We all have a giant stack of papers that are taunting us. The physical and mental to do's posted everywhere. The phone calls to make and the errands to run. It all piles up and we are left feeling anxious and frenetic. I had a morning this week where it all hit me at once, and I had to get myself back to center before I could be present for my day of coaching calls. I talk about how I do this for myself and for my coaching clients. I take you through a quick quiz and give you practical steps to shift your state and outlook moving ahead. I believe that peace is possible for you. I know you can leave the heaviness behind. I've seen it happen for others and I know it is possible for you too.
We all have a giant stack of papers that are taunting us. The physical and mental to do's posted everywhere. The phone calls to make and the errands to run. It all piles up and we are left feeling anxious and frenetic. I had a morning this week where it all hit me at once, and I had to get myself back to center before I could be present for my day of coaching calls. I talk about how I do this for myself and for my coaching clients. I take you through a quick quiz and give you practical steps to shift your state and outlook moving ahead. I believe that peace is possible for you. I know you can leave the heaviness behind. I've seen it happen for others and I know it is possible for you too.
Hi, I'm Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible, and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. Fast forward past many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created the Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flair of possibility in your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome, hello and welcome to the Special Needs Mom Podcast. I'm very glad you're here.
Speaker 1:
I'm going to start this episode by painting a little picture for you. It's Thursday, nice sunny morning, about 8:30 AM. I've just gotten the kids to school and kind of tidied the aftermath. And I sit then at my desk and I see the post-it notes, the piles mostly of denials, some approvals from insurance, check my email, starting to notice all of the things that are not done, starting to notice my heart rate increase. I'm starting to notice myself start one thing, stop and do another one. I think the way we would describe this is a little frantic and I feel pulled in, like I have to do it all at one time and that's why we see this like start one thing, stop and start another one. I know you've all done it too. below the surface, I really think I'm going to be better off, or I'm going to feel better if I get it all done. Like it feels so important, like I think I'm going to feel settled, once I settle these loose ends up. I'm going to be able to just relax, I'm going to feel like everything's okay again.
Speaker 1:
Maybe because it was so kind of an extreme example, it was able to be so apparent to me that I was operating from this familiar but faulty state. I knew it was faulty because I've been there before and I've tried it. It didn't work. And then, of course, because of what I do as a coach this is the stuff that I study and this is the stuff that we do in coaching is we kind of look at these things and we notice who we're being and what it's creating for us. So I was able to kind of be like, oh, wait a second here, somebody needs a timeout. And I was like, okay, I think it was like I had a client at nine o'clock and so I was like, okay, yeah, we don't need to keep going like this, we need to take a timeout.
Speaker 1:
And I remember audibly saying Kara, get up, go. I had to say it a couple of times. I said you know this is not working. I said you know this is not working, get up, go. And for me, getting up and going, that meant stepping away from this frantic trying to get it all done and going to work it out. And when I say work it out, I mean process what needed to be processed, tend to what needed to get tended to.
Speaker 1:
In this case, it was really calming do n my nervous system so that I could shift from that frantic, frenetic energy into an energy that one is more pleasant for me to be in and also kind of essential for me to do my work from. I can't do my work from a place of frenetic energy just doesn't work, and that's part of my jo b as a coach actually is to be able to be ready to hold the space for my clients. So it's really important. Kind of cut it down to the wire in this one, didn't I? So I went, I did a meditation In this case it was a tapping meditation and it was a big shift.
Speaker 1:
I was able to really shift the energy and I am so thankful that I have developed these skills. A little bit like I'm bragging, but I'm going to just go with it. You know what? Because I'm going to celebrate I have come a long way, because guess what, 12 years ago I was frantic for like five years because I had no idea how to do any of this. So, yeah, let's just toot my own horn a little bit and toot the horns of my clients, because this was what I'm seeing my clients learn how to do. It doesn't take long and it's life changing. So then I got to go forward in my day, being able to breathe, being able to be intentional and really have some access to peace. I won't say like we were zen all day it's not really how it works but it was enough of a shift that I was very, very happy.
Speaker 1:
So do you relate to any of this experience? I'm pretty sure you do. Which part? Is it the spin or the frenetic? And I know a lot of you relate to this part because you guys share this with me. And I so get you on that, obviously. the spin, this drive that you cannot stop, or you feel like you can't stop. Or do you relate to the part where you recognize that you are operating under a faulty system? Do you relate to that part or do you relate to the ability to recognize it and then shift? I think that we're going to kind of see a decreasing amount, like a lot of you will recognize, yeah, I'm doing the spin thing too, and then some of you will say, yeah, I can recognize it too, and then probably a smaller group of you will be able to say, yeah, and I can shift it. So that's really what this podcast is about is having a conversation about the possibility of shifting that experience. I don't know exactly what I'm going to name this episode, but it'll be some variation of trying to outrun or outwork your anxiety. The reason I'm talking about this is I see it all the time and it is a game we will always lose. So that's why I felt like it was really important to highlight this very particular way that we as moms with special needs kids, often show up.
Speaker 1:
So I made a little quiz for you. I made a little quiz to see if you, too, are trying to work your way to peace and rest. Okay, it's three questions. Don't worry, it's going to be a very simple quiz. First question Do you feel like you have to get stuff done, like you just need to get it off your list? There's no question, it's a fact. Yes or no? Okay? Number two Would you describe yourself as overwhelmed and or anxious? Yes or no? Third question Do you feel like you always have something to do that feels more important than something you'd like to do, or even think you need to do, like rest, play or connection? Do you feel constantly busy in a way you don't like? I guess that was technically two questions, but we're going to count it as one, yes or no? Okay, here's our quiz results.
Speaker 1:
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you might be falling prey to this little trick that our brain place on us. And what do we want to do about this? Let's talk about it. I broke it down into a very simple two-step process, and if you go back to the little story I had, the little day in the life of Kara, you'll see it play out. So the first step, the most important step, is to notice. Doesn't it sound trite when I say that Like, okay, that sounds fine. What's that going to do, kara? And why is that so important? Well, this is the most important and trickiest part, because, up until the point you become aware, this will have been invisible to you. You will have been operating as though this is just how it is and you will think that there's no other way to be. Which kind of sucks when I say it like that, right, you've accepted it as true and you follow the urge like it's the only way to be. Okay. So how do we notice? What do I mean by notice? So you're going to pay attention to two things. I mean you can pay attention to more. But these are the two things that I've isolated.
Speaker 1:
The first one is how you feel. Do you feel overwhelmed? Do you feel like you have to do it all at the same time? Do you feel anxious or stressed, unfocused, scattered and these are all words that we use to describe experiences we have in our body. So, for me, when I know I'm anxious, it's when my chest feels super tight. I can't take a full breath. Usually there's some sensation or discomfort in my stomach, not always, but definitely my breath is going to be like not comfortable. So that's, for me, my experience of anxiety, and you can tell how that's different than like scattered, right Scattered is when I'm just kind of like can't even focus. So that's how we feel. Second one is paying attention to how we are operating, that is, our actions. Are you frantic? Are you moving really fast? Are you moving really slow? Are you not moving at all, even though you want to or you think you should?
Speaker 1:
When I was preparing for this podcast, I was thinking of a really funny story from one of the Path with the Peace members. She cracked me up. She was talking about this experience where she realized she was late for something, frantically got ready, got in the car and got a speeding ticket on the way. How awful is that. But we were laughing about it because it is such a good, a bummer, But a good example of when we are in our automatic like her automatic was, "I must get there. She did. But when we take a step back and realize, okay, maybe it's not worth it, maybe we just say, okay, we messed up on that one, we're not going.
Speaker 1:
It's kind of a fun story about noticing how we're operating, looking at our actions and just being curious like, okay, what's going on. So these are cues that something inside our nervous system is causing these feelings most of the time and this is why the noticing is so important. So this is going to start out being subconscious, meaning it's outside of our actual like conscious awareness and it's automatic, so we're not thinking about it to try to make it happen. It is happening, we are not noticing. And then we are noticing the way we feel and of course we're seeing how we're being getting speeding tickets, not being able to have connecting conversations, like we're noticing the impact of it, but we don't necessarily notice the drive behind it or the faulty story behind it, I guess, is a better way of saying that. Okay, so noticing first step.
Speaker 1:
The beautiful thing about noticing is you can notice at any point along the way. You can notice right in the moment when you're doing it. You can notice when you want to do it. So I guess that might become first. You can look back and be like wait a second. There this morning when I was yelling at my kids, blah, blah, blah. So you can notice at any point. That's the beautiful thing, especially because sometimes when we're just starting, it's hard to notice in real time. That's the value of taking a break, evaluating, observing our life and then making some decisions.
Speaker 1:
Okay, part one noticing. Part two tend to your needs. I know it sounds so simple, but yet, as I continue to talk about this, you're going to realize why it has been evasive to you. So I'm calling this experience anxiety. You might have a different word for it for how you experience it. It's telling you that you have an unmet need.
Speaker 1:
I love this analogy. Consider it like a dash light on your dash in your car. It's flashing, like your tire light comes on, or your engine or oil or whatever lights there. It comes on and it's suggesting to you hey, you, driver, you need to change my oil or whatever the thing is, or you have a flat tire. It's giving you information so that you can do something that is valuable for, in this case, your car. But consider, when you're having a feeling, it is your body saying hey, you, I need you to do something for me. I need you to literally move your body somewhere else. So that's what your body is doing with these feelings. They're equipping you to act. Feelings go on to inform and produce actions. They ready us.
Speaker 1:
So back to tending. When I was thinking about this word tend, I was like oh, tend, tender, like I'm sure there's like a connection there, kind of root word-ish. And so I looked up tender and I love the definition. It said showing gentleness or concern with sympathy. So, right on, like, when I think of tending, I think about my garden. I love my garden, love it so dearly, and so I go out there and I look at my plants and I think, oh, let this got a little dry. So I water it, or I just admire some of them sometimes, or I think of like a mother.
Speaker 1:
I have a six-year-old daughter. She's typically developing, so this may not be experienced with your children. Or child, but I can so easily picture her getting hurt or getting bothered by her brothers and running to me in pain, but maybe I don't know what's happening. Like is she emotionally upset? You know, the other day she got her fingers crushed in the pantry by a brother. So she runs to me and I'm like I have no idea what's going on. You're crying, right, so that's the dash light thing. You're crying and I don't know what you need. So I'm assessing her. I'm looking, okay, like are you bleeding? What is happening here? And I'm asking her questions and sometimes she's answering and sometimes she's not. But the experience that I'm having with her is I'm tending to her needs, and so the thing I really want you to grasp on this piece is it's the experience of being with yourself.
Speaker 1:
It's less about the doing so. It's less about like, okay, well, I gave her a hug and I kissed her boo boo or I don't know what I would do. It's about how you're showing up for yourself, and so this is like my coach geekiness coming out, and I'm always looking at the being behind the doing. So a lot of times we just try to change what we do. We're like muscle through it. I'm going to eat healthy. By golly. That's our doing. But if we don't really pay attention to the being, who we're being, how we're showing up for ourselves, then we only have so much like muscle to muscle through the doing Okay, being. doing. questions? reach out. I'd love to explain it more. Okay, some notes here, some cautionary tales.
Speaker 1:
Tending to yourself may feel very foreign, which is kind of weird, because we know you're tending to your child at a very high level. But tending to yourself may be very foreign. Why? Because many of you, from a very young age, have been suppressing and or ignoring your needs, like since then to now. And so for you to automatically expect yourself to turn them on like a light switch would be maybe a little unfair for yourself.
Speaker 1:
This concept reminds me of when I was in physical therapy a couple years ago. My hip was really hurting, so I went to the physical therapist and I don't remember what muscle it was. But basically they're like here, do this and I'm like I couldn't do it, and like they showed me that they could do it. I was like I mean, they weren't just trying to show off, they were saying like, yeah, your muscle is literally not firing. Well, that's a bummer. And so what our first work was was to reconnect my brain to that muscle, to remember, oh, I have this muscle way back here in my hip, and then to get it to fire. That was the hardest part, right? So then, once we get it to fire, okay, easy peasy, we'll do reps, we'll be fine. But that first engagement waking up that part, in this case of my muscle was the most challenging part. So same thing for you Waking up your ability to really deeply understand and acknowledge your own needs.
Speaker 1:
Consider, it might be dormant. So the reason I want to point this out is because it may feel like it's not working. I'm putting that in quotes. It may feel like you do something and it doesn't feel like it has any impact at all. And so this is where I'm going to ask you to have faith, to not stop if you don't see some impact or results right away. I want you to remember you're waking up the muscle. So I'm like your physical therapist saying let's keep going, let's try again. Okay, let's try this now, because that didn't work. Okay, that worked a little bit, let's try this now until you have the result you want. It's like anything in life If we haven't practiced it before, like we haven't done it before, we can expect it to be a little clunky. I'm going to have to say it.
Speaker 1:
This is why coaching is so amazing it's having somebody to hold the space, like the physical therapist I think this is a great analogy to hold the space for you to do the work in a way that you engage long enough not to throw in the white flag of surrender. It's somebody that believes and knows your capacity more than you do maybe at the time, so that you can hold the space to catch up to them in terms of connecting to who you are and to what you want, and having this safe space with a little bit of support, so that you can ignite that connection to yourself again. That is a plug for coaching. Yes, it is. Also, I want to make sure that I leave you with some tangible ways to engage, to take this noticing and then shift to the tending. What does tending look like? Tending is like observing and trying to understand your need, and then the next step would be doing it, giving yourself what you need.
Speaker 1:
And so, firstly, this is not going to be an exhaustive list, for two reasons. One, our needs vary day to day, and deeply, person to person. And another little note here is that it's very likely you're going to identify a need and then you're going to be like I have no idea what to do. This actually happened earlier today when I was working with a client. They were like, yeah, I don't even know where to start. They were trying deeply, but they were just like I have no idea, and so of course you don't. This is natural. This means you're doing it right. You've never done it before, so how would you know what to do? This goes back to how I want you to approach it. Like, okay, you try something, you literally might have to guess. And when you guess, maybe it helps, maybe it doesn't, maybe you're like, well, I can't even tell. So then I'd say, okay, I'll try it again. The point is reiterating don't stop, don't stop on the pursual. So here are some tools, some actual things that I do when I am doing the work of tending to myself, to tending to my needs, to going from that little crazy.
Speaker 1:
Oh my gosh, my son Will. He's 12. What did he say to me? It was yesterday. It wasn't like take a breath, mom, but he essentially called me out. He was like mom, calm down, he said something. He's a really funny kid and he's always had this wisdom, way beyond his years. He's an old man version of a kid and I wish I could remember what he said. It was so funny. Okay, back to the tools.
Speaker 1:
I talk about tapping a lot. I love tapping. I'm a super big fan of tapping. I also think tapping is a great place to start because it's foolproof. You can't screw it up and like you don't have to do it quote, unquote right to have it be effective. So, tapping huge fan. I use the tapping solution app. I also actually have a tapping coach, so I tap in other settings as well. But the tapping solution to me it's just. I don't have to be confused. I just turn it on, I choose a meditation and I start to shift the things.
Speaker 1:
Another one, journaling and writing. This is an interesting one because sometimes I really really feel like doing this and sometimes I have no desire at all, so I just kind of go with it. Now, this is general, but anything that calms your nervous system. I want to point to the resources, many, many resources that Megan, who was my partner in the trauma series that she provided to us. So it's a printable document. Go find the series. I think it's episodes 187 through 189. And you'll see the word trauma. You'll find it. You'll click on one of them. You'll find the link to the resources. I will email them to you. You'll say thank you. You'll find the link to the resources. I will email them to you. You'll say thank you. You'll go use them and change your life.
Speaker 1:
Okay, another idea that I do. It's easy, it's free, it's walk. Just go like walk a minute. I mean maybe more than a minute, but walk and or sit in nature, whether it's inside, outside, looking out at something, and or sit in nature, whether it's inside, outside, looking, you know, out at something. Many different ways, many different ways to do this, even actually many guests ago. There's Dr Billstrom that was on the podcast here and he was even saying like looking at a picture of nature shifts your nervous system. So just go stare at a picture talking with a friend, sharing with them. Oh, my gosh, I noticed I was so stressed this morning I could barely breathe. I felt like I was a machine that was about to blow a gasket. I'm just talking, sharing your story. This is community connection, pray or play, you like the little pun there. Okay, so those are just some things, tools that I use.
Speaker 1:
I want you to take from this episode. You do not have to stay in this place where peace, enjoy, calm, rest, whatever it is that you feel like you want but don't have is not far away. If you feel like it's a destination far, far away that you just don't know how to get to or, worse, cannot fathom that it's possible to get there, given the severity of your child's disabilities and your circumstances, that means this message is exactly for you. So good news, very, very good news is the experience that you want is way closer than you think. It's way more accessible than you realize, because we don't have to get all those piles cleaned out. That's good news, because I had a lot of piles. We don't have to to be able to have a different experience. This is internal work that I'm pointing to.
Speaker 1:
So the question is do you believe me? I hope a little. I hope you at least believe me a little, because if you can't believe that is possible, it would be very nonsensical for you to make any attempt to try. So I hope you have a little bit of belief and you can borrow some of mine. I will share it with you because I absolutely know it's possible and I want you to try that's the point to tend to yourself to the level that you can access the experience of joy or peace or safety or even just calm. That comes to my mind as well.
Speaker 1:
I think, being in my position as coach, I feel like not only do I love the work I do, I feel like I get to personally benefit because I get to see this shift in clients. Within a session, I get to see them come in feeling really heavy. It feels impossible. They don't even, like realize the load that they're holding. And then, through the work of creating awareness, also noticing, they realize it's like the veil is lifted. They can see things more clearly, better, yet they see the way out, they see that they can put down the load and so they leave feeling hopeful light. I mean, whatever the experience it is, it's a dramatic shift. So I get to see this and witness it all the time, and so it just builds my belief in what's possible through the simple work of coaching right, which is, very simply said, creating awareness and taking on new actions.
Speaker 1:
And I do want to point you towards the possibility of working with a coach and being inside of community, of women that get you, that holds you, that are doing this work alongside you, and so I want to point out that I have attempted to price this in a way that is accessible.
Speaker 1:
I know it won't be accessible for everybody, but it's less than two therapy sessions a month. When you think about that, less than two therapy sessions, you get whole community, a whole program, a personal coach. I mean, I don't understand why you wouldn't try it. So another reason that I want you to look at it now is that this month, and I think next month as well, we're gonna be bringing in Megan, who is our resident licensed clinical social worker, so she's partnering with me to help you apply some of the tools and concepts that we shared in that episode that I share here, so that, like I described earlier, you're doing it alongside somebody, which is just easier, right? It's like if you've never done something, if you have someone to kind of hold your hand, it's just really helpful. So this is your personal invitation. Come check it out. I cannot wait to see you there. All right, we will see you on the next episode.