Us vs Them

Who is your "us"? We're all part of groups that make us feel special and proud, but most of us also have experiences of being excluded from the group. Today we talk about in-groups and out-groups, why they matter, and how we can start to build a more inclusive society.    www.levelthepursuit.com

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In the race to success, we're not all starting from the same place. Level the Pursuit seeks to fill in the gaps and provide accessible bite sized leadership lessons for anyone looking to improve their skills and prepare for the next step, whatever that might be. Welcome back, my friends, I hope that you're having a fantastic week. I personally have a rule that I can't be in a bad mood on a sunny day. So it is gorgeous here in Montgomery, and I'm having a great day. I hope you are too. So last week, we talked to Dr. Stephanie Wilson, who is amazing. Hopefully you enjoyed that interview. And I would love to have her back. So if there's something you'd like to hear us talk about, please drop me a note at info at levelthepursuit.com and tell me what you'd like to hear about. So some of you know that I've been doing some executive coaching, I'm doing classes for that. And it's really exciting. And one of the things we've been talking about was group dynamic. And I've been thinking a lot about that recently. So today, I want to talk about us versus them the in group and out group. What does it mean? Why does it matter? And what can we do to be better citizens of the world that we live in? So what do we mean by in group, you've probably heard this before. Well, what is a group? A group is any conglomeration of people that you feel part of that is important to you in that moment, that you have something in common with. And you feel as though there's an "us" to this, it can be a formal group, an informal group, it can be who you are, it can be the place that you're sitting on the bus, it there's no rhyme or reason to when we decide to identify with a group. And there are a lot of different circumstances that can make us part of the group that we're in. But part of what makes an in group is that we have a sense of ownership to this group, we feel as though there are some positive attributes that we have in common with these people. And in conjunction with that, that means there's an out group, there's a them. We can't really have an us without them. And so as we look at how we form these groups, we start to create polarity, we start to create two sides of a coin, which is not necessarily bad. But in order for us to contrast this, we have often will ascribe positive and negative attributes to either of the groups. Now, what this can lead to is something called in group bias, where we think the group that we're in is good, and the other groups are bad. And a lot of times, this is based in certain circumstances, certain characteristics, but it can be globally, it can be very simple. It can be our gender, our nationality, the state that we live in the teams that we like, what color our hair is, what color eyes are, or who's wearing a blue shirt today, there's so many ways that we can create this group. But as soon as you create it, some people will identify with it and identify with it really, really strongly. And then along with that, they'll begin to attribute negative characteristics to all of the others. Now one of the powerful things about being in group is power. So you don't have to necessarily be the majority, if you have more of the power, whichever group has control over a situation, by rights generally becomes the in group. And that makes everyone else the out group. Everyone else is other. Now one of the dangers of this, along with kind of the power balance and how we behave, is the idea that our group is allowed to have distinguishing features, we're allowed to be different, where the out group is all the same. They're homogeneous, they don't have any distinguishing characteristics or anything that makes them unique. Now, these, again, can be really big things like our race, or gender or nationality, the language that we speak, but they can be really small things. If you're going to have a soft drink, what do you call it? Do you call it soda? Or pop? Or in Texas, We say do you want to coke? What kind? Now that seems really silly, but people get really upset. People really identify with their choices. They'll make fun of people that make different choices. Now, that's usually harmless, but it's not always. So we have to think about that. Now. If you go to the grocery store, and you stand in the line, Do you consider yourself in a group with the other people in the line? Probably not. Are you a team? More than likely not. But what if someone comes in and cuts the line. Suddenly, you've all brought been brought together by the fact that you follow the rules. And now you're the in group in that person's out group, it's amazing how quickly that can start. So where does all this come from? It starts with neural patterns in our brains. And it starts in infancy. As young young children, we recognize features in the faces around us, the skin color, the voices, the accents, the languages, and those create patterns of recognition that make us feel safe, they make us feel part of something, that's a really good thing as you're trying to build community. But those eventually become reflexes. And so as we get older, if we're not exposed to a lot of different things, those reflexes can become actions. Now many of us are exposed to lots of different people, lots of different accents, and skin colors and voices and genders. And so over time, we learn to immediately snap to our cognitive resources, and have a rational thought or rational opinion. But many of us still will have reflexes on something based on our experiences of the child, there's nothing wrong with that unless we choose not to do something right with it, you have to actually go past that reflex, and recognize that it's natural, it's okay. But we have to explore those biases to make sure that we're doing the right thing, and we're making rational decisions. Now, as we grow, if we don't choose to do that, some of these biases can become behaviors and some of those behaviors, when they are steeped in a sense of superiority of our own group can become discrimination and become powerplays around people that are not in our group, or that we perceive as not in our group. Now, this comes from a good place though, evolutionarily speaking, it helped us create a society. That's how positive relationships got started among strangers, there was something called reciprocal altruism. Basically, this is temporarily reducing my capabilities in order to support you, knowing that sometime in the future, you're going to do the same for me, enabled us to pool our resources to pool our talents in order to make sure that everyone was supported when they needed it. And we didn't all have to fend for ourselves all the time. This is a positive thing for the growth of society. And it's a shortcut to banding together. You know, if a saber toothed tiger shows up, we're not going to worry about a lot of things, we're going to band together and become a team to fight that enemy. But now, most of us are not in danger of being eaten by a tiger. So some of these ways that we banded together, have actually created enemies where maybe there aren't any. So as we think about the in group and out group, we have to think about our own role, and what exactly we're protecting ourselves from. Now, what difference does it make. When we think about the in group, we have something called in group favoritism, basically, we attribute all good intentions to the people in our group, we think they're all individuals with talents and skills. And if there's anything good about our group, then we think we all share it. But if there's anything bad about our group, then that's just a one off, that's that person. That's not me, I'm not like that. But on the flip side of that, we think of the out group as being all of the negatives, if there's a negative characteristic, then they must all have it, it's not a one off that one person has. But if there's something positive a policy they've made, an opinion that they have that's really, really good that we agree with, well, clearly, that's spurious. That's just one person. That's not how that actual group behave. So clearly, I can't be part of that group. This can actually be really problematic as we grow, because as I talked about, the in group often has the power in guide society, and creates our societal norms. societal norms are the way that we think that things should be done and said and thought about. But the thing is, we all do things very differently. So as we create these norms. The next step is saying that anyone who does things differently, thinks about things differently, speaks differently, looks a different way is wrong, or deviant, not normal. And that's not a good thing. Because our society, as we know is so amazingly diverse. Our country alone, I mean, the world is obviously so much going on. But our country alone, we have so many different cultures and perspectives and voices and languages even. And to say that any one of them is right and the rest are wrong is I mean, is ludicrous. I can't even-- there's not even words for how much that doesn't make sense. So why would we propagate that when we talk about our norms, and again, because the group with the power gets to decide what the norms are, in most cases, they may not be the majority. So more and more people are being placed into that "other" category, that out group category, the then category. So the next step to this is polarization. So anytime we have a group, the group will always go further toward the dramatic toward the polar than any of the individuals. So most of us walking around are fairly moderate in our views to some extent, many of us have extremely polarizing of you, or a couple of views. But most of us don't live in that far end of the spectrum all the time. Obviously, some people do good on you, that's amazing. But most of us kind of function in the gray area most of the time. But when you put us all together, a group will tend to take on the most polarizing views, the most dramatic views the most, the farthest away from the norm, or from excuse me from the middle. What that does is not only change the group dynamics, because it can push you obviously we see this in politics that can push you so far, one direction or the other. But it also bolsters the argument of the other side will look out. They're totally irrational look at the views that they have. They're so far out there, how can anyone think that way. And I think a lot of us as we've watched politics over the last couple of years have felt that way, even have your own political party, like who's making these decisions, because all of us are going to have to live with this. And this is really far out there. Now, that's not always bad. Sometimes an enormous change is needed. Sometimes a dramatic shift from the middle is needed in order to make the right changes. But when you talk about group dynamics, it makes it very, very hard to find common ground when everyone is looking from such a far end of the spectrum. Now, looking at things from this way, the in group and out group and thinking of things, in a certain way, has a lot of implications, how we look at ourselves, and which in groups, we think of whether it for me, as a woman, as a biracial person, as a Texan as a Cowboys fan. As someone who plays sports, as someone who's tall as someone with big hair, like all those things are different. And on any given day, I may find myself identifying with some of them more than others. Now we talk about this some with respect to intersectionality. And that's people who are dealing with being part of multiple underrepresented groups in general. But that's a hard balance. Because you have to decide which ones you identify within a given time. And that can be a challenge for people. But it can also change how we look at ourselves, which in groups you choose to emphasize in your own life can make a difference in how you see yourself and how you interact with the world. Robert Sapolsky, who wrote the book Behave, talks about an experiment where he had Asian women who were subjected to a stereotype that Asians are good at math, but women are not. Then this group, half of them were primed to think of themselves as Asian primarily. And the other half were conditioned to think of themselves as women primarily. And then they took a math test. And the ones that were primed to think of themselves as Asian did better on the test than the ones who thought of themselves as women, for their first go-to. Now, what does that say about us? How we look at ourselves is colored by the in group out group mentality, it's colored by the stereotypes that are present that we internalize whether we realize it or not. Now, obviously, all of these women are capable of doing math, and all of them had opinions on their Asian heritage. But just pushing them in a direction to make them think of a stereotype in a positive or negative way, affected their performance. So think about how you think of your own groups and the things you identify with each day. How does that affect you, when you go into a situation, especially one where you think whichever group is primary for you, is viewed as a "them." You know, being part of the group can be really fun. It can be fun to think of yourself as cool, it can be fun to be a winner. Being part of the out group is usually not. It's usually not fun to be on the outside. It's not fun to be different. Sometimes it is. And there are some people that absolutely flourish in that role. But for many of us, especially if you think back to seventh grade, and being one of the cool kids or not, it can be really difficult. And there's been some very elegant studies over the years that prove this. If you think about Jane Elliott, a class divided experiment were in 1968, the day after Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. She divided her class into blue eyed children and brown eyed children. And one day the blue eyed children were the good kids and they got To do whatever they wanted. And the other day, the brown eyed children, same thing. And what she found was that the children that were in the in the group behaved superior, they look down on the other children. And the flip side also happened, no one enjoyed being on the bottom half of it. But very few of them were able to rise above that, and not see themselves as superior when they were in the in group. And then you look at the classic Prison Experiment, where college students were placed as guards and prisoners, and they absolutely, in a very short amount of time, lives into those roles, such that the experiment had to be terminated to prevent physical and psychological damage to the students, because people identified so strongly with those roles, the "us against them" was so powerful. So what can we do about it? Well, the first thing is to recognize the groups that you're in, that you identify with. And there might be some that you don't even think about, that are so natural and intuitive that you don't you don't even put words to them on a daily basis, but others you're probably proud of, and others still that proud or not, you have to deal with every single day, your gender, your color, your sports team, your weight, your accent, how do they overlap, because they often do in good and bad ways. You know, again, we talked about intersectionality. And those principles apply here. When you're part of multiple groups, sometimes that's positive, they build on one another, you feel extra part of the group. Sometimes, they add to make you feel more marginalized, more separate, more different than the people around you, you look different, you sound different. You think about things in a different way. And sometimes that is really, really hard. But sometimes they're in conflict. And that's a really difficult place to be, if one of the groups that you strongly identify with is in the in group and the other the out group, which one do you choose? If you choose to be part of the group, are you turning your back on all those things that made you unique? If you choose to be part of the out group, are you choosing not to try to find common ground? Those are really difficult decisions that some of our friends and family and people that we care about have to make every single day, every time they walk into a boardroom, every time they walk into a restaurant, they have to decide who they're going to be. So as we look at our groups, we have to think about how can we make more us and fewer them? Think about what these groups represent for most of us. They arise in many ways for safety. Could be psychological safety, physical safety, emotional safety. So think about for each of your groups, who is a threat? Who is a threat to your safety, in that identity, that aspect of your identity? Why are they a threat? So many times we see things as being separate or incompatible. But a lot of times it's not the why. Our "why"s are very, very similar. Many of us want safety security opportunity, the chance to feel like we make a contribution. It's the how that gets us the mechanisms for how we create safety, provide opportunity. That's what gets us but that's logistics. That's not philosophical, that's execution. So we can work our way through that if our if our Why is the same. So we need to find that. Because if you look at those days, all of the days that you see as a threat to you, why are they a threat? And is there anything you have in common with they? Are they truly that different? Sometimes they are, I will grant you that there are some people with whom we will always be philosophically incompatible, I got you. But that is a really small number. When we talk about us, and then the US is much larger than we think if we actually give it a chance and try to find ways to come together. So if there's a group that you have particular enmity toward, take some time to think about that. Think about things that you have in common think about if even if they are so polarized, you can't even begin to make a list of what their policies are. Are they truly group policies? Are these one offs that are being attributed to the entire group again? I'm not talking about, you know, getting excited about some Neo fascist group. I'm not saying find a way to come together on that. That's up to you. I mean, good on you if you're going to find some common ground there, right? But find something that's reasonable. And then, if you know anyone from that group, have a conversation, just open minded, ask questions. Can you tell me a little bit about what you believe? I know you have said you feel this way about this policy, can you tell me your thoughts, because you know what, a lot of times, we are not as different as you think. If you don't know anybody, Google it, check it out, find some reliable sources. Because you know that so much media is completely bias. So find a few different sources and learn about them. Then for yourself, we have to engage in positive behaviors. Recognize that all of the things that you're proud of, are awesome. And you're enough, just as you are. So the definition of in group and out group is really arbitrary. And that doesn't make it hurt any less. Honestly, I recognize that. But it's a social construct. It's something that is outside of us. And it doesn't have to be something that we take inside ourselves. find things that you're proud about in all of your groups, and celebrate that. If you have internal validation, you do not need as much external validation, all of us generally need some type of external validation. At some point, even if it's acceptance at work, or the ability to go get ahead. That's true. We also worry about our kids, we want them to be physically and psychologically safe at school and be able to learn in a protected environment. But recognize that a lot of that stuff comes from within. And then look at all those people around you. And attribute positive intentions. Recognize that most people, even the ones you totally disagree with, want safety, security, opportunities for themselves and their children, the ability to contribute to the world, it's pretty universal. There's obviously pluses and minuses, not everybody's like that I got you. But it's pretty universal. Now, this isn't saying that you shouldn't identify with these things. As I say about reaching out, taking down barriers, trying to create more or less and less than be proud of all of those things, you should be able to celebrate all of the things that make you unique and special in all of the groups that you're part of that pride is a positive thing. But we can't let those things create divisions, or enhanced divisions where they already exist. And the way that they do that is by turning from pride into feelings of superiority, which then can blossom into acts of aggression. And that is negative, whether you are the in group or the out group using your and honestly that's relative, you make me think you're the out group. And you may think, nope, we're the we're the bomb here, we know what's up. So either way, using it as an opportunity to make other people feel inferior, to create policies that hold them down, to create mechanisms to make them feel excluded, to create anything that keeps people from opportunities, because of whatever thing identifies them. Those are acts of aggression, and they're wrong. And that's not what we should be looking for. We should be finding ways to remove divisions instead of create them. I mean, this is the world we live in. We are interconnected. Globalization, even if you want to roll it back as a political policy, it's happening socially it is happening. And so we are not going to be able to continue to succeed as a society, or even individually, if we are not open to building bridges and finding ways to connect with people around us, especially people that are different, because the fact is, people are getting more different in a lot of ways and in many ways that we're saying exactly the same. But we're getting more different on the outside. And we have to be able to appreciate all of those things. Because they give us such rich perspective. And they make things so interesting. And you're missing out if you're closing your mind to some of that stuff. So this week, make a list of all of the ways you're an us. We're all the places that you feel us. It can be big things like women, people of color, healthcare professionals, Texans, it can be little things like basketball players in their 40s and Cowboys, fans and people with big hair. All of these groups I'm very proud of. But for each of those groups, who is the bay Who are the people that make you feel threatened, that make you feel other or that your group might make feel other? Can you think of a couple of things about that group that makes sense to you that you admire? Or at least you can understand where they're coming from? If you're feeling super frogging, can you reach out to someone from this group and try to connect, just find some common ground. You know, building these bridges takes practice. So even if you don't do a great job of it, that's okay. You can try again another time. But we don't get better at it if we don't keep trying. And honestly, we have to be willing to make mistakes now and then. Now, this isn't going to fix our blind spots and our biases. But coming closer to a shared understanding will help us all get to a better place. So that's been our discussion of group dynamics and expanding the in group on Level the Pursuit. Thanks for joining and I look forward to your comments. If you have ideas, comments, or people you'd like me to talk to you in the future, please send me an email at info at levelthepursuit.com. If you liked the discussion, and please give it a LIKE, SUBSCRIBE or share with a friend if you didn't comment on what I could do better. Next week, we'll hear from Dr. Andy Clayton on how artificial intelligence and virtual reality are revolutionising how we approach developing leaders. Don't forget to think of ways that you can turn a few of your them's into an office and head over to www dot level, the pursuit.com to share your insights and your successes. I can't wait to learn from your thoughts. Thanks again for joining level the pursuit. Well, we can't choose where we start. We can choose our dreams and how we pursue them. Remember, success is a team sport and there's room for all of us to achieve our goals. So be a good leader. Be a good follower and do something great