The Jerky J: Tackling Self Judgement

In this episode, I talk about the sneaky voice of self-judgment that creeps in when we’re feeling inadequate. I share a personal story of how I’ve learned to recognize and deal with these judgmental thoughts, and why it’s important to show ourselves some compassion.

If you've ever felt that nagging doubt about not being good enough, this episode is for you.

Connect with Kara, host of The Special Needs Mom Podcast:
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Website: https://www.kararyska.com/

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Transcript

0:05

Hi, I am Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. Fast forward, past many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created the Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flare of possibility in your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome. Hello and welcome to the Special Needs Mom podcast. Well, that was a close one, which is kind of funny. I almost just recorded on the wrong microphone, which would've been detrimental. And, funny because I'm actually recording this episode to make up for an interview that we lost. been almost five years and it's the first time that tech you know, just didn't work for us. For me specifically. My microphone stopped working halfway through the interview, and that's a bummer, but don't you worry, we'll sort that out. So I wanted to bring a topic today that I just have been thinking about in my own personal work and journey, and it does continue to come up with the amazing, beautiful moms that I get to work with. It's a little bit of the backstory. One of the things that I will call good about the devastation of my son's tumors is that it really forced me to grow and process and evolve and become the mom and person I wanted to be. And I needed some major reconstruction. I had a lot of opportunity, is what we can call it. I started with very, very few skills, skills to be able to process emotion, to regulate my own system, to communicate, to do many things that are really quite essential for the special needs mom journey. And, and one of the things that's part of that is the whisperings of doubt of my own self-worth along the way. Another part kind of paired with this is that I'm a little bit of a fighter. I can think back to things I did all the way back to high school, and I am gonna be the person that just can't keep her mouth shut. Not always, but. I'm sometimes just very bad at holding my tongue and I kind of love that part of myself, even though I don't sometimes love the mess that it feels like it makes. And this is why I make a much better business owner than I do employee. ask my former bosses, they would tell you. There's this dynamic that I'm talking about of how I treated myself that long went unchecked. I feel like, I wanna make sure I'm talking about this in both the present and past tense because I do not want to insinuate that. This is, I'm speaking from a place of arrival, as in one and done. I have figured this out and I will tell you all the secrets. This is really much more about what it looks like to do the ongoing work, that it takes to continue loving ourselves very deeply. And that's ultimately what this conversation is about. And so this dynamic that I was kind of forced to look at in the journey of being Levi's mom that long went unchecked is like this undercurrent of questioning and thinking of my sufficiency of feeling like I'm not good enough, or there's something wrong with me, I share these things openly because I know I'm not alone. I know with certainty that most of us struggle with some of these core type things. And I would say it's almost like it used to yell at me, and now it's learned to be a little bit more clever, just like with little hints and little doubts that effectively still. Spin me into essentially shame and just feeling awful. And I wanted to bring this conversation to the podcast because like I said a moment ago, I know I'm absolutely not alone in this. And I think the more we can bring these things into the light and into conversation and collectively not just look at them. But collectively be with them in a place of love and compassion, kindness and curiosity. Then I genuinely think that will transform communities and our own lives. So if you do find yourself maybe berating yourself loudly or maybe it's more quietly and sneaky, Let's take this opportunity to kind of be playful with how we're going to approach it today. So I'm gonna introduce a new character. I don't know why, but this character is a male, is. Masculine. Maybe that's a better way of saying it. the new character I would like to introduce you to is who I'm going to call the Jerky J. I don't know why it has the too. It just feels like it works. The Jerky J. And this character is Judgment. Does this character pick on you? My guess is yes. And I'm bringing levity because like with this cute little nickname, I mean, maybe it's not that cute. I thought it was kind of cute. I was on a walk, I was like, the Jerky J I'm gonna name the podcast the Jerky J. And either people will think it's like super fun and be wondering about it and listen, or they'll be like, that sounds weird. I'm not listening. So we'll see how that goes. Okay. But I thought it was kind of cute and I think what happens is we hear, oh, okay, don't, don't judge yourself. We're like, yeah, duh. We know we're not supposed to do that. yeah, but we're still judging ourselves. So there is a disconnect. And I genuinely think, what's happening is that we're so used to it. We're so used to our own normal that we don't even notice that we're doing it. I almost get a picture of of somebody in the gym that's like, I don't know, doing squats or something, and like in their mind things are doing it with perfect form and then the coach comes over and, and basically says, Ooh, yep, let's work on that a little bit in, you know, a nice way. And then you realize, oh my gosh, I didn't even know I was doing that. And like you thought you were doing it like in your mind you pictured yourself like with pristine form.'cause you know you're not new to the gym. You got this. And so I think that's what is happening is that I think most of us, if I asked you point blank like, Hey, do you judge yourself harshly? You'd be like maybe a little bit here and there. And so I think what's happening is it's not these huge apparent like, holy cow, that is judgment. Like that's glaring in her faces and so easy to detect. I think it's the. Little whispers of the jerky Jay that are getting us, I know he's getting me. So what does this judgment look like? This is a little breakdown of the pattern that I want you to pay attention to it. It looks like this. I have an experience or a feeling, kind of the two go typically hand in hand. And then I make an assessment about having that thought or feeling. I. This assessment usually will define my goodness or my value, some maybe my identity. There's gonna be some correlation to what I think this means about how I feel. That's the judgment. And very often there's a fatal flaw connected like. This thing is like relegated to lurk in the shadows because there are parts of us that we're like, Ooh, if people really knew that's what I was feeling, what would they think? What does that mean about me? They might consider us wrong, or unlovable or unacceptable. Especially confusing, I'll say is if you're like, but I don't even actually believe that you might have. Like conflicting judgments about yourself and or other people and you're like, this doesn't make any sense. So that's kinda the general pattern of judgment. So you see how it's like something happens and you already have feelings that might already be hard, but then it's this jerky Jay, the jerky J that swoops on in and sprinkles his nasty little. Smoke over everything and it just clouds all of it. It's like, as I'm saying this now, I'm like picturing like him taking the situation and just like filling it with dark smoke to where you can't even see what's actually happening anymore because it's so infiltrated with judgment that's thick and heavy and yuck. So I'll bring the concept to life with an example and. So I made up one that came to my mind recently. Well, actually I didn't make it up. It's real. There was a picture, this, this is all the way back to last summer. I was talking about it with, in our Pathway to Peace community. And so that's why it's on my mind. But, there was a mom who I love, like she's an incredible mom. I have like zero beef with her and or her children and she's not a super like in my circle person. Like I saw her on Instagram and there was this really. Cute picture of her boys at the beach, and I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was like she was celebrating like the beauty of teenage summers and that was, hard for me to see. I have to say I saw it and I just sent me into such an awareness of how drastically different.'cause Oh, these boys, her sons happened to be kind of my older two son's ages. Right? So like same, same Except for not same at all. Because that experience of this picturesque picture of summer at the beach live in San Diego. So like, you know, that's the thing we do and that was so, so starkly different from the experience my son Levi was having that I just was so sad. I was jealous and it just, it did not feel good for me to see that picture and what it did to me to kind of instantly jump into, comparing it to that which I did not have. Now, that part I have no issue with. Those were my feelings and I think they're legit. And this is where the jerky Jay weasels? his little way in. This guy is sneaky. So they weasel their way in the jerky J. And brings. Judgment, rightness or acceptability about how I felt or thought. So this is where the jerky Jay might toss out a thought like, Ugh, I should be able to be happy for her. Like kind of making myself wrong for having a feeling of jealousy or maybe even going to a spot where I often do, which is when we feel insecure or hurt, we attack or critique something else about the other party in service of making ourselves feel better. I don't like that I do this. This is an easy thing to judge and yet we also do this so. Going into this attack or critique and like maybe even picking apart, I don't recall that I did this again, it was quite a while ago, but like, maybe like, oh, she doesn't look good in that outfit. Or she doesn't even have any idea how good she has it. So maybe like attacking, attacking her character or anything else that could come up with judgment. Of attacking or like critiquing that. Clearly isn't like what I would want in a friendship, right? So you can see how then I can even, spin me into more judgment. The jerky J might Then say like, I am such a bad person for thinking this. So that is the jerky. JI could give many more examples except for. I don't have time. Remember how I said my episode that we had scheduled got destroyed? Well, so I had to squeeze this one in. So we're working with what we got in terms of the time, but what do we do about this character, about this jerky, Jay? Well, I think sometimes we think let's just be mean back to him. Or let's put him in jail. Let's lock him up, hide him. Stop him with force. And that might work for a second, but probably we'll then produce more judgment. That's our opportunities to be like, Ooh, yeah, I see you over there, Jay. Yeah. Looks like you're hurting. And I see that you feel like you need to make an A story about, about how we feel. So you see how I'm like, wait, what? We're talking to both of ourselves. This is both me and the jerky. Jay having a conversation. Two together. The idea is to poke holes in the story.'cause you know what? Here's the thing. The jerky, Jay, he's actually trying to have her back. He's like, I know what we'll do. We'll solve this by figuring out how to make you stop feeling this way. And so consider that this part of you is actually working for you. But just not very good at his job. I mean, good at making you feel judged, but not very good in, in like actually having your back in a way that's helpful. So, poking holes in the story of the jerky, Jay is inviting yourself to accept how you feel, period. And a really good, helpful prompt for this is when you're having a feeling, even if the jerky Jay shows up, I should say, when you notice the jerky, Jay shows up asking yourself this question, what if it's okay to feel the way that I do? And you see, it's kind of almost a rhetorical question, but I think it, it de powers. Enough of the story to kind of like almost put down the weapon to then lead us naturally to actually process the emotion. So an example I gave is like, okay, if I'm not judging how I'm feeling, then the work is just actually to go feel the sadness or the jealousy that there is to feel. Because there's a lot of feelings that we have, feelings, the emotions, experiences that we have as special needs moms that are hard, real hard. Rather than shutting things down, we get to actually open things up and prevent the judgment from mucking everything up and creating some stagnation, stagnation from the stench of judgment. So your first step now is just to notice. To notice when you are being afflicted by the jerky J. Or notice when you are critiquing. Judging yourself or others, even just honestly just noticing that you're doing it is huge. It's a huge step forward. So it's almost like I want you to consider, if you notice, if you stop and notice, hey, I'm judging myself right now, or you know, oh, the jerky J is like out, out to play. I want you to celebrate and say, look, I did it. I did the thing. And that's huge. And again, when you notice any of it,'cause let's just say you've gone to town with the jerky, Jay, you are having a party, you're dancing the tango. You get to love that part of you too. And you're allowed to feel all of the feelings, even if it's the shame from having the judgment. And remember, this doesn't mean anything about you. It's so important to remember that part. It is the part that I have the hardest time remembering. if you are like, okay, like your ideas, Kara, that's good. This will, like I don't know if I'm gonna be able to take this podcast and then go and necessarily apply it, which I think you can. So there's no doubt there you got what you need. But if you're like, oh, this would be so much more fun in community where we can kind of laugh and cry together. I want you to consider that, this is exactly what we do in the Pathway to Peace Coaching Community. So that would be the exact place for you to continue and do this work. And this work's transformational. So if you wanna learn a little bit more about the community, there is a link on the show notes. I can't remember exactly what it says, but basically it'll say something like, learn more here, or Path to Peace coaching community. Click here. I hope you do that because we're a fun bunch. And you know, there's something about being in community with women who can meet themselves exactly where they're at, even with the Jerky J and also declare, Hey, we're working on this together. There's hope for us, there's possibility for us. It doesn't have to feel this way forever. So, all right, I think we've done it, and, we'll see you on the next episode.