Our brains are seeking to understand the traumatic experiences of our lives in an effort to keep us safe, both now and in the future. I can almost guarantee, if you are a special needs mom, you have experienced trauma. This trauma shakes our identity, creates false narratives about our role in it all, and disconnects us from ourselves and those around us. On this solo episode, we dissect the science based interconnection of trauma, shame and identity; how our body is protecting us, how they impact our self-worth and how we can begin to give ourselves a break from the shame. This is more than just a conversation; it's the start of your journey toward healing & recovering your identity.
We will continue this conversation for the next three weeks with Meghann Crane-Russ, LCSW, PMH-C.
Resources from this episode:
Paul Conti, MD
Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic: How Trauma Works and How We Can Heal From It
Brene Brown, Shame & Vulnerability Researcher
Neuroscientific account of Guilt and Shame Driven PTSD phenotypes
National Library of Medicine
Connect with Kara, host of The Special Needs Mom Podcast:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespecialneedsmompodcast/
Website: https://www.kararyska.com/
Coaching Opportunities
Pathway to Peace {Group Coaching Program}: Schedule a Consult or Contact Me
Join The Special Needs Mom Podcast Community FaceBook Group!! Click here to Request to Join
Our brains are seeking to understand the traumatic experiences of our lives in an effort to keep us safe, both now and in the future. I can almost guarantee, if you are a special needs mom, you have experienced trauma. This trauma shakes our identity, creates false narratives about our role in it all, and disconnects us from ourselves and those around us. On this solo episode, we dissect the science based interconnection of trauma, shame and identity; how our body is protecting us, how they impact our self-worth and how we can begin to give ourselves a break from the shame. This is more than just a conversation; it's the start of your journey toward healing & recovering your identity.
We will continue this conversation for the next three weeks with Meghann Crane-Russ, LCSW, PMH-C.
Resources from this episode:
Paul Conti, MD
Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic: How Trauma Works and How We Can Heal From It
Brene Brown, Shame & Vulnerability Researcher
Neuroscientific account of Guilt and Shame Driven PTSD phenotypes
National Library of Medicine
Connect with Kara, host of The Special Needs Mom Podcast:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespecialneedsmompodcast/
Website: https://www.kararyska.com/
Coaching Opportunities
Pathway to Peace {Group Coaching Program}: Schedule a Consult or Contact Me
Join The Special Needs Mom Podcast Community FaceBook Group!! Click here to Request to Join
Hi, I'm Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible, and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. This forward has many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created this Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flare of possibility in your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome, hello and welcome to the Special Needs Mom podcast. All right, I have to say I'm just going to say it I'm so excited about the next four weeks of episodes.
Kara:This one, this is number one, and then we're kicking off a series. A series on the topic of trauma. But before we get into that, I want to make sure that I give a little time and space to talk about the Pathway to Peace group coaching program that I offer. At various times I've had different notifications here on the podcast and I haven't had them on for a little bit. And if you're new you may have no idea what I'm talking about, or maybe you've been distracted and you just didn't pick it up, or it wasn't the right time. But what I want you to listen to is the possibility of joining this program and changing your life. It sounds so, I don't know. I guess the word is generic, but I want you to really kind of think about it, let it sink in. So this is a group coaching program and the emphasis is on coaching, but also we're going to talk about it in the series. Community is transformational, so the two working together is mind blowing. And then, of course, to just put that cherry and whipped cream on top, a ton of content and so many resources that this program, the intention, the idea, is. It lays the foundation for the rest of your life. So you have the tools, you have the coping skills to do your life. I'm going to mention a little teaser. I'm not going to say what it is yet, but I do have some special things brewing up my sleeve that I'm going to be introducing in probably March and April, so now's a good time to check it out, even if I've sparked just a little bit of curiosity. I want you to let that be your guide, to follow that, not to ignore that.
Kara:Okay now trauma. I don't know. I'm wondering if, like when I say trauma, you're like I don't wanna talk about it, or does it feel heavy? Or are you like, yes, more. I need to figure out this whole trauma situation. Well, this is your buy-in episode, your warm-up, and next week, as I mentioned, we're going to be starting a three-part series. So that means three episodes, week after week, and we're gonna do a deep dive. We're really gonna go into the mechanics and, oh my gosh. I've already recorded these episodes with Meghann, who is a licensed clinical social worker, who was amazing. She and I put a lot of energy and effort into these episodes and they are so good. Even for myself. After recording them, there was so much I gained from it that it was significantly noticeable. This also is your episode to say don't miss those episodes. Hopefully at the end of this you're gonna be like, okay, I'm gonna mark it on my calendar or subscribe or whatever we do to podcast. Do that so that you can make sure to participate in the learning that's gonna happen in these episodes.
Kara:And the thing I wanna focus on today, as we set up for the next series, is the connection of shame and trauma. We mentioned this in the episodes that are coming in the next three weeks, but we don't focus on it. But I think this topic in particular is so important to understand the connection and actually for the longest time this did not make sense to me. I'm like why? Why, if something bad happens to you or your loved one, should you feel bad about it? Or to feel shame about it? This makes no sense. What's the connection? What is there to be ashamed of? It's not your fault, you're innocent. And little did we know, did I know, that our brains are mini-making machines and therefore, in instances of trauma, the brain is seeking to understand. And I think all of us know enough to know this is so incomprehensible, what we have experienced and are experiencing, that the most logical understanding is that maybe you had something to do with this.
Kara:There's actually a quote I wanna share. It's from Dr Paul Conti. I'm gonna reference him a couple times. He's an MD. He wrote a book called Trauma. Well-named. Good job, Paul. And his quote. I'll read it.
Kara:"It's often harder to uncover the truth than it is to blame ourselves, and this is where shame likes to step in with "should and shouldn't. So these are thoughts that you might have or have had or feel familiar. I should have known something was wrong. I should have paused or advocated harder. I shouldn't have let that doctor talk me out of that. I should be able to handle this better. I think we could go on and on right with the shoulds and shoulds, and before we dive deep into this series of really looking at trauma and how it works, I want to focus on this one aspect, this relationship between shame and trauma and identity.
Kara:Why? Because it is the thing I hear from you all the most. I have the privilege of getting to talk to many of you, many of you that are exploring the idea of joining Path of Peace. I get to have conversations with you and the thing I hear over and over again, in different words but ultimately different ways of saying that your identity has been shaken. You feel like you don't know who you are anymore and, worse yet, you feel like who you are is wrong. So this is shame who you are is wrong. Have you ever felt that way?
Kara:I'm gonna read a couple different scenarios that links to identity. I wanna see if you identify with any of them." If only I could get on top of all these piles. "I am so behind. Everyone else seems like they can do it. I'm insufficient. If only I could get that exercise routine figured out. I'm just not that disciplined. I'm weak. If only I could feel better in my body. I feel so frazzled and anxious all the time. I must be broken or worse. Yet I am beyond repair. I exploded on my kids or my husband or the school again. I'm a mess. I'm afraid I'm a bad person. I don't belong. I don't know who I am anymore, but I know that I am not who I used to be and I don't think I can ever get back to being the person that I once was. My guess is that one or many of those hit home for you that you can feel like yes, that is exactly what's happening inside of my head. So many of those are identity statements the I am a mess, I am weak, et cetera. I had a lot of them in there and these are the identities that are shame-based. Again, there's this connection that trauma sets us up for this shame as we try to make sense of what happened. So, again, we're not gonna go into the science today that's next week but I wanna have the foundation. The understanding of what's happening inside of you and in your experience is trauma. If you are relating to what I'm saying, I'm gonna read an excerpt from an article from the National Library of Medicine. It's a little long, but hang with me because I feel like it summarizes a lot of what I'm talking about.
Kara:"In the aftermath of trauma, one seeks to form a sense of logic and coherence with both the event and oneself. Trauma-related guilt is the outcome of a retroactive evaluation of one's actions, thoughts and feelings during the traumatic event as inappropriate or immoral. Trauma-related shame, on the other hand, is the discrepancy between self-perception during the traumatic event and its usual sense of self culminating into a threat to one's identity, as guilt feelings are associated to a particular event-related behavior I did bad and remain external and apart from the whole self-experience. They provoke a sense of tension, remorse and intrusive preoccupation with the transgression as a means of possible compensation or reparation. Shame instead induces a global self-attribute and devaluation and insufficiency I am bad and lingers within the wholeness of self-perception, thus leading to a desire to disappear or escape, often evident in detachment or disassociation from reality. And I will put there's many different articles or studies referenced in this. It's actually very well scientifically backed and I'll put the link in the show notes if you wanna go read and geek out a little bit more.
Kara:Many of you have heard of Brene Brown, who is a shame and vulnerability researcher. Based on all this extensive research, she defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. We feel like something we've experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. And again, for so long I was like wait, I don't understand why would this be the way that we interpret the thing that we've experienced, done or failed to do? And I find it very, very helpful to understand how our brain works and how we are trying to make sense of this unsensible thing. And I wanna pay attention to that last line or the last phrase in that line makes us unworthy of connection.
Kara:This is shame, and that's why connection and community are so healing, because we experience connection, a re-association with our community and with our being. It's working to disprove the unworthiness. It helps separate out this identity that we've taken on that is based in falsehoods, and it is a greater using of being true in faith and faith. It is just so amazing. I'm obviously a fan of community, so I wanna turn and look at this identity piece. So why a loss of identity? Right? So, like traumatic experience, I've explained a little bit about how shame enters the picture, right? So I'm trying to make sense of what happened. But why are we losing our identity? Next week we'll learn in more detail, but your brain actually changes. So as part of the definition of trauma is we are not left the same way we were before, and so there actually is a neurological change paired on top of that.
Kara:Many of you have heard of dissociation. When you experience trauma, you disconnect with a part of yourself and if you just even picture this, right, like there was this part of you that felt very sure, you felt confident, you knew who you were, but you've separated from that piece Like you've given up this sense of integrity in order to survive and in order to deal with the overwhelming surge of like emotion and the floods to your body and mind that you experienced during the traumatic event, season or episode. So I feel like, wow, that makes so much sense of why we end up having this feeling of disconnection or end dissociation so from others and from ourselves. And then we pair that with the effects of shame. This is actually quote from Dr. Paul Conti, again. "So shame tells us that we should never let these seeds see the light of day. Shame convinces us that we can't discard them because if we try, other people will see how terrible we are and will be humiliated and exposed. This is how shame tricks us into planting the seeds of false lessons. So you see this intertwinedness, like there's this shame entering and there's this dissociation, and then, oh my gosh, it all builds on each other and like solidifies you and you can sense how heavy this is and how real it feels, particularly because of the neuroscience behind it.
Kara:So shame is considered an affect. What's an affect? It's an internal experience created without our conscious choice in the matter. This, I think, is such an important point. It comes on automatically and controls our body and brain, and affects are meant to make us move. They influence what we do quickly and powerfully. They control us and push aside our ability to think and choose. This is so important to emphasize because so many of us are blaming ourselves or feeling guilty and, of course, feeling shame about how we acted or what we did or didn't do in trying to make sense of the experience, and we really didn't have the ability or choice to choose anything else. Again, we're gonna talk about this more in the coming weeks.
Kara:So I want you to really bring in the relief. I feel relief when I hear that, as I've learned, that as I've kind of relearned it over and over again, because these things kind of have a tendency to fall outside of my brain. I gotta relearn. I'm like oh yeah, and so I really want you to really soak in the relief that your unconscious mind and your body knew and know what's going on before you do, and they respond much faster than anyone could by choice. So we respond first, then think, and for me, the relief is that maybe absolutely nothing is wrong with me and, better yet, there is hope of recovering who I am. I want this concept to be kind of in the back of your mind as you're learning about trauma. Cause, like I said, we're gonna really focus on a lot of the fundamentals in the series and I want you to be really thinking about the freedom and the possibility, but not just learning about it, but actually recovering from trauma, what that can offer you.
Kara:Here's what I want you to leave this episode with. You have experienced something that has fundamentally changed your world and neurologically changed your brain. You've done the best you could to make sense of this, but the shame is too heavy. Let this, even just this awareness, be the first step in unraveling the shame and recovering your identity. I want you to contemplate this question, just let it bounce around in your mind. What if? Who you are is wonderful and worthy? Maybe write that one down on a post-it note or as a journal prompt. That's where I'm gonna leave you today. I think it's a good time to remind you about what I mentioned earlier in the episode about checking out Pathway to Peace. If you're like whoa, I really related to a lot of this, and I hope you did. Then I want you to consider that Pathway to Peace. It is a really, really good next step. The resources to do the work are abundant in the program. All right, we will see you all on the next episode.