The Race to Safety

I’m sharing a personal update about a recent unexpected hospitalization with my son Levi, and how I handle “hospital mode” when life throws a curveball. I also dive into how we try to outrun anxiety with our to-do lists—and why that just doesn’t work.

I talk about how to recognize when your nervous system is out of whack, why your to-do list might actually be adding to your stress, and simple ways to slow down, reset, and feel more grounded.

Here's another related episode: Anxiety and Your Never Ending To-Do List 

Connect with Kara, host of The Special Needs Mom Podcast:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespecialneedsmompodcast/
Website: https://www.kararyska.com/

Join the Community:
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Transcript

Speaker: 0:05

Hi, I'm Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. Fast forward past many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created the Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flair of possibility. In your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone, or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome.

1:14

Hello and welcome to the special needs mom podcast. All right. I come to you recovering. Last week, we had an unplanned hospitalization, and while my son Levi is all in for me telling all the details, because I asked him, I'm actually going to keep a lot of the details, just vague, why? It's for me. I'm not quite ready to share all the details, but here's what I will share what happened or the need for his hospitalization was unexpected. This is the prize. It was scary. It was very frustrating and naturally it was stressful. So pretty typical with most hospitalizations, right? So it's like, there's all the reasons why there's all the medical explanations that I could share. But the bottom line is it was unexpected. It was uncertain, it was scary, it was frustrating, it was stressful. And because hospitalizations are part of our normal, we as a family, me as an individual, able to transition to what I call hospital life or hospital mode rather seamlessly. It's actually, it kind of still impresses me a little bit. For me, it looks like kind of shifting into soldier mode where I can function at a very high level. in whatever stressful event I'm experiencing for me, I guess I'm kind of a natural as when it comes to turning off my feelings and being very kind of on top of things organized, well thought through and, definitely like an over functioning experience. you know, I can over function like it's an Olympic sport. So that part is actually for me, the What that also means for me is that transitioning back down into normal life where I'm no longer numb to emotions, where I want to get back to being in touch with like my heart, the parts of me that as a result of all the stress have to go into a deep freeze, that this experience. Is a little rocky and I've learned to accept that's just how it goes. That is normal. That is the pattern. I don't love it. Still don't love it, but it's what I've learned to kind of expect. And I met with one of my coaches on Friday and she helped me to see this. you know, I could see some, but it's always helpful to have, somebody else's insight to your experience. You know, we're just blind to a lot of things when we're living. So she helped me to really, really recognize that I was in this thawing process and helped me just to kind of understand a little bit of kind of where I was getting stuck. And it was just really helpful. I've also learned to be gentle with myself. And so it was super supportive to me to hear my coach's words, like remind me that I could go slowly in this thawing process. that walking might be a supportive place for me to like, let my nervous system reground, re regulate. It was great. Cause I, walking is, I've just been doing a lot of walking lately. So it was like, okay, good. My coach said that this is good. I'm going to go do it. So yeah. I've gone slowly, I've gone gently, and I share that because I'm actually really proud that I've learned to not do any of this perfectly. Don't get me wrong, but I've learned, to do this, because it's not what I was able to do in the beginning. And so I think it's just kind of fun to look back and have, kind of the, ability to reflect and to see how, we grow and how we change as, as moms and as humans. So today's episode is going to be definitely pulled out of, my personal reflections from this experience and something that's coming up time and time again with my clients. And before we get into kind of the, the. topic I want to highlight today, I actually want to share about the coaching community that I host called pathway to peace. And I oftentimes, what I'll refer to clients and you know, when we meet together and this and that, and I want to make sure you know that you're invited, that this is something that you can be part of if you want to, essentially this is a community of women. just like you, just like me and we meet weekly to share joys, successes, struggles, and most particularly it's through the coaching, lens. And it's, a space where we, yes, get to come as we are, but also get to orient our conversation towards more where we want to go. Maybe an area that we want to do it a little differently than we notice that we are in the moment. So, known as a coaching request. So, the format that we use, the coaching community, is meant to be super, accessible in all the ways, both in time investment, Energy investment, financial investment. And so if you would like to get more information, you can do so by finding the link on the show notes and it'll say something like get more information on Pathway to Peace, and I would encourage you to at least check it out. Let me know what questions you have and I will guide you in all the ways. Okay. So I don't know the final name of this, episode, but what came to my mind as I was drafting it was the race to safety. Also the concept here is outrunning or the attempt in outrunning our feelings or outrunning anxiety. Okay. And like I said, I'm going to use the experience that I had kind of over the last week, but even more specifically this morning to highlight something that I think plagues, I'm going to say most of us. And it starts with our innocent to do list. Oh, so innocent. But then it it takes on a little bit of a life of its own. Doesn't it? Have you experienced this? That your to do list is not simply a, you know, running list in your head or a big long actual piece of paper, but it has so much more weight and like energy of its own. So I want you to picture this, picture yourself on a Monday morning. You've just gotten your children or child off to school. And then you're turning to start your own day. So for you, maybe that's work. Maybe that's a little bit of work and house stuff. Maybe, it's you turning towards, all the caregiving responsibilities that you have. Maybe it's like making those calls and doing the orders and the reimbursements and the research. And do you just notice how this doesn't end, right? And you start to feel a little bit heavy. You start to feel a little bit squeezed, maybe feeling like you need to rush or hurry the urgency, the desire to have it all done at once. It all feels important. And there's like this subconscious message saying speed up, hurry, get on it. Now, you're not probably thinking those things consciously, but. There's like a knowing that you have that once you get all this stuff done, you're going to feel better. You'll feel accomplished. You'll feel settled. You'll at least feel better than you do now. So, do you relate? Do you relate to this at all? Maybe it's not Monday morning. Maybe it's every day. So here's my kind of synopsis of what's happening. to you in you really. So your nervous system is dysregulated. You've probably heard that language before. You've probably tried to teach your child all the things about their nervous system, but your nervous system is dysregulated. In other words, you don't feel safe. You certainly don't feel calm and you don't feel grounded. Your activated nervous system, so in other words, like when you're dysregulated, you're activated, you're escalated. Your nervous system's informing your physical body that you need to move. Something is out there that's not okay and it's time to go, to run, and like to move quick. Even as I'm saying this, I'm like feeling a little bit like, ah, we better go guys. It's not okay out there. The parts of your brain that determine the actual things you need. Is really not available to you like the higher level thinking skills that make decisions that take everything into consideration aren't on board. You end up actually having tunnel vision, very narrowed thinking, and very actual narrowed vision. Your eyes are on the prize for this list to get done. And there's this, I get you're convinced you haven't questioned it, but you're convinced that you're going to like, feel better once you get. To the end of this list, because what you think is on the other end of this list, again, this is a little bit subconscious is whatever it is that will make you feel safe. So what's happening here? The need that you have that, you know, you have is to get to safety and interestingly enough, your Your mind or your brain when we look at it through this, kind of angle doesn't necessarily distinguish between physical and emotional safety. And I think most of the safety that we are seeking is this emotional safety, but notice how it doesn't differentiate. So, like, thinking that you need to move and to run is appropriate for physical lack of safety, not necessarily as appropriate for this emotional aspect. There's not a distinguishment. And that's where you can kind of understand, Oh, well, no wonder why it's so hard to prioritize because I don't know whether I like literally need to go like run from something or I need to sit down and focus deeply on an application for something or another, right? So makes so much sense. I feel like why it's so disorienting and why prioritization why like it's all very hard to distinguish So again, what is this thing that I think you're trying to get to it's like Your being needs to know that you're okay, and it's trying to get to be okay. here's the catchy catch here. The very thing that you think is helping you get to safety is actually perpetuating, keeping you away from what you need. Let me make sure I like say this, cause it is like a little bit like a, a circle. It's like you're on a track that goes around and around and without questioning when you're on this track, you think that, okay, well, when I get to the end of the line there that I see out there ahead, which is like translation is like the end of your to do list. that you're like, Oh, well, then I'll be able to stop running. That's when the end is. But when you get to that end, you realize, Oh my gosh, there's actually a whole nother lap. This keeps going. And so you think there's an end, but you get to that end and you realize there is not one. So this is where I think the language of saying You can't outrun your feelings. You can't outrun your anxiety. You can't outrun fear. That doesn't stop us from trying though, right? Because if we do a quick little analysis of like, like, if you had a little camera in your house or your workplace or your hospital place, and you watched your actions, the things that you did with your time, how you moved about, you would probably be able to observe. That you're trying to outrun something, and normally we're not like connected to that. There's some big emotions under there that we actually want to, work our way away from. So back to kind of using my own experience this morning as an example, just to bring, kind of some structure to this concept in this conversation. I had just gotten my kids off to school. Actually, it was right before I was going to get them off. I was like thinking about going into my office and sorting out the plan I had for the day. It already started to feel heavy. I felt rushed, but like for no particular reason. I felt stressed, but for no particular reason, and I could kind of, I was kind of aware of this building up and I was like, wow, this is, this is not feeling very good. This is not feeling very good at all. And I sat down and I have a very specific way of planning my day that helps me, with my anxiety. There's episodes on it The anti anxiety way to plan your day or something like that. We'll link to that in the show notes. And so I did a quick download of all the things on my mind and I looked at the available time And guess what happened? I started to be like, Oh my gosh, I don't have enough time. I have to do all this. And it really like quickly went from, you know, nice Monday morning where I had kind of space, this morning before I have clients to, to kind of sort things out to feeling like I definitely had a slash my morning walk, like cut that out because we don't have time for that. And this overwhelming experience of too much to do, not enough time. I'm behind also a vague sense of no matter what I did, it wasn't going to be enough. We're going to call this a yucky feeling I didn't particularly enjoy this. There was really, not a lot of peace. Or joy in the experience I was having now, here's where thankfully I was able to kind of get enough elevation, enough pause to be able to do a little bit of reflection and maybe even course correction so that I didn't just jump on that track and start running. So that's where I think a lot of you are, what we'll just say is more practiced is just like, okay, this is what I have to do to feel better. And we're going to get on the track and we're going to start running. Cause we don't know what else to do. So if that is you, please know you're not doing anything wrong. You are incredible because guess what? Like you are doing everything that you can. And. You just haven't necessarily learned yet that that's not going to get you what you want, what you need. So I had this little bit of access to know that the thing that I actually needed to do was none of my to do list. Well, I should say walk was on my list. I knew it was part of my morning routine. And so I put it on there, like, okay, what do I want to do this morning? Walk. And so rather than striking that and trying to grab all of my productive, you know, producing energy, I kind of guided myself to slowing down into tending to myself. Cause remember what I told you about this last week for me, there was a lot of feeling and I was, in the process of coming down to that. So what I knew from experience from this pattern that I share with y'all is that there was a lot more than meets the eye that I was running from or attempting to run from. And those we'll just call them big feelings, processing feelings, having my whole being back online, not just the part that was going to survive and go into soldier mode at the hospital. So I walked, I went for a walk and for me, I had this, kind of longing to, I was actually like, Oh, I want to listen to a podcast. That's more, like scripture based or something along those lines. So I tried to find one. It was fine. I also was not very patient and like trying to find one. I was getting really frustrated. And so I ended up just listening to some music. And there was like a little bit of a, like a prayer app that I was sorting through on my Bible, which was funny because I did not know that my Bible app was set to a different language. And that language was American pigeon or something along those lines. And so I was like, why is this, why is this in like. Pigeon. Like I couldn't figure out why it was in like, kind of English, but not. and so that's just a very funny side note. Anyhow, I worked with what I had and it had this music on the app and it just actually helped make a space for me to Just be with the feelings that I had to let some of them breathe. They were looking under the surface. How do I know that? Remember back up to this like panic outrun experience that I was having in the morning. That to me is a cue that says something in my life needs tending. So in short, what was happening, the little course correction I had is I stopped trying to outrun my feelings by doing the whole to do list shenanigan, and I made a little bit of space for them to exist. And so for me, This gave me then the ability to kind of think about all of those things that are on my to do list with different, I want to say energy, but like with a different access to being able to feel like they're not all important at once. Like I was able to be like, okay, actually. If I want to, I can say no podcast this week because this was actually one of the things I'm like, Oh, got to get this podcast done. So I said, you know what? I can do that if I need to, I can strike that. I don't have to do it. Wind that back a couple hours earlier. It was like my, my mind is like, you've got to do it all and you've got to do it fast and you've got to do it well. So just in the couple of, I don't know, even hour, maybe. I was able to let go of the things that I was grasping for to try to keep me safe and secure. I got what I needed, because for me, that was connection to that spiritual aspect that it's important to me. So for me, God gives me access to, peace, to be like, Okay. there's a lot more going on in this whole life thing and I don't understand it, but I do know that I am not in control and I do know that if I let go, I feel better and just kind of marinating in like for me who God is and like letting my needs be a conversation. And again, tending to the things that I needed that is, maybe not the most organized podcast I've ever recorded. but that is a window into what's going on over here. And yay, what a win because I think also through the reflection I had of my own actual experience this morning, it gave me the inspiration for this podcast and knowing that, I get to kind of witness, in my client's life, the same stuff, right? Like, It's like, I'm the same as y'all, we're doing this together and that I knew that it would be applicable to. Many of you, so use the text function of the podcast to let me know how this episode went. Resonated or didn't resonate. If you have a totally different experience, I want to hear about it. Or if you do relate, I'd love to hear about that. So if you go on the show notes, you can say text the show now or something like that. and you can send me a message. It goes right to me. or my podcast app, I should say note, I can't write you back. So if you want to be written back to, you'll have to contact me a different way, maybe on Instagram or something of the like, but, it really means a lot for me to hear from y'all. And, you know, I picture, you guys as I'm recording, or as I'm thinking about recording and, and just the different little, aspects of the parts of your lives that you share with me. And so I thank you so much for that. And I'll see you next time. Let's give this one a wrap. So we'll see on the next episode, I look very much forward to continuing to do this messy, beautiful, we can call it inspiring, perplexing, challenging special needs mom life with y'all. All right. We'll see you in the next episode.