The Special Needs Mom Podcast

The Challenging Story is Not The Only Story

• Kara Ryska • Episode 279

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This episode came from a simple morning walk and one very unexpected moment of wisdom from my teenage niece’s boyfriend. We spent Thanksgiving together and he shared something that stopped me in my tracks. It got me thinking about how the people we spend time with quietly shape our thinking, our habits, our emotional landscape and even our hope. As special needs moms we often forget how much this matters because our lives feel full before they even begin.

In this conversation, I explore community, both the good and the harmful parts of it. I talk about why we pick up the beliefs of the people we are around, why default cultural narratives like holidays always being terrible can keep us stuck and how we can intentionally choose rooms that lift us up. I also share a powerful story from a memorial service that reminded me that healing usually happens shoulder to shoulder, never solo. If you have been craving connection or wondering why certain spaces feel draining, this episode will give you clarity, inspiration and a gentle nudge toward what feels good and true.


Another episode on suffering: Episode 164 Doing Hard Things Without Suffering 


Speaker:

Hi, I am Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. Fast forward, past many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created the Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flare of possibility in your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome.

Hello and welcome to the Special Needs Mom podcast. I'm recording this episode just a few days after Thanksgiving, and I just enjoyed the most amazing piece of pecan pie. I keep telling myself those will be the last piece I eat. Like, you know, each time I eat one, like I've got to curtail my pie eating. Soon here, we gotta get under control, but okay. That's not what we're talking about today. We're talking about, just simple. I was walking this morning and this is what I came up with to talk to y'all about, and it was a conversation that I had with my niece's boyfriend and it was just like, it, it definitely stood out, in a positive way. I was talking to him. So he's a junior in high school and he came down, so he lives up in Nevada. And he came down to San Diego with my brother and of course my brother's daughter, my niece for the whole week of Thanksgiving. And he's only a, he's a junior in high school. And so I asked him, I said, how did you manage to get your parents to like give you up for this holiday week?'cause I'm thinking. Through the lens of me as a mom, I would have a really hard time letting another family get to enjoy my son And so I was, you know, asking from that perspective. And I, I really wanna acknowledge him because his answer was so much more generous and like, conversational than I had anticipated. And he. Went into explaining how it took him like several weeks to build up the courage to ask and, but he then went into his strategy and how he approached it, and to his surprise, both of his parents were supportive and. Thus we got to spend Thanksgiving week with him. The thing that really stood out to me in this conversation though, is that he said, and one of the reasons I, that he believes that his parents said yes. He's like, ever since I have been dating my niece. my life has gotten nothing but better and my family's life has gotten better. And he shared. He's like, yeah, you know, my dad started rock climbing again, et cetera, et cetera. So he's sharing these ways that he tangibly sees his family. Changing for the good and he's tracing it back to the relationship that he's in with my niece. No, I mean, of course I'm a proud aunt and thinking my niece is incredible and I could see why this is the case, but really the reason I wanted to tell the story is because. It. You know, it wasn't, It really just struck me the impact that the people around us have on us. It's the attitudes that they have that we soak up. It's the beliefs that they have. Ultimately we'll become more like them. and vice versa, they'll become more like us. It's part of human psychology. And so it got me thinking, it got me thinking about our communities and the different ones that we belong to as moms and as women. And that. Can you say that you are better by being part of them? And I have done an episode on unsupportive support group, so, We know that sometimes what's intended to be supportive or helpful doesn't actually create that experience for us, and that's why I wanted to bring this conversation or this topic to the podcast today because I'm all about intention. And so we are intentionally asking these questions, kind of pausing and saying, are we better because of who we are spending time with? Are we growing? As a result of the people that you're spending time with, are you feeling more known and connected? That's a interesting question to ask specifically after many of us would've been with our families, during this last week of Thanksgiving and. Many of us leave the experience of having been with our families that you know, who we think should know is the best, and we realize we don't feel more known or connected, which is kind of like a, a little bit of a head scratcher. And that should have us think, huh, okay, well that's the experience I'm having. What am I gonna do about that? other questions we might ask is, are you feeling more supported and more grounded as a result of the people that you are? Spending time with, are you getting to know yourself more and like I do. So I'm not always as explicit about it, but I approach this podcast from a coaching perspective, not that of a friend. And the slight distinction, I mean, I become friends with a lot of the people that I have coached, but I start off. As a coach and the difference and the distinction is a friend listens and supports you. A coach listens and questions you in a loving and supportive way, obviously, and only through the lens of what my client wants, not like my own agenda or whatever ideas I might have, but we help ask the question, is that actually true? The filter that we're using to look at things often is subconscious and we don't even recognize we have it. So that's what coaches do. We help bring awareness and question things in a way that, helps you get more of what you want and less of what you. Don't want. And you know, coaches say the things that your friends won't say, because you know, you don't wanna hurt your friend's feelings. But as a coach, I'm actually okay with making you uncomfortable. I would never intend to hurt one's feelings, but sometimes that does happen. I would say, or like, it like is jarring to have someone re reflect back to you something that, you know, we're, we're not normally, things are not normally brought to our awareness. Okay. But the premise, and the reason I'm kind of setting this up is I relate to you as a whole powerful, capable human being and our lives are too valuable to suffer through. Our lives are too hard. To add suffering on top. And so that's what I wanna bring this topic up. And if you're like, wait, what's the difference between hard life and suffering? I would point you to episode number 1 64, doing hard things without suffering. We will have a link to that in the show notes. Okay. So I mentioned in a previous episode already that my personal social media consumption has dramatically decreased on purpose, but I do still lynch my way back there occasionally. And over the last week, I did and I saw something that, I don't know what the right word for it exactly, but. It stood out to me, and obviously it's what the algorithm fed me, but the themes that I'm seeing are that the holidays suck for special needs moms. Now let's pause and slow it on down because. Yes, we could definitely easily find 101 reasons why the holidays suck for special needs moms and families. That's not hard work. See, this is a thing that I am kinda challenging you from, not as friend, not as a co-conspirator in our suffering, but as somebody that is wanting to orient. Myself and this community towards more of what we want. And so back to 101 reasons why the holidays could suck. That is easy. It's easy to find those reasons. They're presented for us readily, and so that's like the default. We are serve the platter of all the reasons it could suck. And we are going to easily see other moms reflecting that same experience. And so that will, we'll look at that and be like, oh, that's normal. So we're supposed to feel like this sucks and we're gonna feel pity and despair. And that is kind of the baseline where most of us feel like, okay, we're doing it normally we're doing it like most other people. So the thing is that. This is also what's going to keep you miserable. It's gonna keep us miserable if that's where we spend our thoughts, our energy, our time, our relationships, that is definitely gonna be the experience we have. And so I wanna make a very quick, but very important note here. I am not talking about not acknowledging the grief and the sadness and the longing that many of us have for our lives. That's a whole separate conversation and probably, stay tuned for a future episode. So yes and yes, it's true. Many of the feelings, the genuine feelings that we have are highlighted in, and maybe even, exacerbated during the holiday season. But I'm not talking about, Actually feeling the impact, and processing these feelings. I'm talking about indulging in the culture of pity. Maybe it's not pity exactly, but it's the. Yeah, I can't think of a better way to say it than indulging in the emotions and I was very tempted to, at this point, to dive into, the difference between acknowledging and processing our feelings, versus indulging in our emotions. but it's, like I said, it's a whole nother podcast episode, so I'm gonna leave it there. But I want you to really pay attention. I am not, suggesting that we, Just acknowledge the grief and the sadness and the heart like that will lead to burnout, and it will definitely not lead to more connection. So I'm suggesting that it's a both and it's that we do the work to process our and tend to our grief and our sadness, and then we intentionally cultivate more of what we want. And I'm gonna, highlight this concept through another story. also last week I went to one of my friend's mother's memorial service. Now, I never had the chance to meet her mom in real life. but what I got to learn about her mom is that she was a superstar in the recovery community, specifically Alcoholics Anonymous. And I got to witness story after story. Of the impact that her mother had as a result of kind of the crappy situation she had. Like, I mean, I don't know if she would describe it that way, but I'm not thinking that most people are like, yes, I, was assigned the job and life of being an alcoholic. I think it's kind of similar in, in parallel in, in saying, I would never choose this, or, or like, Push this on anybody or wish this on anybody. But since this is where I find myself, I will, I do see the good that can come out of it. So I'm putting words into her mouth. I don't know if that would be how she would actually describe it, but I think people in recovery, do the extraordinary work of storing re. Defining who they will be in the face of the situation they find theirselves in Alcoholics Anonymous. the situation would be that being an alcoholic. So back to kind of the parallel, we as mothers find ourselves in this situation where we have a child or children with the disabilities or the medical conditions that they have, and. Based on that criteria, it's like I want you to picture where you have different paths. We can go on one path's going to lead down the road of, suffering. and almost just picture an alcoholic who does not step into recovery. That is a real heartbreaking life. and vice versa. Or alternatively, look an alcoholic who. Takes a path of recovery. That is not easy work. I don't know if there's much more respectable work. It takes an extraordinary amount of intention and commitment and perseverance. And the key here, and the whole point of this is community. She, this mother, her name is Gracie, surrounded herself with people. Who are taking one small step after another to make their life better. One small step like that in recovery community looks like attending, one meeting after another. Being sober for one more day, taking one day at a time. And there's a foundational belief in the recovery community that you cannot do it on your own. And that's why I'm sharing the story here today is'cause I'm like, same, same. See the theme here, the people around you matter. And so my goal for this conversation is for you to feel inspired to find the pockets of people who are the people who are making you better. So just like my niece's boyfriend, who are the people that you're gonna hang out with that are gonna inspire you to like exercise more, to eat healthier, to say no to that extra piece of pecan pie, to, read more to. Change the way that you think about things to be more compassionate and loving towards yourself and others to not gossip. I mean, there's, I could keep going on and on, but I think you get the idea. One, it doesn't happen overnight, but it is taking small steps one at a time. And so I did a little brainstorm, so that you can make this very, tangible and actionable. And so here's where I would start if I was you. This is where I start. I spend time, you know, in quotes, metaphorical time with authors as I read their books. So I love to walk. I have been walking more lately. I'm trying to reintegrate that habit. And so I listen to books and so I, I mean, I'm not technically with people that you know in live, but I do feel like as a result I am getting, either more educated or more entertained or, many other things. But I think that is one small way. Books, podcasts, et cetera. But other communities that I think if you think about communities that you wanna be part of to help you grow, I mean, obviously mentioned recovery, community, there's many different kinds of recovery communities. and so that would be a great place to look if that feels like a good place for you to start. Another place to start could be something like a Bible study. No, I know it might not be super accessible, but, it may work for some of you, so that's why I'm mentioning it. Support groups, of course. So there's gonna be, diagnosis specific groups, and some are going to be amazing and so uplifting and encouraging. And actually I think, the tumor community, of my son's brain tumor, the group is phenomenal. And, I feel like we are becoming more educated. it's like a very supportive community and I love it. okay., I mean, how can I not mention the patho to Peace coaching community? I mean, it's kind of what I'm all about. And, the, the one small step you could take today is add yourself to the wait list.'cause it's not currently open. You can't join today, but you can sign up to just receive emails, about when it is open again. And so you can do so by clicking on the link. that's always on the episodes for, the wait list and just to be added so that you stay in the know. what else? Comes to my mind book clubs. I am not currently part of a book club, but even something simple like that where it's okay, like we're gonna read a book together and discuss it. even if it's just a, a novel, right? Like I think that there's something about, being with people who are engaging themselves in reading versus maybe just passively consuming social media. Like you don't really have like clubs around watching social media. I sound like such a social media hater lately, but I also have teenage sons who I'm constantly talking to about this stuff, so maybe that's why it's on my mind a lot. Okay. Last idea I have is like, I think about a yoga class. I think about all the people in that room. that even just for that hour or so, of that day, they have chosen to go, practice yoga. And so these are just very simple examples, but hopefully you're walking away from this episode. just with a little, a little spark, a little touch of inspiration of, bringing intentionality around who you spend your time with, because those are gonna be the people you are going to become more and more like the people that you're spending time with. Now, if you're like, well, the only people I spend time with. Is my spouse and or children and or special needs child. not, don't worry, you're not doing it wrong. well, I would actually disagree because you are listening to this, which means that you're spending time with me and by default, many in the special needs mom community, as I bring, you know, just this thoughts and perspectives that I get to hear from, the, the real stories. So, you're on your way. Well on your way. Alright, well that is gonna be a wrap today and we will see you on the next episode.