Fire Hazards & Other Summer Highlights

This one’s light, real, and a little bit ridiculous in the best way.

I showed up ready to share a few stories from the trenches—some funny, some a little gross (parenting, right?), and all with the hope that you’d feel just a little less alone in this wild life of ours.

We talked about:

• 🧯 Levi’s new hobby with matches (and yes, I’m taking suggestions).
• 🍋 My sad little lemon tree and how it became a metaphor for this burnt-out end-of-summer feeling.
• ⏰ The specialist appointment that didn’t happen—and the spectacular mental gymnastics I did to make sure it wasn’t “my fault.”
• 💆‍♀️ Why I’m fantasizing about massages, cafes, and beach days (and putting out a casual call for local beach buddies).
• 🌀 The importance of marking transitions with a little intention, especially when we’re crawling out of survival mode.

Whether you're closing out summer, still deep in the marathon, or somewhere in between—I hope you leave this one with a little more curiosity and compassion for yourself.

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Connect with Kara, host of The Special Needs Mom Podcast:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespecialneedsmompodcast/
Website: https://www.kararyska.com/

Transcript

Kara: 0:05

Hi, I am Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. Fast forward, past many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created the Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flare of possibility in your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome.

1:13

Hello and welcome to the Special Needs Mom podcast. Here I am coming to you late afternoon. Funny story is that early morning I also was here with you recording a podcast that somehow I, I messed up so darn it. Here we are again. Well, maybe I'll be even better the second time around. Let's hope. cause I was kind of. Cool and content with the first time I recorded this, but here we go again. This episode already was kind of set up for really a lighthearted, fun connection. Basically a little entertainment by way of a few stories that I've compiled for you. And I think the thing that I want you to leave this episode with is feeling like, you know what? You're not the only one. And maybe a little, little chuckle, a little. Hmm. Yeah, I see you over there. And that is what I hope, along with, to leave you oriented towards a little bit more compassion and curiosity for yourself, maybe your family members. But let's just focus on you for right now. All right. Here is our first story. It has to do with matches. Yes. My son, my darling son, who I love so much has discovered matches and. Actually, I think what we should do is take a step back because some of you are new here and have no idea who I am and how my home is, and who I parent, and all those things. So I have four children. I almost said eight children. I don't have eight children. I have four children. Sometimes it feels like eight children. They're aged. 18. My baby just turned 18. 18 down to 16. Three boys and a little girl. And my 16-year-old, my second born is a multiple brain tumor survivor, so that means he survives with a cornucopia of disabilities. And one of the trickiest, gosh dang it, one of the trickiest is the combination of his intellectual ability paired with his impaired judgment. Hence the match issue. So, oftentimes, multiple times a day you can find me or my husband or whoever is at home supervising Levi. Checking in on him during his episodes in the bathroom. A lot of times he needs to spend a lot of time in there, you know, for very typical biological reasons. And other times he is using the bathroom as a nice private space to do whatever it is he wants to do, that he knows he's not allowed to do. I quite clever, knowing that, probably not gonna get away with playing with matches out in the common areas, but in the bathroom behind that closed door, he is safe from all critique control. So I had some suspicions this afternoon. I had some suspicions that. He was not doing the biological things in the bathroom. And so I kind of kept checking in on him, but I didn't have like, necessarily, I didn't for some reason, actually ask him to open the door or just open the door. And, you know, his ability to get rid of all evidence is not that great. Like most boys. I mean, let's be honest so yes, there was evidence that he was playing the bathroom with matches, and that is a bummer, because even with all the vigilance that we have, it's hard to, there's so much that still gets through the cracks. when your son's clever enough to figure out how to get the things and play with the things, but not so clever to recognize that he can burn the house down, it's, it's a little tricky. So actually, one of the reasons I wanted to bring this story up is'cause it's a little funny, kind of, I don't know, I find it a little humorous. but also I was like, let's crowdsource, let's crowdsource some help. This is, me saying, do you have any brilliant ideas? Because the first idea that I came. Two is not a good one. And it's like, well, I guess you have to go with the door open, which is just, I mean, that doesn't sound pleasant for anybody in the family. So second idea was a Levi generated idea. And his idea was to, get a camera, get a camera for the bathroom, which at first I thought, well, that's a brilliant idea. And then I realized. Except for if there's anyone else in the bathroom, like a guest. I can just picture, oh, don't mind the camera in there. It's, it's for Levi. I'm, I assure you it's off. So, but then he actually said, mom, some of the cameras are removable. So that is currently our best idea when we'll get around to installing a camera in the bathroom. I do not know, so probably we'll go with the frequent checks and pocket checks and. I don't know. Maybe I just need to take everything outta there and make it look like a jail bathroom. I don't know. But that's where I'm like, you know what? Maybe some of you're also in the same boat, and maybe some of you have cleverly figured out how to balance, the needs of privacy with also safety. So, text me. There's a cool function the podcast has, to be able to text the show. So text me your club ideas, email, Instagram. I don't care. I just love your ideas. So that brings us to our second story of the day and the story. This chapter of of summer story time is called the Lemon Tree. So this was over the weekend I was cleaning off the back patio, mostly due to the impacts of a behavioral issue from my darling that had manifested earlier that morning. I won't share the details to honor his story just a little bit, but I will share that it was gross. I was not finding it pleasant and I was not thrilled to be doing it, although I do actually love spraying off the patio. So there was some like, what do we call those? Silver linings inside of this job in the process of cleaning off the back patio, I was. Sadly surprised by finding my little potted lemon tree in the corner. She was not looking good. She was dry, you know what? Here's the thing about it. She was just recovering from a previous hard season, and she had put out those pretty new leaves and she was making a comeback, and now she's finding herself dry and shriveled once again. And the fruit, like the one lemon and then then the, like the littler lemon that she did bear that was now looking pretty dull and dried out. And it occurred to me as I took inventory of my little potted lemon tree, that that was a little bit about how I felt. I felt like, and actually I did take a picture of my little potted lemon tree.'cause I was like, you know what, there's a story here. And it was about how we're feeling at the end of summer. A little bit fried. And I think particularly the part where it's like we, we were just coming back from another, the previous hard season or hard episode or whatever the thing was, like we were just coming back and we got hit again. Such as the nature of our lives as special needs moms. And so I just took a moment to kind of acknowledge how I'm feeling as I was nursing my little potted lemon tree back to health, and I made a commitment to check on her more often and to do what I can to help her put out even more leaves and make me some lemons. But, yeah, I don't know. It was just such a picture of the end of summer and this particular, like, even just the moment I was finding myself in the weekend and more on that in the last part of the episode as we'll talk about kind of closing out the chapter, that we call summer. So moving on to the third and possibly the most entertaining story. I mean, I don't know. It's entertaining to me May, maybe I'm at this point just getting really desperate, but picture this last week we had a specialist appointment. You know how these ones go. It's like we had waited, I don't know, I didn't keep track. It was two or three or four months, you know, to get to this day. The day of the appointment that has been long awaited for, and I, you know, I had arrived with plenty of time to spare in spite of the hospital construction that's going on that's making accessibility a little more tricky. And I was in a good mood. I was ready to go. We were gonna get the things done and the nurse was checking us in and doing all the typical things, and we were walking over to do blood pressure and waiting all the goodies. And she said, oh, and she asked if we had done a particular thing to prepare for the appointment. And I looked at her and I just said very clearly, I said, we have not knowing that this was gonna be a big problem. And she was quite nice about it. And I think she was as surprised as I was because when she had asked the question, it was just like. I knew instantly that this was gonna be pro big problem. So in, in answering, I knew, I knew where we were headed and she was kind, she was like, let me check and see if we can still, you know, keep the appointment and do the things. And so I appreciated that. Like, throwing me a bone, throwing us a bone, which, you know, I think we both knew the time was not gonna work, but I did appreciate her, her helpful spirit and. So I was so frustrated. I was so bummed, and this is the part of the story that I find entertaining, or, I mean, at first I thought it was interesting. I don't know, I just, I do find it really amusing. I don't know why, maybe'cause I was watching myself do this thing and it was so comical. It was so like, okay, here's what I was doing. Almost immediately when I was confronted with this issue that I had screwed up on. I, in my mind was finding all the ways why this wasn't my fault. And I went to all the different places. I had a lot of reasons. I'm quite creative when it comes to, not taking ownership apparently. First one was like, okay, well, like you guys sent me the directions like two to three months ago, and I read them, how am I supposed to remember it for that long? Like there was something about like. You know how long we'd been waiting. There was like a reason to forget this, and then, you know, yes, they had sent me multiple reminders about these important details to prepare, but here's my excuse for that, but it's like, do you know how many of these email reminders I get from MyChart every week? I mean, it was just too much to read. And so I'm watching myself. Do all this and like I, I went into overdrive because while we were gonna be complaining about that and why it wasn't my fault. There was another pre-appointment task that they had given me that had given, like, they had gotten given one set of instructions and then another, another set. They were like a little bit different, and so I thought it was important to like pick apart and recognize that they were inconsistent and not clear. Do you see this blame energy of like, finding all the reasons why it definitely wasn't my fault that I made this mistake. Well, I was watching myself in the moment as I was generating the thoughts. I knew exactly what I was doing, but I didn't stop. I didn't stop. It turns out I'm very human too, and I think the only difference potentially is that. Because I've practiced being able to, kind of watch my own thoughts for a little while. I might be better at catching them earlier, as in right when I'm doing them. It doesn't mean I'm perfect in all the things. I think everyone knows that. And, so this wasn't my best moment. And as I'm telling you, I'm like, oh gosh, what are you guys gonna think of me now? But, I think you'll think I'm human and. So I wanted to tell the story because it's sometimes so hard to be with hard feelings, and blame is a place we can go where we don't have to be with feelings. It's so much easier and more comfortable to be the victim. In other words, to blame others, to not be at fault for something, to not accept full responsibility. one way of saying it is a safe place because when it's everybody else's fault, then who's fault is it not yours? So you don't have to be, I didn't have to be with a part of me that is my humanity that made a mistake. That like was moving too fast and couldn't be bothered to read the emails or maybe even the part of me that sometimes just misses details. I've joked with people, I was like, spelling errors and typos are part of my brand. It happened again last week. I was like, gosh dang it. It's part of my brand guys imperfection and. Okay. But I, I really wanna like emphasize that while it's humorous that I went to this blame place, this victim place in the moment, the real work for me that day was to process the feelings of disappointment, frustration, regret. I was gonna say embarrassment. I don't think embarrassment, but I'd, I'd have to check in on that. And it took me, it took me a while. It took me a bit to get there. I was just quite mad for a long time and just still kind of in that I don't, I don't know that I kept like generating thoughts of blame, but I definitely was in the energy of, I just wasn't ready to be with a lot of the feelings for a little while. Then it's quite easy for me to shift to a place of, like maybe a little bit of harshness or like, I guess it would be shame or just like, you know, anytime you mess up anytime you miss the mark of perfection, it's just unacceptable. So I had to do some real intentional work around forgiving myself around acknowledging how much I don't like when I make mistakes and all that came with that, that part of the story, shifting from that blame or from that victim state to really taking responsibility in a way that. You know, didn't blame myself, right? But it had me recognize that yes, I was the one that had missed all of the information or forgotten it, and then the impact was X, Y, Z. So that is a story that I'm guessing, you know what, you probably have a, a similar story of when you messed up on something and you maybe can laugh at how you responded. because you can look back now and be like, my brain just went wild. And so that is the story about that. Let's see. Looking at my notes. Did I forget any aspects of that story? I don't think so, but the positive side was I did get to bring my daughter to some activity that she wanted to go to, and my husband didn't have to miss work. So, kind of an upside. I still would've definitely taken the appointment working out, but don't you worry, as you know, I get to try it again in a month. All right, last section. And I referred to it a little bit and it has to do with marking the end or kind of making a distinction, an end of the summer season. And I find myself in the very end of our summer as in, not like, you know, the calendar of summer, but right before school starts. We start a week from tomorrow, and I'm currently anticipating how I'll spend the first day of school where all of my children are safely tucked away being cared for and educated by somebody else. That is not me, and I don't have it totally planned out, but I am thinking about, I've been, here's the things I've been kind of fantasizing about, massage. And then I was thinking, oh, I should go play at the beach. But then I was like, I wanna get, I would wanna get a beach buddy. So who can I either get to play hooky from work or maybe doesn't have a traditional job to come hang out at the beach with me? It's hard to find. Here's what's kind of funny. It's hard to find friends that like to go in the water. A lot of people when they go to the beach, they like to go to the beach. I like to go into the water unless it's really cold, in which case looking sounds great. Okay. But okay, so if you're, if you're local listening to this, let me know if you wanna go hang out on the beach on Tuesday the 19th. okay. So those are kind of my ideas. I also am kinda like, ooh, I feel like going to a cafe feels like it would be like very luxurious and something I certainly cannot do while all of my children are at home. But the whole point of this story of my brainstorm idea is really giving yourself a chance to shift gears, acknowledging that you just finished, I am gonna say a little bit of a marathon for some of you. Maybe not a all of you.'cause a lot of you're like, Kara, my marathon, still going. Like, I don't have a school to send my child back to. We're actually in a new chapter. We don't have school, so don't worry. I. See you too. And we are very much anticipating those days. We're barreling toward them. so the point is though, is marking, a chapter and saying, okay, how do I close that season as in kind of restore what I had to put out in terms of energy? Maybe even money and to move on to the next season. The idea here is we don't wanna just roll into the next season depleted and empty and maybe even resentful, and then start to do the next hard from that state with a little bit of intention. I think it can be really impactful. It could be very impactful to intentionally feel those cups back up again, and it's gonna look a lot of different ways and different for every single one of you. Something also I am looking forward to in this next season is I got a hot string of retreats coming. Not really. I guess I just have two. In September, I will be, actually being the speaker at a We Are Brave Together retreat up in Tahoe. So if you want to come meet me up there, that would be super fun. And then just about a month later, I'm gonna be going to Texas for a labeled in Love retreat. Now, if you haven't heard of this. That means you didn't listen two weeks ago. No. totally kidding. Two weeks ago I had, two of the founders of labeled and loved on, I absolutely instantly adored them, and so much so that I was like, I'm going, I'm going to the retreat. So whether you wanted to be or not, I am coming. They're amazing. And so they actually also shared a promotional code, for our listeners. So if you're interested, Reach out, I can make sure you get the promo code or, go back two episodes. It should be in the show notes of that episode And with that, we'll see you on the next episode.