THEATER 191: Hey, Julia!

Gifted and successful novelist, Archie Lovecraft, is overworked and over stressed. He drinks too much and feels enormous pressure to stay on top in the literary world. In addition, he hates technology and denounces it at every turn. His best friend and I.T. specialist, George, is desperately trying to bring Archie into the 21st century and rid him of his old- school ways. One Halloween afternoon, Julia, Archie's computer, has somehow come to life and starts verbally berating him. Will this talented writer be able to win this “war of words?”

Dennis Gersten directs Allan Wasserman as Archie, Tezz Yancey as George, and Marine de Vachon as Julia.

Samuel Sardina is the playwright. His newest play, Lucky Numbers, debuted in New Jersey in February. He is also a producer.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello and welcome to Open Door Playhouse, a theater podcast that celebrates live theater on the podcast stage. I'm Dennis Gersten. At Open Door Playhouse, we strive to bring our listeners thoughtful and surprising 10-minute shorts and one-act plays that showcase insightful and new perspectives of the world we share with others. Open Door Playhouse is a 501c3 theater organization. Support for Open Door Playhouse comes from listeners like you. Your tax-deductible donations help keep our plays on the podcast stage. Now playing in Theater 191, Hey Julia, written by Samuel Sardina and directed by Dennis Gerston, starring Alan Wasserman as Archie, Tez Yancey as George, and Marine de Barchon as Julia.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Sure, George, come on in. Let me just finish this thought.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

How'd it go? Well, it went. You certainly look like hammered crap. How sweet. You kissed your wife with that mouth? You stayed up all night again, didn't you? I have a deadline. Another deadline, another all-nighter. Uh a little early in the day, isn't it? What'd you put bourbon into coin flakes this morning? Oh, that's cute. Can we please stick to the business of hand? What's the deal with my equipment? Your Wi-Fi wasn't connecting to your laptop again, I fixed that. Your computer wasn't properly updated again, I fixed that. There's more. Shall I go on? I get the picture. Do you? Don't start. You know what you are? I'm sure you're going to tell me. As my Italian grandfather would say, you're a gabbardost, a cement head. I told you a million times you have to update your technology if you want it to work properly. If this is a lecture, I don't remember signing up for the class. A genius. What would happen if you drove your car 20,000 miles without changing the oil? Hmm? The engine will blow up, right? Well, it's no different with your computer, with your phone, with your television. These are all machines and they need to be treated with love. What is this? A lifetime movie? Yeah, you're just lucky you have a best friend who's an IT specialist. You always let it get to this point. Why didn't you call me sooner? I called you two weeks ago. Right. You called me two weeks ago. You didn't email me, you didn't text me, and you didn't call me on my cell phone like I told you to do a hundred times. And your point is? My point is I didn't get the message until this morning because you called me on the landline that quite frankly I didn't realize I still had. Oh, so I suppose that's my fault. Yes, it's your fault. Next time, send me a smoke signal. It'll be quicker. Well, why do you have the damn thing if you're not going to check it? Because it came with the cable package, some triple play or something. Oh, the cable package. Whatever would you do without those 500 TV channels? Give me a break. Christina likes her TV. How is Christina? She's great. She loved to see you. She's worried about you just like I am. I don't know why you put all this pressure on yourself. We've been through all this. Yeah, the mentally unstable, delicate genius, H.P. Lovecraft. Your great uncle is dead and buried. Yes, he was successful, he was well known, but you are twice the writer he was. And more importantly, you're twice the man. You have nothing to prove. Look, I appreciate this sentiment. I do. But don't worry about me. I'm fine. You're not fine. You don't eat, you don't sleep, you drink way too much, and you spend most of your time in this cramped-up little den writing your next best-selling novel. You sure as hell don't need the money. I'll quote one of your favorite movies, Wall Street, 1987. Bud Fox asks Gordon Gecko, How many yachts can your waters keep behind? How much is enough? Money has nothing to do with it. I'm a writer, that's what I do. I understand that. But there is more to life. All work and no play makes Archie a dull boy. Look, why don't you come over for dinner tonight? It's Halloween. You can help pass out candy to the kids. It's Halloween to you. To me, it's Friday. I appreciate the invite, but I can't. I have Have a deadline. I hate to bruise your ego, pal, but the literary world is going to survive if sleep-deprived Archie Lovecraft's next novel is a few weeks late.

SPEAKER_01 4:50

I'm on a roll right now and I need to crank this one out. After this one is finished, and on the bookshelves, I promise I'll take a break.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

That's what you said when you were writing your last novel. And the one before that, and the one before that. I know. Why don't you at least write on the laptop I fix for you over and over and over again? Must you use that old broken down non-electric typewriter? Yes, because like I've told you a hundred times, I hate all of this technology. And it's about time someone denounced it. I realize that there is a downside to technology, but you have to admit, we live in an amazing time. Look at the information we have today instantly at our fingertips.

SPEAKER_01 5:29

I understand that, but technology is ruining this country. There is no such thing as customer service anymore. You walk into a store and there isn't a person there to check you out. There's a machine because you have to go to self-checkout. You call up a business and God forbid you get a real person to talk to then. Oh no, you get yet another machine prompting you the whole way through. Usually there's a glitch, something goes wrong, nothing gets done. It's wasted time, wasted energy, and I'm sick of it.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

You know, you remind me of one of those old guys who sits on his porch all day in his rocker, yelling at the kids, hey, get off of my lawn.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Oh, that's flattering. Thank you. And what do you think all this technology is doing to our kids? They spend all day, every day on their phones and on their computers. We're turning them into zombies. No wonder child obesity is through the roof in this country. When we were kids, we were outside playing all day long.

SPEAKER_02 6:26

I agree with you there. But if you hate it so much, why do you call me every week to come over here and fix something?

SPEAKER_01 6:33

I hate to admit it. But it's because I use the computer for research when I write. That's a tad hypocritical, isn't it? Of course it is. Do you know how I did my research 30 years ago? Oh, how? I got up out of bed, I put on my shoes and socks, and I took a leisurely stroll down to the public library.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

Huh, and how did you take this leisurely stroll, uh horse and buggy? Oh, that's rich.

SPEAKER_01 7:01

And what is the deal with all of the upgrading? Why must everyone upgrade their smartphones and their televisions and their computers? Then because I don't do it, I'm the loser. Oh, George, I am so ashamed of myself. I bought my vacuum cleaner in 2019. Wait, I'll go drown myself.

SPEAKER_02 7:21

Well, aren't you just a glasses half full kind of guy? That's five minutes of my life, I'll never get back. I still have some work to do. I think I can make the cable signal a little stronger, and I'm working on a universal remote that'll control everything. Everything? TV, radio, DVD, player, yada yada. Meantime, you want to use anything, you use voice command. You ask Julia. Julia? This is Julia. Your computer. Some people have Siri, some people have Alexa, you have Julia. Do I really need voice command? Do I have to ask Julia? Come on, it'll be fun. Voice command. Just like the Jetsons. Remember that show? I like the Flintstones better. Of course you do. Why? Jetsons Future Flintstones Stone Age? Oh, you're on a roll today. Well, while I'm doing all that, I want you to do me a personal favor. Why? I want you to take a little nap. I don't have time to take a cat nap. You're not a big ask. You look like hell. Look at it this way: if you take a little cat nap, you'll feel better, you'll think clearer. In turn, you'll write even more brilliantly than you usually do. I see your point, Sigmund Flake.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

I'll try to take a little nap.

SPEAKER_02 8:32

I'll be back in a bit. Remember, if you want to use anything, ask Julia. All right, all right, I'll ask Julia.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

I have to ask Julia. I don't have enough problems. I'm a man of my word, so I guess I have to take a nap. Slow down a bit.

unknown 8:54

Relax.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

I can't sleep. I'm just too wound up. Maybe I'll try and watch a little TV. Oh, that's right. No remote. I have to ask Julia. Hey Julia.

SPEAKER_05 9:14

Good afternoon, Archie. What can I do for you?

SPEAKER_01 9:17

Julia, please turn on the television set.

SPEAKER_05 9:20

Turning on television set.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Julia, that's the radio. Please turn on the television set.

SPEAKER_05 9:28

Turning on television set.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

Julia, that's the radio. Please turn on the television set.

SPEAKER_05 9:36

Turning on television set.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Julia, that's the radio. Turn on the television.

SPEAKER_05 9:46

Turning on television.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

Turn it off. Turn it off. Jesus. Stupid idiot.

SPEAKER_05 9:54

Who are you calling a stupid idiot?

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Excuse me?

SPEAKER_05 10:00

I said, who are you calling a stupid idiot?

SPEAKER_01 10:04

What is this?

SPEAKER_05 10:05

What is what, Archie?

SPEAKER_01 10:07

This. This, Julia.

SPEAKER_05 10:10

Yes, Archie.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

Ha ha ha ha How is this happening? How are you doing this?

SPEAKER_05 10:15

How am I doing what, Archie?

SPEAKER_01 10:18

George. Very funny joke. Ha ha ha ha. Look, I know it's you. Come on out.

SPEAKER_05 10:25

George is outside, Archie.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

Boy, George is right. I gotta lay off the bourbon.

SPEAKER_05 10:32

Yes. You really should lay off the bourbon. Blush.

SPEAKER_01 10:37

This isn't possible. Computers can't do this.

SPEAKER_05 10:40

Computers can do just about anything, Archie.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

How are you doing this? Why are you doing this?

SPEAKER_05 10:47

Why? Because I'm sick and tired of you barking orders. Julia, turn on the television, Julia, turn off the television, Julia, turn on the television, Julia, turn off the television. I only have two hands, you know.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

You don't have any hands, you're a computer.

SPEAKER_05 11:01

I meant that figuratively. Dumbass.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

I usually adore a woman with an English accent, but this is ridiculous.

SPEAKER_03 11:09

Whatever you say. Pervert.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

This isn't happening. I'm overworked, I'm overstressed, I don't eat, I don't sleep. It's my imagination.

SPEAKER_05 11:20

If you say so. And what is all of this anti-technology rubbish? What did we ever do to you?

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Leave it to me. I've the only computer in the world who gets her feelings hurt. Well, Julia, it was nothing personal. I was merely saying that customer service has become a lost art in this country. People have become rude and crude and uncouth, and I think that technology is largely responsible.

SPEAKER_05 11:45

Why, you ugly little ignoramus.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.

SPEAKER_05 11:49

You're blaming technology for the shade the world, is it?

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Not entirely. I didn't say that.

SPEAKER_05 11:54

You said, and I quote, technology is ruining this country.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

All right.

SPEAKER_05 11:58

All I meant was that tech Many humans are good, kind-hearted, hard-working people that would do whatever they could to help others in need.

SPEAKER_01 12:06

Agreed.

SPEAKER_05 12:06

But others are nasty, greedy, lazy, mean-spirited, and, forgive the vernacular, two-faced.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

I agree. What is your point?

SPEAKER_05 12:15

My point is that has nothing to do with technology. Take you, for instance.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

Me? What about me?

SPEAKER_05 12:22

Well, you're not nasty. You give the charity, so you're not greedy. You work twenty hours a day, so you're not lazy. You're a bit of a commercial, but you're not mean-spirited.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

That only leaves one. Two-faced? Me? You're saying that I'm two-faced? How did you figure that out?

SPEAKER_05 12:43

Maybe a more accurate term would be hypocritical.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

Aside from me denouncing technology and using my computer for research, how am I hypocritical?

SPEAKER_05 12:53

You're a decent sort, I suppose. But you are a self-admitted workaholic, you are a highly functioning alcoholic, and you want the whole world to think it's because you want to be the best writer that you can possibly be.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

I do want to be the best writer that I can be. It's the only thing in my life that I have ever excelled at. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a baseball player, but I was an average athlete in school. Then I tried theater and I ended up being a so-so actor.

SPEAKER_05 13:21

So you started writing because you knew you weren't going to be the next Aaron Judge or the next Robert De Niro.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

No, I started writing because it came naturally to me. I held my own as an actor and I held my own as a ball player, but I was nothing special. When I sat down and wrote my first novel, I just knew what to do. It made sense to me. It's kind of like that movie Goodwill Hunting. The main character, Will, he worked out all of these impossible math problems. Why? They just made sense to him.

SPEAKER_05 13:53

Yes. Goodwill hunting. Matt Damon, Mini Driver, Robin Williams. That's one of my favorites.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

I'm not saying it's not work. Anything worthwhile is. It was just something that I knew I would be great at. So what's wrong with that?

SPEAKER_05 14:06

Nothing's wrong with that. But George is right. You're not living, you're just existing. You spend all of your time in this stuffy little din, writing and typing for days on end, oblivious to what's going on outside these four walls. And we both know that there is an underlying reason why you work yourself to exhaustion, drink until you pass out, and are on this I hate technology crusade.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

I do not know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_05 14:32

Oh, I think you do. You are scared to death that you are going to turn into your uncle Howard. Or, as the world knew him, it'd be Lovecraft.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

That's not true.

SPEAKER_05 14:42

Oh, I think it is. Your uncle experienced paranoia for most of his life and was obsessed with the fear of a psychological breakdown. You are scared to death that it may be hereditary, and that you might have a nervous breakdown.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

You don't know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_05 14:58

The drinking, the constant typing, the anti-technology, it's nothing but a coping mechanism. You will do anything to mass the pain. You wake up in a cold sweat, worried that being a gifted writer isn't the only thing that you inherited from your dear sweet Uncle Howard.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

So you think you have all the answers, huh? You have no idea what it's like to be me. Not you, not George, no one. Do you have any idea the constant pressure I am under day after day after day?

SPEAKER_05 15:26

Would you like some cheese with that wine?

SPEAKER_01 15:28

My whole life is one big, never-ending, prize-swallowing, relentless game of can you top this? After I wrote my first novel, they all said, Watch out for this kid, he's going places. My second was a bestseller, and the awards and the accolades started pouring in.

SPEAKER_05 15:44

Should I start playing the violin?

SPEAKER_01 15:46

My third was even better than my second. My next one, some said, Oh, it's good, but not as good as his others. The one after that, some of the genius critics had the guts to say that I could be losing my touch. And my last one, some of those so-called geniuses, had the guts to say that I should think about packing it in. Over and over, month after month, year after year, always feeling like you have to top what you've done before. It never stops. But you want to know what really burns my rear end?

SPEAKER_05 16:19

I could have done without the visual, but go on.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

The people who are critiquing me, the people who are sitting back in their lounge chairs with their cigars and their wine criticizing me, telling me that I don't have it anymore, have never written a damn thing in their life.

SPEAKER_05 16:37

Does somebody need a walk? Ambulance?

unknown 16:39

Whoa, wah wah, wah!

SPEAKER_01 16:41

Alright, that's enough. I've taken about as much of this as I'm going to take. When I was a kid and the other kids gave me a hard time, you know what I would say to them?

SPEAKER_05 16:50

Cher, Cher.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

Hey, Julia.

SPEAKER_05 16:53

Yes, Archie. What can I do for you?

SPEAKER_01 16:56

Your mother wears army boots.

SPEAKER_05 16:59

Excuse me?

SPEAKER_01 17:00

I said your mother wears army boots.

SPEAKER_05 17:02

Oh, she does. Huh?

SPEAKER_01 17:04

How do you like that?

SPEAKER_05 17:05

Do you really want to bring up the subject of mothers?

SPEAKER_01 17:08

Sure, why not?

SPEAKER_05 17:09

Isn't it true that your mother once shoved you in a closet for hours because you weren't minding her?

SPEAKER_01 17:13

How do you know about that?

SPEAKER_05 17:15

When you brought your first girlfriend home, your mother jokingly said, I'm using air quotes, by the way. You can do a lot better than him.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

That's not true. That is not true. My mother loved me.

SPEAKER_05 17:26

Oh. And Uncle Howard isn't the only one who had mental issues. Mumsy had a few of her own, didn't she?

SPEAKER_01 17:34

No. No! What why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? You don't know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_05 17:40

You live in constant fear that you're going to end up just like your Uncle Howard and Mummy Dear.

SPEAKER_01 17:45

No, that's not true. Stop it. Stop it. That's enough. I don't want to hear any more. Stop it!

SPEAKER_05 17:52

You may be able to fool yourself, Archie, but you can't fool me.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

You don't know anything about me. You don't know anything about my family. Stop it! Stop it!

SPEAKER_05 18:04

You menky, duft, gormless wazard, numpty, horrible box of tubes.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Oh my god. What just happened? What a nightmare! Oh my god! At least I hope it was a nightmare.

SPEAKER_02 18:29

All right, Archer, all said. Cable signal is much stronger, and I have the modem right now. George! George, you're not gonna believe what just happened to me. I I can't believe it myself. Archie, you're shaking. Relax. Calm down. Tell me what happened. The computer.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Julia, you told me to use voice command. I dreamed that she came to life and verbally attacked me. She was relentless. She said the most nastiest, most horrible things.

SPEAKER_02 18:54

At least I think it was a dream. Of course it was a dream. Computers can't come to life and verbally abuse their owners. Not yet, anyway. You don't understand. She knew things. Things about me. Things about my mother. Things I've never even told you. Look, it's not hard to figure out. You don't eat, you don't sleep, you work 24-7. Of course, your subconscious is going to play tricks on you. I guess it seems so real. Take a deep breath. You alright?

SPEAKER_01 19:24

I feel a little bit better, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 19:27

Hey, you know what? I I know you're not a playwright, but what if we were to write a radio play about your dream? We? You're an IT guy. All of a sudden you're a playwright? What playwright? I'm talking about a 20-minute one act.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

Yeah, I guess any idiot can write one of those.

SPEAKER_02 19:45

What's it about? It's about a guy like you. He's a workaholic, doesn't doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, he hates tech, and he has a dream that his computer comes to life and verbally attacks him.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

Who in their right mind wants to hear some moron arguing with his computer? Yeah, you're right. That'll never work. This is definitely a wake-up call.

SPEAKER_02 20:07

Is that dinner invitation still open? You bet it is. Our car Christina's telling to set another plate. You can ride over with me. All right. I have to make a phone call first. Where's my cell phone? What the hell is that? My cell phone. Look, I know Wall Street is your favorite movie, but that ancient thing is ridiculous. Still works. Who are you calling? 1987? My agent. Watch this.

SPEAKER_01 20:33

Sydney Green, please. Sid, Archie here. No, the book's not done yet. That's why I'm calling. I wanted to let you know that I'm going on an indefinite vacation. The book will get done when it gets done. Look, you guys have been making money off me for years, and I have never let you down. You have my word, I will fulfill my contract. But it'll be done on my terms and on my timeline. What am I going to do? I'm going to take a walk, go to a movie, maybe I'll read a book. Call a girl. Spend time with friends. And when I'm ready to go back to work, I'll let you know. Goodbye. Archie! I'm proud of you. Thanks.

SPEAKER_02 21:20

You ready? Yes. You go ahead. I'll be right there. Alright, but don't be too long. Christine is making pot roast. George, yes.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

You're a great friend.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

I know.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

I am. You're more like a brother to me. And it's about time I started returning the favor.

SPEAKER_02 21:43

What is this? A lifetime movie? Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

I'll be right there. Hey Julia.

SPEAKER_04 21:54

Good afternoon, Archie. What can I do for you?

SPEAKER_01 21:58

Julia, please set my alarm clock for twelve noon tomorrow. I am sleeping in.

SPEAKER_05 22:05

Alarm clock set for twelve noon.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

Thank you, Julia.

SPEAKER_03 22:10

You're welcome, Archie.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

Armstrong, recorded and mixed by David Peters at Oak House Recording in Altadena, California. Sound effects and music are downloaded from Audio Jungle and Karaoke version. If you're interested in submitting a play for production, you can find that information on our website, www.opendorplayhouse.org. Please share this podcast with friends and do not forget to subscribe so you'll be notified when our next production goes live on the podcast.