Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching Anaconda: A Fangless Reboot
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A reboot can survive a bad budget, cheap CGI, and even a silly premise. What it cannot survive is refusing to be the movie it advertises. We dig into the Anaconda remake and the strange choice to set up jump scares, a Brazil jungle prologue, and a “we’re living the movie we’re making” hook, then drain it all of horror, tension, and consequences the moment the story gets moving.
We break down the biggest screenwriting and structure problems: the movie within a movie never becomes a real, trackable film with real scenes, so every setback feels weightless. We compare it to Tropic Thunder to show why that format works when the inner production is coherent and the danger forces characters to change. From there we pitch practical fixes that would have made this reboot a stronger horror comedy, including a clearer snake-driven goal, escalating stakes on the river, and character arcs that actually clash.
We also give credit where it is due. Steve Zahn repeatedly steals scenes with commitment and sharp delivery, and a handful of gags genuinely hit, from Buffalo Sober to the absurd “pee on it” bit to late-stage slapstick that finally feels like a creature feature. We wrap by sharing what we watched this week, then tee up next week’s review of The Tomorrow War for another round of big budget pain.
If you enjoy movie podcasts, film criticism, reboot debates, and craft talk about comedy writing, hit subscribe, share the show with a friend who loves bad remakes, and leave a review. What is the one change you would make to turn this into a real Anaconda movie?
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Cold Open And Emmy Talk
SPEAKER_02You did a good job last week, don't you?
SPEAKER_01What did I do now?
SPEAKER_02The last show. You did a good job last week. Oh, getting it up on time? No.
SPEAKER_01Just your performance was was very stuff we did uh in the book. It was the blink of an eye. That's right.
SPEAKER_02I think that's the one we're gonna submit for the the Emmys of podcasts.
SPEAKER_01Oh great, great. We should get a statue, you know. If anything, just buy our own statues. So people people think that we won one, but we don't win them.
SPEAKER_02That's what I did for uh our last show. I made uh I made special awards for me and Dylan because all the work we did. I didn't give one to you. Yeah, we what the fuck?
SPEAKER_01I can't believe that. I wasn't even invited to the party. That's unbelievable, man.
SPEAKER_03Hey, watch him! We're Dan and Tony! Hey, watching! Dan and Tony!
SPEAKER_00Welcome to Hate Watching with Dan and Tony. I am Dan.
SPEAKER_02I am Tony. I guess I'm doing all those hand movements because it's like I'm I'm Kermit the Frog. Because didn't someone say I sounded like Kermit the Frog one time?
SPEAKER_01Someone did yeah. Well, I think they said we sound like Muppets. I think the both of us. I don't know if I agree with it. I could do it in my dulcet tones. Would people prefer this for the podcast?
SPEAKER_02Whenever my whenever my wife can't hear me say something, I then talk deeper and uh more monotone.
SPEAKER_01As if it was the register that was the problem.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I get it.
SPEAKER_03I get it.
SPEAKER_02Um on this show we watch movies and then we talk about movies. Um but before we get into this, I come on. Last week we did uh some housekeeping okay in the blink of an eye, and I was uh doing the thumbnail, and I looked at the thumbnail and I was like, wait a sec. Okay, first of all, you really know a picture is terrible when you go to IMDB and you see the amount of photos. Have you ever looked at the amount of photos on IMDb? I have not. No.
SPEAKER_01Is it more means it's worse or less means it's less means it's worse. Less okay.
SPEAKER_02Less means they've done they've done nothing. Like like a a a real movie should have 300, 400, maybe more. That's a lot. Because it'll be the press junkets, it'll be, you know, like them being at things, you know, in in addition to people screenshotting stuff, and you know, sometimes people will go screenshot, you know, you'll have 40 in a row of screenshots, and you know, I'm I'm looking through all these trying to find one that encapsulates the movie.
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_02In the blink of an eye, and so like a movie that's not so great, you know, 30, 40, 50. I think this what how much do you think in the blink of an eye had?
SPEAKER_01Well, you said a bad movie is like 30, 40, 50, so it has to be less than that. So I'm thinking 22. I think it was 11. 11 or 12.
SPEAKER_02Which is Hey, they got double digits, baby! Which is just a phenomenally tiny I mean, and literally that's unfortunate. I do not believe that they had posted a photo of Rashida Jones in the movie. In the movie. I mean, there might have been one of us some press sort of thing of her, and I think the David guy, I think there might have been a photo of him. Probably not, though. But I think there was two Kate McKinnon's and she's the big draw. And three or four cavemen. The cavemen. And you're like, wow, good, good, good. I'm sure the cavemen people probably, you know, the people that the actors probably uploaded those themselves. So the two Kate McKinnon one, one was her with like the little girl, then the other's like that sort of primary image of her arriving on the planet and looking out. What do you remember about that scene? Because this scene angered me immensely.
SPEAKER_01Um, I remember there being like lots of flowers and trees or something.
SPEAKER_02Yes, so there's big old growth, yeah, big old growth trees and then like what beautiful wildflowers.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, beautiful, beautiful.
SPEAKER_02Not the image on IMDb.
SPEAKER_01The image on IMDB. I gotta look. I hold on, I gotta look this up. This is this is out of control.
SPEAKER_02The image on IMDB is that same shot old growth trees and just sort of grassy dirt in front of them. Not not a flower to be seen for miles. So for some reason, they they shot that and then in post they had to be. We gotta make this beautiful planet that she's arriving on with all these beautiful flowers.
SPEAKER_01Oh wow. Yeah, that's just like a regular field. They just shot that in like Montana or something.
SPEAKER_02They just they you can imagine them trucking, trucking that that that you know, the portal out there, you know, plopping it down. That's funny. Driving Kate McKinnon out there, and she like walks out. Okay. Point two about this scene that I have to get angry about again. That space suit. You know, once again, why are you wearing a spacesuit? You will have tested that atmosphere a hundred times. You know, but you tested it.
SPEAKER_01So you would hope that the first time you test it isn't when you take off your helmet.
SPEAKER_02So why why are you wearing a spacesuit?
SPEAKER_01And and that spacesuit so that you know that it's not Earth, Dan.
SPEAKER_02That spacesuit looks like shit. That's well, it does.
SPEAKER_01I'm looking at it right now, it doesn't look good at all.
SPEAKER_02So somebody, some poor production house made that terrible spacesuit. You know, they're like, well, we've only got$25,000. They're like,$25,000? Why what can I? I can't do anything for that. Like, well, make us something blue. Well, do it. And guess and and that person's like, they're looking at that and they're like, well, there's my big break. In this movie, that's a complete failure. I'm the key art on the poster slash. Oh so angry. So that those were things I had to be angry about before we uh before we talk about anything else.
SPEAKER_01I I'm still looking at this photo and I'm laughing. I think I'm gonna have to do like a side-by-side, right? Here and here of the image from the the IMDB and the image from the movie, just so people can understand. How do you difference?
SPEAKER_02How do you do screenshots of the movies where you can't screenshot the movie?
SPEAKER_01I can't answer that on film. It's illegal.
SPEAKER_02Do you have a answer is you don't know?
SPEAKER_01Because it's not legal. Yes, people can do it if they're illegal people, but I would never. Okay. Uh yeah, I mean, there's ways around. Because I usually just get out my phone and take a picture. I like you know what? I like that better. Let's do it that way.
SPEAKER_02It's not really high quality, but I I have been known to do that.
SPEAKER_01No, yeah, I mean, you can you can strip the DRM. You can get around copyright. It's fine. Don't I won't worry about it, Dan.
SPEAKER_02Well, it's not it's copyright exactly. I mean, it is copyright, but it's is it I don't know.
SPEAKER_01So it's so it depends on the site that it comes from. There's different protections on each site.
SPEAKER_02Certain things have protections, certain things don't have certain things you just screen check your life's content.
SPEAKER_01So, like if I don't know, just throwing this off the top of my head, if you were on one that say you weren't able to capture in the screen and it tells you, oh, screen capture's not available. Well you could do if you wanted, I wouldn't recommend it. But you can run it um through an external monitor, which is an HDMI source, and run that into a splitter, and then that splitter will take away that protection. You can capture it then that way. If you want it, I have heard. I've never done it. But there's there's the ways around all of it. People from the dark web are always emailing you these plans of things you can do. That's right. Hot tip, hot tip from the dark web. It's a great newsletter. You guys should get on it.
Choosing The Anaconda Remake
SPEAKER_02Okay, Tony, but but what let's get to new business. We gotta do some new business.
SPEAKER_01Business.
SPEAKER_02Tony, what movie are we doing?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you know, it's we saw the trailer last year and it looked pretty bad. Um, it's the remake. What were they what did they say? Remake slash spiritual sequel sequel. They said reboot, then they said Reboot, reimagining, then spiritual sequel or successor sequel um to uh one of one of the best cheesy horror films of the 90s, and a conda. Um, you know, this is the Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Steve Zahn, who I did actually genuinely enjoy in this movie a good deal. Um oh, who am I forgetting? Than Thandy Newton, yeah, Thandy Newton uh from Mission Impossible 2, if anybody remembers her from that. Oh, okay. Um, great stuff. Great stuff.
SPEAKER_02Um I yeah, um, I saw the original Anaconda one time and and remember enjoying it. You're missing out, yeah. No, you but you should watch that again. It it holds up. I wish I'd I'd uh sort of scheduled some time to to watch it because sure it is it just seemed like it was it was fun and stupid, and you're you enjoyed it.
SPEAKER_01Amen. Yeah, fun, stupid, great, and the John Voigt is is just hilarious, not intentionally so, but that accent like the when they make fun of it in the movie, I think most of us are like, yeah, we've done this bit, we've done this bit all on our own because it is silly. Um it's a real treat. This movie is not a real treat to me. I so it started, I thought, pretty decent. Yeah, and until they actually go to make the movie, I was worried that this was gonna be a good movie, and then it turns out that it's not, and we're fine.
SPEAKER_02First eight minutes were rough.
SPEAKER_01Then we What was the first eight minutes?
SPEAKER_02The first eight minutes, well, we Okay, we'll get there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02The first eight minutes is sort of the setup in Brazil with the girl, which was like eh.
SPEAKER_01Oh, right. I forgot about that.
SPEAKER_02And then the first Jack Black bit, which was him pitching the wedding video, and then the first Paul Rudd bit where he's doing an audition. Yep. Those are rough, those are very rough.
SPEAKER_01Sure, sure, sure. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Then once we get everybody together, then we rollick.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because then we just have people charismatic people, you know, being charismatic together. Yep. And then they do they decide to go make a movie, and then it it it it just tanks, just tanks itself.
SPEAKER_02It has a bunch of problems, but I will say this. There I might have laughed more in this movie than any other movie we've ever done.
SPEAKER_01That's so funny. So I I I guess I should pull up my notes, but at some point in my notes, I wrote, I have laughed less at this movie than I did at Strange Wilderness.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Which is a similar kind of vibe to Anaconda.
SPEAKER_02And I will say, most all of my huge laughs were Steve Zahn. He he's a delight. He he has I was yeah, I had I went to the grocery store after I watched this movie, and as I was walking back to my car, one of his jokes went into my head, and I I I just was walking in laughing because it was such a good joke, so well delivered.
SPEAKER_01And yeah, he crushes it.
The Big Script Problems
SPEAKER_02Jack Black well, Paul Rudd's the there's there's three major problems. Paul Rudd right 50% of Jack Black.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I I I can fix Jack.
SPEAKER_02You can I can fix Paul Rudd very easily. Paul Rudd's Paul Rudd's easy fix. Um and I don't think they had a movie. I don't think they had a reimagining of the movie. They when they were shooting the movie, there wasn't a movie. And if if they'd have if someone had sat down and wrote the treatment for it and then wrote five scenes, and those scenes were real, this could have been an incredible movie. Because the because all the other stuff that hangs off of it would then just all that's the problem. The problem is when they're being chased by the bad guys and they're still trying to shoot the movie. There's there's never any consequences for anything. They're you're like, well, that's true. Whenever there's a bad guy that comes on the boat, they're just magically off the boat for for no real reason. And then the snake handler guy, they just they mishandled all of that, and there wasn't a twist at the end either.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's true. Um, it's impossible, at least for me, to not compare this to Tropic Thunder, of course. You immediately think Tropic Thunder. It's basically the same movie, right? So here's part of what you said is half, in my opinion, half what you said is half the problem where they don't have a movie. So when they're filming stuff, it's gobbledygook, right? Doesn't make sense. We're not like, oh, this is a stupid movie that I would see, even if it's like a very cheesy horror film, which is great. I don't feel that you don't feel it. Tropic Thunder has a genuine movie that they are trying to make, and obstacles come in the way, right? That's one difference. The other difference is Tropic Thunder is an action comedy. The movie they're making is an action movie, so they use tropes from that movie in the real movie and make an action comedy. Anaconda is a horror film, and this movie has no elements of horror when the snake comes. So the movie, so the movie within a movie sucks, and then the movie that we're watching isn't in the right genre of Anaconda. They should have needs to be a horror comedy while they're making a horror movie. That's what needs to happen.
SPEAKER_02And that would have just been that's an easy movie to write.
SPEAKER_01You would think so.
SPEAKER_02You just put them out there, and then you you you know, you you detether them from their safety. I mean, I understand the jokes about there's a whole series of jokes about the Sony really shooting Anaconda 2 at the same time that they're shooting, and that stuff was was fine. But you need to you need to just flip that and have have there not be this whole gold miners being chased by absolute nonsense. None of it, because it it doesn't add anything. The the woman like they they didn't even speak to the the woman who's the protagonist of that story for for like 40 minutes or something crazy, just like they're like, Oh, we're gonna go on your boat. She's like, Okay, now I will never talk to you about anything again.
SPEAKER_01Okay, goodbye, goodbye now. Yeah, no, it's um yeah, it's unfortunate, you know, and they have a line, I don't know if I wrote it down. Uh so there there's a line that Jack Black says where he says, We're here to make an Aconda, but now we're living it, which is the crux of what this movie should be, but they never really do. There is because that weird side story with these gold miners, and then the snake is just kind of there. The snake doesn't really do much. The snake is just a third act yeah, bunch of attention. Yeah, no, like this needs to be anaconda, like it needs to be a giant snake horror movie.
SPEAKER_02What is what is the anaconda movie? I don't remember. What is the original movie about?
SPEAKER_01I think that they are hunting this snake. I don't I think they're hunting that snake, and that snake kicks the shit out of them. But let's let's make sure that's what it is. They're hunting something because John Voigt is like their their hunter. Yeah you know what I mean? Uh, and then you know, it just beats the shit out of them, and it's great. Um, so a National Geographic film crew. So they're making a documentary, and they are kidnapped by crazed hunter John Voigt, who forces them to track a legendary giant green snake. So it's a documentary crew that gets hijacked and is forced to try to like capture this snake on camera. And then, you know, as you would imagine, all hell breaks loose.
SPEAKER_02And so, yeah, you you need to start with the with what it's what the movie is about, right? You need to start the anaconda movie, and and I don't feel like there was anything other than jokes at the end about that movie and at the expense of that movie, there is nothing that they filmed or or showed in the action that had anything to do with the anaconda of the movie.
SPEAKER_01That is correct, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um they should have taken Steve Zahn and not made him and let Jack Black be the camera person, because that's because whenever he was being the camera person, so was Steve Zahn. They were both being camera people at the same time.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02They should have made Steve Zahn the bit player, and he plays every other role.
SPEAKER_01That'd be fun.
SPEAKER_02Because we because he does they show a clip at the end where he was playing the bad guy, and I'm like, that was not in the movie. Not it, not every movie. They they they knew the instinct of what needed to happen of him playing the bad guy in all the other characters, but they didn't do that. Um, and two, Paul Red needed to be a dick.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, because he's the guy that moves away, went to LA, didn't quite make it, but then like comes home at like he needs to have an ego.
SPEAKER_02He needs he needs to be talking about SWAT, how they're asking him back, he needs to talk about how he books everything. And and then when we find out, spoilers, that he doesn't actually have the rights to the movie, then we understand.
SPEAKER_01And it because right, because then he has a turn, he has character development. It's like, oh, this guy's full of bluster because his life didn't turn out great. Yes. And then him and Jack can have the moment where they bond because Jack's like, I've always been jealous of you, and Paul's like, Well, fuck man, I'm jealous of you because you have a real life, you got your shit together, and Jack's, but you're living a dream, buddy. Because he does have a happy, he has a happy family, and it's it's got a B B plus life, which is my favorite joke of the whole movie, by the way. And he's happy with it. That's the thing. As we do, as us B B pluses do. We like it, it's comfortable, it's nice. A plus life would be bet A plus life would be better. Sure, I wouldn't say no, you know, but I'm good at a B. It's good.
SPEAKER_02It's really true. And so if his character had been more of a dick and and caused some tension between in the whole situation, then we've got a couple of characters that get to constantly bounce off each other.
SPEAKER_01Wow. And you're you're expecting some sort of tension from anywhere, and that's a problem. There there's no tension in this movie.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, there's not a lot of tension.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Which is sad because I think part of it is they don't, you know, Tropic Thunder understood that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02These everybody in Tropic Thunder is broken beyond comprehension. A hundred percent. And yeah, and you know what? That's a movie that people look back on and go, like, well, Robert Downey Jr. should have won an Oscar for that movie.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we do say that.
SPEAKER_02And and it is correct because that performance is a performance.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And it's unreal. And what's his name? Ben Stiller, you know, doing the simple jack. You know, just like if you can't throw your character under the bus, then why then it's not a character. We don't we don't need, I mean, Paul Rudd's character doesn't have any there's nothing negative about it.
Breaking Down The Opening Act
SPEAKER_01No, not really. There's really nothing positive about him either, though, if that if that does anything for you. Shall we talk about the movie? Yeah, let's let's go back to that the first part of the movie that you didn't like very much.
SPEAKER_02So the very first part, we set up Brazil. There's this woman who's being chased by these dudes uh in the jungle, and then she's I just want to quickly say so.
SPEAKER_01We start in Brazil and we kind of show the shot of that statue. Yeah, really. You remember that statue? Um, the one that's in Fast and the Furious, and that's the only reason I know where it is. So I was all excited, and I went to Naomi and I was like, oh, we're in Brazil, I know it. And she's like, Yeah, it said it on the screen. I missed the fact that they said Brazil, but I was so excited that I knew Fast and the Furious takes place in Brazil one time. I know that I thought I was being like really clever.
SPEAKER_02I figured it out.
SPEAKER_01I broke the code already, baby. I'm ahead of this movie. Apparently not.
SPEAKER_02So we do a monkey jump scare. There's a monkey jump screen.
SPEAKER_01Would you consider that a jump scare? Yeah, that's interesting. Okay. I mean, in a movie where this is. Right. So why would you start the movie with a jump scare and then never ever do another sort of scare again? There was a lot of people.
SPEAKER_02There was another one. Is there one more? Yeah. When they get in the van. When they get in the van and the sneak attacks.
SPEAKER_01Oh, sure. Yeah. That was the other one. I guess so. So there's two. But you open the movie. This is your first scene of the movie, and you're like, you're setting the tone that, hey, we're gonna have a horror comedy. There's a jump scare. Get ready. And it's not. Nope. Bad, bad move.
SPEAKER_02Um, and one of the guys gets eaten by an anaconda.
SPEAKER_00Like, okay, well, there we go.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, barely. This, I'm I didn't look it up. Did they not have a very big budget for this? I have to say, this snake looks terrible, dude. It looks so bad. Wow, I don't care. Doesn't bother me. Well, I mean, I don't care either because it's not important to the movie. Uh so I guess.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Well, and once again, who cares? It would be interesting to watch the original movie and see how that snake is, but this snake moves a thousand miles an hour just like it flies. It's like quick. Snakes are very scary. Okay. Uh this one, not at all scary.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Okay, Jack Black doing voiceover. Basically, he works for his dad, who owns a wedding videography company, and he's trying to pitch these people on doing like a horror movie instead of their wedding.
SPEAKER_01Uh and then he gets the chance to make a horror movie and he doesn't. So it's weird. It's true. They're not making a horror movie, are they? No, not really.
SPEAKER_02They're not even there's nothing that they say or do that makes it seem like a horror movie. Nope. They just do weird, right?
SPEAKER_01It seems weird. Then again, your second scene, you're setting up the fact that Jack loves horror movies and would love to make a horror movie, and then he gets a chance to remake Anaconda, and he's like, Well, let's not make it a horror movie. I mean, doesn't make any sense. He doesn't even say he doesn't even say what it what kind of movie it is, though, does he? No, they don't, but I've seen some of the scenes they shot. It's not a horror movie.
SPEAKER_02It's not a horror movie. So, you know, these the people are eventually like, well, we just want a normal movie. Okay. Right.
SPEAKER_01We just want a wedding video.
SPEAKER_02Once again, it was Jack Black just being too old. He's when he when he pulls it back in this movie, his acting is incre is incredible.
SPEAKER_01So Jack can act, but we all we all know this. I think the problem is as he's gotten older, he doesn't want to try as hard. And I don't know. This could be conjecture. I don't believe that. You don't think that's what it is? You think it's just that people want Jack, so they're like, Jack, do Jack?
SPEAKER_02I think he starts doing Jack, and they're like, okay, this is we have to we have to put Jack in there.
SPEAKER_01This is great.
SPEAKER_02And you're like, nope, nope. The scenes where he's not doing Jack are the good scenes. The scenes where he's doing Jack.
SPEAKER_01They are, and they're too far, few and far between.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That's it. He just needs to be a human. He just needs to be like a regular guy.
SPEAKER_02Regular guy, you know? Like, you know, just ha have this, you know, and that intense they they think that that intensity equals comedy, but it doesn't at this point. Because we've all seen it, we all understand it. We've done it. He's not doing anything new, but when he's playing a real human being, we're like, oh, this real human being, he's gonna go through some stuff.
SPEAKER_01Because this movie requires him to be a human being. Then you look at something like Minecraft and you think, yeah, Jack, Jack, Jack be Jack in Minecraft, because you know, he's lived in Minecraft all his life. He's crazy. Yeah. This guy's a loon. This guy, normal guy, just a dude, works for his dad, life didn't work out the way he wanted it.
SPEAKER_02He's us. He's using every man. He is more importantly, he is us. You know, like when his wife comes in there and he's all you know, she's like, you're happy when you're watching that movie. He's not happy when he's trying to pitch these people on this other studio.
SPEAKER_01100%. This it's soul sucking.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I want to see, I want to see the real, you know, where he's like editing another one of these and he's got numbingly boring. Yeah, he's just like this, you know, and he looks up at something and he talks about what he wants to be doing. Yeah. And he knows that he can't be doing it because he likes his life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you like your life, but they have that perfect moment where the dad's like, this is all gonna be yours at some point, and he's gotta have an internal struggle of like, Am I ready to give everything? This is it, this is it. Or can I hang on a little bit? You know, I don't know. He needs to go through some shit, but he doesn't really.
SPEAKER_02Because he understands that these people are not gonna want to make the video like that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02He understands this character, this character understands that he's not a crazy person. Yeah. And that's a huge problem. But they're like, oh, you know, he's like, Well, what if I do it like this? And they're like, Oh, it's great, so funny. Because it is funny, but it's not this movie.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_02Then we go and we we meet Paul Rudd's character, Griff. He's in the makeup chair, he's booked a commercial, he works at Lowe's, and then he's talking to the makeup girl about you know what to do, and then he goes and does absurd, weird accents that sabotage the thing.
SPEAKER_01It's unfortunate because this the idea of this scene is spot on, right? Sitting in that chair as someone who is this is literally my experience when I work every once every four years. You get to that chair, you're you have one line, and you're like, fuck, I don't remember how to do this. I don't remember what it's like to be on set. I haven't been here in years, I'm panicking. Everyone else is a professional. What do I do? You have that moment of panic. I did um uh humble brag, I did NCIS Origins last the end of last year, but before that, I hadn't worked in two years on a professional set, other than like commercials. So I I was I was in that chair, the ladies doing my hair, and I was like shaking. I was there's like because there's a row, you know, there's roll of wagons, and I was just like, I am out of my league, I don't remember how to do this. I need to go home. I need to go home right now. The day was fun. Like once you're in it, it's great, it's fun. Yeah, but he that moment in that chair when he's having that moment, that existential crisis, like, yes, this is great. He needs to go on set and just be bad. This weird accent thing is it's not real doesn't make any sense. It's not real. Exactly.
SPEAKER_02Because he knows it's he knows it's bad. He doesn't think that doing these weird things.
SPEAKER_01There's no way that anyone would think that that's a good idea.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, or just you know, there's there's 10 and you're trying to beat this guy down. Let's beat him down, right? Let's let's have him go out there and sit, and then they're like, you know, he sits there all day and he's watching the clock, and then they don't even film him, and they're like, oh yeah, that got cut. Sorry, uh oh, no one told me. And then he just he's just been cut. Like that is that is your soul being destroyed. Or or if you were gonna make him overconfident, make him overconfident where he's all like, you know, getting in there. But the the things they chose are absurd and dumb and and don't make any sense.
SPEAKER_01Correct. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So I'm this is the point at which I'm like, oh, that's not good. Um, boom. Uh let's see. Oh, and then then we do the dad, the dad talks to Jack Black about how this is all gonna be yours. He's driving home with the wife, and I don't think the kids are in there. I think it's just him and the wife, and they get home, and it's his surprise birthday party. Boom! Everybody's there, including Griff, and including Fandy Newton's character, whose name I can't remember right now. Um, his name is Doug Griff Claire. She's named her name is Claire because everyone's character's name is Claire. Um, because that was in the last movie is Claire.
SPEAKER_01Oh, was it? Yeah, well, there you go. So very common name. I won't worry about it.
SPEAKER_02Everybody's excited. Um, and they pull out uh Griff has found a copy of the kit movie they made as kids called Quatch about a Sasquatch, and they do a great R-rated thing where all the R-rated words are cut out and all the everyone's laughing, everyone's enjoying it, the monster is pretty, pretty cool looking. Um pretty funny, and it's funny, and it's yeah, it's a beautiful, touching moment because he thought that this VHS was lost.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And we also we also find out that Claire and Griff used to have a thing, and Claire has lost her husband, and she wants to get back with him. I think they could have played the love story better, too.
SPEAKER_01Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. They do it. I only remember one other moment that anything really happens. Oh, the one kiss, running the one kiss again. That's yeah, and they're like, do it again, let's do one more. Yeah. Like, okay.
SPEAKER_02He could have easily done much more with that. You know, her wanting to be, you know. Yes. Then the next morning they're at a diner, they start talking about Anaconda, and I think is it Steve Zahn talks about the snake being a metaphor for life? And it's yeah, and you're like, oh my god, here comes here's the huge, you know, because I didn't know Steve Zahn was in this. And then he appears. Oh, yeah, and then he's doing the best joke in the in the movie. I'm like, wait a second, oh, what's happening?
SPEAKER_01He's really fat. I mean, I've always loved Steve Zahn. Always, always, always. I think he's wonderful, but this the last like year and a half, he's really just crushing it for me. What else? Chad powers. This movie. He was in Chad Powers. He's so good in Chad Powers. Like, he's the coach in Chad, it's so he's so good. I love him. Good for him.
SPEAKER_02Um, and so then Griff blurts out, I have the rights to Anaconda. Then he tells this kind of weird story.
SPEAKER_01Super weird, yeah.
SPEAKER_02And they're like, Well, let's let's do it, let's reboot it. You know, let's get the whole game back together. Yeah, why not? And uh Kenny, played by Steve Sonic, immediately is like, I'm in. I'm in, oh, you're in, you're just gonna go to the Amazon.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's great.
SPEAKER_02And eventually the uh Claire's in, but uh Doug is not in, and Doug goes home.
SPEAKER_01Because he's got you know he's got a B B plus life.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, this is your B B plus.
SPEAKER_01I really like it.
SPEAKER_02Um oh, this is the point where he's uh, and then the wife is like she goes in there and she's like, go. She's like, go go do the movie.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I love that. I agree that that's the right notion, that's the right inclination. Yeah, but it needs to be sl just the tiniest bit darker than that. Oh, okay. Because he, as, as we know, he's not super happy, right? Yeah, because she has a line where she's like, This is when I'm watching you watch that movie, you're the happiest you've been. And she needs to just be like, hey, you need to do this for yourself because we need the guy, that guy that we fell in love with. We need you back in our lives, and this is how you're gonna do it. Just to put some more stakes, because it's very just like, well, go do the movie, go have fun, go do the movie, and he's like, All right, I'll do the movie. There just needs to be a little bit more realism in that scene where it's like, hey, you you need this, and we need you to do it because we need you back. We love you, guy.
SPEAKER_02BB plus, come on, you know, yeah, yeah, I agree. That makes a lot of sense. Um and then he goes home and he does the rewrite, which is really nice. He sits in front of the he sits in front of the.
SPEAKER_01This is a really cool scene.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's a really good scene. You really you felt it, and then we do a montage of them trying to get money, and they're like, you know, we're gonna need 200 to two and a half, 200,000.
SPEAKER_01You're right. This also was a good joke when the bank is like, you've been approved for a loan for$9,400 or whatever it was. Yep, that sounds about right.
SPEAKER_02Then they shift the shifted down to$43,000. I think they could have done some good stuff with Claire here about because she's financing it and and yeah, and and and show what she's willing to, you know, like why does she, you know, we need to understand why what she needs out of this, yeah, you know, and that would be good. Um, so they're they're getting everything ready. Oh, they talk about how it could be about grief, or it could be about revenge, or it can be about intergenerational trauma. I love that scene.
SPEAKER_01That scene was great, super funny, but also ironic because their movie is about nothing. I know the actual anaconda is not about themes. So it's weird that when you're writing your movie, you make the people within your movie think more about their movie than you thought about your movie. You know what I'm saying? It's a little weird. It's a little weird to point that out directly to us, but that's fine.
SPEAKER_02And then we're we're, you know, we've we've assembled everyone and we're talking to Kenny, and I don't know if we find this out here, but but Kenny had been working for Jack Black's character of the things, but he had to he had to fire him because of uh substance abuse, and then he says that he is Buffalo. Buffalo Sober? I didn't know I did not I did not think it was Buffalo, New York. That didn't like cross into my brain, so I didn't know what he was saying. I was like, and then he explains that Buffalo Sober is only drinking beer and wine, and then he then he some of the liquors, but definitely not all of them.
SPEAKER_01And then it's brilliant.
SPEAKER_02That was the joke that broke me up in the in the parking lot.
SPEAKER_01Um no, it's uh it's a really good little bit.
SPEAKER_02It was so funny. Oh my god, he's just funny.
SPEAKER_01He's so good.
SPEAKER_02Uh uh Jack Black's character gives him a little statue, his kid gives him this little statue of world's greatest Doug, a little Academy Award statue. Really nice, and they use it really nice in the movie.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, oh, for sure. And I love like the joke that it's not best dad, it's just best Doug. Like, all very funny. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And so they know how to write. You're just like, ah. Um, they get to Brazil, the lady from the intro's there at the same time as them. She's hiding out from the things. They meet the snake handler guy, and he's got the snake inside this box. Uh, which is cool. Snake is cool. Uh the lady steals the boat keys from the actual captain who's drunk somehow, and then she takes them out and is going to take, you know, she steals the boat with them, which never has any repercussions and is very strange. Not really. Yeah. And we're off on our adventure.
SPEAKER_01I like the snake handler guy. I I don't think I don't think they did a great job with him, but I don't know who he is. I thought that he was he could be very, very funny.
SPEAKER_02He seemed very funny. It seemed like they didn't give him anything to do because they really didn't want to deal with the snake, which was really strange.
SPEAKER_01They're making an anaconda movie, and the last thing they want to do is snake stuff.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, the one the one scene we shoot with the snake is the final scene we shoot with the snake in Erliga. Yeah. That does not make any sense. Correct. Like they're off shooting. Ostensibly for a while. For a while, and he's not even there. Yeah. Which doesn't make any sense. I won't worry about it. I'm not gonna worry about it. Um they do a prayer that night they do a prayer to the movie gods, and then they're shooting at the waterfall. Um, and then we do a s a bit with uh uh exploring the idea of maybe doing a snake POV shot, which then they don't ever even do. Um Paul Rudd's character is doing the toothpick in the mouth bit, which is okay, but that doesn't seem like it's his bit.
SPEAKER_01It's yeah, it's fine. It's just why? Like what is why?
SPEAKER_02I don't I don't know. And he's doing fake kung fu and doing nunchucks. There weren't any nunchucks in the movie, I don't think, were there?
SPEAKER_01Not I mean unless I'm forgetting something pretty weird. No. I don't I don't know what that, you know.
SPEAKER_02Yep, and then the then him and Fandy have a have a have a kiss scene, and then you know, they almost kiss, and then they're like, let's do it again. He griff says, let's do it again, and then she's like, We're doing it again. Very funny. Yeah, great.
SPEAKER_01Doesn't lean anywhere later in the movie, really, but it's great.
SPEAKER_02Uh the next night on the boat, Griff is talking about how he was on SWAT, and then this is this is when the movie, then this is when they've lost me again, is uh the headbutt scene.
SPEAKER_01Oh, sure. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Why don't you talk about the headbutt scene, Tony?
SPEAKER_01Well, I can tell you where it came from, I assume. Right? Okay, which would just be like a night that you're just drunk with your idiot friends, and this conversation came up, and you were like, I'm gonna put this in a movie somewhere. I don't care if it doesn't make sense, I'm gonna put it in a movie no matter what. That's where this came from. Um, so basically, there's some scene that they wrote that someone's supposed to talk someone out of something and have a really nice, emotionally character-driven moment, and instead Paul Rudd wants to uh do a double headbutt, and everyone is very excited because a double headbutt has never been done before or something, and it's quote revolutionary, um, which is incorrect, and then they all just start uh headbutting the air.
SPEAKER_02That's how I do it. Huddler, ooh, yeah. If you shoot that scene and you look at that scene, you're like, this is it's not good. Throw it away.
SPEAKER_01It doesn't need it doesn't need to be in the movie, just throw it away. Cut it. That's all I'm gonna say. Just cut it. Put it at the end credits if you really want to keep it. Because your end credits weren't very funny either. So, you know, do whatever you want. Um, the snake gets loose in the boat, and then the snake is going around, and then it seems to attack someone, but it it kind of pulls up on Paul Rudd as he's doing some sort of radio radiation mask. Oh, it's got a weird mask or whatever the whatever it is. Um, and then it sees something out the window and then eats the thing out the window. Is that what happens? I don't know. I didn't understand. I don't really know either. It's weird. Um this would be a really fun scene, a really creepy scene where the snake's crawling through the boat with a bunch of sleepy people, and you're nervous that it's gonna eat somebody, you know, but it's not.
SPEAKER_02It's a nothing scene.
SPEAKER_01It's like and then it's just caught. And then we don't even see it. We don't even see it's just like, all right, yep, we're all good.
unknownWhat?
SPEAKER_02What do you mean? Wait, we just did the terrible headbutt scene, and now we're like, yep, the snake, we're doing something with the snake, and it's not even in the movie. Like, I don't understand any of it. Yeah, very weird. Yeah. Um, let's see. Okay, we do we recreate him, and then we're shooting the snake, and Griff is afraid of the snake, and so as soon as a snake gets anywhere near him, basically he throws the snake off. Somehow the propeller on the boat that should be stationary is running and it kills the snow. Right, because are they moving? No, I didn't think they were moving. They were not moving, but but we have a shot of the propeller moving in the water. Right. Don't know why we'd be moving.
SPEAKER_01Maybe it's the station. Oh, here it is, because rivers have current. So maybe they're fighting the current to stay not moving.
SPEAKER_02I mean, yeah, that does, you know, that does work.
SPEAKER_01A little some mental gymnastics to get there, but yeah, you know, maybe it maybe it makes sense. Um why why? Why did you why did you do this? Because it's funny to kill a snake. It wasn't actually all that funny because it's this guy's best friend. I understand that they play it for comedy, but it's not it's not funny.
SPEAKER_02It's not funny.
SPEAKER_01You killed an animal, which of course, first rule of improv don't kill an animal. And they don't do it in a funny way, he just throws it. Yep. So I yeah, I don't I don't know. I don't know why, I don't know why you do this, other than this is your way to then have to search for the big snake, sort of, but not really. That's all I got. So just another just throwing this out here. Maybe you don't already have a snake. You have the snake handler, but you don't have the snake. So your movie, your movie could search for the big snake that you need for your movie within a movie. And then that snake is what kills people.
SPEAKER_02Well, you mean almost like you could do a thing where they get their Kenny's like, here's the snake handler, and he's like, Yes, I'm the snake handler. They're like, Okay, let's see the snake. I'm the snake handler.
SPEAKER_01I did not have a snake. We need to get snake. We need to gather snakes. Yes, we gather snakes. Because then it's parallel to the original movie where the documentarians are supposed to be capturing this giant snake. Yeah. So you have like the same kind of I don't know. I just thought this was weird.
SPEAKER_02Because having the snake has bought them nothing. And then they're having to shoot around not having a snake. This is all very funny. Yeah. Okay, let's let's get this shot, but what about the no, we're we're gonna have to do it. We'll add this, we'll add the snake later. We'll add it later. Don't worry. But you know, there's there's jokes to be, you know. Yeah, but they had ninchakus, which didn't make any sense. Um, so the training guy has a hard time. He and Griff is not being sensitive, and he tells him to leave. They put the snake on a funeral pyre, and then they sing a song to the snake.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01Super weird snake song. I don't know. That scene needed to be good. Sure. I mean, that would have been nice.
SPEAKER_02It needed to be a real song. It need, you know, it needed to be something, you know.
SPEAKER_01Do you think that that was just improvised? I guess it felt like it a little bit. It felt, and which is fine. I just it felt like bad improv to me, and I was I don't know.
SPEAKER_02Because everybody was bad singing, they weren't trying to sing when you when you're doing singing, you if even if you can't sing, and that's why whenever I used to do the song improv classes, I would always do great. Yeah, because I would commit 100% because I wanted to be singing. Shannon's like, your voice is terrible. My voice may be terrible, but if you commit to it, you're still funny.
SPEAKER_01People people have a response to it. Because if you commit to it, then we buy in either way. Even if it's bad and you're fully committed, like, I'm in. I'm in 100%. It's fun.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you're like, this guy's deluded.
SPEAKER_01He thinks he's singing good, and you're like, Exactly, no, I'm I'm singing great. Yep, like um that guy from American Idol, right? What is she bang? Shipbang is that dude. I don't remember his name. Yeah, that guy. He was giving it his off. And we loved him for it.
SPEAKER_02He cared and he thought he was doing good. He he was given the best that he could give. 100%. And so we fell in love with them. It was shit.
SPEAKER_01But that's a lesson. That's a lesson for improvisers everywhere. Give a shit, just give a shit, and we'll give a shit back.
SPEAKER_02You know, license a real song, and then you know, they transition, you know, they're like, he's he's singing, you know, don't stop leaving tone stuff, beneath.
SPEAKER_01And then everybody joins in, and you're just like, what the fuck is happening? And then you'd you transition to the actual song for the next scene. It's it's pretty easy. We have to be sitting there going, what the fuck is happening?
SPEAKER_02What what are we doing? And everybody just like no, that's that's not we don't make any sense. Yeah, okay. The bad guys are watching from a boat, uh, and then oh, one of the bad guys is watching from a boat and he gets anaconded. Okay. Uh Griff goes in there to try to apologize, he brings beers. Um, great line. The guy has like uh his pills, and he's all like, I have my pills, but okay. So he has like some sort of pills that he takes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And I think what he says is like, let's mix it up. It's like, yeah, yeah, that's good. I lost that is very funny. So this guy could absolutely deliver a good line. You give him a good line, he kills it. No, there's there's a couple of moments where I was like, oh shit, this guy's really funny. And in a different movie, I think he would be great. I didn't look him up though. Do we know him? No, I didn't I don't know him, but uh you can't. Alright, I'm gonna look him up and give him the proper respect because he deserves it. He did a great job.
SPEAKER_02Now they're wasted, and he they start bonding, he starts talking about SWAT, which and so then he's like, You're a star, and then he says, You know the movie we the movie we should remake. You need you need to do a movie like The Legend of Bagger Vance.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that was very funny.
SPEAKER_02And and that's one of those things where you're like you're gonna go through a hundred different movies that you're gonna pitch to be the what the joke, exactly, and then you hit the perfect line.
SPEAKER_01Why would we do a bunch on the day? Do a bunch on the day and just see which one makes you tickle in post.
SPEAKER_02And they got to the right one, and he delivered the right one, and it was it was a bona fide joke.
SPEAKER_01Well, he has done a ton of stuff in a different language. Must be Spanish, must be Spain, maybe. He's a Brazilian actor, so I guess Portuguese. Sorry, everybody. Oh, Portuguese. Um, right? That's Brazil. Tony, stop being racist. Yes, it's Brazil. Portuguese. It wasn't racist. I got it. Damn it, damn.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you were being racist.
SPEAKER_01I was being, but I was still right.
SPEAKER_02So then he's like, okay, time to go get a new snake. Griff is like, right now? He's like, yeah, right now. Yeah, boom. They're in the swamp. Griff is scared, he loses Santiago, and then Griff just runs away.
SPEAKER_01And it's just anticlimactic. No, it's not a scene, but it should be a scene. Because now you're in the you're at you're at night, you're walking through a creepy ass swamp, the snake is hunting you. This is a scene from an Anaconda movie. Like, why can't we just do it properly? I don't understand. Why don't you care, Dan? Why don't they care? I care, Tony. Yeah, that's that's more that's what I'm asking.
SPEAKER_02He runs, he gets back to the boat, and um wakes up Jack Black's character. And Jack Black's character is like, so he he plays a person that was asleep that has been woken up by a person coming back to tell them that they've left the boat to go looking for a new snake. He's just like, Yeah. What? What are you talking about? And then and then and then he says a great line, he's like, and you going out there to help him look for the snake? That's called producing. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's good.
SPEAKER_02Uh Kenny has now gone and found San Diego's pills and is enjoying them. Great. They wake everybody up. We find out that Kenny's wasted out of his mind. And he does a chairs have arms bit. Talk about the chairs has arms bit, Tom.
SPEAKER_01That's good.
SPEAKER_02Let's go bit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02He can just run a bit, and that's the whole thing.
SPEAKER_01So well, because you know, he's very comedic and very smart and very talented.
SPEAKER_02So they go out into the swamp and they see an old camper van. The bad guys have now got on into the boat, but I guess the the woman's gone with them. The skipper woman went with them, which doesn't make any sense because she would never go with them.
SPEAKER_01She hasn't done that one time throughout the rest of the movie.
SPEAKER_02Um, and boom, they get to the camper van, they hide in it, and um Santiago is dead. We'll find out later that he isn't dead. But wait, is he not dead? Oh, you didn't watch all the end scenes? Probably not. I was pretty disappointed. The final end scene is that he's alive.
SPEAKER_01Alright, well, that's great.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I'm glad he's alive, but you could have you could have done that in the movie. In the movie.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I agree with that.
SPEAKER_02You know, he finds a girl snake and you know, releases the girl snake and that, you know, chases off this snake. You know, something sure. Do something. You know, you have when when we sit in Star Wars and Han Solo comes back to save the day, as a child, I was not ready. I did not go, oh, Han Solo's coming back. I'm a stupid child. I'm like, this is the greatest movie ever because Han Solo came back and saved the day. And that's sure. I am the guy, you know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Makes me angry. Um should. So they they the the thing isn't starting, and so they have to fix it, but Kenny can't fix it because he's wasted, and so they send Jack Black out there. Yeah, they argue about a driving test, and then he goes out and he just fixes it, and then they drive away.
SPEAKER_01Which is not on the driving test, so like I don't totally understand what that scene had anything to do with it, but it's fine. Don't worry about it.
SPEAKER_02Um, and then they they they get chased by motorcycles, and then they're like, Kenny, are you getting this? That's the other thing, is if Kenny's gonna be shooting it or someone's gonna be shooting it, someone has to be shooting, someone has to have a camera of some sort in their hand every second of this movie.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, 100%.
SPEAKER_02You have to do that. Yeah, they don't. They don't do it at they don't do it. This is like I think the only scene they do it in.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um they get back to the boat, and then there's the bad guy there, but the bad guy gets knocked out by the woman, and she's all like, okay, we're gonna just keep going and keep making the movie. One and a half days, there's an airport.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so he writes a new script with her as the hero, I guess.
SPEAKER_01Which is all weird. Why did he do it?
SPEAKER_02Was there a reason why that happened?
SPEAKER_01Um yeah, because they were like, oh, we don't have a snake, so instead, like this movie is now about the gold gold diggers or something else, and she's fighting people. So they're not making Anaconda anymore? They're basically making the movie that they're living. Because now it's less about a snake, and now it's about these other bad guys, these real people that are the bad guys, and now it's about something, quote unquote. Yeah, that didn't work. No, no, it doesn't work. I'm just trying to tell you what they said.
SPEAKER_02But we do have one good joke where they're like, you could be the next, you could be the next Jordan, you could be the white Jordan Peel. Oh, Jesus Christ, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because they're talking about like social horror or something. I don't know, dude. I don't know.
SPEAKER_02Uh Tony's lost it now. Tony's in the dead good sell zone. He's like, okay, that's it. I've checked out. You've completely lost it. Oh, this piece of trash movie. Okay, so they start shooting with the girl, and uh Griff is having a hard time with it. And he says Yeah, but not really. He says he's cutting us out of our movie, and it's like, you only got three people, nobody's getting cut out of any movie.
SPEAKER_01You're all in it equally. Um, yeah, like I would be fine if this was his if this was really how this character felt. Like, because if he had the ego that we've been talking about, he would be very upset that he is being replaced as number one on the call sheet, you know?
SPEAKER_02But that's not really who he is, and it doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_01He's not really who he is. He's just a he's just a blah, you know, he doesn't care.
Sony Reveal And Third Act Chaos
SPEAKER_02Um, and boom, so here they are, they're on the boat, they're going down, they're shooting, and then here come these other boats, and it turns out those other boats are from Sony, and they're shooting the real Anaconda 2, and we find out that Griff didn't really have the rights.
SPEAKER_01Such a surprise. I don't know about you, but I was so surprised when he didn't have the rights.
SPEAKER_02Like I said, I am clueless. I I actually believed he had the rights. Oh, you did? Interesting. I kind I mean I I guess I just didn't even think about it. Right? Sure. And that's why I kind of wish when they set up that he had the rights, we we we knew that he didn't have the rights. So that yeah, so that we absolutely knew that this was for certain this was gonna come crumbling down at some point. That the whole basis for this thing, you know, it's it's kind of like in those movies where the you know, the hot guy, uh, you know, uh she's all that or whatever. We have to know we have to know that this structure is built on broken pilings and it's overclassed. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_02And I I mean I really was not laboring under that feeling interesting.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
SPEAKER_02So uh, yeah. So they uh they uh Jack Black fires him. You're fired, and he's like, I already quit. We do a you can't fire me, I already quit, bit, which you know.
SPEAKER_01Maybe maybe come up with a different angle for that, you know. I don't know what it is, but or just let him get fired. Because that's not really funny.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And then Griff gets in a the little extra boat they have, and then he goes to chase them down. Why does he go to chase them down?
SPEAKER_01I think because he he wants to get in the movie or something. I think he wants to like, yeah. All right, sure. More that.
SPEAKER_02So he gets there, and lo and behold, it is sunk, and he has a couple of he has some good jokes, and he's like, you know, where's J Lo? Where's Ice Cube? Ice Cube, John Voigt, are you in this one? Are you even in this one? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I do wish there was some carnage.
SPEAKER_02You mean more than just like a little bit of equipment broken? Broken sunk boat?
SPEAKER_01Like, where are all the people? There was a hundred people on that boat. Maybe not. I've I don't know how bo I don't know how boats work, but there was definitely 25 to 50 people. Where are they?
SPEAKER_02Well, we we definitely set up when we get to the second part of the destruction that everyone's just hiding in the jungle.
SPEAKER_01Oh, interesting.
SPEAKER_02We drop a line. We drop one line, Ice Cube drops a line, and then he says So nobody's dead? Uh Eric Stoltz is probably dead. That's another another very good joke. Very good joke.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's too bad. Uh, because this movie should have some garnage. Well, like the one woman gets eaten. Does she, though? It looks so bad. I'm sorry. It looks so bad.
SPEAKER_02Uh I I got nothing for you there, Tony. So this one girl gets eaten, and then he's trying to leave in his little boat, and then he's he's riding the boat in circles, which was very funny.
SPEAKER_01That yeah, no, I I thought that was a good joke.
SPEAKER_02Um, and then boom, they go back, and she's like, okay, this is a place to uh we're gonna stop. And then it turns out that um she's the person who's stealing the gold, and so she marches them out there. Yeah, that's the twist, Dan. And they pull a bunch of bags of gold out, and then they're all like, you guys are gonna have to carry this gold back to the boat, and they're all like, You can't make us carry gold to the boat, you may as well just kill us.
SPEAKER_01Right. I'm I'm just gonna tell you, I'll carry gold. What do you I don't really want to die? Yeah, I have no skin in that game, you know, like it's not my gold. You're not stealing from me. I'll carry it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And you just say to her, Yeah, just we'll put the gold on the boat, and then you just leave us here, and we can't do anything.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_02You're squad free. Because the government knows it's the government knows who she is. 100%. So what what are we gonna tell them? Oh, she left in a boat. Well, they're gonna know you're in a boat.
SPEAKER_01And we'll be like, all right, cool. Thanks for the tip. We'll go hunt her down. See ya later. Yeah. So very silly.
SPEAKER_02Government agent shows up with a gun, Griff shows up with a gun, Griff shoots the government agent, and then But just in the leg. Yeah. Um then we have a girl fight between her and Claire, and Claire uh headbutts her.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02That's called a callback, damn it. It was okay. It's fine. It's fine. And then the anaconda just comes and eats Anna, and ostensibly our villain is gone?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Snake's just really there for convenience. Just gets rid of people we don't want to shoot anymore.
SPEAKER_02And then what do we do? We run a completely unaffiliated bit that is one of the greatest bits of all time.
SPEAKER_01We do?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we do. What is it? What is it, Tony? What happens right after that? I don't know.
SPEAKER_01They're trekking trying to read my notes.
SPEAKER_02They're trekking through the jungle and something happens.
SPEAKER_01I got nothing.
SPEAKER_02Kenny gets bit by a spider.
SPEAKER_01Oh, Jesus Christ. I actually forgot this even happened to me.
SPEAKER_02It knows what it wants to do when it gets there. When it puts all this other crap in there, it's just wasting time. What happens, Tony?
SPEAKER_01Well, I was gonna look this up too, because there's no way this is right. This is not by a spider, none of this is true. And someone's like, well, you gotta pee on it. No, but it's just jellyfish.
SPEAKER_02And you're not supposed to pee on jellyfish, but Kenny's like Wait, is that true? It's absolutely true. You do not pee on jellyfish.
SPEAKER_01I that I didn't know because I've always had that plant. If I get stung, I'm peeing immediately. I'm I'm ready, locked and loaded. Anytime I'm near the ocean, I'm like guzzling. I'm guzzling just in case. You never know when you're gonna need it. Uh, I did not know that. I thought it was like ammonia or something, right? Oh man, I'm in trouble. I'm gonna have to look that up. Friends lied to me. That's that's the word I learned that. So anyhow, screw the rest of the bit, Tony. Uh so he so someone then says, I thought that was just jellyfish. And then is it Paul Rudd that says, I think it's all animals, which is just the dumbest line in any movie ever. And then uh Steve Zahn has to try to pee on him, and he's like, I can't pee without sitting down. No, no, no.
SPEAKER_02He has he has performance anxiety or whatever he calls it. Right. So he can't do it, and then he's like, Oh, and and I have to I can only pee while sitting down in a chair.
SPEAKER_01So Paul Rudd does a little table while Jack Black lays underneath and steams on sitting to pee on him. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It was so funny. Because it was so stupid. It was just so stupid, and then he pees on it.
SPEAKER_01Who was that? Oh, and then they all cheer.
SPEAKER_02They all cheer. Um, okay, so we're heading upstream. Uh someone's getting jealous. Oh, Doug is getting jealous of something, I don't remember, and boom, he gets eaten by the snake. Okay, so Doug is gone. We'd set up earlier that what a snake will do is it'll eat something and then it'll regurgitate it to eat it later.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_01Yep. And I don't know if that's true or not, but the movie said it, so it is what it is in this world.
SPEAKER_02And what we needed to be, we needed to have a thing where there should have been like a sacrifice, because I think we set up, you know, one sacrificing for another. Whatever, we should have had that in there, but we didn't do that. Um, there's this big open field that they have to cross, and they know that it's too dangerous, right? So they find Doug's body and a pig, and then they're like, okay, what we're gonna do is we're gonna set them up to act as a decoy or something.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah. I assume it's kind of like a scarecrow idea, but the opposite, where it's like it attracts the snake. And they say something on the lines of it'll make it harder for the snake to eat Jack's body if he's got the pig on him.
SPEAKER_02So they're gonna put the pig on top of him.
SPEAKER_01So the pig's head is here, tape it all up.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and then the best, probably the best joke of all time, they take a dead squirrel and they put and we all know Jack's alive. We all know, we all know how to do it. 100% yeah, they put a squirrel in his dead squirrel in his mouth. And then Steve Son.
SPEAKER_01Snakes love squirrel mate. That's what Steve Son says.
SPEAKER_02So they they're walking about halfway, and for some reason they look back and they have binoculars.
SPEAKER_01It's that morbid curiosity where you're like, is he gonna is the snake gonna eat him? I kind of gotta watch.
SPEAKER_02And boom, you know, Jack Black wakes up with the squirrel in his mouth, and then he starts running, and and I mean, this is where the slapstick works great. Yeah, you know, the you know, keeps missing the thing, and then the pig wakes up, and on one of the passes, the snake eats the pig but misses him. I was dying. I was dying during this season.
SPEAKER_01It's very visually, it's very funny, and this would be great in uh horror comedy about a giant snake eating people. That's not really what this movie's about. Tony, what is this movie not about? I don't know. I couldn't pin down the themes, you know. They kept talking about them, but I couldn't figure it out.
SPEAKER_02Lo and behold, night falls, and the snake's not chasing him anymore.
SPEAKER_01Who knows? Yeah, because it ate the pig, so it's fine. Is that how snakes work?
SPEAKER_02And then Jack Black's character is like, you know, he's like basically fine with everything, but he's like, but who's idea was it?
SPEAKER_01Kenny Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Oh, it was so funny. Then they arrive on the anacondes. The Anaconda set is all effed up. They find a walkie-talkie, and then the big snake attacks, and then here comes Ice Cube to the tune of back in black shooting flares at the giant anaconda.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, cool, cool, cool.
SPEAKER_02And then they're they're gonna immediately split up for unknowable reasons because he's gotta go save J Lo, and we do a joke about, you know, they're like, who else is here? There's like J Lo, but she's from the block, so she's safe, but she's gonna be alright. But Eric Stoltz, uh, you know, I I don't think not so much. Yeah. That's a good joke.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's good.
SPEAKER_02It's a good joke. There's and they and then he does a whole bit about how these movies they didn't even they're like, Well, how did you defeat the snake in the third act?
SPEAKER_01And he's like, There was no third act, and they're like, Oh, we didn't finish, we started shooting without the end of the script. Yeah, yeah. Great, fun little Hollywood joke, because that's that is what they do.
SPEAKER_02They do a couple of selfies, then he takes off, and they come up with the plan of turning on the generator, and then cameras, and then pyro, and then a golf cart. And then we we do a whole sort of thing. The only joke in there I really liked was the pyro's not going off, and then uh Paul Rudd looks at the thing that controls the pyro, he's like, Oh, I didn't turn it on. Oh, yeah, no, yeah, no, that's good. Oh, and they reach the dead end, and then we're all gonna die, and then someone says, not on my watch, mister, and the fire starts.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, Paul says that because it's a callback to their the squatch movie that they made. Oh, it's the same line. Same line. Yeah, yeah. So boom, everything blows up. And then yeah, the snake just explodes. So then the movie's the movie's done. No, they have to stab it.
SPEAKER_02He has to stab it with the Academy Awards. So he's gotta brain smash it with blessed Academy Awards could get it. That was nice. I like that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was cute. Where did it come from? We don't know.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. He's had that with him the whole time. Right, you're just carrying it around. It's fine. I think he says that's a rap on snake. That's a rap on snake. Which I guess they're gonna have to call it snake. We could have we needed to set that up earlier.
SPEAKER_01Um rap, so that's what you say when someone's done filming for a project. You'll say, like, that's a rap on Tony, and then everybody applauds, and that's that's like your final goodbye in a in a on a set. Oh, I thought that they were gonna have to call their movie Snake. That's the movie. Yeah, I I understand because it's the same verbiage. But yeah. Oh, okay. Little inside Hollywood for you, Dan.
SPEAKER_02Um, and then they they show the film to all their friends and family at the Buffalo International Film Festival because of the girls just love it. They don't have rights, boom, boom, boom. And then uh J Lo comes to his house and wants her, wants him to direct the real movie.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02That was okay.
SPEAKER_01I mean, it was okay. My biggest my biggest problem was they were showing clips from the movie that they shot, yeah, and they showed some clips from the actual movie that we saw, and I was like, but it's not possible they would have been filming that. Oh, really? And that frustrated me. I don't know why, but you're only showing a couple of clips. Like, just make it all stuff that we know you could have shot. That's my only problem. Don't make any sense. That makes sense, Sony. Sure, sure. Not like this movie.
SPEAKER_02So the the the the the chase in the field, the pin, all the Steve Zahn jokes at the beginning. Love them all.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, he's great. He's wonderful. Um, also, we missed my favorite Paul Rudd joke. Oh, what was it? Um, they're just talking about their lives, and he is just talking about how he has a 74-year-old roommate. Do you remember this joke? I don't know. It's like, I'm I he's he's basically talking about how his life didn't turn out the way he liked. He's like, uh this, this, and this, and I've got a 74-year-old roommate. And I was like, why have we not seen that? I need to see this guy with his 74-year-old roommate, because that's a great joke, and it's thrown away. That's it. Even if he was just at the premiere of this movie, there's just a 74-year-old man next to Paul, you know, something.
SPEAKER_02And that's the whole thing is we oh, and he gets back, he gets back on uh he gets back on SWAT too. They have a nice little shot of the poster of SWAT, and then he's real little in the middle.
SPEAKER_01Very small, he's very small in it. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02I would rather a movie like this, you know, strike at the ball and hit uh hit a hit a number, you know, hit a hit a single than most of the movies we we watch.
SPEAKER_01100%. I and again, I laughed more at Strange Wilderness than I laughed at this one, but I did laugh. You know, there's some good bits. You named most of them, but you know, uh, it could have been better. I think my point is I'm disappointed because I think it could have been much better if you just tried just 10% harder. You know?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. It's a hard world we live in right now.
SPEAKER_01It's tough, tough stuff.
What We Watched And Next Movie
SPEAKER_02Okay. Uh now we talk about things we like this week. Um, yeah. I watched the trailer for jury duty.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, okay. Are you excited? Alex is gonna be a star. He's telling you he's the main character. He's the dude is the dude, dude. He's the guy, and I was like, F and A, man. Yeah, he's gonna he's gonna blow up. He's kind of playing TJ. He's kind of playing TJ Miller, but you know, we don't have TJ Miller anymore. So well, we don't like TJ Miller, so we might as well get a new one.
SPEAKER_02He looks like he's gonna be hilarious. It looks like the show is gonna be hilarious, it looks like it's gonna work perfectly. Yeah, the redheads coming in buying the company. I'm like, I'm it's I it looks like they did it again. I don't know how they did it again. 100%. It looks like they did it again. I'm very excited.
SPEAKER_01These are I mean, I didn't I don't know about again because I haven't seen the first season, but I'm gonna.
SPEAKER_02These are skilled film. Why did you watch it before they this one comes out, Tony? That would make sense. I've done it. Doesn't it come out on like the 20th? I got a week. Great. Chill out, bro. I watched what's his name? I watched Reacher Guy's new movie. Oh, War Machine. Uh great. Not great, but I want to see it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Not nothing for this show. Just like if you if you if you want to just kick around for two hours and just have nice mindless entertainment, this movie. Uh I'm flying to New York on Saturday, so I'll probably just watch it then. You will super enjoy it. And I watched the first episode of the new Steve Carell comedy rooster. Uh, it's great.
SPEAKER_01I was like it looks it looks very good.
SPEAKER_02It is he is back to form.
SPEAKER_01All right.
SPEAKER_02The acting cast is phenomenal. They they they these characters say things, they beat them up, they they do great things. Uh super enjoyable. I'm in. You know, it is I am in it is a well-written show, and he plays a great character and delivers lines and okay, everything good.
SPEAKER_01That is a very exciting. I'm ready.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, because I was like, I'll try this. You know, if I make it in 20 minutes, I'll just turn it off, whatever. You know, so yeah, that's why the Fraser reboot was so disappointing. You're like, how can someone not being able to write Fraser? Doesn't make any sense to me because people could. There have to be people in the world that could write it.
SPEAKER_01Of course they did. I mean, they did, they wrote it for what, 10 years or something? So like it's not impossible.
SPEAKER_02Well, we exist in a world where at times it seems like there are abilities that are completely lost.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's I mean, you're right, 100% correct.
SPEAKER_02You know, but then you watch what was the what was the uh Dave Batista and Jason Momoa movie.
SPEAKER_01You watch that movie and you're like, I watched that again this week.
SPEAKER_02People can completely write these movies and produce them and make them. They don't become the super big movies that they would in the past, but they still can be made.
SPEAKER_01You can you can still do it. Yeah, it just you know, they land differently. So you gotta do it on with cheaper. You gotta do it cheaper so that nobody thinks you're wasting their monies.
SPEAKER_02Okay, Tony, what do you what did you watch this possibly new?
SPEAKER_01Well, I'll be honest, Pokemon Pocopia has taken up a lot of my time, but we did uh we have started watching um the newest, the most recent season of The Traitors on Peacock because Rob from Love Island is on it and he is crushing it. He's incredible. Um he's very sexy, he's very, very attractive boy.
SPEAKER_02Is he using his sex appeal to to win the show?
SPEAKER_01He's using his like roguish boyish charm to uh to go under the radar. He seems very good. We're only a couple of episodes in, but he seems very good at the game, which is exciting. So I'm excited to see where this goes. We're gonna finish it this week. But that show's super fun. We've never watched Traders before. Um I'm into it. We're having a good time. Very good. That's all I got. That's all I got. All right, Dan.
SPEAKER_02So I was gonna give us a nice another 90-minute movie, you know. We've been doing these 90-minute movies. You were gonna. You change your mind? Of course I changed my mind. And then I was like, it's a fun movie. We'll do it eventually. At some point, we'll do it. Okay, you know, okay. It's like an older movie, it's fun, but I was like, you know, we've been having too much. I was laughing, enjoying myself. Okay, so back to pain. Let me find a movie that's two hours and eighteen minutes long.
SPEAKER_01Come on.
SPEAKER_02Tony's Tony's traveling, so he's gonna need some real shit to watch.
SPEAKER_01Perfect, perfect. Yeah, you you really want to use those plane rides to watch terrible things.
SPEAKER_02And I want I want to pick an actor that that really is in terrible big budget kind of movies, and people give him big budget money to make terrible movies.
SPEAKER_01Oh, hold on. I'm gonna look something up.
SPEAKER_02Star of Jurassic Park movies.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I thought it was Chris Pratt.
SPEAKER_02I thought I don't hate Chris Pratt at all. I you know, I think he's okay, but man, yeah, he's okay. Those those those Jurassic Park movies, which all dropped on, you can watch all the Jurassic Park movies. Okay. And we do have a new one to watch, but that's not where we're going.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so that's I just looked it up, and the new one's only 90 minutes, so I was like, oh, maybe he's joking, but that's not. Okay.
SPEAKER_02No, he made another movie in 2021 with Netflix or someplace. 2021. It's called The Tomorrow War. And I remember I watched the first 15 minutes of this and I wanted to kill myself. And I did not. I don't know why you didn't do this movie because I was so I think it was so bad that I was like, but now I need to know what this rule is.
SPEAKER_01There's enough time has passed where you feel comfortable going back and looking at it now.
SPEAKER_02I feel comfortable ruining my own personal life.
SPEAKER_01Wolf, yeah. 218. Woo wee. Okay. That's gonna be a brutal night. All right. But we might have to do that Jurassic Park at some point, you know. I don't know if it's which one, whatever the newest one is. There's a new one. The newest, newest one, or the the ones with Chris Pratt. We did one. We did, you're right. We did the the the tri the ending of the trilogy of those ones. You're right. Okay, yeah, they brought everyone together.
SPEAKER_02You want me to tell you how bad it is? I was watching a Saturday Night Live sketch with Paul Mescal.
SPEAKER_04Okay.
SPEAKER_02And I was like, oh, Paul Mescal. Oh, he's the guy from Gladiator 2. Wait, we just did Gladiator 2, and I had to work hard to remember anything about that movie. The only thing I can remember is Denzel's crazy character and then them shooting the arrows into the water, and then we're like, Yeah, yeah, you're right about that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I don't remember much about it either.
SPEAKER_02How can we forget that movie so fast?
SPEAKER_01Well, it wasn't very good, you know, so that's part of it. And um the other guy is in it, right? Pedro. Yeah, Pedro Pascal, thank you. Yeah, because it was Mescal and Pascal or whatever the frick their names are.
SPEAKER_02They shot his mom, shot his mom with bows. I remember that.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, and he was like, mommy!
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I don't think he said mommy. I don't think he said mommy. I don't think that happened. But like, yeah, if you really try and like form in your mind anything that that character did, oh, he he was in that fight and he said to the other gladiator, Oh, let's let's let's let's just not do this.
SPEAKER_01Oh, right, yeah. He's like, we don't have to fight. And it's like, yes, that's you're the only thing you're here to do.
SPEAKER_02I think you're in big trouble if you don't fight.
SPEAKER_01I I don't I don't pretty sure you're dead if you refuse to fight because that's the only reason you're alive right now.
SPEAKER_02There's only negative outcomes if you don't fight. There's one positive outcome if you fight. You might live. You might live.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Probably not, though. The tomorrow war. So since our country's at war, we we may we may as well go to war, Tony.
SPEAKER_01Ridiculous.
SPEAKER_02For a second there, I thought it was called the Forever War, and I was like, well, that's appropriate for what's going on now. I think that's I think that is a thing, though, right? Is that a movie too?
SPEAKER_01Probably. Or it's a book? It's probably a book and a movie. It's a book. Yeah, it's a book. Very good. By Joe Halderman. That's what I was gonna say.
SPEAKER_02I wonder if it's a berserker book. Joe Halderman, I think, wrote all the berserker books. No, that's Fred Sauberhagen. I don't know. That's Fred Sauberhagen, I think, with all the berserker books.
SPEAKER_01Who knows? You just say names I don't understand.
SPEAKER_02I know there are words of things you don't understand. I'm Dotie, I don't understand anything.
SPEAKER_01Uh yeah, Barry Binoculars, he writes a lot of books as well, so it's fine. Barry binoculars? That's a cool name, right? I I don't know, I just came up with it on the spot. I thought that's a fun name. No, but there should be. I'm gonna write a I'm gonna write a movie about Barry binoculars. It's gonna be a good dude. Jesus Christ, Barry Binoculars.
Subscribe Like Comment Goodbye
SPEAKER_02Okay, anything else you have to add to the world, Tony? No, let's do this. Tomorrow war. Tomorrow war. Okay. Uh leave us a comment. You can subscribe, or you can um there's a third thing you can do. Like you like it, like it, do that like. Um, and we'll be back next week talking about the tomorrow war. Goodbye, everybody.