Chantal Cox: Creating a life she loves after stress, alopecia, and an abusive marriage

This week on the Finding Fertile Ground podcast, I interview Chantal Cox, a special educator, author, speaker, and Transformation NeuroCoach™. 

Chantal lives in Wichita, Kansas, now but she grew up all over the world. Her birth dad is Mexican, but her mom remarried when she was three years old. Her adopted dad was in the army, so the family moved every two years. They lived in several states as well as Panama, Luxembourg, and The Netherlands. 

Chantal was born a shy, timid introvert. Being the new kid every two years was traumatizing but forced her to get some coping skills.

Being the only brown-skinned person in her family created some difficult conversations each time the family moved. 

“Here's the Cox family. Who are you just standing with this family? When we lived in Panama, people assumed I was Panamanian, but when we lived in Washington, DC, we lived in a high Pakistani, population so people assumed I was Pakistani. And in Wyoming people assumed I was Native American.  That caused some different things in my head, some different stories to be created that I latched on to and became part of my identity… that I don't fit in anywhere.”

Chantal struggled with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. 

 “I was very pessimistic, very much the glass is half empty. What's going to go wrong next? Life was not happy. If there was something good that happened, I tried really hard to find the bad in it. I just lived in this space and then the low self-esteem and self-worth led me to be in not great relationships because you attract what you put out.”

Soon after she began working as a special ed teacher, her high stress levels led to her developing an autoimmune disease called alopecia areata, where her immune system was attacking her hair follicles, causing bald spots. Not long after that, she found herself in an abusive marriage.

“I attracted people who treated me the way that I felt I deserve to be treated. And so that led me to being married to a man who was not very nice. It started with some control and then emotional, manipulative abuse, and eventually went into physical abuse towards the end.” 

She left on her 30th birthday and moved back to Wichita, where her support system of family and friends supported and loved on her. 

“My dad stepped in and took over all communication. I've never seen or spoken to my ex-husband again. And that is a huge blessing. My sister let me stay with her until I got up on my feet.”

Chantal now helps women experiencing life transitions create a new vision for themselves, reconnect with their passion and purpose, and turn their transition into their triumphant transformation. Check out her book, Create a Life You Love: 10 Healthy Habits to Transform Your Life Now, and her podcast. 

Next week on the Companies That Care podcast, I interview Kim Malek, cofounder of Portland’s famous Salt & Straw ice cream, which now has 25 locations and growing!

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I help professional services firms avoid BORING and boost employee engagement, productivity, and readership. I translate technical, complex, and lackluster language into accessible, dynamic, story-driven text. Get known in your industry through outstanding thought leadership content. Walk your talk through outstanding, effective communications with your employees and clients.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Hello listeners. Welcome to the Finding Fertile Ground podcast, where I discover stories of grit and resilience and people finding their fertile ground.

[00:00:08] I'm Marie Gettel-Gilmartin. And this podcast is brought to you by Fertile Ground Communications. I help professional services firms avoid boring and boost employee engagement, productivity, and redirect. I translate technical complex and lackluster language into accessible dynamic story-driven text.

[00:00:28] Get known your industry throughout standing thought leadership content, walk your talk throughout outstanding, effective communications with your employees and clients. I alternate this Finding Fertile Ground podcast with my other podcast Companies That Care, which is about business leaders, making a difference in the world.

[00:00:45] On both of my podcasts, I strive to highlight historically excluded voices. The people who don't always get a platform, check out my website for more details. This week I interview Chantal Cox, a special educator author, speaker, and transformation [00:01:00] neuro coach. Chantal used to struggle with depression, anxiety, and extremely low self-esteem high stress levels.

[00:01:07] As an early special education teacher with no healthy outletsled to her developing an autoimmune disease called alopecia. Arriata where her immune system was attacking her hair follicles causing bald spots. Not long after that, she found herself in an abusive marriage. Let's learn how Chantal escaped her abusive marriage and rebuilt her life.

[00:01:27]

[00:01:36] Marie: Hello, Chantal. Welcome to the Finding Fertile Ground podcast. 

[00:01:40] Chantal: Hello. Thank you so much for having me. Yes. It's great to meet you. 

[00:01:44] Marie: And I mentioned before we started recording that you are my first guest from Kansas. 

[00:01:50] Chantal: How fun. The land of Oz.

[00:01:53] Marie: That's right. Of course. That's what we always think of. I've driven through Kansas. 

[00:01:57] Chantal: I didn't grow up here. I have been here for like 15 [00:02:00] years though. So it is the longest place I've ever lived and it is home, but I live in Wichita, which is the biggest city in the state.

[00:02:07] And so. It's like a miniature Denver or something. 

[00:02:11] Marie: Well, let's start at the very beginning. Can you share with our listeners about your childhood, where you grew up in, what was your childhood and family experience like? 

[00:02:19] Chantal: Yeah, absolutely. So, at the age of three, my mother, remarried.

My dad raised me. And adopted me the same day. So I'm partially adopted and grew up in this amazing supportive family. My dad was in the army. He's retired now. And so most of my life, every two years we moved. And I had the opportunity to live in several states as well as three countries outside of the states.

We lived in Panama, Luxembourg, and I actually graduated high school in the Netherlands. So I was really born this shy, timid introvert. [00:03:00] And so then being the new kid every two years was a little traumatizing, but also forced me to get some coping skills, and learn how to introduce myself to new people. We went to schools with lots of other military kids. So they were used to it and nice, but one place we moved and there were not very many military people. And I introduced myself to the girl sitting next to me in biology class. I'm like, hi, I'm Chantal. I just moved here from Luxembourg. And she's like, and I care because...

[00:03:29] Chantal: You are not a very nice person. And we are not friends . So not always a fun thing, but very, very loved and supported . And when I was 19, I got to meet my birth father. I am part Mexican and I look very much like my birth father and my mom and dad are very much white as is my sister.

So that also created some fun conversations moving every two years of. Oh, here's the Cox family. Oh, who are you like just standing [00:04:00] with this family? When we lived in Panama, people assumed I was Panamanian, but when we lived in Washington, DC, we lived in a high, Pakistani, population.

So people assumed I was Pakistani. And in Wyoming people assumed I was native American, like, so nobody ever knew, and that caused some different things in my head, some different stories to be created that I latched on to and became part of my identity that I don't fit anywhere and things like that.

[00:04:30] Marie: I bet. So you have a global ethnic sort of look that can fit it anywhere maybe or nowhere, right? 

[00:04:38] Chantal: Yeah. Depending on how you look at it. 

[00:04:40] Marie: Well, that's really fascinating that you grew up all over the world. My husband, his dad was a diplomat and he actually lived in Panama as well.

[00:04:46] He was born in Panama . It's very different life than I had because my parents were in education and we didn't have a lot of money. And so, I didn't get on an airplane until I was 20, so very different than my husband's upbringing. [00:05:00] So, yes. Yeah. So tell us your grit and resilience story.

[00:05:05] Chantal: So part of it is those things I just shared about my childhood. I internalized them in a non-healthy way. I always kind of struggled with anxiety, depression, and low self esteem. Was very pessimistic was very much the glass is half empty. What's gonna go wrong next. Everything's out to get me woe is me type of mentality. I would wake up and life was hard. Life was not happy. If there was something good that happened, I try really hard to find the bad in it. I just lived in this space and then the low, low self-esteem, and self-worth led me to be in not great relationships because you attract what you put out.

[00:05:49] And I attracted people who treated me the way that I felt I deserve to be treated. And so that led me to being married to a man who was not very [00:06:00] nice. And it started with some control and then some emotional manipulative type abuse, and eventually went into physical towards the end. And so I left on my 30th birthday and moved back to Wichita, Kansas, and my support system, my friends or family were so integral and just loved on me, supported me. My dad stepped in and took over all communication. So after I left, I've never seen or spoke to my ex husband again. And that is a huge blessing. My sister, let me stay with her until I got up on my feet and I'm an educator, so it was over summer break.

[00:06:43] And so I had a job within 24 hours because of amazing administrators that I had worked with for years were like, yes, you're back here hired. Oh, that's great. So there really was divine intervention there to help me be successful in that [00:07:00] situation. But then I found myself for about six months in a pretty dark place.

[00:07:07] I always wanted to be married and a mom by the time I'm 30, I'm divorced and I'm 30. Like what have I done? And it just, yeah, it was not a pretty time. And I was kind of a mess. Um, the term dumpster fire comes to mind, but about six months later, It was new year's day. And I was just reflecting after kind of a rough emotional night, new year's Eve and just like, okay, I've been given a second chance at life and I'm wasting it right now.

[00:07:41] What am I going to do different? Because if I keep doing the same things that I've always done, I'm going to keep getting the same results I always have gotten, and I don't want to live this way. So I picked up my first ever self-help book. And started reading and then somehow got introduced to podcasts.

[00:07:58] And so I was reading [00:08:00] every book I could get my hands on listening to every podcast I could listen to, stopped listening to music cause everything was either a podcast or audible if I was driving and just really immersed myself in this world that I never experienced and eventually started taking action on the things that I was learning.

[00:08:20] So it was probably like the 10th time somebody mentioned gratitude and I'd roll my eyes and be. Uh, well, it's time for gratitude journal, like seriously, like, did we not understand the life of a special ed teacher? Like whatever, how is that going to help me? But then I was like, okay, enough, people have mentioned this.

[00:08:39] They're smart enough to have all these letters after their name. And they have books say, I didn't, you know, maybe I should pay attention maybe I don't have all the answers. Right. Cause here's where I am and here's where they are. And so I started a gratitude journal and within days the change was noticeable and I was like, [00:09:00] holy crap, what else can I do?

[00:09:02] And so I just really started taking small little actions and created a life that I love. Like I did not set out, like I'm going to create a life I love, but fast forward a few years, And I am this happy, confident, healthy, vibrant, energetic person who wakes up every morning, excited to wake up. Can't wait to tackle my day.

[00:09:23] Can't wait to jump in there and play this game of life. And so my friends and family who watched this are like, what did you do? And how can I do it too? Yeah. Well, yeah, out came the teacher in me and I made little lesson plans and worksheets, and we tried some stuff out and they were making progress. And then that's when it dawned on me that, oh my goodness, this terrible thing that happened to me, all this crap that I've gone through, all the lessons I've learned all the hardships.

[00:09:56] What if it was all for a purpose? What if it [00:10:00] led me to this moment? Because now I can take what I've learned and help other people. 

[00:10:06] Marie: Wow. It's amazing that you did that at such a young age too. I mean, you were quite young, right? 

[00:10:13] Chantal: Yeah. When my book came out, I was in my mid late-ish thirties. I'm only 37, so yeah.

[00:10:21] Marie: That seems quite young to me, to be able to make those decisions and kind of restart your life like that. So you're a special ed teacher. Are you still doing that. 

[00:10:31] Chantal: I have been out of the classroom for, this is my sixth or seventh year. And so now I am so blessed. I have this amazing position where I get to work from home and I get to coach and train special educators across the state of Kansas. Just amazing. Yeah. I started July 1st and I've never been happier. 

[00:10:50] Marie: Really good timing too, because I know that teachers are under a huge amount of stress right now. Can you tell us about some of the anxiety and depression you experienced [00:11:00] related to when you were first working as a special ed teacher?

[00:11:03] Chantal: Oh, yes, it was rough. As I was growing up was a bit of a perfectionist and found my value in external approval and people thinking that look at all these things you can do and look how great you do them. And so if I were to mess up anything that was a tragedy, other people were like, it's no big deal.

[00:11:28] And I would stew on it for days and just be very upset. And the hours I was working, trying to maintain that level of perfectionism were insane. And so I had no self care in place. I didn't really know what self care was. Honestly, I would wake up. I'd work, work work, go in about two hours early.

[00:11:50] Didn't have a lunch. Didn't have a break. Wouldn't drink water because heaven forbid I have to use the bathroom. There's no one to cover my kids and I have multiple grade levels for [00:12:00] multiple classes. So while one class goes to lunch, it's somebody else's math time. So I was constantly teaching. I put nothing in place.

[00:12:09] I did not access any of the resources that were available to me so that I could have a lunch in plan. I just took it on and had to do it all on my own. I also was like 22, 23. And a lot of the parents of the students have these IEP meetings that I'm running are my age or older. And so they're looking at me like, who is this little girl?

[00:12:31] Like, who's gonna help me educate my kid, like whatever. So I felt like I really had to prove myself. Nobody ever said that. That was my perception. My thoughts in my head. Right. So what ended up happening is I woke up one morning and I'm getting ready for work. And just this flash of white.

[00:12:54] Appears as I'm just ruffling through my hair and I have black hair. And so it was pretty odd and I was like,[00:13:00] whoa, what was that thinking? There's like a cotton ball on my head or something. So I get out my little phone and take a picture. And then I look and I have a bald spot about the size of a quarter right on the top of my head.

[00:13:13] And I'm like, what in the world is that? Where did that come from? It was kind of a moment of panic, where again, I'm an educator. I am not a health professional. And the thoughts going through my head were, oh my gosh, I have a brain tumor and it is pushing from the inside out and pushing my brain out on my scalp.

[00:13:32] Right. Oh my gosh. And so I pull myself together. I get to work and one of my paraprofessionals comes in and I figured out this hairstyle where I could kind of pin my hair up and over and pin it. And so it was kind of like a comb-over, but you couldn't see the bald spot. And so she walks in and she's like, Hey, I love your hair.

[00:13:53] And I just burst into tears and she's like, oh my God. I just broke my supervising teacher. What did I do? [00:14:00] What's wrong? And so I take down my hair and I show her and she's at a different angle. Obviously I can't see my own head . And she's like, Ooh, I hate to tell you you've got another one on the side of your head.

[00:14:09] Oh my God. I ended up having to be like early twenties, single. I had three cats at the time too, by the way. And I'm like, I'm bald. No one's ever going to date me. My life is over. I'm very catastrophic. Right. And my thinking. Well, I go to the school nurse and she looks, cause I'm like, maybe it's ringworm. And she's like, oh, it's not ringworm.

[00:14:30] I don't know what it is, but it's not ringworm. So I go to my family physician and she's like, I have no idea. So she sends me to a dermatology. Who takes one, look at it and says terrible. A lot of stress in your life. To which. I just started laughing. I'm like, yeah, I'm working on a master's degree and I don't sleep.

[00:14:48] And you know, dinner is pretzels, two cheese sticks and a bottle of wine. What's wrong with that? Um, work out who has time for that? And so she told me that I had developed what's [00:15:00] called alopecia Ariana, and it is an autoimmune disease brought on by extreme, prolonged levels of stress where my auto immune system was literally attacking the hair follicles.

[00:15:12] So that was a huge wake-up call. cannot keep going down this path. This. I'll sleep when I'm dead, push, like I'm young, I can handle it. I can push through, it's not working for me. And so I had to make some health changes at that point and put some things in place and really start figuring out.

[00:15:34] Okay, there are resources available to me. How do I set boundaries? How do I manage my schedule so that I can go to the bathroom during the day? So I can eat something other than a protein bar as I'm teaching a reading class. I really had to do some reflection and put things in place to protect my health.

[00:15:56] Marie: That does sound very worrying and difficult time of your life. Was [00:16:00] this before you were married. 

[00:16:01] Chantal: This was before I was married. So I, by no means entered into that relationship as this happy healthy person.

[00:16:08] And then everything went wrong. While he was manipulative and basically a con man, I entered with low self-esteem high anxiety, struggling with depression, and just saw him as this amazing. Knight in shining armor. It was too good to be true. And, oh my gosh, this amazing kind loving man.

[00:16:31] Who's charismatic as actually giving me the time of day and wants to take me on a date. Oh my goodness. He wants to marry me and, oh my goodness. I'm moving across state borders to go be with him. It's so wildly romantic, mind you from our first date of hi. Nice to meet you to the judge saying sign here.

[00:16:50] Kay. Congratulations. You're now divorced was about two years long. Very whirlwind. No time to think. No time to process. No time to question. [00:17:00] The red flags . 

[00:17:01] Marie: So you did see some red flags at the beginning 

[00:17:03] Chantal: , yes. I didn't know necessarily that they were red flags, but something didn't feel right in my gut I would tell myself that. You just self sabotage your happiness, or he would tell me that when I would bring up things I was concerned about 

[00:17:16] Marie: did you meet him online? 

[00:17:18] Chantal: I did. Match.com.

[00:17:20] Marie: So he was in another part of the country. 

[00:17:22] Chantal: He was only two and a half, three hours away, but yeah, it was a different state.

[00:17:27] Marie: Do you think there were certain things of your personality that decided to ignore the red flags? 

[00:17:31] Chantal: I think I just had a really intense need to feel worthy and loved and accepted and wanted and cared for and all these things that I was longing for that I was seeking out in external factors.

[00:17:47] Marie: I think a lot of people before they get married. If they have red flags, they think, oh, they're going to be fine. Once we get married . I think that's very common. Right? You think you have some power to change the person or everything will [00:18:00] work out. Better once you're, married . 

[00:18:02] Chantal: absolutely. And he did not show his true colors till I was already moved down there. Our dating experience was not long and he had spent three months in Curacao, six months in the UAE. So even though he lived two and a half hours away, our face-to-face time off of Skype was not. A lot. 

[00:18:21] Marie: How do you feel now? What did you learn during that experience? 

[00:18:24] Chantal: I learned so much I've done a lot of therapy. Now I can talk about this and it's not bringing up emotions. It's not retraumatizing me. So that's very important. If anybody is thinking about sharing their story, you do have to. Share it with scars, not with an open wound, like it's already healed over. See it, it's still there. But it's not actively hurting me. And I get to share my story so that if somebody else is somewhere along this path, they don't feel isolated and alone. Like I did. 

[00:18:58] Marie: Was there a final [00:19:00] straw that just made you decide you couldn't take it anymore. 

[00:19:02] Chantal: Yes. He had a previous marriage under his belt and had a three-year-old son when we started dating. And before he even drove to Wichita, Kansas, for our first date, I had told him it's really important to me that I be a mom. So if you don't want more kids, that's a deal breaker. Don't even drive here. Don't even meet me, have a nice life. And he went on and on about how he's always wanted a big family. It just didn't work out with his first wife and gave me all these lies of why it didn't work out. I'd love for my son to have a sibling and that's definitely not a deal breaker. I love being a dad, blah, blah, blah. About two weeks before my 30th birthday. We had moved into a new house, we had picked a room that was going to be the nursery. We had been getting healthy, cause I was turning 30.

[00:19:50] So that's apparently late to me having your first kid. So a few weeks before the birthday, he said, I feel really bad, but my kid's about to [00:20:00] start kindergarten and I just don't want to do diapers again.

[00:20:02] And I know that's a deal breaker, so I understand that you have to leave. 

[00:20:07] I'm like, which part of that do I process first? The part where like Willy nilly. Like I understand you have to leave cause my other non-negotiable when, before I met him, I said, you already have a divorce under your belt.

[00:20:20] I'm never getting divorced. If you ever think divorce is an option, a way out, don't drive here, because once you marry me, like you're stuck with me. Like if we get that far. Oh no, no, no, I that's what I was my intention when my first she's just crazy and she's this and she's that all lies by the way.

[00:20:37] She's fabulous. 

[00:20:37] So. I had to process that. And then I did come to him and said, okay, well, here's the deal I had to deal breakers. And yes, you've kind of renegotiated one about the kids, but I'm not going to renegotiate about the divorce. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to go to therapy.

[00:20:55] I was already going to some on my own because when he would get angry and. [00:21:00] Not treat me well he would say this was your fault. This was how you responded to the situation. You need to go fix yourself in therapy so that I don't react in that way. Gaslighting again, . So I was already in therapy, so I'm like, I'm going to continue with my one-on-one therapy and work on how not to hate you for the rest of my life.

[00:21:18] Then we're going to start couples therapy too. When I was trying to get. To go to therapy, decided he was smarter than any therapist out there.

[00:21:27] So he was going to go get his master's in psychology and become a therapist. So yeah, there's that red flag textbook narcissism that I had no idea was a thing. That's a huge thing is I'd never heard of. Of the term, the personality disorder of narcissism, I'd heard, don't be such a narcissist.

[00:21:47] Like don't be so centered. The world doesn't revolve around you. I had no idea what it was, what it meant, what to look for. And I'd also never heard of gaslighting as all this is happening to me, [00:22:00] nobody in my life or social media or TV shows or movies at that time was talking about this stuff. So I didn't know what to look for.

[00:22:10] I didn't know how to respond. Just thought this is all me. This is all in my head. I'm crazy. I'm self-sabotaging my happiness. He's right. He's wonderful. Like all of the things. So that's why now it is so important to me to do opportunities like this, where I can share my story. So that if somebody is experiencing it, they can start knowing the signs.

[00:22:35] They know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. They know they're not stuck. And I felt so stupid when I came back to Wichita. And walked in those doors in August, back to, teacher in service to the district. I had left. Now everybody knew I had moved out of state and gotten married. And so I was gone for one year and now I'm back and they're like, well, why didn't you move?

[00:22:59] [00:23:00] and I had so much shame. the thoughts going in my head where. how did this happen to me? I know better. I should be smarter than this. I should have seen this, so I should, should, should, should, should, right. That a magic, wonderful word that we all use against ourselves. And then, you know, I came from a good family.

[00:23:18] I am educated. Like, how did this happen to me? I'm the biggest idiot in the world. I'm the only person who's ever been in this situation. And there's definitely something wrong with me. And it wasn't until close friends coworkers. in very safe spaces one-on-one could see the struggles I was having and took me aside and shared something about their story that I was able to start being like, not isolated.

[00:23:45] I'm not alone. I'm not this big, stupid person. Who's the only person who's ever done this. It's just that nobody's talking about it. So once I healed, I was like, forget that let's bust the [00:24:00] silence. Let's get this out there. And it definitely has changed over the past few years. Thanks to platforms such as this, and it is showing up on prime time, TV and things.

[00:24:12] So people are very aware now of what gaslighting and being with a narcissist and all these things to look for. And we have the words to match, we're not just like, well, that's really odd, but I can't quite put my finger on it. 

[00:24:27] Marie: . You mentioned at one point that your ex-husband was also physically abusive?.

[00:24:32] Chantal: Yes. So when we have that conversation of I'm not leaving, we're going to go to therapy and figure this out. That's when the physical way upped to a point where it was life-threatening. And so I did need to leave and I had friends come down for my 30th birthday and. They suspected that things weren't great, but they had no idea.

[00:24:54] And so when I just told them, like the very tip of the iceberg, like one or two things that happen, like flippantly, like, oh yeah, [00:25:00] ha no big deal. The next day he went to work and they're like, we are not leaving you here. And I'm like, okay, let me get upstairs and get my cat carrier so I can bring ginger cat back to Wichita safely with me, like I'm ready.

[00:25:13] And they're like, oh, I thought that was going to be harder, talk you into that, but okay, let's go. I found out later, cause I was only gone five weeks and it was unplanned unannounced . It took five weeks for the lawyers and my dad and everybody to talk, about what I had brought into the household and what I was going to go down with the U-Haul and get out of the house.

[00:25:34] And so five weeks after I had left unexpected. I go down there to get my stuff. And thankfully my mom and dad were with me. And he had moved in, in a new woman and a tiny, tiny little baby.

[00:25:46] Marie: You're kidding. 

[00:25:47] Chantal: Nope. He had been cheating on me probably the entire time we were together, knocked up her instead of me and needed to get me out of the picture.

[00:25:57] Marie: Oh, that's horrible. 

[00:25:59] Chantal: Did not feel [00:26:00] good, but it's for the best, because I have a clean break and walked away. I never have to see him again. I never have to talk to him again. And I know of two women, and this was from seven years ago, who knows how many now, two women who are going to have to deal with his crap for the rest of their lives, because they're going to be co-parenting and co grand parenting and co planning, weddings.

[00:26:26] And you know, it doesn't end when they're 18. 

[00:26:29] Marie: So great that you got out of that. Divorce is something I actually really do believe in. I haven't had to apply it to my own life, but I really do believe that your life is too short to be unhappy, it took a lot of courage , especially with all the shame that you're carrying to actually make the step and leave him. So congratulations.

[00:26:46] Chantal: The big thing for me. Cause even while we were driving, so I had two friends come down and visit me and they came in one vehicle.

[00:26:54] So when we were driving back, one of them drove my car. So I could have my emotional breakdown and [00:27:00] call my sister and call my mom and tell them what was going on. I was saying the whole time. This is going to be a wake-up call. I'm going to go stay with my sister for a couple months for the summer.

[00:27:10] We're going to get help. And we're going to look back on this someday. Be like, man, our first year of marriage was really hard, but look at us now. I still was not wrapping my head around the severity of the situation and it wasn't until. My parents got to my sisters and my dad got down on my level. And again, I had just been like word vomiting, some of the things that had happened, but they knew they were just getting the tip of the iceberg.

[00:27:36] So I'm sitting on a couch and he gets down to where eye-to-eye and he goes, do you think this is salvageable? I'm like, we said vows before God and all the Sunday school answers that I'd been raised with that I'd adopted as my core beliefs and values. And he says, I don't think it's salvageable. And I think if you go back the next time I see you, you'll be in a body bag. [00:28:00] Leave, run. 

[00:28:00] Marie: So you have found your fertile ground in life. You've got this great job during the daytime. You've got a business on the side that you're working on. The theme of my podcast is using grit and resilience that adversity to find fertile ground in your life. So congratulations for that. Do you have any simple steps that you would like to share with people who want to kickstart and transform their lives like you did??

[00:28:24] Chantal: Absolutely. 

[00:28:26] The first step is recognizing where you're at and accepting that you are not stuck. So if you are in a situation and you don't like it, whether it's as severe as mine was or not, like you are not stuck there, you have choices and you have options and it may be hard, right? I'm not saying this is easy.

[00:28:46] Mine was not easy by any means, but start looking at resources. The biggest thing for me was my internal dialogue. I was so down on myself, I was so mean to myself. I thought so very little of [00:29:00] myself. I didn't know that I deserved happiness that I deserve to not be in this relationship. I deserve for someone to be nice to me. So I really had to realize. Those thought patterns that were so ingrained in me and decide they're not true. 

[00:29:17] So realize your internal thoughts if they're not serving you, get rid of them. And there are so many people out there that can help you figure out how to do that and teach you how to do that.

[00:29:27] primarily I did mine through affirmation. Just by reading books and podcasts and putting into action. What I was learning, it took a lot longer than it needed to. Once I found Dr. Shannon Irvin, and learned her method and then loved it so much, I became a master certified neuro coach in her method, and she has her PhD in neuropsychology.

[00:29:51] In 28 days, the new neural network is made and by 67 it's fully taken over. It's automated in your old thought pattern has [00:30:00] died. So all those things that I was saying out loud earlier, Just the shame and all the things that I used to think. When I say them, I do remember thinking that, but those are not the thoughts in my head anymore.

[00:30:14] It's like, they were never there. And so everybody has the power to do that. No matter your beliefs. You can change your patterns of thought you have the power to do that. And so your steps would be to notice that there's an automated thought.

[00:30:31] Ask if it's serving you or not. And if not seek out someone or something, a book podcast, coach, to help you learn the pattern to erase the old thought and automate the new one of your choosing. 

[00:30:44] Thanks. Have you watched or read anything recently that has inspired you?.

[00:30:49] I just got introduced to Louise hay. Very metaphysical. All the things she's saying align with the brain science I've been trained in, but just the word she uses in her approach at it [00:31:00] is different. It's pretty fun. Go check her out.

[00:31:03] I just finished another book. How to do the Work. I really enjoyed that book too. You have the power to change your brain, change your reality by the thoughts that you have our thoughts guide our actions, which create our results.

[00:31:18] So if you don't like the results, if you don't like your current reality, you're not stuck there. You can change.

[00:31:24] Marie: Thank you. Is there anything else you'd like to share with our guests? Maybe tell people how they can get ahold of you and what you have going on.

[00:31:30] Chantal: Oh, absolutely. My book is called Create a Life You Love: 10 healthy habits to transform your life now. We just did a promo and I was number one in over five categories and sold over 2000 books in two days. It's been a fun week. Oh my gosh. The book came out in 2019.

[00:31:47] Like it's not a brand new book. And what I hear there is not 2000 books being downloaded. I hear 2000 lives that are being impacted by my story. I've been dancing and, and crying [00:32:00] and all the spectrums of the emotion to this week.

[00:32:02] From that I developed my companyCreate a Life You Love Coaching and so my website is createalifeyoulovecoaching.com and I'm most active on Facebook. My business page is Create a Life You Love Coaching, and I have this fabulous free community called Create a Life You Love Community. So if you want to be surrounded by people who are out there trying to create a life they love, and also wanting make an impact in the world with their stories, come hang out with us. 

[00:32:29] Marie: Great. My final question is, is there a story of grit and resilience or finding your fertile ground that has been an inspiration for you and your own life?

[00:32:38] Chantal: Yes. My mom. A large portion of chapter. One of my book is about my mom, and the things she's overcome and what an inspiration she is.

[00:32:47] She's my inspiration and she's a huge reason of why I am who I am today. 

[00:32:54] Marie: What's your mom's name?

[00:32:56] Chantal: Gloria, 

[00:32:57] Marie: Shout out to Gloria.[00:33:00] She probably had a lot to do with giving you the strength to leave your marriage. 

[00:33:03] Chantal: She did. She was in a similar situation when I was born and. Did everything she could to get out and then found my amazing dad and married him. And he adopted me and she raised me in an amazing upbringing. So I was protected from all that, but knew she had gotten herself out of that and built a beautiful life, you know, where she's traveling the world and has a happy family.

[00:33:30] And I have met my birth father since then, and he is a wonderful kind loving man and has a whole beautiful family. That is just wonderful. And it has been a blessing. Um, so people can change .

[00:33:43] Marie: That's good to know. 

[00:33:44] You've have an inspiring story that in terms of picking yourself up and dusting yourself off and starting your life over. So thank you for sharing. 

[00:33:53] Chantal: Thank you so much for the opportunity. 

[00:33:55] Marie: Yeah. It's great to meet you. And I look forward to further conversations.

[00:33:59] [00:34:00] Chantal now helps women experiencing life. Transitions, create a new vision for themselves. Reconnect with their passion and purpose and turn their transitions into their triumphant transformation. Check out our book, create a life you love 10 healthy habits to transform your life. Now at her podcast, I'll drop the leaks in the show notes.

[00:34:18] You can see photos and learn more about Chantal at wwwfertilegroundcommunications.com. Look for the Finding Fertile Ground podcast. Listeners did this episode inspire you? I'd love to hear from you. If you have any questions or have an idea for a guest or topic, I should cover drop me a line@marieforleogroundcommunications.com.

[00:34:39] Thanks for listening to the Finding Fertile Ground podcast. If you liked today's episode, please subscribe and leave a review.