They Call Me Mista Yu
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They Call Me Mista Yu
One On One with Mista Yu - Brent Dowlen "Building a Better Man"
Have a question for Mista Yu? Text the show and he’ll answer it personally.
What happens when men are defined only by their ability to provide? Relationship and Personal Development Coach Brent Dowlen unpacks this fundamental question in a conversation that challenges the core assumptions about masculine identity.
The heart of our discussion centers on what Brent calls "the biggest lie told about men"—that their value exists solely in their capacity to provide. This reductive view creates men who excel at fixing problems but struggle with simply being present. We explore why men often feel utterly alone even in crowded rooms, how "visiting other islands" can combat isolation, and why the glorified lone wolf archetype leads to disastrous outcomes in real life.
Brent shares touching reflections on fatherhood, including powerful memories of his late father waiting on the porch with coffee just to talk after long workdays. His insights on intentionality in marriage reveal why many relationships stagnate: "We forget this isn't a one-and-done... you have to choose to do something intentional every day."
Perhaps most powerfully, Brent reminds us that "the lone wolf dies!"
Whether you're seeking to understand the men in your life or looking to break free from limiting beliefs about your own value, this conversation offers a refreshingly honest roadmap toward more authentic manhood.
• Growing up constantly relocating across the country created both cultural awareness and difficulty maintaining friendships
• The biggest lie told about men is that their only value lies in providing
• Men struggle with the "fix-it mentality" when problems arise rather than simply listening
• Male isolation remains prevalent even when surrounded by people
• Intentionality is the key to building and maintaining strong relationships
• Parenting has profound, long-lasting impacts that often aren't fully understood until later in life
• Everything valuable in life begins with one small habit – for Brent, it was simply walking during lunch breaks
Visit Purpose Driven Men at purposedrivenmen.com to find Brent's podcast, blog, newsletter, and resources designed to help men grow beyond limiting beliefs.
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Welcome back to one on one with Mr you. Of course I'm your host, Mr you, in studio with us today. Brent Dowling, relationship and personal development coach and also the host of Driven to Thrive broadcast. Brother, good to have you in the house, man. How are you sir?
Speaker 2:Oh, mr you, I'm so excited to be here today, man, I've been looking forward to this one.
Speaker 1:Same here. Man, I love that background. Man, I love those words. Man, that's for all of us men to live by. Man, I love that man. Okay, let's get to our chat. We had an awesome conversation in our pre-interview chat. Talked about so many things I think are germane to men worldwide that we need to talk about. But before we get into all that stuff, let's hear about your childhood man. Where does Brent come from? What's your upbringing like, man? Let's talk about that first and then we'll get into the heavy stuff.
Speaker 2:Okay, so my upbringing is a little different than some people. I'm a preacher's kid and my father wasn't just a minister, but he was a domestic missionary. So we didn't stay anywhere longer than three years on average, wow. And so I moved all of the country. I've lived literally from coast to coast at this point, and north to south, and so every couple years we'd be somewhere else, um, and it was. It had a lot of benefits.
Speaker 2:Uh, there's a lot of like, just culturally, different areas of the country are very unique as you move around and so it adds to your exposure. Right, you experience life differently, uh, because I know, statistically at this point, most people I think it's some ridiculously high number, like 70 or 80, I don't want to throw out a definitive because I don't have it in front of me people never live outside of like a 15 mile radius of where they were born, and I've lived all over the country and gotten experience the different cultures in the different areas of the country and it, like I said, it changes drastically. So it changes the way you look at the world, you. You have a much broader perspective when you look at things Downside is you go through a lot of friends.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I want to ask you about that, man, because I know there's an upside to seeing so many different parts of the world and experiencing culture and food and atmosphere and environment and just location. You know it's all beautiful stuff, man, but what about your ability to make friends now, now that you're not moving around as a son of a missionary anymore? What do you? Is it still a challenge in doing that? Is there a residual effect to moving around so much and knowing our friendships can be short term?
Speaker 2:I think there's definitely a residual effect. For instance, like, my family is super tight-knit, right, because no matter where we go, my siblings and I can go years without seeing each other physically. But super tight-knit because, like my sister's halfway across the country uh, one of my brothers is in colorado, my sister's in missouri, I'm out in was Washington and we can go sometimes years without getting to see each other. Uh, cause we're all very busy people, right, so we're, but they're always, there's always. This deep connection with friends is not as much so. And now I mean, I've lived in the same spot, going on 18 years, which is a total surprise for me. Like my children were born and have been raised in this one house their whole life, uh, my oldest daughter's 13 but I don't have a lot of super close friends.
Speaker 2:Okay, and I think I I have a lot of acquaintances, I have a lot of pretty decent friends and I try, I'm actively trying to, but I I don't know if it's a defensive mechanism, because I got used to having to say goodbye across all the sweep of I'm 45 years old now. I have about five friends that I have stayed in contact with over the years and over the miles, the oldest one going back to about junior high and the other ones in high school, and we've remained close. But it's about five, maybe six people and we still go two or three years without talking to each other. Wow, I have two friends that are in my life regularly, that I see regularly, wow, I mean that's.
Speaker 1:That's incredible though, but I get it though, because you can't live a life I don't know how many years of work that you are you know doing the the moves with your, with your family, but it's not easy to just kind of snap out of those kinds of habits. Yes, so now you're 45 years old and you're still trying to figure out which is a good thing. You are trying to figure it out, but you are trying to figure out how to create or cultivate lasting friendships and relationships. I love that. I think the thing that I want to get into somewhere in the course of this episode it's just about the fact that, no, this is a man trying to do this Because people think it's easy.
Speaker 1:People look at the camaraderie that we might see in team sports and athletics or the commercials that show guys together doing stuff, and people just kind of assume, oh, it's easy for us to create that kind of stuff. It's like no, brent Dallin's on this show. To bust that myth right now. It's not easy for us, and we're going to talk about why it's not easy. But I want to hit you with a heavy question before we get into all of that deep stuff that I want to talk about today. In many spaces, you know, men get blamed and rightfully so in some cases for the state of affairs in our world and what things look like Even on ground level with families, communities, nations and such. But what do you think is the biggest myth and lie that's told about men? That's not true.
Speaker 2:The biggest myth and lie that's told about us is not true that we have.
Speaker 1:Everything they said is not true about us, just to be clear. That's why I know there is an answer, probably more than one, but go ahead. The biggest lie is that our only value lies in providing. Let's get into that a little deeper. Flesh it out. For me, the lie that only value is in our ability to provide yes, and provision, right.
Speaker 2:Most men have heard the three P's right is provide, preside, protect. This is very common, especially if you get into the circles of men's communities. There's a great podcast that that's their core tenants. Right, that's the three things. They really circle around in the men's space and it's because, historically, that that's been our three primary roles as the world has evolved. Right, we don't live in the same world. Uh, 50 years ago, much less 100 years ago, men aren't having to fill those exact roles to the extent they used to, right, however, men have not been taught any different, so we're still being raised with that expectation that goes back a thousand plus years, and we're taught that our ability to provide for our family is the maximum purpose in our life and that's where our value comes from. Uh, there's I've seen it quoted by so many people that I don't know, actually, who originated the quote. It's the only things that are loved in life for what they are are women and dogs. Wow, and yeah, everything else you have and the right, the consensus of the idea is that nothing is truly just loved because they exist Children, women, dogs, because they exist, but men, no. If you don't provide, if you don't, you know, take care of something you have no value Seems a consensus that is. It may not be outwardly spoken, but it's how we are engaged as men. We have to bring some form of tangible value or we have no value. Where do you think that comes from? I think that's just a historically functional thought. Right, men were valued.
Speaker 2:If we go back in and I hate to use the term evolutionary history because I don't believe in evolution but if you go back in evolutionary history of humans and the way we work, right, that's what men did. Men got up and they went and they hunted, they protected the village, they protected their families and that is essentially their job and that's what they brought to it. Women did most of the nurturing and the young raising, the young. Men only stepped in when boys hit a certain age. Right, that was our historical background through all of society.
Speaker 2:Men go, take care of things. They get it done, they protect us, they make sure we're fed, they make sure we have a roof over our head and, despite the world changing so radically, we have not changed that. This is what we teach men to do. This. This is all we teach men you. This is what defines you, this is what makes you valuable. This is what gives you purpose in life.
Speaker 2:I get so many people when I talk to me you have a bigger purpose, right, I've. I've almost wept when I've had guys like, but what else? What else is there? I take care of my family. That's what I do, and my half to all the brothers out there taking care of their family. Right, you were taking care of good. Good, that is part of your purpose. Great, you chose to be a dad or a husband. Great, you're taking care of your family. Excellent, you should. But there is more to life for you and you are more valuable than just that. And that's the biggest lie they tell men is you don't have any value. That is what you're doing.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's, that's deep. I want to get into some more of that, but before we do that, for all listeners and viewers that are watching right now and checking us out if you have any questions for Brent or myself in regards to these topics, don't be afraid. Drop them in a live chat in the comments section. We'll answer those as soon as we get them and when it makes sense to start talking about those. So go ahead and share those questions in the comments, or if you're just a friend of Brent's and want to shout him out, by all means, please do so. We'd love to see that too.
Speaker 1:So one thing and this is something that I had to learn as a man heading into his almost 30th year of marriage, I felt like when we had a situation that happened, the man in me wanted to try to fix it. I think men have a fix-it mentality. I don't mean fixing things as in doing carpentry that's not even my carpentry, anyways. I'm more of a creative person, more of a designer, if you will. I'm not good with putting bites together, that's not my thing. I don't enjoy that.
Speaker 1:But whenever we have a problem in a household, I always try to fix it, and it took me years, and I mean that quite a little bit, no exaggeration, no hyperbole at all. It took me years to figure out that I can't fix everything. I can't fix everything. How do we deal with the thought that you just finished talking about, how that historical idea that's been ingrained in us, that's probably not good for us clearly to now be like how do we address problems and issues that we have in our household and not turn into going to Mr Fix-It mode and then turn that switch in the day back in that bad space again? How do you deal with it?
Speaker 2:That's an evolving, complex issue, right, because that's something my wife and I just celebrated our 24th anniversary.
Speaker 1:Oh, congrats brother, Congrats man.
Speaker 2:Very, very proud of that, and that is one of those things that took me years to learn with her right. Oh, okay, because you know we're looking at this question at a multifaceted level In my relationship, learning that that's not what my wife needs from me all the time. That was a really hard, hard lesson for me to get. I actually all the time like that was a really hard, hard lesson for me to get. Um, I actually got to the point where my wife would start to talk about something and I I don't do it as much. I've learned, right, I evolved in it, but when I first started trying to get really cognizant of this and the differences in our needs, I would be like, oh, all right, pause, baby, do you need me to fix something or just listen to something, cause I'm good either way. I just I need a guideline here. Should we get mad? Cause, like she doesn't want you to ask that, right, she wants you to just know. But, ladies, if you're listening, we're tell us it helps, trust me.
Speaker 2:Now I ask this often every now and then it still comes up, and so you know, in my marriage that's taking time to apply and I still struggle with it because I do, I, I'm, I'm still jumping into you know, superman, fix it. Oh, because I'm, I'm very my wife and my daughters are everything to me my, my marriage, my marriage, my relationship, my children, this is my whole universe. And so, automatically, right, I want to fix the problem because them, I, I, I, I really couldn't care less about myself most time, but making sure their world is okay, it's not just what I feel like I have to do, it's what I want to do Right, that's the. I want to take care of them and so learning to evolve that into my relationship. So I'm listening to my wife more instead of just trying to fix, because she doesn't always want you to fix it Right.
Speaker 2:And some guys are starting to learn that, uh, guys who really start to invest in their marriage start to learn these things sometimes. But then applying that into the rest of the world, right, with my children, it's like, uh, and it's the. I don't need to fix this because I need to let them struggle some right, learning to be a good dad sometimes means you have to learn that sometimes your kids have to struggle and you have to let them, because that's where they start to learn the problem solving. That's where they start to build some character, is in those struggles, that's where growth really starts to happen. And so applying it at that level of uh you know relationship, whether it's a girlfriend or a wife or a parent, it's like nope, nope, nope.
Speaker 2:Take a breath, let them work right, yeah, uh, because that is intensely like our nature. We we want to fix that, but also there are times you have to learn in the bigger picture it's like, no, I don't need to fix this, it's it's what I want to do. It's the impulse reaction. But is this really something that me doing this? Will this make the world better? Will it make my life better? Will it? Is it actually in my realm of what I should be taking care of? And having to sit back and not intervene on things that really aren't necessarily my business, even are my responsibility to do, but I still want to go do it? Having to learn to say no to those impulses is really really hard for men, yeah, but on the other hand, we have a younger generation that's actually really struggling with engaging more when it comes to those things.
Speaker 2:I had one of my listeners tell me a story. He just got back from a trip. He travels a lot and he was having lunch with some friends down, like in arizona or something, and there was a crash, a car wreck, right in front of the restaurant they were in. So he jumped up, ran outside, took charge of the scene, stabilized that one of the drivers, who was looking pretty bad. The guy tried to get up and start moving. He started stabilizing him. You know, he's got basic first aid and cpr and stuff and he's like sir, you're, you're okay, I need to settle, I need to be still. Uh, we don't know what's going on with you, we don't know if you're really hurt. I just need to be right. He's trying to calm down the situation. Take care of it.
Speaker 2:There was another guy I've done with him who was sitting there. I've done with him, who was sitting there, and he was like do, do, do, do, do. Wow, oh, that sucks. Huh, like there was no impulse to go help, no impulse to. And so we're starting to see a pivot on the younger generation and I'm not just generational stuff, but we're starting to see this uh, young men not having that impulse. We have trained that out of them in the system and that's just as scary as the guys like us who want to fix everything and getting that under control.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I want to come back to that point about training that out of our young people. I love what you said before that about you know, asking your wife. You know, should I be listening here, should I be doing something here? I tried that and my wife, in her wisdom and I love her for this she recognized that something. I didn't notice at the time because I just wanted to please her, essentially, to make sure things was good and that and that this was a livable atmosphere in our home. I want to do whatever I have to do, whatever I have to sacrifice, whatever I have to kill to make that happen. I was willing to do that. She said that she would.
Speaker 1:It would hurt her more to see a dead man walking around as a husband, somebody with no life, with no vitality, not doing the things that he enjoys and loves, just to please me. And I don't know many women at all that would ever say that. They would say you know what I want, all of that, I want all of your best and everything and don't take into consideration what you need. So just thought that I think might resonate with some of our viewers and listeners who may be challenged with that toe. In that line. There's a part of you that still has to be shown and purposeful and vital. You can't kill it for the sake of the other person. That's why people speak to our order. That's my better half. I don't use terms like that because that's not good, it's not a good mentality, but we make each other better, so I love that part.
Speaker 1:Okay, now you were talking about training out of us or training out of the young people the ability to kind of be who they're supposed to be. There's a book called Wilder Heart, remember it, by John Eldridge, wilder Heart that book I'm sitting here doing a book pub. I mean that wasn't my plan, but that book, right there, has been revolutionary in the way. I think about that, and it speaks to the exact same thing. You mentioned empowering men a lot in our pre-interview chat. Why was it important for you, and your wife as well, to be engaged and empowered other men? Tell me why, how that came about and how she's involved in it, and kind of speak to that a little bit.
Speaker 2:So we trying to think of how to say this quickly. I'm not worse than you Go. It started with solving problems for the women in my life. I'm a former youth minister. I spent 20 years working with teenagers. I would see the ups and downs of the young men and women as they're growing and maturing. I'd see boys being careless with the hearts of girls and not understanding that they were being careless with the hearts of girls, right. And then it evolved into my wife's nice friend circle. We had this for, I think, two and a half three years. Every thursday night we'd have our house full of our friends. We'd have this big dinner at our house, full of our friends. We'd have this big dinner at our house, uh, and the majority of our friends are female and I'd explain. I'd I'd listen to them talk about their husbands or their boyfriends or whatever. They complain and fuss and I'd be like that you, you understand what's actually happening, right? They're like well, no, what he's actually doing is this right?
Speaker 2:And I started translating for those young women you know, we were in our 20s or 30s and I started translating the men in their life for them. A translator, what a job, right. And they're like oh, my God, brent, you need to write a book I actually. So I started writing a book. What a job, right. And they're like oh my God, brent, you need to write a book, I actually. So I started writing a book. I was requested, people asked me to write a book and before the whole mansplain term came along like that just set off bells and whistles in my head, the the whole wait, you want me to write a book for women about understanding their men. I just see this ending badly. But it did start me on this thought process of you.
Speaker 2:Know, I have a lot of women in my life. I have all these females in my house. Right, I now have two daughters I have. I always get the number wrong. Right, I now have two daughters I have. I always get the number wrong. I want to say eight nieces, um, from like okay, young, like younger than my daughters, to 30s now, right, I have eight nieces in that age range.
Speaker 2:And I started looking at them and all the frustrations I had seen as a youth minister with the young women that I worked with uh, with men, not young men not knowing how to interact with them, how to treat them, and so I started doing the math, it's like, well, what about my daughters? My, my daughters are the babies in the family, what. What's it going to be like? Cause I was seeing the result of cultural shifts and norms and it's like, okay, so what's going to be like when my daughters start dating? How are they going to find a guy that treats them well and treats them right? Oh, wow. And so I really started fixating on this.
Speaker 2:Right, with so many girls in my life, having so many nieces and then having daughters myself, I really started fixating on this idea is like what can I do? Cause I don't want to mansplain stuff to women and that's not going to solve the problem. So what can I do to impact the world in such a way that I'm helping the coming generations of men find their way back to a better way? Right, and I'm not saying we should all go back to 19th fifties men kind of thing, right. I don't think that was perfect either, but I started trying to find the mix of how do we help men want to become the best version of themselves and live up to their full potential, because men who pursue that are going to have healthier, stronger relationships. They're going to treat people better. They're going to live better when we build that self-awareness and design into men, when we build that self-awareness and design into men. So I started fixating on building content to help men who are on that path as well.
Speaker 1:Okay, I want to get into some of that content, one of the things that I know that myself finds great value in. I think you do too. We kind of bonded in our previous chat. I think our listeners and viewers that are men can relate. I'm sure that the women that are listening as well the mothers, the sisters, the daughters they can get something out of it as well. But men, we deal a lot with isolation. It's kind of one of the key issues that we deal with. We can go deep into spiritual reasons about why we're we're. We're primed for that. We won't take every soul to do that. I do that on my other shows. But but in regards to this though, we deal with being solitary and be isolated, and we often try to find solace in that. Talk to me about where you seen that go wrong for you and how you helped other men that you've been coaching.
Speaker 2:Deal with the uh, avoiding the, the normal trap of uh isolation and solitary so you know, the first thing is just an awareness, right, okay, it took me. I was aware that I tended towards isolation and for, for everybody listening, please understand that a man can be in the middle of a room full of people and still feel utterly alone. Just because we are physically among other people does not mean that we are actually connecting and out of that isolation. In fact, it's actually our game, that that's the getaway. We go do things so it looks like we're not alone and sad, but that's really just a game to get people off our backs. Um, you were talking earlier about how people see the pictures of guys like around barbecue grills and stuff like that. Like, oh, it's so easy for you guys. What you don't understand is those 20 other guys standing around the barbecue. Girl, I can stand there for three hours for those guys and I don't know any of their names by the time it's over and I'll probably never talk to them again. We're not bonding, we're not connecting, we're existing in the same space and we can get along and it means nothing, right? Um, to actually break through and get that. So first comes awareness.
Speaker 2:Like I said, for me it was fairly easy because I grew up protecting myself, building walls, and just found out my identity and my family. That was where I connected. Uh, but keeping everybody else away was just a standard protocol for me, and so I was always aware that I was a bit of an isolationist, that I retreated away from people, that I frequently felt alone. Um, I was actually just talking to a friend of mine about this and it's like and I told him, it's like, look you're, you're frustrated because you feel alone, because you're not married. And right, he's not where he wants to be in that part of his life. I said, but you, what you don't understand is I am surrounded with everything you want and I still struggle with feeling alone. I can be sitting in a room with my wife and children and still feel alone. Men build themselves into an island and we think that is strength. We think that's where we have to be. We think that's where we have to be. We think that's where we belong, and so it is taking me becoming I was aware of it, but it's taking me becoming intentional about trying to move away from that.
Speaker 2:In my life I've gotten proactive, about trying to spend time with other men, trying to connect with other men because, contrary to all the crappy myths, the lone wolf dies. That's what happens. If you understand nature, the lone wolf dies, of course. Absolutely. The lone, the single male lion, he dies too, like, whatever metaphor you want to use, like it ends badly. We, we don't. We're like oh, we're that. No, you died, that's what happens. Okay, people are a social thing, a social organism, so men actually do better when they do find that camaraderie. The problem is that deep camaraderie only comes in small connections. I used to tell people all the time it's like, if you can get to the end of the road and and on one hand, you can count the people who are truly close to you, you've done Okay, because the people who are like truly deeply with you, that's going to be a really small number, absolutely, that's fair.
Speaker 2:We need that. Part of the reason we mask it with going around to other things is we actually need that because while we're not deeply connecting necessarily in that group, while we may still feel alone, we actually still feel better about ourselves.
Speaker 1:That makes sense, man.
Speaker 2:When we see other men who are experiencing the same frustrations, and this is why we don't connect, because men don't want to talk about how they feel, right, those are bad words and but it's why group therapy works better than one-on-one therapy for men. We want to see other men who are struggling like we are and that makes us not feel alone. To see that we don't necessarily want to like become the best bros with them, but seeing that we're not the only one struggling with that issue helps us not feel alone. Just relatability, right, yeah, knowing we're not the only one struggling with that issue helps us not feel alone. Just relatability, right, yeah. Knowing we're not, we're not the only ones, we're not the island like. There are a lot of ideas. They all got the same problems right, that makes sense and so this is.
Speaker 1:This is a lot more questions I would ask you, so I want to watch it on time. Okay, I want, and it's, I got plenty more. You got a whole lot more story to want to ask you. I'm watching on time. I got plenty more, a whole lot more story to go and I want people to hear your story.
Speaker 2:So let me jump a little bit so what I encourage men to do is to start visiting other islands, and that's the first protocol. You don't have to go deeply connect Like I go to several Bible studies that I've seen some of the churches in my area, and it's not that I'm best friends with those guys, but we have a common belief and so that gives me a point of connection, and the more point of connections I have, the more likely I am to start to actually connect with somebody. So that's what I encourage men to do is to find multiple points of connection, and one of those might actually bleed through it for you. I like it.
Speaker 1:I like it. One of the things that, just as husbands and as fathers, we have to navigate is areas that we didn't have the kind of fathering that we have to give up. Talk to us about your relationship with your father and how you think it impacts your ability to be a father now.
Speaker 2:Oh, man and I think we talked about this in our pre-conversation I was so oh, yeah, we did. Yeah, I was so incredibly blessed. My father was such an amazing man. I never in my life questioned that he loved me or that he supported me or that he wanted to be part of my life. The hard part was every now and then keeping me out of parts of my life, right, um, and so I was. I was very blessed that way. My my dad came to our sporting events, my dad came to our music events or Whatever we did, uh, and in his final years, my father actually lived with us, his final year of life and he got to see me start my company and my podcast and what I'm doing now. Oh, wow, that's awesome. And that was like he was so happy about what I was doing.
Speaker 2:He used to tease me about my non-ministry ministry because I was like Dad, it's not a faith-based thing. He's like, yeah, you just help people and have biblical principles and try and make a difference in people's lives, but it's totally not a ministry. And so he teased me about my non-ministry. Um, but in his final year, like, I was still working in the corporate world and I like to come home after a 10 hour day and sit on my back porch. I love my backyard. It's trashed. It's so white trash. Right now there's junk all over. It looks so bad. I'm a horrible. I'm horrible at yard work. My dad loved to mow his lawn. I hate mowing my lawn, um, but I'd like to come home and sit on my back porch in the air, because I've been inside all day and drink a cup of coffee and unwind.
Speaker 2:Before I started on my podcast and stuff, I was working on that day and my dad was only ever a social coffee drinker. He's not like me. I drink coffee all the time. He's not like me. I drink coffee all the time. But like he would be waiting on the back porch for me in his wheelchair to have a cup of coffee with me when I got home, just so he could talk to me. That's beautiful, bro. Uh, that was, I mean, just three years ago or so, right in his final years, that he was still trying to be that dad who talked to me and listened to me and was engaged with my life and it's. I realized in my twenties, um, after a major setback in life, uh, my dad bailed me out of. I realized in my twenties, if I became half the father, my father, my dad was that I will have done well in my lifetime. Everything I do as a parent goes back to my parents.
Speaker 1:I love that. What's your biggest revelation about parenting that you learned up to now? What's your biggest revelation about parenting?
Speaker 2:I don't have any music to play, so you gotta you're on your own with this how incredibly powerful your parenting can be. I had such amazing parents and my mom still lives with us. My dad passed on a couple years ago. My mom lives with us. I have amazing parents and you know, at 45, my mom is still a huge supporter and very empowering and I love the fact that she's involved with my kids and in their life. But the echoes of the things they did.
Speaker 2:At 45, I see the value in the way I was parented. I see how that impacted my life and I really it took a long time for me to understand just how critically impacting parents are for good, are for bad in your life. Right, if you had really great parents, then you you can still turn into a piece of crap. Right, there's a lot of choice in everything and that was that's the other revelation was you still have so much choice involved. I know parents who are amazing parents and their kids turn into horrible human beings. I know parents who are amazing parents and their kids turn into horrible human beings. I know parents who were horrible parents and their kids turned into amazing human beings because they went. I will never be like that. Right, there's still a lot of individuality, but I don't think people understand the depth of the impact a parent has on their life until you get to the end.
Speaker 1:It makes sense. Tell us why you briefly, tell us briefly why you started the driven to thrive broadcast. What kind of launched this? What started?
Speaker 2:this. So this goes back to the book story. I started my book and I I actually wrote a hundred plus pages. Oh sweet, congrats, bro. I still haven't finished it five years later. Well, things have changed so much.
Speaker 2:After five years of doing this, the book took a totally different direction, as always. Yeah, but I started writing this book and so I started looking into self-publishing, cause, you know, I'm I'm not some famous author. I'm not going to get random house or somebody to publish my book, right, I'm a nobody. So I started looking into self-publishing and I realized that was self-publishing. If I wanted someone other than my wife and my mom to read my book, I had to build an audience, and so I, I I did what everybody did back in 2020 and I was like I'll be social media man, right, and so I'm gonna be insta famous. I was like anybody can be insta famous these days. I look at these retards on instagram and like why do people follow this person? So I'm like, okay, I can do this. Amazing.
Speaker 2:Uh, it took two weeks. You figure out, I hate social media. Like I hate social media that long. It took two weeks, two weeks, and I was like I am not going to be able to do this. Um, I, I hate this like passionately, venomously hate it, and so I started looking for a different medium to be able to grow an audience and that's when I started my podcast, because I do have a background. I've been, I've been doing public speaking, I spoke, started having to speak in front of you know, sometimes hundreds of people. When I was 11 years old uh, growing up in the church, growing up a preacher's kid, I was leading worship at 11 years old, like the call to worship songs at the beginning of the service.
Speaker 2:Sometimes they'll do and I grew up in an acapella church, so, like no musical instruments, it's just me up there starting a song in front of 200 plus people. Um, so I'm not shy when it comes to talking. Uh, I've spoken in front of thousands of people, so I thought you know what played in my strong suit. Getting me to shut up is the trick. I can talk. I love making podcasts, so I'll start my own podcast. Yeah, I started my own podcast in September of 2020, and I fell in love with it. I fell in love with podcasting.
Speaker 1:I started around the same time. Yeah, around September, october. Yes, same year, everything, september 2020. This is awesome. Okay, I like this. Now, as a man, we have to deal with our fallibility let's use that word. But also you need to adjust and change, and sometimes I don't think it's a gender thing. I think people can be stubborn, generally speaking, and be resistant to change. You mentioned in our pre-interview chat about building a better relationship with your wife. Now, in 23 years of this marital journey, I'm sure you had challenges along the way. Tell us how, for those that are listening and watching and are in a committed relationship like that, explain how you learned how to build a better relationship. What are you? What are you doing? What kind of a, any, any kind of method you can share briefly on how to how you've been?
Speaker 2:achieving that? And the answer is very simple intentionality. Okay, we, as men, one of our great failings is we have and I don't know, I don't know where it sources from, but as men we have this failing in our brains, the way it works as far as we get the girl, and then we're like we're good, right, and we start to coast. You know the first couple years, right, everybody's, everybody knows the first couple years of marriage are usually hot and heavy and passionate, and you, you, you have passionate moments, both positive and negative, right, cause fights generally get pretty passionate at that point too, cause you're young and stupid and going like, oh right, but after those first couple of years, we stopped being intentional about our relationship. Life happens, good point, we got bills to pay, we got jobs, we got to go to, we're both tired, blah, blah, blah, and we stop focusing on it because we've conquered that.
Speaker 1:We have achieved, we've conquered, we have the woman, yay, woman, that's the key word right there. Conquered, that's the word.
Speaker 2:And the thing is we forget that this isn't a one and done. This is a conquering and occupation you can't just conquer. It's an occupation you have to. Now you are a full-time husband, which means every day you have to choose to do something intentional, to be intentional about that relationship or that occupation is going to end. That is the key. To choose to do something intentional, to be intentional about that relationship or that occupation's gonna end. That is the key, right there. It's intentionality.
Speaker 1:I love that. One thing I also realized and we've run out of time quickly, not getting to all the questions, so we're gonna have to move speedily from here on out. But one of the things that I think I notice a lot we're going to have to move speedily from here on out. But one of the things that I think I notice a lot when it comes to men is that and I've seen this, I think you've seen it too there's so many of us out here that are coaches. We're personal development coaches. I mean, I'm a certified life coach, but I don't talk about it because it's such a bad name out here. I don't even want to be associated with it, even though I have a full-blown certification that didn't really probably expire by now. The point is that people want to be coaches and mentors and leaders and stuff, but they don't like the idea of being led.
Speaker 2:You're a relationship coach a personal development coach and you coach other people. Who coaches you? Um, I actually have several mentors. Um, there, there's a podcaster, uh, oliver Marcel, and his wife Denise.
Speaker 2:they run the relationship trade secrets podcast and all I do is a relationship work and like I tune into their shows, like I have a tremendous YouTube channel. They have multiple shows besides their podcast. Okay, and I, I listen to their stuff regularly because I know that part of me being intentional about my relationship is putting stuff into it right, making sure I'm putting into me and continuing to grow and be, and my wife and I generally try and do at least one relationship like retreat, our class or seminar. We're very intentional about that. So, yeah, I I find other people in the space that I believe I can learn from that. I think they have something to teach me. Uh, just like I had a business coach for a couple years and he does life coaching and stuff like that. But, right, I find people that I think are a step or two ahead of me at least and seek them out.
Speaker 2:I don't stop, right, I mean, yesterday I listened, I listened to podcasts and stuff in the background all day long. I read books constantly, background, all day long. I read books constantly. Um, I never. I I believe in the concept of being never satiated in my pursuit of being better, and so I'm always looking for that person who can show me something, teach me something. What can I learn here? Who I need to work on this? Who can I? What can I find on this topic? Right, what can? What book can I read? What podcast can I listen to? I'm always looking for that next insight, because there's a lot of collective wisdom in the world and we're at a crazy time where you can reach more than ever before.
Speaker 1:I loved it. I love that. So when I say building a better man, what comes to mind? What does that mean from your perspective? I know people who are here that'd be like build a better man. Men and women might be offended equally. But you tell me, though, what does it mean to build a better man?
Speaker 2:It means consistent improvement. We have to get out of a better man as a man who is working on themselves. I'm not looking for the perfect man, because the perfect man doesn't exist. Well, he did a long time ago, but that's another conversation, right? I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking at men to step out of stagnation, and that is a better man, the man who is working on himself. I really break people into four categories of like life pillars, and everything in your life fits in one of those four segments, and so I look at a better man building a better man as a man who is working actively on trying to improve in one of those areas on a regular basis. Right, a better man is a man who is self-aware of the fact that he has space to grow.
Speaker 1:That makes sense. Okay, I think I got it, we got. We got time for two more questions. Okay, uh, if you were not doing podcasting and coaching, what would? What would Brent be doing?
Speaker 2:Ooh, you know, uh, I don't know. I've fallen in love with entrepreneurship. I burnt out on working in the corporate world. Honestly, I don't know that I could ever go back to working in the corporate world a nine to five kind of job. I hear you, and so I mean I wear a lot of hats. I'm a podcast producer. I work in digital marketing for a company out of Florida and we do a little bit of everything for them. I do voice work and stuff like that. So I think if I wasn't doing the podcast and stuff like that, if I was just trying to make a living, I would still have to pursue business of some kind. Okay, you do what kind I honestly like I would love to open a gym. Like I still, okay, you know what kind? Uh, I honestly like I would love to open a gym. Like I, I still tend on work opening a gym.
Speaker 2:When I started podcasting, it was because if you're going to be a podcaster, you have to be able to talk about love, like truly love. What you talk about, like it has to flow through you so much that you can always talk about it. The only thing I talk about as much as this is the gym. Like I'm a certified personal trainer that might have expired. That was the most useless certification in history. It did not improve my training before after I got it. And yeah, um, as far as my abilities as a trainer, I've worked with people for years in the gym. I love working with people, especially who are building back from injury, are trying to compensate for a permanent injury. I have tons of experience at it. It's the only thing that I can. I can talk weightlifting and exercise all day long. I could do a whole podcast on it. I just decided the space was too saturated. No, that makes sense, though. That makes sense. But yeah, I absolutely want to open my own gym.
Speaker 1:Okay, I love the answer. All right, so just one, or it's kind of a two-part question, but I'll ask you the first part first. If you can pick one goal, what's the goal for the Driven to Thrive broadcast? What do you want to be the singular thing that people get from listening to your podcast?
Speaker 2:you were born for so much more I people can settle you. You were born for so much more I love that.
Speaker 1:So we talked about a lot of things, man this is my final question for you. We talked about masculinity. We talked about personal development and parenting. We talked about podcasting and fitness, entrepreneurship. Talked a little bit about social culture too, and just faith and fatherhood. For all our listeners and viewers that are listening and watching right now or will be watching on the replay, If there's a takeaway from everything that we talked about, all the areas that we touched, what would you say to them, even in the form of advice? What would you give them advice for that you think is life-changing enough to share it on this broadcast? What would that be?
Speaker 2:Everything of value starts with one small habit. That's all it takes. It starts with one simple small habit. It can change the rest of your life. It's really that simple. It changed my life. Walking changed your life. It's really that simple. It changed my life. Walking changed my life. I actually did a whole podcast episode about this recently. Walking changed my life Just the decision to start walking and moving more. After years of working at a desk, I realized my health was getting out of sideways. So I decided to start walking during lunch. No, like I wasn't running or sprinting or anything. I just decided to start walking during lunch. No, like I wasn't running or sprinting or anything, I just decided to get up and move on my lunch break every day. Walking was the first habit and it absolutely changed the course of my life because once I made that habit, my brain started opening up to more possibilities.
Speaker 1:I love this man. That's awesome advice, man. One little step. You know I love this man. That's awesome advice, man. One little step. I love that man. Thanks for being on here with us, man. This was a fantastic conversation. I hope that the men and the women that were listening will be listening to the replay and enjoy what they heard. Tell everybody where they can find your work. Let them know now where they can find your work and we'll get out of here. Let them know now where they can find your work and we'll get out of here.
Speaker 2:So I've I've rebuilt, I rebranded this year, and so my new hub is purpose driven mencom. You can go there. You can find my podcast, you can find our blog, you can find other stuff I put out for men. That is home base. So purpose driven mencom is where you want to go. My newsletter is there, everything so purpose driven.
Speaker 1:Mencom, I love this. If you don't mind, as we get off air on our YouTube channel in the comment section, Brent, where the episode is, drop all your links there if you don't mind. Doing that for them and that will. They missed that, as you just said. They can go there and find it pretty easily. Support your blog and the rest of what you're doing on your website and everything else. Man, All right, but this has been fantastic. Man, Appreciate it so much. Well, I'm sure it's not gonna be the last time we talk to each other. I'm sure it won't be the last time, but I don't think so. But for all you listeners and viewers, thanks for watching. Please support the YouTube channel. Youtubecom. At the call me, Mr you. You'll find this episode here and some of Brent's links so we can support his work. We're out of here. Have a great day. Thanks again for watching and listening.
