Donna B. Part 1. | Pandemic, emergency c-section, and a very isolating postpartum experience.

Donna from Saskatoon shares the story of her son. Donna’s experience was shaped by the pandemic which included a lot of uncertainty during the last half of her pregnancy. Donna’s labour progressed on its own after her water broke. Donna laboured to 10 centimeters, however during the pushing stage it was determined that she would go for an emergency c-section. Donna’s experience postpartum was difficult due to limited supports during the pandemic. 

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Transcript

 Hi, and welcome back to Moony Birth Stories. I sat down with Donna as she shared the pregnancy and birth story of her son Emmett and her daughter Ainsley. This is a two part episode, so make sure you check out both. In this episode, Donna shares her pregnancy experience throughout a worldwide pandemic and how that also shaped her birth and postpartum experience.

Donna went on to have an emergency C-section, and then she goes on to share how her postpartum experience was very isolating.

 Okay, Donna do you wanna start by telling everyone a little bit about yourself? Yep. I am, 36 years old right now, and I live in Saskatoon. I've been with my husband since we were in high school. So we've been together for 18 years and we've been married for 14. Wow. And yeah, and we have two kids, a 5-year-old and a 15 month old.

So yeah, that's our family. And what are their names? My son is named Emmett and he's five, and my daughter is 15 months, and her name is Ainsley. Amazing. And can you tell us about the road to getting pregnant with Emmett? Yeah. It was, at the time it felt difficult but in retrospect for what I went through with my daughter was not that difficult.

We'd been together for a long time and we were okay, I'm coming up on 30. , Are we ready? Kind of stuff. And I had irregular periods and so I was, I had , a gyne that was, that I had seen because of that, and she said, when you're ready to get pregnant, you're gonna need help.

And so I was like, okay. So I was just like, Hey. I'm ready to get pregnant. She is okay, take these medications, they'll help regulate you. And if you don't get pregnant in six months, then we'll do add on some medications. And so I did that for six months. She added a new drug and that first cycle with the new med, I got pregnant.

Okay. Do you know what you were taking? Yeah, I was taking Letrozole. Okay. So first, the first med that she put me on was Metformin. And I took that for six months and it did regulate, but it didn't, I didn't get pregnant. And then when the first cycle with Letrozole, I got pregnant. And so I was like, awesome.

So next time I go to get pregnant, I should just take Letrozole and magically it'll happen. Yeah. Yeah. So seven months with your son, it took. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then what were your initial thoughts when you were found out you were pregnant with him? I was really surprised because I guess I was trying to tamper my expectation.

Just because I'm starting this drug doesn't mean it happened the first time, and stuff. And then it did, and I took the I took the test and like I, my husband knew I was taking the test. We were cooking supper and we were about to have friends over afterwards, and I was like, maybe I'll just do it tonight instead of tomorrow.

And I did it and it started to like slowly fade or slowly, like this light of this line started to like just slowly appear and I was like. I think it's a maybe and my husband's there's no maybe , yeah. And yeah, so I was surprised. I was surprised. And I was like giddy.

Like I was just beside myself and like we had friends over and we didn't tell them, but the whole time I was all I was thinking about, I was just like over the moon and yeah. I was really excited. Yeah, no kidding. Especially after being told that you're gonna need help getting pregnant. I can just imagine the emotions when you found out you were Yeah.

Yeah. And it just felt it just felt perfect and it was just, I was just, we were both ready for it and stuff and yeah. And so that was , okay, this new chapter in our lives. Yeah. So then how did your pregnancy end up going? My pregnancy in general. I would say I'm not very good at being pregnant because I experienced car, like car sickness, like motion sickness throughout pregnancy.

And I also do have like morning sickness, quote unquote, but, lasting all day, like multiple times a day. , So I didn't love pregnancy. I definitely later on, like in that pregnancy when I, like when the motion sickness kind of temper tampered somewhat and I started to have feel movement, I was really excited.

Yeah. That was, and I was really excited about what life had around the corner. It just felt I had direction or kind of some, I knew where life was going. Yeah. And stuff. And I was really excited. But at 30, no, I guess it was 29 weeks pregnant the world turned like got shut down in a pandemic.

So that, like at, from that point on, it was like no longer fun. Yeah, I bet. Okay. Pregnant. So yeah, you, I guess five years old, your son would've been born during the peak of COVID. Yes. Yeah. So he was born at the tail end of the initial lockdown. Okay. So that was yeah, so because of that, the end of my pregnancy was just a real time of uncertainty.

And like just in the world and everybody at that initial time, like we all thought oh, just be like a month of isolating and then we'll go back. And I hadn't had a baby shower, and everybody's oh, like we'll have the baby shower, just after he's born, thinking this will be done and over with, and I was due at the end of May and my mom was like, oh, like the world will be open again before then, and stuff like that. So it was such a time of uncertainty and it, and I found the uncertainty being pregnant for the first time and being like, I don't even know what the world's gonna look like.

Was really hard. And so I, and I was also very like. I'm anxious and I shouldn't be anxious 'cause I'm pregnant and I don't want him to feel my anxiety. And so that was, the compound, trying not to be anxious type thing. Yeah, for sure. As much as you try not to be like with the state of the world, I can only imagine what those feelings were.

Yeah. Yeah. And on top of that I actually when I, when we got pregnant, I was living in Winnipeg. Okay. My husband and I had been living there for six years and we were uncertain. We really liked living there, but we had thought maybe if we have kids, maybe we'd move home, because both our families are in Saskatoon.

Okay. And so then we had once I got pregnant, had concluded yeah, that's right. We do wanna move home. And so the plan was to move home May 1st, 2020. And we bought a house and everything, and we were gonna move, like across province. Like I was gonna start my mat leave on May 1st and move.

And I went off of work early just because I was working in the healthcare system and I didn't feel safe kind of being at work. Yeah. And I and I, we also, like my husband was put off work and so we ended up resolving to move early which was like nice. But it was like, we, like it added, like there was just so many.

Like things didn't go the way we expected or planned to. But also adding on like moving provinces during the start of a pandemic, like while you are like expecting your first child is, was just overall a lot to deal with at one time. Yeah. So many layers of stress there. And so who your care provider then would've been different from who you were seeing in your pregnancy to who you were then going to deliver with.

Yes. So in Winnipeg I was followed. I was really lucky to be get in with the midwives there. And I, I had initially been denied just just because of the, how many midwives and how many people want them, I just didn't meet the qualifications. And then at 16 weeks they took me on.

And so I was really happy to have that midwifery care. I tried to get in with the midwives in Saskatoon, but given that I was like, they had said check in with us right before you move. We might have room. Yeah. And then when I was about to move, they're like, so it's a global pandemic.

We don't think it's a, like we don't have the capacity. Yeah. Like with everything changing. And so I was lucky to get in with a a GP because I really wanted to meet the person that was gonna be in the room. I wanted to. To have somebody that I could that I could discuss what I wanted for labor before being there.

And so I just knew from, I for, because I work in medical field, I just knew that, OBGYNs and the way their call groups work, like they're just not as likely to be present at your actual delivery. They're, you're more likely to have that on call, whoever it is in the call group.

Yeah. And that I really wanted to have somebody that I could vet, and so I got lucky and got in with a gp, like at a clinic that was like, just followed prenatally. Yeah. And I was, and I actually like. It because it was last minute. Like it, I didn't get to I didn't get to pick or anything, but I really liked the person who I got and I really appreciated the care that she offered and stuff.

That's nice. And then how were you preparing for labor and delivery? I did do some like research. I think I, I also attended a prenatal class that was a lot more kind of like almost like Lama style class in Winnipeg before I moved, which I'm really glad I did because. They had flagged me attending 'cause I was about 25, 26 weeks.

And they were like, you're a bit early, maybe you wanna wait. And I was like I'm gonna be moving. And so it just fits better. And then in the end, right when I was more applicable, there was nothing in person. So I'm glad I was able to speak that You snuck in just in time. Yeah. Yeah. So I did that class and it like taught like actually like you brought your partner and like they taught us like the you like where for partners to hold your hips to offer counter pressure for back labor and like that kind of stuff.

And so that was really helpful. And so I was really lucky to have gotten into that. And also, yeah, like it, it was very helpful. And then when I ca came here, I think I just watched a lot of YouTube videos of like labor stuff. Yeah. But I knew walking in that I really wanted to attempt to have the least amount of medical interventions, just just for hopes of, for, or like reducing the other things that might happen because of, the, if one medical invention intervention leads to another type thing.

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So just wanted to limit that as much as possible. Yeah. And so that was my goal going in. I didn't have like really strong opinions on this or that, but thought let's just plan to try to do the least amount of medical interventions and see how we go. Yeah. Yeah, so that was what I was thinking.

Amazing. Is there anything else from pregnancy that you want to share? With my son, actually, I did the maternal, the screen. Yeah. And it came back as he had like an increased risk of of spina bifida. Okay. Yeah. And so then I went through, I just had to do like fetal assessment, like just that more intensive ultrasound.

Yeah. With a specialized nurse. And it came back. Being like they, there no further assessment was needed and he was deemed not to be at risk of that. Oh man. Okay. So let's move into how labor started. Yeah. I had wanted to minimize medical interventions, but at the same time I was so convinced I was gonna go overdue.

Like my mom had been like 10 days overdue with all of us and had to be induced. And so I was like, this is, that's gonna be my fate. And I was like somewhat impatient with okay, I don't want it to be 10 days overdue 'cause I just wanna have this baby out and meet this baby. And I'm also convinced that's what's gonna happen.

So I have to do everything I can to avoid that. And so I was doing lots of walking, drinking the. The tea and eating the dates and all this stuff. And I was also doing regular sweeps. So I got a membrane sweep on at 40 weeks on, on my 40 weeks. And like I had gone home that after that appointment with my GP and was okay, I'm gonna have this 48 hours window, like after the sweep where I'm supposed to like, be the most prone for it to kick in.

So I'm gonna try and do all this stuff. And nothing happened and I was really feeling disappointed and I had determined, this was the weekend after. 40 that this baby was gonna come on that weekend. And so Sunday morning it was like, I guess it would've been four, like I was 40 weeks in two days.

And I woke up and was like, that's it. Like this baby's gonna live in me. Like I'm I was just like feeling really defeated and stuff about it and just impatient. Yeah. And so my husband and I , he was off that day and he was like, okay, we're gonna go and do something fun. So we had gone to get like food and go have a picnic.

And we after a picnic, we were at like down by the river in Saskatoon. We went to the bus the bus stop, the ice cream place. And we were standing in line and, I just felt like a trickle and I was like, what? What was that like? Yeah, like what did I have an accident? What's going on?

Just in displace. And so I, yeah. Yeah. I like sat down and was try and I think I did stand up and tried to see if it happened again and it didn't. So I was in disbelief that it was like water breaking or anything. Yeah. But I think I, we talked to my parents and I talked, I phoned triage and they were like, you should just come in.

And so I went into the like children's hospital JPCH and went to the labor and delivery ward. And I was like, convinced I was like, don't even bring our suitcases. Like I, this, I've already decided this baby's living in me like this, it, yeah. And so we went there and it happened to be like, it was Sunday afternoon and my.

My GP had told me like, I'm on this weekend, so if you deliver, I'm the, 'cause like the family doctors, they, they will be present kind of Monday to Friday, but if it's weekend, it depends on whose call. And so she's if you give birth this weekend, I'm on, yeah. So I was like, okay, at least I know she's gonna be there.

So she did the swab to see if it was amniotic fluid. And while she was doing the swab, she's if I'm here anyways, do you want another sweep? And I was like, go for it. Let's send a message. And then the swab came back as being amniotic fluid. Okay. And so then they were like you're GBS positive.

So because because you, we want because of the bacteria we want you to deliver and, and we don't wanna increase the risk of the, of baby getting exposed to the bacteria. So for that reason, we're gonna induce you. And so I, all of a sudden they're like, okay, you're here. You're, we're gonna induce you.

So then they, I had to wait a while to get into a labor and delivery room, and when I did, I got in around seven o'clock at night. And today they were strapping the monitor on me and said, okay, we'll start the process soon. We're just like, get you set up. And the nurse was like, Hey, you are contracting.

And I was like, really? And she's you're having regular contractions. Oh, wow. And I was like, oh. And I didn't really feel anything. Yeah. And she's they're pretty steady and so then she phoned my doctor and was like, there's, she's having regular contractions. Should we induce or should we wait and see if this progresses?

And they decided they were like, if Donna's okay with it, just go with it. So we did, we just, we didn't do the induction. Yeah. And I naturally progressed, obviously. I assume it was like the sweep that my, my doctor did where it then and it caused, it took and I progressed, so it was overnight.

And so I, I progressed and was in labor and all the way through the night. And so were these painful contractions, like at any point, at what point did they become painful? Initially they weren't painful, and it wasn't until like I was having contractions for about three hours. I think I, I felt like a little like some tiny crampy.

But not not really, like I, and I was surprised that they they were reading as like more regular and more like recognizably than I was feeling. Yeah. But then they decided at 10 o'clock that night to to actually break my waters because I had been leaking, but they thought that there was like a a hole.

Okay. But it like a tear. Yeah. That was where the like the trickle had come from, but it wasn't a full, your water was still intact. It was just trickling. So they wanted to fully break it. Yeah. So they fully broke it. And from that point on, I was having intent, like the contractions really started to pick up and were regular and were like I felt them and stuff like that.

And it was back labor. I was having back labor. But yeah, so it carried on throughout the night and it kept the nurse was you should sleep. And I was like, I don't know how you think I can sleep. Yeah, the amount of adrenaline running through you, like there's no sleeping. And she was like, you should try to rest.

And I was like, I would love to, but I also am like, let's get this baby out. What can I do? And yeah, I like my husband did rest and I was just like doing my thing, whether on the ball or like pacing or I also, my nurse, like I I did a lot of baths throughout the night.

And my nurse was so good because I didn't wanna be on the monitor for continuous. And so my nurse just came in regularly with a doppler and just did those checks and and I just tried to do things to be comfortable but also like progress things and yeah. So it progressed through the night and and then around six I was deemed to be 10 centimeters.

Oh, wow. Okay. And so it was six in the morning. I hadn't had any sleep, so I was very exhausted. And they said, yeah, your 10 centimeters just let us know when you are feeling the urge to push. And at the time I was like, I don't know what that feels like. And so I was just like, waited and was like, I just want this baby out.

Let's do it. Yeah. And looking back, having the experience with my daughter, I'm like, oh, I, I. My son hadn't really I wasn't ready to push, but I was just I wanna do this. Yeah, I know. Look, in hindsight you're like, okay, I would've known had I let my body wait. Yeah.

Exactly. And so I was like, let's, I'm ready. So they set me up and we were starting to push, and they were immediately like, like we're, you're, we're not getting much, like they're not productive pushes. And they were trying to coach me and stuff, but I was so tired and I was like falling asleep in between pushes and stuff.

And Oh, I like, I hadn't had an epidural. So like I was. Like I was feeling it. Yeah. And I also was like, I don't know what's going on. Or I didn't know how long it took to push. I didn't know, and it just seemed to go on forever. And so it actually ended up being that I was pushing for an hour.

And then they decided to consult obs, so they consulted obs. Unfortunately it was like the worst time. 'cause there was that shift change. And so then finally they had somebody come and the person, it was the resident. And I had not had an epidural, as I said. So the resident put their hand in me to feel and assess and, which was like so painful.

Oh my gosh. And they felt my son's head and they said he like, and I had already knew based off of my la like my back labor, that he was sunny side up. Yeah. But he also had his head tilted. So instead of having his chin tucked his chin was extended. Oh, okay. And so they were like, I don't think we can section I don't think we can.

Do any assisted. Yeah. And so then they're like, we are gonna 'cause it was a resident, the resident wanted their second opinion, so then they called the next, like the actual GY on. And so then that happened again where they put their hand in me and my GP was like, so Donna hasn't had epidurals.

So like you, like just gentle. Yeah. Yeah. But then the, they at that point, like I continued to push in between like those assessments and stuff because that was, it was like with the back labor, it was just more comfortable to push like the, it was like the counter, like I didn't feel as much pain if I was pushing.

Yeah. I find that's pretty common that. And it also feels like you're doing something like I am. When you're actively pushing, it feels okay, I'm trying to get this baby out. Whereas, yeah, I can find that helps with the pain. Yeah. And so then the consulted gyne was like, so I think C-section, I don't, and my son had been the whole pregnancy.

My like when they measured my I wanna say Aries, but obviously I know it's on Aries. When they do the tummy measurement, Oh, like your uterus? Yeah. When they were measuring my uterus, he always measured. Like further along in, in gestation. Yeah. They always were like, oh, he, it's like he's measuring two weeks or like further along.

Okay. Yeah. And so they had actually there had been like at one point where I went for an ultrasound to see if he was gonna be too big for vaginal delivery. Yeah. And it was a term he wasn't, but they thought that he was bigger. Okay. Like they thought that he might be very big. So like they were concerned that with his position of being Sunnyside up and with his head tilt and they were concerned that he was big so that they were like, I, we don't think this is gonna happen.

Can I just ask, were you, what position were you pushing in? Or did you try different pushing positions? I was lying to my back. I don't think I tried different positions. I had done a lot of movement. Prior to pushing, but yeah, once I was pushing it was, I was basically on my back at the time. Like it, I was just falling what they were saying.

And yeah, they were pretty traditional about the, like when they set up the bed, when they started taking my bed apart for for labor and like for delivery. It was like set up in the traditional with the legs up and all that. Yeah. Yeah. So at that point they recommended a C-section and I was just like, I'm done.

I'm so tired. I was like, and they're if you got an epidural, it is possible that you could sleep. Like it would slow things down. You could sleep and then maybe continue to try, but we're concerned he's too big and that he has wedged himself in a position that he we're gonna struggle to get him out.

Yeah. And we can't offer assistance because of his head tilt. And so I was just like, I don't have it in me to keep trying. And so I, I was like, C-section, like That's fair. That's the C-section. Yeah. So at the time I, I had no qualms about it. I just wanted him out and I wanted it to be done. And in retrospect, I still feel the same way.

I do feel like had I either had epidural, like in the evening. Yeah. Then maybe I could have slept and it would've been different. I also feel like if I had somebody in the room helping me be in positions to potentially turn him or get him in a better position during the laboring process, I think things could have been different.

Yeah. But at the time, that wasn't the situation and stuff, and at the time I had been like, I am, I'm managing these contractions well, so why would I take an epidural? Yeah. But it's I because of the sleep in the morning and stuff like that, like I, I had no idea how long it would take, and I didn't know it would be like a full night worth of, and yeah. So then at that point they just they were like, okay, you consent to a. A C-section and I was like, yep. And so then all of a sudden it was like the room went crazy with a thousand people coming in and going and, like handing my husband to stuff, like doing the verbal consent, like changing my bed.

And they also, 'cause they wanted me to stay still. And I was like, I need some I needed to sit like upright. Yeah. And have somebody pushing against my back. Yeah. It's like during this time it's like you're still laboring, like you are still feeling these contractions and you don't have an epidural, but all of these moving parts are happening.

Like one minute you're pushing and one minute the room floods with people. It is such a weird feeling. Yes. Yeah. And so then they were like, okay, we'll get you something to like, help you as we prepare everything. 'cause they wanted me just to settle down and lay on a bed. Yeah. And I was like, oh I need somebody put it in my back and stuff.

So they gave me. I like it must have been fentanyl. I, like they just said pain stuff. Yeah. And I didn't find it helpful at, at all. Okay. I still felt every contraction with that and I was being wheeled down the wheeled to the or, and I was still like wanting to sit up and they were like, okay, stay still, yeah. But then I got there, they did the epidural and I was pretty much just like that took care of everything and I was just exhausted. So it's I pretty much just s napped until they, everything was done and ready. Yeah. You just checked out. Yeah. Yeah. My, I was really like I thought this was so sweet, but I don't know if this is typical, but the my prenatal, like my GP that was following me came into that like C-section.

Yeah. And she came up and said Donna, it's me. Like I'm here. I'm in the room. I'm here to support. Just so you know, I wanted you to know that I was here. Yeah. And it really to me it was really like special. Like I appreciated that somebody was in there, that, this person who I had met with and wanted to do the care.

And even though it was like she did wasn't holding the knife, she was still there. Yeah. And so I really appreciated that. And the C-section went well. Yeah. And my son came out, he. It was like so unbelievable. Like all of a sudden you hear her crying and you're like, what?

I have a baby. Yeah. Yeah, it was wonderful. He was checked over by the NICU team because there was a C-section and I think maybe 'cause of the fentanyl like that they'd given me and like that they do that. But he was doing good. He was screaming really loudly. He, yeah. My husband got to take him and hold him and we went to recovery.

It was good. In retrospect I afterwards had, 'cause I had never thought I would have a c-section. I never even thought about any of this stuff. But I like, so I didn't know to ask or advocate for myself, but I didn't get as much of the that, that special like golden hour. Yeah. Because it was like, first it was, I was on the table and, my husband was holding him, my son by me, but I didn't hold my son.

And then when I went out, like my I was like, I need to breastfeed, so get the baby on me. But then like the doc came to do their assessment on my son, and then after they handed my son back to me then the nurse wanted to do the post-op assessment on me, and so it was like, it, so that part of it I didn't even I just thought oh they, it must not be possible just to have that golden time where you're just holding baby and you're breastfeeding and that kind of stuff. And then later on I learned you can definitely advocate for that.

Yes. Yes. Even after a C-section, you can hold your babies and you can ask them to hold off on any sort of checks so everybody knows. Yes. Yeah. And so I was like, afterwards I was like, oh, I I wish that was just offered. And I, and I knew like for any future, I was like, I would have asked I will, I was like I'm not gonna let that, 'cause I was really wanting to start immediately breastfeeding and stuff.

And I did put him to the breast and stuff and he wasn't like, I, when he was handed to me, he was all wrapped up. So we didn't do skin to skin immediately because I was handed a baby in a blanket. Yeah. Yeah. And those things like. I was like, but I need to do these things and I wanna do these things.

But he kept getting taken away from me, or I need dad, can you hold him while we do this to mom? Or that kind of stuff. Yeah. And so in in retrospect that, but at the time it, I thought that was just how it had to be. Yeah. If no one tells you, then you don't know.

Yeah. Yeah. And but things went well. I I was very given I had it not been the pandemic, I had intended for my mom to be present for the labor, like both my husband and my mom. Yeah. But at the time, I was only allowed to have one person and so it was just my husband and stuff. And so I had lots and lots of questions about.

Babies and breastfeeding and just given, nurses are busy and they are in and outta rooms and that kind of stuff. And so I definitely, afterwards had so many questions and really didn't feel like I knew what I was doing Yeah. And stuff. And so I didn't, nothing was super wrong.

Like my, we did leave the hospital at 48 hours and we went home and then. Helping home. Like the nurses that come and visit after, yeah. They weren't doing home visits because of COVID. Oh man. And so I had to take him to a clinic and I just had a c-section and my husband wasn't allowed to come in.

So like my husband had to come. I walked up to the door and my husband had to just come and drop my son off, like in his little basket. And the nurses would pick him up and then I waddled in and my son was carried in by the nurse. Yeah. And that stuff. And he had lost a bit of weight and and the nurse gave me verbal instructions on how to fin finger feed and handed me this finger feeding contraption.

Yeah. And I was just like floored at like she was telling me how many meals to put in to finger feed and I was like. None of those numbers were sticking to my brain. Like I was just too shocked that my son had lost weight. Yeah. I was like too overwhelmed by, just the whole situation. And it was also like, this is I was super anxious about, I had never buckled my son into the car seat.

Okay. Yeah. My husband had always done it and being that my husband wasn't allowed to come into place and that the we'd taken my son out. I was like, I don't even know how to buckle him back in. And and I was like really stressed about all this and then I was being told that my son was like, had lost too much weight since leaving hospital and that I needed to finger feed him.

And I was just like, everything you're saying is too much. And she told me to supplement with formula and I was like, okay. But I had never learned about Formula. Yeah. Like I actually didn't know how to mix formula. I didn't know how to which formulas to buy. I didn't know that there was different, like there was some pre-made, some not.

Yeah. And stuff. And so then I got into the car and I told my husband like, we have to get formula. And at the time with COVID, back then you were supposed to have a fam, like a person that was designated to go into stores, to minimize, the like how many people. And and my husband was that.

So I sent him in to go to a store to go get formula and he came back and he is I think this is right. And it was like powdered stuff, but I don't think it was like, I don't think it was like newborn. Oh, okay. And I was like, I don't think we can use this. And I was like, I don't know what to do. Oh, okay.

And stuff. So I was just like, I'm just gonna sit on my. Pump. I had a breath pump and I was like, I'm just gonna sit and just pump as much as I can. And then we'll use that to finger feed. Yeah. And we like Googled instructions to finger feed. So that was stressful. Yeah, it sounds like it's very stressful.

Yeah. And, but then my milk came in and we did supplemental feed with the finger feeding for a bit and my milk came in. And my son caught up in his weight gain and that was good. Yes. But it was like, I started off just feeling totally, like I didn't know what I was doing and that there wasn't.

Like the supports weren't there. Yes. Because the Ho Healthy Home wasn't doing home visits. When I went to the doctor for my son's first one, like his one week visit, the doctor said to me, they, the, like the World Health Organization is recommending reduced, like visits to reduce the chances of COVID spread, right?

Yeah. Yeah. So he and the doctor said, so I don't know, what do you think? When should he come back? And I was like, so I just have a one week old. I don't know. Yeah. You're, you should be telling me. Yeah. And I was just like, don't ask me this. Yeah. Like I, I don't know and stuff and I had no idea when babies went to the doctor pre COVID, like how often they went, let alone how often they should go during COVID.

And so I definitely felt. Just somewhat abandoned in that regard. Yeah. And then of course, like everything that, like you do during like all the stages, I really felt like I just like YouTube, like Googled stuff. Like when introducing stuff to my son, I didn't know. And because there wasn't baby groups going on, you didn't have like experts coming in, like teaching people.

And there also wasn't like, I didn't meet other moms who would tell me what they were doing and stuff. And so I didn't, and I didn't have a lot of friends who had kids. Like I had one friend who had a kid, and I asked her, but sometimes it was like, she, sometimes, like when I asked her like, how did you introduce Solid?

She's I can't really remember. No. Yeah. And so I was like, that's fair, but also I don't know what I'm doing, yeah. A lot of the stuff I did with my son, I was like, I was just Googling, and so that was in, that was really difficult entry into parenthood. Like the, in, in looking at my labor and delivery, like I, I don't have I felt like I felt fine with kind of how things went.

I, I think like I had wanted to have no, no medical interventions and I ended up having a c-section so things didn't go to plan, but at the same time I was like I did the best I could and, and I don't have hard feelings about it. Yeah, exactly. Or but at the same time I like have really hard feelings about.

Feeling like the medical system was like, it's a pandemic, so you're good. You're on your own, like you are a first time mom, but you got this right? Yeah. And so I, I definitely felt like I had no idea what I was doing and there wasn't anything because like the and I think in everyday, like in non pandemic times, the supports for women are not enough.

And in pandemic times, supports that are regularly there were seen as non-essential. Yeah. And it was like, that's wasn't true. No. They really are essential. Like even something as simple as a mom group is so important. And I like we are five years out from the pandemic, but I like your story. You're not alone in your story.

And I know there are so many other moms who were feeling this during COVID and I. Yeah. I feel for you. Yeah. Yeah. So it was like, it was a definitely a really hard experience to go through when it came to once I went back to work it like, I it was somewhat like blissful. Like being a mom and working because I was finally interacting with the world.

Yeah. And I remember feeling like my son, during my mat leave, we tried to reduce my son being exposed to stuff. And so we didn't do stuff in person, but it also meant that I felt like I had this pretend baby at home that like, had never I'd never taken him out to the grocery store.

I'd never gone, and so then when I went to work, I was I was working in the hospital and I was. I'm being exposed at work. My son is going to daycare. Yeah. I just need to be willing to emerge into the world. Yeah. And I can no longer keep him in this little bubble. And it felt so amazing to be working like part-time, be at home with my son, be like starting to expose him like we went to the library and it, it just felt it felt amazing to that part.

Yeah. Like when he turned around a year and I remember just feeling wow. Like this, I love this. I love being a mom. I love, working part-time. I'm just so happy. Aw. Yeah, so it was it and it definitely was probably because it was so drastically different than what my mat leave was, where I was so isolated, just actually reemerging into the world.

And so I was feeling so blissful and so we were like, let's start trying for a second.