THEATER 178: Lights Out

Allison and Mark have been best friends since grade school. Now, they’re fortyish. Allison is a married suburban mom with three kids. Mark is single and gay. Allison has a lifelong fear of the dark. Just what happens when it’s Lights Out?

Bernadette Armstrong directs a cast that includes Cynthia Gravinese Brown as Allison, Matthew Scott Montgomery as Mark, and Noelle Evangelisti as The Nurse.

Michael A. Buzzelli is the playwright. He’s a stand-up comedian who has performed at such famous venues as the Ice House, The Improv, and The Comedy Store. He is the author of two books, All I Want for Christmas and Below Average Genius. Based near Pittsburgh, he is a theatre and arts critic, He is also an actor and Moth Grand Slam Storyteller.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:04

Hello, and welcome to Open Door Playhouse, a theater podcast that celebrates live theater on the podcast stage. I'm Matthew Scott Montgomery. At Opendo Playhouse, we strive to bring our listeners thoughtful and surprising 10-minute shorts and one-act plays that showcase insightful and new perspectives of the world we share with others. Open Door Playhouse is a 501c3 theater organization. Support for Open Door Playhouse comes from listeners like you. Your tax-deductible donations help keep our plays on the podcast stage. Now playing in Theater 178, Lights Out, written by Michael A. Baselli and directed by Bernadette Armstrong, starring Matthew Scott Montgomery as Mark and Cynthia Gravenese Brown as Allison, and Noelle Evangelisti as the nurse.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Let me tell you about my best friend. Wait. Isn't that the beginning to the song of Courtship of Eddie's father? Let me tell you about my best friend. He's the only one. Mark and I were playing Hangman once, and I meticulously spaced out all of the blank spaces for that show, and he guessed before he even guessed one letter. Oh, I'm so mad. He should have gone on Wheel of Fortune. Well, sorry. This is a story about me and my best friend. Mark?

SPEAKER_02 1:43

What are you doing here? I had a doctor's appointment. Please, you go.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

You, of all people, might not want to hear this story.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

Does it involve girl parts?

SPEAKER_01 1:54

No, worse. Here's the thing. Last week at work, we thought someone was going through our drawers. Nothing was stolen, just messed up. Yesterday, we came in and Trenda's tampons were shredded and all over her chair.

SPEAKER_02 2:09

Um, that's girl parts, tangentially.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

I didn't know tampons counted, but okay. Anyway, they pulled the security video and discovered that there were no thieves. No human thieves, at least. It was a mouse.

SPEAKER_02 2:24

Oh, I hate mice.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

I know. I told you you were gonna hate this story. But it was just one mouse, one lone mouse, munching on tampons, making nests of them, and eating MMs.

SPEAKER_02 2:40

Planar peanut.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

That's not the point. Peanut. Trinda keeps a bowl on her desk. Or at least she did. Uh uh, are we getting the part that brought you here to the hospital? This morning I walked by the elevator just as the screaming started.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

Oh my god, the mouse was on the elevator?

SPEAKER_01 2:58

No.

SPEAKER_02 2:58

He didn't commute? No. He wasn't tall enough to press the buttons anyway.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Stop! I'm trying to explain. Last night, we placed mouse traps around the windowsills. The kind with the sticky tape. Anyway, we caught him. Melody decided she wanted to set him free in the grassy area, you know, behind the parking lot. She picked up the mouse on the tape and carded him to the elevator.

SPEAKER_02 3:26

She took the mouse on the elevator. Oh, not cool. That is so not cool. Cool.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Well, the thing is screaming, and she decides to pluck him from the sticky tape. But when she did, oh so gross. His legs stayed on the tape. No. Oh, blood squirted everywhere. Frank's suit, Vanessa's shoes. It was a bloodbath. Then he bit Melody's thumb.

SPEAKER_02 3:56

That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Melody's in the ER getting rabi shots and stitches. And the mouse? He didn't make it.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

I guess having your legs ripped off is very traumatic.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

Well, here's the thing. Melody dropped him when she was bitten. The mouse tried to run away, but you know, with no legs. There he was, flopping around on the floor with a trail of blood behind him. Frank put him out of his misery with his size 13 chew. It was a mercy killing. Mice don't freak you out? I don't want them in my house, but no, they're not like spiders. I hate spiders. And the dark. I'm over 30 and I hate the dark. Isn't that ridiculous?

SPEAKER_02 4:47

I know why.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

You know why what?

SPEAKER_02 4:49

Why the dark terrifies you? You don't. Yes, I do. Watch, I can do this with one question. What book are you reading right now?

SPEAKER_01 4:56

What does that have to do with anything?

SPEAKER_02 4:57

Answer the question.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Killer Clown by Terry Sullivan. It's about John Wayne Gacy.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

Mm-hmm. That's your answer. True crime. You love that stuff.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

Oh my god. You're right. I read about serial killers all the time. My favorite television show is called Wives with Knives.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

There's a show called Wives with Knives. For real. Uh-huh. Is there a show called Nuns with Guns?

SPEAKER_01 5:22

No, but I would totally watch that. Killer Clergy is my jam. Wait, why are you here?

SPEAKER_02 5:32

Oh, the doctor wanted some tests run. It's nothing.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

You look a little yellow.

SPEAKER_02 5:39

It's these goddamn fluorescent lights. No one looks good in this lighting.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

Hello. You know that guy? He knows you. Are you too? Quiet. No one knows I'm gay. Oh, Mark, I hate to break this to you, but everyone knows. You're not exactly subtle. You're gayer than an Easter bonnet. You're gayer than Christmas. You're gayer than a $3 bill. I got one more. You're gayer than you. Mr. Camelli.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

Uh that's me.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

This way.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

Uh let's get together later this week. Call me.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

I think I'm gonna wait for you. Um, I didn't like the way she called your name.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

No?

SPEAKER_01 6:25

She had a tone. It concerns me.

SPEAKER_02 6:27

Oh, that one? I had a doctor's appointment in December. I said happy holidays, and she looked at me like I had two heads.

SPEAKER_01 6:33

Maybe she's one of those Christians who thinks there's a war on. You know, they hate when people say happy holidays. You gotta mention Jesus or they get twitchy. If you were at the doctor's in December, why are you here now? I'm gonna stick around. Melody could take an Uber.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

Follow me, please.

SPEAKER_01 7:01

Oh hey there. Sorry, I just went to the Mark. What happened? Mark. Mark, I'm here. Tell me. Talk to me. Did I do something?

SPEAKER_02 7:18

What? No. Why would you think that?

SPEAKER_01 7:20

You are so numb. It's freaking me out.

SPEAKER_02 7:25

The doctor, the news. It wasn't great.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

Oh God.

SPEAKER_02 7:35

Do you have AIDS? Christ. No. Jesus Christ, what? Why is that your first reaction? You sound so homophobic right now.

SPEAKER_01 7:45

You're a gay man. You just had a blood test. It's natural.

SPEAKER_02 7:49

Well don't. Don't just as fucking assume that.

SPEAKER_01 7:53

Oh my god. Thank God. Look, I don't even care that you think I'm some kind of horrible what the hell?

SPEAKER_02 8:03

Pancreatic cancer.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

Is um is that the thing Patrick Swayze had?

SPEAKER_02 8:15

Are you for real? You just reduced my diagnosis to a pop culture reference?

SPEAKER_01 8:21

Sorry, but yeah, that's all I got. It's gonna be okay. You're a fighter. You'll beat this. You think hell yeah! I mean, of course.

SPEAKER_02 8:38

No one survives pancreatic cancer, Allie.

SPEAKER_01 8:41

What did the doctor say?

SPEAKER_02 8:43

Oh, they're gonna give me an operation.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

See? That's a good sign. What kind of operation?

SPEAKER_02 8:48

Uh it's called a whipple.

SPEAKER_01 8:55

No. No, it's not. That's ridiculous. That's not the name. You heard them wrong. They didn't name an operation after the don't squeeze the Charmin guy.

SPEAKER_02 9:08

No, I'm serious. It is called a whipple.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

What is that? I've never heard of that.

SPEAKER_02 9:14

Well, they removed the head of my pancreas and use other organs to fuse together a new one, like parts of my um my gallbladder and a small intestine or something. I don't know. I I zoned out while the doctor was talking. Something about a minimally invasive procedure. Minimally sounded positive. I don't think it is, though. I mean, they're using a lot of stuff in there.

SPEAKER_01 9:39

Jesus. What the hell am I gonna do without you?

SPEAKER_02 9:44

Uh, I'm fighting, remember? You just said.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

No, I I know. I mean, yeah, you're fighting this, but I'm just saying. What if?

SPEAKER_02 9:59

You'll have no one to tell your disgusting mice stories to.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

One story, one mouse.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

A visual that will stay with me for years. Oh, if I live that long. Hey, you just missed my mom.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

I ran into her in the lobby. She said she was going to work. She's still working.

SPEAKER_02 10:27

It's volunteer work. She's working with P flag. She's going to a meeting in Lawrenceville.

SPEAKER_01 10:32

Everyone's got a flag now. Even incontinent old ladies.

SPEAKER_02 10:37

What? No, not P flag. Parents and families of lesbians and gays or something. It's embarrassing. She's more involved in the gay community than I am. She marches with them every year in the parade. Last year she went to LA and marched with Belinda Carlisle. She's got a gay son too.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

The Goku? Like the main one? Wow.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

James, he's cute. Blonde dude. How do you not know this?

SPEAKER_01 11:00

I don't know that much about the Gokos.

SPEAKER_02 11:02

No, my mom and P Flag.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

I live in the suburbs. All I see at the parade is what you post on Facebook. I don't really get, you know, involved. There's like no gay community in Bethel Park. Just the other day, my neighbor couldn't stop talking about boy hairstylists she had.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

What? I don't understand this. Did the 21st century not come to the South Hills?

SPEAKER_01 11:27

I think there's a transgendered person at the Starbucks where she's just really mannish.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

Oh my god, I can't believe you just said that. I don't understand how we're friends.

SPEAKER_01 11:38

What is that supposed to mean?

SPEAKER_02 11:40

I don't know. Did you ever think that if we didn't know each other from like the third grade, we'd be friends now? Like if we didn't know each other.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

How come we'd be friends if we don't know each other?

SPEAKER_02 11:53

Hypothetically, like what do we have in common?

SPEAKER_01 11:58

Years of ridiculousness. The fiasco we lovingly referred to as our prom. That time we went to Lake Erie and we all got poison ivy. And of course, enough Kennywood bumper car duels, steel curtain roller coaster terrors, and fried food. Memories that would make even Rick Seaback gag.

SPEAKER_02 12:21

Yeah, but if we met like for the first time, would we be friends? Without all the history?

SPEAKER_01 12:30

I don't know. That's weird. We don't really have much in common outside of our history. You know, I live a quiet suburban life with three kids and a freaking minivan, and you're the mayor of Gay Town.

SPEAKER_02 12:46

I'm not the mayor. I mean naked civil servant.

SPEAKER_01 12:48

Well, I never heard of the pa flag.

SPEAKER_02 12:51

P flag.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Really? Really? That's what they call it? I thought you gays were creative.

SPEAKER_02 12:58

It's an organization for the parents. They probably named it.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Oh, yeah. Okay. I get that. I brought you some trashy magazines.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

I don't read trashy magazines.

SPEAKER_01 13:13

What time is the operation?

SPEAKER_02 13:15

It's like seven in the morning? Isn't that ridiculous? Hey.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

Look at those abs. I didn't know he was so. Well, okay. Nice. See? Celebrities at the beach. You act awe. I don't read trashy magazines. And boom, you're salivating over Zach Efron. I know you better than you know you. He is pretty. We'd be friends. It would take you a while to warm up to me, but we'd still be friends.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

Did you ever think about the world's the world without you?

SPEAKER_01 13:55

I don't know what you mean exactly. Death?

SPEAKER_02 13:59

Yes, but I mean. I feel like I've always been here. Like I'll always be here.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

It's designed that way. Consciousness. The soul. Whatever.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

I don't know if I have a soul.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

Everyone has a soul.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

I don't know if I believe that. If there's a soul.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

What do you think happens when we die?

SPEAKER_02 14:21

I don't know. Nothing. You just discontinue being. Lights out. I don't believe in God. Heaven. A whole shebang.

SPEAKER_01 14:31

Well, you have to believe. It's like a rule.

SPEAKER_02 14:34

I can believe whatever I want. This isn't Pakistan. What? In Pakistan, they behead the non-believers and those who blaspheme against God.

SPEAKER_01 14:43

Do they drive? I can't get behind the wheel of a car without swearing. They would have lopped my head off like 10,000 goddamnits ago. They would have lopped my head off right after I got my driver's license.

SPEAKER_02 15:03

I'm glad you're here.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

See, we'd so be friends. You're still on about that. If you do, you know. Go. And there is something. After. Give me a sign.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

Go? As in die?

SPEAKER_01 15:28

Yeah, that. I want a sign.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

You mean like peace?

SPEAKER_01 15:35

No! Like a sign from the beyond.

SPEAKER_02 15:40

Oh, so like peace.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

No! I mean, if you go, I want to know if there is something else after this.

SPEAKER_02 15:56

You're asking me to haunt you?

SPEAKER_01 15:59

Oh god, I I think I am. Just drop by for a friendly visit. Don't spook me.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

I will leave the rattling chains in my other ghost pants. But I'm thinking I'd be scared shitless if I saw you as a ghost.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

I'm hoping for more Casper than poltergeist.

SPEAKER_02 16:16

Still, as much as I would love to see my Nana again, I don't want her showing up at the house in the middle of the night. Don't come in the middle of the night. You'll wake the kids. Why are we even talking about this? I'm getting an operation. I'll be fine. They caught it in time. Minimally invasive. That's what the doctor said. No, don't do that. Stop it. No, don't make that face. Don't be all, you know, you about this.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

Are you saying I'm morbid?

SPEAKER_02 16:46

You watch all those true detective stories and listen to that podcast about murderers.

SPEAKER_01 16:50

I'd admit that my curiosity is on the ghoulish side. Wives with knives, remember?

SPEAKER_02 16:55

So can't believe that's a real thing.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

It is.

SPEAKER_02 16:57

No wonder you can't sleep. What does your Davy say?

SPEAKER_01 17:01

He watches the TV in the den.

SPEAKER_02 17:02

Yeah, but does he know what you're watching?

SPEAKER_01 17:06

Yep. That's why he doesn't pee on the toilet seat. He knows he'll disappear if he misses the bowl. The threat that I might murder him in his sleep is the only thing that keeps him in line.

SPEAKER_02 17:21

Wait a minute. But back when you had that little place in North Neville, you had me come over after class one day and safely escort a spider out of the apartment. That was years ago. We were in college. I remember you being sad about a tampon munching mouse at your office a month ago.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

Don't you dare tell David I respect all living things. I'd never get him to mow the lawn. Is Mrs. Cavelli here? No, his mom went down to the cafeteria to grab a yogurt. Is this about Mark? Can you tell me?

SPEAKER_00 17:59

The doctor wants to see Mrs. Cavelli. Please notify the front desk when she returns.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

Can I see the doctor?

SPEAKER_00 18:07

Are you a family member? No, but it's I can only talk to Mrs. Cavelli or Mr. Cavelli.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

Mr. Cavelli died six years ago. Oh, what do you mean Robert? His brother's running late. Banksville Road is flooded again.

SPEAKER_00 18:24

When Mr. Robert Cavelli or Mrs. Gwen Cavelli come up, can you please alert the nurses station? I'd really like to see him.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

You can't. Because I'm not family? Or because Oh my god. Oh my god. He's good.

SPEAKER_00 18:49

Stop. The doctor is supposed to be the one that informs the family.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

Well, that's a stupid fucking rule. His brother isn't even here. I'm here. We were closer than friends. Closer than family. When I was pregnant with Nikki, I told Mark before I told my husband. Trust me. That did not go over well at my house. I can't believe this. You're wrong. I need to see the doctor. Please let me talk to him.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

There's nothing I can do.

SPEAKER_01 19:34

Just tell me how it happened. Please. He said the operation was gonna be.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

He didn't tell you the operation success rate. What happened? I'm not supposed to. Mr. Cavalli had a heart attack on the operating table. The doctor did everything he could. Had it worked, it would have been his best chance.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ. I can't believe this. I'm sorry. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

I am a total potty mouth. I'm sorry. Please let me know when Mrs. Cavalli gets back.

SPEAKER_01 20:23

This can't be happening. These sorts of things aren't supposed to happen. He's supposed to be fine. I talk to him all the time. Every day. He made me laugh every goddamn day of my life. He made me laugh. He he thought I was funny. Dave never thought I was funny. I mean, Dave thinks I'm sexy, but not funny. Isn't that weird? I'd rather be considered funny than sexy. God. What am I gonna do? In high school after a Halloween dance, I had sex with Dave for the first time, and I called Mark up and I told him it wasn't so great. And he said, You're doing it wrong. Flash forward to two years ago when I was in the hospital having my third kid. He said, I guess Davey. He always calls him Davey. Got better at it. Christ. He was right. I am making this all about me. Nurse. I have to calm down. I'm talking to myself. God damn it. Now the lights are out. Shit.

SPEAKER_02 22:04

Peace, Allison. You're not alone.

SPEAKER_01 22:13

Funny thing. I was never afraid of the dark after that.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

People let me tell you about my best friend.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

Our plays are produced by Bernadette Armstrong, recorded at the Oak House Studio in Altadina, California, and mixed by our talented sound engineer David Peters. Sound effects and music downloaded from Audio Jungle. Our sound effects are provided by Audio Jungle and Music by Karaoke Version. If you are interested in submitting a play for production, you can find that information on our website, www.opendoorplayhouse.org. Please share this podcast with friends and do not forget to subscribe so you'll be notified when our next production is live. And don't forget, donations to open door playhouse can be made at www.opendoorplayhouse.org.