From Greek Special Forces To Mindful Men’s Coaching w/ Stefanos Koutsoumpis

You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone, and for a lot of men that quiet loneliness turns into burnout, addiction, or a life that looks fine from the outside but feels empty on the inside. We sit down with Stefanos Koutsoumpis, a scientist turned mindful life coach, to talk about what actually helps men rebuild confidence, connection, and emotional strength.

We start with his story growing up in Greece, navigating a religious family culture, leaving home young, and serving in the Greek army special forces. From there, we connect the dots between physics and personal growth: the habit of checking assumptions, spotting bias, and running real “experiments” in your behavior instead of treating fear, dating, or networking as permanent personality traits.

Then we go deep on men’s mental health: the loneliness epidemic, why boundaries are so hard for men to hold, and how depression often hides behind overwork and numbing habits. We also challenge the idea that men have “low emotional IQ” by breaking down emotional intelligence into skills you can train, including self-insight, empathy, and decision-making. Finally, we talk about why technology and modern city life can reduce empathy, and what to do about it with more in-person contact and low-stakes daily practice in opening up.

Here's a great resource from our guest for anyone looking to improve their well-being right now.

• Free Guide: 5 Simple Ways to Feel Happier & More Fulfilled Today - Without Changing Your Job
• My Website

If you got value from this conversation, subscribe, share it with a man who needs it, and leave a review. What part of emotional strength are you trying to build right now?

Transcript

Welcome And Who Stefanos Is

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Welcome back to one-on-one with Mr. Yu. Of course, I'm your host, Mr. Yu, in the studio with us. He is a scientist, a researcher. He is a businessman, project manager. He's involved in a lot of things, all things business, if you will, as well as mindfulness and psychology. Stefanos Kutovitz is in the house with us today. Stefanos, how are you, sir? Hi, Mr. Yu. Very nice being with you here today. Same here, same here, sir. We had a great conversation offline before scheduling our interview today. And I'm just excited about this. But for all you guys that are watching and listening to our show for the very first time, thanks again for making us part of your week. We are live on YouTube and Facebook right now on the listening platform. This episode will be uh released April the 14th. So we're excited about hearing what you think about it, about Stephanos and his ideas and thoughts and his experiences, and how you enjoy the show. Let us know on every uh listening and video platform that you're watching the show from or hearing the show from. All right, so I want to get into a little bit of your childhood, man. Kind of how'd you get started? How'd you get from where you where you were the young Stephanos to who you are today? What's some key factors that got you here?

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Okay, yes, sure. I would love that. You know, I grew up in a small city. I'm actually from Athens, from uh Greece. I grew up in a small city, and later I moved to Athens in the main city of uh Greece. Uh I am from a big family. We were four boys in our family. I was the third one. It was a religious family. So until 18, things were pretty, pretty tough. You know, I was living with my family, with my grandma, my relatives uh and everything. And uh at 18 I moved out of my city to to study, and this is when I first came to to be on my own and to have to tend for my own and you know take care of myself. So that was a key factor of uh of who I am today. That at some point I had to take care of myself. Um later on, uh, the next big challenges were you know, in Greece you have to serve the army, that's mandatory. So I was in the army, that's something that really added a lot of stress in me, and also my studies. You know, I was studying physics, I did a PhD in physics in in plastic materials, so that also was a big uh stressor and a big growth factor, you know, studying a lot, traveling a lot to disseminate your science. So, yeah, more or less, this is not how I got here today, but you know, some key details about me.

Faith Family And Outgrowing Patterns

SPEAKER_01 3:08

Okay, no, that's awesome. Uh I'm I'm intrigued by a few of those things. I want to move on, but uh you you created some questions for me. So you were saying you're from a uh a deeply religious family, which I think I I get that most Greek family that I've seen, they uh especially back home uh in New York, a lot of Greek families in our old neighborhood, and they were very very religious. What does it look like now that you've actually left the uh under the confines of your family from your family's roof? How do you feel about what you were learning all that time? Do you still feel close to it, or do you feel like you've kind of taken a different direction, moving out of your family home?

SPEAKER_02 3:50

You know, this changes over the years. So if you will ask me 10 years ago, I was in a totally different direction. I felt very far away from home, you know, physically and mentally. Nowadays I'm I'm engaged, I'm trying a bit to move back to my home because the the quality of life is much better. It's a village, uh the foods are better, the the life itself, there is no traffic, for example. So now I'm starting to understand why people live there and why they enjoy it. And and I might move back one day. But uh over the years, as I grew, I understand that I outgrew many of the ways of thinking and the ways of doing of my family, actually. So I had to move out of this to grow as a person, actually.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

No, that makes a lot of sense. How far away from you are you now? Where are you now? Where you located now?

SPEAKER_02 4:51

Uh I mean, nothing's actually it's not that far away, it's a couple of hours now. Still in Greece, yeah, yeah.

Serving In The Greek Army

SPEAKER_01 4:58

Okay, okay. So you mentioned something about the army that that's so intriguing me because I've never I've been I've been on earth for a while. I've never heard anything about the Greek army, I've never heard a thing about it. Why is it so uh not not discussed so much? Why does it not why do we never hear about it? Do you know why?

SPEAKER_02 5:19

I'm not sure. You know, more or less every male in in Greece they have to serve the army, and it's something you do for nine months to one year, and uh for some people can be an enjoyable experience because you get out of home and you are trying new stuff for the first time. Actually, lots of men in Greece they make great friendships in the army, you know, because you are there with someone, uh it's an unconvenient environment, you're struggling a lot, so you tend to bond better with people when you are in such circumstances. Um so for the people who haven't traveled much, I would say, it's an important aspect in their lives. So maybe the people that you meet who are Greeks, they haven't done this, they haven't gone through that phase, or it wasn't something worth mentioning in their life. Maybe they've done more magnificent things in our lives. But for me, it was quite an experience, you know. I was serving um uh in the special forces of of uh Greece. It wasn't like I was going to Iraq, we were just in the borders, but uh it was it was cruel, you know, uh a lot of lack of sleep, a lot of playing around with guns, and yeah, and I was a photographer at that point for the army, so I got some into some boats that carried helicopters. I was in some expeditions with boats, etc. That was pretty awesome from for my part.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Wow, wow, and how things with the family now? Are you still like close to the family? Do you still talk? Are they supportive of the work that you're doing now?

SPEAKER_02 7:03

You know, uh my my parents, my father, my mother, they have uh trouble understanding what my kind of generation problems are. So, you know, I haven't gotten married yet, for example, and this is strange to them because they got married when they were 22 or 23, something like that. So there is this age difference and uh difference in difference in mindset. So I wouldn't say that we are close that much, and it's something that I don't like, but I don't have uh I can't reach them with my thoughts, and they can't reach me with their thoughts. So this there's this discrepancy which I wouldn't like to have with my songs, for example, in the future.

Physics Training A Truth Seeking Mind

SPEAKER_01 7:48

Yeah, I understand that. So I guess you gotta be uh look searching for uh a wife now, so you can make maybe the bigger home. Oh, I see what's going on. Okay, there's so many things that we talked about that I really enjoyed. I really want to come back to that uh because the subjects that you discussed that you specialize in are the things that we talk about the most on our brand of podcasts, and I just get so much enjoyment from talking about it. So I want to get to that. I want to ask you about the science and research and part of who you are. Because it's kind of a two-part question. One, are you still using science and research today? Second part of my question is why do you think you went into that field? Because it's usually a certain kind of personality type or something that we experienced as we were younger, and it made us want to be not just inquisitive, but but really dig and find and understand the deep things that you would discover through science and research. And so, are you still using science and researching today? And what made you go into that field? Do you believe? Go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 8:57

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'll answer in the in the wrong uh uh order. I went into physics at uh that point because I really, really enjoyed learning about things, about how the world is is working, actually. I have I had and I still have these big questions of why the universe is like this or why atoms are like this. And as a child, even I was always watching documentaries, I was always learning things. You know, I I remember taking toys and disassembling them and assembling them again. I I liked playing around and learning. So it was the love of learning that led me into physics after all, and a bit of luck, also. Uh, so what I learned through this uh years that I was studying was to be really inquisitive, never believe anything before I check my resources and my own results. So, you know, nowadays I'm not no longer in physics, I don't remember any equations, I can't solve anything right now, but I still have this mindset. When I'm speaking with someone, what he's he's telling, it seems true, but I need to check it first. And this comes really handy when you are speaking with people and they have some mindset issue, and you go and see if there's any bias, for example. Is there something a perspective that they are not taking or or something certain that they believe it's true? But maybe it's not, maybe it's true to them or to how they feel, but it's not true in the world that we're living. So I'm still using science today, even when I'm reading the news or when I'm speaking with a fellow man to understand what is going on in his life, and we're going back and experiment. So I still experiment, for example, a lot with behavior. You know, I'm not good at speaking to girls, for example. See, how do I know it? I have to experiment, and I have to have some results and speak from results, not from how I fail. I'm not good at networking. No, I'm not good at networking, and it's true for me because I can't speak to people I don't know, but here I am with you today and we're speaking.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

So is it true that I'm not good? Okay, well, so you're saying you're not good at networking? I feel I feel like you're a little bit better than you might think you are. For you to do this and for us to connect and for you to be a part a part of our uh podcast community. I I feel like that's a huge step. People that say that they're not good at networking and they just they're resistant to the idea, they're completely isolated, they don't do what you're doing right now. So this is this is really good.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

Yeah, yeah.

Mindful Coaching Through Real Experience

SPEAKER_01 11:54

We'll talk about that one offline. We'll talk about that one after after the show. There's more, there's more meat on that bone for sure. Uh, I want to talk to you about the juicy parts. This is the part I want to take all the way to the end of our show today. You do a lot of work with men, and I do as well. You're a men's coach. I guess theoretically, I'm one to I guess uh you do a lot of coaching in that space. So let's talk about the coaching first, then we get more into the men's work because I know there's a lot of men that watch, listen to our show uh either live or on the replay, and they get a lot of value out of talking about because we have a men's roundtable series podcast. I think I discussed that with you uh every Thursday evening at 7 p.m. uh Eastern Standard Time. We talk about it's a safe space for men to talk about men's stuff, stuff that men deal with. So it's been very, very popular, it's growing, and it is definitely a relevant topic for men. As it pertains to the coaching, you're talking about uh being a mindful life coach. Tell us what that means. Somebody who's watching this and may desire to connect with you. What does it mean to be a mindful life coach? What's that look like?

SPEAKER_02 13:08

You know, part of my upbreaking was you know thinking a lot and having discussions and trying to convince people through through talking. And at some point I realized that okay, this is not working. No, you can't convince anyone about anything because everyone is having their own thoughts, but you can have people experience life, experience things, and then they will get their own answers. So for me, a big part of helping others is putting them in front of new experiences that will help them grow and come up with their own solutions. For example, like I was saying, put up a person that's no good at speaking to girls or networking and have him do it, and then he will fill it, it will be an embodied experience, and this stays with you for life. So, this is what is the mindful life being in the moment, being in the zone, and growing like that, not for reading a book or watching a documentary or having someone, a mentor or a coach or whoever tell you things, because they do work, but not to that extent that we think they work. And I always think back to the sage or to the to the master of martial arts, that he has been doing, you know, the walks-on, walks-off thing for the whole of their lives, and this is how they learned martial arts. They didn't read the book, but they were doing the same and the same again until they became masters of it. So, this is how I want to approach life for me and for my friends and for my clients as masters of life, as people who are living every day and learning from that.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

I love it. Who's your ideal client as a coach? Who's your ideal client?

SPEAKER_02 15:08

Uh, the the client that I represent the most will be a man, uh maybe at his 40s. Most of the time, the men I'm working with are single, so they don't have any kind of of support, of emotional support, because this is who I find that come to me. And so what I'm doing, I'm helping him build the emotional tools he needs to not feel stressed all the day, to be able to, you know, to have a fight at work and not but back, or you know, to to really handle the stressors of his parents growing up and having to take care of themselves, and also feel a bit of compassion towards himself, you know, not have yourself uh try to motivate yourself with a whip, you know, try to motivate yourself with a carrot, you know, it's better, it works better.

Loneliness Boundaries And Depression In Men

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Yeah, makes a lot of sense. So you're dealing with men around their 40s, single, uh, no emotional support, like you were saying. What are you seeing that are really common struggles for them that they don't really talk about much, but you're starting to notice about men in this place? What are you seeing?

SPEAKER_02 16:27

You know, the first part is loneliness. Uh, one in seven men don't have any friends at all, no one close to that they can speak to. So this is an epidemic, actually. Uh, and it's this is data, it's it's not just me. Uh, the second part is that they don't know any boundaries, and you know, not having boundaries can mean two things being too rigid and saying no to anyone, so no one can get close to you, this is a problem, and then again being a people pleaser and saying yes to everything so you don't get any time for yourself. And uh another big part is depression, you know. We have a lot of men who don't feel okay with themselves, they can't express it, so this spirals out of control, and they end up being either in some kind of addiction, which can be you know from smoking to drinking to whatever, or being burned out at work. This is a form of depression as well, to feeling uh totally sick with themselves, you know to not having any confidence to face their issues. So uh it gets a bit dark, but it can get dark if you don't if you are not uh proactive actually with yourself, with your mental health, with taking care of yourself.

Three Ways To Network Authentically

SPEAKER_01 17:56

Yeah, I want to I want to get into your men's work to have a quick question first because we talked about networking a little earlier, and I will say I would I would talk to you afterwards. We won't ask your question here right now. Uh, one of the things that we try to do through our coaching practice is to make networking uh authentic. Uh, not the cookie cutter stuff that you're seeing out there now, but make it authentic so people can grow themselves and grow in community as well, and grow the work that you're doing, whether it be your business, whatever it is. It's a big reason why we do that. For you, for yourself, as somebody who doesn't believe that he's good at networking, name three things that would help you in being better in that space, being more open in that space. What are three things that if they were presented to you now, it would help you be better at networking and feel more comfortable growing into that? What are three things you can name right now?

SPEAKER_02 18:52

You know, on top of my mind, first of all will be confidence that I can show up as myself and that I don't need any kind of trick or hack to network. So, on top of my mind, this will be one. The second one, it'll be some kind of guidance or information in means that okay, how do we do that? I I don't know because maybe I haven't done it before, or maybe I've done it, but I haven't reflected so much on that. So, how do we do that?

SPEAKER_00 19:20

So I can go and do more of that, kind of like clear instructions, yeah, like like that. Yeah, yeah, like it's a third one.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

Um I don't know, the third one, you know, everything is better with a friend. So maybe that that would be helpful.

Emotional Intelligence Men Can Train

SPEAKER_01 19:39

That's really good. I like that. That's really good. I like that. Okay, let's get into the men's work. I'm excited about this. This is what we're gonna uh roll this into throughout the end of the uh of the broadcast today. We're gonna talk about men's the rest of the time. This is a thought that men are have low emotional IQs. What's your thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_02 20:01

Yeah, well, you know, I wouldn't put my finger on that. Uh, you know, there are different parts of IQ, some of them are about understanding others and understanding social patterns. So we know that women are emotionally intelligent because they can get feelings and they form friendships very easily. And this is, for example, why gossip is is a thing, because it helps us understand how patterns on how other people are interacting. We are getting to know them through discussing. So that's a part that okay, maybe, maybe women are a bit better, but there's another part of emotional intelligence which is about self-insight and self-motivation. So, you know, I think that more or less no one is is good, at least from a young age, with self-insight. Everyone is searching to understand more about themselves, but men are pretty, pretty self-motivated, and they are so they can motivate themselves to do things, and they tend to be not everyone, but some of the men tend to be good leaders as well, so they can't motivate others very well. So there are some factors in emotional intelligence that are men's strong points, and some other factors that are women's strong points. Uh, but if you move on a high level of free leadership, for example, and you go to CEOs or politicians, and you are trying to compare men over women, you won't find much of a difference. You will find a whole, a whole human being, actually, someone who has developed. So I imagine this to say that it's trainable. As a man, you can train yourself inside, you can train how you empathize with others, and you can train how you connect with other people. So even if you are liking something. Because you know, of biology or nurture or whatever, you can still over the years practice it and grow it and learn it. And it's such a useful tool because we know that every decision is an emotional-based decision. So if you don't have uh the way to tap into this wisdom in yourself, you will struggle a lot to make any kind of decision. You know, you can't decide in which country you are gonna live, what job you're gonna do, or who are you gonna marry through a SWOT analysis, you know, with strengths and weaknesses. You you have to ask yourself, okay, what do I like? And this this question is an emotional-based question that will have an emotional answer.

Modern Masculinity Without The Posturing

SPEAKER_01 22:49

I love that, love that. What are your thoughts on the modern-day view of masculinity?

SPEAKER_02 22:58

Uh, it's all over the place. We're hearing many different things. There's those macho guys, there were always those macho guys, but nowadays we're having some bad behaviors as well. Men are coming up and telling, okay, we're better than women. And I understand that we're saying this because there's a lot of pressure for men nowadays. So we get into the other end of the scale, and we're reactive, and we're trying to prove something that you know that men are better than women, that you don't have to prove anything actually, if you have uh a healthy confidence. So this is a part of nowadays and today's toxic masculinity that affects negatively the confidence of men who are involved in this. So this is the bad part. But again, we have a lot of information nowadays and a lot of emotional support for those who will seek it. To have males who will be very happy, very confident, and very strong, actually. We don't have to give up our leadership skills if someone is a good leader, or tending for our families, because this is something important, you know, tending for your family, tending for your friends. That's something that men are doing, and we don't have to give up on those just you know to to see to seem less uh I don't know, less offensive to other people. Those are the healthy parts of masculinity, they were always there, and we still need them today.

Why Tech And Cities Increase Loneliness

SPEAKER_01 24:37

You mentioned earlier about the loneliness and it and then the uh kind of open door for addiction and depression and the lack of boundaries and things like that. Why do you think men feel so lonely when they have when they do have partners and friends and active social lives and they even married, why do you think they still feel lonely?

SPEAKER_02 25:01

I would say that's that has to do one part with technology, another part with the the way that we are living in modern cities with lots of people around us. So we know from the part of technology that for the last 40 years the empathy levels of our generation are getting lower and lower. And this has to do a lot with you know written communication. When you are speaking with someone over text most of the day, you can't really tell how he's feeling, you don't see their facial expressions, you can't tell their their uh voice, how their voice uh makes them feel, and and you when you are not in the same room with someone else, you can't have any touch, which is very useful actually. Where we're meant to be touched, so we don't have this that much. So this is a part of feeling lonelier because you can't connect really deeply with people over a text message, over an email. And then again, uh, you know, we're living in cities that are millions of people around us, uh and it's vicious. So we tend to get to get away from other people, to hide in our nests, you know, hide in our houses, stay away from all this noise because to be frank, it's it can be it can be very stressful. So unless you really, really are aware of that and try to connect with other people and try to open up, you have the option today to stay at home. And this might seem like a good solution. And if you keep doing this, you'll get lonely. And you won't even know that, you know, and you won't have the tools to go and meet other people.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

So, what kind of things happen inside men's groups that you don't like?

SPEAKER_02 27:04

That I don't like, no. So far, we didn't have any problems with bullies, etc. So that's a good thing. Uh, you know, one part that I don't like is the online thing. We have to do some things online because you know this is how the world is today, but you don't get to really feel how the other person is doing when he's across the screen. So this is something that I'm missing actually, and this is why I'm trying to have some real life interactions as well in my day. So this is something I would say that I don't like.

SPEAKER_01 27:43

That's really good. How do you change those interactions to kind of keep the the human part going? How do you how do you practically do that in your life? We can have those uh face-to-face in-person interactions. How do you how do you how do you create those?

SPEAKER_02 27:58

For for the people that uh even at work that I can meet in person, I'm trying to to have a a real date, you know. They they come here or we are meeting somewhere. And you know, I have a lot of uh hobbies that I do that they are social. I mean, I'm doing sailing and I'm doing diving and I'm doing them with groups. So diving, yeah, I'm doing free diving actually. I'm taking one breath and diving in the water. That's another part of what I do. But you know, I'm doing this with other people. We are in the same uh room or the same space for a couple of hours. So, you know, even when you are not saying anything, you can still feel the energy of other people, or someone you know, even the days that I might not feel well, someone might see me and come around and ask me, okay, hey Step, how are you doing today? So you are enforced to go into uh a discussion that I wouldn't have to have when if I was alone at home, so that's helpful.

Helping Skeptics Start The Inner Work

SPEAKER_01 29:06

No, yeah, just a couple more questions and we're out of here. Thank you for this conversation. This is fantastic. When you meet somebody who is maybe skeptical of coaching, they're skeptical of having to trust somebody with the innermost stuff. How do you help them deal with the I guess I guess I guess you describe it as doing the inner work? How do you how do you help them with that when they have that kind of skepticism? What do you do?

SPEAKER_02 29:38

You know, this is a hard situation because I've learned that you can't enforce anything. The other person needs to be in a place ready to accept some kind of help. And I had uh this discussion exactly with uh someone who was about to join the men's groups, but he told me that okay, I'm not right now in the space to open up to other people, so I'm not ready yet. And my answer was, okay, I'm with you on that. I've been there, and the only thing that you might want to try right now is you know, not come to the group, but start sharing some parts of your life, minor parts, not important details, not the things that burn you up from inside, but you know, minor details of your life, like what you like for lunch or where you went for school, with people you don't you haven't discussed those things yet so far. So try to have some kind of exposure every day with minor things to build some resilience in speaking up for yourself and to build this social muscle for yourself because you'll never get ready with a snap like that. So, this is what I would what I told him and what I would say to anyone. But this has uh you know, the other person needs to be in some kind of struggle and pain ready to to hear to this advice because most of us you know we are good at taking the pain and we're not taking any advice.

Favorite Greek Food And Closing

SPEAKER_01 31:16

Love it, fantastic stuff, new brother. Thank you for being here and sharing some of your life. I loved hearing about the men's culture and I love it, it gets me excited because we need that stuff so much, and you're doing it across the world, man. So definitely proud of you, man. Definitely want to stay in contact with you and support you, it helps support each other. Because I believe that we're doing something important for men. There's a bad perception of us in the in the world and through the media and stuff, and but just so many men that are husbands, fathers, the brothers, and sons that really care about being the best man that they can be. And the kind of work that we're talking about doing is a big part of that. So I definitely want us supporting each other and definitely want us to uh stay encouraging each other. It's really important. Final question I want to ask you, and I get you out of here to back to the rest of your day. Hands down, favorite Greek food.

SPEAKER_02 32:12

So we picked one, only it's musaka, you know. It's musaka.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

I I I heard of it. Very, very good, man.

SPEAKER_02 32:25

It has you know this umami taste, that that seventh taste that we didn't know about some years uh ago. It's umami, and it has this kind of taste.

SPEAKER_01 32:35

Yeah, how often you get a chance to have that?

SPEAKER_02 32:38

Uh maybe once once per month because it's it's too fast.

SPEAKER_01 32:47

You can't you can't you can't dive eating that stuff, huh? So who makes it for you?

SPEAKER_02 32:52

Uh, you know, my girlfriend is is uh making very good musaka, and my brother also is he's working uh uh as a cook, so he's also preparing a very good dish.

SPEAKER_01 33:06

I mean it's a lot going on in that musaka. I'm a I'm a former chef. I didn't uh I didn't make that somebody don't think about that made it in curlers for just I know generally it has eggplant in it, ground beef, garlic, eggs, butter, tomatoes, a lot going on. So I can tell that maybe it's a little bit too fat then, but but it's it's uh looks like it's a really beautiful dish. But thank you for jumping in here, brother. Good to have you here, man. This is you you do a lot of things with men's coach, live coaching. I mean, you've you're still in the science and research game. Stephanos here with us. Thank you for the time here for joining our show, man. Appreciate you so much.

SPEAKER_02 33:49

Thank you, thank you very much.

SPEAKER_01 33:51

If you guys are watching, listen for the very first time. Thanks again for making us part of your week. We are live on YouTube and Facebook right now. So if you drop any comments in there, I believe that uh between Stefanos and myself, we catch those comments, answer any questions you may have that you didn't get a chance to answer on the show today live. And we'll have this episode up on all of our listening platforms on April the 14th, promptly, about eight in the morning on April the 14th. Thanks again for watching and listening to one on one with Mr. You. That's Stefanos. I'm Mr. U. We're out here, have a great day. Thank you so much.