A Mindset That Can Handle Uncertainty: Learning How to Be Okay Even When You’re Not

A powerful reflection on uncertainty, resilience, and learning how to trust yourself in seasons where you cannot control the outcome. This episode explores what it really means to be okay even when life is not okay, and how to build a mindset that can hold uncertainty without losing your footing.

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Transcript

Speaker: 1:31

Hi, I am Kara, life coach, wife and mom to four incredible and unique children. It wasn't all that long ago that my son received a diagnosis that had my world come crashing down. I lacked the ability to see past the circumstances, which felt impossible and the dreams I once had for my life and family felt destroyed. Fast forward, past many years of surviving and not at all thriving, and you'll see a mom who trusts that she can handle anything that comes her way and has access to the power and confidence that once felt so lacking. I created the Special Needs Mom podcast to create connection and community with moms who find themselves feeling trapped and with no one who really understands. My intention is to spark the flare of possibility in your own life and rekindle your ability to dream. This isn't a podcast about your special needs child. This is a podcast about you. If you are a mom who feels anxious, alone or stuck, then you are in the right place. Welcome.

2:39

Hello and welcome to the Special Needs Mom podcast. This is Kara, your host, and, if you are in one of those states or areas that just survived all of this weather. Good. Yay. I don't know what else to say, but, I just wanted to acknowledge, you know, it's been wild. I'm here in San Diego, so, really, a lot to celebrate as it relates to weather. But, I've been hearing from all of, my community and friends and all the things and, I know it's been a lot. So when I say, congratulations. I think we got it. I think you made it through. And when I say congratulations, I really mean it. that is a hard thing to face, with many of you needing, medical equipment and electricity for that. And I know it's been a lot Grapple with. And actually I feel like this episode will be good, in a thought provoking way to kind of look back on that time and reflect and as we do, learn from our past experiences. But before we get into the episode, I thought I'd share a little personal story. It's always kind of fun. and it's kind of about perspective. So this past weekend, my family, which is the six of us, there's, we have four children. My husband and I, we grappled with the loss of yet another family vacation. I'll give you a little perspective. I will give you a little context. Back in 2021, we had to cancel a family cruise that we were actually, the cruise would've been in 2022, but we had to cancel it, when my son Levi, was facing yet another surgery and basically his treatment schedule, and the crews, did not coexist well and so. We had to cancel it. And back to this weekend, my oldest son, who is a rugby player, injured his ankle a couple weeks ago and never did we ever think that it was gonna be so significant that he needed surgery. And you know that, you know, I, I tell people the story. Oh yeah, my son needs surgery and you know, this and that. And they're like, oh, wow, that's a lot. And then I, then I tell them the second part, and he can't fly, which means our family will not be going on the vacation to Hawaii that we all thought we would be going to in the middle of February, we'll be staying home. And it's funny, I was at a friend's, a really good friend's birthday celebration and so there was a lot of naturally, you know, other friends there. And I was sharing the news and somebody asked, actually it was a new person I'd met. I really liked her. She was so cool. Luana, what a cool name. She was like, like Moana, but with an L. I was like, okay, now I've got it. Okay. She asked, have you cried yet? Good question. And. You know, my answer was no. And not because I'm not sad about it, but dealing with a foot surgery or ankle surgery for an otherwise healthy child feels easy a. It feels fine. Actually, remember when I was in the emergency room with this same child, when he had broken his foot plane tag? you notice theme here? No. and we were sitting in the, children's, emergency room waiting for care, and we both brought books and so we were sitting there and I just, at that time and, and kind of is the same for now. It's like dealing with a little injury or big injury feels so different than dealing with the things that we're used to with our children. And I know we wanna be careful with comparison, but I think. Not really is my goal to compare. It's really to acknowledge that yes, this trip loss is a super bummer and it's hard to navigate that with children because I'm not only dealing with my own sadness and bummer, loss grief. I'm dealing and creating space for my children's. Feelings. And that part actually is a little harder for me. so. It's just something I thought worth mentioning. and also side note, maybe send me all your recommendations for your favorite suntan lotions or like the, what is it? The self tanner, because I was like really looking forward to getting a little sun on the skin of mine. I feel like it's this time of the year that I'm like, ugh, looking a little pasty. Even in San Diego, I look pasty and I would prefer not to, and that's why I was like really excited about the sun and the turtles and the time together and all that. So. We will be coming up with a Plan B scenario, which I'm not sure what it looks like, so Interestingly enough, before I knew we were canceling the trip, I read this particular quote that I wanted to share and kind of use this, the foundation for our conversation, this episode today. And many of you have heard about, James Clear, who is the author of Atomic Habits. the book, he sold like gazillion copies. and so you've, if you haven't read it, it's definitely one, two read. I'm sure you can get a used copy real easy. So he sends out a weekly email. Sometimes I read it, sometimes I don't. But this past week I did read it and I wanted to share this particular quote with you or his thought. Really? I don't know if it's a quote, what's the difference? It is something he said, and I also wanna make sure we did give him credit for that. It's simple, but it's kind of profound and we're gonna break it down. So here's what he wrote. The ultimate form of preparation is not planning for a specific scenario, but a mindset that can handle uncertainty. And again, even before I knew that things were changing, for what I thought was gonna happen, this quote hit me. And you know, it deeply resonated because we've been in a season of relative calm, like. You know, as I shared last week, and you know, as I've shared, obviously today, like things are happening, right? Like it's, we're not in this like blissful, existence. Like people are getting sick, ankles are breaking, all that kind of stuff. Trips are getting canceled. But if I zoom out a little bit, it's been a season of relative calm, particularly with my son, Levi, who is my special needs child. And you know, those quiet seasons, those seasons that start to stretch on and nothing major happens. There's no big news or change or scary thing. It's those quiet seasons that start to wear on us. They start to whisper the butts and the what if an underlying question of what's coming next. So this is the season I found myself in, or this is the experience I should say I've been in experiencing. And the reason I wanna talk about it is because we, you know, we find ourselves yay, in the midst of a good season. That is a wonderful thing. We want to accept and experience those, but I think that this underlying whisper. It can have us not experience the fullness of a good season. And over here at the Special Needs Mom Podcast, we are about the fullness of who we are. The wholeness maybe is a better word, of who we are. And so for that, I'm committed to feeling all the good. And unfortunately that also comes with feeling all the bad, or I should say maybe more helpfully, the hard feeling. All the good and all the hard. And so I wanna approach this as we continue to dive into kind of just the thoughts that I have around what he has said. And maybe even, I don't know if it's as simple, some howtos, but really kind of breaking down this thought and my thoughts about it and how to. Apply it to our lives. I wanna make sure that we approach it, with a couple things in mind. The first one is to acknowledge the role of trauma and how we process. Emotionally like and react to situations and circumstances, particularly when we've experienced trauma. And, I'd say it's pretty safe to say that, as a special needs parent, we all have, well actually as a human, we all have experiences of trauma. and that's okay. it's just important to acknowledge that it's in the room and in some cases. we'll need to really tend to those parts of trauma and, and there's a lot of different ways, to support ourselves with that. But even if it's not to that level, I think it's important to acknowledge that trauma is here with us in this room. It's not a problem, but it's important to acknowledge. And again, we're not gonna be addressing the role of trauma head on today. There's other episodes I have about that, but I wanted to mention it because it's, I think, definitely part of this little picture here. And secondly, what I'm committed to doing and committing to be kind of a. There was a term in coaching that I don't know if it makes sense to everybody, but it's like I'm committed to being a stand for us, approaching ourselves with kindness and compassion. And I'll translate that to non coachy speak. I'm putting my foot down and saying, with love. but like with a little, bit of, stubbornness is not the right word. A little bit of, I don't know. I feel like it's a little mom vibe, persistence of like, this is how we're doing it. and that is my commitment to, one for myself, approach myself with kindness and compassion, but also, I guess be an example, but also, somebody who orients this community to that as well. So we're gonna let go of the shoulds. We're gonna acknowledge the shoulds and say, Ugh, yeah, that's not very kind or compassionate. and be willing to let go of it and we're gonna acknowledge the worry and all of those things, and we're going to, let it be there, but rather than critically judge ourselves that we're going to accept and love ourselves. Okay. Now, let's go back and look at the thought from James again. The first part of the sentence, the ultimate form of preparation is not planning for a specific scenario. And let's stop right there to say, as humans, we want predictability, familiarity, and uncertainty. So that's like specific scenario planning 1 0 1. Our nervous system is like, yeah, baby, give me all of it all the time. That would be great. yeah. And when we have these things, we feel safe. So it's very understandable that we want all these things and I have no issue with that. I want'em all too. I'm still a little like wondering about people that can watch all those scary movies. I'm like, my real life already feels so scary. I don't really want to be scared anymore than I already am. Okay. That's a side note. Alright, so you might be at a place where you are quite literally. Scenario planning that maybe you're newer in the diagnosis or maybe just that's your composition as how you are approaching it. that you are really focused on the what ifs and the how's and the who's and you're exhausted. and I say this just really important to mention it as well because if I'm calling you out here. I am not saying you're doing it wrong. I'm not saying that you should be doing it differently. I'm just shining a light and saying this is how you are approaching it. So that's scenario planning. Particularly because my guess is you're exhausted and you would like another way to approach it. So alternatively, either you've exhausted that strategy or you have a different, maybe approach, you might have resigned to realizing that that strategy is not going to be sustainable for you. And so, you're not necessarily scenario planning, but. You kind of still wish you would, you could be. and you might've realized that like, even though you did all the things, things still happen and you couldn't have prepared for what happened. The thing happened anyway. You couldn't stop it. So this brings us to the second part of the quote, and that is, but a mindset that can handle uncertainty. Let that sink in a mindset that can handle uncertainty. To me, this means it's like a, knowing the mindset. There's so many beliefs you have about yourself, about the world that informs you on who you are and how things go when you don't know. It's the knowing that you will be okay even when you are not okay. And it's the belief. It's the confidence that you can handle what's going to come your way. Not because you will not be moved by it, not because it will not rock your world, but because you have this deep knowing, you have this footing, this grounding, this access to peace that's outside of what happens or doesn't happen. And this is what I'm practicing in my own life. So obviously, you know, I shared from my own personal story in terms of the time, that's the, you know, quote unquote good season, that this is a time where I'm able to kind of reflect on, on these things, which, you know, if maybe you're in a season more of crisis. This may not resonate as much with you, and that's totally okay. I am really more speaking to people who are kind of in between the hard seasons. Maybe you're not ready to call it a good season, but maybe you're not experiencing any acute crisis or challenge. Okay, so let's look at this question. How does one practice knowing they'll be okay even when they are not okay? And when I say that last part, when you're not okay, what that means is when you're in the impact of what happens, you know, I run some scenarios in my life of things that could happen quite easily and they're devastating and I won't be okay. But recognizing this compound part of it that I will be okay even when I'm not. Okay. It's the two together that actually give me that. Exhale, like, okay, that knowing, there's a couple things I wanna highlight in how to practice and I wanna emphasize practice. meaning that, this is something we'll probably not be really good at when we first start. that's normal and expected. So acceptance is something that comes to my mind. Acceptance is that stuff's gonna happen and has happened. It's accepting that some things are profoundly hard or good. Maybe another way of looking at it is it's the opposite of resisting reality, which is so common when we are early in the stages of different. Things that we come across as humans, we'll find ourselves trying to do all the things. Very, very busy, very, very feeling desperate for things to change, to get the answers to perhaps, shift to diagnosis. And I'm not suggesting in any way that we wouldn't wanna use our energy to do some of those things. I am talking about how we be with ourselves knowing that that is what is right now, we don't know what's in the future, but what we do know is what has happened and what is right now. And so that's really the acceptance part of it. Okay. So that acceptance piece is that foundational piece, and once we accept, then we can. Be in the impact of, of what is and allow the feelings to flow. Knowing that we'll be okay is hugely knowing that we can process any emotion and still be okay. And I know that might sound very simple, but I know that our lived experience is very different. That you might feel like you're gonna get stuck and sad or angry or, afraid forever if you actually face it and allow it to fully exist inside of your body. I mean, I know I, I've experienced that personally, that it feels so deep and so vast that it's so confronting to really, really. Allow the fullness of our feelings. And then, you know, just the, there's certain feelings that we as humans have resistance to, guilt, shame, embarrassment, fear, sadness, you know, that flavor. And I am careful not to call them bad feelings. I think more accurately we can call it unpleasant feelings.'cause I don't personally love feeling any of those things. So. We as human have resistance to these feelings very commonly. So if you do welcome, you're very normal and nothing has gone wrong, nothing is broken. Like I really think this, this part's really important too.'cause I think, in the coaching space in particular. It's very easy to like learn something and then to see how you're doing it or thinking it or existing and be like, Doug, gun it, I'm doing it wrong. Or I am on the side of, you know, that we don't wanna be on. So it's really important to not make ourselves wrong for being how we are. This kind of goes back to the acceptance piece. We are how we are and that is how we are. that's. The absence of judgment. It's not even saying it's okay or not okay. It's just how we are, and it's just that foundational piece. Because when we accept that part of us and we love that part of us even more, so that's like, like level one. B, if accepting is this one, A level one B is in loving ourselves. However, we are from that place, that's where we. Get to experience feeling whole, being an embodied human, there's not like a destination point that we're going to. So I think that that's this construct that, especially in the self-help places, that it's like there's a destination out there that we have to get to and all of us fall short. So we have to keep doing things and spending money and, and doing all the things. So. It's kind of just a, side note, but another side note actually, and I think this one's really important, is that, I don't believe I am beyond convinced that we're not meant to do this alone, particularly this, all this feeling stuff I'm talking about, right? Where it's like, It is, very vulnerable, to experience these feelings. It's very vulnerable to have somebody witness you feeling however you're feeling, but I often find that it's only when we are with somebody being witnessed, maybe even being guided and having a safe place for us to do this work that we can enter these spaces. I've just seen it over and over and over again in different spaces that I've been in, in, in my, you know, what I, what I do to support myself, but, and also in places I've been with other women, kind of a, as a facilitator and coach. So if you are like, yeah, about those feelings, Kara, I do struggle with that. Consider, you're not meant to do this alone. Yeah, just contemplate it. Like how can you be in relationship or community in a way that creates a safe container for you to meet yourself where you're at. Okay. Last note on kind of the how, and I would say. this will look different for many of you. I'm gonna share from my perspective as a Christian, but I think it's just so foundational to the experience in terms of kind of answering the question, how to be okay when you're not okay. It's, it's kind of so foundational for me. I think it would be missing to not mention it. And I think for me, it's, recognizing for me. That it's so much bigger that life is so much bigger than what I see and what I feel, even like, what I, understand here with life on earth and that my son's life is, is so much more valued by God than even by me, and that to me brings so much peace. And so for me, when I grapple with all the things that I'm afraid could happen in my life again, how to be okay when you know you won't be okay. It falls back to knowing who God is, trusting who God is, and kind of resting in that love and the goodness. That is God. And so that's the place I can surrender from. That's a place that I can say I will be okay even when I'm not okay. So I think for you, wherever you are in your faith journey, maybe consider if that's an avenue for you to experience more peace or maybe even more profound peace. Okay. We're gonna wrap up right there, and hopefully you've heard it either earlier in this episode in like a little outro kind of thing, or an intro kind of thing, or at some point as like a commercial, I dunno. but I do wanna make sure that you know that I am opening the doors to the Pathway to Peace Coaching community at the end of February, and so I only open it a couple times a year. And so if you're like, man, yeah, I, I do kind of like getting this idea or I'm, I'm warming to the idea of being in community. this community is designed to be a safe, supportive container where special needs moms just like us come together and we build those inner skills that are gonna sustain us, especially. When life doesn't get any easier, and I mean, it's the exact skills that, you know, we've been talking about in this episode. So if you want more information, you can head to the show notes and I have a full page, on my website that it'll link to. It has all the details. And then if you have questions, I'm easy to contact. And also, I think if you Google the Special Needs Mom podcast and Path of Peace, it'll pull right up. You'll see my website. And I would just encourage you to consider it. No commitment. Even if you do commit to it. It's a month to month commitment. So it's designed to be easy to step into even when you have a crazy busy life, when you're little maybe protective about the communities that you wanna join. it's designed to be something where you can come taste and see. See if it's the right fit. my ladies will open their beautiful arms for you and create space for you, and so I do hope you will consider coming over. Okay, well, with that, we're gonna wrap there. We'll see you on the next episode.