Your Teen Isn’t the Problem… You Are (Here’s Why)

If your teen keeps breaking the same rules…
 and nothing you try is working…

this episode is for you.

Most parents think they have a behavior problem.

But that’s not the real issue.

You don’t have a behavior problem…
 you have a boundary problem.

In this episode, we break down why consequences often fail and what to do instead.

You’ll learn how to stop focusing on what your teen is doing…
 and start focusing on what you can control.

Because real change doesn’t start with your teen.

It starts with you.

In this episode, we talk about:

•  Why your teen keeps repeating the same behavior 
•  Why consequences don’t work the way you think 
•  The difference between behavior and boundaries 
•  What you can control (and what you can’t) 
•  How to respond without more power struggles 

If you feel stuck, frustrated, or worn out…

you’re not alone.

You’ve just been focused on the wrong problem.

Want to take the next step?

Take the Parent Trap Quiz (it takes less than a minute):
 https://benpughcoaching.com/ptquizpodcast

New episodes every week to help you parent with more clarity, calm, and confidence.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

If your teen keeps breaking the same rule over and over and nothing you try is working, this might sound a little harsh, but your teen is not the problem you are now. Before you click off, hear me out. Most parents think they just need a better consequence, a stronger punishment, more control, but that's exactly why nothing is changing. You don't have a behavior problem, you have a boundary problem, and until you shift that, you're going to stay stuck in the same cycle. I'm going to show you exactly what that means and how to fix it without more yelling, without more punishments, and without more power struggles.

Ben 0:47

this podcast is actually in response to. Some fan mail that we recently got and basically it talks about a teen breaking the same rules over and over, and if your teen keeps breaking the same rules. You don't have a behavior problem, you have a boundary problem. So we're going to talk to that a little bit today. Cortni pointed out, we just did an episode on boundaries, and turns out she's totally right. First time in her lifetime.

Cortni 1:19

Uhhuh.

Ben 1:19

Anyways, it's okay because boundaries are an area that parents and teens are both really struggling with.

Cortni 1:29

And that will always be moving. They'll always be shifting. You set boundaries and think some things will work, some things might not work, and you're gonna have to adjust boundaries. it's fluid. It's something that you will always be working on.

Ben 1:40

Yes, 100%. And I, something that worked last week or last month might not work anymore this week. Like things change and that's okay.

Cortni 1:51

Mm-hmm.

Ben 1:51

So I'm not gonna read the whole thing. I believe that I will. Go post these on the fan mail. So if anyone wants to go read'em, they are long. But it gives you a lot of information too. So part of what this mother said is, my 16-year-old keeps taking my car. He doesn't follow consequences. He's grounded, but he keeps doing it. He's failing classes. He even said, what are these punishments supposed to teach me? Mm-hmm.

Cortni 2:21

Like,

Ben 2:21

yeah, that, that's a really good question, teen. I'm glad you asked that bombs, if your teen is ever like, what are these punishments supposed to teach me? Explore

Cortni 2:30

that. It must not be, feel like a punishment then.

Ben 2:32

Yeah. It might feel like just it. The cost of doing business. Like,

Cortni 2:36

yeah,

Ben 2:36

I'm gonna go have fun with my parties or with my parties. With my parties and my friends. I'm gonna go have fun. And the cost of doing business is I'll be grounded for the next two weeks. And sometimes teens are okay with that. And so. we'll talk about that. Another thing that she said though is, my 11-year-old is so disruptive at school. They want me to come sit with him. He says he didn't do anything. He gets angry, curses, threatens not to go to school, and this cycle just keeps repeating. Now, fortunately, these. They're two very different problems. They have a different face, a different name, but they stem from the same root. And this is one of those areas where I'm gonna say something that might be controversial, but this is not. A behavior problem as much as it's a boundary problem. And the reason I wanna frame it that way, I'm not saying don't worry about your kid's behavior. Just let'em do whatever they want. Let'em walk all over you. That is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, as a parent, you have less control over your teen's behavior. Then you have over. Boundaries and how you uphold a boundary. And so the goal of this podcast is to really help you shift your focus away from the things outside of your control, like your teenager, and into a realm of what can I control? Cortni, before we dive in too deep, is there anything else that you wanna share? Anything top of mind that you wanna say?

Cortni 4:14

no, I mean, it's, it sounds like there's a lot going on. no, I'm anxious to get started.

Ben 4:19

Yeah, and I would say most parents kind of think along these lines. If I could just find the right consequence, then my teen will stop this behavior, and that is flawed thinking because. You are looking to an outcome of is my teen's behavior changing? One thing real quick before we get too deep into this, Cortni and I both know the person who gave us this fan mail, and we want you to know we love you. We think you're awesome, and nothing in this response is meant to hurt any feelings. It is meant to empower you.

Cortni 4:55

Yes.

Ben 4:56

One of the questions that I like to explore, because I get parents all the time that are like, we've taken away all my kids' privileges and he's still failing his classes. Obviously consequences don't work, and the problem is you are focused on an external factor. Something that you cannot control and you are judging the success or the effectiveness of your boundaries, your rules, your consequences based upon something that is outside of your control, whether or not your teen changed. And for me, I feel like it's more effective to judge the value of. The boundary consequences, any of that on things within my control? is that something I can actually follow through on? Is that something I can actually do? If so, it's a pretty good start. it could be a good boundary. Is it something that I feel good about? If so, awesome. That's probably gonna be a pretty good boundary. At no point do I think, is this going to change my teen? Because that's irrelevant. Like your teen could literally jump out the window and run away and join a circus if we even still have circuses. I don't know. I feel like they've kind of gone away, but there is so much outside of your control. Stop enforcing boundaries to change your teen, enforce your boundary to help inform you and support future you in how you're going to handle a tough parenting moment.

Cortni 6:30

So just to clarify, I mean, I get what you're saying, but. When you set a boundary, it's if my teen does A, I will do B. So if your teen continues to do A and B is enforced, but A is still happening, then what?

Ben 6:49

Yeah.

Cortni 6:49

Do you need to readjust the boundary? Because at some point you're hoping that your consequence changes, maybe not the behavior. Well, I guess the behavior, I hope that they would make a different choice. So if your boundary isn't effective, I mean there has to be some weight right? To a

Ben 7:07

b, let's, I feel like we could make this a little bit clearer and take it to a deeper level if we actually apply it to a real life situation. Okay. Cortni, you love it when I throw you under the bus, so here you go. Speed bump, Cortni. It's

Cortni 7:21

a big bump

Ben 7:22

if your teen steals your car.

Cortni 7:26

Ooh,

Ben 7:26

if you A, I will. B. What's your B? And then I want you to ask me, but I threw you under the bus first, so you have to answer it

Cortni 7:37

first. If my teen stole my car, I. I don't even know what I would do. Like, I dare him to do something like that. if he stole my, I hope

Ben 7:44

he's listening to this podcast and he's like, mission accepted.

Cortni 7:48

He'd be like, you talked about me last time. let's see. I mean, ooh, I'd have to stew on that one. I guess it would depend on a lot of factors if he stole it. To be sneaky if I knew he was wanting to go somewhere and didn't. I think it would depend on a lot. Okay. But there would definitely be some heavy consequences.

Ben 8:05

A ask me. I,

Cortni 8:07

I, okay. Yeah.

Ben 8:08

Hit this one outta

Cortni 8:08

there. What happens? You should have not backed that bus up. Ben, what would you do if your teen stole your car? What would you do? Oh,

Ben 8:15

yeah. First thing, privileges gone like. If I've never had the, privilege versus rights conversation, that's one of the first conversations we have. And here's a little secret, and have that conversation while you are driving your stolen car home or like get'em in the passenger seat where you don't have to make eye contact. they're not going anywhere. And just say, look, here's the difference between rights and privileges. Right now you are not earning any privileges. And since you've stolen the car, like if it's a privilege, it's probably gone. And right now I'm really upset and disappointed. I can't believe you stole my car. I'm gonna have to think about this. And I would like you to also think about this. What do you think could be fair to expect for you to start earning privileges? And I'm gonna. To the best of my ability, empower my teen to start earning these privileges back. I also want to empower my teen to start identifying what are the privileges. What's the difference between privileges and rights?

Cortni 9:21

Mm-hmm.

Ben 9:21

Teens don't understand this day. They think everything is a right.

Cortni 9:26

They're very entitled.

Ben 9:27

Yeah. And so that's just step number one, rights versus privileges conversation right now, number two. Like just before we started this call, I went and Googled like, how much is a hotel safe? You know those safes at hotels that are super easy to use, you just put in your code, to close it so that you know the code. Like you can get those things for like 30 bucks and I guarantee you, you don't need like a state of the art gun safe to keep your kid from stealing your keys.

Cortni 10:04

Yeah.

Ben 10:05

You just get something that has a password that they won't guess. it could be anything. It could be your mattress. Just hide the keys under your mattress. At some point though, if my kid is stealing, my car, I want him to be responsible for what's within his control.

Cortni 10:25

Mm-hmm.

Ben 10:25

I want to be responsible for what's within my control. Know what? I didn't think you would ever steal my car, but turns out you did. I'm responsible for making sure that those keys are under my control.

Cortni 10:41

Mm-hmm.

Ben 10:41

So what do you think about Yeah, like, how does that sound?

Cortni 10:45

That sounds great. I mean, and you just broke it down for me. I, my child would have zero. Privileges. Like he would have no phone. He would not go anywhere other than school. I would drop him off. Pick him up. Like it would be firm. Yeah. He would've no privileges.

Ben 11:00

And let me just highlight this. Yes. On the surface, this totally looks like a behavior problem, and to be completely honest and transparent, stealing a car is a serious behavior. And as a teenager, that's a way better time to learn this lesson than as a 25-year-old man.

Cortni 11:21

Yes.

Ben 11:22

Now, yes, we want to change the behavior. I'm right there with you, but I can't control my teen's behavior, so I don't want to focus on that. I want to bring my focus back into me, the boundary. How am I going to react? How am I going to respond?

Cortni 11:41

What can you control in this situation?

Ben 11:43

Yeah.

Cortni 11:44

Yeah.

Ben 11:44

and here's the beautiful thing. You are going to try and control what's within your control. And if your teen is anything like these teens, like we know this. Lady who gave us this comment, I know your teens are gonna push back. My teens would push back.

Cortni 11:59

Mm-hmm.

Ben 11:59

Your teens are going to do a pretty good job of showing you what is within your control and what is not within your control. Like recently, me and my second oldest kind of got into a disagreement. And I was like, well, you can't have your phone. He is like, well, come and get it. He didn't use those words, but this was basically how it went down. And guys, I'm 245 pounds. I am, I'm lifting weights with a bunch of freshman football players. Like I can take my 17-year-old son easy, but

Cortni 12:30

if you catch him.

Ben 12:31

True. Mm-hmm. He was sitting on

Cortni 12:33

the couch. I'm glad you didn't tell me that before this podcast. Oh gosh.

Ben 12:37

So the thing is like I had to ask myself, what's within my control? Can I control whether or not my teen gives me his phone? No. Can I control whether or not I go wrestle him and take it out of his hands? Yes. Is that the parent that I want to be? No. So what can I control here? You know, I can just go have your phone shut off. You'll just have a device with games on it, but no access to the internet, no access to data that isn't a behavior problem. That's an opportunity for you to reevaluate what's within my control. And it just brings back that same question if you a. I will be. What is that like if you refuse to gimme your phone? Okay. What can I control? I'm gonna turn off your data. So the goal here is not necessarily to change your teen's behavior, it's not to find the right secret consequence that'll make everything. Work out that'll make your teen follow all of your rules. The goal is just to see it for what it is. Like every time they get into defiance and they won't do something, that's just data that's helping you understand, oh, this is what they control. I need to focus on what I can control and who do I want to be in this moment.

Cortni 14:00

Yeah. Can I let you in on a little secret? you can shut off there. Data, but as long as they're connected to wifi, they can still do everything.

Ben 14:08

Oh yeah. That is true.

Cortni 14:09

Well, so it might not be the worst. You might have to wrestle him for that phone.

Ben 14:13

Well, here's the thing. Not only can I shut off his data, but I can also change the password to our wifi to one that he doesn't now.

Cortni 14:22

Okay. So at home, but other places he can still do it. I mean, it just makes life a little bit harder for him. But yeah, I mean, it's still. It'll still sting.

Ben 14:31

Yeah. Well, and here's another example. I did not grow up in an Amish household, but sometimes it felt like it guys, part of my goal on this podcast is just surprise Cortni, and she's like, I have no idea where this is going now. But I remember some

Cortni 14:46

of that interesting.

Ben 14:47

My parents being like, Ben, you can't watch TV and you can't play video games. And I'm like, okay, can I go play at my friend's house? And they're like, I guess so as long as you play outside, okay, we'll be in the backyard. And these guys live kind of across the street from us, so I knew to say we're not gonna be in the front yard'cause they'd be able to see I wasn't there. We'll be in the backyard. And guess where we really were In the basement Watching tv, playing video games. Like I know I can't control my teen outside of my house. But here's the thing. I can control his access to a car. The keys to his car fit in the same safe that I could put the keys to my car in. I can control the wifi password. I can get it down to the point where it is like, look, if you don't wanna follow the rules and you want to go somewhere else, that's fine, but you're gonna have to walk. It's not like, here's the thing, you don't want to get into a power struggle. You just want to identify, oh. This is what I can control. You want to empower your teen, make your own decisions, make decisions. That suck, that's fine, but if you blank, I will blank. And you're just anchoring yourself in what's within your control and who do you want to be as a parent? How do you want to handle this? Anything you'd like to add?

Cortni 16:01

Back to when you read some of the little clips, from what she wrote, she had mentioned she's not sure what to believe out the school or her son. but then her son got angry and continued to like curse at her and whatever. And to me, would that make me believe my son, that he's behaving in school if he treated me that way? I don't know. What do you recommend in that situation? I feel like some of these are. Are challenging, and I know they're about boundaries, but maybe I just need examples of what boundary you would set in that situation.

Ben 16:32

Yeah, that's a good question. Why? To throw me right back under the same bus.

Cortni 16:36

Beep, beep.

Ben 16:37

So the thing is with a school one, number one, if your teachers are saying your kid is not behaving in class, like I grew up in a different age. It didn't matter what I said. My parents for some reason were on the teacher's side. I feel like in today's world, no matter what, our parents are on the kids' side

Cortni 16:58

and they shouldn't be a lot.

Ben 16:59

Yeah. Here's the thing. I like to work on like the evidence that's here before me. Like, Hey, your teacher says you're being a butthead in class, and then the teen, or your teen, or in this case an 11-year-old, starts yelling, threatening, calling you names, denying everything. Yeah, but you're yelling, you're threatening, you're calling me names. You're kind of being a butthead. So right now your teacher claims you're being a butthead. You're being a butthead. I believe your teacher, let's have a rights and privileges talk.

Cortni 17:29

Mm-hmm.

Ben 17:29

And the thing is, I had someone reach out to me about. Motivation recently. Here's the thing about teens and motivation guys. If your teens are too comfortable, they're not going to be motivated. Like why would your teen go play outside when they can experience an imaginary outside in Minecraft from the comfort of their couch eating Doritos and sipping on soda? If your teens are too comfortable, they're not gonna be motivated to do things. They're not gonna be motivated to make a change. If your teen can be a complete pain in the butt at school and then come home and enjoy all the privileges of the modern world, they will never be motivated to change their behavior. Which for me, I just like to understand this because if your teen is overly comfortable, they're never going to change this behavior until they get out into the real world. When they lose all of those comforts, like, man, I just got fired from my 10th job for being a butthead to my boss. Now I can't afford a couch or video games. Maybe I should question my life and make some CH changes. The goal as parents is to control what's within your control. I give you a lot of privileges, and I don't ask you to be perfect, but some of your behaviors are directly tied to your privileges, and if you can't behave at school, you are showing me that you don't deserve these comforts and these privileges that you get at home. And if you value school as a parent, which guys, I'm sorry to tell you. I am starting to question how much I value school. But if you're one of those parents that you're like, no, school is really important, that's fine. That's on you. Be the parent that you wanna be. But let your kid know. Look, if you aren't willing to do well in school, I'm not willing to give you these privileges. And at that point, your te I don't care about school and I don't really care about those privileges. this is unrelated, but we could touch on it real quick. I had another mom tell me, Hey, my teen is failing school and we don't know what to do. Nothing is working because he's still failing school. But the cool part was she's like, I don't get it. Because he works so hard on a neighboring farm, he is always so eager to jump in and help. He's usually kind to his siblings. One of the mistakes that we make as parents is that we overly focus on what. We believe is not working.

Cortni 20:04

Mm-hmm.

Ben 20:04

And the problem with that is that becomes your reality who is mirroring you, that now becomes their reality. who is willing to work his butt off on a farm who is very helpful in the home, who's typically very kind to his siblings and his reality. Because he's mirroring you is that I have a really big problem because I hate school and I'm failing school. That is very defeating, very disempowering, and that will One of the easiest and fastest ways to create a shift is to shift your reality. Reposition what you're choosing to focus on. You can focus on the failing classes or you can focus on, oh, hey, you do so good at school. You work your or not school. You do so good, like volunteering, helping at home. You work your butt off at the farm. I'm just proud that you are such a hard worker. Someday, if school ever becomes important to you, you could take those exact skills and apply it to school and you're just celebrating as a success. And guess what? If school's never important to you, at least I know. Oh yeah. And he likes to work on the engines. Mm-hmm. Dude, you could probably just go out and get a real job rather than doing school. And I, as a parent, take comfort in knowing no matter what's going on at school, at least my kid has skills that he can take to the real world to provide for himself.

Cortni 21:39

Yeah, when we were talking about that earlier, just to be clear, I would have a really hard time if my kid like did not care about school. and I wouldn't know what to do with that until I got there, but I told you earlier, he has so much motivation in so many other areas where a lot of teens don't. He is a hard worker on a farm. I don't know very many teens that are like wanting to go out and do physical labor and work. He's kind to his siblings. That's huge, especially for a teenager. And that he has an interest in engines and cars like. I think that's amazing that he has something that he's already that passionate about at his age. Maybe while you still have hopefully a little bit of influence. Maybe reevaluate of what else you could do to get him through school, whether it's sit down and have a conversation and agree to, Hey, let's work towards A GED if school isn't what you want. I understand you're passionate about this. Let's see where you could go with this. But at least like get a GED, like have an end goal for him where he could at least go to the next step if he chose, rather than just fail school and not go anywhere. I feel like once you get to a certain age, you're just like, I'm not gonna worry about my GED or go back to school. Maybe reevaluate and talk to him and see what he wants to do. He doesn't like school, but what is he, what is his end when he's older? I.

Ben 22:56

Yeah, really good. It reminds me of a story when I was a high school principal. There was a kid who hated school, and I don't know why we did this kid a disservice. We got him into concurrent enrollment college classes. I think part of the justification was like, look, you can get college credit and the high school credit, and this will help you graduate sooner. Anyways, just really struggled in the college classes was ready to be done. He ended up getting into an auto mechanic type course. Not at our local college, at our local trade school. And he was talking to the guy teaching the auto mechanic thing and basically the kid was like, man, I wish I could do this all day. Too bad you have to graduate high school to do this, and the guy's like, no, you don't have to graduate high school. Just go get your GED and you can take all these classes. All they require is the GED. And then you can get into the area, the workforce. Like you can start going out to other places. Like there's a big training somewhere in Chicago like that is like. Respected all over the world and this kid's like, yeah, I would love to do that.'cause then I'd have these certifications and I could work on these type of problems. And the thing was, the kid just was on fire. He's like, yeah, I'm dropping outta school. I'm gonna take my GED, I'm gonna get that done in a week and then I can be a full-time student at this trade school. And then I like, that's not a problem. That's empowering a teenager, and here's the thing, he might one day find out, man, I wish I would've finished school so I'm not building cars. Yeah. That's what happens in life, but you can always manage what's in your control and move forward.

Cortni 24:39

Mm-hmm.

Ben 24:40

Okay. This episode is getting a little bit long. We've gone from like different little points. Here's the bottom line. If you are the type of parent that you feel like, man, nothing is working because. My kid is making the same mistake over and over. They keep stealing my car. They keep getting in trouble in school. They keep failing. I want to invite you to do what seems counterintuitive. Stop trying to fix your teen. Stop trying to change their behavior and really start to explore internally what is within my control? What can I manage in response to my teen's behavior? Like if your teen is stealing your car over and over, go buy a safe. You can get one for like 30 bucks. That's empowering. When you take that first step. You're now no longer living in constant reaction to your teen. It's just like, oh, I see. If you're gonna be the type of person that steals cars, I'm gonna be the type of parent that puts my keys in a safe that's empowering. You're now focused on you and who you want to be. And the next thing that I would invite you to do, and this could be challenging, like. With the car stealing thing, man, this one is way more challenging for me. The experience that we told you about with a mom that's like, yeah, my kid's failing school, but he worked so hard. I'm like, P, your kid is doing so well. Like he's working hard. He's got real life skills. But the same applies to the young man stealing cars. If you are the parent, doesn't matter what end of the spectrum you're on, I guarantee you your teen is successful in at least one area. And if you can do the work, and again, it might look like you're focusing on your teen, but the whole goal is to focus on you and be the parent that you want to be. Be the type of parent that can. Yes, we can acknowledge our teen's failures, but be the type of parent that can also see where your teen is winning at life. Because if you can't see that, your teen can't see that, and they're probably gonna feel like a failure. And if you can help your teen, see, look, you're doing so well in all these other areas, that's why I'm not worried about you. Now your teen isn't identifying as the problem.

Cortni 26:49

Mm-hmm.

Ben 26:50

It helps them move forward. It helps them so that when they're in a position, like the world that we live in, is set up to reward people who do well in school. That's the reality of it. If you can build that foundation with your te and the same is true for like stealing a car. The world is built to reward people who don't steal cars. That's just how it is. If you can be the type of parent that can connect with your teen as they are where they are, when your teen runs into the world and is like, oh, hey. Turns out I don't wanna be the type of kid who fails classes, or I don't want to be the teen that's stealing cars because it doesn't benefit me. They now have someone who they can turn to and get support from because you were able to connect with them before they were even motivated to change. Okay. Anything you'd like to add, Cortni? We should probably end and let these good people go.

Cortni 27:43

Oh, we can let these good people go. It was a lot.

Ben 27:45

Guys. You have access to fan mail. If you have any questions, go hit the fan mail button. We'd love to hear from you. We'd love to help you. I do want to leave you with this. recently I have completely revamped the parent trap quiz. All of these parents that we've talked about. Or falling into one, possibly more of the parent traps. The parent trap quiz, I just made it super easy. It's shorter than it was before, like you could seriously get through it in like less than a minute. If you are wondering. Why am I falling into the same trap over and over with my teen? Go take the parent trap quiz. You can find that@benpughcoaching.com slash parent trap quiz. It's completely free. It'll take you less than a minute, and it's gonna help you finally realize why is nothing changing. So go check that out, and we will see you next week.