Discovering the Power of Authentic Connection with Tara Heaton

In this episode, I'm joined by Tara Heaton, a writer, speaker, and master storyteller with over 25 years of corporate experience. Tara’s journey took a turn when her daughter, Caroline, developed encephalitis, which led to a seizure disorder and ongoing medical challenges. Tara shares how her career in sales helped her build genuine relationships and how those skills have translated into advocating for her daughter.

We dive into the importance of asking for help, the struggles of balancing motherhood and personal well-being, and the deep emotional journey of accepting the limitations and joys of parenting a child with special needs. Tara’s reflections on shifting from chasing fleeting pleasures to embracing intentional joy are powerful and inspiring.

This episode will leave you with valuable insights on building real connections and finding joy even amid hardship.

Resources Mentioned:

• Life Minutes: Igniting Joy From The Fire of Heartache by Tara Heaton
• Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff

Connect with our guest,  Tara Heaton:

• Connect@enpointeglobal.com
• IG: @taraheatonauthor
• LinkedIn: Tara Heaton

Connect with Kara, host of The Special Needs Mom Podcast:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespecialneedsmompodcast/
Website: https://www.kararyska.com/

Join the Community:
Pathway to Peace Coaching Community is currently open for enrollment. Instantly get access to authentic community and weekly coaching! Give yourself the gift of growing alongside moms who deeply understand you and will be with you in your joys and sorrows. --------> Learn More HERE

Transcript

KARA: 0:05

Hi, I am Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. Fast forward, past many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created the Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flare of possibility in your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome. Hello and welcome to the Special Needs Mom podcast. I'm excited to have this conversation and to bring another interview style conversation to you. First, I have to tell you about what I just did. I just spilled a half a cup of coffee on my lap. Now don't you worry. It was not warm. It was cold coffee. But it was still a bummer. I had to change my outfit and you know, I work from home, so I only have like two outfits. So that left me wandering around what thinking, what should I wear? But don't you worry, I found a pair of soft pants and I'm sitting here comfortably and ready to tell you about today's guest. So today's guest will be Tara Heaton. She's a writer, a speaker, and a master storyteller. She comes to us with over 25 years of corporate experience and like so many of us has pivoted in her own life due to the developing disabilities of her daughter, to share her story with us and specifically to be a voice for, I think what is good about her journey and many of ours, and that is the. Journey to discover who we are, the depths of how far we will go to help our children, and then ultimately the depths of how far we will go to help ourselves. And so she's gonna tell you about all the things. We're gonna unfold it all in the episode. I'm not gonna spill all the beans right now, but I encourage you to listen, particularly if you find yourself not feeling very joyful, not really feeling like you have. Gotten on the other side of all of the challenges, the grief, the sorrow, the heartache of the special needs mom journey. Not to say that's gonna go away, but if you don't experience having both sorrow and joy, this is gonna be a great episode for you, hopefully to inspire some ideas, some hope, some inspiration. And with that, let's get into the interview. Welcome, Tara. Well, Tara, we have trudged through storms, uphills both ways, but we have finally made it here together. Welcome to the podcast

Tara: 3:37

and I am delighted to be here, Kara.

KARA: 3:40

like I had mentioned it just a second ago, this is our second conversation, so this is our take two. Tara has been so kind to come back again because my recording got messed up. And then what's funny is, we were on the line to record again and my application that I usually use to record. Was not working and it was beyond my tech skills to figure out why it wasn't working. So I still have to go figure that out. But don't worry, we are quick to pivot. We're ladies that are quick on our feet and we have a workaround. So here we are. Alright, so let's get into the goodies. Tell us a little bit about who you are, where you're from, a little bit about your becoming as a special needs mom.

Tara: 4:20

Oh, thank you. Thank you. I live in the south. South Carolina to be specific. most of my life I've lived in Atlanta. but interestingly I raised three fabulous children who are adults now in Athens, Georgia. and it was during that time that I was running a business. It was very competitive business, had a very loving husband. And, just as my business started to take off, my middle daughter, Caroline, she was 12 years old. She was social, she was a swimmer, she was a great student. We were really living that American dream and out of nowhere she got a virus that the pediatrician said, oh, it's just a little virus. It will run its course and run its course. It has. it traveled to her brain and caused her to have encephalitis, and that encephalitis caused her to have a seizure disorder and that seizure disorder. Has caused me to study neuroscience for over now 20 years because it was damaging her hippocampus, which is part of her limbic system. So I definitely dove right in deep. I didn't tell you about my work, but I think that's what brings us together is today Caroline has a lot of special needs and that has been a gradual process.

KARA: 5:39

Great to hear a little bit more, and Actually, one of the things I wanted to do is dive deeper into your work and you said it's a competitive business. What was the work that you did before when you, as you mentioned you were living the American dream?

Tara: 5:53

Yeah, so that, work is actually behind me, but most of my career is in sales and I was running a small business, but I represented a very large company, so it was kind of like a franchise. And I was calling on high schools trying to win accounts in the world of class rings, caps and gowns diplomas. It was extremely competitive. and I was competing back in those days against. All men. So through a lot of hard work and learning to follow my heart and my gut, I really built a beautiful business. Then I sold that business and went to work as the national sales trainer for that company. and I did that for many years before I launched my own company, which is what I'm doing today. And the name of that company is OnPoint Communication. And that work with neuroscience as the foundation. Because I, over the years, I just continued to have these aha moments of, wow, that's why these authentic conversations work. That's why storytelling is so very powerful and effective. So I've taken all that neuroscience and I've built a platform called Talk to the Brain. So I help people to connect on a deeper level and make a greater impact, and that's through retreats. I teach a lot of storytelling workshops. I do some keynotes. I do a lot of writing, all surrounding communication.

KARA: 7:15

Awesome. I wanna go back to your time as a sales trainer. What do you think makes a really, really great salesperson?

Tara: 7:26

Oh, I was not expecting this. I was just telling someone the other day that there are two ways to go about sales if you, you know, really from big picture. And one is to be really slick and be a master at strategy and just really know how to, close that deal. And the other way is to build trust and connection with people. And that is the only way I knew how to do it. So to me that is what makes a great salesperson, is to build trust. That's the word. Authenticity is so overused. I like to use the word genuine or sincere, but to build a connection with someone so that they truly trust you and what you have to say. It builds credibility and that's what makes a great salesperson.

KARA: 8:14

Yeah, I thought of that question last night when I was laying in bed. I was like, you know, having sales in my background as well. I started my career, in horticulture, so not sales at all, but I found my, myself in one sales position after another. I. Hmm. And so I, I don't know, having experience in it, and it's, at one point in my career, I was a sales manager of, our team and had no formal training, right? It was just figuring it out as I went. But I was like, you know, I think what, what made us good is this, this trust and relationship thing that you pointed out. I don't know if I would've articulated it, but I, I would, I can see that being a factor. And the reason I wanted to ask you this question is because. I'd be curious to hear your experience as your world's kind of collided, or I should say probably different for your story as your sales career then had to transition to being that I. Of a mom of a child who had first a lot of intense medical need, but then now needs a lot of support all around. How have you transitioned the skills that you had developed as a sales trainer to be a really excellent mom and advocate for your daughter?

Tara: 9:31

Hmm. that's a great question and, and it just brings so much clarity to, I think what I was trying to say first about sales and then I'll take it to being a mom. I. Early on in my sales career, I thought that being a great salesperson was sitting down, listening, asking great questions, and really getting to know the person, but something was missing. And what was missing is me sharing a bit about myself. So it wasn't a relationship until I learned to open up and also let them see a little bit more about me than just this happy go lucky. Very positive. I'm gonna be a great service provider. So over time I built true relationships with my customers. They knew about my world as well. and so when Caroline first got sick, I stepped away from work, let my colleagues take the reins for a while, and then when I came back on the scene. I continued to win business and grow during one of the darkest times in my life, and that happened because of the relationships I had built and what I learned, which I'm still practicing and learning today, that really applies to being the mom of a special needs daughter, is we have to accept help. And I'm still learning that today it is lonely to do it alone. And for me, there's a lot of like guilt around, oh, if, if I bring Caroline, it's gonna take away from what might be a better experience for my friends, or asking them to come and stay with her feels like such a huge lift. And people that love us, I mean, that's part of humanity and that's part of my study. We all love the feeling of helping. Mm-hmm. So that was a big learning piece from sales and being special needs mom, and I'm still in sales, quite honestly. I'm selling my business of course, every day.

KARA: 11:25

Yeah. Well thank you for adding this piece in about accepting health and I would love to go there even a little bit more. I wanna back up and give a little bit more context because I just jumped right in after you kind of told me an introduction of your story'cause I was intrigued. and I wanna make sure people kind of have the context of where you find yourself in life now. So Carolyn was 12 at the time of her initial diagnosis and essentially the start of her disability. And she's 33 now. Do I remember that correctly? Exactly. Yeah. So I think, yeah, I can picture you in your life and having, you know, your other children grown and out of the house and navigating what it looks like to be the mother of an adult and integrating her into your life, into your community's life and, the aspect that you hit on about. Both need a desperation to accept help, not just accept, but ask for help, but kind of the importance in how you're learning it. What do you think are the. Ways that you've learned to ask for help. So now they used to maybe be challenging, but now they're kind of maybe normal,

Tara: 12:38

primarily. it was about resources. So, you know, it wasn't about emotions for me at first, it was just like a, the business of being Caroline's mom. And now the way that I ask for help and also the way that I give help. Is to not discuss what's going on with our children, but it's how it's affecting us as mothers and when we can connect on that level, it makes you feel validated and it also gives you an energy because there's this trusted connection like. the opposite of what I call the pretense of happiness or toxic positivity. That we just pretend that everything's great and it could be so much worse and that this is, you know, every moment is just living that dream and we have a smile on our face. no, there are hard moments. There are heart moments that are filled with heartache and disappointment. And to be honest about that, with friendships, that is accepting help and it is giving help and that feels good. I.

KARA: 13:39

Yes it does. Yes it does. I wanna highlight this aspect of what you just shared.'cause I think, you know, you've talked about the skill and the practice of storytelling, and I talked about that in different times in various episodes, and it's kind of, you know, weave throughout. But this aspect that you hit on, in when you're connecting with people that it's not about what's going on specifically, but about how it's affecting you as a mother. And that's how you know. You hear my story of my son having a brain tumor and I hear your daughter's story of having encephalitis. Very different stories, but the impact, especially given the nature of, of where the brain injury is, has a lot of similarities. So we can connect on the feeling, the emotion, and the impact to our journey as mothers. So thanks for highlighting that. What are practical ways that you go out there and like actually connect? That way with people?

Tara: 14:38

Well, my community, Kara, is not just special needs moms. I mean, most of my friends don't have children with special needs. And here's something that has really helped me even lately, is all of my friends always wanna ask me about Caroline and how she's doing, and. Because I feel their love, I feel compelled to go into a little detail about how she's doing, and sometimes I just need a friend to distract me from what might be a really tough time with Caroline. So I rather than saying, oh, everything's fine, it's okay, it's just part of my life. Sometimes I'll answer with, I love you for asking. Please don't ever stop asking. But today. It's just not something I wanna get into. I just, I wanna be a friend outside of being a special needs mom, and we need to give ourselves permission for that. That can't be the only thing that defines us. It's

KARA: 15:37

too

Tara: 15:37

hard.

KARA: 15:40

I think that's brilliant because it's really honoring. you in the relationship it's saying,'cause I, it was funny is this actually just literally happened to me two days ago and it wasn't for me. I wasn't necessarily in a space that I didn't wanna talk about it, but I can picture this kind of phenomenon where I saw a friend from college, she asked how Levi was and I, you know, gave an update. It was all good, but I can see how then that actually is like, well we didn't connect. She got information about my son. But that she didn't necessarily hear how I was doing. And so by you kind of giving yourself the permission to not always have to talk about All the things. Caroline. Then that creates a real deep place for you to connect and for you to leave that conversation, feeling seen, known, accepted, held, love, all the things. How do people usually respond to that?

Tara: 16:31

They're grateful. I think that it makes'em stop and, and just, you know, pause for a moment. it is natural as mothers, most of my friends mm-hmm. I ask about their children. And most of my friends have adult children now. They ask about mine and by the time we go through all what our children are going through. One of us typically is gonna have to go and get off the phone or, you know, in the coffee. So, I try to not always make my conversations about what is going on, but how I'm navigating it. And that, as I mentioned, makes for a really authentic connection and that gives us energy to, mm-hmm. Warrior on through the rest of our day. That gives energy because it's a chemical called oxytocin and it explodes inside us.

KARA: 17:17

Yeah, I was thinking of you this morning because I am reading a book called Self-Compassion by Kristen Ness. I'm almost sure it's Kristen Ness. We'll have it correct in the show notes and there I was reading a chapter called The Chemical of Care. And I was like, oh, Tara would like this. And, actually wrote it down. I was like, that would make a good podcast episode title. so that might be coming, but tell us a little bit more. Okay, so you sales, training, sales, all that. Then you studied neurology. So that's where this expertise in even bringing up, you know, specifically one of the hormones, the chemical of care as we know it, oxytocin. How did you kind of approach your studies to neurology and kind of where did you dive into?

Tara: 18:04

Well, primarily I started studying the brain because I was absolutely desperate to stop Caroline's seizures. I'm still on that journey to stop her seizures. She still has seizures and I'm always, we're trying something new right now. I'm always trying something new, but I realized that. Through my studies, I realized that I was living on the energy of fight. And so what I have over time coined really two phrases and they all come under something called pleasure stacking and one is I was living off. Little micro pleasure stacking and that was for me back in those days, embarrassingly caffeine, nicotine and cardio. Mm-hmm. That was giving me like massive dumps of dopamine. It was giving me adrenaline and it was giving me some endorphins that I could run on that

KARA: 18:54

I'm just picturing you like so skinny and like running everywhere you go everywhere.

Tara: 18:58

So true. People would ask me, how do you say so skinny and I would say caffeine, nicotine and Listerine. So sad. But I was also doing something called macro pleasure stacking. And what macro pleasure stacking is, and again, I've coined this term, it is the drive for a big goal. Like if I can just stop Caroline's seizures, it's gonna put my entire family back together like a Hallmark movie. And I was also living on that energy. The more I studied, the more I realized. While I was living on dopamine, adrenaline, you know, forget what I was doing, but it was just giving me this constant energy of mostly dopamine and norepinephrine. I was not allowing myself to slow down and feel the, not only feel connection with friends, but I wasn't allowing myself to really feel my pain or the pain of my children. So people say, you know, how do you stay? Or How did you stay so strong? That was a weakness, Kara. Mm-hmm. I was not strong enough to feel those emotions because I was afraid of them. I was afraid that they would take me down and I would not be able to rise up again. And so fast forward today to answer your question. I don't have it Perfect. I still pleasure stack with some popcorn and wine and Netflix sometimes. but. I also know how to get sustainable energy and to live a more joyful life, even in the face of heartache. And that is primarily through really robust relationships. And there are studies to back this up, like solid, longtime studies that I'm happy to cite.

KARA: 20:38

This image that you gave of. This past self that you can very vividly look back at who's run enough the nicotine, caffeine, and cardio one. I sense that you have a lot of compassion for that past self. Who in your own words. Wasn't strong enough to be with those emotions. I'm curious what changed for you so that you could venture in to those spaces of that deep emotion that really you weren't able to be with at that time?

Tara: 21:14

The biggest thing that changed for me, and it wasn't one moment in time, but somehow some Buddhist concepts started to come into my life. And I don't claim to be a Buddhist, but some of those concepts started me on a path toward peace. And the biggest thing that I took from that is this. I was looking to fight off grief until it was gone and heal from it. And today I accept the fact that I will forever have heartache around what Caroline has lost and the dreams that she will never, ever, ever be able. To reach. She wanted to be a second grade teacher and a mom. That was all she wanted from this life, and she will never have those things. So rather than trying to shame myself for still feeling sad about this, I've accepted it and that gives me so much peace. I don't live with that heartache every minute of every day, but it is a part of me and it has caused me to really, really treasure life's moments. Little moments with friends, my adult children this time with you to really treasure it and be fully in it.

KARA: 22:30

Mm-hmm. I've talked a lot about grief in previous episodes, and we will put those in the show notes because I would love for everybody to reframe how they look at grief.'cause it's very much like you had described it. We're gonna fight it off, we're gonna be done with it. We are gonna wash that out of our system. We'll move on and live happily ever after. Versus what you described is like the heartache of the loss of the tragedy, both for Caroline and for you as her mother that's now here. It's a new world that you live in that has this level of pain, and you're now figuring out how to live in this world. so I, I, I want people to consider that grief is not something to accomplish and it's something to live and experience. One of the things that I wanted to talk to you about as well is that I think because the nature of the onset of. That there's a distinct before and after. I mean, she had a quote unquote normal life up until about 12, and so you had that as your. point of reference, yes. That that's the baseline. So she underwent all this medical intervention, you know, saved her life. And there was a lot of season of uncertainty, even actually I think even a season where you thought, wow, actually pretty much back to normal, a couple learning disabilities and, and we're good to go. and it eventually became clear that she was going to have. A lot more disabling condition through the damage from the continued seizures. And a lot of families that I meet their disabilities are genetic or they're acquired at birth, so they're starting from a much younger age. But I still think all of us start off with this point of reference, whether. Whether we're even adopting a child or we're becoming pregnant, that we think that this is what we're going for. This again, quote unquote normal. We have this point of reference for what we think we're gonna have. You're, again, it's so distinct because there was, you actually had the person that you knew and she went away. Yet your job as her mom was to help her. Heal. So how did you kind of stay in this place where you were helping her meet all of her needs and rehabilitate, but also how did you navigate the acceptance of who she was now?

Tara: 25:16

Well, it's really quite a unique story and I hope that the emotions around it will be helpful to your listeners. But she got encephalitis and she did heal from that. In about two to three months, she was almost back to herself. But now I. Ever since then, which was 20 years ago, it has been a very, very, very gradual decline. So I've never really accepted that because it's not finite. It's not like a brain injury, and then, okay, we can build from here to the best that we can. Her brain is still very, very slowly being damaged. So what I have come to accept is the journey of fighting against that. Mm-hmm. It just consume me. I was neglecting my other children, neglecting my marriage, not taking care of my health, and now I accept that looking for answers, leaving no stone unturned, trusting in the innovation and the research. I've accepted that journey.

KARA: 26:15

Tell me more about that. What does that look like on a day-to-day basis? How do you live in that acceptance?

Tara: 26:20

well, on the days where I'm doing it. Well, yes, I like that. All that to say good days, I'm some, I'm some queen that's got it all figured out. but, on days when I have things really where I want them, I will devote a particular part of my day to research for Caroline. I don't do that every day, but several times every month there's a part of my day where I'm just gonna dig in, make some phone calls, find some new research, see what's the latest out there about epilepsy, and then I have to get back to my life.

KARA: 26:52

Got it. Okay. I'm glad I asked that question, or I'm glad you answered it. In the way that you did.'cause I think it actually gives a picture of like how you live in the both and of like, this is Caroline's life now and this is how I spend my energy to see what I can do to provide support and to provide help. And I think where I would like to highlight. The acceptance is like the, that's the everyday living with who she is now, that you're not being consumed with having to fix or change her diagnosis and kind of accepted that this is what you have now. That's what it sounds like over here.

Tara: 27:32

Yes. And I, I think we might be dancing around something that I, I'm gonna have the courage to say, and it is through this journey, as my children were suffering, I thought, you know what? Of course I'm suffering. What kind of mother would I be if I weren't hurting for my children, particularly Caroline. And so I was able to accept that. But here's something else that we're grieving and I, I feel like we've gotta be honest with ourself. I'm also grieving the fact that I'll never be free like I imagined I might be. I will never cry for the empty nest. I will never have the freedom that I dreamed I might have at this stage in my life and beyond. And I'm working to give myself as much compassion as I give to my children. Meaning that, that's something to grieve to.

KARA: 28:23

Yeah. And I think that that comes in these little waves. That's my experience because, my son Levi's almost 16, so he's still very much, you know. All 16 year olds are typically home and so nothing new there. But actually yesterday, ironically enough, my 17-year-old. Had asked. He is like, Hey mom, like, what do you picture yourself doing in like 20 years or something? Like, I don't know. He was, he then made a joke about me watching his children. I thought that was cute. I was like, I like that you're planning ahead. also, I'm like, I don't know if I'm gonna sign up for that full-time job, although I wanna be a good grandma. I'm like, I don't know. This is a tricky question. But told him, Hey, I'm gonna still have Levi, like Levi is gonna still be with us and. I don't know that he'd ever kind of thought through that. And it's that anticipatory grief of like, yeah, I am. As you know, you said, I'm never gonna have that moment where it's like, oh my gosh, everyone's gone. We can go get a smaller house and there's just a, these little bits of waves of. Again, just the recognition that this is not what I would've chosen, this is not what I want, and yet it's what I have. So how to make the, what I have, work, you know, and acknowledging both that, that grief, the sorrow, and of course the joy, which is what you're all about.

Tara: 29:45

add one little thing to that because as, as I'm listening to you, I think that we, we all know not to compare ourselves like, poor me, you know, look at what my friends have and how their kids are, and the freedom they have. we don't want to do that and compare ourselves, but what we need to also remind ourselves not to do is the flip side of comparative suffering, which is, I think a Brene Brown term, meaning that. Don't shame ourselves. Don't shame yourself for feeling your feelings like, oh, it could be so much worse. Yes it could. And your heartache, your disappointment for your child and for what you dreamed for yourself. Those are real and those are feelings to be accepted. It's okay to partly be hurt, and from there we can find joy.

KARA: 30:38

Mm-hmm. Yeah, most definitely. Thank you for adding that. So I do wanna transition to talk a little bit more about the work that you're passionate about now. Really this conversation about joy shifting from chasing pleasure to experiencing joy, even as I talk about that concept. Would you just share a little bit about what that means to you about shifting from pleasure to really experiencing joy?

Tara: 31:06

Absolutely. it might be helpful to say how I see the difference in pleasure and joy. Pleasure is instant and it's usually things that can be addictive. So think about social media. It feels like a break, but it's not good for our brain. Netflix. Online shopping, even cardio, you know, anything that could become addictive are little hits of pleasure and they feel good. Whereas joy is something that's more of a peaceful energy and it's more sustainable. So taking a walk with a friend, having those authentic conversations, hugs, loving on your pet, hiking with your partner. Things that fill you up. work can even do that for us. if your work is something that you're quite passionate about, as long as we're careful that we're not getting those quick hits of pleasure, that become addictive. So for me, joy has to be intentional. Kara, it has to be. you know, I could go into the next meetings that I have later today and say, I'm gonna get through these meetings so I can get to dinner and maybe a glass of wine. Or I'm gonna put my whole heart into this moment, give all I have to give, listen, take care, try to bring value. And when I come away from that, it's really powerful, peaceful energy. So joy is at our fingertips every day, and it is how we show up fully present, and intentional about it. Does that help? Yeah. Well.

KARA: 32:36

Talk more about the intention of it. So how do you basically shift from that more hedonistic type pleasure that you're describing to really the intentionality of, of essentially creating joy?

Tara: 32:52

I think part of it is realizing that what we are fighting off is worry with hits of pleasure and worry is not a sign of love. I think that we oftentimes, particularly as mothers, we think, oh, I'm just worried to death because I love my children so much. It's a barrier to living. That's what worrying is. So rather than pretending to be happy, but deep down, all we're doing is worrying. We accept our heartache, we accept our concerns in life, and we do all we can to celebrate the gift of the moment. So a powerful example that I have is, I have a younger daughter, Holly, and when she was 16 years old, I took her on a trip to New York, just the two of us. And this was right in the thick of the heartache with her sister, and she was suffering too. I could have shown up to New York pretending to be happy, but really just. Fighting the heartache inside of me, but instead I accept that heartache. And I decided to be very much focused on the experience with Holly in New York, and let everything go. Just put that heartache on the shelf for a little while and celebrate the moments because we can't get them back.

KARA: 34:10

I wanna repeat that line that you said, I thought that was just so brilliant. Worry is not a sign of love. It's a barrier to living because I, do think you've hit on something that I think a lot of mothers feel like they're worry warriors, that they're going to worry their way into, Positive impact for their child. But what they experience is real lack of joy, connection, or really anything fruitful, because worry is typically not a very fruitful energy as you're pointing out here. So. I think that's a really great way of saying it. Thank you.

Tara: 34:43

Yes, worry drains us and causes a lot of anxiety and the way that I've learned to not be a warrior, partly it's just how I'm made. I'm more of a action person, but I have learned that when we make a decision and we take action, that helps with the worry. It just helps. Yeah. Once we decide what to do, but where worry is the worst is when we sit back and do nothing. We sort of victimize ourselves to the challenges in life that can drain us into terrible anxiety and even depression.

KARA: 35:16

Mm-hmm. So I'm listening to what you're saying and, you know, very aligned and, and yet I feel like if I rewind the tape and I look at my early, early self as I was. Ill equipped, I would say I was not equipped very much like you. I did not have the Not even just the understanding of how to process and be with emotions, but like I did not have the, the skill, I did not know how to do it. I, I, I couldn't be with a lot of it. Let's be honest, I can't be with a lot of it now and that's why I get a lot of support with therapy and coaching and all sorts of other things, right? So, as you've mentioned before, this is not like. We've mastered everything, but we have learned along the way. And, I'm thinking though about somebody who's listening to you, Tara, knowing that you've, you know, had years to, to work on this.

Tara: 36:06

Yes.

KARA: 36:08

But I'm thinking of the person that's like deep in it now and is like. Doing all the things for pleasure in a way that they even recognize, okay, this isn't really helping me. Like the scrolling on social media, maybe. Maybe the over consumption of food or alcohol. Who knows what else we do to bring ourselves comfort. What would you say is that first baby step mm-hmm. That they could take to step towards that intentionality of joy?

Tara: 36:36

I'm really glad you asked it that way because what I would encourage anyone who maybe can relate to this is don't ask yourself what you need to stop doing. Ask yourself what you can start doing. And I know the biggest, fastest pushback is time. And if you ask yourself what your priorities are. Your health and your sense of joy has to be at the core of that so that you can be better for all the people that you love. So it might be going for a walk with a friend and not just talking about, as we said, what's going on, but how it's affecting us. Or if you need a break from life, call a friend and say, I need to laugh. Can we go watch a comedian, go see a funny movie, take the time. Feel very, very confident in taking that time to make deep connections with a partner, with a friend, make a deep connection with somebody. The other piece for me is, and there is so much science to back this up, find time in nature. Mm-hmm. It truly is healing. Not while you're listening to a podcast though, like,

KARA: 37:51

oh no, you can do a podcast and nature at the same time. I walk almost every morning and I have these beautiful hills behind my house, and so whether it's a book or podcast or talking with a friend, it's pretty great. It's all of the things that we do. I love that too. I'm just

Tara: 38:07

playing with you, but yeah,

KARA: 38:08

I know. And I get to hang out with dog. It's great. So thank you for that. I don't know, like I feel like it's very simple and approachable that it's like, okay, we don't need to like pair all your, what I'm gonna say lovingly as tools for survival. We don't need to like ditch'em all right now. We don't have to cut cold Turkey. But you can integrate something small, into your life. And I wanna emphasize. This aspect. You know, you said deep connections and you had a TED Talk or a TEDx talk that you talked a little bit about this experience where you shifted from chasing pleasure to really the shift to. Joy and the key to that cultivation of joy for you was, was relationships. So if you would, as we start to close this out, talk a little bit about that connection of joy in relationships that you really focus on.

Tara: 39:09

I think one thing that I have not mentioned, which I hope folks will find encouraging is when we prioritize. Not just social connection, but authentic, robust relationships. It minimizes our need for scrolling through social media or online shopping, or sugar or alcohol or caffeine or whatever that is that we're using to distract ourselves. So rather than fighting off what could be bad habits. Shaming ourselves for it. Stop worrying about that. Make those deep connections, ask great questions with friends, make the connection. And I think over time you will see that it minimizes your need for what I call pleasure stacking. A super easy way to describe it is, Caroline, my daughter, she likes Diet Coke, and she also has a lot of OCD due to all her brain injuries, and she's. Worries about the amount of Diet Coke that she drinks. And I say this to her, stop worrying about the Diet Coke. Just drink more water. And when she drinks more water and she has to be very specific about it, it minimizes her need for that Diet Coke. So she doesn't have to worry about refraining from a Diet Coke, she's just focused on drinking more water. And that's how I equate focus on rich, deep relationships. It will minimize what you're doing to not give yourselves the best experience for this life.

KARA: 40:33

Yeah, I can picture this, this weaning off of all of the things that we might identify as not super great for us. So it's a great picture. Thank you for that. Okay. Well the last thing we're gonna talk about is the book that you wrote, and I was curious to hear who you wrote this book for. What inspired you to write this book?

Tara: 40:55

For years, people would say to me, you ought to write a book. Of the way that my life was rolling and riding like an A TV. Mm-hmm. and I, I never felt like the time was right because I didn't wanna just tell a story of trauma and tragedy. but as time has gone by, I've learned some things and I became inspired to want to share our story. For two reasons, because I truly, truly hope that someone will read it and they will cry and they will laugh and they will see themselves in it, and they will close the final page and they will have more energy to be free with their truth, to love and to be loved and feel more confident in who they are. So that's why I wrote the book, and there's a second reason, and this one's a lot closer to my heart, is I promised my children that their suffering would not be wasted. That I would make it matter. And so this book is me making good on that promise.

KARA: 41:52

Hmm. It's really moving. And what's the name of your book?

Tara: 41:55

The book is called Life Minutes, igniting Joy From The Fire of Heartache.

KARA: 42:01

Hmm. I love that tagline from the Fire of Heartache because ladies, I think it's all burning inside of us and the beauty is that we get to connect. I don't know if beauty is the right word, but you know what, we're gonna say it. The beauty is that we get to connect in that heartache and being with one another I think is the biggest gift that any of us can have. And so, Tara, thank you so much for being with me today and you know, being with all of our listeners and for your patience and all the technology. And, as we wrap up, is there any last thing that you would like to leave? Our listeners with,

Tara: 42:44

well, I focus so much right now on the term life minutes that I just wanna remind folks that every life minute is precious. And that does not mean that we show up pretending to be happy. That means that we're intentional about accepting our emotions. There will be an energy from that when we connect with other people to find joy in the simplest of moments, and that's what Life Minutes are all about.

KARA: 43:13

Hmm. Amazing. Well, thank you, Tara, and we'll see y'all on the next episode.