The Special Needs Mom Podcast

From Luxury Estates to Special Needs Homes with Kelly Dixon

• Kara Ryska • Episode 266

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This episode was such a treat. I got to catch up with my longtime friend Kelly Dixon—someone who knew me way back in my landscaping days (pre-leadership Kara 😅). Kelly has a fascinating background managing ultra-wealthy households, and while she’s not a special needs mom—or a mom at all—her systems-thinking brain totally applies to ourworld.

We talked about what it looks like to run your home like a well-functioning operation: from checklists to communication, boundaries to burnout. Kelly shared how to start small—think cleaning caddies and grocery lists—and how simple systems can free up your brain and actually give you back some peace.

I walked away feeling like, “Okay, I’m not that far from this.” And maybe, just maybe, I don’t need to reinvent my whole life to feel more supported. It starts with believing that it can be different—and then taking one step at a time.

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Kara:

Hi, I am Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. Fast forward, past many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created the Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flare of possibility in your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome. Hello and welcome to the Special Needs Mom podcast. I am feeling alive here, people. I'm still basking in the awesomeness of having all of my darlings back at school full time, and I feel like we're actually, gosh, it's only the second week. Is that true? Wow. It's only the second week. It feels like I have. I don't even know. It feels like I've been enjoying this now for quite a long time, but I have not, I'm still very much in the recovery stage and like I said, enjoying it immensely. One of the things I've been enjoying is getting back on the podcast recording settle, if you will, and in this particular episode, I caught up with my longtime friend and colleague who I worked with way before I even knew what life coaching was. Let me give you a formal introduction of who she is, and then I'll tell you a little bit more about our conversation. So Kelly, Kelly Dixon began her career as a successful landscape designer and general contractor. And boy, let me tell you, she is amazing overseeing million dollar renovations and managing high-end estate management accounts. Her client roster included some of the world's most discerning homeowners translation that is for. Managing homes of names and people that you would know. That experience led her to estate management where she ran operations for luxury properties and a regenerative ranch spanning Los Angeles to London. Kelly managed teams of two 14 full-time staff and coordinated over 80 subcontractors. Now if you're thinking, what does the state management have to do with me, let me tell you a little bit more. So I walked away from this episode feeling very inspired. I felt like I could easily see opportunities to quickly and easily implement systems and strategies and decisions that would just make a noticeable difference for me. To kind of restore some of that energy and let go of all that we're holding onto or managing as special needs moms. And the reason I wanted Kelly to join me in this episode is precisely because she's coming from such a different perspective. She's not a special needs mom. In fact, she's not even a mother. And for that fact, I think that is why. Her perspective is so helpful to listen to because we are in our own bubbles, believe it or not, as moms, most of the people we associate with are also moms, so they're very likely doing things very similar. To how we are doing things, to how our mothers did things. And so we kind of get in our own bubbles and our little microcosms and we look around and we see everybody else doing it the same. So we think, okay, we're doing this right. You know, everyone else is stressed out too. We're doing it well. And so I think stepping outside intentionally to consider us as the managers of our homes, the leaders in our spaces. I feel like using Kelly's experience managing these homes, but at a very different level is, it was just fun, quite honestly. It was fun. I was hoping to drag out a little bit more gossip from her, but she's a professional and so she did not take my bait at all, but she does deliver a lot of really. Helpful, thought provoking content with grace and compassion, and has a clear understanding that what we're doing as special needs moms is in fact very different because the things that we're managing are often life critical. So with that, let me welcome my friend kelly Dixon, I'm so happy to have you on the Special Needs Mom podcast. Thank you so much for being here.

Kelly:

Thank you for asking me.

Kara:

All right. I have these conversations in my head and I'm like, you know, give me enough time and I'll figure out how to have everybody I love and respect on my show in a, way that actually serves my community. And this is one of those, because you. Or one of the more unique guests because most people I have on the show have some context of parenting and or special needs world. And you have neither. And yet I think the, the conversation we're gonna have is be gonna be so valuable and let's kind of build up a little bit. Well, and let's do a little blast from the past before we get into that.'cause I just think it'll be fun.

Kelly:

like we need to be at Starbucks, by the way.

Kara:

Essentially consider that this is like a star, the Starbucks conversation. Okay. So for the listeners, I'm gonna, we're gonna give some more personal history and as I prepared for this conversation with Kelly, I just kept literally almost laughing out loud because I was like, Kelly got to see me. Before I did any personal development or leadership work, and I think we also both share this tenacity and a little bit like tell us that we can't and we'll show you how. Which got us into a lot of trouble when we worked together back in the landscape days.

Kelly:

I think, on my part.

Kara:

There's a lot of tears. I cussed a lot more back then also. But

Kelly:

For sure.

Kara:

I mean, I guess it was construction. So, but I think back to my landscape dates and I, I wanna know if it's the same for you, but I mean, the part that I loved most was coming up with this dream, this idea, this like literal little like thought in your mind and sometimes a picture that in your case you'd be drawing. She's a very gifted designer and art and, Very gifted designer and, visionary

Kelly:

Thank you.

Kara:

you know, we got to bring something from concept to completion and that was fun. Especially when our clients had a lot of money and Right. Like, it's just a fun, fun thing.

Kelly:

yep. Fewer boundaries. Fewer barriers.

Kara:

Yes. And we do well with no barriers and boundaries.

Kelly:

Yep.

Kara:

But you know, we both have moved away from our days in the landscape and, you know, have brought, you know, you have your own now, creation, your business, and have brought that into reality and I have mine. And how cool is that, that we're like doing the same thing over and over again, but with areas that we have found other passion in. So I think that's pretty cool. When you think back to our days in landscape. What stands out to you as we got to work together and navigate that particular industry together?

Kelly:

Well, first of all, or the two of us should have been running that company.

Kara:

A hundred percent. I.

Kelly:

I know there was something, that we were always trying to do a workaround on that they didn't. Not that they didn't get us, but that end all carrot of the company didn't create a path for everyone to kind of just jump on board and move forward and follow along. So you more than me, but. or the two of us should have been creating that vision, setting up the organization, creating a path so that every single person in that company could jump on board with this train and move forward. And we were all. You know, cats trying to get our kittens in the basket kind of thing. So we spent a lot of time working in what I would call, kindly a dysfunctional or a, a

Kara:

Hmm.

Kelly:

that wasn't set up to incentivize us financially, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. And so you and I spent a lot of time. Trying to figure that out and not always being given the tools to fix what needed to be fixed.

Kara:

And like, yeah, I agree. And I think that's actually, now that you even say that, I was like, I think it's where I. I think I started to get interested in the concept of leadership. What a good leader is, what difference a good leader can make, how leadership looks in different areas and'cause I think there's a certain heartbreak actually where there was so much good and so much potential and just never came to fruition because of all the things you just mentioned. And, I think it was like, because, And I think you and I have a similar, I think, way of being, as I mentioned earlier, where it's like we look at a, you know, someone gives us a blockade or a barrier, and our natural inclination is to figure out the way around it. And what I, came across, over and over again is conflict with people who did not operate the same.

Kelly:

Mm-hmm.

Kara:

And if you get in the way. Of what I need for my family or what my child needs, you will get a version of Kira that is much less pleasant. I will say that, and I think of the people, I won't name names, but there was a per person who was our estimator at the time.

Kelly:

Mm-hmm.

Kara:

Who literally told me I was giving him nightmares. I was like,

Kelly:

Yeah.

Kara:

maybe that has more to do about you than me. But, I think it's, it's both funny. And yet I also can look at how I showed up that I was like, Ooh, again, that was me.

Kelly:

a little rough.

Kara:

Unregulated. Yeah, it was, it was really rough. It was really rough and it was, I guess I use this word immature, in a way of just reflection, like, oh yeah, I was quite, literally pretty young and also hadn't developed some of the skills I have now, so I'm glad I have some of.

Kelly:

the young part. I, I would just say the principles weren't in alignment. and, and this happens to every single, not every single company that I work for, but. And you can feel it. You might not know what it is, but when you put profit above people or product or you know, service, it, I'm always gonna be off center.

Kara:

Yeah, totally right. yeah, definitely. Well, vision I had for bringing you on this podcast is because I think you are a brilliant thinker. I think you're a big thinker. I mentioned earlier you are a visionary and so what you're doing in your industry. I was like, I think it'd be really cool to bring that insight Into ours. And before we go there, I think, you know, let's do a little, like, basically this is like a, the reality show vibes of like, let's just get some fun stories about the world in which you swim. Because Kelly works with not just. Wealthy, but I think we call them ultra wealthy, families and households. And so are there any stories you have that come to mind about kind of what's going on behind the scenes and what are you experiencing or what do you find yourself still being like, wow, that is just incredible. Does anything come to mind?

Kelly:

And not break my non-disclosure growth.

Kara:

I was gonna say, I know. I was like, I can't ask who, I won't ask who, I won't put you in that situation, but.

Kelly:

You know, e every day and, and I'm a consultant now, so, I deal with. know, multiple clients at the same time. I'll go into their home, I'll do a household assessment, and I get to peek inside of their world to look for risk and ways that service can be be improved and how to retain staff so that, everyone's working in a functioning system. So it's the same thing that we were doing, you know. In the landscape industry, but just moved into someone's home. And what's been so interesting about that is, it's always surreal experiences that, day to day management. When you tell somebody that, is having a meltdown because they're outta mascara or because the milk is 2% instead of home milk or, you know, it's like, get over yourself. people lose jobs in this industry because they're not listening, because they're not, meeting the family's needs. And so the stakes are very high. I would say that. Well, to tout a, a recent, wall Street Journal article, there was a painting in a dining room, the principal walked by and popped a can of soda and sat down and had a meeting at the dining room table. Nobody thought anything about it. The artwork inspectors came in. Annually to inspect the artwork, which happened to be a$25 million painting, and there was a spray

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

Coca-Cola, Coke Zero to

Kara:

Coax your specifically.

Kelly:

And so when I tell somebody that, they're like, what is the big deal? I'm like, well, it's a 25 million, you know? And so what I mean by all of that is. It's just you have to throw some zeros on everything that you talk about as far as the level of intensity, the, level of service expectations, the asset management, the detailed level of checklist when before a homeowner comes home, it could be. Into a vacation home. It could be into their primary residence. What needs to be done in their absence to prepare for the pre-arrival. those checklists can be. 2, 3, 4 pages long about room by room, restocking. So I'm, I'm not giving you very colorful

Kara:

I and I respect that and to, to make sure that we, just kind of explain language principle would be what exactly?

Kelly:

The

Kara:

The homeowner. Okay.

Kelly:

in

Kara:

S.

Kelly:

of ultra high net worth families, these are the homeowners that typically, and my clients are, homeowners who usually own more than two or three properties they have full-time staff. And usually it, it's more than a housekeeper, a personal assistant. Maybe there's a house manager, maybe there's a gardener, maybe there's a private chef. So these are people who at some point wanna stop being the employer. They wanna hire a house manager to take all of the household management operations off of their plate. So there's usually that middleman to say, we wanna step out of HR management, we wanna step out of, maintenance, household inventory content. Management and we want somebody else to do that. And so that's the world that I live in and create systems for.

Kara:

Yeah. And so I think to have, and it's this, all it is is is scale, right? So we're gonna, for my, for my community, we're gonna take off the zeros and add, the criticalness that we get it right. Whereas yes, of course the principle thinks it's pretty important if they have the right mascara. And I mean, in some cases it is, right. But, what we're.

Kelly:

full-time staff who should know these things,

Kara:

True.

Kelly:

insert a prescription medication

Kara:

Hmm mm-hmm.

Kelly:

now it becomes life threatening.

Kara:

Exactly. You nailed exactly what I was saying. So we take off some of the zeros. So it's essentially highlighting this. Function, right? This, so whether it's an estate manager, house manager, or mom or caregiver or dad, somebody is taking on this work. And so this is the heart of what I wanted to glean from your wisdom, your knowledge, your experience, and seeing it done in so many different ways, seeing it done successfully, seeing it done unsuccessfully. And before we kind of get into some of that, I wanna actually. Highlight what it's like to have. this work actually happening in somebody's home.

Kelly:

Mm-hmm.

Kara:

one of the things that when I speak to, particularly when we're looking at like nursing staff, when someone is in your home full time or I have an experience where we have an amazing respite provider that is now in our home and kind of now part of a routine that we're still figuring out. What dynamics do you see? Having kind of brought your profession and your expertise into people's dwelling places.

Kelly:

Well, it is about creating systems I usually talk about when a housekeeper takes vacation or when a house manager takes vacation, can someone else step into that role? are we creating, conversations, documentation. Specifications so that that person can be gone. So in your case, can the mom get away for a week for a girlfriend weekend or can the parents go away and work on their marriage and their relationship and the kids don't suffer? You know?

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

or anybody. The dog also gets taken care of. Whatever it is that allows. you to stop repeating yourself with the things that need to happen, regardless of whether you're there or not. There. Are you able to, prepare, I call'em memorandums of understanding? It could be for the healthcare providers, it could be for the housekeeper. How do you want them to enter your home? What are the working conditions? Do they need to bring their lunch? How do they need to dress? do you want them to stop talking so much and sharing their personal life? You know, like, how can you have someone in your home and not lose your mind, not lose your privacy, feel threatened because you know too much about their personal lives? Then start judging, ah, do I really want that person inside of my house taking care of my children, taking care of my child? You know, or, am I giving them too much trust? Are they trustworthy? Like, those conversations are different than a corporate environment where you in and

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

it's a benign workspace. This is such a different Conversation.

Kara:

Yeah, and I am, I don't know, kind of awe stricken on the, what you were able to articulate are all the same exact challenges that I hear from my community. And so obviously I know you're pulling from your experience. And so one, I think all of us special needs moms can kind of, you know, walk out with our heads high saying, you know, we have the same problems as the ultra rich,

Kelly:

Yeah. Yeah.

Kara:

but and obviously that's joking, but I think that you've really hit the nail on the head in some of the challenges of having people, part of these intimate aspects of our life, and again, the critical nature of, of getting it right. So let's pull from your experience in managing complex private households, and I'd like to hear what lessons that you can bring from your world that we can apply to the special needs world. Especially when we're juggling caregivers, therapists, medical providers, et cetera. What are the lessons that you see?

Kelly:

Well first let me back up To say, in the ultra high net worth world, staff is an option, right? You get tired of them, you could tell them to go home, like you could make your own bed. In your world, it may not be an option. And so I think to move forward with this conversation is to say it, it's actually more critical that the parents or whomever paid staff, start with something that I call a household assessment. If there's a fire, what if there's an earthquake? you know, what if there's a flood? the scenario is, at those types of emergency preparedness. the last time the fire extinguishers were serviced, or whatever, and eliminate those needs. Also, anybody that that comes into your home, believe should have a background investigation, should have a non-disclosure agreement.

Kara:

Hmm.

Kelly:

doesn't matter who you are, it doesn't matter if you have a PR risk

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

they could write a book about you. If you don't set this up properly, if you don't tell them that it's not okay to take pictures of my children and put it on social media, it's not okay to talk about my family. On their podcast or, you know, whatever it is, you have to set those boundaries and expectations about, what's not okay, what's acceptable, what's not acceptable, and then I'm sure there's more. But the third thing that I would look at is. You know, where all the aspects, what are, where are all the content in your house? You know where the salt and pepper is, you know where the toilet paper is. But if you don't organize your house in a way that someone else can manage the toilet paper inventory, someone else can manage, shampoo and I, say this, people roll their eyes, but how many shampoos do you need in your household? Like there should be one or two.

Kara:

Hmm.

Kelly:

the mom or the parents, and two for everybody else. That's it. When I walk in and I see 14 different kinds of shampoos or liquid soaps or whatever, it's like you've just unnecessarily complicated. Put the soap dispensers in and refill those things. You know,

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

let's get rid of some of the plastic. That's a whole different conversation, but make it sustainable so that when you order your ordering in bulk. You always have backup. You know where that backup is and you make it scalable. so that, well, to segue into housekeeping, I have housekeeping stations could be underneath the bathroom sink. It could be in a hall closet. Every floor on your house has a vacuum cleaner, so you're not dragging things up and down the staircase. And a little housekeeping caddy.

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

your preferred products and you know what happens? my clients are, have particular needs because of preference. You may have particular needs because of allergens, but have, if you've ever had someone come in and use fabulosa on the floors

Kara:

my gosh. Don't even get me started.

Kelly:

you have to evacuate the house for three days to get the fumes out.

Kara:

I want to like obliterate that company because that is poison and I'm I, every restaurant I go to, I smell it and I was like, why is everybody,

Kelly:

Can't do it.

Kara:

that's a total rant. I can't even, okay.

Kelly:

when you specify it's gotta be vinegar and water and

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

you or some other variation of a cleaning product that's acceptable to you, maybe you're okay with a lavender scent but not a peppermint. I don't know what, but those types of things impact your world and you get to have a say so about that, but not if you don't spell it out for somebody with a grocery shopping list that is down to the brand, the fragrance

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

know, the size of the container and where you buy that.

Kara:

Okay. I'm like, my mind just like, so like inspired, like I'm like taking notes over here, like writing down.'cause I'm like, especially'cause even just the housekeeping station, I was like, okay, like I have like, mm, like that job's like 5% done. I have a couple things that work there, but I was like, you know what? I'm not that far from being able to go like, you know what, I can go to Target and I can like. Kind of recognize which part of the systems don't work, and I can solve the system so that I don't have to keep reliving the problem Where I go to tell my kids to go clean the bathroom, or I ask them, I don't tell them. I mean, come on, I'm not a monster anymore. But,

Kelly:

We're getting out of monster states. We're evolving.

Kara:

Yes, we are. And right. We're like, it's like, oh no, well mom, where's the stuff? Oh, it's right. It's in the caddy where it's always at. And oh, it looks like your job also this week is to go refill all the caddies.

Kelly:

Mm-hmm.

Kara:

recognizing that, we're not maybe as far away from some of this as we, we feel sometimes, but that is a question that's coming up in my mind. It's like, okay, there's so many opportunities and. Even just that, you know, you think about specifying a grocery list to that level of degree,

Kelly:

Mm-hmm.

Kara:

great opportunity and ooh, where do we start? So like if someone, you said start with a household assessment, but in terms of getting some of these systems in place, like what would you suggest in terms of where one might start, especially if they're coming from, Ooh, I already feel like I have a lot on my plate kind of place.

Kelly:

I know, I know. You know, I would say that it's a great way to start and. So let's say nobody's got any money to put towards hiring an assistant to do this. literally walk around with my, it is a Apple Notes,

Kara:

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

little app.

Kara:

Oh yeah. I love that app. It's my favorite one.

Kelly:

it, I pull it up on my phone, I hit the voice dictate microphone, and I stand in the doorway of whatever room I'm working on and I say. you know, vacuum the baseboards and restock the fireplace supplies, and I voice dictate that punch list. I throw it into chat, GPT, my checklist, room by room. And I can say, I want this done. Weekly, monthly, seasonal, annual. But once you create that room by room checklist and it really is you, it can be as simple as voice dictating in denotes.

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

throwing it into chat, GPT or whatever you're, you know, Grammarly, whatever it

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

it will spit out a pretty complete checklist for each room now. Once you start putting that in together, the seasonal stuff, Hey, I want to cover all the outdoor furniture, before the first freeze, so November 1st, I'm gonna put that on the calendar because I want it to repeat. I use Trello, which is also a free service for. Probably 75% of the stuff that you need to, organize and put in a system. They have their own calendar. You can share it with any other online calendar for absolutely free. what I think once you connect it to your calendar, you have to,

Kara:

I pay for it.

Kelly:

service. But that's how I got started managing, large houses is creating a system within. Trello, that got everything out of my paper notes, my head, my calendar, email, texting, all of that, and that online system. And it's, it's got an amazing phone app again for no money. You could share that with your housekeeper. You can share it with your husband, you can share it with your kids who are helping you. clean house. Here's your chores for this week. They pull it up on their phone, they tick the boxes, and you can see who's done. You know there by Friday evening. We're not going to dinner until your checklist is done, but I would say I'm off track on, am I answering?

Kara:

No, you are, well, I wanna, here's what I wanna say is Trello is a project management software tool, right? So there's others out there,

Kelly:

Yeah.

Kara:

this is a, this is a tool.

Kelly:

Trello, it's just what I

Kara:

No, just to kind of let people know what it is and,'cause there's others out there, Asana, et cetera. But this is a great one.

Kelly:

Yeah.

Kara:

And I also think. Oh yeah. Yeah. Right. I also think, oh, this is an interesting thing where I've never explored kind of looking at managing my son's medical care through the lens of project management. So you and I both shared, you know, one of the roles we had was literally project management. And so I think it's kind of fun to take all of the processes and the experience from what worked and what made us really good at that. To the like, what also. Can use some tools and resources that are free. And that's what I love about starting here

Kelly:

Yeah.

Kara:

kind of, again, put it into systems. And I think when I'm hearing you, I feel like one of the biggest impediments that it's mostly moms that are caregiving, certainly not exclusively, but mostly that's the, the primary, roles, that they share, they have, they hold is it's all on their head. Right. So it's like it, the, and the effort it takes to sometimes, and I, I find myself sometimes getting all the words out of my mouth to my children's ears in a way that they're hearing it and digesting it in the moment is a lot.

Kelly:

Yeah.

Kara:

And so I'm like, Ooh. I like, I'm like, again, oh, I like this idea of putting it in something like Trello. repeatable. Where I can be like, yeah, this needs to get done and I don't have to, kind of be the bottleneck essentially is kind of what I think the opportunity is.

Kelly:

Well, and you're gonna organize this the way it works best for you. If it stays in notes and it just gets bullet points, you know, you can print that out, you know, you can put it on a checklist or, or on a clipboard or the refrigerator. And somebody else who doesn't, you know, wanna use an app, just goes buying physically ticks those boxes. You know, it's very easy to stay in paper mode if that's what works best for your family.

Kara:

Well then I wanna point out an aspect here of freeing up some of the m. Mental and emotional load that we carry as moms because even so, a couple years ago we were going on a vacation, to Hawaii and I was like, okay, I gotta pack for everybody. And it's a lot of things to re-remember. And so, and you know, it was kind of fun. I was like, I am gonna go on Canva and make a really pretty packing list. Also using, you know, what people have done before me. It's like, Hey, if I use their packing list, I won't forget anything. And so it actually became kind of this fun thing now that I make a packing list every time we're gonna pack for something and I just I take the one from before and customize it, of course for weather and, and type of travel, et cetera. But it's kind of fun'cause we, I can like do the themes and stuff like that. So it's fun. And then I, it's pretty, and I make it for all of my children and they use it to varying degrees, but it helps my mind. just be like, I am not gonna forget anything. I have my packing list. I thought through it once, and now I don't have to keep thinking and spinning and not sleeping at night because I'm afraid I'm gonna forget something. And so I think it's the same concept, right? Where it's like, yes, maybe we don't have to stress about cleaning our baseboards, but knowing that things are handled, especially like in the household realm. Can offer so much support to somebody who is in an intense caregiving role because we don't have to, like, that's like we, we can let that stuff go. Or maybe medication management, we're not quite there yet, but letting go of some of the things that we can take care of and really elevate the way that we even consider, oh, bringing on a housekeeper that cannot just, actually, I'm going to, I guess I'm gonna brag on myself for a second, one of the times. I had hired enough people to help in our family that I recognized, okay, there's people in my home anyhow, I'm hiring somebody who I trust with my children. I'm essentially replacing myself while I'm at work. I'm gonna hire, I'm gonna put in the job description, all the things for my kids as a nanny, but I'm also gonna add light housekeeping, a little bit of help with laundry for the kids, dinner prep, maybe even making dinner and. That's the job I hired for because I recognized that that was the need I had and it was like, I don't know why no more people are not doing this. This was amazing. But bringing in more help, like kind of expanding our minds a little bit and fun, fun story actually is Alex who is editing this podcast and we'll hear this is the person that was the best ever and the person that ultimately fulfilled that job. And we still miss her dearly so.

Kelly:

But that point, which is people do move on

Kara:

Yes.

Kelly:

you probably had to start again with. The training with the onboarding, with the conversations about the specifications and

Kara:

and we didn't move on, as in, I don't have in-home help in that way. And I think it's time for kind of a next iteration of like, we don't necessarily need nanny care at this point'cause you know, well. We might,'cause yes, my children are growing in age, but some of them are not growing in maturity and independence. So that might maybe needs to be rethought the way that I'm looking at it. But, let's talk about that a little bit in terms of what else that we haven't talked about already or that we maybe elaborate on. Can we do as the leaders of the household to help establish these routines or get everybody on the same page? Page like, I mean, you, you said earlier like this, what did you say about the kittens? Like hurting, not, it wasn't hurting the kittens, it was like getting all the kittens in the basket, like.

Kelly:

and baskets.

Kara:

Yes. Gathering our kittens because that is very much, what it's like running a household is, you know, you got one thing going and then you got another thing running away. So what comes to your mind in terms of kind of getting everybody on the same page? I.

Kelly:

Well, you are gonna be able to determine age appropriate responsibilities, I think. And this, if this sounds judgy, I apologize. But oftentimes we lack this in maybe parenting. And as being an employer, the accountability side of these are your responsibilities. You must every day make your bed, put your dirty clothes away and put your toys away. We get busy

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

We move on without. Actually saying, not only am I gonna hold you accountable, there's gonna be some, ramifications, like you're gonna lose some privileges. The lack of understanding about what those are, upfront. You don't get to go to play on Saturday if your chores aren't done or whatever is probably. You tell me the hardest part of parenting. You know, and so if you don't have staff, it really has to be a team effort. And I think where, a lot of women get, worn out. Or whoever the primary caregiver is, just gets absolutely worn out and worn down is when they don't have a team, when they're trying to do it all themselves. When they don't down and hold the people, on their team accountable for the work that they are, required to do as part of the family. or as a part of the hired staff, you know,

Kara:

yeah.

Kelly:

what is everybody's role? when you understand that. I don't know if if this applies, but it's almost like a, a little bit of corporate mentality, which is, Hey, we're gonna get together on Sunday night after dinner. We're gonna talk about the next week. We're gonna talk about the calendar, we're gonna talk about what everybody's part is in the week's activities, so that they understand if they blow a gasket and they, you know, have a meltdown and they, you know, it impacts everybody else in the family. They don't get to do something because their part wasn't completed.

Kara:

Oh, I think you've hit on such a, a, I guess I wanna use the word delicate only. Be delicate. because it's such an area of struggle. especially I think in, I'll use myself as an example, so. My children who are not Levi, who are not my disabled child, they're already dealing with an extraordinary amount of stress

Kelly:

Mm-hmm.

Kara:

and turmoil in their household.

Kelly:

Yeah.

Kara:

And so what some of us do, and I am guilty of, is we hesitate in implementing those types of consequences. You didn't do X, therefore Y is not available to you. And. Because we have this whole rationale, this whole mentality, it's already so hard, et cetera, et cetera. And I'm not talking about like, there is, I believe, an opportunity for grace, for our children, right? We're like, actually this happened with my oldest, where he's a man of many, many passions and his many passions. Seemed to be sprinkled all over the house, and my expectation is that he cleans up all of the things. This is a struggle for him. And he had put something away in a way in which it was, you know, what we call in our household half-assed riska, like

Kelly:

Mm-hmm.

Kara:

do the job. Right the first time is what we're shooting for, not what we're always getting. And this, you know, husband and myself are guilty of this too. But, essentially there was a half a situation, he was at his girlfriend's and like we were, my husband and I were like, you know, had our phones and our fingers were ready to text and be like, you need to come home and make this right. And we didn't, we're like, okay, let's just make the boundary really clear that this is what will happen next time should you decide to do this again. But you should know that this is what you were teetering on the edge of being called home from something you wanted to be at, because this is the standard that we expect you to have in our household. So that was like, there was this grace. but should we have maybe thrown down the, the, the, what is it called when you throw down something?

Kelly:

Oh, the, the

Kara:

Gavel. Yeah, we, we maybe sh maybe we should have, I don't know. Are we being too soft? I don't know. It's hard questions to answer, but

Kelly:

not touching that,

Kara:

Okay. But back to, so I call it delicate because I think that. Nobody wants to make their child's life harder. Nobody wants to deal with a meltdown. And so also when, you know, when I tell my daughter, this is gonna be what happens because of this thing that happened or didn't happen. I know predictably I'm going to get a lot of screaming and crying, and some days I just don't have it. And so these are the things that stop us. But I, I think that also, I see this all the time in the businesses I work with. In the consulting and coaching realm as well, whereas we have a little bit of a wonky relationship with accountability. We, as a culture, have a real hard time having straight and direct feedback conversations and also just that simple. You said you were going to do this and it didn't happen.

Kelly:

Yeah,

Kara:

what are we going to do about that? and so I think that there's just an opportunity, to grow here. If any further thoughts, I guess, on, on accountability or

Kelly:

well,

Kara:

with that aspect?

Kelly:

I think we all struggle with that. day in every situation, whether it's a child or a client or you know, a spouse, I think that, it's our lesson in life. I also think as women or just as caregivers in general, you're dealing with extraordinary circumstances. Like are extra challenges. But I think that every family or every organization has some sort of challenge. thing that I want to ask you to think about is what is the impact on you when you don't? Allow your children or your team to take some of these things. So maybe it's things aren't as tidy as you wish them to be, and there's no, there's no real negative impact from that. But I've used this analogy in my podcast, which is the kids will make their bed, they throw the covers over. They're clear. The floor it, it looks pretty clean from the doorway. You get to check those boxes. Room looks pretty clean. What you don't know is the dirty dishes, the candy wrappers, and all the dirty socks underwear is shoved underneath the bed. And now we have a rampant moth problem or a rodent problem that is penetrating and not only penetrating the whole entire house, but my adjoining closet with my cashmere sweaters is getting eaten alive

Kara:

Oh.

Kelly:

like so. The bleed. On all of this, and I'm, I'm being, I'm painting this picture of, maybe it's not that right. Maybe it's, yeah. Yeah. It wasn't a tidy job and I wish they had done better, but extraordinary circumstances and the bleed of all of this it can be a little more impactful. So there's the mechanical. Side of that, but what's the bleed on you, your husband and the other family members who see this happening?

Kara:

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Kelly:

at some point the other kids are gonna go. There weren't any consequences over here. You know, like that whole messaging. And so look, let's call it messaging to everybody else is like. Wasn't that important. He didn't get in trouble. He didn't, you know, lose privileges. again, we all struggle with it. There is a day-to-day management and decision making about the level of intensity of whatever that situation is and how to deal with it. But the overall, I'm gonna use a corporate word of team messaging, is, is that hidden gray area of, oh, I'm never gonna get this back.

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

going to be seen as, not instilling fear, but just that leadership role in the house where everyone knows what the rules are and are consequences when you don't, you know, participate I don't wanna give parenting advice'cause that would be ill, ill advise. I'm just saying. messaging to the rest of the team and your personal energy, your personal head space has to be protected at some point.

Kara:

I feel like the que I can't, I don't have the words exactly for it, but the question that you prompted our listeners to think of I think is a really good one. So, what was it? What was the cost?

Kelly:

Yeah.

Kara:

Yeah.

Kelly:

energy and your. Head space in your, I can't deal with one more thing. Like, are you improving that situation? Are you gonna muddle in it and stay,

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

multiply it because the other kids are seeing no consequences? Means I don't have to do my chores either.

Kara:

Well, even, so you talked about the, the concept of like clutter. as ne it's not that big a deal. Maybe there's not an impact, but I would actually say just a couple hours ago I was on a call with a special needs bond community and we were talking about that thing specifically about how it, it's one thing that gives us a little bit of peace that gives us a little bit of sense of order that we desperately need. And so it actually is a huge thing. And that's where I think that, you know, the, the question you're prompting is essentially how can you move towards that that's helping you and not stay stuck in kind of maybe what's going on by default or where you find yourself now. So I think really good, avenues to look through room.

Kelly:

And I would say on a day-to-day basis, you know. Okay. We'll get through it. what you and I talked about earlier, which is you hit a break point. And it could be the most mundane, smallest, little minuscule thing that pushes you over the edge that you went, wow. I didn't see that coming and I wish, but it was the buildup

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

these little chipping away at your patients at your, understanding and just lack of support from anybody else. So, you know, I think that, it really is a teamwork or a leadership mentality. You can apply it in the landscape industry, you can apply it in private service, you can apply it in your own home. but gosh, there has to be a strong leader, to say, this hammer down, this is the way it's going. Yeah. both you your husband need to be on the same team about this. your adult children need to understand it and, be held accountable. And then there's, you know, the various ways that your younger children understand it, and have lesser responsibilities, but still something that contributes.

Kara:

Yeah, totally. So I love the lens of a leader, like looking at it through like

Kelly:

Yeah.

Kara:

'cause I think even if I think back to our conversation, it's like, I look at this, these aspects of leadership. So we've talked about vision setting, we've talked about communication, we've talked about accountability. We've talked about celebrating successes and noticing what's not succeeding. And there's so much more that we, you know, haven't, that I won't mention, but I think that. As we kind of start to round out the conversation, I look back at my summer and some things went well, and some things were really hard, and one of the things I noticed is that, my leadership was being challenged, as in I was struggling to effectively create a vision, to communicate the vision, and then to partner with my children to fulfill the vision.

Kelly:

Mm-hmm.

Kara:

And I was also just really tired.

Kelly:

Yeah.

Kara:

which is often a place which we're leading from, right? We're like, this is like, you know, think about a leader that's leading a company in crisis, right? That is high stakes. And so that's kind of the game we're playing here over, you know, in the special needs mom world. But, I just couldn't help but recognize wow, like, you know. Knowing a lot about leadership and being able to be an effective leader are two different things. And I actually love practicing it, but I was, I was ready for a break. So, is there anything else that we didn't necessarily get to touch on as, like you think about moms reclaiming their peace and peace of mind, that maybe, you know, whether they're managing an estate or a two bedroom apartment that you feel like would be something to take away?

Kelly:

well we hear about this on social media every day, but you can't give what you don't have. So if your cup is empty. You can't strategically plan, you can't lead, you can't manage, you can't share or delegate. I don't know how you get to a point where get to take a break to reenergize yourself. Right? But you know, you've done this for years. there are things that you must have at some point to become a decent human being. And it's sleep and it's head space and it's connection with your partner. And it's organized house where you don't run outta milk, you know all of that. And some of us aren't natural planners. You and I are, but some people just don't have it. And, There may to be somebody who comes in and helps organize the physical space, helps strategic plan, but maybe it's a friend, you know, it can't happen haphazardly, I guess is my point. the goal alone of creating a peaceful home. Okay. If that's your mission statement, are the steps, the immediate steps that need to be taken? I need to get some housekeeping help. I need to, engage two of my oldest children to get the laundry done. need to give a really clear grocery shopping list to whoever ask, you know, whoever's going. So I can ask for support. That vision may be the only thing that fuels you with enough energy to get to the point where you can kind of turn this thing around. Because living in the muck and the depleted ness of all of this, it has an end time. You know, you're going to at some point. Curled up in bed, you know, and somebody will be taking care of you

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

something you cannot afford.

Kara:

Yeah.

Kelly:

there is a tipping point. There is work to be done to manage own house as a single woman with no children. Like I know there's certain things that when I get off the road and when I get done with really high maintenance clients, have to mark myself off for a couple of days. I have to, if it's, you know, grocery or, right now I'm doing, you know, food delivery service. I can't wrap my head around groceries, menus, all of that. Like we could talk about that all day long. Getting your family fed, like there are hierarchies of. Everybody needs clean clothes. Everybody needs food, and everybody needs to be able to get to school on time, work on time. Those are fundamental things that your family needs, so you work backwards from that list to say, all the things that get in the way of us accomplishing those on a very regular basis. And when you start thinking about it like that, guarantee you that stress level just starts to lower just a little bit just in conversation about this. if it's a hour a week where you sit down at the kitchen table and you do a planning session. That is investment in your stress level, lowering the medication management, the who, you know, delivery service that gets that to you with when you're not standing in the line at Target pharmacy. You know, all of those things. How can I free up my time and my energy so that all of this gets done? I, I promise you that that time invested, even if you just have a whiteboard post-it notes on the, you know, a bedroom mirror or something where you can move things around. Once it's up there, it's like, oh, it's not my brain anymore.

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

to hit repeat so that I don't forget something. It's like the packing list.

Kara:

Mm-hmm.

Kelly:

has something very specific. And there's some things that if you forget those, your trip's not gonna go well. Your whole entire family has to pivot. So discovering those, and I'm, I'm preaching to the choir here because you've been doing this for so long, but, it really is just, Slowing down to the point where you're not constantly feeling like you're drowning and, and just looking at the 30,000 foot level of what do we need here and who's gonna do it?

Kara:

I think I'm feeling, I'm leaving this conversation connected to this idea of how important it is to believe that it's possible to have it go a different way. if we're really on a

Kelly:

I can do

Kara:

Yep. Uhhuh, and you can, but as you were just saying, like, and eventually you won't be able to, but I think if you think about somebody. You know, myself, even in a situation where, wow, like if, if it feels hard or if it feels like, oh, there's just so much to get to the next, the next spot, the critical factor is believing that it can go a different way in a positive direction.

Kelly:

Yeah.

Kara:

Why? Because that's gonna be the thing that has, you get out the post notes than the whiteboard. It's the gonna be the thing that has the conversation with your husband and your kids. It's gonna be the thing that actually shifts you into action because. You're gonna believe it has potential to create what you want. So I think that's what I think I'm really connected to and, and actually very excited to like look at all the different little ways. I feel like a lot of things that you've mentioned, they're not, monumental. I don't have to move my home. I don't have to get a whole new family. I can actually do little things that, to me, sound kind of exciting and fun and like, I mean, you know, my kids are old enough and, and some of my kids have the capability to really bring into this. So actually one of mine who complains about food the most often, I was like, you know what? I think he might have just gotten himself a job

Kelly:

Hmm.

Kara:

as in maybe he can do the research to find a, a meal plan or. Meal service company that, you know, fits the budget and his eating desires and my health needs. So anyhow, that's just a little random idea, but thank you so much for this conversation, Kelly. I can't wait to catch up, but more, it's been a while for us, but, thank you so much for gifting who you are with this community.

Kelly:

thanks for the opportunity.

Kara:

All right, well, we'll see you all in the next episode.