The Guilt of Receiving

Today, we’re diving into a topic that so many of us struggle with—receiving help. This conversation was sparked by a comment from our community about the guilt of accepting support, even when we know we need it.

In this episode, I explore:
✨ Why we resist help, even when it’s available.
✨ The hidden beliefs that keep us stuck in overdoing.
✨ Two big "potholes" in our thinking that block us from receiving.
✨ Simple mindset shifts to make accepting help easier.

If you’ve ever thought, I should be able to do more or other people need help more than I do, this episode is for you! We'll unpack these thoughts and gently rework them so you can open up to the support you truly deserve.

Connect with Kara, host of The Special Needs Mom Podcast:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespecialneedsmompodcast/
Website: https://www.kararyska.com/

Join the Community:
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Transcript

1:14

Hello, and welcome to the Special Needs Mom Podcast. So glad you're here. All right. So this episode is inspired by a couple of themes I'm seeing out there in the special needs mom world, but particularly by a comment that was left over on the Special Needs Mom Instagram, and it really stood out to me because I was like, Oh my gosh, like, I think this is so many of us. so. It was in response to a quote that we put up after the last community huddle episode. And the quote was, I realize I've been resisting help that's available to me. I feel like that kind of sounded funny when I read it, but basically it's like, Oh my gosh, I realize I have been resisting help that is available to me. That's much better, right? Okay. So the comment, the comment that was left is we have resources available to us for a support worker to come through daily for physio for my son. And I feel so guilty. I know we need the support, but I've always struggled to receive help. I feel I should be able to do more, even though I can't. I really need help to process this because it's going to be a game changer for us once it begins. Now, I love this quote for a variety of reasons. One, because she says physio, which makes me think she is from either Australia or Canada. Or the UK, I love books that are set in that area and they call physical therapy physio. And I just think it sounds way better. So that's cool. Secondly, I love, and I just really want to acknowledge her because she's like, I know, I know I need help. I know there's an opportunity here and basically I'm going to figure it out. Like it's going to be a game changer. I'm going to figure this out. And so I just, I really love that. And She also is giving us a really good clue as to where she's stuck. So we're going to actually break that down later, but I think, you know, raise your hand. If you relate to Ellie, I'm sure you're raising your hand because I'm raising my hand. I definitely think we all have areas we get stuck. As it relates to receiving, and that's why we're talking about it today. So before we continue on the episode and break it down, I do want to share with you that this episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth and they are a company I've talked about before. Their mission is to create a sanctuary for your body and in your home. And I don't know if I should admit how often I wear the pair of studio joggers that I have, like if They're seven days in a week and I say I wear them more than four days if we're rounding up and that's the whole week. That may or may not be the situation. I'm, I don't know if I need to be fully honest about that. I actually wear them a lot and I love them. So I encourage you to check them out. Other thing I want to encourage you to check out is the classic PJ set. I have them in gray and I love them. And one thing to note is I think that if your child has any sensory challenges as it relates to their clothing, the fabric that they use would be phenomenal. I know this because I have a lot of sensory needs and so it's, I think one of the reasons why I'm loving them so much. and yay, you as a listener get 40 percent off your purchase by using the promo code S N M podcast. So special needs mom podcast. Okay. Go check them out. All right. Now into this episode, this is going to be the first of a series. I haven't decided if it's going to be a two or three episode series, but it's the first of a series and it's related to all the many, many, many different little, I'm going to call them potholes that we come up upon as it relates to the experience of being a special needs mom, particularly because there's so many opportunities and needs. To ask for and receive help, support, assistance, whatever you want to call it. It has to do with the art of receiving, and I have done episodes on this in the past, and, I just thought, you know what, let's take a fresh look, fresh view. We'll link to the older episodes if you are interested, but before I get into breaking things down. I want to put in a caveat. And the caveat is that we're going to talk about some common pitfalls and some thoughts or beliefs that you very likely have. And I want to make sure that you promise me that that you will not use this against yourself. So what do I mean by that? It could be that you take some of the awareness that you get from this episode, and you turn on yourself and you say, Oh, see, I knew there was something wrong with me. Or here's another thing I'm falling short on, or any variety of An aspect where we could turn something that we learn about ourselves, the way we think, the way we show up, what we're doing or not doing. And we use it as further evidence, for kind of not making ourselves feel great. So don't do that. Please promise me because I love you. And I want good for you and spoiler alert, like we all, all, every single one of us, I can say this with certainty. We all have areas that if we start to examine them, we'll start to find things that, you know, might get a little sticky or might be like, Whoa, didn't know that was there. And I also want to change that. So this is yet another opportunity to. Bring kindness, curiosity, compassion. I want you to use this as a soft opening for reflection, for observation, for opening your door, the door to your own breakthroughs and moving kind of from where you're at now to the experience that is more what you desire, growth. As I mentioned, when we start to talk about places we get stuck or like these potholes, we dig up these thoughts or beliefs that we have about ourselves, others, or the world. Depending on, you know, the certain situation, we might have a thought about ourself that is hindering our ability to ask for and receive help. And so that's what we're going to look closer at today. They're super valuable to identify because then we can bring them into the light. I mean, it's kind of similar, like the value of identifying. Or in other words, giving a name to an experience, AKA a diagnosis is then we know how to treat it. We know what medicines already work. We know, more. And so the work here we're doing today is going to be furthering along in our awareness or in other words, identifying specific things. Things we think, we feel. We do or don't do so that again, we can maybe shift them a little bit towards where we want to go. My guess is that if I asked you, if you want it to be fully supported and have everything that you need. What would you say? My guess is you say yes. Like it's very unlikely that you'd be like, no, I don't want to be supported. Like you'd be like, that's kind of a silly question, Kara. Here's the interesting part, but it's also very likely that there are people saying, how can I help you or government agencies that are available or other avenues of having more support than you have. And. You're not taking that now again, this is not where we're going to go like, Oh, you're right, Kara. Like, I really should have called him. It's been on my list. No, no, no, no, we're not. We're not going to do that. we're just noticing areas where we might have a little stickiness and we're gonna, you know, work on that. So it's super fascinating when we again, put this microscope on where we're like, that is kind of weird that I'm like, yes, I want this. And it's right there. And there's something between where I'm at. And saying, I desire this and then going to create it and have it right. So today we're going to examine two distinct thoughts or in other ways of describing that is two distinct potholes that we come across in our life experience. First one is actually going to pull the exact comment that Ellie left in her Instagram comment. And it was great because what she wrote, and actually I'm going to go back up and read it, what she wrote is, I feel I should be able to do more, even though I can't. Now This is very, very common. She wrote, I feel I should. So it's actually not a feeling. We just in our, the way we talk is we always say like, I feel, and we say what we think. It's actually not that we're feeling that she told us how she felt. And that was so guilty. I love the articulation there. Okay, so her thought, if we're going to just kind of simplify it, I'm going to take off the I feel and I'm going to say her thought, her specific thought, her belief is I should be able to do more even though I can't. To simplify it even more, I should be able to do more. Okay. Now let's see how this exists in our lives. So it's very understandable. If that's the thought we're going to feel overwhelmed because if we should be able to do more and we're not, it's going to be overwhelming. What would be very likely from this belief structure is to over committing to just continue to say yes. Cause I should be able to do it all in burning out, struggling in silence. Because if you're like, I should be able to do it, like it would be very hard to admit to people. your shortcomings, your perceived shortcomings. So there's very likely going to be not even a sharing of, the experience because of this thought process. You might even come across maybe some resentment towards others who have more support because you should be able to do more and those other people look like they're having it so easy or experiencing it being so much easier, because maybe you also compare yourself to them. They're like, well, they must like be really, really good at whatever they're doing, because they're getting it all done. And I'm not. So just to break it down, when we're coming from this place of I should be able to do more, we're going to feel guilty, we're gonna feel prideful, We're going to maybe feel overwhelmed. Any, I mean, everyone's going to have a different experience. It's not a one size fits all kind of thing. And when we feel feelings of guilt, usually we hide. There's a lot of things we do. I'm just kind of summarizing some things that we might do or not do. So, Ultimately, from this thought, it's going to be inevitable that you're going to be doing it on your own. Why? Because you should be able to do it on your own. So what do we want instead? Well, we want help. We want more support. We want to be able to receive that physio without guilt. Maybe, I don't know what, I don't know what Ellie would say, but like maybe it would be with gratitude or maybe it would just be neutral, like maybe I just don't have any feelings about it. Or maybe it would be with, curiosity of like, Oh, what can we learn here? I don't, I don't know how to do this. It could be a lot of different things. Everyone's going to want something different. So what we can do is we can take that base or starting belief. And we can start to like modify it a little bit. We can work with it either to debunk it, to be like, actually, that's not true. Or we can work to build a new belief. there's no one way to do this. And sometimes you might need to do both. The idea is after we spot and identify and put the magnifying glass on this particular thought or thought pattern or set of beliefs, then we can start to. Edit. Work with it. Gently guide ourselves somewhere different. And two, I guess what I'll call is sentence starters that can be really helpful in this process is, It's possible, and I'll give examples, or what if, so what if I don't expect myself to do it on my own? I've taken that base thought, I should be able to do it on my own, or I should be able to do more. and It's brought a little bit of curiosity like well, what if I don't expect myself to do it on my own? Maybe guides you to like why don't expect others to do it on I don't expect my kid to do it on their Own do you see how it kind of opens that like? Oh, hmm didn't think about it that way Or, yeah, maybe I don't think I should be able to do it on my own as much as I thought I did. So, the other sentence starter that kind of, jump starter, if you will, is it's possible. And so, with this particular thought that we're working with, you might say it's possible that I can't do everything on my own. So, we're actually not even addressing the should thing. But we're just actually maybe accepting that, ooh, yeah, actually, hmm, my child needs 24 hour care. I'm a human, I need sleep. And so the math doesn't work. So it's actually possible I can't do everything on my own, or you might even be able to soften it there. it's possible that I can't do everything on my own and still be healthy because you might be like, well, Carrie, you've never seen how strong I am. I can do 24 hour care and I can do it all. I bet you can. But we had that and be healthy or an and be happy on there and you're like, Ooh, yeah, that's where we drop off a little bit. So that is our first thought that or feeling, I guess it's all the things. It's like all the whole package that comes along with a first. Area that we looked at now, we're going to move on to the second one. We're going to look at today and it is. Other people deserve or need help more than I do. This is so common. So it's very likely that one may feel guilty, maybe even a little like creepy if you then are like getting help. And you're like, Oh my gosh, like other people deserve this more than I do. Can you even just imagine like wanting to hide? unworthy, right? You're going to feel unworthy and unworthy is not a pleasant feeling. So what would be very, very predictable and likely to happen from this thought process, this experience, this way of being would be declining offers of help. No, thank you. We got that covered because guess what? Sally down the street has X, Y, Z going on. So let go help or avoiding requesting anything. Like, not asking for any more than you're already getting. And of course, minimizing your struggles. Other people need it more than I do. Like that, you see that just totally cancels out the possibility of you having a need, a desire. So what do we do with this one? Where do we want to take this one? I'm giving several examples, but the sky's the limit here, ladies and everybody. like this would be a really fun, workshop, because I think people could come up with things that are so unique to you. And also I think this is one of those things where when we get our brain activated in this area, like it comes up with great ideas. And so what do we do? So we're starting at other people deserve or need help more than I do. So you might go, it's possible that I can get what I want and need and others can too. You see what I did there? It's like, Oh, wait a second. you're taking me off the spectrum of like, Only one of us can get help. And you're saying, wait, what if it's possible that me and Sally down the street can get help? Whoa, that's a great idea like that. Or what if I am worthy of receiving and accepting help? So that's just kind of, hmm. Interesting. Well, what would make me worthy of it? And maybe you're like, well, no, I, I think I am worthy of it. And like, you actually get to kind of melt away some of the, just undistinguished questions or you get to center on, no, I'm worthy because I'm a, I'm a mom, I'm a human being and human beings. I do believe that they're inherently worthy. So since I'm human. I'm going to practice believing that I'm going to think that a little bit more about myself. I'm not going to disqualify myself from the human race. And I'm going to recognize I am worthy of receiving help, period. Okay. Maybe another one. What if accepting help actually helps others in an unpredictable way? So this one kind of manipulates your martyrdom. And it's like, okay, fine. If me accepting help helps somebody else, then I can do it. And I'm kind of, I'm obviously kind of being snarky about it, but Hey, you know what? If it works, let's give it a go. Because I think actually, I think about, some aspects of, what personal work I have had to do to be the mom my children need, particularly Levi and it, definitely drives me to go deeper, to work harder. And I think that's great. Right. So it's like manipulating me to want to do the really hard things because I care so much about those stinking kids. So if you care so much about other people and you want everyone to have everything and then you can be like, well, I'm helping not Sally cause she already got the help she needed, but I'm helping Margaret down the street because she feels good when she helps people. I'm letting her help me and that's helping her. So boom, that's what we call a win win. Okay. I'm simplifying like, this is probably not exactly how you're going to think, but like I think. You know, we're using these very concrete examples for when you're out in the wild, when they're occurring more naturally. Okay. Now we're going to wrap there. These are some simple concepts, but super powerful and super nuanced. So I do hope that you, as you listened along, thought about, okay, how does this apply to me? What resonates with me because you might be like, no Kara like that is not it for me. Well, don't you worry. Listen to the rest of the series because I bet you will find something that resonates in some way or another. And if you're like, Oh, this is kind of fun. This is kind of fun, breaking it down, creating some awareness, maybe like finding some areas of practice. like the idea of wow, it can go differently being a little bit inspiring. All right. If you're getting a little geeky about these things, like I am, then you will love the coaching community that I run. It's called Pathway to Peace. We do some of this. Like we certainly do this. In different ways and more, we got community, we got coaching, we got cool people got to say that. And the other day we actually met for what I call the power hour. And it's just an hour that we collectively set aside. I set up a zoom room and we met together to do the hardest things that we maybe had been avoiding. We made it fun. So we created some accountability. At the beginning of the hour, we told each other, like, what are we going to get done during this hour? And then at the end we came back, we celebrated in between. There were some places where some people needed support and it was super fun. People walked away being like, yes, man, I got that thing done that was like really hard to do. I needed a little bit of like arms wrapped around me saying, you got this. And it was great. So we're going to definitely do that again. And so I hope you're like, Hmm, yeah, I kind of want to learn more about that. Go take a gander at the show notes and you will see a button that says learn more and you can click on that too. You got it to learn more. And with that, we will see you on the next episode.