THEATER 184: The Wish

Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it. After Jack rescues an Old Man in distress, Jack finds he now has the ability to instantly manifest anything he wishes. Sounds great? Well, it’s not so simple.

Gary B. Lamb directs a cast that includes Michael Fletcher as Jack, Caitlin Bell as Laura, Annette Homewood as Sally, and Dennis Gersten as the Old Man.

Gary B. Lamb is the playwright. He trained at L.A. City College Theatre Academy, University of California at Irvine, and Carnegie Mellon University. He wrote the book and lyrics for a musical version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, the book for the musical Fion the Fair, the lyrics for Chicago Christmas Carol, and an adaptation of I’m Just Wild About Harry. He has acted in and directed many plays for Open-Door Playhouse.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello, and welcome to Open Door Playhouse, a theater podcast that celebrates live theater on the podcast stage. I'm Gary Lamb. At Open Door Playhouse, we strive to bring our listeners thoughtful and surprising 10-minute shorts and one-act plays that showcase insightful and new perspectives of the world we share with others. Open Door Playhouse is a 501c3 nonprofit theater organization. Support for Open Door Playhouse comes from listeners like you. Your tax-deductible donations help keep our plays on the podcast stage. Donations can be made at www.opendoorplayhouse.org. Now playing in Theater 185. The Wish by yours truly, Gary Lamb. And directed by Gary Lamb, starring Michael Fletcher as Jack, Caitlin Bell as Laura, Annette Holmwood as Sally, and Dennis Kirsten as the old man.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

I ain't got nobody. That I can depend on.

SPEAKER_08 1:40

Are you there, Laura? Open the door. I lost my keys. Laura, quickly! Please, please, please, open the door. Hurry! It's after me, Laura! Open the damn door!

SPEAKER_04 1:49

I was doing laundry.

SPEAKER_08 1:53

What are you looking for? Anything to put in front of the door. Stop it! Jack!

SPEAKER_04 1:58

What's going on?

SPEAKER_08 1:59

Stop! Slick down! I can't. It's too much.

SPEAKER_04 2:01

What's too much?

SPEAKER_08 2:02

I made a wish, Laura. A terrible wish. A horrible, terrible wish.

SPEAKER_04 2:06

Jack, what are you talking about?

SPEAKER_08 2:08

Anything and everything comes true.

SPEAKER_04 2:10

Seriously, Jack, are you on something? Too much cough medicine?

SPEAKER_08 2:13

No, no, no! Are you drunk? Laura, when have you ever known me to drink during the day?

SPEAKER_04 2:17

Then talk to me. You're acting crazy.

SPEAKER_08 2:20

You would too.

SPEAKER_04 2:22

What the hell is that?

SPEAKER_08 2:24

A huge, scary dog. I didn't have time to think. Jack, why is a huge, scary dog chasing after you?

SPEAKER_04 2:30

No.

SPEAKER_08 2:31

I wish that I had a big scary dog to keep the damn ogre lady away from me. And it turned on me for some reason.

SPEAKER_04 2:36

Ogre lady?

SPEAKER_08 2:37

Oh, give me a sec. I wish that huge scary dog would just disappear. Oh. There. Sorry about that. I was so scared. I couldn't think of what to say. Oh, yeah. Uh I wish the ogre lady would just turn back into her old self. Oh, right, and get her shoe back. There. I should do it. Jack. I'm sorry. Let me get you a drink. Oh, of course. Uh I wish I had two glasses of wine. Here you go.

SPEAKER_04 3:17

Explain. Explain. You charge in here like a bat out of hell, and a huge, scary thing starts scratching at the door. Then you wish for it to disappear and it's gone. Something about a monster lady and Ogre Lady, honey, not monster lady. Fine ogre lady, and then you wish for wine, and I know we don't have any in the house, yet you have two glasses in the blink of an eye. I need some sort of logical explanation.

SPEAKER_08 3:40

Now drink, honey. Have a sip. It's quite simple and yet the strangest thing ever. It happened at the park.

SPEAKER_04 3:50

What happened?

SPEAKER_08 3:51

I need a little shot of wine first. Okay, well. It was rather dark and gloomy today, threatening rain, but never quite giving in. So I decided I would walk home from work. I love the moist air, the feeling like something unexpected could happen any second. You know, and it's unreasonably dark out during the day. Anyway, I was walking through the park when I heard this little weady voice. Help me! Help me! And I went over to see where the voice was coming from, and I noticed that an old man on a park bench, and I said, What's wrong?

SPEAKER_06 4:31

Someone has tied me to this bench. Could you please untie me?

SPEAKER_08 4:36

Maybe I should call the police first.

SPEAKER_06 4:38

No, don't. It was just my nephew playing a game. But he's been gone for some time. Please, my wrists are hurting.

SPEAKER_08 4:48

Those look like zip ties. The kind the police use to handcuff crowds.

SPEAKER_06 4:54

I know. My nephew's ingenious. Will you please cut me loose?

SPEAKER_08 4:58

Ah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 5:00

Look, I'll grant you any wish you want if you free me.

SPEAKER_08 5:05

So if I said I wish I had a pair of scissors to cut this old man loose, uh poof, you would just make that happen? Like magic? Or are you talking about an Elvis type thing? Like, here's a new Cadillac for helping me. Reach into your pocket. Ha ha. Wow. What what the a scissors? How did you That wish doesn't count.

SPEAKER_06 5:29

Of course not. But the next one will, so be very careful what you wish for.

SPEAKER_08 5:35

Okay. Um here let me just and there we go. Alright.

SPEAKER_06 5:42

Whatever you want. Just ask.

SPEAKER_08 5:46

Right. Uh wait. I know how this works. I know. Um, I've got it. I wish that all my wishes and wants come true from now on. Ha ha. That's it? Yes, you have your wish. Rather anticlimactic. Really? I wish you would have stood up and yelled fire and brimstone and spun around in a circle and jumped around like a two-year-old, then I might have actually believed FIRE and Brimstone!

SPEAKER_05 6:19

Fire and brimstone! Fire and brimstone!

SPEAKER_08 6:26

Seriously? I'm supposed to believe that I made you do that? Very funny. Here's your scissors back. That was a good trick. I don't know how you did it, but you had me going. Your hands weren't really tied, right? Where can I catch your act? I I love magic. Be careful what you wish for. Right. Right. Very funny. I gotta go. And that was it.

SPEAKER_04 6:51

That was it? That's a very funny story, Jack. Haha. Very logical.

SPEAKER_08 6:58

I know, I know. The truth can be very strange. Guess I don't need that chair against the door anymore.

SPEAKER_04 7:05

Are you leaving me? Is that what this is all about?

SPEAKER_08 7:10

What?

SPEAKER_04 7:10

I know you've been unhappy for the last couple of months, but I thought we were working it out.

SPEAKER_08 7:15

What are you talking about? I'm very happy.

SPEAKER_04 7:17

Come on, Jack. You come in here with that fantastical story so that I'll break it off with you and you don't have to feel guilty.

SPEAKER_08 7:23

No, no, really.

SPEAKER_04 7:25

I've always known you were weak, but this is just it's silly. Why do I always have to be the strong one?

SPEAKER_08 7:31

You don't? And hey, I'm not weak.

SPEAKER_04 7:33

Then just come out with it. Tell me what you really want to say. I I can take it.

SPEAKER_08 7:37

I wish you would just be quiet for one minute.

SPEAKER_04 7:39

Don't you tell me to be quiet. I'll yell and scream if I want to.

SPEAKER_08 7:45

I I uh Sorry. I tried to tell you. It was a terrible, horrible wish. Anything, even if I just think it comes true.

SPEAKER_04 7:55

Then think my voice back.

SPEAKER_08 7:58

Oh, right. Uh, sorry.

SPEAKER_04 8:00

There. I understand, or I think I understand. It's just hard to believe.

SPEAKER_08 8:08

I know. Tell me about it.

SPEAKER_04 8:10

So the um ogre Lady. Yes, and the uh scary dog. Yes.

SPEAKER_08 8:17

Well, I was walking away from the old man thinking that he was a magician with an axe somewhere because the scissors in the pocket thing was pretty cool, especially with his hands tied behind his back. And Right. And I came upon this beautiful young lady. Now, as you know, things haven't been going so well between you and me, and as you said, you know what a coward I am. So I thought I'd try my luck with her. Maybe she'd come home with me and then you'd kick me out. What? I don't know. I was just I was playing it by ear. Improvising. I just I wanted a way out of this relationship without having to actually be the one breaking it off. You were right. I am a coward. And the problem is the girl was a real bitch. She shot me down flat, and it got me so angry and hurt that I said, I wish you were as ugly on the outside as you were on the inside, and bam, she was this evil, hideous ogre lady. Well, when she realized what had happened, she started to chase me, so I wish I had a scary huge dog. The problem is that I did not wish for an obedient, scary, huge dog, and he started to come after me. You see how awful my wish was?

SPEAKER_04 9:19

You lost me at you just wanted a way out of this relationship part.

SPEAKER_08 9:23

What?

SPEAKER_04 9:24

I heard the rest, but it doesn't make sense. You could have just wished your way out of this relationship.

SPEAKER_08 9:29

But I didn't know my wishes would come true at that point, remember? I thought the old guy was a magician. And after she turned into an ogre lady, things happened way too fast.

SPEAKER_04 9:39

I see. I just didn't think our relationship was that bad.

SPEAKER_08 9:43

You're the one who said that you noticed things haven't been great the last couple months.

SPEAKER_04 9:46

I thought they were fine, but I was afraid you were unhappy.

SPEAKER_08 9:49

Honestly, Laura, you brought it up because it's true. You've been very unhappy with me.

SPEAKER_04 9:54

I only said those things because I thought you were making up a crazy story so that I would break up with you.

SPEAKER_03 10:02

What the hell happened back there?

SPEAKER_08 10:05

I turned you into an ogre lady. Purely by accident.

SPEAKER_03 10:10

I don't get it. How?

SPEAKER_08 10:12

Whatever I wish for comes true.

SPEAKER_03 10:14

Hi, I'm Laura. I'm Sally. Nice to meet you, I'll guess. Are you two together? We weren't. Because this guy came on to me at the park. What a jerk.

SPEAKER_08 10:25

All I did was compliment you on your dress.

SPEAKER_03 10:27

And I told you to take a hike.

SPEAKER_08 10:28

Actually, you said take a flying leap off the nearest bridge, which seemed like a totally inappropriate response to my comment.

SPEAKER_03 10:34

Wait a second. You just said whatever you wish for comes true.

SPEAKER_08 10:39

Yes. I'm trying to explain the strange events that have occurred over the last 30 minutes.

SPEAKER_03 10:44

And you're believing this load of crap.

SPEAKER_04 10:46

I don't know, it's pretty convincing. What did he tell you? He said he turned you into an ogre lady and that he needed a big scary dog to keep you from attacking him.

SPEAKER_03 10:55

Oh? I don't seem to recall anything of the kind. I said, take a flying leap off the nearest bridge, and he said something like, You're a hideous ogre lady, and you should be careful what you say to nice guys complimenting ya. You can understand how something like that could get me angry. So I threw my shoe at him as he started to run away. Then this huge dog came out of nowhere and grabbed my shoe and must have thought it belonged to him. Jack. Fine, Jack. And the dog chased him. I mean Jack here. I lost him, but then I noticed some muddy paw prints, and outside your door was my shoe. Is any of that true?

SPEAKER_08 11:38

Oh well, kind of, except that I wish for all those things. You heard me wish that she was back to her old self, didn't you?

SPEAKER_04 11:44

Yes, but her story seems more logical.

SPEAKER_08 11:47

What about when I made you lose your voice? Or what what about the wine?

SPEAKER_04 11:51

What wine? He made wine appear out of nowhere. Really? You sort appear in thin air. No, not out of thin air, but wait a minute. He reached into the hallway there and came back with it. Did you look in the hallway?

SPEAKER_03 12:07

He probably set this whole thing up.

SPEAKER_08 12:10

Look in the hallway. There's nothing there.

SPEAKER_03 12:11

How do we know it wasn't there before?

SPEAKER_08 12:14

Laura would have seen it before I got home.

SPEAKER_04 12:16

I don't know, Jack. She's awfully convincing. And you did say you wanted out of this relationship.

SPEAKER_08 12:22

That was before. Not now. How could I ever leave someone who could hear such a strange story and believe me? You did believe me until she showed up. You haven't trusted me in a long time, Laura, but this don't you see?

SPEAKER_03 12:38

So this was a trick to text.

SPEAKER_08 12:40

No, no, it's all true.

SPEAKER_03 12:42

You've got to be kidding me. You believed he could wish things true.

SPEAKER_08 12:47

I told you she was a witch. See what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 12:50

Oh you little whiny munchkin of a man! I'll see what's happening here. You're afraid to break up with this girl, so you wanted me to help. You little simpleton.

SPEAKER_08 13:03

Stop it.

SPEAKER_03 13:03

Freeze! Stop! Or what? You'll wish me into a toad. You'll turn me into a spider and then stomp on me.

SPEAKER_08 13:10

Stop it.

SPEAKER_03 13:11

Ooh, I'm so afraid. Stop it. This is not a game. So that lame pickup line you used on me was part of a game. No. You are pathetic. A real loser. Loser, loser, loser. I wish you were dead.

SPEAKER_08 13:40

Oh my god. She's got a pulse. She's dead. I killed her.

SPEAKER_04 13:49

You killed her. You wished her dead, Jack.

SPEAKER_08 13:53

I told you it was a stupid, horrible wish. I can't control my thoughts when I'm angry.

SPEAKER_04 13:58

That could have been me.

SPEAKER_08 13:59

Don't be s silly. I would never wish you dead.

SPEAKER_04 14:03

You could get angry and wish me to Siberia or something.

SPEAKER_08 14:06

But I wouldn't. I couldn't.

SPEAKER_04 14:09

What are you doing?

SPEAKER_08 14:10

I'm putting her out in the hallway. So when we call the police, we can say we found her out there. We don't know her, so they'll never suspect us.

SPEAKER_04 14:17

What do you mean us?

SPEAKER_08 14:18

Fine, me, but with no evidence linking her to us, we should be safe.

SPEAKER_04 14:22

What? You just wished her dead and you're worried about evidence?

SPEAKER_08 14:26

Oh, you're right. I just killed someone, and all I can think about is myself. What have I done? What am I gonna do?

SPEAKER_04 14:35

Wish it away. Jack, wish it all away.

SPEAKER_08 14:40

Could it really be that simple? Could I kill someone and then just wish they'd never existed?

SPEAKER_04 14:46

No, that's not what I meant, Jack.

SPEAKER_08 14:48

I wish that lady had never existed.

SPEAKER_04 14:50

What? Jack, you didn't. You wouldn't. She's gone, Jack. She's really gone.

SPEAKER_08 14:59

So now we don't need the police. She never existed, so I never wished her dead. That's weird. Because the timeline continuum would be broken, and she never could have chased me here if she never existed.

SPEAKER_04 15:12

What are you talking about? Don't you see what you've done?

SPEAKER_08 15:15

Wait. My wish couldn't have come true fully, or we wouldn't even be Okay, wait. So all I did was erase her from this point on. What? You see, if she never existed at all, we we wouldn't be talking about her right now. Do you see what I mean? I can't change the past, only the present and the future, I suppose. Cool.

SPEAKER_04 15:34

Cool? You not only wished a girl dead, but you made her disappear. I've never seen this side of you.

SPEAKER_08 15:40

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_04 15:41

You care nothing about anyone but yourself.

SPEAKER_08 15:43

Huh?

SPEAKER_04 15:44

Sure, you fixed your problems, but what about her? She could have a family that will miss her and never know what happened.

SPEAKER_08 15:50

Her? I doubt it. You met her, she was just mean.

SPEAKER_04 15:54

Why? Because she turned your stupid advances down?

SPEAKER_08 15:57

No, her attitude. Everything. I mean, her her Oh my god, the power. It's gone to me. You're right. I have to fix this. I have to fix this.

SPEAKER_04 16:10

I don't know if I can trust you anymore, Jack. This is a side of you I've never seen, and I don't like it. I knew you're self-centered, but this is scary.

SPEAKER_08 16:20

Self-centered? Really? After all the sacrifices I've made for you? I give up my dreams to help you buy that car.

SPEAKER_04 16:26

What dreams?

SPEAKER_08 16:27

I was gonna use that money to start my own business. Get out of this dead end job.

SPEAKER_04 16:31

What business? The vegetarian steakhouse? Or the docking couch potato doll slash remote control? Or the raincoat with the attached umbrella hat? Or any nearly. You know what?

SPEAKER_08 16:43

You can go to hell for all I care. Oh crap. No, I didn't mean that. Why are you going in the kitchen? That wasn't a wish, just a phrase, a saying. I didn't mean it. Seriously. Honey? Oh. Ah. What's with the knife? You see? You're still here. No harm, no foul, huh?

SPEAKER_04 17:13

The road to hell is paved with our deeds, Jack.

SPEAKER_08 17:17

This isn't funny, Laura. Put down the knife.

SPEAKER_04 17:20

Thou shalt not kill unless one were to be damned to hell forever.

SPEAKER_08 17:23

Not funny, I get it. I have to be careful what I say. This isn't my wish. You're just playing with me, right?

SPEAKER_04 17:30

If I go to hell, Jack, I'm taking you with me.

SPEAKER_08 17:33

Oh, whoa, okay, that was close. You could have killed me. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Ha!

SPEAKER_04 17:37

Seriously, stop!

SPEAKER_08 17:38

Ha! Stop! Freeze! Oh. That was odd. Maybe there is no hell except for what we believe is hell, and therefore you were trying to kill me as the fastest way to get to hell. I wish you would nod if that were true. Okay. Um, I wish you would sit down and put the knife down and not feel that you need to go to hell. Now unfreeze.

SPEAKER_04 18:10

Jack, that was horrible. I could have killed you. You have to fix this. You have to bring that girl back. You have to make it right again.

SPEAKER_08 18:19

You're right, you're right. I've got it now. What would I ever do without you? I see it all so clearly now. I love you. I wish everything would go back to the way it was right before I met the old man in the park.

SPEAKER_07 18:37

Help me!

SPEAKER_06 18:39

Help me!

SPEAKER_08 18:41

Good. You're here.

SPEAKER_06 18:43

Someone has tied me to this bench. Could you please untie me?

SPEAKER_08 18:48

That's weird again. What's weird again? That I went back in time, but I still have the memory of the other timeline I created. Maybe I was thinking that I needed to remember everything when I made the wish to come back.

SPEAKER_06 19:00

Oh, I think you just ended that timeline by creating this new one. Oh, so you understand what I'm talking about. Let me guess. You made a stupid wish, allowing you lots of wishes, and now you come back to the time before the wish in order to come up with a better wish. Wow. You're good. How do you think I got myself into this hands-tied business? I have no idea. Oh, another dissatisfied customer? Whoa, you're good. Would you mind cutting me out of these ties? And for that?

SPEAKER_08 19:34

Yeah, I'll give you a wish. I want two wishes, just in case I blow the first one again. Perfect. Two wishes it is. Now cut me loose. With what? You'll think of something. I'm not gonna waste a wish on an object to help you. Very funny. Fine. Check your pocket. Huh. Nice touch. Different colored scissors. I hate repetition.

unknown 20:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 20:01

Good. Now, do your thing. Are you sure you don't want me to jump up and down screaming fire and brimstone? I wouldn't mind a little showmanship. Fine. This young man makes mistakes and takes no responsibility. So grant him two wishes for setting me free.

SPEAKER_08 20:25

Better. Definitely better. But I'm pretty sure you were never a poet. I'll see you later. Are you gonna use one of your wishes before you go? Oh, right. I wish my girlfriend appreciated me a lot more. So long, old man.

SPEAKER_07 20:58

Help me!

unknown 21:00

Help me!

SPEAKER_08 21:02

Damn you, damn you, damn you. That's no way to talk to the elderly! Okay, quit the I'm a feeble old man business. You're just plain wicked and crafty. What did I do? You know what you did. You let me think I was being all smart getting two wishes, but you knew that I would blow the first wish, and then the second wish I'd have to come back here to get more wishes. So the girlfriend didn't appreciate you more. Oh, she appreciated me. She cuddled me, loved me, hug on me. She wouldn't leave me alone. The worst part is, is that she complained about everything else in the world other than me. I could do no wrong, but my god, she only stopped complaining about her job and the apartment and the way the water makes that whooshing sound when you turn on the shower long enough to tell me how wonderful I am and how nice it is to have a man who does nothing around the house to help out. Sounds perfect. No. No, it's not. It's driving me crazy. I almost used my wish to have her leave me alone. Which I assume is what you expected. I may have had my musing on the subject. Well, I didn't. I used it to get back here. Ha! What do you think of that?

SPEAKER_06 22:10

Very good.

SPEAKER_08 22:11

Now I want you to use your smart old brain to help me figure out what I should wish for. Maybe my first wish should be to make you tell me what the best wish I could wish for is. Huh. What makes you think I'd give you another wish?

SPEAKER_06 22:26

How else are you gonna get free? You really think I can make scissors appear and grant people wishes, but I can't make plastic zip ties disappear?

SPEAKER_08 22:36

I assumed you had no power over plastic. That sounds really stupid, doesn't it? Your words, Jack, not mine. So no more wishes? But what am I to do?

SPEAKER_06 22:50

You have the greatest gift a man could have, Jack! The gift of foresight. You wish to come back to the time before you made the wish. So your girlfriend is back to her old self, and you have a new timeline to make things right. She's the kind of girl who trusts you no matter how ridiculous the story you tell may be. That's rare. And you know that she's afraid you are unhappy with her and the relationship. But she really isn't. And wants you to be happy. And lastly, now you know all the things in her life that make her miserable. Apart from the things you do or don't do. You have insight into a relationship that you had given up on. Oh, yeah, you also know not to try and go after the pretty girl over by the water. Shut down! Oh, that was painful to watch. Now go home to your girlfriend. I guess you're right. Control your own destiny, Jack. Don't spend your life making wishes. Go out and make things happen. That's how you make your wishes come true. No regrets. I will.

SPEAKER_08 24:04

So long, old man. Help me!

SPEAKER_02 24:13

Help me! Come along with me. We'll dance until on until there's just you and me and baby. If the music is right, I'll teach you to love some late at night. And we'll go dance a baby, then you'll see.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

Our plays are produced by Bernard et Armstrong and recorded by David Peters at Oak House Studio in Altadena, California. Sound effects are provided by Audio Jungle and music from Karaoke Version. If you are interested in submitting a play for production, you can find that information on our website, www.opendoorplayhouse.org. Please share this podcast with friends and don't forget to subscribe so you will be notified when our next production is live.