Why Saying “I’m Sorry” Isn’t Enough With Your Teen

You said “I’m sorry”…
 But your teen is still upset.

Now what?

Most parents think an apology should fix things.
 But with teens, it often doesn’t—and that’s where the frustration starts.

In this episode, I’ll show you why your apology didn’t land…
 and what your teen actually needs from you instead.

You’ll learn:

•  Why “I’m sorry” alone often falls flat 
•  The common mistake parents make after apologizing 
•  How to rebuild trust without overexplaining or chasing your teen 
•  What it looks like to lead with connection instead of control 

If you’ve ever tried to make things right with your teen and felt like nothing changed… this episode will help.

Check out the blog: Episode 303

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Ben 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths. Alright guys, you don't know this, but we know this. This is the third time that we have tried to record this podcast. I'm hoping third time is a charm. If you are here listening to this podcast, number one, we want to thank you for supporting us for listening, and we want to congratulate you on your efforts in being the parent of your dreams. we have a special guest today. And Cortni, I think you know this special guest the best out of all of us. So why don't you introduce her?

Cortni 1:05

I will. She's one of my favorite people. She has so much wisdom and emotional maturity and she has walked me through. Oh, countless challenges in my life. so this is my baby sister Kenzie, and thank you so much for doing the podcast with us.

Kenzi 1:20

Thank you. Thanks for having me and saying this such nice things.

Ben 1:24

we are going to talk to you guys about something awesome. This is one of my favorite topics. And when Kenzie, because I dropped the ball, she's like, Hey guys, what do you think if we were talking about this? I was like, yes. So Kenzie, introduce. Anything that Cortni missed about you, but also what are we going to be talking about today?

Kenzi 1:44

well, a little bit about me. I am a mother of four kids. I have three girls and one boy, ages 16 to six. So I'm in the thick of it, and I fully agree. I used to think toddlers and young kids were hard and exhausting, but man those teenagers and those older kids, the emotional. Toll that that takes, along with the late nights and early mornings. It's, it's a, it's a job and a half, but I'm, I love it. a couple of the things that I was thinking about this week, were first, how to repair our relationships with our kids. You know, when things don't go as planned or maybe we overreact, or, you know, we don't have all the information. The two things that have been on my mind recently is first, how do we repair relationships when they're strained, especially with our teenagers. what does that look like, and what can we do about it?'cause so often we have to lead by example. And so if we want to make the repairs necessary to build a strong relationship, we have to take the first step in doing that. And secondly, how do we apologize? You know, I grew up in an era that. Parents just were never wrong and never apologized. Mm-hmm. And so that was a sign of weakness and vulnerability. And, you know, I'm so glad that the world has changed and people are being, better at taking accountability for their actions. But we as parents especially, need to do that, and it creates such a good opportunity to teach them how to do it themselves.

Ben 3:15

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And just. To throw something in. I always tell parents we don't want to avoid tough parenting moments. We don't want to avoid parenting mistakes like they're the plague or like they're some irreversible problem. It's okay to make parenting mistakes like your kids don't want to be raised by a perfect parent because they're not perfect. Y'all won't get along if one's perfect and the other isn't. Your imperfections are actually really good opportunities to help you connect because you're both imperfect, but also as a parent, it's a really good opportunity for you to model how to apologize and how to repair. Those type of things. talk to us about apologizing and how to do that in a way that works for you as a mom, but also benefits your children.

Kenzi 4:08

I've kind of implemented a new way of apologizing, a couple years ago because I noticed that when I would apologize, my kids would kind of roll their eyes and say, oh, well you're gonna just do it again. You know? Or if I was trying to encourage one of my kids to apologize, it just seemed really insincere. And so I thought about there has to be a better way to apologize and just say, I'm sorry, right. And take accountability for whatever error was made. so how I have implemented apologies in my house, and it's been so neat to watch my kids just through example, adopt the same form of apologizing is first and foremost, I'm sorry, and you take accountability for your actions. There's no defensiveness. You said this, this is why I reacted this way. it's solely, first and foremost, self-accountability and apologizing for. Whatever mistake occurred. secondly, and this is the most important part, is to follow up with what you're gonna do differently instead next time.

Cortni 5:07

Isn't she amazing? Oh my

Kenzi 5:09

gosh. So, so when I apologized to my kids, I, you know, I just had to, this week I just had a day where I was just really grouchy and everything was setting me off. And I was just really reactive instead of active in my responses. And I apologized to'em. I said, you know, guys, I'm really sorry that I, you know, was grouchy at you. I, I bet that was really hard. Going out the door to school, having had a hard time with Mom this morning, next time that I feel this way, I'm just gonna go in my room for about five minutes and I'm gonna turn on my favorite song and I'm gonna change my attitude and my mood, and then I'm gonna come back out and I'm gonna try again. that is what's so important, is what are we gonna do instead next time?

Cortni 5:50

Mm-hmm.

Kenzi 5:50

Because not only does it let them know, hey. My mom's, sorry and this is what she's gonna do. but it also rewires your brain, right? Yeah. We are built to react instead of act. And so if we start putting in, into our dialogue and into our conversations and relationships, Hey, this is what I'm gonna do next time. You're telling your brain what you're gonna do and it's a lot easier to do that next time.

Cortni 6:17

That humanizes you and it makes it relatable and lets them know that they don't have to be perfect or have perfect behavior all the time, but they can make a choice to say, you know what? I was grouchy, and next time, maybe I'll try this. Like you're, you're modeling that for them. I love that.

Ben 6:32

And I use that exact same thing in football. Like, you'll get beaten. Like here's the thing that people don't understand about football a lot. They think, oh, well, we'll call. The perfect defense and then we'll stop whatever they run. And if we don't stop them, then the players must not have done it right. And the truth is about half the time as a coach, we called the wrong defense and the players are trying to do the right thing, but because we put them in the wrong position, the other team gets an easy play. And one of the things that is the most helpful as a coach is to identify that. Tell the other coaches, Tell the other players on our team like, Hey, the next time this happens, here's how we want to address it. And I feel like far too many times in life we just think, Hey, you only get one shot at this. You gotta be perfect. Whereas if we could take the football approach to be like, okay, yeah, they got us at time. Let's adjust and here's how we're going to handle that. And part of the beauty is I think when you tell your kids, that gives you an added layer of accountability. Mm-hmm. Like now, like Kenzie, I love how you said this reprograms the brain because it does. But one of the things that really helps. Your brain, except the new programming is having accountability Like now. It's not only me that knows about it, also my kid that I just yelled at who I said I would handle it this way next time. They also know about it, and that just makes you more likely to follow through with that. out of curiosity, you said you'd go to your room and listen to your favorite song. What we, we have to know? What's that favorite song?

Kenzi 8:14

It depends on my mood. I, I love country music, so all country music, I really love Post Malone's new album right now actually. He totally went country with it and if you haven't listened to it, he brought on, a whole bunch of different artists.

Ben 8:30

Yeah.

Kenzi 8:30

And it's really a good album. So

Cortni 8:33

why my, my brother-in-law calls her a hillbilly. Wow. But we're rednecks, we're not. Correction. We're from Montana and Washington. Redneck, not hillbilly.

Ben 8:42

I was gonna say, every family has at least one hillbilly. Glad we know who it is in yours,

Kenzi 8:46

the two of us.

Ben 8:47

So. Here's one of the things that I also think is important when it comes to, I like to call'em ugly parenting moments. I don't know, maybe some people would take offense to that, but I think we've all had a parenting moment where it doesn't go the way that we expect. It's a little bit ugly, and typically I make the mistake of like doubling down on it. Like, no, no, no. Like here's why you gotta do what I want you to do, or whatever, and we just make it worse and. I learned this once as a foster parent. We had to do trainings regularly, and one of the things that they said was, ugly parenting moments between you and your foster kid if you handle them right. And I have a hard time with like the idea of like right versus wrong. The way I'd like to say it is if you handle it intentionally. You can make that ugly parenting moment more impactful than if you'd have done it perfectly the first time. And I believe that's true. I've seen it so many times where I, I've yelled at my kid and I've treated them really poorly, and usually it's because I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm hungry. Something like that. And if I'm intentional about it, I can go, like I'm thinking about my. I'm 10-year-old right now. The other day he wanted to play football. I was working and I just snapped at him and I wasn't very nice to him, but afterwards I was like, man, that is not the type of dad that I want to be. I'm gonna go apologize. I'm going to go explain like, Hey, this is why I had such a. Breakdown, here's what I'd like to do in the future, and we were able to repair it, and we went out. We tossed the football. We had a lot of fun. The parenting moment, even though it started off ugly, became more impactful than if I'd just done it. The right way the first time and got out and played and been patient. What do you guys think about that? Have you ever seen that in your life where one of these quote unquote ugly parenting moments actually becomes more impactful than if you'd have done it perfectly?

Cortni 10:49

Yeah, I many times, I can't think an example right now, but I just apologized to my teenager. maybe Monday we were at a, a event, just he and I with some friends. And I was having a great time. I wasn't trying to leave and so he had to hang out with me for longer. And I went in the next day and I was like, I'm sorry if I was a jerk last night. And he's like, I'm just not going anywhere with you. Like, I'm driving myself from now on. And I was like, that's fine, but you know, I'm sorry. So I didn't make it one thing during the apologies. I feel like if we don't overdo it, that would be helpful. We just acknowledge what we did. We apologize and like you said, let them know that we are trying to be better. To do better, and then move on. They don't have to accept it right away, but, at least we did our part.

Ben 11:33

Yeah. I think sometimes when we get caught over apologizing, it's typically because we're focused on our teenager's model.

Cortni 11:42

Mm-hmm.

Ben 11:43

And we want them to accept our apology. We want them to feel better. We want them to think we're good parents. Yeah. Don't get stuck in that trap, like whether or not your teen accepts your apology is on your team. You just show up, be the parent you want to be. And if your teen's like, well, I still think you're. Freaking jerk. Yeah. That's on them. I, yeah. I'm doing my best. I'm gonna keep working on it. Yeah.

Kenzi 12:06

Yeah. I found that, apologies do more for yourself mm-hmm. Than they do for the people that you're actually apologizing to most times. it just helps you take accountability for your actions and then be able to move on from that.

Ben 12:20

Yeah. When I think of apologies, I think. A lot of times the world would have us focus on the other person or like how we're perceived or something outside of our power. For me, the power of apology is more of a course correction, and I teach this concept in my coaching program where it is really important to know. Who you want to be and define your parenting identity. And from time to time, if you're a human, like the rest of us, you are going to fall into a trap where you are parenting out of alignment with that identity or that version of you that you want to be. And a lot of times we avoid the apology because we don't want to admit that. We were out of alignment or we were so far out of alignment. Mm-hmm. And when you think about like GPS, it's one of my favorite examples for GPS to function, you need two pieces of information. You need to know where you want to go, and you need to know where you are right now. And to course correct in your parenting. It's really important to have that vision in your mind. No, this is the type of mom that I want to be, but to also. Be humble enough and willing to admit where you are right now. Like, oh man, I'm a little off course, and that apology is just part of that realignment or that course correction. And honestly, people underappreciate this, but sometimes you don't know you're off course until you're off course and you're yelling at your kid and you're like, wait a second, this doesn't feel right. This isn't who I want to be. And so. Like don't like Kenzie. I think you talked about this earlier, how we grew up in an era where parents were never wrong.

Cortni 14:08

Mm-hmm.

Ben 14:08

And guys, they were just faking it the whole time. By the way. They're like, if I pretend like I got all my crap together and I'm perfect, everyone will believe it. The only ones who bought it were us dumb little kids.'cause we didn't know better. But now it's so much more empowering to realize, hey. I don't know everything. And sometimes I try and be the best parent that I can be, and I figure out that isn't actually who I want to be. And that moment you have to allow yourself to make that mistake or be in the wrong, to better understand, wait, no, this is not who I want to be. I'm going to more intentionally be the version I want to be. Does that make sense to you guys? Mm-hmm. So let's talk, let's take this one layer deeper. How can we not only apply this to our parenting? Like what are some other areas of life that you believe this impacts?

Kenzi 15:01

I mean, all relationships really. You know, I just think about marriage specifically. You know, so often we are the hardest and the most curt with our spouses. Right? Yeah. And that can, you know, be really hard. and so as we apologize and we say what we're gonna do next, you know, it's offering up our will to, you know, be better and to make those course corrections like you're talking about, and become more, become more realigned with who we want to be.

Ben 15:29

Yeah. Another concept that I think is really important when it comes to rewiring yourself as a parent. The more you can reinforce the desired parenting behavior outside of parenting, the more it's gonna stick in the parenting world. And I tell this to my football players all the time. They don't really like school usually. Most of my kids on the football team would rather be playing football all day, and I always have to tell'em like. How can we apply these skills that we're learning in math? And they're like, you can't, football and math aren't the same. And I'm like, no, there's crossover. Like when I coached last year, we made a big emphasis on our effort and our discipline and. One of the teacher or one of the coaches was also a math teacher, and he'd be like, man, I wish you guys would give the same effort in my class as you do out here on the football field. And I would tell the kids all the time, guys, how you do one thing is how you do everything. We can't practice football. All day, every day. But you can be in math and you can practice giving 100% effort and you can reinforce that, which helps it better translate onto the football field. And Kenzie, I think you're right, like this is something I could see spouses, especially some spouses that I'm working with right now, like being to the point where they're like, well, I don't even want to apologize, like. Guilty. Maybe that's corny. I have another couple where I, I don't think they would even want to apologize. That is a really important spot to really explore. Who do I want to be? Who am I apologizing for? It's not for the other person. I'm doing this for me, and I promise you guys, the more you can find opportunities to practice this parenting skill outside of parenting, the more natural it will start to show up in your parenting moments. Okay?

Cortni 17:27

Yeah. I, I feel like I've noticed a lot of the things that I apologize for is when I'm trying to correct. My child's behavior or correct something. like for example, last night I was helping my 9-year-old with his homework and his penmanship is just horrific. Like his sixes look like no number. It, it's like a ribbon. Anyway, I don't know how I said it, but it did not come out how I intended it to, and he just was a stinker for the rest of the night. When it was time to get ready for bed, he was like crying. And I was like, what is wrong? And he's like, you're just judging me. And I was like, what do you mean I'm judging you? And he's like, how I write? And I was like, oh my gosh. Like I didn't realize that it came across as judgmental. And so I let him feel his feelings and calm down. And when I laid next to him to put him to bed, I was like, I really apologize if you felt like I was judging you. I was like, I, my goal is to just help you because eventually you're. It's gonna start to be marked wrong if your teacher doesn't know what number it is. Like I was just trying to be helpful, but I'm sorry that you, it came across as judgment. Like, I will try and do better. So I feel like a lot of my apology moments are because I was correcting rather than like Kenzie has the best way of delivering messages to her kids, to anyone that are harsh, but they still sound sweet and that is one of her many superpowers. Sometimes I have to try to channel my inner Kenzie.

Ben 18:54

I might need to,

Kenzi 18:55

not always. I promise. If you were a fly on my wall,

Ben 18:58

I was gonna say, next time I need to deliver a message to a football player, you should just come to one of the games with me.'cause one of the bad things about football, you're in a huge field. The fans are freaking noisy. The other team's noisy. And sometimes to make corrections you gotta yell. And sometimes when I yell at a player, it starts with what in the crap are you doing? But that's just, that's how you get their attention. It has to be at full volume. So Kenzie, you might have to come sit on the sideline with me so you can help me better deliver. Messages.

Kenzi 19:29

No, I can see what you need to yell. It makes sense.

Ben 19:32

But that's, that, that's in football. Well, one of the, the delivery, let's talk about this When it comes to apologizing, by the way, you guys have probably experienced someone apologizing to you that their delivery sucked, and you're like that. Isn't much of an apology. I'm just thinking of every time Cortni apologizes for making fun of me when I know that she isn't even sorry. And she'll just do that. Well,

Cortni 19:54

we know that's not true'cause I've never apologized for making fun of you.

Ben 19:56

Okay, I just made that one up. But I think you could get to the point where you are getting good at making these apologies. And typically what happens if you model behavior? Your teens eventually will start to come along, but in the beginning I could see them sucking on this and they see you as a mom apologizing and being very intentional about it, but then their apology, they're just going through the motions at the beginning. One of the things that I would say to that, it is never our job to manage our teenagers and we can teach them about apologizing. But the most important teacher, or the most impactful teacher is going to be you modeling. That behavior. And so if you're the type of parent that you're like, okay, after listening to Kenzie, I'm going to change how I apologize and I'm gonna do it right, Darna and my teen is gonna start doing it right. I would just warn you, give your teen some time, let them suck at apologizing, and really just model the desired way of apology before you get into lecturing about how to apologize. What do you ladies think about that?

Kenzi 21:08

Yeah, this could hopefully offer some encouragement. When I started implementing this new way of apologizing in my household, it was six months later. I remember it clearly'cause I had a celebratory dance after my time. I left the bathroom

Ben 21:23

probably to

Kenzi 21:24

post

Ben 21:24

Malone guys.

Kenzi 21:25

Yeah, listen, she came into, there was some issues with her babysitting the day before. And, she knew that she had done some things wrong and I was upset about it, and I think that she felt bad about some of the choices that she made. And she came into my bathroom and she, first and foremost took accountability for what she had done wrong. It wasn't pointing her finger at her siblings or, the situation, or that she was tired and had to babysit on a Friday night and miss out with her, you know, being with her friends. She first and foremost took responsibility for what. Her part in it was, and then she said, and next time mom, when that happens, I'm just gonna go turn on a movie for the last 30 minutes before bed. I, it's not that big of a deal if they watch and show for a little bit longer. Yeah. And I was like, I think that sounds like a great idea. And then, you know, it'll be a lot more peaceful when you try to put the kids to bed instead of having a fight leading up to bedtime. And she left the bathroom and I did a happy dance, but it was. I kid you not six months later. it took a long time and what's amazing to me is she has still continued on with this pattern and sometimes she will even beat me to it. She will, especially as we've, you know, our relationship has been strained since I've taken on the role of teaching her to drive. She will oftentimes send me a text message minutes after, there's been a negative interaction between the two of us, and she will take accountability, for her actions and what she's gonna do differently next time.

Ben 22:57

Yeah, I love that. That's powerful. Sounds like you two kinda have some strong personalities. Mm-hmm. Hey guys, I'm just going to, is this daughter, do people say, oh. You remind me of your mom. You guys are so similar. Does that Oh,

Cortni 23:11

she is her mini me.

Ben 23:12

Yeah. that was me and my dad. Like the highest compliment I can get is people are like, you're Ken's son. And I'm like, oh yeah. How'd you know? Well, you look like him. Talk like him. Like you're the same. A lot of times in my experience working with parents and teens. The teen that is most like that parent, they're the ones that butt heads the most because they have the same way of dealing with conflict. They have the same personality. I don't know, strengths and weaknesses. It's really interesting, and the fact that you were able to model this new way of apologizing and repairing and that she was able to follow. Parents don't get this. Your teens aren't listening to you as much as you'd like them to. You might have a good team that actually listens, but they are watching you. Mm-hmm. And if your teen is already your little mini me, that is powerful. That is, you are already in an impactful position in their life. And just like Uncle Ben said in Spider-Man, with great power comes great responsibility. Like you have a job as a parent, be the best parent that you can be. Learn how to master these skills because that is the best way that your teenager is going to pick these up through watching you. So,

Cortni 24:26

yeah, as hard as it is to hear and look at kids, emulate someone. And so if they are displaying behaviors that you don't like, who are they emulating? Chances are it's you, but they will always emulate someone

Ben 24:39

truth. Okay. Anything else that you guys want to add before we say goodbye?

Kenzi 24:46

You know, I just wanna rewind just a second and go back to your comment on delivery. and this doesn't just apply to apologizing. I have found this to be true in any type of interaction with anyone. Quite frankly, people don't hear what you have to say, but they hear your delivery.

Cortni 25:03

Yes.

Kenzi 25:04

I have found that when my delivery is. Harsh or aggressive or loud, it doesn't matter what comes next. My kids don't hear it. My husband doesn't hear it. My neighbor doesn't hear it. the person that made me upset at the grocery store doesn't hear it. It's how I deliver my message, and the tone and the feelings behind that, that people really hear. and so I can't put enough emphasis on making sure that your deliveries are very intentional. delivered with love and kindness and grace. Yeah.

Ben 25:36

Yeah,

Cortni 25:36

absolutely.

Ben 25:37

Cortni, I think we talked about this a couple weeks ago, but one of the things I tell parents, if you want to improve how you talk to your teen, improve your own inner self-talk.

Cortni 25:48

I talk to yourself. Yeah.

Ben 25:49

And if you are having a delivery problem with the message you're trying to tell your teenager, really explore. How am I communicating with myself? And that will help. Like you can't fix how you talk to your teen if you still treat yourself like garbage. And a lot of moms that I work with, they, they can't understand why they have no patience with their kids, and yet they have no patience with themselves. And when they make a mistake, they're just. So rude to themselves. So if that's you, if you want to improve delivery, that's an easy one. Like no one even has to see you working on that. Just start working in your mind when something goes wrong, just catch yourself and how you talk to yourself. So

Cortni 26:35

it, it goes back to what we've talked about many, many times is leadership and self deception. You can deliver any message, in or outside of the box. So. If you have a pure intention behind it, it will come out as such. But if you can say the nicest words, but if you say them with not the right intention, that will be felt, you know?

Ben 26:56

Yeah, yeah. And you can completely mess up the delivery. But if you are outta the box like that's. It can make the poorly delivered message. Still receivable. Kenzie, have you ever read Leadership and Self-Deception?

Kenzi 27:12

I have read like the first couple chapters. So, but I never finished the book. but yes, I, I understand the concept behind being in the box and out of the box.

Ben 27:22

Yeah.

Cortni 27:22

Do you remember when I text you when I first started listening to it? Probably not. I

Kenzi 27:25

was, yes, it was like every day, have you read the book? Have you started the book? This will change your life. Are you in the box? Are you out of the box?

Cortni 27:32

Well, I was like, I just feel like Ben told me to read this book, and he's trashing on me like, really? This is what you, what you want me to listen to? Like, it was all negative about me. And then I kept listening and it got better. But yeah.

Ben 27:43

when I first met Cortni, I was like, oh. This is one tough cookie. Like, no, as remember, I would, Cortni, here's what I remember. I would teach you something and you'd be like, yeah, but, and then you'd like deflect to someone else. And I'd just be like, go read this book. Go read this book. Go read. And then one day I'd get a text from Cortni that was like, this is amazing. Why didn't you have me read it sooner? And I'm like, I tried.

Kenzi 28:07

Yeah.

Ben 28:08

Okay, well let's, let's wrap this up, but let me just, let me leave you with what I think your takeaway should be. If you have an ugly parenting moment, it's not the end of the world. There is power in you being willing to repair that moment with your teenager. And there are powerful ways to apologize and don't. Don't be afraid of ugly parenting moments. We all have them, and when you fall into one of those, just see it for what it is. This is nothing more than an opportunity for me to model apologizing, and it's an opportunity for me and my teen to actually get closer together

Kenzi 28:50

No, I love it.

Cortni 28:51

Yeah,

Kenzi 28:52

give it time. Inconsistency. Be patient. Yeah.

Ben 28:56

Yeah. Kenzie said six months. I could see my team's taking like six years. We'll see. But

Cortni 29:01

stay with it. Stay the course.

Ben 29:02

Yep, stay with it. Alright guys, before I let you go, one thing I do want to request, if you have found this podcast, either this episode or any of the episodes that we've done, please go leave us a review on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts. You guys don't realize how much. That helps, like this is something we do for free. Like none of us are getting paid for being here on the podcast, but we want to help as many parents as we can. And one of the things, podcasts have more five star reviews and positive things said about them. Or easier to find. So if you want to help other parents just like you go, like this podcast, go, leave us a review and you can literally share this podcast. You could share this very episode with a friend and that also helps. So thank you for being here. to those of you who actually take the time to go, leave us a review, you guys get a special thank you. Anyways, we

Cortni 30:03

appreciate

Ben 30:04

you. Still sounds the same, but anyways, and we will be back next week. We'll talk to you guys soon.