THEATER 192: The Marshmallow Connection

A yearslong battle that involved a notorious baseball manager, a marshmallow salesman and a few swinging punches comes to a resolution at a dive bar in Pennsylvania.

Mimi Kmet directs a cast that includes Matt Foyer as Daniel, Goreti da Silva as Barb, Kenajuan Bentley as Pete, and Gary Lamb as the Cop. 

Judith Isacoff is the playwright. She is the author of the books Adventures in Tuscany and Working Girl’s Guide to Hong Kong, as well as several short plays, including Vietnam Wives. She is a graduate of the University of Missouri-Columbia.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello and welcome to Open Door Playhouse, a theater podcast that celebrates live theater on the podcast stage. I'm Mimi Kemet. At Open Door Playhouse, we strive to bring our listeners thoughtful and surprising 10-minute shorts and one-act plays that showcase insightful and new perspectives of the world we share with others. Open Door Playhouse is a 501c3 theater organization. Support for Open Door Playhouse comes from listeners like you. Your tax-deductible donations help keep our place on the podcast stage. Now playing in Theater 191, the Marshmallow Connection, written by Judith Isakoff, directed by Mimi Kamat, and starring Matt Foyer as Daniel, Goretti da Silva as Barb, Kenowan Bentley as Pete, and Gary Lamb as the cop.

SPEAKER_05 1:02

Yeah. Sure, Buzz, I can get you a case of the coconut toasted ones before Passover. Yeah. Yeah. What? Do you think I don't know they go like kosher hot cakes that time of year? I've been doing this for 23. No, make that 24 years already. Hey, are you sure you don't want any more of those miniatures before the summer rush? Okay. But give that pretty wife of yours some hot s'ores, if you know what I mean, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, Buzz. You take care now. And uh oh, wait. Uh give my best Darlene. All right. Closing another deal, are you, Pete? Yeah, sure, that Buzz. He's a good guy. And a good friend. And one of my best customers. He's all about those toasted coconut marshmallows, the ones they gotta have for Passover. I guess after all that matzo, they gotta have something taste good.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

I don't know anything about that. For me, I just like those big puffy white marshmallows, like the kind we used to roast as a kid.

SPEAKER_05 2:07

Hey, I got a few extra bags of those out in the car. I can grab them for you before I leave. Give 'em to your kids. You got somewhere to roast them? Mm-hmm. Well, you could start a fire in this place, huh? Wouldn't be so bad if it burned down. You know I'm just razzing ya.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Thanks, Pete. You're a peach. It's been a tough year. Bar's not making money no more now that salesmen do all that fancy stuff online, except for you, Pete. And your little stopover every couple of months don't really pay the bills here. Not that I don't love seeing you, but this place is hanging on by a thread.

SPEAKER_05 2:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:46

Hello. Hi there. Um, excuse me, could I have a glass of white wine, please?

SPEAKER_02 2:53

Name's Barb. Bud, Bud Light, or Roland Rock.

SPEAKER_04 2:57

Oh, uh, excuse me. No, um, thanks. I was asking for a glass of white wine.

SPEAKER_02 3:02

Seriously? Does this look like the kind of place that has a wine list? Bud, Bud Light, or Roland Rock?

SPEAKER_04 3:10

Oh, well, um, in that case, Barb? Bud Light, please. Hey, how are you? Daniel, and you are?

SPEAKER_05 3:23

Pete. How you doing? What brings you to this here uh elegant spot, huh?

SPEAKER_04 3:32

I'm just here for a book reading and and killing time before I go to the airport. And I heard about this place. Thought I'd stop by.

SPEAKER_02 3:42

You heard about this place, huh? Well, you must have heard that it's not long for this world, then. We're losing money like a drunk with a hole in his pocket.

SPEAKER_04 3:51

Oh, well, sorry to hear that, Barb. Book reading, Daniel?

SPEAKER_05 3:55

Uh what'd you write?

SPEAKER_04 3:58

Oh, not me. No, I I didn't write anything. I I came here to listen to a reading by Oran Pamuk. Well, uh book reading and discussion, I should say.

SPEAKER_05 4:08

Pamuk? Yeah. Never heard of him. Hey, Bob, you've been around this town a long time. You ever heard this guy Pamuk?

SPEAKER_02 4:16

You kidding me? No, never heard of him. I only read Tommy Kornheiser in the sports section, but I wouldn't go across the street to hear him. He's on TV all the time, so I can just hear him from my couch.

SPEAKER_04 4:28

Orhan Pamuk? Nobel Prize winner? He's a Turkish author who uh well never mind. Anyway, yeah, that's why I'm here. How about you? Uh sales trip.

SPEAKER_05 4:42

Hey, Barb, how about another? Yeah. What do you sell? Marshmallows. Marshmallows? Really? Yeah, kid, marshmallows. And by the way, I've heard them all, all right? Every one of them. All the jokes. All the jokes. So uh don't even start with me about it. Oh, okay.

unknown 5:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 5:06

I'm just making conversation here. Let me tell you something, kid. If you want to make conversation in a bar, any bar, but this bar in particular, you choose another topic besides some writer from Turkey that no one's ever heard of.

SPEAKER_04 5:19

Well, excuse me, but that author is famous. He's sold something like 13 million books.

SPEAKER_05 5:23

Yeah, well, I sell more marshmallows than that in a year to Russell Stover alone, all right? Hey, Bob, how about another beer?

SPEAKER_02 5:31

Here you go, sweetheart. He's not lying, you know, Daniel.

SPEAKER_04 5:36

Yeah, that's pretty impressive. You're obviously good at your job. But I mean, it does make me smile just for a minute, though. Because I remember my dad telling me that legendary story about the fight Billy Martin had with a marshmallow salesman back in the 80s.

SPEAKER_05 5:54

1979, kid. 1979. Yeah, that salesman was my Uncle Joe. That SOB Martin came right out and sucker punched him, decked him. What, it been nearly 50 years ago? Now we get training against that sort of thing. The union doesn't put up with that crap. Whether it's from Billy Martin, may he rot away wherever he is, or anyone else. Wow. Really? You guys have a union? Of course we got a union. The real name is the Confectioner's Association, but us sales types, we never call it that.

SPEAKER_04 6:27

What are your bargaining demands? No more pastels, vegan gelatin. Sorry, I'm just having fun. Come on, it's funny. Okay. Okay. Do you guys in bars still think you're softies, puffs? Okay, I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.

SPEAKER_05 6:50

Listen, you punk book groupie mutt. I told you, I already heard all the jokes. You might know this guy, Shammuck Pamuk, whoever, but you don't know a damn thing about how to close a sale. So why don't you just finish your little light beer and go somewhere else and join your little wine sippin' sissy buddy?

SPEAKER_04 7:09

Whoa, wait. Hold it, hold it right there. Sorry. But hey, don't call me names like that. You don't even know me. And besides, I'm not uh not now what?

SPEAKER_05 7:21

Go on, say it. Say it, you little wine-sippin' sissy.

SPEAKER_02 7:24

Hey, let's not make a mess of things here. I'm trying to relax and finish this crossword puzzle.

SPEAKER_04 7:30

Look, I I said I'm sorry, so let's just forget it. I'm gonna leave in a couple of minutes anyway, and you'll have the place all to yourself.

SPEAKER_05 7:37

You know what? You know what that pitching coach said to dumbass Billy Martin after the next time he hit a salesman a year later? That real estate guy in Anaheim? It was Art Fowler, the pitching coach. And since Martin claimed there were no marks, Fowler says, Ah, well, Billy's gonna have to get back to the heavy bag. There's a lesson for you. You could use some heavy bag work yourself, you skinny muck.

SPEAKER_04 7:58

Hey, look, just calm down. No harm, no foul. What are you so sensitive about? Hey, okay. R uh remember the part about the next spring when the A's were in Minnesota and some guy behind the Oakland dugout started throwing marshmallows at Billy? Come on, you have to admit, that was funny.

SPEAKER_05 8:18

Enough with your little girl giggles over marshmallows. You've probably never even been to a baseball game in your life, much less sold anything. Come on, Mr. Smotty. Take a swing at me. I dare ya. Let's see what you got, huh?

SPEAKER_04 8:32

Whoa, hold on there. Look, I'm not looking for a fight. I just think you should apologize for calling me names. And besides, I don't want to hurt you.

SPEAKER_05 8:41

You hear that, Bob? This guy doesn't want to hurt me, right? Who does he think he is, huh? Muhammad Ali? Making fun of a guy who works hard for a solid living can get your ass kicked, kid. How do you make a living, huh? Wine tasting? Yeah, like that's a job.

SPEAKER_02 8:58

Look, you guys, I don't care what you do or what you say, just don't mess the place up. And do either of you know a five-letter word for coward? I'm stuck on this section of the puzzle.

SPEAKER_04 9:10

Sissy. Who are you calling sissy? That was for Barb. I mean, I'm not calling her a sissy. That's the clue she was looking for. Back up, will you? I don't want to hurt you. Give me a chance to explain some things, will you? Hurt me?

SPEAKER_05 9:27

Did you hear that, Bob? I'll give you something to explain about.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

Get away from him! What's wrong with you? Haven't you ever been in a bar fight before? Some shoving and cussing, and you both walk out of here before I call the cops.

SPEAKER_02 9:44

What's going on? Now look what you've done.

SPEAKER_03 9:50

Hey, what's going on in here? Hey, okay, you two, break it up. For God's sake, Pete. What's going on? You! Get over here. Yes, officer. What's your name? Daniel. Last name? Martin. Where you from, Mr. Martin? Berkeley, California. Yeah? Well, what brings you in here? And why are you causing trouble for my friend Pete here?

SPEAKER_04 10:20

I'm in town for a reading. Never mind. Look, I I wasn't the one causing trouble. He started calling me names just because I was joking around about his uh profession.

SPEAKER_03 10:30

Yeah? Insulting a salesman? A hard working guy such as himself? And then punching the older guy to boot? I oughta run you in for that. Pete, what'd you say? Wait a second.

SPEAKER_05 10:45

Wait a second. What did you say your name was?

SPEAKER_04 10:50

Daniel.

SPEAKER_05 10:51

Yeah, yeah, I got that part. What's your last name? Martin. And where did you say you're from? Berkeley, California. Why, you little bastard. You came here looking for me, didn't you? Not that you schmuck pamuk. It's me you're coming after. To get back at me for the trouble my Uncle Joe caused Billy Martin. He got fired after that fight. What? Is he a poor excuse for a father? May he rot. Wherever he is. Uncle. What do you mean? You crying uncle? Yeah, you little sissy? Or was Billy Martin your uncle? He was my uncle. Well, what do you know? Well, here's what I'm gonna do, Daniel Martin. Hey, Bob, I'm paying for this schmuck's beer. Oh, excuse me, Daniel's beer. There you go, kid. I did you a good turn, even though I don't like you or your dead uncle. But hey, I'm just a bum sales guy doing a nice turn for somebody, right? So, uh what do you think?

SPEAKER_03 11:59

Look, Pete here did you a nice turn. So's I'm letting you go. But I don't expect to see you back around here anytime soon. Capish?

SPEAKER_04 12:11

Yeah, I doubt I'll be coming back, so no worries there. Thanks for the beer, Pete. Is that my briefcase over there behind the bar? I thought I left it here next to me.

SPEAKER_02 12:24

Yeah, that's yours. I moved it when you boys started Roughhousing. Wait, hold on.

SPEAKER_05 12:28

Let me see that. What the hell? What's with all this cash, huh?

SPEAKER_04 12:37

And the boxing gloves. Golden gloves light flyaway champion two years in a row. And here. This cash is for you, Pete. From Uncle Billy.

SPEAKER_05 12:53

You don't say. Hey Bob. That there's a stash on the bar? That's for you. Keep this place open, you hear? Because uh Dan and I will be back for a couple of beers.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

Our plays are produced by Bernadette Armstrong, recorded at the Oak House Studio in Altadena, California, and mixed by our talented sound engineer, David Peters. Sound effects and music downloaded from Audio, Jungle, and Karaoke version. If you are interested in submitting a play for production, you can find that information on our website, www.opendoorplayhouse.org. Please share this podcast with friends and don't forget to subscribe so you'll be notified when our next production goes live on the podcast.