Something Extra

Healing, Growth, and the Power of Practice w/ Dr. Rachel Glik

• Technology Partners • Episode 333

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Dr. Rachel Glik, licensed professional counselor and author of A Soulful Marriage explores how the skills for building lasting, loving relationships, starting with self-love and responsibility, can be learned and practiced by anyone, not just couples. Dr. Glik shares her personal journey from sensitive child to renowned marriage counselor, emphasizing that strong relationships with ourselves and others are foundational to effective leadership and a fulfilling life. Whether you’re single, married, or simply seeking to deepen your connections, this episode offers practical wisdom and hope for anyone ready to grow.

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Credits: 
Host: Lisa Nichols
Executive Producer: Jenny Heal
Marketing Support: Landon Burke and Joe Szynkowski
Podcast Engineer: Portside Media

Lisa Nichols  00:02
Chromosomes, little strands of nucleic acids and proteins are the fundamental genetic instructions that tell us who we are. At birth, most people are born with 46 chromosomes, but each year in the United States, about 6000 people are born with an extra chromosome, making them a person with Down syndrome. If you've ever encountered someone with Down syndrome, you know that they are some of the kindest, most joyful people you will ever meet. They truly have something extra. 

My name is Lisa Nichols, and for 30 years, I have been both the CEO of Technology Partners and the mother to Ally. Ally has something extra in every sense of the word. I have been blessed to be by her side as she impacts everyone she meets. Through these two important roles as CEO and mother to Ally, I have witnessed countless life lessons that have fundamentally changed the way I look at the world. While you may not have an extra chromosome, every leader has something extra that defines who you are. 

Join me as I explore the something extra in leaders from all walks of life and discover how that difference in each of them has made a difference in their companies, their families, their communities and in themselves. If you like this episode today, please go to Apple Podcast or wherever you listen and leave us a five-star rating. 

I'm excited to have Dr. Rachel Glik on the show today. Dr. Glik is a licensed professional counselor and author of a soulful marriage Well, Rachel, welcome to the Something Extra Podcast. I am so delighted that we were able to make this work with our crazy schedules.

Rachel Glik  01:37
Me too. I'm so appreciative. I'm looking so forward to it. 

Lisa Nichols  01:41
Well, you know, I always love to tell our listeners, kind of how I connect to my guest. And so, you and Jeff have been in YPO with Greg and I now for years, and I remember a long time ago. Gosh, I mean, Rachel, this has got to be more than 20 years ago being in a dine around with you guys.

Rachel Glik  02:01
Wow, with you goes way back, doesn't it? 

Lisa Nichols  02:04
It goes way back. But we haven't aged any.

Rachel Glik  02:08
Of course not. Well, only on the only on our hopefully our wisdom and our hearts.

Lisa Nichols  02:13
That is right, hopefully there, for sure. But you and I reconnected recently, and after finding out more about what you were doing, we were like, We should do this podcast together. So, I'm really excited, and I know that you just had a book released in February called "Soulful Marriage: Healing Your Relationship With Responsibility, Growth, Priority, Purpose". And I cannot wait to dig into that. And I know it's opened up a whole new world for you, right? You were just telling me you've been invited on to what NBC, you said?

Rachel Glik  02:51
Yes, in Rockefeller Center. it was fun.

Lisa Nichols  02:55
And it's opened up a whole new world of writing for The Wall Street Journal. And you know, I mean the things that you talk about in the book, and we'll get into this, Rachel. I mean, you primarily focus on marriage, but as I'm like reading the book and digging in, the things that you talk about really can transfer to other relationships as well.

Rachel Glik  03:16
Absolutely, it's probably the number one. One of the top feedback comments I'm getting is this is so relevant for the people I work with, for my family relationships, for my friendships, and that makes sense. And when I go through the four you know what's in the book? And I think that's absolutely relevant at a different scale, of course, because the marriage is the most you know, intimate in obvious ways.

Lisa Nichols  03:41
Right. No, for sure. So, I just know that whether a listener is single or married, or if you got relationships in your life, this is going to help you. I really do believe that. And you know, this is a leadership podcast, Rachel, but truly, I've had so many leaders on that talk about what goes on in your personal life. Whether we want to believe that or not, affects how we show up in the marketplace as well. 

Rachel Glik  04:13
Absolutely, yes. 

Lisa Nichols  04:17
Well, before we get into, I want to dig in, but before we get into that, I'd love for you just to tell me a little bit about your family, your background, you know, anything you want to talk about growing up. I mean, would you like to do as a little girl? Did you think you were going to be in this line of work when you were little? Who did you want to be when you were little? 

Rachel Glik  04:36
That's such a good question. Well, at the core the I knew at a very young age that, that something had to be done for the suffering in the world. I'm a sensitive soul from the get go, and when I saw a witness, I witnessed something of I saw someone being humiliated in public. And I just that was the just became like imprinted in my mind that something has to be done. But I took a circuitous route to become a psychotherapist and a marriage counselor, because I was, I got messages that I'm too sensitive, I shouldn't deal with people's problems. So, I went into industrial organizational psychology. Got my master's there I was on my way almost with my doctorate and a series of mishaps. You know, like negative encounters in the workplace happened, but really it was just a sign that I needed to rethink my path. 

Rachel Glik  05:27
And so I went, I took a detour, and went into training and development, because I really cared about the people. And before you know it, I took a counseling class, and I'm like, I want to help heal people who have trauma, like I'm ready to get in there. And so really, it was a matter of learning to harness my sensitivity versus avoid my sensitivity. So, so that, that, and I always, I think, from a young age, felt there was something else and something bigger presence, meaning in life. I would look up at the sky and, and I would see the moon. I'm like, What are we? We're on this earth. What are we like? What are we doing like this search for existential understanding. And so, I would say my spiritual path started at a very young age, and so that's when I was able to blend the two as a, you know, getting my doctorate in counseling, finding the wisdom of Kabbalah. We started studying with the Kabbalah Center 20 years ago, my husband and I, and it just like it just spoke to us. And then I was able to blend the two spiritual wisdom and what we know about marriage and individual healing and human, you know, psychology and it's, it's really a beautiful blend, powerful. 

Lisa Nichols  06:40
I love that. I love what you just said about as a little girl, you were sensitive. People would tell you that you're too sensitive. 

Rachel Glik  06:48
All the time. 

Lisa Nichols  06:50
But literally, that is how you were wired. That is, that's what was put inside of you, right? And so, I love you leaning into that. Because, listen, if you're not sensitive person, you probably shouldn't be in counseling. 


Rachel Glik  07:04
Exactly. It was just a matter of finding the right place for my unique soul.

Lisa Nichols  07:11
Sure. No, it totally makes sense. Well, in the beginning of the book, I love this. I love what you said about this, Rachel. You said, in the beginning of the book, you said, if you could influence school curriculum, there are two mandates that essential mandates and life skills that you would have. Them include, and I love this. The first one is.

Rachel Glik  07:36
The first one is that starting as early as preschool to learn active listening skills and to really learn how to make someone know you hear them.

Lisa Nichols  07:48
I agree. I've had another listening expert on the podcast. Her name's Christine miles. She has spent her whole life learning about listening, but was doing it in the marketplace, at workplaces, and helping people. But it was interesting Rachel, because a couple years ago she was here, she, she doesn't live in St. Louis, and she was in town. And I took her to Junior Achievement, and I want you to go meet Lori Jacob at Junior Achievement because in my mind, I feel like children need to learn these skills. And so, you know, what's really cool, she is like, now, come up with a whole curriculum for elementary age kids that she's teaching the listening path, because it's beautiful. It's so important, right to develop those listening skills. And I know you talk a lot about that, even in your, your pillars that we're going to talk about. But what's the other one? 

Rachel Glik  08:49
So, the second one is that starting maybe little bit later, like elementary, middle school, high school and onward, that you learn what it takes to create a lasting, loving relationship. It's a trainable skill, and especially your relationship with yourself starting with that.

Lisa Nichols  09:07
I love that. I love what you just said about that, that it's a trainable skill. So, even if there are issues there, I mean, it's something that we can move the needle on Rachel, and that that should give everybody, I know, it gives me hope. It should give people hope, right? And it's not really something seriously, I don't think, I mean, hopefully, you know, many of us have had great role models, and even if that, we haven't really, necessarily been trained. 

Rachel Glik  09:39
We're not trained. It's really uncanny, how or illogical, because whatever we're trained in, whatever we handle casually or winging it, we just don't do very well. And we expect ourselves to either watch what we saw that we liked or what we didn't like and just kind of play it by ear. My husband and I learned that early on, that you know that that doesn't work, that you really need to identify and learn like communication skills. You need to learn how to deal with your own triggers and what comes up when you feel, feel like you're just regulated or feeling insecure or angry, or there's just so there's so many facets to creating a relationship that really is fulfilling. And like you said, with leadership, it is the foundation a strong relationship with ourself and a strong relationship with a significant other in our lives gives us so much strength and so much grounding as a platform for everything else that we want to do. 

Lisa Nichols  10:41
Yes, that's so beautiful. Well, let's talk about this. So, which you said you've been working on this book for 10 years?

Rachel Glik  10:51
Yes. I mean, my husband jokes me. It was started the minute we got married, you know, like, which was 36 years ago, almost 37. But really it was about 10 years ago, where I was like, I think I'm onto something that is the pain of finishing a session with a couple. And the magic of what happened and how creative and how so many shifts and light bulbs and breakthroughs that just that it was just between two, the three of us. And how many more people I can't, you know that I want, that I hope to reach, that I hope can be reached with how much better they can create their life and their relationship, to be so. And then I would pick it up and put it down and pick it up and put it down for lots of different reasons, self-doubt or just the commitment that I knew it was going to take. You know, the fear of loss of freedom. Will people want to read it? You just like, you know, it's a very vulnerable thing to step out of your zone of what you're comfortable with. It is still so scary to do.

Lisa Nichols  11:49
Right. But, you know, I love that you had the courage, the why is bigger than the fear. Rachel is what I would say.

Rachel Glik  11:59
That's exactly what happened. And it was, it was, it was a especially after October 7, with the world needs more harmony, needs more light, needs more, and I realized, like, if I'm not doing my part. Then I'm only contributing to the darkness, like I have to go out of my zone and really see what I can do in my own world. And that, that breaking through of the fear. My why was bigger, no doubt about it.

Lisa Nichols  12:24
Yes. Agreed, agreed. Well, you know, in the book, you say, sadly. You know, American Psychological Association estimates the probability of first marriage ending in divorce, and about 41% but I love that it doesn't have to be this way. And again, we're going to talk about your four pillars, and I want to dig into each of those. But one of the things that you say throughout the book, the word that I honed in on, Rachel, was practice. Practice. And we have to practice these things. We can't just and we can't just magically read a book like soulful marriage and then say, Oh, everything's going to be better. We have to practice these things. And, you know, I, like I said, I think it should give us all hope that it can be different. But you know, the first pillar, and I'd love for you to dig into this, and you've already kind of mentioned the self-love, but you know, it's responsibility is the first pillar. We're responsible for our own happiness, well-being. We can't expect someone else to be the answer to our happiness. They simply cannot, they can't do it, and that places a tremendous pressure on the other person. Does it not?

Rachel Glik  13:43
Yes, absolutely. And one that they that really is an unachievable you know, at the beginning of a relationship, it feels like you know you can be riding the energy that where someone is outside of us is making us so happy and so fulfilled. But ultimately nobody can hold your North Star, so to speak. You know, where eventually they'll it won't, they'll drop it or, or it just won't taste as that, that fulfillment that you were getting from somebody outside of you, eventually you have to face yourself.

Lisa Nichols  14:13
Right. We're going to spend some time there. You know, Rachel, I was thinking about, when I was reading, I was thinking about that movie. And I love the movie. I love "Jerry Maguire". There is a line in there that is always bothered me a little bit, and it's the one that's quoted the most. It says, "You complete me." And I'm like, really? I mean, do we come to the relationship as I have of a person? No, we don't, we can't expect that person. Can our life be more fulfilling? Can we do more good in the world? Absolutely, we can be better together, right?

Rachel Glik  14:54
Yes. And it's a kind of a matter of semantics, of how you view that, like if you view that, You complete me. As that I am not already whole, and that I'm not responsible for creating my own connection to my source and to my own you know, like what makes me light up. And then it can seem as if we're dependent on someone else, or we're not whole ourselves. But there is also something about the power of when we do from a spiritual perspective, there is something about two souls coming together that creates a wholeness that we can't do on our own either, and although you know you can fulfill and have a very meaningful life as a single person. So, I'm not saying that, but there is something about a soul connection that can happen, but it's not like they're filling you, and they are responsible for who you are and what makes you whole. Absolutely, not.

Lisa Nichols  15:51
I completely agree. Well, let's dig into a few of these, because there's these practices, if you will, within that pillar, and there's several of them, so there's self-love, self-awareness, self-care, self-development. Can you, you know, and we always hear about this, you know, because sometimes people think, oh, self-care is selfish. But he I'm sure you hear that sometimes that feels selfish to do something for myself. But the reality is, and we hear it all the time, you can't pour from an empty cup. How can you pour? How can you be the best version of you for your children if you're not taking care of yourself, right? So, you know, can you can you dig into a few of these? And I love the self-awareness thing, because I think this one is super important.

Rachel Glik  16:41
Yes. That's why it is the first one, the of the four the that make up taking responsibility for your own happiness, well, being, of these four elements of that we practice at it. But the self-awareness is the beginning of without having like a insight or self-reflection and getting to know yourself what, what it is that lights you up, where you have fears, where you have insecurities, how you like to be talked to, what maybe about your history is blocking you from true intimacy? I'm just like you know, whatever just comes to into my mind. Where do you feel a sense of calling in your life? What do you know makes you feel really fulfilled and sense of joy, what makes you feel warm and safe and connected, just like, where do you get selfish? Where is it that you limit your thoughts about yourself? Like all the things that help us really check in with who we are and what helps us to live authentically and luck with who feels really true. Being true to ourself is such a powerful foundation and really connecting with somebody else. And so that's, that's why it's just, it's an ongoing thing too. We continually want to be surprised that, oh, I didn't realize that about myself. I didn't realize I was doing that, or I didn't realize I thought that. I didn't realize I loved that, or I stopped loving that interesting. Just constantly check in with oneself.

Lisa Nichols  18:00
I mean Rachel, I, I think that. I mean and myself included in this, sometimes we just don't take the time. We don't take the time to, to really be introspective like this. I don't think, you know?

Rachel Glik  18:17
It definitely requires slowing down and being still. And, you know, like, when I journal, I like, say hi friend has been a little while. You know, like, like you're talking to a friend inside that you need to make sure that you don't neglect the relationship but it's true. It's, it's like, what people consider maybe a soft skill, that kind of more emotional. Being emotionally intelligent means, first and foremost, self-aware. And that makes such a difference in being a leader or being any, any influence of any kind in a positive way, is really to, to know oneself. 

Lisa Nichols  18:48
I agree, and I've had, you know, I don't know, 330 episodes of something extra, and I cannot tell you how many leaders I've had on, Rachel. That will say the emotional intelligence is every bit as important, if not the most important thing, over the skills and competencies that a leader brings to the table.

Rachel Glik  19:12
Yes, and I kind of see marriage, or maybe it's the other way around. But mostly that marriage can be a like fertile soil to learn emotional intelligence. Because all through the book, the qualities that I'm recommending to become trained in, the habits, the patterns and the communication, the listening, it all is pointing, the empathy, all points toward becoming more emotionally intelligent about yourself and about your beloved. And then you, you can, you just, it softens you in a, in a way that is like when you talk about vulnerability, which is when, when you did that YPO thing, was just, it was brilliant. It's like, the vulnerability is such a powerful tool. It's like, as we remove the layers of the ego, and we get to our essence and how we're all the same. And then when we come from that powerful place, people like their, their guard comes down. And so, we can really use our relationships to practice that everywhere, and then it makes us more effective. And, and, and all the other influential relationships in our lives. 

Lisa Nichols  20:21
Agreed. Well, and we'll talk about this more, but it's Rachel, even in the midst of conflict, you know? And I think growth, growth is the next pillar. And you talk about friction in conflict and relationship, you know, it's inevitable. But what you just said, truly that fertile soil for growing that. I mean, it's a mindset shift to go, yes, there's conflict, but I'm going to reframe this and look at this as a way to grow in emotional intelligence, right? It's a complete mind shift, you know? 

Rachel Glik  21:03
No, that's exactly right. So, would you like to go on to that pillar? Or do you want me…

Lisa Nichols  21:10
I would, I would love for you talking about more and then soulful communication, you know. And you've already kind of talked about communication, but there's a quote by Franklin D Roosevelt that I love "A smooth sea never made a good sailor." So, smooth seas are not, I mean, it does it feel more comfortable? Absolutely, it does. You know, we don't like pain, right, as individuals.

Rachel Glik  21:40
We're wired.

Lisa Nichols  21:40
We're wired to avoid it.

Rachel Glik  21:43
Stay away from pain. 

Lisa Nichols  21:44
Right. So, dig into this a little bit, and maybe even let's, let's just maybe do a case study, a scenario where there is friction and there's a heated argument. How can you diffuse that? I mean, how can you turn it around in your mind, if you will. 

Rachel Glik  22:02
Yes, what starts with and this is what was so transformational for my husband and I, probably one of the most when we started studying the wisdom of Kabbalah. Is that we need the opposition, where, when two people come together and commit to be in a relationship. It is a commitment to take on as a as a team, as a oneness, that we're going to help each other become the best version of ourselves. And closer, you could say it like closer to your soul. Can say it lots of different ways, who you're capable of becoming your actualized self. And so, you’re your, your growth orientation is going to be require friction, because that's how we grow. We grow and there's something that's rubbing, or there's some confusion, or something doesn't and in society, too great revelations happen from some sort of friction or problem that needs to be dealt with. 

Rachel Glik  22:48
So, when you when you are just either, friction can come in two different ways, as you feel disconnected. Your needs aren't being met kind of thing, and, and, and, or you, you know you have actually conflict where you can't find common ground for both of you to get your needs met. And you want to the first step in people being able to turn around some sort of encounter that's, that's, you know, contentious is that you need to embrace and see it as okay. This is because we're being called to grow, and that's pillar two, is which we use our friction to help us grow individually and closer together. It's really hard to hold that in your mind. When you're when you're really your emotions are flying and it's just, it's unbelievable. There's like two tracks. There's two whole systems that are that operate within us. One is when we're calm and connected to our core self, and the other is when we are have protector parts that are just, you know, roaring to try to protect us. 

Rachel Glik  23:46
So, but when, even when, the midst of it, the more you have this underlying framework that I know this is here to help us grow. You can actually use that as a soothing to one another. Okay, I know this is hard, but remember, this is, this is good. This is a healthy thing that we have conflict. It's not a negative thing. It's what we do with it that's going to make all the difference. So then that I have, like, more chapters than any other pillar is in the growth chapter. That's when most couples come to see me for counseling, and that's where they're really struggling, is they don't know how to turn their friction into breakthroughs of any kind or more closeness. 

Lisa Nichols  24:21
Rachel, let me ask you this, like, say, there is friction, there is a contentious conversation. Let's say argument, but it can be argument too. What are those non negotiables? I mean, what are those things that couples should never do during that time. 

Rachel Glik  24:41
Yes, the first thing is it's is to never, never call each other names that disparage their character. And never to bring up your childhood or a vulnerable thing that you learned in a way that you use it to make a jab, to make a criticism, criticism, or a control or manipulation out of it. And never to I mean that I have a whole list of what, because I call disrespectful communication, and people call it non they call it violent communication. Actually, it comes from the literature. There's a book called nonviolent communication, or clean talk, is another way of putting it. So, there's lots of don'ts to do, but as far as like bottom line is, and also, I would recommend to never get into a relationship where you aren't free to say, I this is uncomfortable for me. Let's wait until we're calmer to talk about it.

Lisa Nichols  25:44
Oh, this timing is so critical, isn't it?

Rachel Glik  25:47
Yes. And it's okay if it gets heated, it's not we're not perfect. We're not robots. We're made of, you know, flesh. But I think to the extent that we you practice and practice and practice the muscle of making it more of a process when you have a conflict, and not just winging it with how you feel if it starts to get contentious, that's where you need, what you know, the power of the pause. And to really step away and, and that's where you want to be in a relationship where you are not no one is like going on tirades, chasing you down when it's not calm. You have the right to be in an environment that feels safe, but you also want to make sure you're in an environment where you're not saying you can't talk about it. But it just as a matter of determining what your boundaries are about how we're going to talk about it, we're going to talk about it in a way we're both going to feel heard and for that, we need training that we don't have. So that's why this book, I'm trying to methodically imagine if people were in my office as much as I possibly could. And how do I, step by step, train people on how to really hear each other, so that you can even begin to address the issues.

Lisa Nichols  26:53
That is so good. That is so good because people process things differently too. I'm a processor. I like to take things and then think about them and obviously pray about them. And is that really, is that truth? Maybe that is truth, you know, but Rachel, I'm even thinking because there's conflict in an office environment.

Rachel Glik  27:17
Yes, yes. I would, I would love to spend time training and teaching and maybe even modifying this book to fit for the workplace. But I just this morning, meeting with a woman who is misunderstanding what's happening at the office because people don't know, including herself. And she's a wonderful woman, but does that don't know how to communicate that doesn't create defensiveness. There are, there are, I could guarantee, with my husband, after all these years, I know exactly how to make it go poorly. And so, it's about becoming emotionally intelligent and how you position things. It's really, I call it spiritual diplomacy, where you really think about in giving and expressing what you need that's bothering you. The effort you put into thinking about how it will land, put you in a place that you're sharing, you're receiving and giving at the same time. But it's the responsibility that we often don't feel entitled to have like we feel like we shouldn't have to be that careful with our words, but we really do.

Lisa Nichols  28:18
Yes, absolutely. Because that old adage, whoever came with that came up with that stupid adage years ago, sticks and stones will break my bones. I mean, Hello, there's things that stick with us, right? And those little voices can start coming back.

Rachel Glik  28:36
And tone of voice like there's some, just the subtleties can make it like you're being interrogated or somebody's truly curious, there's a big difference. Or you're or you're trying to understand the person, or you're trying to manipulate them. It's like we're it's, it takes a lot of patience and a lot of desire and a lot of personal responsibility to handle conflict effectively.

Lisa Nichols  29:03
I could not agree more. Well, Rachel, this is so good. I feel like I've had my therapy session. So, thank you, but we do need to take a quick break, and we'll be right back with Rachel Glik on the Something Extra Podcast.

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Lisa Nichols  29:46
Well, welcome back, everyone to the Something Extra Podcast with my friend Rachel Glik. This has been so good, Rachel, thank you so much. It was it's been really, really good. I know it's going to help our listeners. But the third pillar is priority. And I love this. You use cherish that we're to cherish one another. What, I mean, what about when you have children, the children come first? Or does your spouse come first?

Rachel Glik  30:15
And that's what the Wall Street Journal article actually is about. It's about that balance. It's a very sensitive subject that gets a lot of piques, a lot of interest, because it's tricky. But the key is, is that you can still take very good care of your children. In fact, better care of your children when you're making your, your relationship with yourself and your partner, enough of a priority that they really know that they you are the most, that they are the most, that they are the most important person to you, other than your relationship with yourself. And that the children and I learned this spiritually, but it's also practically that they receive. We are the source. It's the basic cause concept of cause and effect. We are their cause, whether it's by adoption or by birth, any, any way that we are the caregiver to this, to these children, that we are their source. And so, the extent to which we take care of that and keep that unity tight and close, then they receive so much more, in a quantum way, from that. 

Rachel Glik  31:12
And so, you have to kind of go past the five senses and past the natural inclination. It's kind of easier to take care of the kids, also. I found that it was I had, like some relationship laziness and earlier stages of my marriage. And my husband was thought I was doing the right thing. He trusted me, but really, he wasn't feeling good about himself in the relationship, because he saw how much I would drop everything for the kids. And so, I learned that when they were about eight and 11, that I needed to make him more of a priority, and then I was happier. He was happier. Our kids actually started doing even better. So, it's really kind of have to go counter intuitive at times, but it really, and this is the partner you're going to have for your lifetime. The kids are going to going to, you know, you want them to become independent and create their own lives, and you really risk that you will have weakened your foundation. You can't just rely on the foundation from the beginning. You have to nourish your relationship on some level, on a regular basis.

Lisa Nichols  32:09
I've always heard that one of the best gifts that you can give your, your children is for them to see your relationship intact and you loving one another. Because that's how they then learn to do that right for others.

Rachel Glik  32:26
Exactly. And they receive a psychological, we know from child development that they also receive a sense of security that they can't they may want to like interrupt you, let's say you know as an example. But when they see that you two making each other a priority and they can't interrupt you. They get something deeper of a sense of security that the ones in charge really are really strong.

Lisa Nichols  32:49
That's good. That's really good. The fourth pillar is purpose. And talk about that, because we kind of have already talked about we can be better together, and that bond can be a good thing out into the world. 

Rachel Glik  32:49
Yes, and this, again, came from studying spirituality, from the wisdom of Kabbalah, that that when you see yourselves as, as limited to just what we do to satisfy each other's needs, then you don't tap into the divine. The Divine is endless and limit less and abundant and eternal. And so, there is a quantum level you tap into when you see yourselves as a couple for the sake of making the world better. And you then it starts, it's just, it starts to create a sweetness, and can smooth over the edges, and you see the generous side of each other. And then you also are tapping into some energy that's hard to put your finger on, that, that you become more of a bigger picture thinker about yourselves. That you're not here just for yourself, you're here to receive so that you can share.

Lisa Nichols  34:02
Oh, I love that so much. I love that so much. That's the way Greg and I have always tried to operate. I mean, even when we dated in high school, Rachel, he would always say, Lisa, if we could one day build a company that can do well, we can do more good in the world. 

Rachel Glik  34:17
Amazing.

Lisa Nichols  34:18
It's so it's a common vision that, to your point, that we're not here just for us, but together, we can do something and do good.

Rachel Glik  34:27
Exactly and then, what happens is you're tapping into what's limitless, because it's constant flow of creativity, constant flow of I'm going to receive, and then it's like a pipe, it's going to come right out. Then your relationship is like warm bread out of the oven all the time. I mean, I'm not saying it's you know, of course, you still have to, to address all the other pillars. You can't just be worker bees for the sake of the world. You also have to really make sure you're cherished and you're taking time to really enjoy each other and, and you also need to make sure you work through your conflict to take care of yourself. All, all four pillars are essential, but this is the least talked about pillar is pillar four. No couple I've ever had come in saying that that's what they're missing. They might realize that the something is missing through the process related to not having a purpose together. But it's really kind of secret sauce that I didn't even know about. I didn't understand that this was important, and it really helps create depth and strength to your relationship, and you model it to your to the community. You model it to your children.

Lisa Nichols  35:24
That's so good. Well, let me ask you this, because there may be somebody that's listening Rachel, and this is really prick in their heart. What would you say? Where does a couple if they feel like they've grown apart, if they feel like, and there's all kinds of reasons for that, right? I mean, we're not, we don't have time to get into it. But even in parenting, that can sometimes be a source of conflict, because the way you want to parent, the way I want to parent, we have differences on that. I mean, there can be all sorts of sources of conflicts. I don't want to go through that, but I do. What would you say to someone that may be listening, they're like, wow, it's just it's not as good as it could be. Or I feel like, you know, I've grown apart. What would be one thing that they could do today to maybe move the needle to a more fulfilled relationship? 

Rachel Glik  36:19
I would say is the first thing would be to make it more of a priority to explore what is missing and that we have grown apart. Are we going in different directions? Are we not nourishing the relationship with somebody angry and we're not talking about it? So, I would say first just maybe start to notice how you're feeling and maybe open up in a neutral time, not when you're angry. That you know, I'm noticing that we're disconnected and I don't like that feeling. And I'm wondering if we can talk about that. I think it's important to I have an article in Psychology Today that I talk about, like, what how to stay close when you're growing in different directions, because we are evolving and changing so much. So, the extent to which you start to in a non-threatening way, have a conversation about it, then that's a beginning. And if you feel like you don't know where to go with how to navigate this growing apart, then I would recommend reading, you know, reading a book, you know, and to not hesitate, to reach out to a counselor and start talking about that.  

Rachel Glik  37:27
And in the book, I have something called the marriage wheel, or relationship wheel. It goes over eight different facets, eight different spokes, or friendships. I call them, that a modern marriage has. And so that's that is a way to kind of assess the four pillars also form an assessment of sorts where you can see, oh, this is why we're not feeling connected. It's really like they're not, I find them to be non-threatening for the my clients to read these and now readers. But it gets even more specific in the book with the eight friendships, where you can see is it, is it in our emotional connection? Is it, is it in our recreation, we're not having fun together? Is it, is because something's going on in our way we do finances and money that is creating some distance? Is it spiritual? Is it we're going in different directions with our values and our and like how we want to live our lives. And but that can be a way to also assess in a non-threatening way, do we, you know, and that's where the wheel has at the center of it, the outside is the communication is the tire. 

Rachel Glik  38:31
So, if you can't talk about what you're noticing, then you really can't get anywhere with your wheel. But at the center of the wheel, the hub, is desire. And so, that's where it has to start with. Do I care still about this relationship? Is it worth it to me? And if I don't feel the desire, then ask for the desire to have the desire, because sometimes we lose desire because we're not nourishing it. And so, then desire is dependent on what we're investing in. We can grow our desire. So, if you feel some level of commitment to what you've created together, and you want to feel like you've done everything you can, then you want to like, choose desire, awaken desire, to see what, where the growth is, to see if we can make this a better connection.

Lisa Nichols  39:13
That's so good. That is so good. And I think that is so true. If you don't have the desire, ask for the desire, right as to, you know, to have more desire, because without the desire, there's probably nothing that's going to move, right?

Rachel Glik  39:29
We tend to wait for us to feel it naturally. And that is something that I talk a lot about in the book and in some of the articles. That is that it's one of the mistakes we make, is that we wait for something to be organic. And it really it maybe is initially the desire, or when it's easy, but when it gets more difficult, we have to choose it. And we have to choose, not only just because we feel obligated to the person, but choose it for ourselves. And I just know that I want to show up as the best version of myself in this relationship. And I know when, when my husband and I had some issues that early on in our relationship where I was shocked, I didn't feel connected. And I thought I would, I was so sure about him, I couldn't understand why I didn't feel connected. And I just remembered that I had a commitment. I just knew that I wasn't gonna be able to live with myself to go with that feeling I was having then, and I need to start digging in. And that's really when I started trying to figure out relationships was my own journey, and that's when I started soul searching and what makes a life happy and, and that's when I pivoted and went into counseling, actually. 

Lisa Nichols  40:32
Well, I'm really glad that you did that hard work, because you're gonna be able to help so many others, Rachel. Well, let me ask you this. I think this was an article you wrote for The Wall Street Journal, but you wrote an article about life, work, life balance for women. And you give three tips, you know, do you do you want me to, to say what those tips are? And then you dig in just a minute, that would be great. Well, the first tip is, identify what light you up.

Rachel Glik  41:03
Yes. So, with that one, when we are get really involved with our responsibilities in life, and is this specifically more for women, it was your question, like, how women because that seems to be it's a lot. Everyone has a hard time balancing but, but it tends to be a little more intense for women, as, as society is shifting, and all these options are open, it just can pile up. But it to not know what lights you up, I often see is a reflection of being so focused on taking care of everybody else and all the responsibilities that you can lose connection to your own, like inspiration. Your own sense of joy and play and fun, and what makes you feel. 

Rachel Glik  41:44
Like a question I like to have, I ask myself that I like to ask my clients, and I have this in the book is something in my life isn't right unless I'm blank. Someone's reading like they just need a novel. They need it, or self-help, or whatever it is. I need to have a book, or I need to be walking outside, or I need to be playing pickleball with my friends, or I need to be having a craft or I need to listen to spiritual teachings. I can't I just get off center without that. So, it's really important to know what helps you feel warm and safe and connected and inspired. That's our responsibility and so, and that's again, back to the idea that it's not selfish to do so. It's responsible to do so, because we can only give what, what it is like happy people have more to share, and you want it. You don't really want to learn from people who aren't happy, because you don't want to be like them.

Lisa Nichols  42:32
Right. Exactly. That's good. I mean, that's a great question to ask ourselves.

Rachel Glik  42:41
And many don't even know. So, that's sort of the browner. I'll ask a couple, what do you like to do for fun? And the long pause it's like, let's start there. You don't know. And then that just, it just needs to be balanced. It's not about neglecting the responsibilities. It's just finding that that balance and small little steps and breaks can go a long way.

Lisa Nichols  43:00
It's good. Connect with your inner worth is number two.

Rachel Glik  43:05
Absolutely. So, what can happen with the out of balance is we can, we really want to build an identity when we're younger so we can break it down. And have none meaning we might our worth may become dependent on who I please, who is happy around me, who has the least amount of problems that I feel responsible for. And then we lose touch with our own value, that we also are worth being happy. We're worth being cared for, we're worth being protected, we're worth taking a break. And so, if we have that sense of inner worth inside, we're more likely to make choices that are going to serve us better and honor who we are.

Lisa Nichols  43:49
Well and Rachel, so many times I see people connecting their work to what they do. What happens when what you do changes? I just talked to somebody this morning that lost their job all of a sudden, they don't have that title anymore. So, it's more than what we do.

Rachel Glik  44:11
Absolutely, we think that's who we are, and what we do is not who we are. We have an inherent worth is based on our existence.

Lisa Nichols  44:21
Right. I was talking to somebody else this week that said that they felt worthy when they were needed. And so, this was an issue with a with children like still feeling like their children needed them. That was where their sense of worth came from. But again, hopefully our children are growing up and moving on, and right? We're still needed, I think we, we still need one another, but in a different way. 

Rachel Glik  44:51
And it's good if you like, if you like, to be needed then like, you know that that's on some level, the way you just said, that is coming from. If it's coming from, to validate my worth, then it's coming from the human ego versus the soul. The soul loves to give, and the ego is doing it with some sort of agenda. It's not bad or it's not to judge that we all are human, and that's part of the whole game of life, is to really purify our desire and have it come more from our essence and less from some sort of protective reason. So, then if you if you have, if you enjoy being needed, then you have to be careful of not making it that you're tying your worth to your children needing you. But then go and share what you have to give with others, and that helps the transition so that the kids can you can still be fulfilled with that desire to share, and then you can let your children not need you so much.

Lisa Nichols  45:38
Right. No, that's good. The last one's getting comfortable with asking for help. And this is one again, I talked to a lot of women. And they don't want to ask for help because, I mean, there could be multiple reasons for that. But sometimes I, I see it as like, Oh no, I should be able to handle all of this on my own, right? And, and I see, Rachel, I see so many that are willing to help someone else, but then they won't ask for help themselves, because they're like, Well, I don't want to impose on that person. I'm one of those. I don't really ask for help a lot, really. I'm like, Oh, I can do this.

Rachel Glik  46:21
Because you probably can.

Lisa Nichols  46:22
Except for Jenny Heal, I do ask for help from her, but, but I'm just saying, even if you know I had to have a child picked up, or whatever the case may be. Women sometimes don't want to ask for help because they they're like, Well, I don't want to impose on that person. But here's what I also do believe, just as you had said before, the soul loves to give, right? So, I'm always of the opinion too, well, I'm also robbing that person of a blessing. But it's hard, it is hard.

Rachel Glik  46:57
And that's where it's like, a lot of the things that are good for us are going to be the more difficult choice to make. And so, making friends with effort that things that are effortful are our best friend, not always. Sometimes it becomes effortless when you really keep, you know, building the muscle and starts to get into the flow. But I think there's a lot of us that don't ask for help, in part because we also have a particular way, we like it done and we don't trust that it's going to be okay, is another. And then everything else you mentioned, which is that I should be able to do it myself, and because you can, and you're an initiator, and you're creative and you it's a good, it's a gift. Like you, we don't want to judge the part of us that can do it on ourselves. It's about balance and really seeing where you can let go. 

Rachel Glik  47:40
I also really, like recently, I'm working on developing a discernment of the things that I get stressed about that that are like with this book, the expansion of this book. I started noticing that I was starting to feel pressure, and then it wasn't as joyful. Joy is a good gage when you know you're in the flow and you're not in the flow. We should be growing, I was studying this from my, my teacher this week, that we should be growing in our joy every single day. And because, because we are here to keep growing and expanding into new blessings and new developments and new growth, that's where the joy comes from. 

Rachel Glik  48:17
So, if there's something that is not feeling joyful, that means something needs to shift, maybe in our consciousness, about our attitude about what we're doing. But also, maybe we can delegate it back to that point of maybe there are things that I don't that are putting me over the edge as much as you can find other people to do the things that are not naturally joyful for you or fulfilling. It's really hard to delegate and invest in yourself like be willing if you have the financial means to do so. Make adjust the budget so that you choose you things that help alleviate some of what makes dampers your joy. And give somebody else the opportunity to do that, whether you pay for them or you ask them ask for help in other ways. 

Lisa Nichols  48:58
Barter.

Rachel Glik  48:59
Exactly, barter for sure.

Lisa Nichols  49:01
For sure. Oh, gosh, that is so good. That is so good. Well, let me ask you this, Rachel, this is called something extra. What do you believe is this something extra that every leader needs? 

Rachel Glik  49:13
Oh, wow, that's a really good question. I really think it's to believe in oneself and then your inherent gift that you're here to bring that no one else can. And that even if you can't uplift the whole world, you can do one thing every single day and to really appreciate the power that you have. And the value that you have and how important it is the world needs your very existence here. 

Lisa Nichols  49:41
That's so good, so good. Rachel, thank you so much. Thank you.

Rachel Glik  49:45
Oh, my pleasure. We can, we could talk for hours. 

Lisa Nichols  49:48
We could, we could.

Rachel Glik  49:50
I'm so grateful. 

Lisa Nichols  49:51
I know me too. So, thanks so much. And I just wish you the very best with your book, I know it's going to help people. I know this podcast is going to help people. So just keep being amazing. Keep being amazing, keep growing so that we can grow.

Rachel Glik  50:06
Yes, you as well. Same to you.

Announcer  50:09
Thank you for listening to today's show Something Extra with Lisa Nichols as a Technology Partners Production Copyright Technology Partners Inc. 2019. For show notes or to reach Lisa, visit tpi.co/podcast. Don't forget to leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, or wherever you listen.

*Please note, the preceding transcription has been automatically generated and should be used for informational purposes only.