The Special Needs Mom Podcast
The Special Needs Mom Podcast
Regaining Control and Finding Tranquillity with Diane ( Part 1)
Hello and welcome to the podcast. Today is part one of a two art episode with a quest who has chosen to be anonymous, we'll call her Diane. Join us for an intimate chat with this mother is three.
We explore the terrain of Diane's experience in my group coaching program, a haven she sought during a time of immense stress and isolation. Diane unwraps her journey from feeling utterly overwhelmed to slowly regaining control and finding tranquillity, a journey that has the potential to bring hope for parents in a similar predicament. Our discussion dives deep into the essence of caregiving, the nuances of parenting, and the critical importance of maintaining an individual identity amidst the tumultuous waves of challenges.
Full Show Notes
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Website: https://www.kararyska.com/
Hello and welcome back to this special Needs Mom podcast. Today's episode is an interview style episode and I'm really excited for you to know this person that I get to know. And what's kind of fun about this episode is we are keeping her identity anonymous, and I love it because it creates such mystery and allure. And the reason we're doing this is because, for her, it allowed her just to be completely forthcoming and honest and really not have to hold back anything. She's pretty much like that anyhow, but I think this just added an extra layer of protection. Secondly, she's created some pretty amazing supports in her life and she doesn't want anything to compromise it, and I think we can all respect that.
Speaker 1:Our guest today is going under the name Diane and, don't worry, her child's name is also not her real name. So some of you, if you are part of the community, we'll definitely recognize her, as she is a past member of my first group coaching program that I ever did. Back then I called it being Mom Together, and so she and her cohort were among the first and just very precious as we figured it out together how to do this whole group coaching thing. So I share in the episode about how it was my privilege to come alongside her and you're going to get to see her well, more specifically, hear her and you're going to sense, I think, just her fierceness. I would describe this mom as a force and I think she knows that about herself and I think she would identify as, yeah, like she is a force to be reckoned with. And the thing that I think is so fun to see now is that I feel like because of the work that she has done in her life yes, with me as part of the program, but you know most of the work, let's face it happens every day in those small moments so, because of the work that she's done, I feel like she got to rediscover the spark of who she was and who she always has been. But I feel like it kind of got reinvigorated and she's going to share a little bit about the support that she has created and how significantly that has allowed her to shift back into the parts of her life that just felt completely lost when we first met, before we get started. She's going to talk a lot about her experience in coaching, in group coaching, kind of what it created for her. It's kind of fun because you know she's going to share about where she was when she started and where she is now, and you'll see it's a very full circle experience, especially as it relates to community and being with, and deeply connected to other special needs moms.
Speaker 1:So, before we get started into the episode, I do want to tell you and make sure you are abundantly clear about the opportunity to join in to a group coaching program. The one that I offer is Pathway to Peace, and you know the name is pretty straightforward. The idea is that engaging in this group coaching community will allow you to take one step further on that pathway to peace, and actually listening to Diane in this episode really is helpful, because I think it paints a very accurate picture of what it's like when we engage in coaching. Our life doesn't necessarily change. Actually, it stays very much the same in terms of the circumstances, because we know many of us the diagnosis. This are not changing, but it gives us access to having very, very different experience, to how we are experiencing the life that we have and ultimately, I think it restores us. So I want you to consider what it would be like to be part of a community, to be getting coaching, to have all the resources that I offer as part of the program and to be able to use this fall as a season of restoration and recovery for you.
Speaker 1:I know a lot of us are coming off of this summer season and it's gonna take a minute, I think, to really kind of fully recover from all that. Summer demands of us and the start of a new school year I mean, let's be honest, is awesome as it is having our kids back at school, we are also now confronted with all the needs that our kids have as it relates to being fully supported at school and our role in that. I would ask that, if you have any sort of inkling or nudge or curiosity, that you would consider reaching out and having a conversation about it. Absolutely no pressure or obligation. I think anybody can attest that. That is just not my style. I would be thrilled to support you as your coach. Okay, super simple step.
Speaker 1:You go to the show notes of this episode. You can then click on the link to schedule or to contact me. You can ask questions. It gets you to me from there. I'll guide you along the way.
Speaker 1:All right, enjoy this episode with Diane. Welcome Diane to the show, and I'm giggling a little bit because we are using what is it called? A pseudonym. We are using a code name for her actual name, because this is an anonymous conversation and you'll not necessarily know why, but I think we wanted the freedom to talk however you wanted to talk, with no names or dates or locations. So welcome, diane. Thank you so much, kara, good to be here. All right, you are somebody that I've been very eager to have on the podcast for a long time. Our relationship goes back a little bit and it's one that has evolved and in a way that I think for both of us, is equally enriching. So let's just get a little start of like a little snap shot of your life, your picture, a little bit of what you're about and the types of parenting and caregiving adventures that you've been along.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, I have three girls. My special needs kid was my first, she's about 12 and a half, and then I have two other typical kids, a nine and one. So a little bit of a spread there. When we had the nine year old we didn't know about all the special needs of my elder one, and then of course the gap is kind of self-explanatory for other moms out there with this population. You know been dealing with a lot of challenges with her from the beginning to now and but along for the ride changed a lot, learned a lot and you were a great help and guide along a big part of my growth journey.
Speaker 1:And I can say the same for you, being part of my growth journey, obviously in a different way, for me, more of a in my profession and I wanna share a little excerpt from something that I wrote. Actually, it was in one of my email newsletters and I know you read them occasionally, but I don't know if you read this one and I don't know if you would have known it was about you. This is the excerpt.
Speaker 1:I had this client describe the experience of being so covered in mud. She didn't call it that. Her version was much more stinky. All she could see was the stench, the mess, what was wrong. As we completed our work together, we reflected back on when she first trusted me to help her wipe away the mud. She said it was my belief of what is possible for her that had her so curious and leaning in. And here's the real secret All I had to do was see her underneath all that mud. Man, she was powerful, brilliant and wow, full of love and, might I say, super funny. Yet all she could see was the mud. This is something I wrote about you because, as I shared, you're somebody that it was so clear to me who you were and it was so clear that you didn't see that at the time that you were really just stuck in what you were stuck in. So what is it like to hear that little excerpt?
Speaker 2:You know it's sweet. I appreciate that perspective. I think what felt unique to me was that I was going through a really intense time with my daughter for years and I felt like the amount of need she had was so severe and so significant and so relentless and so consistent and exhausting. And it was just me for years and it just got harder and harder, obviously compounding but also her behaviors and the issues just got more challenging and I felt so consumed by her needs and by the aloneness and having to carry it all within my own family because my husband wasn't very helpful. The behaviors got too out of control for anyone else to help me.
Speaker 2:You know, I had to be on top of school, I had to be on top of the caregivers, I was really managing every aspect of her life and I was so angry and so resentful and so exhausted and overwhelmed and I wasn't hearing any of that experience anywhere. I never felt bad because I knew I was doing so much. I never felt guilty for having those feelings. I just felt angry and I just felt resentful and I really started to feel, you know, I hated her. I would dread when she would come home. I would kind of almost collapse in a puddle when she left. If a caregiver canceled on me last minute, I would honestly go like in a rage and I would be swearing and I would be mean. I turned into a person I really did not even recognize and I started to have internal rage and frustration and my temper got shorter and my patience got shorter and I felt deeper in the hole and I felt less of a future of hope and I was. The main feeling was anger and resentment and I got to tell you, even though I was not in the special needs world at all, because I really couldn't tolerate that, which we'll get into later. I never heard those things from anyone else. I heard oh, I feel like I can't do enough. Are you kidding? I felt like I was doing way more than I should have. I feel like, oh, I was researching in the middle of the night. I mean, meanwhile I'm stuffing my face with carbs and salt and watching so much TV to numb myself from the trauma of every day. I was like, oh, I miss him when he goes to school. I'm like, are you kidding me? Like the worst part of my day is when she comes home? These were all very true feelings and I was too exhausted and overwhelmed to even feel bad about them or shame. I just felt them so vibrantly and daily. She wasn't sleeping and we all know what that's like when you're up all the time and it was such a bad spiral.
Speaker 2:So, while you may have seen below the surface of what I was showing, I was a real person. Before all this. I was an accomplished attorney. I had traveled the world, you know, around the world many times. I spoke different languages, I had lots of friends, I had a real life.
Speaker 2:I was a real person and, year by year by year, my world got smaller and smaller and smaller and consumed by something, honestly, I grew to hate and resent. Honestly, my only escape and the only joy in my life was my typical kid at the time, who was my escape, honestly, all the things she could do, she could talk, she could engage, she could smile at me and share things and she could experience and any free moment I had. I just wanted to pour into her, not so much to be a good mom even though I think I consequently was but I just wanted that motherly feeling. I wanted that connection. I wanted that cup to be filled and, as parents of typical children. We can experience what it's like to have that back and forth relationship, which is why we can tolerate babies for a certain period of time pooping and not sleeping, because they're so cute and lovable and they give us so much.
Speaker 2:My experience with Emma, my daughter, was like 99.9% bad and 0.01% relief. Never good, never joy, just relief, like if she wasn't going to a tantrum attacking me, attacking someone else, yelling, screaming, but she was just calm. It was the moment for me to go. Oh okay, it's a feeling of relief, not joy or happiness. So when you saw me, when I met you, I knew I was so much more, but it had all been taken away from me and I really felt like it was her fault and she had done this to me and I was being trapped and I was stuck and it was her fault. And so that is the reality of how I came to you and my feelings that you remember from the time. I had a lot of anger and that was my primary emotion.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I think everyone hearing you now one is being like I love her because she's got fire and she's got spunk and she's got spirit, and they probably are connected to what I saw when I first met you and I remember distinctly the early conversations that I had, because you had that passion and yet you also were so clear that this couldn't go on. This couldn't go on this way, for you to continue to feel so trapped and so constricted and really losing all the things that really mattered to you. I don't think also, at the time you were connected. So you know you shared like I hated my daughter. I don't think you're connected to how much you were being loved to her with all those things that you did and do. So tell me a little bit about like your process. It is a process, right. It doesn't happen overnight and it's not like magic. It doesn't mean we don't still have bad days or seasons, but share with us a little bit about your process and about what it's like for you now.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, for years people were telling me to go into therapy. I came from a family of therapists and you know, my siblings are therapists. I mean, I have no issue with therapy, but I was honestly the idea of going to therapy in order to address issues with my daughter felt at the time like more time and energy toward her and the last thing I wanted to do is spend more of my free time on her. I needed to kind of escape when she wasn't there or I wasn't dealing with her. I needed to do something totally unrelated to Emma, totally separate. And so I saw I was like resentful, even though the idea of therapy and like I'm going to speak about her when I'm not with her.
Speaker 1:No, thank you Like.
Speaker 2:let me get out of that world Plus that kind of felt like the therapist wouldn't understand when get it. Plus I felt like it wasn't going to change anything. I kind of had a lot of other tools and strategies also, so it's not like I was a newbie and I, you know, could be learning things for the first time. I had done therapy for other things before and the truth is I felt like my anger was my energy and I really felt and you know this that life is a fight. I'm fighting for services. I'm fighting for people to do what they're supposed to do. I'm fighting for caregivers. I'm fighting for prescriptions and equipment and people to do what they're supposed to do at school and working with the district.
Speaker 2:It feels like a big fight and so you need to have something to fight with. And anger felt like my source of energy. The idea of maybe giving that up in therapy. It's kind of like no, no, no, I'm going to hold on to this, because this is kind of what's keeping the engine going. And so I was not running the therapy and I think your podcast I don't know if you started in the pandemic, but that's when I found you you did.
Speaker 2:I feel like it's September, september, like I ran around now three years ago, and I distinctly remember my daughter was swimming in the pool, which is the only place that she could get some relief. Of course, I had to be on, you know, cold brown duty because of lots of other things, but I was listening to you and even just the name of it you know Special Needs Mom podcast I never knew and I love podcasts. I never knew such a thing existed and I think I told you this during one of our first meetings. I love your intro where you say you know this is a podcast about you and it kind of just hit me like so my kids, like 12 at the time I met you, I don't know, maybe she was 10.
Speaker 2:For 10 years I don't know hundreds of people between therapists and doctors and specialists are pouring all of this effort and energy and knowledge to Emma and for me to be a good mom to Emma and everything about Emma, and not one person. And all these professionals said you are going through your own experience of trauma as a result of your daughter's disability and so, while we are and it's important for us to train you to be the best parent you can be for her and her future success you're a patient of ours or a patient of so and so's, because if you're the primary caregiver and you're the one who's responsible for bringing people in and having the right care and services, etc. Then we really need to focus on your experience through this trauma. And nobody did that. And so your podcast was the first time I heard any attention, even like I randomly did, like autism search and podcasts. It's all about you know more stuff about the kid, right, how can we better change the diet and the services and this thing and that thing? All about the kid, nothing about the mother.
Speaker 2:And I was so deep in it and so angry and upset and feeling so completely misunderstood nobody could understand. Plus, I had an elitist feeling of like, well, special needs, mom, I'm at the top, like no one has worse than me. I really had a hierarchy of I've got the worst, I've got the worst, you don't have it that bad. And of course you know I could be delusional, amount, there are tons of people have it worse than me. But in that moment, at that time period, I felt like, oh, you've got special needs light, I'm no idea. Like I wish I had your problems right. So I really was very drawn to somebody who was focusing just on moms because I felt so misunderstood.
Speaker 2:In the podcast it said this is for you. It was kind of like I knew that, but hearing you say it was like, yeah, where is everybody? Why aren't we talking about? Forget the kids. To second, where is the support for us?
Speaker 2:And since you started, I really believe they're, especially since the pandemic, and I don't know if the timing is consequential or not, but anyway that there's this surgeons for the first time of these organizations and groups, because my kid, like I said, she's 12. So I'm thinking, god, have I had my head in the sand this whole time? Because now I'm in and I'm kind of like learning more? But no, all of these organizations have really started in the last handful of years for moms who've been dealing with this for years and the only outreach and support has exclusively been for the children, which makes sense. But this is an extension of that which makes even just as much sense.
Speaker 2:And so, after finding you, while I was very turned off by therapy, you kind of did this invitation at the end of your first podcast where you said hey, you know, call me for a little consults and I can talk to you about making things better. And you know I had a lot of anger and so I kind of said there was a part of me that I said I want to believe Kara, but for other moms that's going to work, not for me, because I have it so much worse. There's no way I tell her the situation I'm, you know, I don't whitewash anything.
Speaker 2:I tell you the real thing.
Speaker 2:You're going to say oh, oh, I can help most moms, but that's actually you know, because that's what everyone used to say I don't even know what to say to you You're right, You're right, it is the worst. And I, and there's no hope. It was almost a part of me that I think wanted that affirmation right, that people would say to me you're right, you know not that I'm looking for a cross to bear, but I really felt like I did have one. And I was very confrontational with you in our first meeting and you said and I'll, because I really challenged you. And you said I remember you said, bring it on.
Speaker 2:You were completely unscathed, you felt very like you were not intimidated and you were not at all like the challenge I was posing in front of you and all the situations, the details I was sharing. You were unfazed and not like a dismissive way, but in like, yeah, okay, yeah, Like that. That didn't turn you off at all or it didn't make me ineligible. And you said bring it on, Like I'm, I'm excited to work with you. And I was kind of shocked by that response. But also this tiny speck of light within me was like huh, maybe Kara has the answer, or at least I was super curious to find out. So I go to my husband and at the time, the commitment to one-on-one counseling or a chain, yeah, I was offering one-on-one initially.
Speaker 1:Actually, you're the reason I shifted to group, because you're like, through our conversations, you're like I don't want to be alone. I'm alone already. I want to be with people. So actually everyone can thank you because you were the catalyst for that.
Speaker 2:Well, I don't know if I was the catalyst, but I know a few weeks after we spoke, I think that price issue was an issue for me, mostly to get my husband on board. I wanted to be respectful of that and I wanted his support. At the time I hadn't done anything, and so this was a big leap. It was a big leap from nothing to do, one-on-one coaching, and I'd never done coaching before and I was a stay-at-home mom in a pandemic.
Speaker 2:So then you came out and you said, hey, there's no opportunity. And you told me about this group, which was much more within what I could do financially and also felt less pressure. In a way. There was also part of me that was like, again, how about these moms? They don't have as bad as I do. They're going to be shocked when I tell them the real thing of what's going on here.
Speaker 2:So I liked that opportunity to meet up with people. Then there was also a little bit of glimmer of hope in me of like maybe I can make a friend who can understand my life, because nobody else does, not even my husband. So on all accounts, it was a very easy yes for me because it wasn't as much of a commitment, although I think you did six months at a time, which I really liked because I felt like I wasn't going to be doing something and then left stranded. I felt like you were really going to take care of us. Maybe it was even nine months, was it six? It felt like long enough and at the time I think we met weekly.
Speaker 2:Or yeah, I think it was weekly, so it felt like you're going to hold my hand. Six months felt like a long time of like help and enough time to process too, so I felt like everything about it seemed perfect. That was the big start. I think the hardest part is choosing to engage someone to talk about this in a way that you feel open to, and I'll never forget what you said.
Speaker 2:When we were kind of doing our little initial call, I said well I don't want to go with therapists because I feel like a therapist really couldn't understand this unless they dealt with special needs. They really couldn't understand the next thing. And you said something, like you were reflecting back, like yeah, you believe that, like, a therapist can help. You said something about like I have a belief that nobody can help me because they don't understand and based on that belief, I can't get help from that person. And it was kind of like it was a very soft way of saying because of your belief, you're not going to allow a therapist to help you, but because you know I'm a special needs mom and I do this, you trust me and this will be successful for you, because you have a belief that I may have some answers or can kind of show you something you don't know. And I was going to go with that because I felt like you're right.
Speaker 2:I really had a very strong belief that if you don't live in this world, I'm too exhausted to even try to explain to you the complexities of this life and I don't want your platitudes or I don't want to waste my time. That was another thing. Time was a huge value to me and I felt like you could help me. I would always be very critical of them because they just didn't get it. So you reflected that back to me. But I appreciate that and I agreed and you were right.
Speaker 1:So obviously you have a distinctly different experience now, so much so that I remember somebody in your family was saying what happened, who are you, what is happening? And they didn't know that you were in the program, that you were doing active work on everything. Do you remember that conversation that you had shared with me?
Speaker 2:Kind of I think it was like a sibling or someone who wasn't with me in the day-to-day life. Yeah, something like that maybe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I kind of remember that.
Speaker 2:What I remember is maybe that there was an acknowledgement of I can't think of any of the exact words, but something like maybe the edge that I've been talking about Emma with or just the angst that kind of went on with any communication. I hope my family about her seemed to soften a little bit and there was an acknowledgement of that softening or that reduction in frustration, anger and all that kind of stuff. And that family member did not know I was doing coaching.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what do you feel like? Except if you look at, because we worked together a little bit longer than six months because I had, I think, an alumni thing going on for a while. It was different back then. But as you kind of look at your journey, what are the things that you feel like you had to let go of and what are the things that you feel like you gained?
Speaker 2:The gaining question is easier, so I'll start with the easy. There was a weird part of me that had had so many bad experiences in the bad parts of this journey with respect to not finding caregivers was a huge one for me. Increased behavior that was aggressive toward me and just kind of getting all worse and medication that wasn't helping and I felt like I got to the end of my rope so many times in trying to find fixes or try this, try that, try this, try that, and I kind of got to a place of hopelessness, but not in the way of like. I feel hopeless, more of like I can't find a good caregiver. This person never comes. You know this person is doing it wrong, the medication is not working, the school never does anything. It was just like being critical and everyone about just all the ways they were feeling hurt, which ultimately meant they were feeling me and my frustration in all that wasn't going well, because everything that didn't go well ended up on my lap and it kind of added more work to my load which I wanted to decrease and delegate and despite I'm a great delegator and I couldn't delegate any of it and that was infuriating. And so when I would get to the end of my rope.
Speaker 2:The main one was finding good caregivers. You know you kind of had these glimmers you always talk about. You know you'll find evidence for what you're looking for, right. And so you kind of shared glimmers of the little windows into the possibility that things could work out or things could get better. So, for example, I told you I had one amazing caregiver who I loved, who was an angel, who was the best person that God ever made. But I couldn't find any others. And so you would say one time, and I said, well, nobody can do it, because at that point her behaviors were so bad I couldn't find anybody. And there was just so many reasons why. And you said, but you have your angel, so you do have evidence and you do know that there is someone out there other than you who can do this. And I had to admit that was true and I had my ways of trying to find people, but it never really worked. And so when you would kind of open up the possibility of, okay, how else can we get to this end goal? And I think some of the times we would go through strategies of like, outside of the normal things I was doing, to give me little glimmers of maybe there's something more you can do, which, of course I didn't want more work, I wanted less work but at least give you the possibility of maybe there's an answer somewhere.
Speaker 2:So when you're banging your head against the wall trying to find solutions for your kid and it's not working, there's a part of you that expects things to continue to not work and there's a part of you that almost you don't like when it doesn't work, but almost revalidates how right you are and how alone you are and how bad this is and that fuels those feelings of anger and resentment and it kind of goes along with your story and your kind of agenda. Well, of course I wanted things to get easier and better. Of course there was also a little bit of satisfaction and see, they didn't do it or they can't do it or no one has it, and it's like, see, look at what a martyr I am, Even though I would trade this life for any other life to not be a martyr. It kind of solidified the deep dark hole I was in.
Speaker 2:And so when you offer these glimmers of possibility, that kind of relaxed your brain in a way to think I think one time you would say I have no choice, so I have no option.
Speaker 2:You're like, well, you could put her.
Speaker 2:You could kind of, like you know, put her in a group home.
Speaker 2:And I told you something like, yeah, but they don't have a group home, so she has to go to foster care and she can't do barstok, like well, she could do foster care.
Speaker 2:So some of the things that I would say are out of the question but you said are a possibility, put me in a position of, okay, well, I guess I am making a decision and I conscious choice to keep her, so I'm not really stuck because I guess I could hand her off to a foster care parent, even though I feel like she probably wouldn't last long with foster care. So you found these little kernels of opportunities to reflect and show me how I did have a little bit of choice or a little bit of agency or a little bit of control, and while it seemed all like a given or obvious, like I wasn't going to not send her to school, I wasn't going to not get her a doctor's prescription, I wasn't going to not make the next appointment or, you know, get the right insurance information, when you kind of gave me permission to look at it another way, like.
Speaker 2:I guess I could walk out Not that I want to do that or I would, but I guess I do have an option. Right, that is an option, like if I die, someone's going to figure this out. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I remember a conversation around it was around showering, because you did not like the whole bathing situation that was going on, and I remember maybe it was a series of conversations, but that you really kind of caught on to the idea that like, oh, I actually am choosing to do this, I could choose to let her be dirty and stinky, but I'm engaging in this, I'm choosing it, no one's making me do this.
Speaker 1:And this is a great example because it's not going to change how hard it is to bathe her, to shower her. Like that doesn't change, right, because a lot of us try to change that circumstance over here, but you did change the way that you were relating to it. And even just that little, teeny, tiny shift because it's a small, little shift, I feel like it just opens up such a different experience and then when you see it in one place, you can see it in another and it just has the ability to shift something that feels so heavy and awful to having it maybe even just be neutral and maybe even just feel good. Maybe we wouldn't go that far, but it's just, it's these little things that make the big, big shifts. I remember one of the conversations that we had we really distinguished between caregiving and being a mother and you really getting clear on the identities that you loved and the identities that you did not? Do you remember having conversations around that?
Speaker 2:I do. I think it's still an area I struggle with because it's so intertwined, but I think acknowledging the difference is helpful. Just when you mentioned the shower thing, it kind of reminded me as stuck and angry and out of control I felt like I was. I was just reactive, really to what she was doing. I felt a certain point that she probably feels the exact same way here.
Speaker 2:She is intellectually disabled. She can't talk, she doesn't choose when she gets ready, she doesn't choose when she takes a shower, when she goes to school, how long when she gets picked up, when her teeth are brushed, what she watches on TV, I mean, you know, maybe she selects that on the iPad, but the bottom line is everything is done for her and she's told what to do and she really has very little choice. Talk about trapped. She's very trapped, and so I felt there was a part of me that was starting to soften a little bit toward compassion of her, of thinking man, you know, when I drop her off or when she goes, I'm free to go take a hike, have a call, eat what I want, have the freedom. I can kind of leave the disability right. She can never have those moments of freedom that I have and she probably never will in her life. So as all the feelings I was putting into words I had with the situation, I'm sure on the flip side you know she could equally identify with all of those feelings I was having, with the rage and feeling alone, feeling trapped and feeling stuck and feeling limited and with no hope.
Speaker 2:That was kind of revelatory for me To the mother caregiver. You know I would love to be a mom to Emma and you know people will disagree with this but this is my view. I'm never going to be a mom to her. Really, I mean to me what a mom is is, you know, do all the typical things a mom does right. I make the birthday party that you love and I make the holidays special and I read to you stories and I cuddle with you and I listen to all your secrets and support your dreams and help you with your homework and take you to your friend's house and plan camps for you and watch you grow and evolve and go through all the stages of life and experience things and go on trips together. I mean that's to me everything I do with my mom, that's what a mom does.
Speaker 1:And it's essentially what you signed up for. When you have it right Totally, I mean that's the image. I mean that's the image. I want that yeah.
Speaker 2:Another recognition of how I very clearly acknowledge and admit that me wanting to be a mother is a very selfish endeavor of me wanting to have the experience of being a mom. I am not Emma's mother. I don't know what I am. It's almost like this undefined relationship. You know. Someone could argue okay, the way you mother her is different. Right, you mother her by being a caregiver, doing the things a caregiver does, but with more attention and more love and more history and connection. Okay, maybe, and interestingly, I should maybe take this as a little nod the only word she says is mommy. The only word she says I mean, well, understand, she says my name and then I come to her and then she attacks me or something or like kicks me or whatever you know, but you know I still struggle in the ways I can be a mom and not a caregiver, supervisor, scheduler and a diaper orderer and IEP attendant.
Speaker 2:And talking, you know, to her ABA therapist, I'm her real life manager. You know everything flows through me and I'm never going to be able to separate that nor change that and it's just part of the package deal and I don't enjoy any of it and I don't like any of it. I don't resent it as much. It is sad that that's what mothering is like for her and, if I can find little bits of, frankly, everything I do with her is out of guilt. If I take her to the park it's because nobody else can, and if I don't she'll never go. If I take her swimming it's because she loves it and it feels good, and if I don't take her she'll never go. So there's still a lot I do out of guilt and a burden I feel like I share alone, even though she has a lot of other support. So when you kind of do things out of guilt, it doesn't feel that good, and when you don't do them it doesn't feel good either. She's only 12. Ask me in 10 years, maybe I'll have a different answer.
Speaker 1:Well, I guess I want to highlight that this is where you're at right. There's something in actually just allowing yourself to be where you're at, without making it right, without making it wrong, and just saying this is how I feel. You might not agree with it, but this is where I'm at. So I appreciate you modeling that authenticity and the acceptance of where you're at. You're like. I don't like it, and that's okay. Thank you so much for sharing Surprise.
Speaker 1:We're going to take a pause right there. So in the recording I hadn't planned on making this recording, this conversation, into two episodes, but in editing we realized there was just so much goodness that it made more sense to break it up into two episodes, even though it was one conversation. So we're going to wrap up here today and not next week, but the week after that we're going to be back with the second part of this conversation. So this is actually a good reminder to make sure, if you are not subscribed to the podcast, go ahead and subscribe so you don't accidentally miss the second part of this conversation, because it is just as good as the first. All right, well, thank you for joining us and raise your hand. If you're now a raving fan of Diane. I know I am raising two hands over here, so come back for the episode and we'll see you next week.