THEATER 186: The Cloud

An elderly, grieving widower, with the help of a friend, searches for an image of his late wife in The Cloud so he can sing his beloved a Heavenly Merry Christmas greeting.

Bernadette Armstrong directs a cast that includes Christine Uhebe as Sandra and Daamen Krall as Harry.

S.J. Roth is the playwright. Based in Santa Monica, he received an MFA from Carnegie Mellon University. His previous plays include Sutton, Ben and Augie, Hell and Back, Losin’ It, Blind Kisses, Venice Love, Bonnie’s Wanted Man, and more.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hello and welcome to Open Door Playhouse, a theater podcast that celebrates live theater on the podcast stage. I'm Christine Webby. At Open Door Playhouse, we strive to bring our listeners thoughtful and surprising 10-minute shorts and one-act plays that showcase insightful and new perspectives of the world we share with others. Open Door Playhouse is a 501 C3 theater organization. Support for Open Door Playhouse comes from listeners like you. Your tax-deductible donations help keep our place on the podcast stage. Now playing in Theater 186, The Cloud, written by AsJ Roth and directed by Bernadette Armstrong, starring Christine Webby as Sandra and Damon Kroll as Harry. They told me at the Apple store.

SPEAKER_03 1:21

So where is she?

SPEAKER_01 1:24

She's in the cloud. That's where your daughter Rita put her.

SPEAKER_03 1:29

You're saying Rita put my Evelyn?

SPEAKER_01 1:33

Let her rest in ease.

SPEAKER_03 1:35

A cloud?

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:38

Why would she do such a thing? She's such a good kid.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

It's not just any cloud, Harry. It's the cloud.

SPEAKER_03 1:47

I taught biology, chemistry, physics, even astronomy until some little bastard stole the telescopes for 41 years. And you have the audacity, the chutzvah, to tell me about the cloud as if it deserves the the before it.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Harry, you are raising your voice.

SPEAKER_03 2:07

That's right, I'm raising my voice. And anybody in his right mind would too if you told him such nonsense. Shh.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Lower your voice.

SPEAKER_03 2:17

They will take you away. Forty-one years, Sandra. Forty-one years! And never once did I hear about the cloud.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

Harry, you did teach high school science for 41 years, but you've been retired for 35 years. Life is different now. There really is another cloud. And it's just a nice safe place where you can store photos and documents.

SPEAKER_03 2:45

So, uh so it's a different kind of cloud?

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Right, it's a different kind of cloud.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

Not a cumulus stratuserus or nimbus.

SPEAKER_01 2:56

No, none of those.

SPEAKER_03 2:59

It's man-made?

SPEAKER_01 3:01

Oh yes, very much man-made. It's actually on the ground, not in the sky.

SPEAKER_03 3:08

Oh, well, thank God for the constants of science.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

And that's where your picture of Evelyn is.

SPEAKER_03 3:15

But the real Evelyn is is still in heaven, right?

SPEAKER_01 3:21

Nothing has changed on that score.

SPEAKER_03 3:24

Did you tell them, uh the people at the Apple store, how important it is for me to find her picture?

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Yes, of course.

SPEAKER_03 3:34

I mean to find it to find her today. To sing Merry Christmas to her on Christmas morning.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Wait a minute. You want to sing Merry Christmas to Evelyn?

SPEAKER_03 3:48

Well, of course I do.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

But you're Jewish, Harry.

SPEAKER_03 3:53

So is my Evelyn.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

So why in the world would you want to sing Merry Christmas to her?

SPEAKER_03 3:59

Oh, Jews love Christmas. All Jews? What do I know from all Jews? This Jew loves Christmas, and so does Evelyn. What are you gonna do? Rat me out to Santa Claus? Uh the people at the Apple store don't know about the singing, do they?

SPEAKER_01 4:17

No, they don't. But they are going to be pleasantly surprised.

SPEAKER_03 4:22

Do you think?

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Absolutely. They are going to feel like singing, too.

SPEAKER_03 4:26

Well, they're not gonna join in, are they?

SPEAKER_01 4:29

No. The people at the Apple store know their place.

SPEAKER_03 4:33

Well, you better find her fast. Now we have nine minutes, not a second less. Bernardo makes sure of that. Oh look at him. He has a timer.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

Harry, what is it?

SPEAKER_03 4:48

Look at them.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

Who?

SPEAKER_03 4:51

Frederick and Joyce. They're in line laughing at me.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

They're not laughing at you, Harry. They're just happy to be next online.

SPEAKER_03 5:00

They're happy because I'm agitated. They know we can't find her.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

We can find her. We will find her. And besides, they're just gebutzing, having a good time.

SPEAKER_03 5:12

Now, at my expense.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Oh, you're paranoid, Harry. They have no idea what we're doing.

SPEAKER_03 5:20

They know one thing. They know our time is running out, and they're thrilled.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

Ignore them, Harry.

SPEAKER_03 5:29

You can't ignore sadists like them. The kind of people who take their teeth out at breakfast.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

Just give me the keyboard. See? There it is. Sign in.

SPEAKER_03 5:42

I can't.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

Why not?

SPEAKER_03 5:45

I I don't have my glasses.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

Go get them.

SPEAKER_03 5:49

Well I can't. They broke.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Don't you have another pair? An extra pair?

SPEAKER_03 5:54

Well, you know what happened that day. That was the day I was going to get another pair at Costco, but the bus left without me.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

The bus left without you because you didn't sign up.

SPEAKER_03 6:07

Why should I have signed up? Everybody knew they were broken.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

It's not about what people knew, Harry. It's about signing up for the bus.

SPEAKER_03 6:16

Oh, enough with the signing up. I'm sick and tired of signing up. What kind of a life is this? To sign up for everything, eh? Did Watson and Creek sign up to discover the double hex structure of DNA, huh? Or did Albert Einstein sign up to invent the theory of relativity?

SPEAKER_01 6:35

Those were scientific discoveries.

SPEAKER_03 6:37

You're damn right.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

Harry, this is the bus to Costco. You have to sign up.

SPEAKER_03 6:45

Sign up. What happened to free will? If Aristotle were a resident here, he'd give Bernardo and all the rest a good peace of his mind. He'd say, It is in our power to act or not to act. And so, insofar it is in our power to act, we are free. Hmm. Believe you me, Aristotle would not sign up for the bus, and he'd still get to Costco.

SPEAKER_01 7:13

Well, Aristotle doesn't live here. Next time, you'll remember to sign up to go.

SPEAKER_03 7:19

Next time.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Okay. Back to it. Let me see this. Okay, so what's your password?

SPEAKER_03 7:29

Oh no. Oh no, I'm not giving that away. Not my password. No offense, Sandra. But nobody, but nobody is getting that out of me. No, sir. Why? It's a secret. And I don't give away secrets. I'm no rat.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

A rat? This is an emergency, and you're wasting time. Bernardo is smiling at his timer.

SPEAKER_03 7:54

Hmm. Another sadist.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Come on, Harry. What's your password?

SPEAKER_03 8:00

Mr. Schultz said never to give anybody your password. Well, he should know. He's run this place for years.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

And it's a dump.

SPEAKER_03 8:08

Well, it's a dump because people stole passwords.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

Is that what he said?

SPEAKER_03 8:13

Not he inferred it.

SPEAKER_01 8:15

To get himself off the hook. He's the reason this place is a dump. Don't buy what he's selling, Harry.

SPEAKER_03 8:22

A cyber attack occurs once every 39 seconds. Why? Forty-three percent of the time because of a stolen password. I know this for a fact.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

How can you say that? Do you consider me your friend?

SPEAKER_03 8:39

Are you kidding? You're my best friend. Who else would look for Evelyn with me?

SPEAKER_00 8:46

So what's your password?

SPEAKER_03 8:48

Mr. Schultz said not to share your password with anyone. And he meant anyone. Not even family members. I'm not going to rat him out.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

Who comforted you when your Evelyn passed?

SPEAKER_03 9:04

You?

SPEAKER_01 9:05

For six months, Harry.

SPEAKER_03 9:09

Don't remind me.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

Who suggested they alter your medication after you bit Milton?

SPEAKER_03 9:16

Well, Milton was stealing candy from the bingo game. Somebody had to do something.

SPEAKER_01 9:21

Was your medication altered?

SPEAKER_03 9:24

Yes, it was.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

What's your password?

SPEAKER_03 9:29

Oh, there's got to be another way. Another way to get into the cloud.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

I am telling you, Harry, this is the only way.

SPEAKER_03 9:38

Bernardo set it up like this, huh? So it would be the only way. So we'd be at his mercy. He knew I'd forget my password one day. Oh, and of all days to forget it. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times. He's another Mussolini.

SPEAKER_01 9:57

Ah, wake up and smell the coffee, Harry. Bernardo didn't set it up like that. He didn't beat you to the punch. The world operates on passwords now. And after all we've been through, how dare you not trust me with your rotten stinking password? A password I'd forget in half a second. You're slipping, Harry. Slipping fast. I see it every day. You're not just irritable. You lash out. Your arguments don't hold water. And all I get from you is grief and bitterness. After all the looking out for you I do. I remind you every day what day it is.

SPEAKER_03 10:37

Can I help it if I'm partial to Tuesdays?

SPEAKER_01 10:39

It's not just the days. I make sure you take your meds. I even check your pillbox. If there's an event or a party, who reserves a seat for you? It's not right, Harry. It just isn't right. I'm not your private nurse. You don't think I miss my Joseph? That there is a hole in my heart as big as yours? But no, the world revolves around you. I guess it always has. Let me go.

SPEAKER_03 11:11

Oh, oh no. Cassandra, please. Please don't go. I I I'm sorry about your Joseph. I'm sorry I haven't asked about him. Or asked about how you're doing. How how you're coping after his loss.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

Thank you. I accept your apology. Now please sit down.

SPEAKER_03 11:40

Okay. Here. Take this piece of paper.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Is this your password? Oh my god! This is your pass Empirical Harry 38. This is it! This is your password! This is what you want! Harry? What is it? Aren't you thrilled? Now you can sing Merry Christmas to Evelyn! Oh, I'm over the moon! My heart is beating so fast, I may take a Xanax.

SPEAKER_03 12:15

I'm a selfish bastard.

SPEAKER_01 12:18

Oh, you're not a selfish bastard. You're just very stubborn. And don't curse. Bernardo will hear you.

SPEAKER_03 12:27

I was stubborn with Evelyn. Well, she told me that all the time. I disagreed, but she was right. And sometimes, oh sometimes we'd go at it.

SPEAKER_01 12:39

Everybody goes at it.

SPEAKER_03 12:42

Do you think she forgives me?

SPEAKER_01 12:45

Yes, Harry. I'm sure she forgives you. Did you take your meds?

SPEAKER_03 12:51

I I don't remember.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

And you're sure, you're sure this is your password.

SPEAKER_03 12:58

As sure as the time of my colonoscopy this Friday.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Okay, let's see. I think I'm in.

SPEAKER_03 13:07

Where?

SPEAKER_01 13:08

The cloud.

SPEAKER_03 13:09

Oh so so where is she?

SPEAKER_01 13:12

I'm looking, I'm looking. If using iCloud, your photos will automatically appear in the Photos app.

SPEAKER_03 13:20

Uh-oh.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

Relax, we're almost there.

SPEAKER_03 13:23

Uh uh. Bernard is holding up two fingers.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

That means two minutes. Now where is the photos app?

SPEAKER_03 13:31

He's smiling. Smiling at me the way he did when he woke me up that day and I took a swing at him. He's smiling because he knows we lost her. We can't find her.

SPEAKER_01 13:43

Wait! Isn't this her?

SPEAKER_03 13:46

Oh my god. Oh my god, yes. Yes, that's her. That's my Evelyn. Evelyn.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

Mary. Mary.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

You can do it, Harry.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

I can't. I can't. You sing.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

No, not me. She wants you to sing.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

She's gone. She's passed. She can't want any more.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Then she would she would want you to sing.

SPEAKER_03 14:19

You're right. She would.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

By the way, Bernardo is still smiling. He thinks you forgot the words.

SPEAKER_03 14:30

Forgot the words. Forgot the words. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. And a Happy New Year.

SPEAKER_01 14:54

Wonderful, Harry. Wonderful. Just in time. Here comes Bernardo with Joyce and Frederick.

SPEAKER_03 15:01

Don't get too close. Neither of them take showers. Last question. I know I've asked a lot.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

It's okay.

SPEAKER_03 15:12

Did you tell the people at the Apple store that the real Evelyn, not not the picture of Evelyn that's in the cloud, but the real Evelyn is in heaven?

SPEAKER_01 15:24

No, I didn't have to.

SPEAKER_03 15:26

Why not?

SPEAKER_01 15:27

They already know.

SPEAKER_03 15:29

And they know how much I loved her?

SPEAKER_01 15:32

Yes, Harry. And not just the people at the Apple store. Everybody knows. The whole world knows.

SPEAKER_03 15:41

The whole world knows?

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Yes, the whole world knows.

unknown 15:46

Huh.

SPEAKER_03 15:47

Well good. Now I can take my nap.

SPEAKER_04 16:11

We wish. Merry Christmas. We wish. Merry Christmas. We wish. Merry Christmas.

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Our plays are produced by Bernadette Armstrong, recorded at the Oak House Studio in Altadina, California, and mixed by our talented sound engineer David Peters. Sound effects and music downloaded from Audio Jungle and Karaoke version. If you are interested in submitting a play for production, you can find that information on our website www.opendorplayhouse.org. Please share this podcast with friends and do not forget to subscribe so you will be notified when our next production goes live on the podcast.