Blossom Your Awesome Podcast Are You Ok With Aaron Huey

Blossom Your Awesome Podcast Are You Ok With Aaron Huey

Aaron Huey joins us with powerful wisdom.

He is the host of Beyond Risk and Back, 25 year family-in-crisis parenting coach and teen/parent interventionist. Former Treatment Facility Owner. International lecturer, author, trainer and family-in-crisis support expert.

His podcast "Beyond Risk and Back" is in the top 3% of parenting podcasts gobally.

To learn more about Aaron check him out here.

On this episode Aaron shares about his life's work helping those in the thick of crisis. He has powerful insights and deep awareness from his life's journey and by way of sitting with others in their darkness. 

• self regulation is key to show up powerfully
• self regulate by aligning your nervous system 
• check in with those around you more 

KEY TAKEAWAY - The greatest takeaway here is that we have to do deep introspective work with ourselves and look after our own nervous system to be able to self regulate and to show up powerfully for others in need. Sitting with others in their darkness takes a courage and bravery. This is what it means to be human is to be able to sit with our discomfort and that of others in a powerful way. 

To see more of my work check me out at my website

Where I write and cover mindfulness and other things to help you Blossom Your Awesome.

Or follow me on instagram where I post fairly regularly and ask an inquisitive question or two weekly in hopes of getting you thinking about your life and going deeper with it.

My Instagram - i_go_by_skd

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To see more of who I'm talking to on the Podcast, to advertise your brand on the Blossom Your Awesome Podcast or just get in touch click here.  

Transcript

Sue (00:01.121)
Hi there today on the show we have got Erin Huey here with us. I am so honored and delighted to have you here. Welcome to the show.

Aaron (00:08.674)
Thank you, Sue. Thanks just for the opportunity to be with your listeners and talk. That's what I do, I talk. Ha ha ha.

Sue (00:19.013)
Well, you, I know you've got some amazing insights and wisdom and things to share here from your story, the work you do. It's so remarkable. So for 25 years, you have been working with parents of teens who struggle, teens in recovery from trauma, anxiety, depression, mental health struggles, self-harm, drugs, suicide attempts. It goes on and on. This is so remarkable. And that's just one.

Aaron (00:27.95)
Thank you.

Sue (00:47.877)
of the many things you do. Like I said, you're a family crisis consultant, a team coach, an addiction interventionist, and it goes on and on and you have an author, Marshall Arts Hall of Fame inductee, I love that. Okay, so give us this backstory, how and why you got into this line of work.

Aaron (01:03.438)
Yeah, thanks.

Aaron (01:12.406)
Well, all the way back, my biological father effed off right at the beginning. It had nothing to do with me, no desire to connect. That automatically leaves the empty chair at the table, right? And you try to fill it. You can't. I did have a dad show up when I was around 2 and 1 years old. My mom found a great guy. And I still, to this day, he's my dad. He's my daddy.

Both my mom and my dad did amazing work. He adopted me when I was about four, when my younger brother was born. They did great, very progressive. Had that perfect balance of being old-timey, disciplinarian, yet really emotionally intelligent, both of them, and trying to make sure things were understood, not just heard.

But I struggled, very ADHD, still am to this day, happy to call it my superpower now, but it was definitely my kryptonite as a kid. I was bullied mercilessly. I started trying drugs and alcohol, using as a crutch as I was limping around life, started using weed and alcohol when I could sneak it.

In middle school that continued into high school little by little in college In acting school. I went to a trade school. I went to acting school I was sexually assaulted by my best friend who was also my roommate who had the same last name as my biological father Hmm, there's Aaron's psyche all laid out for the whole world right there That led to the daily use abuse. The experimentation was done and gone. I was full blown on my crutches

all day every day. I got married, I had a kid, and it just got worse. LSD joined the party, and I loved LSD. It just kept on that trajectory of that full, high energy, high tilt, aggressive, risky choice life, down to rock bottom, which was May 21st, 1998.

Aaron (03:32.19)
I was divorced, I was seeing my daughter on an extremely limited basis because I was using constantly. I had a moment of grace that led me to the 12-step rooms. That led to the work, the discomfort, the struggle, everything I had been avoiding, the pain, the questions that I was avoiding answering, being a good dad, being a good ex.

husband partner with my ex-wife, finding a new partner, getting a son out of the deal, becoming that dad figure to him, he has a father, starting a martial arts school, just doing the work. That martial arts school turned into overnight programs, weekend camps for kids, teen rite of passage, outdoor survival training, emergency medicine, I just kept going with.

anything that facilitated me being able to handle it if the world ends, I guess, because mine constantly was ending as a kid. On the other side of the work and recovery and running a martial arts school and working with teens and children and everything, my wife and I were one day asked by a parent, can my teen just come live with you? And we said yes, and she told her sister, who told a friend.

And that friend called us and said, can my team just come live with you? And within a week, Sue, we had six boys and four on a wait list living in our home with us. And we said, oh, I guess we run a program now. That changed into a full tilt residential treatment center with 30 employees and staff and becoming the highest ranked success program in the United States with an 89% success rate.

We closed a couple years ago due to the fires in Estes Park. Our property became uninsurable even though we were very safe. We were surrounded by fires and that killed our zip code for the insurance purposes. And so I've continued the work, that 12th step of taking the message of hope to people who are staring at the gates of hell and showing them that escape hatch right before the gates slam shut. And that's what we do. And fortunately, a year and a half ago...

Aaron (05:55.118)
It led me to the Martial Arts Hall of Fame, where I was inducted for my work with traumatized children. And that was kind of a culminating pat on the back for everything, because martial arts has been the golden thread in everything I do since I was 12 years old, including the dark times.

Sue (06:12.169)
Hmm. And I want to get into that with you, but I have so many questions because I know, you know, martial arts gets this just on a side note and having, you know, we'll get into this, but that martial arts sometimes gets a bad rap, but it's really this whole other profound, beautiful thing that gives so much confidence and a deeper self-awareness in all of this. Right.

Aaron (06:39.658)
You know, I will tell you what I did is I created a martial arts program called Safe Dojo, and it's to instruct martial arts school owners on how to work with the heavily traumatized, the anxious, the autistic, the depressed, the drug using, the self-harmers, the ones that need it so badly, because what martial arts instructors don't realize is

everything we do, if we do it consciously, is therapeutic process. There's not a thing that a therapist does that martial arts instructor doesn't do. The difference is therapists are very intentional and very conscious about the words they use and what they say and how they guide the student to the next belt. Therapists and martial artists are doing the same work. Martial arts have the advantage of doing it semantically.

and allowing children to experience it in their body, not just in their heart, their guts, and in their mind. It is a somatic, therapeutic process that's the best I've ever seen, and that's why we used it in treatment centers. And that was really the core of the project, is to look at martial arts instructors and say, this is therapy, stop acting like it's not. Yeah, and it caught.

and martial arts instructors come to me and say, okay, like teach me. And when they're open to be taught, there is a whole clientele list out there that is in such desperate need. It is a growing market. It will send your school to the next level. My school started with one student, six years old, whose mom caught him on his third suicide attempt. That's how my school started. And my school specialized with the kids who were struggling.

with the kids who had been kicked out of school, the kids who were getting in trouble, with the kids who, it was a misfit at home, at school, and it was through martial arts and everything. The same things they teach at other schools. The kids were just like, oh, I get it. All the way up to girls who had been trafficked, coming back and me putting on the full padded suits and having a rubber training knife, and them looking at me and saying, I can't do this today.

Aaron (09:04.302)
and saying, that's it, that's the black belt level. Is you setting a boundary with an authority figure? That's it, you win, black belt, here you go, and letting them have that kind of win. You don't have to punch me in the face. You gotta know where your line is and be willing to stand there and face that energy that's coming at you and say, nope, not gonna happen. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, whatever.

It's been a blessing to have that for myself and to be able to pass that on to the younger generations.

Sue (09:42.581)
Wow, oh my goodness. So I am hearing a little ringing bell in the background. Are you hearing that or is that okay?

Aaron (09:49.426)
Yeah, sorry about that. It is, we got it locked down, I believe.

Aaron (10:05.203)
Okay, can you still hear me?

Sue (10:07.297)
I can. Yep. So, you know, I, this is so remarkable to me and now we got to go down this, you know, a little deeper here because it's just amazing. And so initially, you know, when I said martial arts getting a bad rap, I kind of misspoke there because it wasn't so much it's getting a bad rap. I think there's a lot of people aren't aware of that kind of deeper what you're learning there, what you're teaching. And I know

Aaron (10:08.898)
We're good.

Sue (10:34.681)
You know, in the East, like you're saying, it's very therapeutic. It is kind of thought of this deeper art form, you know, with certain in certain dojos and things, right, with the more traditional instructors where it's kind of like, OK, you are you're not trying to harden somebody. You're trying to soften them to be able to deal with the hard stuff. Right. Really. And it's not about turning people into these.

hardcore fighters, it's like you want to evade that at all costs. You don't want to get into a physical altercation, right? You want to learn how to respond powerfully.

Aaron (11:14.378)
You know, here's the thing, and here's what I took by when you said bad rap, because the truth is that there are all sides to martial art. Martial arts means the art of war, and war is violent, war is dark, war is a shadow, war is horrific, war is, and the art form of it is, artists are intentional. There's an awareness, there's a grace.

and to have grace with shadow, to be the warrior that gets summoned to confront the dragon in the cave who stole the princess and the king and queen's gold and that whole archetypal story of virtue rescuing innocence from shadow to secure the future of the body. That's what that story symbolically represents. It's not about a man rescuing a woman from a monster and then they get to be kissing and married. It's about...

a summoning that part of us who's willing to step into the most God-awful darkness. That's why therapy is warfare. That's why, and I'm not trying to make light of anything martial arts. I've been on the mat bleeding because you are at the end of it doing whatever it takes to try to win.

to be triumphant, to be the victor, to leave with scars, but to leave to be the one who gets to go home. And there's a practice to that, and that practice is the therapeutic process. There is not, I ran a martial arts podcast called The Met. You can still find it. And I had the opportunity to interview everybody who was on my episode, was Hall of Famers, and the president of the Hall of Fame himself.

These are the nicest, most open, most honest, most real people because they're willing to play both sides. And you talk to any soldier who's really been in the thick of it. Last thing they wanna do is glorify it because it's horrific. But who's willing? Who dares wins. That's the art of war. And it is the...

Aaron (13:32.254)
the ancient Zen mastery, the ancient Buddhist and Shaolin and the monks of the Wudang who studied these forms, these are the ones who said outside noisy, inside empty. These are the ones who says at first the archer learns how to aim at their own heart. Right, that while this path of war ends up in a...

in a heaven of peace is because the more you learn traveling down the art of war, the less you fight, the less you have to prove until one day you experience the silence of peace and the emptiness because you faced it. I don't want to end this life with shiny armor. It's dented and bloodstained and it's worn and there's missing parts because I fought my battles.

I battled my addiction and 25 years later, every day, I have to take that sword and shield and face that desire to use. And the doubt I have after being sexually assaulted as a child and bullied and on and on, these holes do not go away and you don't fill them. You learn how to navigate life with an empty chair at the table. You don't pretend it's not there.

don't pretend it's not there. That's the way of warrior. That's what martial arts. But yeah, you're punching people, you're kicking people, and violence is the ultimate disconnect. Conflict is not. Learning how to...

to keep your heart, to keep your nervous system intact in the midst of conflict, that's the artistry of the martial way. Violence, that's the ultimate disconnect of humans. That's the worst thing we are. So yeah, that's there too.

Sue (15:35.241)
Wow. Oh my goodness. Okay. So that was a really prolific. And I feel like there's so much we need to touch on here. And I know you, you know, part of the work you do is the archetype, right? So I want to get into that with you and have you help us. But first, I want to backtrack for a moment. So for you personally,

Aaron (15:51.254)
Right, that's right. Please.

Sue (16:00.997)
You know, looking back on your childhood and then getting to this place of, I think peace and then being able to help others kind of find, you know, their own way. What do you think it was about you? What were you missing? What did you need? What was not there? I know you said you're, you didn't get it from your biological father, right? But

When you look back on it, what do you think it was?

Aaron (16:32.81)
Yeah, it's the easiest question in the world, because that was the moment of grace moment of grace on May 21 1998. It was love, just love. And and on that day after hitting my knees at the lowest point of my life and just saying, I'm not gonna stop killing myself, you have to stop me. I'm not gonna quit, you have to make me quit. I can't handle this. I'm not strong enough. You are. And at that point, I didn't care who I was talking to. I just needed a miracle.

because I had burnt everything to the ground. And this was in my brother's bedroom at my parents' house and he was doing great. He was off at college. He was doing everything he was supposed to do and I was living in his bedroom at 28 years old and just saying, I'm not gonna stop. You have to make me stop. And the next day I experienced the love of a stranger, the love from a divine source.

true divine love. And then when I, after those two experiences, when I told my mom and dad that I was an addict, I experienced the love of a father. I experienced my dad just saying to me very simply when I said, I'm an addict, he said, whatever you need, I'll do because I love you. And it was the first time I let it in.

My whole life since four years old, there it was. Love was all around me. It was always there. The love of a mentor at the 12 Steps, that stranger on the phone who says, "'Where are you? "'I'll come get you.'" When I called the 12 Steps rooms and said, "'I think I'm an addict.'" He didn't hesitate. There was no gap. I said, "'I think I'm an addict. "'When's the next meeting?' And he said, "'Where are you? "'I'll come get you.'" And it freaked me out because it was this wave of love. And then the answer to the miracle was just divine love.

feeling the universe, deity, whatever you want to call it, whatever you need to call it to experience the fact that you are loved, lovable, and loving. That's what I experienced. And it was enough to get me to my first meeting where someone loved me enough to physically grab me and yank me down in my chair and tell me to shut the fuck up and sit down and listen and maybe learn.

Aaron (19:00.258)
for once in my life. And I turned to swing on him. And he didn't budge. He wasn't afraid. He had my clock punched. And he became my sponsor. And he loved me enough to sit with me at a Perkins at 4 in the morning while I read my fourth step list, telling him what an awful, terrible person I was. And he grabbed my hands across the table, this biker, this bearded, fat.

Cato, hell, demon, soul who had killed his own grandmother so he could buy meth. Tell me he loved me. And it was love, and it was always love. And it's never anything but love. To love someone and to keep loving them no matter how dark and how shadowy it gets. That I knew that when that six-year-old came into my studio, my first student.

that I loved him enough to sit in his darkness with him and talk about suicide as an unafraid adult, not triggered to be with my own kids as they struggle with their own shit and love them and to demonstrate that love through trusting that they'll figure it out and to do whatever it takes. The same way my dad did for me, it always was love and it always will be love and someone loves you.

and you love someone until that someone loves themself enough to keep the love going and then realize that they have enough love for everybody else forever. And that's the message of martial arts. That's a message of therapy. That's a message of sobriety. That's the message. That is, that's what you have to communicate to a child who's struggling. I love you. That's it.

Sue (20:56.389)
Wow, that was so powerful. And I think you're so remarkable. And I just see and sense and feel all of the love and passion that you embody in the work you do and how you show up. And you said something so profound, I was gonna ask you and I wanted your feedback on this and have you speak more to this, but you said sitting in the darkness with them.

Like that's essentially what it takes. That's what people, that's how you're showing up and helping people.

Aaron (21:33.494)
You know, we had a therapist. She and I did not get along. She's highly, highly intelligent, really struggled with her own personality and her own ability to relate to other people. A very good therapist with teenagers. And that's why I hired her. I didn't hire her because I like her. I hired her because she was good with teenagers. And we argued a lot. We argued about process and we argued about her dog.

I watched a student storm out of her office on a family session and this student had a penchant for violence. This girl was in our facility, she had been abused horribly and she and her mom were fighting constantly and she had gotten physical on her mom many times, hospitalized her mom once, and was the type of person who would say and then act out, if you take myself from me, I'll kill myself.

like was willing to leverage anything to feel safe. So, this girl stomps out of the office, the therapist office and goes into a room and the therapist follows her in and the girl's screaming and I follow at a good 15 foot distance so that the girl doesn't see me following. I don't want to trigger her. She goes in her room and I stand outside. I'm not shocked. This is not a show of force time.

This is being there to protect my employee who's trying to protect a child. So I'm standing outside and it goes dead silent. I can hear the girl crying for a minute and then it's just silent, 10 minutes, it's silent. I peek in and the therapist is sitting in lotus position on the floor, not moving. The girl is facing the wall and I didn't know if the girl was asleep, but I didn't care because it was quiet and there was harmony. So I stopped peeking in.

Five minutes later, I heard the girl move and say, what are you doing? And I heard the therapist say.

Aaron (23:38.254)
I was just sitting here making sure that I was being just really centered in myself so that when you were ready, I could be here for you. Are you okay? And the girl burst into tears. I'm like, no, my mom and I always fight. Why do I do this? How come she does this? Are we ever gonna get better? And it was done. And all that therapist did was just sit.

She didn't talk, she didn't try to solve problems. She just stayed in that dark space and her nervous system was the strongest nervous system in the room. She just, she was just there. And it was the crucial moment of understanding what a martial artist, what an outdoor survivalist, what an emergency first responder can do, which are all three my hobbies.

martial arts, outdoor survival, emergency medicine, you have to have the strongest nervous system in the room. That's what makes you an authority. That's what makes you an ascension. That's what makes you an architect, the supreme archetype. That's what makes you an athlete. All the A's. Is you have the strongest nervous system in the room. When all around is dark and noisy, you're quiet and you are the light.

and you don't bring the light to others to heal them. They will heal when they're ready, but you stand there as a beacon of light in yourself. You connect to yourself. When COVID hit, I was terrified, and I had a business that relied on being connected to people, teenagers, other people's children. And then the arguments, is it real? Is it not real? Mass, don't mass. I don't care, but I, cause I don't trust other people innately.

I know why people do the things they do. That's the whole archetypal process is understanding why people make the decisions they make. And that has been my life's journey. But I don't trust that people know why they do the things they do. And so I have to be able to rely on something my own nervous system and being one who's had his nervous system damaged by trauma and abandonment and addiction and abuse. I have to know that I can center in myself.

Aaron (25:51.606)
You can call it self-centered. I call it centered in self. That therapist, we didn't get along, but man, in that moment when this violent girl was ready to pop in any direction, that therapist was the strongest nervous system in the room. She was untouchable, and it was brilliant. And that was the out loud lesson of

What I did during COVID was have the strongest nervous system. That's why our business survived. That's why we stayed open. Why I didn't have to send kids home. When parents disagreed with our decisions, when employees disagreed, I just very simply said, these are not our children. So this is what we're going to do. And there was no argument. And I didn't have to force my, this was not authority. This was a centered nervous system. And when I'm sitting with a mother and she's just discovered

a six month long suicide note that her child who just recently killed himself. And she shows me the suicide note and says, I can't read it. I need you to read it and break it down for me and understand so I can understand why, because I don't know why. I had to sit in that darkness for two months, reading a six month long suicide note, a daily multiple times a day journal entry on discord as to why he did what he did.

And understand that and to do that from a place of, I'm okay, I'm gonna be okay. No matter how traumatized, no matter how whatever we are doing, no matter what we're watching on TV or reading on Reddit, are you okay? And if not, can you step out of this experience? Can you go into what the samurai called the Mushin? No mind.

where you've practiced something enough that now you don't have to think about it, your body just does it, that's martial arts. That you practice dealing with conflict, with violence enough that now it no longer holds sway in your life and your nervous system is stronger. And so that way when you're on the shuttle to the airport and somebody gets on and they're like, oh my God, oh crap, no, please, that you don't check your ticket and watch, that you're okay.

Aaron (28:15.502)
Because you know that's what this path is about.

Sue (28:20.361)
Hmm. Wow. Okay. So let me ask you, you kind of, you answered this, but I want just more of your wisdom and insight on this. With parents who have these kids who are struggling and so often no judgment here, but it seems like, you know, a lot of times it's too late or they've completely gone off the deep end or, you know, it's a...

what's going on there. Essentially, the parents are not connected and talk to us about that. And like you showing up in this way, being so heavily connected, I also, I'm asking you multiple questions here, but before I forget, you have to tell us, you know, what we can do, how we become more like you, the samurai.

Aaron (29:15.886)
So, and thank you for saying that and I appreciate it. Look, first of all, let's clarify the words. It's never too late, but the reason why it feels too late is because you're parenting, you're mapping this situation from the three Fs, fear, fatigue, or fury. Not frustration, fury, right? Survival brain, the lizard brain, the six F, fight, flight, freeze, faint, fornicate, feed. That's a lizard's life.

That's all a lizard does. I just said everything they do. Fight, flight, freeze, faint, fornicate, feed. That's our limbic brain in survival mode. And when our children are struggling to survive, we go with them. Now mind you, and Sue, this is the most important thing. I never said healthiest nervous system wins. I said strongest. And oftentimes, that two-year-old in the cereal aisle who's having a full tilt meltdown,

The entire grocery store knows it's going on. Why? Because that two-year-old has the strongest nervous system in the grocery store. Not healthiest. In fact, the healthiest one is the per, you know who taught me this lesson beautifully was Dr. Patch Adams. He was my first mentor. And he showed us an exercise, and we had to go out with a clown nose, just one of those cheap foam clown noses. And...

and spend the break we had one hour and he said go out where this clown knows pump gas go to the grocery store buy your lunch get coffee with the clown knows do nothing different except where the clown knows and track your impact. So I'm in a grocery store and a kid is having a meltdown he's standing there yanking on his mom's hand leaning away from her.

and she's pulling back on him and sees our Milan will tell you that the moment you lean away from your dog and the dog leans away from you. It's a tug of war game and the dog thinks you're playing right. And that's why you got to lean into the dog instead of leaning away. So this mom's leaning away the kids leaning away. He's reaching for the aisle full tilt meltdown and I'm standing at the end of the aisle and I'm just looking at the kid and the kid goes. And sees me and goes.

Aaron (31:34.413)
And just starts to smile.

And the mom looks down at the kid who suddenly stops screaming and looks up at me. And I'm just standing there. I'm not goofing around. I'm just looking at the child. The kid's got a full tilt smile on and the mom looks at me and mouths the words. Oh my God. Thank you. That was it. Strongest nervous system wins strongest nervous system wins. Parents, spouses, partners, anybody you're at work and your boss is being an a-hole strongest nervous system wins.

There are six things, I'm sorry, there are five things you can do to strengthen your nervous system and God bless them, they're all free. Sleep, you gotta sleep better. I will tell you, I did an interview with a sleep expert. It's not about what time you go to bed, it's about what time you wake up. Ritualize your morning, sleep. How much sleep do you need? Whatever amount of sleep you need. That's an individual thing, but you gotta sleep. Number two, water.

We all know we don't drink enough water. Drink more water. You know it, no comment. You know it, go do it. Number three, nutritious food. You have two options for nutritious food. You either cook or you buy organic. But it's organic or it's magic. It's organic or it's magic. It's magic because you cooked it or it's organic because you bought the good stuff. But nutrition.

4.

Aaron (33:03.926)
Move your body. Sitting is the new smoking. You know it. You know what you need. Go do it. Move your body. And five, breathing on purpose. This one's important. Not because we all need to be Buddhist monks, but because we will never be successful accidentally. And consciousness begins with a conscious breath. Just like that. Everybody do it right now.

Aaron (33:34.839)
Congratulations, you're in your prefrontal cortex. And that's where strong nervous systems begins. Those are your five habits, sleep, water, nutrition, movement, breathing on purpose. That's it. That's how you heal your nervous system. Those five things do it. Start now. It's free. You don't need a YouTube video.

Strongest nervous system wins. You want your house back, strongest nervous system. Want your marriage back, strongest nervous system. Need to get out of your marriage, strongest nervous system. Need to quit, need to start your own company, strongest nervous system. In the middle of a potential dangerous, violent situation, strongest nervous system. Oh, you're lost in the woods, strongest nervous system. Your nervous system, your cortisol levels, the brain chemistry behind your nervous system, that's your key. Strongest nervous system wins. My only gift.

from everything I've trained is that I can stand in the middle of a crisis and have the strongest nervous system. That's why people think I'm a leader. I happen to think I'm a pretty terrible manager of people. But no matter what's going on, I can rely on my nervous system.

Aaron (34:48.002)
God do I love the sound of my voice. I'm sorry, I just keep talking.

Sue (34:52.801)
You've shared so much profoundness with us. So let me ask you.

What are you meditating on a daily basis? Are you doing breath work? What are you doing? What is that look? Cause I mean, come on, you gotta be doing something. I know you gave us the five, but to really tap in the way you are and to get to a point where you're not reactive and you can stay calm and like an all out, you know, panic situation.

Aaron (35:02.338)
God no.

Aaron (35:22.434)
Sue, I love you because that is the question that everybody ends up here with, that this energy, this experience that I'm relating is not something that I have and you need. That's the part of the work with the parents and the work with a girl who's been trafficked and a boy who's attempted suicide and a kid who can't, won't stop using drugs, is that you can only see in me what you see in yourself. If you're listening to this podcast and you're like...

I get that then you have it. If you spot it, you got it. That's that's clean that this is that this is why this 12th step the message of hope has to be free. Right? There's plenty of stuff I charge for man buy my book. All right, buy it buy my book on archetypes why people do the things they do the four prime personalities and why people do everything. Why they make decisions the way they do buy it when it comes out. It's

Buy my book on parenting a teen that struggles with video game dependency. Buy my parenting masterclass. You can buy that, but honest to God, if you spot it, you got it. The work begins with recognizing that it's not about being better, it's about giving up the struggle to be different from who you are. That's the part of this, of all this work, of enlightenment, of wisdom, of...

Do I meditate? I am way too ADHD to meditate. So today I took my sticks out and I went and banged on a tree outside in the backyard here in Merida, Mexico for 20 minutes and I just banged on it doing my Kali pattern work, right? And tomorrow maybe I'll do some Tai Chi or maybe I'll sit on my butt all day having to do podcasts and do my own episodes and do some client work and my back will be stiff.

But the point is then what? Right, here's going back to that archetypal story of the dragon, the warrior, and the princess. You got a village, that's your body. That's what the village is, the realm. That's what the kingdom, the castle represents in that story is you. A dragon attacks. This dragon came from nowhere. This dragon is an archetypal external shadow, external locus of control.

Aaron (37:46.366)
Something you can't, something you couldn't fight, something you couldn't beat. The fires. I never thought my facility would be shut down because of climate change or because of forest fires. I never thought.

But it did. None of us ever thought we would shut down the world for three years because of a global pandemic. None of us had that in our five-year business plan. To utilize one of the Bible myths. Jesus went to the temple and there's the money changers and he starts flipping over tables and chasing people around with a whip. Remember, this is the Prince of Peace we're talking about. And he's whipping people.

Like we're gonna F this up. We're gonna screw up, we're gonna mess up, we're gonna forget that we need to drink enough water and breathe on purpose and that we won't be successful on accident. We're not accidentally gonna be good parents or successful business entrepreneurs or really good at marriage. Those aren't accidents. But we forget purpose and we go into accidental breathing to keep our heart beating, to keep our marriage alive.

to keep our kids fed. So it just requires moments of waking up. And when you have a moment, take a moment. Because that's all you get is that moment. But here's the good news, there's another one. Right now, did you miss it? Here's another one. Right now, did you miss it? Here's another one. And that's all this is. That's what we mean in recovery by one day at a time. Don't ask me if I'm gonna be sober tomorrow. 25 years of sobriety, I will not give you an answer about tomorrow, but I can tell you about

Today at 3.45. I'm sober so far. But don't ask me about tonight because all I'm giving you is this moment. But I got another one coming. What am I gonna do with it? And for those of us who have been traumatized, who've been sexually assaulted, for those of us who've been abandoned and abused or dealt with addiction.

Aaron (39:53.878)
Now what? Like either.

we create what's happening next, or what's happening next is created for us. The dragon is the evidence and the proof. Sometimes we're not in control and it hurts. It can hurt bad, it can hurt for life. And it takes the princess. You see, the princess in that archetypal story represents innocence, the future, right? Because the princess is supposed to inherit the body.

and the princess who can skip around town and everybody knows and she'll steal a cookie. But of course the baker isn't gonna say anything. This is the princess. This is our innocence. This is our playful nature of hope. The princess's name is Esperanza, hope. And she gets taken by this dragon. We lose our innocence and it destroys the crops and kills the cattle. You know, how we feed ourselves, how we nurture ourselves. That's what trauma does, is it takes away our ability to nurture ourselves.

And then it steals the gold and the gems and the diamonds, you know, our self worth, our value. And it abscends to a cave at the top of some frozen mountain somewhere in the, and so what do we do with King and Queen and everybody, oh my God, the princess, and we build our castle walls higher. You know, we raise our defensive, we become defensive, so to protect ourselves and we start to close ourselves in.

And maybe the dragon won't come back. Of course, the dragon comes back. It's the archetypal shadow, and we have no control over the dragon. And so it shows up, and the Facebook's filled with war and politics and adults bullying each other, because none of us agree, and it's back, and here's the dragon, and our trauma, oh God, remember that first time. And so what do we do? We build the walls even higher, and we set guards out 24 seven, hyper vigilance. Now we're always looking out for trauma.

Aaron (41:56.906)
And we're always ready for it to show up and take more from us. And some of us even set out sacrifices, right? We compromise our belief system in hopes that the dragon will take what we give it rather than just take what it wants. And the dragon does show up again. And it takes what we give it and whatever it wants, because that's the nature of trauma. That's the nature of the dragon.

40 years later, it steals your marriage because you're triggered into something that your father did or did not do, that your mother said or did not say. And it never changes. You become known as the realm as the village with a dragon until the king and queen prefrontal cortex right and left hemispheres of your brain, your own masculine and feminist side working together in balance, saying, we need a warrior.

Someone show up for us, someone show up for this body, this realm, someone to represent our value system, our virtue, and that warrior from afar shows up. We call it from the deepest part of ourselves, courage beyond courage. We don't even know where it came from. We're just like, I'm done. I'm done with this dragon, enough. And that warrior makes the climb. That warrior enters the cave.

And it is shields up and swords out and it frees the princess and the two of them work together To battle that dragon back into the darkest smallest recesses of the cave to make sure that this trauma understands We're in charge not you. This is my life. Not yours. I gave you 40 years. You do not get one more minute And that's the future of the realm is that because what happens right?

the warrior and the princess, they get married and everybody lives happily ever after. As long as the warrior and the princess learn how to turn that dragon into an ally. And it's that moment through therapy, martial arts, whatever, that our wound becomes the way, the pain becomes the path, the tears become the trail, the wreckage becomes the resume, and that mess makes us the messenger. That's the way of the warrior.

Aaron (44:13.55)
unafraid of our past. Regret. Oh my God, do I have regrets. My armor is battered and broken. But I gotta wear those scars proudly so that the other people who scarred, we can stand up and compare those rites of passage and say, me too. I got your back.

Sue (44:35.737)
So that was out of this world. And now Erin, you do realize the average person can't do this or can't just show up in this way, right? So what is your guidance to us to let go of ego and be able to surrender in this powerful space of beingness and how you speak about it so prolifically?

Aaron (45:01.682)
All I have over anybody else is the ability to tell you the story in a prolific way. But I can also tell you that for the past week I've struggled to get up and go to the gym and to keep my routine going. That we do all have it. That that warrior, the wizard, that jester, that bard, that king, queen, that healer is us. It's not about being better. It's about giving up the struggle to be this thing that the dragon caused us.

And if we really need the step one, it's your nervous system. The king and queen are terrified when they lose the princess. It's over. The realm's done. Until they finally sit down and regroup and say, we got this, we have to, we have to. And you make a list.

You record your voice saying every day in every way, my life gets better and better. And you listen to it over and over. You let Bob Proctor say that for you. You do something different today than you did yesterday. That you take your nervous system back, the five free, sleep, water, food, movement, breathing on purpose. And if that doesn't work, if we're still struggling, then I want you to back off even more and do what we call the one a day.

And this is what we use for kids and adults with depression and anxiety. Do one thing. And I don't care. This is the hard part. This really is the hard part. I don't care how insignificant you think it is, because you're not thinking right. You've got stinking thinking. So one thing different today. What's it going to be? I got a kid I'm working with and, you know, he's done.

He's done being an addict, but we're doing a harm reduction model because cold turkey would kill him. So we're not going to do it. We're doing harm reduction. So his process was one thing today that you didn't do yesterday. You're going to do it today. And he goes, I don't know. I'll drink an extra glass of water. I said, great. You're done. Rest of the day can look like every day does, but today you drank an extra glass of water. Next day, Texas drank my water. I said, great. What are you doing today? He goes, I'm going to fold my clothes.

Aaron (47:14.818)
So done, great, fold your clothes and you're done for the day. She sends me a picture of his folded clothes. Next day, what are you gonna do today? And he goes, a pushup. Like I can tell, he's testing me one thing a day. I don't care, one pushup does one pushup. He's done for the day. He goes back to bed and smokes pot. I don't care. Two weeks later, he says to me, hey, I joined a gym yesterday. Because that's how it always goes.

Because at some point, one a day, even if you stuck to it, that's 365 things you did in a year differently than you did the year before. That's change. But what happens is our body goes, man, this feels good. I'm gonna do a little bit. I'm doing two pushups today. And if you wanna add a little extra challenge, don't repeat what you do. Write something different each day. Two weeks later.

I'm gonna join a gym. Now I still, to this day, get pictures of him at the gym. The dude is cut. The dude looks sick. Dude had his testosterone tested. And at age 18.

Sue (48:19.897)
Mm. Aaron, I think I lost you for a second. It kind of froze up.

Aaron (48:24.319)
Can you still hear me? OK.

Sue (48:25.637)
I can hear you now, yeah. So you get pictures of him at the gym.

Aaron (48:29.458)
I get pictures of him at the gym and the dude is cut every single day. He's doing the work, his testosterone levels in the three months that we've been working together. He's 18. His testosterone level should be in the 700s. He was down in the 240. That's a 58 year old man's testosterone level. He's already up in the 500s from three months of at the gym. But see change.

is a little by little one thing, one thing. So we start there. If that's even too much, then just make a single phone call to someone and just say, help.

Start there and make sure it's a person who can sit in your darkness. Because sometimes that's all you need is just to know you're not alone. And that someone while they're sitting in their darkness, maybe they whisper, I love you. And if you need that to be me, call me and I'll say, I love you. We'll sit in your darkness. But you just start.

Sue (49:36.845)
Now, you know, there's a level of humility with the work you're doing and the transformations that people are having with the work, with you showing up. So few people are willing to sit in their own darkness, let alone someone else's. So what do you make of this for you personally? What has this work done for you on a soul level?

Aaron (50:04.258)
God, thank you for asking that on a soul level. My drug use was largely to get as close to the gods, the old ones and the new ones, and out of this world and into theirs as much as possible. Spiritually, I replaced emotional growth with spiritual growth, and truly became a spiritual narcissist, looking for superiority through spiritual understanding.

And funny enough, that ends up in a spiritual awakening, which the result of is humility. I can't handle this. You gotta handle it for me, right? That's what we say, you let go and you let God, whatever God is for you, don't care what it means to you. Know what it means to me, trust me, it's probably different than what it means to you. But you learn how to let go. And that's the ultimate humility, is that you stop thinking that this life is on your terms.

but you have to write your part of this life, in this life, for this life, right? It's you that you gotta write for, not the world. What I get out of all these years of work is just the awareness that there's work to be done. That's the big punchline, is that I don't float around on a purple pillow. Like I poop sitting down just like everybody else, and living in Mexico, I've been pooping more and more.

because sometimes I brush my teeth and forget I'm not supposed to use the water in the faucet. Right? And that's the reality of human, of just being human. But it's the awareness and saying, huh, this is happening. Here's a perfect example. Men use this excuse a lot. Men in recovery, fathers, all of that. Well, when I was a kid, I wasn't taught how to cry or show emotions.

My response is, oh, do you know that?

Aaron (52:03.874)
So then what? So you know it. What are you? So you know it and that's it. You say that and that's it. That's your effing excuse. Awareness is the first step. The second step is change. You start the process. But I will tell you, Sue, and I say this humbly and absolutely transparently, I got on with chat GPT two days ago and I said, I need you to act like my Jungian analyst.

And I want you to apply Jungian psychology and archetypal symbolism to me. And I downloaded and invented an entire over-dramatic vampire experience that I'm going through with some work I'm doing. I'm sick, I don't like the work, my body's in pain, I'm not liking the people I'm working with, on and on and on. And what chat GPT kicked back to me?

sat me back on my heels. And I later got on the phone with my coach and said, So here's what I did. And here's what I got. And my coach took it to a whole nother level. And today has felt like a brand new day. This is not about being enlightened. This is about holding on to those moments of enlightenment as long as possible, and then shorten the gap between those moments.

looking for that next one, right? This is not, you know what guru means to me? G-U-R-U, that's what it means to me. And the past week, I just came out of a bout of depression, traveling all over Mexico, coming to see my kid to become a grandfather for the first time, and being that mobile nomad work from remote on the road.

having the camper van on and I was depressed. And it was very situational because it was triggering this no root no home stuff and it was wearing on me it was wearing on my body and I was missing it because I was in it forest and trees right too close. And I'll be damned if it wasn't chat GPT So I didn't even have to go

Aaron (54:24.066)
have someone sit in my darkness for a minute. I just had to be able to relate the darkness to an artificial intelligence that went, here's some things you should consider. And I was like, holy God, this thing's right. And I did. And it sat me back on my heels to go, okay. And all it meant, all of it, the next day with my coach, today with my sticks out on the tree, is that I'm awake again, just for a minute. I'll fall back asleep. We all do, we get tired.

So just keep waking up. Just keep waking up. You got another moment. Don't worry if you miss it. Here's another one.

Sue (55:06.269)
Wow, that is truly just so much food for thought. There are so many insights. So a couple of things, first and foremost, you have been so, really you've shared so much wisdom. And I know people are gonna have so many takeaways from all of what you've shared. I feel like we're just kind of scratched the surface here and like.

There's so much more to you and your story, and we didn't even get into the archetypes. So I would love to have you back and do this again at some point, if that's something you're open to.

Aaron (55:43.598)
Sue, you're asking me to come back and talk more? Let me see, I'll think about it. Yes, please. Thank you so much for the offer. I would love the opportunity. Thank you.

Sue (55:53.693)
Oh, that is amazing. Well, you have been so incredible. I'm gonna have links to all of your stuff for people. I am just so honored and delighted to have had this time with you and just so moved and touched by you, your wisdom and the work you do. And in closing, you've already said a million amazing things, but in closing, if there were just one message, your hope for everybody, what is that closing message you wanna leave us with?

Aaron (56:21.198)
I want to say part of the path of healing yourself and other people is learning how to practice saying four letters over and over and over. And I figured this one out a long time ago working with teens in our residential program because they would be living with us for at least four months at a time. And this got me through so many scrapes, so many struggles, so many tussles, physical, emotional, spiritual, financial.

Mental and it was something that again was solidified by that therapist who was sitting in lotus position while that girl Was deciding whether or not to be violent and That's being able to say four letters to myself and to others are you Okay

The answer may be yes, the answer may be no, but just be with the answer. Just be with it. And if you're asking yourself, if you're talking to the mirror, be with it. Because that's the first of martial arts and therapeutic process, the way of the samurai. That's the first of understanding, is being willing to be uncomfortable with the answer.

Aaron (57:41.994)
Life is uncomfortable and no great change comes without pain. So it's discomfort that we must approach. It's the path hidden in the weeds that we must walk. Those weeds are uncomfortable. We forget that weeds are also medicinal, but they might sting at first. Are you okay? Is the entry to the healing.

Are you okay? And for everybody who's listening, are you okay? Say that to your spouse, your partner, your child. Say that to your boss, your coworker. Say that to your parents. And then shut up. Say it to the mirror and shut up. Just be with what comes up next. Congratulations, your enlightenment has begun. That's it, is being with that moment.

whatever it brings, the what is of the world is answered. Are you okay is asked.

Sue (58:51.293)
What a powerful closing message. You have been so amazing.

Thank you so much. It was such an honor and a delight. Thank you.