Extreme Mothering

I didn’t plan to end up emotionally fried by the end of summer... but there I was. I hit my limit. So, I did something radical (for a special needs mom, at least): I took myself to the beach. Alone. No kids. No caregiving. Just me, the ocean, and a much-needed van therapy session overlooking the waves.

And wouldn’t you know it—while body surfing, I ran into a fellow special needs mom friend, totally by surprise. The odds were wild. We both chose the same beach, at the same time, from different corners of San Diego. It felt divinely orchestrated.

This experience reminded me just how extreme the job of a special needs mom really is. Like, Olympic-level extreme. So what if we treated ourselves accordingly? What if we supported ourselves like Serena Williams supports her game—with specialists, intentional recovery, and next-level planning?

In this episode, I talk about what it means to be an “extreme mom,” why our current support systems aren’t cutting it, and what baby steps you can take to start acknowledging and supporting yourself like the elite performer you are.

If nothing else, I double dog dare you to use the text link at the top of the show notes to say it with me: “I am an extreme mom.” Or just say hi—I'll never know it's you, but it makes my day when I get those messages.

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Connect with Kara, host of The Special Needs Mom Podcast:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespecialneedsmompodcast/
Website: https://www.kararyska.com/

Transcript

Kara: 0:05

Hi, I am Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. Fast forward, past many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created the Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flare of possibility in your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome. Hello and welcome to the Special Needs Mom podcast story time again. And honestly, I just can't get over this story. A few weeks ago I had shared some summer stories on the summer stories episode, and one of the stories, or I think I mentioned that I was planning to give myself a full day of recovery as soon as my kids got back to school. And you know, I had been fantasizing about that. And one of the things I wanted to do was to take myself to the beach all by myself. No kids, no Levi, no caregiving, just me in the ocean doing what I wanted. And it was the day before school was back in session. And I was in a mood. As I said to some people, I was in a bad way. I hit my limit. I was not feeling like I had what I needed. Did I intend to get to that point? I did not. I really thought I had sufficiently planned not to get to that point, not to get past the point in which I had what I needed, what I, you know, to be able to recover and do all the things. But yet there I found myself and I was like counting down the moments. Until the next day, until I could get to a place where I was not with my kids, was, was not giving, was not caregiving, and I could finally kind of get myself right. One of the things I did was sent my, therapist a mayday text. I mean, just really asking for a session in the morning, and thankfully she gave me some options. And so I went to bed that night with a plan ish, so Monday night. You know, next day Tuesday I'm gonna get up, get all the kids off to school. It's game time. and so I went to bed with a plan ish. Like I was having a hard time making decisions at that point, so I kind of knew what I was gonna do, but I also kind of was, again, having a hard time making decisions. So I did know that I was gonna go to therapy and I thought I was gonna go to the beach. And yeah, again, having a hard time like making decisions the thought occurred to me to try to like see other people or to invite other people into my grand master plan, but it just felt too complicated. So I was like, okay, well I'll go to a beach with lifeguards. And for those of you locals, it went to Moonlight Beach. In Encinitas and I have a buddy policy in ocean swimming. So I was like, okay, well since I don't have a buddy, I will go where there's definitely lifeguards on duty to make sure, you know, I come back in all one piece. That's what I love and hate about the ocean, is that it's so amazing and restorative and healing and also you could die. I mean the chances are quite small, but, you know, that's one of the things, it's like a love and hate snow burning.'cause I'm like, I'm terrified when I'm on that lift. But it's also really fun. Okay, back to our story. Tuesday morning, we made it all went well with school send offs. I was like, okay, I have arrived. So I did my therapy session in my van. Looking out over the ocean and it was exactly what I needed. It was just like the perfect weather and I made my way down to the ocean like, or to like the, you know, from the parking lot to the ocean changed into my suit to, you know, try to figure out how to apply sunscreen to all the different parts of my body that normally I have somebody else help with. And I mean, I really can't recall. The last time I went to the beach all on my own. I mean, maybe never, but also maybe like 20 years. So I sat on the shore for a while. As I continued to kind of emotionally process all that, I had just kind of opened up with my therapist and really kind of recognizing all that I had been holding most of summer, and eventually I made my way out into the water. And I love to see, there was like a handful of older folks boogie boarding and just smiling and that just made me happy. And then I looked around, there was like a couple other solo ladies and I was like, all right, I guess we're doing this. I guess this is a thing we like just come to the ocean as ladies. And so I was living my best life body surfing and. I noticed this other woman, I thought to myself, wow, like she kind of looks like this mom I met a few months ago at a special needs mom retreat, but like, it was hard to tell, like her hair was wet. She was on a buggy board. And also like I think when you don't expect to see someone somewhere. If it was at the hospital, I might have been like, oh, there's my friend Jerry. But since it was in the water in the ocean and she was on a buggy board, it just did not register. But after a few more glances, she made like a comment to me.'cause I think she was picking up the same vibes. And then I just blurted out, are you special in these moms? Like, I don't know. How else do I say? Because I couldn't recall her name at the time. boom, we're like, oh my gosh, you are who I think you are.'cause we both were thinking the same thing. And then that ignited a robust conversation about our lives and getting to know each other better. And there we were. Two moms recovering from the daily demand, of caregiving. Playing in the ocean now as a pear and not alone. How incredible is that? So we proceeded to play together and catch some waves and float and I don't know how, I didn't get more sunburned to be quite honestly.'cause we continued to chat on the shore and it was getting toasty and eventually we wrapped up and kind of went on our ways. But what are the chances? You're probably like, I don't know, but they're not good because I live about 30 minutes northeast from that specific beach and she lives about 30 minutes southeast. So like we both kind of chose that particular beach at the particular time out of all the beaches we could have gone to in San Diego. And I think God knew I needed a buddy and so he brought her to me. And he brought me to her. So there you have it. I do believe this was a gift from God and I love that it's so hard to believe like so extreme. And that brings me to the topic that I have conjured up for you today, and it's one of the things that my beach buddy Jerry and I talked about we kind of reflect of, wow, like we both did it. Like we both brought ourselves to the beach. Good for us. Like we were definitely proud of ourselves for being in pursuit of taking care of ourselves in the ways that we wanted and needed. So one of the conversation Jerry and I had was about like what we need to do to perform at the level that we do as caregiving moms. And I'm not saying that like we ourselves are extraordinary'cause we are just that. Great. What I'm saying is that. What I am doing is needed for my son, and it just happens to be extreme and as a very small distinction, maybe even indistinguishable. But I guess what I'm pointing out here is it's not that we IU sought out to be the Olympic level parent, that we thought, wow, we're gonna be really good at this and we're gonna just do it really well. No. It's the opposite. It's that the job we got hired for happens to be extreme. And so let's back up just a little bit because if you are not new around here, you know one of the things I'm pretty much always talking about and Kind of a champion for is taking care of oneself, of myself, of yourself, of each other. And so why did I get to the place I got to? Why did I get so, in a bad way? You know, the, words I would say is, was me surviving and not at all thriving, which is the exact opposite of my intention. And one of the things that helped me was on Tuesday as I was licking my wounds, I was listening to a vox from a dear friend, and she's not a special needs mom, and she was acknowledging me for all that I held as a mom and as I heard her words and I really like let them in, I was able to recognize Wow. And really acknowledge, wow, that is so extreme. The thing that I just did is so out there. It takes so much the level of vigilance it takes to parent my son, the amounts of times that I have to take a deep breath and to not respond with a big explosion and to yet absorb the impact of his behavior and needs to protect and honor my other children. The medical conditions, the mobility issues, like the amount of forethought and planning it takes. Extreme, high achieving, elite, ultra. All of these words fit, and I wanna use these words specifically because I think it helps put us in a category that will guide us in a way that's very helpful. And use the picture of someone who has achieved greatness in their chosen field. Because the level at which we have to perform is extreme, elite, great unquestionable excellence. If you look at the way that we have to show up, that is what it demands of us now because we show up perfectly and do the things perfectly. That's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying the level is excellence because it is perfect. I am saying because it is well practiced, it is consistent, it's committed, and it is big. And so what does it take to do that? It's again, where I think it's so helpful to look at it through the lens of it like an extreme sport. When you are an elite athlete and playing an extreme sport, the level at which you have people caring for you is to the same magnitude, maybe not the same, right? I don't know if it's like equal. We can't like measure it necessarily, but it's also extreme. That's a better way of saying it. And actually one of my coaching partners, Mary, who I work with often as we support business clients, professional setting clients, she's an actual Olympian. How cool is that? And I want you to consider that. We as special needs moms are like a group of extreme athletes and just like Olympians, they forever revere what it took. For them to compete and perform at the highest level. And it's the same for us. So I want you to consider that we are performing at the highest level by default as special needs moms. And so let's look actually at a particular athlete just to further illustrate the concept. Serena Williams Tennis Extreme performer, like I don't have the stats, but holy cow, this girl can. Win and perform and show up. So her team, what does it include? Head coach, hitting partner, physiotherapist, nutritionist, psychologist, and even a sleep specialist. I'm sure it goes on. Every detail of her life is managed so that she can perform at her peak. So back to the question that I presented earlier, why did I end up in this place where I was surviving and not at all thriving, even after I intended not to? Perhaps it was a math error. The level at which I gave served, supported. Exceeded the level at which I had supported myself. That's what I mean by math, right? So if we look at this equation with surviving as the ultimate goal or result or the equals, then the math did not math, death, and my assertion is that you are an extreme mother, yet you're likely expecting yourself. To perform without extreme support. Yes. Do you think, and I'm willing to bet that the answer is yet because it's counterculture to do it any other way. This is a special needs mom thing or not. This is just the culture of how moms have continued to add more and more to their plate and less and less is it expected to be. Luxuriously supported. And one of the reasons I feel like I know that this is not yet culturally acceptable and even celebrated is'cause the beach was not filled with moms like me and Jerry. We kinda laughed like, how many other moms do you think are out here like this? And I kind of blurted out like, none. Moms don't do this. And I know that's not exactly evidence, but I just know that most moms don't. They don't. They stop short when given the opportunity to take care of themselves because for a lot of reasons it feels wrong. It feels selfish, it feels like too much. They feel like they don't deserve it'cause they're not perfect. All the things, they minimize what they do. Or they feel like they have to justify. There's a lot of reasons. We're not gonna go into all those today, but I wanna talk about if you're like, okay, care, I see what you're saying. I see it. I'm like, okay, I'm willing to entertain this idea that maybe I need a little bit more support than I already have. Or if I don't have any, then maybe I need some. So let's start by starting where you are. So I really wanna emphasize that baby steps are the most beautiful steps. And as I was thinking about this, I was like, yeah, they are like little baby steps. Even if you don't have a walking child. Baby steps are just something to celebrate no matter how big or small. So starting where you are, and likely that will be s. By acknowledging yourself and what do I mean by that? Owning that you are an extreme parent. In fact, I have a little dare for you. You know what, let's up Danny, it's a double dare. I double dare you to use the text feature of this podcast. So wherever you go to play, said podcast, you can look on the show notes and right there it'll say Text me. It might not say, I dare you, but that's what I'm saying right now, and the invitation is for you to text your acknowledgement of yourself and to own that you are an extreme mom, so you might just say, I am an extreme mom, period, and it'll be just between you and me that you're taking a baby step to own this aspect of your identity. You can go on if you want. You're not limited to those few words, but allow it to sink in and to become part of your identity. And I love the identity of a special needs mom. I think it's valuable for me to, to really own who I am as a mom and distinctly as a special needs mom. But maybe I'll start to introduce myself as, hi, I am Cara and I am an ultra mom. Or, hi, I'm Kara, and I'm an elite performing mom. I mean, I know I'm being silly. I won't probably ever do that, but how interesting would it be if we really stepped into the identity of what it takes to perform and to show up the way that we do? Next step to answering the question, where do we start? We'll start where you are. And then step two, acknowledge yourself. And then the final step that I would invite you to is to start to wonder, we're not taking any huge steps here. We're just starting to wonder what would it look like if I explore the opportunity to support myself as an extreme mom? So this is just a contemplation. This is like you're putting on the glasses. At which you're going to look through everything through this lens of what does it look like if I support myself as an extreme mom, and maybe it's not a nutritionist like Serena has, but maybe you sign up for a meal delivery service. Maybe you hire your friend to come help you meal prep a couple times a month or maybe, and basically just keep brainstorming. Okay. And some of your ideals will be financially and feasible, and some will be logistically impossible. But some will work, some will help and some will support you at the level at which you deserve as an extreme mom. And that is what we're playing for. Just in case I haven't made it abundantly clear here at the Special Needs Mom podcast, we are playing to thrive, not to just survive. I mean, surviving is good. We want that too, but we are orienting our vision towards the possibility of thriving in our lives. that's where we're going. That's what we're headed for. That's what we are creating intentionally, not it all perfectly. We're gonna land there. So it's three steps. Start where you are, acknowledge yourself, start to wonder, start to look and wonder. And lastly, don't forget to use that text feature. This is my little nice reminder. I double dared you You know, don't make me make it a double dog dare. That would be. You know what? I'm gonna do it. That's gonna be the extreme level at which you're playing. I'm double dog daring you to text and to own it. And if you don't wanna own it yet, say I'm working on it. I just wanna say hi. And remember, it's anonymous. It's between you and me, and I don't know who you are. It does not tell me and I cannot respond. So make a mental note that if you do want a response, you'll have to contact me a different way. But it's so fun to hear from you. And basically makes my day end sometimes weak. So I do hope you'll give it a try. And with that, we'll see you on the next episode.