The Power of Emotions: I Don't Want to Talk About It

Ever feel like you're drowning in your own emotions? That's where we're heading today on Dark Matters. I'm your host, Dr. Shemena Johnson, ready to guide you showing you that it's okay, even essential, to acknowledge and express what's churning inside. We'll tackle how our mental health is often linked to our ability to process and articulate our emotions. We'll also discuss how expressing our feelings is not a sign of weakness but a trait that makes us truly human. 

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Thank you for listening!

Transcript

Exploring the Power of Naming Feelings

Dr. Shemena 0:05

Hi , you're listening to Dr Shemena Johnson and this is Dark Matters with Dr Shemena , the podcast that focuses on learning to become conscious and aware so that you can take control of your life in this very challenging world . So what do you say ? Let's get into it . Hi , this is Dr Shemena Johnson , your host of Dark Matters . I'm happy to be back and sharing some information and hopes that it gives you some insight and helps you move forward and kind of breaking through psychologically . So if this is your first time listening in , I just want to say welcome , I'm glad that you're tuning in . If you are familiar with my podcast , i just want to say welcome back and thanks for listening in and continuing , even in your own journey . So today I want to talk about feelings .

Dr. Shemena 1:17

I think so much of a part that's a part of my work with clients is helping individuals name the unnameable , and it may sound very simplistic , but it's such a powerful form of acknowledgement , like when you're able to name what you feel What it does is . It really helps you overcome obstacles , obstacles that will only eventually help you grow . The acknowledgement is such a high value because if you can name it , then you can also work towards resolving it if there's a resolution that's needed . But it helps you really look at yourself and see that you are a human being , a human functioning being that has feelings . And over the course of my work I've realized that and explored that the genesis of mental health , such as like anxiety and depression , is when we're really feeling something powerful , like underneath the surface , internally , and then we repress it or we ignore it or we just don't talk about it . Like that is really the genesis of mental health , like the struggles with anxiety and depression , and it's such an interesting phenomenon why we do this to ourselves , like why do we feel this need to say to ourselves pay no attention to this person behind the curtain . Like let's not pay attention to that side of us ? Like how many times have you said to someone that may have asked , like I'm feeling okay and you know you're not ? or you will see friends or family members that aren't doing well , and they may say they're doing okay and you know that they're not , but you let it go , you continue to move forward . How can we do this to ourselves ? We ignore and pay no attention to the person behind the curtain . And it's not that we all don't have psychological challenges , you know .

Dr. Shemena 4:03

But the real problem is the cover-up . The feelings that we all feel on a daily basis is never the crime . It's always the cover-up that hurts us , sounds like I'm insecure , i'm lonely , i'm sad , i'm embarrassed . These are all normal human feelings . I mean , if you were to do a poll with your friends , your family , your partner , your colleagues , they have all , i'm sure , felt these feelings to some degree during the course of their life . You know , one of the real beauties of being able to talk openly about how we feel is that we get a chance to hold ourselves in high regard and recognize that we are all flawed individuals dealing with issues that are universal .

Dr. Shemena 5:06

So the question is why do we resist this , avoid or hide what we're feeling ? only to the detriment of ourselves ? I mean , when I think about it , i have a thought . Like mostly everyone , like I could probably diagnose the world right now with generalized anxiety , disorder or depression , all pretty universal , given especially what we're going through . You know it's crazy times right now . If that is the case , like so many people experiencing anxiety at many different levels on a micro level , on a macro level , interpersonally , interpersonally , you know , relationally then why do we continue to ignore our feelings . You know the need to hide from uncomfortable feelings is what prevents many individuals from doing what your intellect tells you that's good for you . You know this idea of I don't want to talk about this part of myself . I just want to hide it away A lot of the times .

Dr. Shemena 6:20

It really depends on how you grew up . You know when it's not safe to be open with what you feel . If you experience growing up , if your experience growing up was left you feeling uncertain , maybe unsure about what's going on inside and outside of you , and all you want to do is jump out of your skin , leave that part of you behind and be someone else , maybe you decide at that moment that you just want to be a good child , be perfect , high achiever . I don't want no trouble , i just want to stay in my lane and excel . Because maybe someone in your family ignored , maybe didn't have the bandwidth for your feelings , or maybe was depressed , anxious , or the environment was just chaotic and everyone in the family just needed to just focus on themselves . In that moment you decide that I don't want to exhaust the family resources . I'll just be a good child , i'll make good grades , i'll tidy up , i will not cause I'm not gonna cause any trouble with my needs to be seen or heard or understood And in a lot of ways , implicitly , your family thanks you for not being too much and you feel validated . In that moment you become exactly what your family needs you to be .

Dr. Shemena 7:57

But then that child grows up into an adult and usually I see that person in my therapy room and they share with me that they're anxious , depressed and have troubled relationships . And I think to myself why ? Why would this person need to be in troubled relationships or have this experience ? Because there's something in this person's background that indicates why they might feel comfort being able to be around troubled people . Why has it become this person's role to be such a good child where they say let's not worry about me , let me just worry about you .

Dr. Shemena 8:47

And on some deep level , this child , who is now an adult , has learned to pay no attention or think about what he or she feels or wants . They have no concept of what happens internally with them . Because there's so much energy , psychic energy , focus outward , with managing people , making sure that they have their needs are met and maybe with the hopes , the internal wishes that I can take care of them , then maybe they'll take care of me . But you begin this pattern of outsourcing your emotional stability to other things like work , maybe substances , food , partners , friends , as a way to cope , make yourself feel better . That becomes problematic . I mean you might be asking myself like why am I kind of giving you this long story about this ? Because it's because many of the ways we've learned to validate ourselves , get love or how to be in the world is shaped by our upbringing and culture at large . The implicit and explicit messages on how to be are constantly reinforced .

Dr. Shemena 10:06

And when these individuals come into my room they present with what I call like a fever . It's like a fever without the understanding of what's happening internally And it usually comes in the form of anxiety and depression . And then I'll have to look back , i have to carbon copy these experiences of this person to get a sense of their sense of self and their identity and how it was all shaped . You know , one of the primary goals of therapy is to make the unconscious conscious , and this can be a very challenging task because a lot of times , like all of our psychological defenses that are in place are committed To prevent self exploration . So whenever deeper feelings are threatened with exposure , you might find yourself moving into a defensive position And before you know it you're acting defensively without knowing what is driving your behavior .

Dr. Shemena 11:16

And the way out of this cycle is to bring uncomfortable feelings and thoughts to the forefront of your awareness , like identifying , naming the invisible feelings , naming the feelings , because then those feelings can be acknowledged and if they are acknowledged , then they can be dealt with . You know , these uncomfortable feelings don't just end at work , you know , like not just in relationships either . They're kind of universal , they're ubiquitous , they're all carried with us when , in our friendships , our relationships , all the way around , all through life . So when I'm thinking about how somebody feels and if I ask you , how are you feeling ? and you say fine , which may be true , but can I say , are you able to say to yourself I don't know how I feel , are you able to acknowledge that to yourself ? Or maybe say you know I'm feeling sad . I mean you might even feel embarrassed , i don't know . But if I can say what I feel and identify it , then I have a chance of really representing myself to the world with a sense of dignity and respect . This is who I am , you know .

Dr. Shemena 12:51

Resistance or avoidance is one of those psychological concepts that most people understand to some degree , like it reminds me of , like the 12 step programs that you know promote awareness of the concept of it's a basic step in addressing addiction , which is to admit that you are in fact an addict rather than to remain in denial about it . I would say the same thing to you . It meant that you feel sad . It meant that you feel insecure , it meant that you're anxious . This concept is a simple one . Basically , an unacceptable fact exists , one that conflicts with our own wishes and beliefs , and so we resist or ignore that , which is true Like I'll give you an example on how other ways that we avoid or we ignore our emotions and our feelings .

Dr. Shemena 13:58

Like maybe you have a partner that says or does something to you that's really cruel and very mean , and you feel the sting of it and you're hurt , but you rationalize it and you minimize it and you say , oh , it's not that bad , i can take it , they didn't mean it . Or , on the flip side , i'll go a little bit more closer to the internal feelings within you . What if you have angry feelings , angry feelings towards your father or your mother , and in an effort to be happy and just be harmonious , and just be harmonious with them and see them . You ignore your true feelings towards them . You keep the feelings at bay and then you rationalize again Well , my mom or my dad did the best that they could , so I should be grateful . I shouldn't be angry at them , which both can be true . I can be angry while also knowing that my parents are the best that they could . Again , it's not .

Dr. Shemena 15:18

Why do we avoid ourselves and ignore our real , true feelings ? Do you ever notice that you end up telling yourself something repeatedly ? Before a long time , you told yourself that same , something that learned out later turned out to be false Like I'm not that angry , but really I am angry On some level . Didn't you know it all along ? You know it's not that psychologically healthy people don't have issues , because , again , we're all flawed individuals .

The Importance of Openly Discussing Feelings

Dr. Shemena 16:00

Logically , healthy people have them , but the one thing that the difference is is that they have the ability to talk openly and freely about their feelings . Like if I go to someone and ask how are you doing , and they say I'm not feeling well , and you say what's wrong , that is a sign of health . Even if someone said that to you , approached you that way , you know the person that cannot talk about their feelings openly has shame , insecurity and it's all closeted away . The healthier person owns what they feel and is able to be open . It humanizes us . You know , when you're a good friend to yourself , you wouldn't do anything to hurt yourself , right ? You decide that you want to treat yourself well And what that means is understanding yourself , understanding your circumstances and what brought you to this place , because I'm a big believer in when you don't deal with your feelings , they deal with you . Thanks , take care and be well . Thank you for listening to Dark Matters with Dr Shemena . Please don't forget to share this on social media and I'll catch you next time .