IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective
IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective
How to Build a Relationship Your Teen Always Comes Back To (Let Go of Control)
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Does it feel like your teen is pulling away from you?
Most parents respond by trying to control things. They give more advice, fix problems, and try to guide every decision.
But control often pushes teens farther away.
In this episode of IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective, Ben and Cortni share two powerful parenting ideas: The Pool Edge and The Steering Wheel.
You’ll learn why letting go of control can actually strengthen your relationship with your teen—and how to become the safe place your teen will always come back to.
Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?
Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.
Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.
https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz
I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637All right, people. Thank you for joining us on today's podcast. I've got Cortni with me which is awesome.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Mm-hmm.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637I thought maybe I'd have to record one without you, so the fact that you're here, that's fantastic. So today we're talking about two parenting metaphors, and I think especially when it comes to being a life coach, there's power in having metaphors for things because it helps you reframe how you think about it
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Mm-hmm.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637how powerful concepts. Make sense in a more tangible, real world way. So let's start with your parenting metaphor and tell us a little bit about that, and then I'll throw mine in.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Yeah. Well, just to give a little backstory of like how we even got on the topic. We're planning like a family trip to Florida. And our mom can sometimes be sensitive to the lack of interaction from the teenagers or the grandkids as they get older. And she takes it personal she's like, I wish mom could understand that. Like we are the edge of the pool. Our teenagers, they are the swimmers and they go out in the deep water and they have fun with their friends and they learn to do all these things in the adult world. And when they get tired, as we all do after swimming in open water for long periods of time, they get tired or scared, they come back to the edge of the pool and we need to be there to protect them, but we have to allow them that space to go out there and swim and learn how to swim. And I really loved that. Sometimes I take it teenager is
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Yeah, really good. Can I tell you. Just today I was extremely impressed and proud of your teenager. I did not think when you were like, say hi to Ben, I thought there'd be like crickets. And I guess I couldn't hear whether or not his eyes were rolling, but he was polite, he was respectful. He responded like, you're doing a good job. I really enjoy your teen.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638A good. When you said we need to get together and do escape rooms again. That was fun. He's like, yeah, it was, and I wish I looked at him and I could hear it. That's why I looked at him and I could see the smile on his face like it was genuine. he had fun. He enjoys you, but he has to put on this front. You know, he's just, he's very stoic.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Yeah. Yeah, I get it. And here's the thing, like, I don't know if you remember this, but for some reason you had to leave and we had never even met in person. And yet you leave your son with this crazy dude and oh my goodness. We, it was just a blast. We're working together trying to get outta these escape rooms and. I could seriously, like, it doesn't matter how big a bu he might be from time to time, I, those are the moments that you can build on. And, it was fun. I can't wait for you guys to come back to Utah, but back to the pool metaphor. What are some of the moments where you struggle? Letting him like go off into the deep end and just trusting that he'll come back when he is ready.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638The most recent. I was a breakup with his girlfriend. I really felt the need to protect him and reassure him and wanna fix it. I think I just wanted to make sure he was okay, but to let him, as you told me, bluntly, let him navigate it on his own. And I didn't. He's, I mean, he seems to be just fine. Yeah, that was tough.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Yeah, I remember my oldest going through a breakup and just. Like he turned into a puppy dog, like one week. He's this independent, get outta my way. I know everything. I'll do it all on my own. And then the next week, like my wife would go to her mom's house to do something and my oldest would be like, can I come? And my wife's like, what are you gonna do there? Like, I'm sewing, or I'm like, whatever she is going to do. And he's like, I just don't wanna be alone.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Yeah.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Like. I promise you guys, if you empower your teenagers to like, just for the sake of this metaphor, empower them to go off on their own, swim around. When they get tired, they'll come back. And that's one of the things I'm noticing with my oldest. Like he's getting married, he's figuring life out on his own, and he just got his first on his own job. And like he calls me up and he is like, dad, I'm getting a job for this construction company. I know you used to do construction. Like what do I need? What do I do? And I'm like, honestly, they know you don't know anything. They're not hiring you for your brains. They're hiring you because you're young and you have a stronger back. Like just work hard, hustle. And when your teens need you, especially like, the better you can manage your own model and be the parent that you want to be, the more likely your teen will feel comfortable coming back when they're tired, when they need you, and it really makes your job clear as a parent. Just be the parent of your dreams.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Yeah.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Okay.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638How about your metaphor?
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Oh, mine is my favorite, and right now I feel like I've been sharing this thing right and left, so I am lucky enough. I think I'm the only coach that I know of that does this. I will often coach the parent and the teen. I don't know of any other coaches that do that, and it is crazy to hear about the same exact circumstance. Through mom and dad's perspective and through the teen's perspective, and part of what makes it crazy, like the other week when I told you bluntly as you said it,
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Yes.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637I was trying to be as kind as I could, but my time is limited. I remember when you can only send texts with like so many words. Yeah, we had a flashback. I went back to that time and just, I couldn't sugar coat it. But the thing is, the thing that I'm learning from talking to teens and their parents are teens are less concerned about the struggles that they're experiencing in their lives than their parents are. And then their parents freak out and they're like, oh no, my teen won't be able to handle this, and oh no, they'll struggle the whole rest of their life because they didn't make a team, or they got dumped or they didn't get a job, or they didn't score as high on a test. These are all real things that I've heard recently. The truth is, if you panic in response, your teen is more likely to panic. Like, oh, maybe I am worse off than I thought. Like if mom is really worried now, I should be more worried.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Mm-hmm.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637And the best thing you can do is just kind of be like, look, it sucks. I get it. I've been dumped. I failed so many tests. It's not even funny. I, that was like my job when I was in high school. Anyways, I've been cut from teams. I like, whatever it is. As a parent, you can be like, yeah, this sucks. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but I promise it'll feel better tomorrow. And the next day and the next day. And this is actually one of the experiences that you need to navigate to help you be more emotionally resilient. So for me, this concept of navigation. I was listening to a podcast, I think it's called The Empty Cup. No, no, the Full Cup Podcast. Anyways, it's called the Full Cup Podcast. It's really good. I think there's only a handful of episodes is by this old therapist, I think here in Utah, but teaching some of his most powerful principles. Just to anyone who wanted to listen. And there was one that I felt like was super powerful and it goes hand in hand with what I believe about empowering our teens to navigate what happens to them in life. And the metaphor is that like just imagine your teen as they get older, like they're. Making life decisions. They're making their own choices. They are in the driver's seat of their life or in the driver's seat of this car. And the example that this guy gave is that we want our teens to be in the driver's seat, but we want to have our hand on their steering wheel. Like, no, go this way a little bit. No, do this. And he talks about all the different hands that could possibly be on your teen's steering wheel. Like there's parents, sometimes the parents aren't together, so they're like on the steering wheel from way further apart. And then you got like grandparents, you got coaches, you have church leaders, you have a girlfriend, you have the girlfriend's parents. You have all these people that all want their hand on this steering wheel, and he even goes so far as to. And talk about like some people letting God's hand be on their steering wheel, which some people I know I've talked to struggle with this. They're like, yo, you need Jesus to take the wheel. Let God's hand, no. You need to be able to make decisions for yourself. And your teen is the same way, and he calls this emancipation. And that is a process of getting everyone else's steering wheel or hands off of your steering wheel. And part of the reason that this, in my opinion, is so important, we talk a lot, especially on this podcast, about empowering teenagers, helping them take responsibility. If your hand is on your teen steering wheel and they crash into a tree. Now you share part of the blame and the teen's like, you made me do this. You had your hand on the steering wheel. Take your hand off the steering wheel, let your teen crash into a tree. Let them be fully responsible for that. I've coached a lot of parents and I've coached a lot of teens, and right now there's one in particular that I'm thinking about. I'm coaching the son and I'm coaching a mom. The mom is having a really hard time letting go of his steering wheel in the beginning, the teen, because they're learning the same tools, the same principles from me. In the beginning. The teen's like, woo-hoo, like, mom, let go of my steering wheel. I can do whatever I want. Well, now that he's having to be solely responsible for his decisions, he's realizing, dang. Get mom's hands off my steering wheel. As nice as it was I have no excuse. I am responsible for this. And that is a heavy burden. And the truth is to loop this back into like the swimming pool metaphor. I want my kids taking responsibility. I want them taking risks. I want them making mistakes
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Mm-hmm.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637they're in the swimming pool. Where I am. What'd you put that parents are the edge of the swimming pool.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Yeah.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637want them making dumb decisions. I want 'em making mistakes all while during, or while they're in the pool, rather than out in the big old ocean of real life.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Yeah, that's the thing. Like I. I feel like we, so many of us are restrictive. We wanna protect our kids and not have them go through these struggles and whatnot. I, working with you over the last few years, I have given my kids so much more autonomy because I want, I see the value in making these mistakes while he's at home, and I can help him work through it if he needs it, when he needs it. Like not forcing it on him, but so that he can come to me. When he's gonna be a lot harder when he's away at college or he moves away for a job and he's making these mistakes. I want him to feel like he can overcome these setbacks or, any challenges that he faces. So, yeah. Yeah, I
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637I don't think this mom listens to my podcast, and lately I've had a handful of clients that have been referred to me from either my previous clients or other life coaches that are like, oh, gotta go to Ben. He works with both parents and teens. So I don't know that the, maybe I'll send this to her and be like, you are the mom I was talking about. Anyway, I, she's so worried, like, well, what if my teen. Doesn't make the team. And so like we did emergency meetings, like I usually don't do this, but the person that referred her to me is a really good friend. They've referred me lots of people, so I was like, I, like I was away at girls state basketball and I'm like, I could be available. In an hour, let's meet. And the hardest thing for this mom was like, well, what if my teen like doesn't change? What if she doesn't make the team? What if this, what if like stop. You can't control any of that. You just need to be the mom that you wanna be so that your teen, no matter what happens, has a safe edge of a pool to swim back to
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Mm-hmm.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637trust. Like this is one of the biggest ones. I have worked like between being a high school principal, a foster parent, a football coach, I have worked with so many teenagers and I have found this little secret that nobody likes to talk about, and it was really highlighted. Cortni, I love it when you just start grinning. You don't even know it's coming, and you're like, okay, I'm, this is gonna get good. Hopefully I don't.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Yes.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637But this became very evident with my oldest when he experienced a really rough breakup and this little known secret is that you want to allow your teen to fail. You want to allow them to hit rock bottom
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Mm-hmm.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637when they get to that point, you'll become a hundred times more relevant in their life.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Mm-hmm.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637And sometimes your teen's, deepest, darkest, bottom of the wheel moments are going to end up being some of your top of the wheel moments,
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Mm-hmm.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637which is really kinda sad. Like your top of the wheel moment is your teen going through the hardest breakup they've ever been through. But like my wife was just talking to me not too long ago, she's like, as annoying as that was, having this little puppy dog follow me all over the place. She's like. That was really fun. Like we got to know each other. We got to reconnect. I'm telling you guys, as parents, we spend way too much time trying to manage our teens model AKA, having both of our hands on their steering wheel, trying to prevent them from going off the road and hitting a tree or making mistakes. And the truth is you want to get out of their way. You want to allow them to hit rock bottom and just trust that is exactly what they need. And if you can be the parent of your dreams, you will be that home, that safe place that, Hey, I'm getting tired. I'm gonna get back to the edge.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Mm-hmm. Yeah. That worried about her child not making a team that hit home. I've had that feeling and that would be so hard to watch your kid go through, but your time to empower them and encourage them to keep going and not give up. And I know William has a friend who. I was selected as a manager for the basketball team freshman year and sophomore year, and he eventually ended up playing on the team because of his attitude. He never quit working. He just, am so impressed by this young man. He just never gave up and he used to be super short and now he's the same height as my son, he just, he kept a good attitude and he didn't feel sorry for himself and he put in the work to make sure. Supportive and encouraging.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Yeah, I recently watched a Steve Harvey video, my Facebook, because I like. Certain videos and I spend more time watching them. Very often. They're very motivational. Steve Harvey had a motivational wand and he was talking about like, you have a perfect track record of making it through your worst days ever. And our teens, like when they have really rough days, that might be relatively new to them, like. I'm sure our teens didn't experience this, but I remember like the shift when you went from watching Saturday morning cartoons. Remember how we used to wake up early so we could watch the good cartoons on Saturday morning? You'd be lying on the floor in front of the tv eating fruit loop fruit loops in your underwear and just having a good time. And then one day you go through a breakup, you're like 12, and this girl sends you a letter that's like. I don't wanna be your girlfriend anymore 'cause your palms are too sweaty. I don't know, but like this is this shock where the kid is like, life was perfect and now it sucks.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Oh,
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637As an adult, Hey, I made up the sweaty palms part, but anyways. As an adult, we have a little bit more perspective, and I guarantee you, you have experienced rough days, you have experienced losses. Like when I was watching the Steve Harvey video, I remembered like when my brother died in a car accident, I didn't know if I'd be able to survive that. That was the worst day. And guess what? Looking back I made it. I have a perfect track record. I've made it through all of my worst days, and the truth is, your teen can also do that. And the most powerful thing that you can do is kind of express confidence, like, Hey, you'll be okay. Like don't catastrophize, don't panic. Just help them understand. Yeah, this sucks right now, but you'll be okay. You'll be better for it.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638And don't blame somebody else for, you know, them not making it or,
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Yeah.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638don't place blame.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Yeah, I love it. Okay. Cortni, any last final words on your mark get set go.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638Just be there at the edge of the pool. They will come back,
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Yeah,
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638go swim.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637I love it.
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638gonna get better.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Perfect. Okay. And let go of your kids' steering wheel. It's hard to drive when you got someone else hanging on the steering wheel. Okay. With that, we'll let you go. I'm pretty sure we'll be back next week. Cortni, you gonna be back?
squadcaster-8h3j_1_02-27-2026_113638I will be here.
ben_10_02-27-2026_103637Cortni. You're fantastic. Okay. Thank you guys for joining us. If this has been beneficial, feel free, share it with your friends. Leave us a review on either Apple Podcast, Spotify, wherever you listen to your podcast, and we will see you next week.