that does not mean that they are exclusive of other people. 00:28:40.819 --> 00:28:44.100 They don't treat people in other ways. 00:28:44.339 --> 00:28:56.579 You know, so many gay bars are, you know, the the moment a woman or a femme-identified person enters in their space, they feel attacked and threatened. 00:28:56.740 --> 00:28:58.660 And like, what are what are they doing here? 00:28:58.740 --> 00:28:59.700 They don't belong here. 00:29:00.180 --> 00:29:02.420 They need to read the room, you know? 00:29:02.660 --> 00:29:07.779 Like, what is that that person entering your space taking away from you? 00:29:08.100 --> 00:29:11.140 You know, or how are they dampening your mood? 00:29:11.380 --> 00:29:20.900 Like people, especially gaceous men, will be like, oh, well, they're, you know, this is a man's space, and you know, it ruins the sexual tension in the room and da-da-da. 00:29:21.220 --> 00:29:36.980 Like, if your your sense of masculinity is that fragile that a set of boobs enters the room and now you can't get it off with some, that says more about you than it does anything anybody else, you know, because you you're so distracted that you can't focus your eye on prize. 00:29:37.140 --> 00:29:38.259 That's a you problem. 00:29:38.500 --> 00:29:40.660 It's not a somebody entering the room problem. 00:29:40.740 --> 00:29:52.180 So it's it's these dismantling that and making sure that everybody does feel welcomed and respected in that space, whether you're attracted to them or not. 00:29:52.740 --> 00:29:54.180 You mentioned cisgender. 00:29:54.259 --> 00:29:55.539 I think I mentioned it earlier. 00:29:55.860 --> 00:29:58.980 I just want to be clear for people who may not be familiar with the term. 00:29:59.140 --> 00:30:03.860 If you're a cisgender male, that means you identify with the sex assigned at birth. 00:30:04.259 --> 00:30:16.339 So if you're born with a penis, you're most likely assigned the sex male at birth, and that is happens to also be the sex that you identify with, um, which is not always the case. 00:30:17.539 --> 00:30:20.819 Is it ever okay to be exclusive? 00:30:21.940 --> 00:30:32.980 The the argument I hear from usually often sometimes from cisgender men is they want a space that is exclusive. 00:30:34.339 --> 00:30:34.819 Yes. 00:30:36.019 --> 00:30:55.779 So this is something that I think is a gray area that even sometimes I go back and forth within my head, and I really have to challenge my uncomfortability with when I want it to be more exclusive. 00:30:55.940 --> 00:31:18.339 So let's take a sex party, for example, and that's that's you know, there are spaces designed for men, gay men, and they sometimes can be inclusive of trans men or male-identified peoples, but most of the time they want other cis gay men in there. 00:31:18.500 --> 00:31:25.299 And the the argument is that it's it creates a safe space for them to play. 00:31:25.620 --> 00:31:48.259 And and I've been at sex parties that were pansexual, and I, although I thought it was great and nobody bothered me, uh there were there were still moments of where I didn't feel 100% comfortable, and I didn't, I to be honest with you, know why I felt uncomfortable at that time. 00:31:48.500 --> 00:32:12.500 And I think that if I and recently I went to pansexual play, it wasn't a pansexual play party, it was a gay play party, but that was open to everyone, and there were women and trans folks there of all uh gender identities, and the gay men played in a very specific area, and nobody bothered them. 00:32:12.740 --> 00:32:16.740 Nobody bothered them, and so it was like this really hodgepodge mix of people. 00:32:16.819 --> 00:32:19.220 And I'm like, oh well, this isn't this isn't bad at all. 00:32:19.299 --> 00:32:21.059 Like, why don't we do more of this? 00:32:21.299 --> 00:32:39.539 But there there have been times where I'm just like, oh well, maybe this is a little bit more a distraction when I'm laying next to somebody and somebody else is screaming their heads off, and like that's a distraction for me and doesn't make me feel in as in the zone as I would be. 00:32:39.700 --> 00:32:45.460 But to be fair, anybody who's screaming their head off next to me while I'm trying to get fucked is a is a boner killer. 00:32:45.700 --> 00:32:48.579 So um, so I I get it. 00:32:48.740 --> 00:32:52.740 I here's it's I think it's the way you go about it, though. 00:32:52.980 --> 00:33:14.180 I think it's one thing to say, like, look, we're we're creating the space for this kind of people or this group of people, but like there's there's bars that want to remain like poor gay men. 00:33:14.500 --> 00:33:21.460 There are bars out there that are and they're trying to find ways to deter women from entering their spaces. 00:33:21.779 --> 00:33:26.180 And you know, some of them have flat outside, well, we'll just turn them away at the door. 00:33:26.259 --> 00:33:27.140 I was like, you can't do that. 00:33:27.220 --> 00:33:29.220 That's discrimination, that's against law. 00:33:29.460 --> 00:33:36.819 You can't do that, you can't act in an illegal way to preserve the sanctity of your gay space. 00:33:36.980 --> 00:33:39.380 Like that's that to me is is wrong. 00:33:39.539 --> 00:33:45.700 But I don't think it's wrong to say, you know, we need our spaces too, you know. 00:33:45.860 --> 00:33:55.700 And I think it's not, if you do it from the right perspective or with the right intention, then it doesn't have to be discriminatory. 00:33:55.860 --> 00:33:57.220 It can be in support of. 00:33:57.380 --> 00:34:09.619 Just like I think that we need spaces specifically for women and trans folks, like those, like because they don't really exist. 00:34:09.699 --> 00:34:14.819 Like most of our spaces are for cis gay men or you know, for men in general. 00:34:15.059 --> 00:34:21.139 And so there needs to be someone needs to carve out space and create space for them. 00:34:22.019 --> 00:34:25.539 You know, uh, gay men, they will take up any space. 00:34:25.619 --> 00:34:34.099 They will, they will, they will take up a bathhouse, they will take up a public park, they will take up a Macy's bathroom, like they will make space wherever they go. 00:34:34.339 --> 00:34:36.500 Home Dome, Home Depot. 00:34:38.659 --> 00:34:51.379 This uh this has come up in the bait community, the mast the male masturbation community, which is a whole subculture in itself, and they have jax groups all around the world. 00:34:51.699 --> 00:34:55.459 And they're still learning to navigate this. 00:34:55.619 --> 00:35:08.179 There are some clubs that have not yet come to say we're open to all male-identified people, which includes transgender men. 00:35:08.980 --> 00:35:16.819 Our club in Palm Springs, which I founded, though I'm no longer an administrator of, has that statement on their website. 00:35:17.139 --> 00:35:24.899 But it it is definitely something that is still an ongoing thing that we're navigating. 00:35:27.939 --> 00:35:34.019 And if you're listening to this or watching this and you have your own thoughts about it, please add a comment, email me. 00:35:34.339 --> 00:35:36.019 I'd love to hear from you. 00:35:36.579 --> 00:35:38.819 Uh it is a community conversation. 00:35:39.139 --> 00:35:46.099 I think we need to we need to be willing to have uncomfortable conversations. 00:35:46.179 --> 00:35:51.219 And this is one of this is it's such a gray, gray space conversation. 00:35:51.379 --> 00:36:04.500 And I think it does create a lot of discomfort because we're having to be introspective and uh talk about like, well, why does this make me feel unsafe or comfortable? 00:36:04.739 --> 00:36:10.579 And that means maybe addressing addressing some of our own internalized homophobia or misogyny. 00:36:10.739 --> 00:36:10.819 Yeah. 00:36:10.980 --> 00:36:12.339 And that could be uncomfortable. 00:36:12.500 --> 00:36:17.219 But it's also about like being honest about what does make us feel comfortable. 00:36:17.379 --> 00:36:20.099 And that might be hurtful to for other people to hear. 00:36:20.259 --> 00:36:23.939 And I think innately we don't want to hurt other people's feelings. 00:36:24.099 --> 00:36:26.579 So it's a very difficult conversation to have. 00:36:26.899 --> 00:36:31.059 We've talked about consent, we've talked about inclusivity. 00:36:31.539 --> 00:36:36.980 Is there anything else that you're really passionate about that you'd like to talk about today? 00:36:38.819 --> 00:36:40.419 I mean, I could talk all day. 00:36:40.739 --> 00:36:41.379 Well, you can't. 00:36:42.579 --> 00:36:43.619 I know, I know. 00:36:45.939 --> 00:36:48.899 Anything that's burning on my mind right now. 00:36:49.379 --> 00:36:55.219 Well, you you you mentioned in your bio highlighting the the experiences of kinky queer people of color. 00:36:55.939 --> 00:36:57.939 That's yeah, that's where I was there going. 00:36:58.179 --> 00:37:23.939