Blossom Your Awesome Podcast Like Yourself More With Alan Questel

Blossom Your Awesome Podcast Like Yourself More With Alan Questel

Alan Questel joins us to talk about his latest book Intentional Acts of Kindness and Like Yourself More.

Alan is a trainer in the Feldenkrais method and was personally trained by Dr. Feldenkrais.

He has taught the method at hospitals and colleges all over the world including Princeton University, the Institute for Transpersonal Psychology, the New York Open Center and more.

He is also the founder of uncommonsensing.com. Check him out here at this link.

To see more of my work check me out at my website

Where I write and cover mindfulness and other things to help you Blossom Your Awesome.

Or follow me on instagram where I post fairly regularly and ask an inquisitive question or two weekly in hopes of getting you thinking about your life and going deeper with it.

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Transcript

Sue (00:01.126)
Hi there, today on the show, we have got Alan Questel here with us. I am so honored and delighted to have you here. Welcome to the show.

Alan Questel (00:09.634)
Thanks very much for having me. I'm glad to be here too.

Sue (00:13.186)
Oh, I am so excited to have you here and get into the work you do, Alan. So I mean, all of this stuff you do, the Feldenkrais method, you have been a trainer for decades. You've taught this method all over the world. Uncommon sensing. I want to get into that. You have a new book out, Practice Intentional Acts of Kindness. I just love that title. So give.

Alan Questel (00:41.238)
going to interrupt you. It's practice intentional acts of kindness and like yourself more.

Sue (00:47.334)
Oh, okay. I miss that. Yeah. And I love that. And so I want to get into that because I think we can all like ourselves a little more right in general. So, we will definitely get into that. So give us the backstory. Start wherever you'd like. I know Feldenkrais is kind of a big part of what you do, but give us the backstory here.

Alan Questel (00:59.271)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alan Questel (01:12.534)
Well, I got into the Feldenkrais Method actually about 40 years ago, a little more. And it changed my life. And I got into it when I hurt my back and I tried getting better myself and it didn't work. And I went to this Feldenkrais practitioner who barely touched me and it was expensive. And I thought, well, this is a waste of money. And I got up and I had no pain and I couldn't figure it out.

Three days later, I lived in New York that I was driving on the FDR Drive, which is like a pinball machine for cars, and I noticed I wasn't getting angry. And I thought, what happened to me? And I realized maybe it had something to do with this Feldenkrais session I had, and I went back to him two more times. And at that point, I was an actor and I had a contracting business. And after the third session, I thought, huh, I'd like to learn this, because I really think I could do this part-time and pursue acting.

And so I got into the last training that Dr. Feldenkrais taught, and it was a four-year program. And at the end of the four years, I started to practice. And within a year and a half, I had a waiting list. And I thought, this is a lot better than acting. And I was an equity actor at everything, but still, this was regular, you know? And I started doing it and practicing it.

eventually started doing training programs and became a trainer and educational director. And it actually is the impetus that led me to the book, you know, that in the Feldenkrais method, there's two modalities. One is called functional integration, which is the hands-on technique. And we work with people with orthopedic and neurological problems, self-image issues, professional athletes, dancers. And then out of that, Feldenkrais developed a classwork.

called awareness through movement. And the movements are done very small, very slow, so that you can feel more of the relationships that are occurring within you to eventually develop more of a skeletal use of ourself. So the skeleton is the part that bears weight and transmits force and movement, but we underuse that and overuse our musculature. And so I've been teaching this for many years, and then you mentioned the name of my website, but also there's a workshop I have

Alan Questel (03:33.966)
called Uncommon Sensing, which was about, it was called Moving Beyond Your Self-Image. And as I was investigating self-image, I started to think, without being reductionistic, that it was a reflection, our self-image is a reflection of how much we like ourselves and how much we don't like ourselves. So if I have a good self-image, I like myself, and if I don't have such a great self-image, I don't like myself. And...

After a few years of working with that, I thought, oh, this is my job to help people like themselves more. And I do it through the Feldenkrais method. And it's interesting, because I talk about it in every context I teach in, and I always get to a point where I say, oh, I need to ask anyone a question. Is there anyone here who doesn't want to like themselves more? And people always get this kind of sheepish grin on their face. And I have never met anyone who doesn't want to like themselves more.

And in the Feldenkrais, the question then comes, how do we learn to like ourselves more? And so we do it in many ways. Most of the ways, though, are external. We do it by obtaining things. We get a new haircut or a new car, new partner or new apartment or house, and those things are all viable and they're great, but they all have like a limited time span. I don't know if you've ever had the opportunity to buy a new car and you feel great, and you're driving around

like that for a year. And then what happens in a year? You see the next model and you go, oh. And I was like, where'd that go? I was feeling so good. Now my measure of liking myself was based on something that's expired in a sense. So in the Feldenkrais method, as I mentioned, the movements in the classes are slow and small. And then I started to introduce the idea, can you move in a way that you like the way it feels? And if I ask that question,

to people while they're doing the movements and they're doing that, great. But if I ask that question and it changes something, I think that's significant. And the interesting thing about doing it that way is that these small movements are not, they're not related to a tremendous amount of success or outcomes in our life. It's just the movements we're doing right now. So because it's not connected with an external outcome,

Alan Questel (05:57.47)
it kind of enters into the back door of how we can appreciate ourselves. I think one of the best examples of where this really showed up for me was years ago in a program I had in Australia, and it was a four-year training, and when they graduated, of course, I called each person up by name and gave them a certificate, gave them a hug, and so many of them whispered in my ear, I like myself more now. And I thought, wow.

That really made it worthwhile. And this idea of liking ourselves more is, it's not a finite process. I'm still learning to like myself. In fact, I find that the more ways I imagine, I accomplish liking myself more, the next level of challenge is even harder. And that's what led me to the book. So, should I keep going or do you have a question?

Sue (06:49.77)
Mm-hmm. Well, I have so many questions here. So first, I mean, help us understand. Can you give us more insight into the Feldenkrais method and how that movement ends up incorporating into liking? I mean, what is it about it that are we learning a different way to move? What are we doing?

Alan Questel (07:11.406)
Okay, yeah.

Alan Questel (07:16.238)
We're possibly learning a different way to move, but we're not learning the right way to move. We're actually developing more choice in how we move. Now, I think maybe an easier way to, because look, I could talk for days describing the Feldenkrais method, and I do. So I would say, if we start with Feldenkrais' idea of self-image, that our self-image is comprised of our thinking, our feeling, our sensing.

and our movement, our actions in the world. And a change in any one of these aspects in ourself potentiates a change in our self-image. So if I change how I think, it might change how I feel. If I change how I feel, it might change how I move. Now, can we change how we think? Yeah, we can, but we often trick ourselves. I think I'm thinking differently and we loop right back around again. And can I change how I feel? Well, yeah, I can change how I feel,

Most of the time, when we're struggling around our feelings, we don't know what we're feeling or we're feeling too much of something. So I think one of the best models for changing how we feel, I would say, is a little baby who's crying and you dangle some keys in front of their face and they stop crying. So where do the feelings go? And that idea, would that work with an adult, you think? Some keys in front of their face? Yeah. Maybe if it was a Mercedes or a nice dream house or something.

But generally, our feelings, to navigate them, to understand them, is a pretty lengthy process. And to change how we sense or take in or process information, that's like the cutting edge of neurology today, which we know may be a tenth of a tenth of a percent of what's going on. But when we change how we move, it's immediate, it's concrete, and it's connected to our actions. So when we act differently in the world, then we have the potential to feeling different.

thinking different, and that can lead to liking ourselves more. Now, that's kind of one perspective of the Feldenkrais method, but I can also offer, you know, you mentioned my website, Uncommon Sensing. If people go there, there's free resources. You can download different talks and different Feldenkrais lessons and try them for free and see what they're like. So that might be a better, easier access for people at this moment.

Sue (09:43.214)
Mm-hmm. And now, you know, this idea of liking ourselves more, what is it about people? Like, why is there always... Because, you know, there's people out there who are confident and charismatic, and I can't imagine them liking themselves more. It seems like they really like themselves, or, you know, outwardly, at least, right? They appear to like themselves a lot.

But it sounds like you're saying we can all always like ourselves more. So how do we start tapping into that? What is your guidance there for that?

Alan Questel (10:20.766)
Well, that's where, you know, I think as I teach the Feldenkrais method, that's certainly a resource to do that, to practice that. So as I said, if I say to someone, are you moving in a way that you like the way it feels? But that's not limited to a Feldenkrais lesson. That idea of moving in a way that you like the way it feels can happen when you're sitting at your desk and you go up to get a cup of tea, to have the consciousness, the awareness, to go, I'm gonna use a little more attention here.

and walking away that I like the way it feels. And now if I do that regularly, that plant's a big seed that can grow for a long time. And when you talk about people who are confident and they seem to like themselves, I agree. I meet more and more people like that, but there's not one of them. When I ask the question, would you like to like yourself more, no one says no. Why? Like I said at the beginning that,

as we come to like ourselves more, the next level of growing ourselves or evolving ourselves to like ourselves more, it's like the next rung on the ladder gets a little higher away. Can I give you an example? Can I read you something? So this is in my book. It's a quote from Ram Dass. And he says,

Sue (11:36.954)
Yes, absolutely.

Alan Questel (11:46.358)
When you go out into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees, and some of them are bent. You sort of understand that it didn't get enough light, and so it turned that way, and you don't get all emotional about it. You just allow it. The minute you get near humans, you lose all that, and you're constantly saying, you are to this, and I'm to this, that judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees.

which means appreciating them just the way they are. So of course, I love that quote. I mean, I put it in the book. But the thing for me, like when I think of all the things that I guide people towards to practice kindness and like themselves more in the book, I think honestly that I'm pretty good at doing all those things I've written about. Then once I completed the book, I went, oh my God, the next step for me to

like myself more relates directly to this quote. Because I'm just like everyone else. I make judgments and make up stories about people. And I've been working with this for quite a while. And it's like if I'm in an airport, and I imagine most of us do this, we just look at someone we don't know and we make up a story about them, positive or negative. And I've been trying to figure out how do I...

shift myself out of that, not spend as much time in that really kind of useless, meandering negative way of interacting. And then I came up with an answer. So now if I'm in an airport, I'm staring at someone, if I catch myself making up a story, I just say to myself, tree. And it's like something dissolves all around them. And I engage them in a totally different way. And so these are the things

that even the people who are super happy with themselves could be super happier, I think.

Sue (13:50.871)
Oh, I love that. Now, you know, in this idea of just intentional acts of kindness have got to help us like ourselves more as well, right? Because it feels really great to be nice.

Alan Questel (14:05.283)
Thanks for watching.

Alan Questel (14:10.406)
Yeah, that's exactly what I caught myself doing one day. And that was the link. Because the process of moving in a way that I like, the way it feels to like myself more, that's an intrapersonal process. That's within myself. And it's great, useful. And then one day I thought, well, how can I make it more interpersonal with others? And I'd been thinking about this and I did some action that had some kindness in it. And then I thought,

What I realized is the moment that happened, I felt a little better about myself. I liked myself more. And it wasn't to do kind acts so I could pat myself on the back and say, oh, I like myself more. It was the spontaneous and the genuine actions that I could do that generated this quality of feeling. But I was interested in not big actions of like a donation or something like that, although those are good.

It was more, what can we do in our everyday lives to practice this? And that's where, you know, the question you asked me earlier about, well, it was along the lines of how to go about doing this, there's only one answer to that, and that is to practice it. But the question is then, how do we practice it? So like many people ask me, is the book about compassion or empathy? And I say, of course, how could it not be?

But it's also about concrete things that we, you and I, can do every day to practice this. And it takes some work. It's not like, oh, I'm just going to be kind. You know, we can tell ourselves, oh, look, I've meditated for many, many years. And I believe I have an inkling of understanding about compassion from that, right? But that's over many, many years. Can we?

Can we do something now that makes us, gives us a better feeling about ourselves and others today, every day, and practice it? And so like each chapter in my book, it has exercises that you can do. And the exercises present challenge. I'll tell you a story of, so one of the chapters is about generosity. And one of the exercises I have at the end of the chapter is about

Alan Questel (16:35.818)
different ways to be generous, a little bit. So one way is if you're in a restaurant and if you tip 20% or 15%, whatever your percentage is, and let's say the bill, for every $5 that you tip, add in another dollar. So if it's a $20 tip, add in $4 more. And this is relative, of course, to what someone can really do. It's not to do these things outside of your means or what's possible.

So when I was writing this chapter, literally that night I was going out to dinner with some friends and I picked up the check. It was a local place and it was about $75. And I thought, well, it's at 20%, so that's another $15, it brings it up to $90. And I had a $100 bill. And I had the thought, I'll give the $100. And in the next moment I clutched. I was like, that's too much, what are you doing? That's crazy.

And then I was like, wow, that's an interesting phenomenon to have to meander that, navigate that. And I ended up leaving the $100. But it wasn't easy. But when I was leaving the restaurant, the waitress came up to me and said, you just made my night. And I went, oh, that's the reason I'm doing this. And I think we could all do it more, really.

Sue (18:02.262)
Mm-hmm. And you know, for people, I find so many people, and no judgment here, but a lot of times, don't have that awareness. Like they might be just carrying pain and hurt and sorrow, and they don't get that stepping out of their own pain for a moment and doing something for someone

Sue (18:32.166)
really magical way help alleviate their, you know, lighten their burden a little because you kind of Get to have empathy for someone else. It feels good to do that. What is your guidance? To those people who really kind of resist Doing for others or wanting to do a little more for that, you know fellow Mandar

Alan Questel (18:37.206)
Yeah.

Alan Questel (18:55.194)
For the ones who don't want to, I don't know. I think, well, it brings about another question for me, which is an idea that there needs to be a want. There needs to be a desire. And the desire hopefully stems out of some internal feeling that someone wants to change themselves in some way. Small or big, doesn't matter. If that want is there, then it can be built on, then something can happen.

But in the book, I talk about that this is going to be challenging and that you don't have to force yourself through everything, go back to it later, do it in another way, find your own way of doing something like that. When you talk about someone like that, I'm going to flip it a little bit. So I don't know if you've ever met someone who's like a heavy duty meditator.

or they talk about themselves spiritually all the time. And they breathe.

deeply Off, you know, I know people we all know people like this and I was in on a line in the supermarket there was someone in front of me man, and he was like Breathing like that. You could just tell he was With himself as he thought but then the woman in front of him was taking a long time And he started to get irritated and frustrated and I thought oh Mr. Meditator, who you know, it's because I went into my judgmental mind about it

Sue (20:01.224)
Thank you.

Alan Questel (20:29.442)
But then I came to realize that someone who's in any practice to better themselves like that, even if it seems like they're not being successful from my point of view, that doesn't matter. They're in the practice of doing it. They're heading in that direction in some way. So someone who's resistant maybe to some of these ideas, they need the space to be resistant. Can't force anyone to do anything like that. But to keep...

keep surrounding them with the sense of what's possible and maybe someday they come around. I think it depends a lot on how we act around them and towards them and with them, that it's not about them changing. Like years ago when my mother passed away, my father and I were watching TV and I realized I really didn't tell him I loved him.

I remember when I was little I did and I thought I'm gonna tell him and the commercial came on and I said dad uh you know I was really uncomfortable I said dad I want you to know I love you and he went I love you too what's on channel four what's on channel five and ah I was like dying inside I was like I was just horrified it was so hard for me to say that and after lying there for about a half an hour I went wait a minute I didn't say this to get a response

I said this so I know that I said it. And a year later, he started mumbling, I love you, when we'd get off the phone. And I said, did I hear that right? And so people need time. I think we need to be patient with ourselves and with others around something like that for sure.

Sue (22:18.25)
Mm-hmm. Oh, that's so powerful. Alan, I love that. And now, you know, talk to us more about kindness because, you know, it's more than I think a lot of times. Like, I know one of your things is listening is kindness, right? But some of this other stuff kind of eludes us. We always think of it as this intentional act of like giving or receiving. But what are some other examples of kindness that we don't consider?

Alan Questel (22:48.65)
Well, I think, can I just back up a little bit because you said something I heard that I thought was very interesting when you said kindness is giving or receiving. And in fact, in the dictionary, kindness is often equated with generosity. But generosity is a confused thing because so many of us give to get, or we have an inappropriate sense of how much to give, too little or too much.

And we don't really know ourselves in this way. And if you look up the word kindness, as a matter of fact, if you look up most words, you're going to find that the definition is from the observer's point of view. So like sitting, if you look up sitting, it says to rest upon one's buttocks or thighs. Well, you tell a child with cerebral palsy, just rest upon your buttocks and thighs. That's crazy, they're going to tip right over, right?

Most definitions don't give us the internal understanding of how we go about doing something. And so that's a very different way than looking at generosity or listening or let's see, what are some of the other things that we can do? Well, I would say that first of all, it almost doesn't matter what we do as long as it's an action.

So we can have listening. We can have small daily moments. Here's another one, but it's related to listening. It's what I call intentional chit chat. So we all have the moments of the day, hi, how you doing, fine, hi, nice to have a nice day, blah, that's all great. I had a really good friend, he just passed away, unfortunately, he was a big neuroscientist. And years ago in New York, we were online in a bank, and you know, he's in front of me, I'm sort of...

daydreaming and he gets up to the teller and he goes, so how's your day going? And the teller kind of looked up, kind of shocked, and paused and then went, it's going pretty good. And they started this short conversation. And I was kind of shocked. And I said to my friend afterwards, I said, where'd you learn to do that? He was from the Bronx, I'm from New York. He was like, where'd you learn to do that? And he said, I don't know. And I started doing it.

Alan Questel (25:09.93)
So it's engaging intentionally with someone. Just check in for a moment. If you think of all the people at customer service that we deal with all the time on the phone, and can you imagine how many of those conversations are actually positive? I think it's a tough job, right? So I always interrupt them and I say, first, how are you feeling today? And you can hear the shock at the other end, they're like, oh, fine, thanks for asking. And I'll tell you,

Any interaction after that goes easier. Try it in an airline counter. You see people yelling, and my flight's canceled, I didn't get this, or anything, and say, I'm saying, is there any way you can help me here? But first, how's your day going? And you know what they say, oh, it's terrible. These three flights canceled, I can't believe what's going on. I said, I don't know how you keep up with it. And it's not, again, it's not to do these things to get something back.

Sue (25:43.116)
Mm-hmm.

Alan Questel (26:07.594)
It's to do these things to give another person a moment of recognition, of feeling like, oh, someone saw me for a moment. And that makes them feel better. And you know what? Maybe they see the next person who comes to them. Maybe the next person is irate and screaming, but they go, oh, this person's having a bad day too. OK. Let's see what we can do. So we need to practice it. Give me...

One second, because I want to look at something here to see if...

Alan Questel (26:45.274)
Oh, there's a number of other things. One thing, and this also, when I told the story of how the work I do and how the book developed, there was really another seed that was planted before. And that was when my father got older. He first, he ran out of money and my brother and I had to support him. And fortunately we could, but then he got dementia.

And we finally had to put him in a home in Florida where he was staying with my stepmother. And it was in June, I guess, and we found a nice place. But my stepmother was going to New York for the summer and he's going to be all alone. And I thought no one's going to contact him or anything. So I was never close to my dad. You know, we had this, it was an okay relationship, but it wasn't close.

But I got this idea to call him every day. And I lived in California then. He was in Florida. So every day I'd call him probably for five minutes. Sometimes he had the wrong end of the phone. He was demented, you know? But he always knew who I was. And I did that for about three years. So that brought me to an exercise in the book of five minutes a day. Can you give someone your full attention for five minutes a day? And people always go, oh, yeah. Yeah? Try it.

I used to practice with my dog and within two minutes I'd be like, I'm going to go check my email. And it's like doing something like that and then there's the idea of tough love, of saying no to someone, right? Knowing that it's not in their best interest to agree with them on something sometimes. But how do you do that without harshly doing it? How can you do it gently?

Right. What are the ways, the parameters that you can create a conversation around rather than just telling someone what you think, because that often is taken as criticism. So there's that, there's... And you know, the biggest thing, and I'll tell you, it's the hardest thing, is being kind to ourselves. People are much better at being kind to other people than being kind to themselves. And when I was working on the chapter,

Alan Questel (29:07.382)
of being kind to ourselves, I got blocked for about five years, which really shocked me and I thought I have a lot to learn about being kinder to myself. And again, it's not like a finished product. I go through many different stages all the time. And so back to the idea, if someone wants this in their life, they can do it. And rather than just talking about compassion and empathy, which is important,

that I'm giving people tools to practice, to see how can you get better at this? And the nice thing about it is you don't have to tell anyone. It's your private mission to do something like that and to see who you become or keep becoming and is it more who you wanna be.

Sue (29:59.918)
Oh, I love that. And now, you know, in this ongoing thing, I think there's just so much wisdom in that because there's so many self-help gurus and people out there and like, oh, do this and these three steps, or, you know, read this book and you're gonna be transformed. But it really is an ongoing process. And I find the ones who understand that and are doing the work, they just become more humble.

You know, the more you do, the more humility comes with it. Right? And then one of your other philosophies, Alan, that I just love is, you know, like we kind of, you already touched on this, but this idea of connection with yourself and others. And I feel like that's such a, you know, it's so overlooked.

Alan Questel (30:31.338)
Yeah.

Alan Questel (30:42.536)
Yeah.

Alan Questel (30:48.978)
Yeah. And you know, you asked me in the very beginning about the Feldenkrais Method, and I gave you a frame of reference around self-image. But I would say that the thing that I do with a child with cerebral palsy or someone who had a stroke or someone with back pain or knee pain or an athlete, a dancer, someone who wants to improve some quality in what they do, the thing that I do is the same thing with all of them through movement,

an easier transmission of force, skeletally, to connect through them. So the work in the Feldenkrais Method is entirely around connection. The whole idea of kindness is entirely around connection. In fact, I think the whole idea of spirituality is about being connected, whether it's being connected with someone, something somehow bigger than you, or just the people in your community, in a spiritual community. And that connection,

I mean, if you look at my book's website, it starts out with connection. You know, that's really at the essence. And you know what? I think it's the essence of what all people want. As curmudgeon as someone might be, as introverted as someone might be, I think there's still a deep longing for connection. That's part of our human nature, our biology probably. Because without that and our biology, we wouldn't procreate.

what would be the point, you know? So yeah, I agree with you, connection for sure.

Sue (32:24.85)
Oh, I love it. And now give us, you know, this idea of spirituality, what I mean, that's obviously a part of your, just who you are, right? You incorporate that in some way. So what is it to you? Like, what does it mean to you?

Alan Questel (32:40.587)
Yeah.

Alan Questel (32:47.21)
be spiritual? I write about that in the book because to me, you know, I grew up in New York City and I don't know if that's the reason why, but I was always a little bit skeptical and suspect of things. This whole idea of spiritual, I'd meet people who are, you know, quote spiritual and I was a little mistrustful of it. And then one day I actually came up with an idea and it's related to everything. It was a long time ago and that was that

Sue (32:48.789)
Mm-hmm.

Alan Questel (33:15.414)
being spiritual means to be kind to myself and kind to others. And that's it. And then, of course, I found out later that that's what the Dalai Lama says. He says, my religion is kindness, right? And all of the other practices around it are the means to maybe guide us there, but they're not the essence of it, the essence of it is kindness, you know? Can I read you something else? Okay, so.

Sue (33:42.334)
Yes.

Alan Questel (33:44.726)
This was when I was writing the book. My friend who helped me do all the design and putting it together, really talented guy, he said to me, I said, you don't have a forward for your book. And I said, I know, I've just been too busy and I don't even know who to ask, you know. And I've got a lot of great testimonials and stuff from lots of writers and stuff, but a forward I didn't know. And he said, what about the Dalai Lama?

And I went, are you crazy? Dalai Lama? How would I do that? And about three months later, I was having a conversation with someone about the Dalai Lama. And I thought, well, it's worth a shot. And sure enough, Dalai Lama has a website with his address and phone number and email. And I thought, OK, here goes. So I wrote this letter to the Dalai Lama.

Bear with me because there's an addendum to it. To His Holiness the Dalai Lama, I write to you with the utmost respect and admiration with a request if it's something you think would be of value in bringing more kindness to the world. I just published a book called Practice Intentional Acts of Kindness and Like Yourself More. Many ask me if it's about compassion and empathy and I say, of course. I tell them it's also about concrete ways to generate

more kindness towards others and ourselves, things we can do every day to create a kinder world. You are part of the final chapter, kindness and spirituality. I've included a copy of this book along with this letter. Now back to my request. Asking with as much courage and humility as I can muster, with the understanding that it's likely too unrealistic, too large a request, realizing that before I even ask,

that it's not possible for you to fulfill it as you must receive so many requests like this. Also, knowing that it's only in asking that there's a small chance you could fulfill it. My book has no forward. Could you possibly write a forward for my book? I'm a little shocked at my own request. You do not know me. How do I have the nerve to ask such a thing from someone who represents so much to the world? And yet here I am humbly asking you for the benefit of others.

Alan Questel (36:09.582)
Of course, reading the book is with the intention that it is for the benefit of others, but I'm not so naive to not acknowledge that it would also be of benefit to me. So if you gave me a few words that I could add as a forward to this book, I would commit to giving half of all the profits from my book to any causes or charities you think would most benefit from a financial contribution. I thank you in advance just for reading this letter. Any response at all would be a great gift from me.

And if you're so inclined to write something for me, well, I really have no words to express my thanks. Other than if it helped even a little way to bring more kindness in the world, it would bring me joy and great satisfaction. With deep appreciation and recognition for all you do to make our world a kinder, more peaceful place, sending you light, peace and love, Alan Questel. Now, I wrote that and sent him the book in last December.

I didn't hear anything back and around March, not went to India and who knows the mail there if it got there or not. So in March, I wrote him an email including the letter again and a PDF of the book. And I still haven't heard back, but then I got busted. And here's a good example of how the next level of challenge and how it kind of is put in front of us harshly sometimes.

So I was doing another podcast, and this man was doing the podcast with me. He said, so if you haven't heard from him, why are you waiting to donate half the money? Why don't you just donate half the money to another cause? And I was kind of like, uh.

And I wrote him a week later and I said, I'm gonna, at the end of each year, I'll calculate the profits and I'll donate half. So, and if the Dalai Lama writes, yeah, it'll go to him, right? But in the meantime, I'll honor that commitment that it was not just towards the Dalai Lama, it's towards a commitment towards something bigger for all of us. So, to me, that's a, maybe that's an example of spirituality, I'm not sure.

Sue (38:24.17)
I am just so enthralled with your letter. I think it was so beautifully, humbly written, so well written. That's just incredible. So thank you so much for sharing that. But yeah, again, that kind of practicing what you preach and this idea of putting that kindness out into the world, right? Like not only are you sharing

ideas around kindness and helping people kind of have an awakening there, but offering a part of the proceeds. Like that's so beautiful. And I don't blame you for waiting to hear back from the Dalai Lama before committing proceeds to a different charity.

Alan Questel (39:11.722)
I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting.

Sue (39:15.902)
Hey, you know, you never know the universe as you know, has really magical, mysterious ways of working things out for us. Now, give us some insight into, you know, something we touched on briefly, this idea of being kind for the sake of the other person, because they may need it. But again, affirming, Ellen, because I feel like,

Alan Questel (39:17.89)
Right. Yeah.

Alan Questel (39:25.108)
All right.

Sue (39:43.778)
You know, people seem to miss this because it's more of this act. And when I said giving, you know, even giving of yourself, not necessarily giving monetarily, but giving lending an air for a minute or two to someone who needs it, right, is an act of kindness. But there is and I think this is what people so often miss. We do receive when we give, however, we show up, right? We do. We don't. I think more people would be kinder.

if they got that there is something that we gain out of that kindness.

Alan Questel (40:19.894)
Yeah, yeah. I've heard, I think it was St. Francis of Assisi who said it's through giving that we receive. Right, and that's where, well that's a tricky part of giving though, right? Like I know many people, and I would have included myself in the past about this, that I was very good, or I know people very good at giving and really not good at receiving. But if you can't receive,

then the act of giving is a little off. There's something not quite right in it. And, you know, Feldenkrais kind of flipped around the idea of do unto others as you would do unto, wait. Yeah, do unto others as you would do unto yourself. He said, do unto yourself as you would do unto others. That's harder. It's easier to do something for someone else than for ourselves, you know? And so,

That, the knowledge of that, so that's one aspect. As you describe it, it's like really clear to me, I think it's clear to you, but as we're just talking, it's just a theory. So then the question goes back to the action, right? How does someone act and then possibly struggle with the fact that this is really hard for me to receive something? I'm not so comfortable. Or,

To question my giving, to think, how am I giving? Is it too much, too little? Am I giving? I know people, and I used to get a little irritated with them and now I have more compassion. Well, they would give me something that seemed out of proportion to their means, but I always had the feeling they wanted me to give them something as big back. And it's like, and there's nothing wrong with our judgment on them. It's just that...

They have a need that can't be recognized or expressed. Here's a flip on it, too. So when I was in college, I got caught shoplifting in the bookstore. And I didn't steal things randomly. I didn't have any money in college. And I stole things that I needed for classes and stuff, and I got caught. And they put me on disciplinary probation. And if I got caught again, they kicked me out of school, which I didn't want.

Alan Questel (42:47.894)
So I, of course, behaved myself. But then what I realized was part of the reason I took things was because I didn't know how to ask for things. And so it's, I mean, all these things are so tied up in our self-image and our histories and it's complex for sure. But we can tease it apart and kind of find our way through it and find more clarity, you know? More clarity in the sense of what do I want?

Sue (42:59.1)
Yeah.

Alan Questel (43:16.77)
to do and how do I want to feel. And those are connected, I think.

Sue (43:22.518)
Yeah, and this is so interesting, this idea of, you know, not knowing how to ask. I have this conversation with therapists and people, especially around relationships. And so often, right, I, uh, people are always assume that your partner or loved one or whoever should know how you're feeling or what you need.

Alan Questel (43:33.582)
Sure.

Alan Questel (43:47.104)
All right.

Sue (43:49.498)
And or if they say something that is upsetting or gets under your skin and you're like pouting in a corner And you know half the time or more than that. They don't even know That it was offensive, right? They don't know and then it's turning it around on you like there then like okay You're being weird or you're being Why are you acting like that? What's wrong? You're always so moody or whatever and where again coming back to your idea of connecting and how powerful

Alan Questel (44:00.362)
Right. Yeah.

Alan Questel (44:10.198)
Right, right. Yeah.

Sue (44:19.927)
that is and how we just kind of miss that whole thing and miss the boat on it with loved ones, with people, you know, your dad telling them you love them.

Alan Questel (44:29.974)
Yeah. Well, it's kind of like when you say we miss the boat. I understand that and I agree with that. But I don't think the boat has sailed that far out yet. You know, it can be called back in or you can row out to it or swim out to it if you have to, you know, and find another way or wait for the next boat.

Sue (44:50.661)
Bye.

Yes, yeah. And I meant miss the boat, like in that, miss that chance, right? That opportunity, but it's always there. You can always revisit that and have these more meaningful conversations and be telling people we love them. That is an act of kindness.

Alan Questel (44:58.677)
Yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Alan Questel (45:12.318)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sue (45:15.946)
Yeah, wow. Oh my goodness, Alan. So a couple of things. First and foremost, I have loved this conversation with you.

Alan Questel (45:26.19)
Thank you, it's mutual because I mean, it's really easy to connect with you and the questions you ask and I'm enjoying it a lot still.

Sue (45:35.622)
Well, you've been so awesome. You've offered so many wonderful insights and so much wisdom here that you've shared for us all. I am going to be sure to have links to all of your stuff. And now in closing, if there were just one message, your hope for everybody out there, what is that closing message you'd like to leave us with?

Alan Questel (46:05.104)
I would hope that...

in whatever way you find your way to it. So not just through me or your podcast or anything else. In whatever way you find to be able to like yourself a little bit more and keep pursuing that and to see every day if you could bring just a tiny act of kindness towards someone else and to see how does that reflect back to you and your world.

Sue (46:40.02)
I love it. That is such a powerful close. You've been so wonderful. Thank you so much.

Alan Questel (46:47.458)
Thank you so much. It's really been a great pleasure.

Sue (46:50.667)
Oh, you've been awesome. Thank you.

Sue (46:56.164)
Wow, that was awesome.