Why Your Teen Feels Disconnected From You (And How to Fix It)

Do you feel like your teen is pulling away?

They don’t talk.
They stay in their room.
And nothing seems to work.

Most parents think the problem is their teen.

But what if it’s not?

In this episode, I share why teens feel disconnected—and what actually helps you rebuild that connection.

It’s simpler than you think.

And it starts with you.

🎧 Listen now to learn how to reconnect with your teen.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Ben 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths. Hello everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. I am your host Ben Pugh. I've got my sidekick. Wait, can I call you my sidekick or do you prefer

Cort 0:44

No, I can be your sidekick. That's fine.

Ben 0:46

She's actually the brains behind this operat. Okay. Maybe

Cort 0:50

not.

Ben 0:50

we tag team. We both share our brain. Anyways, thank you for coming and listening Today we are going to talk about one of my favorite topics, and this topic how to connect with your teenager. Lately, I've had a handful of parents tell me like, man, nothing I do, like my teen doesn't want to connect with me. They won't out with me. They won't. I don't know. They just complain that their teen won't connect with them. So today we are going to teach you some super simple, yet super powerful things that you can do to better connect with your teenager. one of the moms recently was like, yeah, just. Since my teen has been a teenager, things haven't been the same. Let me also just throw in like the biology or the evolutionary, I don't know, like 10,000 years ago, if you have a teenage son, by the way, 10,000 years ago at like 14, 15, 16, teenage boys were like. Drawn to like leave the herd. They had to get away from all their family so they wouldn't inbreed and they had to go out on their own, prove their worth. Like if your teen feels like they're pulling out of kind of the familial structure. One thing that has helped a lot of parents is when they keep in mind like, oh yeah. 10,000 years ago, that would've been completely normal. I hate to tell you this, like we are still operating as the same species that we were roughly 10,000 years ago. Just so you know. Did you know that Cortni?

Cort 2:29

I did not know that, but it, it's ironic that you talk about that.'cause I am struggling with a decision to let my child go downtown Chicago for St. Patrick's Day with like. So many kids from his grade and I'm like, I need him to learn to have those experiences. And you're talking about sending a teenager out so they don't in, I'm sending him out so he can get life experience. I.

Ben 2:52

Don't think the inbreeding thing is a problem anymore. Like it, I don't even remember. I saw this on History Channel, I don't know. And they're like, is natural for teens to pull away and start to disconnect. And when I heard that, I was like, oh, that makes perfect sense. But I talk to moms all the time that are like, I just don't understand why my teenage son doesn't want to hang out with me all day every day. And I'm like, well. You are just not as cool as you were back when he was five. Like things change.

Cort 3:20

You out with your parents when you were a teenager?

Ben 3:22

Oh heck no. I

Cort 3:24

Yeah, I sure did.

Ben 3:25

make it on my own.

Cort 3:26

Yeah, so I mean, I feel like I should be grateful for the time that I do get, I mean, he's a lot nicer to me than I was to my parents.

Ben 3:33

I And do you ever tell him that? Like, dude, thank you for being nicer to me than to my.

Cort 3:38

I sure don't. I Probably the opposite. Maybe I should do that actually.

Ben 3:42

Well, let's talk about some of these principles when it comes to connection.

Cort 3:48

Okay.

Ben 3:48

one of the things that I teach that I feel like is different from most parenting experts, honestly, guys, most parenting experts focus more on the child than they do the parents. And one of the things that. I really try hard to do is don't wanna focus on your teenager because you don't have any control over your teenager. I wanna focus on you and changes you can be making. And when it comes to with your teen, it is very easy to go down this slippery slope of focusing on your teen because we're talking about connecting with your teen. And the truth is, if you want better connection with your teenager, it all starts with you. And one of the examples of that. I teach that relationship with other people in some way is a reflection of your own relationship with yourself, and if you want to improve your relationship with your teenager. Start by improving your own relationship with yourself. And that is a hard thing to do because most people don't want to focus on theirselves. They don't wanna explore, what do I think is wrong with me? They'd rather explore what they think is wrong with their teenager. And I'm telling you, the easiest thing to do, if you want to, like one of the things that I hear from moms all the time. wanna stop nagging my teen as much. like, that is so hard for me. I just constantly nag and I'm like, okay, well let me ask you this. How does your inner dialogue go with yourself? And 90% of the time when I work with a parent who struggles nagging at their teen, they have a nagging internal dialogue that says things like, why would you do that? What's wrong with you? If you wanna fix your relationship with your teen, go start with that internal dialogue. Cortni, how is your internal dialogue?

Cort 5:45

there's room for improvement, but I, it's a lot better than it was, than it has been.

Ben 5:50

The cool, the cool thing about internal dialogue, that's one of those things that nobody's gonna see. You can work on it in the privacy of your own mind. And it will give you a huge return. most people, like I take this really seriously as a football coach because back when I started doing this work, I was really harsh on myself and there were people in my life that were very harsh on me. my grandparents from time to time, my own parents. My head football coach that he and I just did not get along, he would pick favorites. And if you weren't his favorite, he would just chew you out and he'd cuss at you. He'd tell you how bad you suck all the time. Like we had a player scored three touchdowns in a game, we ended up losing because our defense sucks, and the coach just ripped this player for not getting in for a fourth touchdown. And I'm like. But what about all the amazing stuff that he did? Anyways, when I coach football, I know that my teens are very, impressionable and how I talk to them is very likely going to. Be how they talk to themselves. And so I work really hard to treat them with respect, treat them with kindness. I make fun of them all the time, but I try and do it in an appropriate way that isn't like, like call the kids like fatty and no, I like give'em a hard time, but in a loving, caring way because it's important to me. I want to give them a good example of how to communicate so that they have a better chance of having. internal dialogue does. Does all that make sense?

Cort 7:29

It absolutely makes sense. I love that you said how you talk to them is how they will talk to themselves, their internal dialogue. If, if we think about how we talk to our teens, I don't think we would want our teens to communicate with themselves the way we communicate with them.

Ben 7:43

Yeah, 100%.

Cort 7:44

that's powerful. I like, I like that you said that.

Ben 7:47

And here's the secret. There was a time where I wasn't the greatest at communicating with my players positively because that's not what I grew up with. And in the coaching industry for like football, there's a lot of yelling that happens. And honestly, it me. But most football coaches are just teenage boys in a grown man's body. I had to do my own internal work. I had to talk to myself better. I had to be more understanding, more compassionate, that positioned me to be more understanding and more compassionate to my football players. So as a mom, if you want to improve your relationship with your teenager. I want to give you permission to just stop focusing on your teen and find ways to improve your relationship with yourself. In the past, I've done some exercises. Maybe you've done one of these. I would have parents, so I typically work with moms. Moms are easier. but I would have moms like, go find a picture of yourself from when you were five, and next time you have a internal conversation in your mind, talk to that five-year-old version of you. You will be much more kind than if you're talking to the you that you see in the mirror. Cortni, do you have any pictures of 5-year-old Cortni?

Cort 9:09

I am sure I do tucked away somewhere.

Ben 9:11

Yeah, I think we all need to see one of those.

Cort 9:13

All right. That's, I was cute at five. I don't mind. Listen, positive internal dialogue. Don't laugh at me now.

Ben 9:19

I need to ask my mom. they sent me pictures once upon a time, but it really works. You will be more kind a five-year-old version of yourself. the version that you see in the mirror every day.

Cort 9:31

I would love to.

Ben 9:33

yeah, I'll have to see. I know my parents sent me one. I was chubby, that's for sure. have this memory. Have I ever told you that I broke my arm twice? Playing Superman both times.

Cort 9:43

Oh, Lord, I, I don't think I've heard that story. No.

Ben 9:46

Yeah, the first time I was running down the hall, my cape flapping in the breeze, ran straight into the wall and broke my arm, got my cast off, got all healed up, got my cape back, and I tried to fly off of a table and it broke my arm again. And never saw my cape after the second time. But I have this memory of me as a five-year-old at a family reunion. remember those big wheel bikes that had the big huge front wheel and the pedal attached to the front wheel, and then just two little fat

Cort 10:21

It wasn't, it called the big wheel, what was it called? The plastic ones, right?

Ben 10:25

Yeah, I thought they were

Cort 10:26

Yes.

Ben 10:26

wheels.

Cort 10:27

What were you, what'd you think they were called?

Ben 10:29

Big wheels.

Cort 10:30

That's what I said.

Ben 10:31

Yeah, so a little trike with a big wheel on the front. Anyways, I have this memory. I was like five. I had flipped that big wheel over. I had my right hand pedal in the pedal, and I was trying to saw my own cast off. And it didn't work. But like I went through a period where I would talk to that five-year-old version of me give him feedback and it's amazing. You are a lot more kind and a lot more compassionate. Yes. That is the bike I'm talking about right there. Yeah. Anyone watching on YouTube, you can see it. Those were the best, like, I don't know why. Well, it actually kind of sucked though.'cause you could spin that wheel faster than you could get yourself going anyway.

Cort 11:12

It says it plays hard and it plays safe, is what it says.

Ben 11:15

Yeah. Oh

Cort 11:16

Anyway, sorry. Keep going. So you were trying to saw your cast off.

Ben 11:19

yeah. Just super cute little chubby version of me that I have this memory I practice talking to that version of me. When something goes wrong in my life, I'm frustrated, I would rather speak to that version because I'm gonna be kind, I'm gonna be patient. Whereas if I talk to a 44-year-old version of me, I'm likely asking like, dude, what is wrong with you? seriously, are you dumb? And that's not how I want to talk to myself. And the trick is when you fix your own internal dialogue. You will start talking to your teen better because that is the filter through which you communicate. So if you want to improve your relationship with your teen, the first thing you gotta do is start improving your relationship with yourself. Now let's talk about one more hack to connecting with your teen, and then I'm gonna share some things that disconnect you from your teen. The second thing about connection, find ways to connect with your teen as they are who they are. And am positioned very uniquely in the coaching industry. I have several clients where not only do I work with teen, but I also work with the parent. Or not only do I work with the parent, I also work with the teen. I can tell you, I have so many teens that tell me, I don't even think my parents like me. think they would like me if I got better grades or I think they would like me if I got more playing time, or I think they would like me and it breaks my heart

Cort 12:53

Yeah.

Ben 12:54

I felt the same way. Have you ever experienced that or do you remember experiencing that as a teen?

Cort 13:00

I don't remember. I probably didn't care as a teenager, but that, that does break my heart. I, yeah, I can see how teens would think that their parents don't like them because of how critical we can be. For sure.

Ben 13:12

I remember going to parent teacher conference. I think I was in junior high anyways, like I had teachers that were like. Oh, I have both. Your sons, Ben not very bright and he doesn't work hard in class and we think something might be wrong with him. Jake, he's my little brother who is always so frustrating. People look at us and be like, which one of you two's older? He's taller than I am. Bigger than I am. Whatever. I'm still older, and I remember going home and just getting ripped into my parents. Were like, why can't you be more like Jake? Guys, I'm here to tell you, teen wants you to connect with them, and as parents, oftentimes we do things that disconnect us from our teen. Don't compare your teen to other kids. Don't compare your teen to your neighbors. What were you gonna say, Cortni?

Cort 14:04

No, I'm just, thank you. Yeah, you're right. I should stop. No,

Ben 14:08

Wait, you do this too?

Cort 14:09

no. Sometimes like, do you see how kind Jack is to his mom? Like, look at, he's not afraid to talk to her in public. He'll give her a hug. He'll touch her. People know that that's her. That's his mom, my child. That's like, he'll gimme like a side eye, eye contact.

Ben 14:23

Well, here's the reason this is so important. If. When you compare your teen to other kids, like I fell into the same trap and I have to keep myself from doing it. Like my oldest worked at our local credit union. My second oldest now works there and like people will tell me like, oh man, your number one compared to your number two night and day difference. it's okay to have the comparison. It's okay to see the differences. Where I try and draw the line is I don't want to position one as being better than the other, and remember just how I felt like I wasn't good enough as a teen. if you are trying to connect with a version of your teen that doesn't exist, like why don't you come cuddle with me when we watch movies like Jacks. I don't know. Or why don't you get better grades like your little brother, or why don't you do this? You are trying to connect with a version of your teen that doesn't exist and that disconnects you from the version that actually does exist.

Cort 15:26

Yeah, trying to connect with a version that doesn't exist has got to make them feel, insufficient. And we will always be critical if they are not what we're envisioning,

Ben 15:37

Yeah,

Cort 15:38

know.

Ben 15:38

just imagine how impossible that standard is. Like I have people in my life that. Nothing is ever good enough. They will find something to critique. this the, so I wanted to talk about the two things to help you connect to your teen, and then I was gonna talk about a handful of things that disconnect you from your teen Criticism is one of them, and it's because you're trying to connect with a version of them that doesn't exist. Now, let me throw this out there. And Cortni, you have anyone in your life or have you experienced this where you just to be with this certain person and they just always make you feel loved and welcomed?

Cort 16:17

Yes, yes. I have a couple people.

Ben 16:20

Yeah. Who are they trying to connect with?

Cort 16:23

Me?

Ben 16:24

Just as you are

Cort 16:26

Yes.

Ben 16:26

and everything?

Cort 16:27

Yep. Mm-hmm. No judgment, like just unadulterated love, like it's just the purest, it's just, it's a good feeling. Yeah.

Ben 16:35

Yeah, like how do you feel when you are in their presence?

Cort 16:38

I love it. They're some of my favorite people. I just feel good being around them.

Ben 16:43

Yeah, I bet you also feel confident.

Cort 16:45

Mm-hmm.

Ben 16:45

I bet you feel accepted.

Cort 16:48

Yes.

Ben 16:48

That is the gift that you can give to your teenager. One of my favorite teachers of all time, his name was Mr. Davies. This dude, I've told this story before, but I don't know if you've ever heard this. I was being a frigging butthead in class, just disruptive, flirting with all the girls, just being this teenage peacock like I was. And he is like, Hey, I got a deal for you. And I'm like, okay, what's this deal? He is like, I understand you wanna talk to all these girls. I understand you're pretty tough. I'll challenge you to a wrestling match and if you can beat me, can talk to all the girls all you want. Like you can do whatever you want. You don't even have to do your homework. I'll give you a passing grade. And I'm like, okay, awesome. And he is like, wait, wait. But if you lose, and I'm like, why do we even need to talk about this part? You're like 75 years old. Of course I'm not gonna lose. And he is like, I know, but if you lose, you have to be on your best behavior because I will whoop your butt anytime. And I'm like, yeah, whatever. So we move the chairs and we move the desks and we have this wrestling match and he just destroys me.

Cort 17:54

I remember you telling the story, the old man strength.

Ben 17:57

Yeah, he's got old man strength and he wrestled in college and was really, really good. dumb thing is he's like, yo, I cheated on that first time. I wouldn't have beaten you if I didn't cheat. Let's do it again. This time I won't cheat. I was dumb enough to be like, well, yeah, that's why you beat me. Let's go again. He beat me again. But the thing I always loved about Mr. Davies. He saw me for who I was. accepted me for who I was. He connected with me exactly as I was, and I remember I would invite him to go to my football games and one of my favorite memories was just looking forward to go to school on Monday morning. I'd get there a little bit early, which I'm not the type of person who gets anywhere early. I love to go on Monday morning and talk to him and be like, Hey, did you go to the game? Like, what'd you see? He was always just my corner, was what I felt like, and you can give your teen that gift. And I know it's easier said than done. I've had multiple parents that are like, yeah, but Ben, like. My teen sits in my basement and smokes weed and plays video games all day. How do you expect me to connect with my teen in that place? I'm not saying it's easy. Find ways to connect. If you your heart on finding a way to connect with your teen, you'll find it. it doesn't mean that you go hang out in the basement and smoke weed with them. Something else will come to you. You don't have to. Stoop down to some of their values that you don't value. I guarantee you they have some values that you can connect on. every teen I know loves food in some way. Maybe you can connect over food. So, any questions about those two things of how to better connect with your teen?

Cort 19:41

No questions. I was thinking when you were talking about that my youngest wants me, she's like, can I please teach you to play Minecraft? I'm like, girl, I don't like video games. Like, I don't wanna play Minecraft. And I was thinking just now, like, I should take a few minutes and just learn to play Minecraft or just to even spend that time with her. That would be helpful. I'm sure.

Ben 20:01

As someone who has gone that route before, two warnings. Warning number one, it is more fun than you think. I played for way too long. Warning number two, can make you super motion's sake. Like it gets to me after about half an hour. I'm like, sorry, I can't play this anymore.

Cort 20:17

When I see them and they just drop straight down from some tower they built, I'm.

Ben 20:21

A secret Minecraft hack for any of your parents who have teens that love Minecraft. One of the things I did with my oldest and my second oldest, and my oldest is probably just 13 back then. Anyways, we set Minecraft to creative mode, which means you can just create whatever you want. We built a huge labyrinth. And put like chests with like swords and axes and cool things throughout the labyrinth. And then we got done building the labyrinth, we went into the settings again and we set it to survival mode. And you can pick how hard it is. And we put it on the hardest survival mode. And so we're like trying to navigate through this labyrinth that we built. We know what it's like, but now there's zombies and spiders and archers. It was pretty fun. And I'm telling you, your kid likes Minecraft, like this is a fun reversal of roles. By the way, between, this is your youngest, you said day to day, who is typically in charge of like how life goes between you and your youngest?

Cort 21:25

I mean, it depends on the day. Sometimes it's her, sometimes it's me.

Ben 21:28

Okay. In my house, usually it's like me or my wife, like, get your shoes on. Get dressed. Bring a jacket. I know it's warm right now. It might not be warm later. Go get in the car. Buckle, like, clean your room. Like we go through the whole day being in charge.

Cort 21:41

Oh yes, for sure.

Ben 21:43

One of the fun things about playing Minecraft, you get to reverse the roles. And your kids will take charge. They'll be, mom, you're getting shot by a zombie. Come on, move over here. And like, it's kind of fun. It gives them opportunity to be in charge and that, believe it or not, will help you better connect with your teen. Okay, so we've talked about two principles that will help you connect with your teen Principal number one. Improve your own relationship with yourself before you focus on trying to fix your teen's relationship with you. I promise you every relationship you have in some way is a reflection of your own relationship with yourself. And if you can improve that by doing simple things like improving your self-talk, it will improve your relationship with your teenager. The second one was connect with your teen where they are as they are. Don't fall into the trap of trying to connect with a perfect version of them. That gets straight A's every chore you've ever asked'em to. Like that version doesn't exist. Go connect with the one that is right in front of you. The biggest things that will disconnect you from your teen, we've already talked about this one, trying to connect

22:49

with a version of your teen that doesn't exist,

Ben 22:51

that will disconnect you from your teen. Also being harsh, being critic critical. Why is that word hard to say? Something critical. if you are criticizing your teen, I promise you that will have a negative impact on your relationship with them. Also, parents fall into this trap all the time. I teach a concept called the self-coaching model, and this is where you have like circumstances and then we have thoughts about those circumstances which create our feelings, which drive our actions, which create our results. If you are trying to manage your teen's model for them, that's gonna put stress on your relationship. Don't do it. I promise that is going to destroy any connection that you want to have with them. And part of why that's so hard, your teen doesn't know this, they're not listening to this podcast, and they're probably guilty of trying to manage your model from time to time. I just like to remember when I catch my teen trying to manage my model. Usually I get annoyed, frustrated. I don't enjoy it, and it's not my job to manage my teen so he can try and control my model all he wants. I'm in charge. And it just, I use that as a reminder, like, oh, I don't like it when they try and manipulate me or control me or change me. probably exactly how they feel when I try and manage their model. So anything you want to add to any of those principles that will disconnect you?

Cort 24:15

I think they're all great. I'm just thinking about all the things that I do that might disconnect me, that I will work on.

Ben 24:21

Well, and here's the thing. It's okay to catch yourself doing things that will disconnect you. that. Awareness is powerful, but I don't want you to like go have a pity party and be like, oh my goodness, I'm doing like 117 things that are disconnecting me from my teen. I want you to have the awareness to be like, oh, dang. I am criticizing right now. That's not who I want to be. I wanna build a connection. What can I do instead? Give your teen a compliment. That's like the antidote to criticizing. yes, we want to have awareness. Here's a handful of things that disconnect me, but we want to bring that focus right back to where we have control. What can I be doing that will better connect me with my teen? And you're not gonna be perfect. I've been doing this for a long time and I still catch myself creating disconnection between me and my teens. It's not the end of the world. It's just an opportunity to course correct and pick a different way of being.

Cort 25:14

Yeah, I think, we'll, it'll always be a work in progress. I don't think anyone is ever perfect, but like you said, just the awareness can help you improve and you know, have better results more often than not.

Ben 25:24

Okay. Anything you want to add?

Cort 25:26

No, I, that was my 2 cents.

Ben 25:28

I love it. Here's one last thing I would like to request. I was noticing we haven't had any positive written reviews in over a year. If this podcast, I, and I get it, I listen to a handful of podcasts that I haven't left a review for them, I'm gonna go fix that today. If you have found this podcast to be beneficial, I would ask you to please do two things. Number one, go leave us a positive review. It helps people find the podcast and it's a really good way for you to help someone just like you who might be struggling with their teen. And number two, if you have a particular episode that you're like, dang, this really helped. share that with family or friends that also have teens. We are on a mission. We want to help as many parents as we can to reconnect with our teens because we know. They're gonna be our future leaders. We gotta treat'em right so that they'll treat us right. Okay, well I think that's all we got for you today. Come back next week, have something There are big things in the works, so

Cort 26:32

Next week. Hopefully a big surprise. I'm so excited.

Ben 26:36

we have a surprise guest coming next week, and for those of you who keep on asking me, the membership is on its way back. In fact, I've met with a few of you personally that have asked when is that coming, and I don't have any firm dates yet. But it's coming back. It'll be better than ever. Stick around, you'll wanna know more. So with that, we'll let you guys go. We'll see you next week.