Sure, Jan!
Sure, Jan!
Tippy Toes and Reality TV: Finding Joy After a Dark Year
After a year-long hiatus that tested her spirit, Janice makes a vulnerable return to the Sure Jan Podcast with raw honesty about her journey through job loss, depression, and the crushing weight of imposter syndrome. What began as a professional setback spiraled into an emotional struggle that left her questioning her worth and purpose – a deeply human experience many of us can relate to when life suddenly veers off course.
In this comeback episode, Janice doesn't just scratch the surface; she dives deep into the complicated emotions of rejection both professionally and romantically. From hiding her unemployment from friends out of shame to navigating the awkward aftermath of casual hookups (including the hilariously mortifying story behind her new nickname for a recurring character: "Tippy Toes"), her authenticity shines through every confession.
The heart of this episode explores the paralyzing fear of rejection that shapes our dating experiences. Janice brilliantly articulates the internal dialogue that keeps her from approaching attractive men at bars, while also examining the added complexities of dating as a Black woman. Her reflections on wanting to experience her "soft girl era" – finding someone who allows her vulnerability instead of requiring constant strength – resonates powerfully against the backdrop of society's expectations.
Perhaps most surprisingly, Janice shares how finding hope came from an unexpected source: her first parasocial relationship with a Love Island USA couple. Seeing authentic representation of a Black woman being genuinely cherished gave her a template for the love she deserves, proving that inspiration can find us in the most unexpected places when we're rebuilding ourselves.
Whether you're navigating your own comeback story, struggling with dating insecurities, or simply seeking authentic conversation about the messier parts of life, this episode reminds us that our most challenging seasons often lead to our greatest growth. Join Janice as she reclaims her voice and invites you to reconnect on this journey through dating, pop culture, and the beautiful chaos of being human in your thirties.
The clip I was referring too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcdinPapMZw --Soul Ties Kiss
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Rex86hix2M- WWHL appearance appreciation of her man and this clip had me bawling lol
xo
Jan
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xoxo Jan
Welcome to Sure Jan Podcast. I'm your host, janice M. We'll be talking about dating, sex relationships and a little bit of self-help, all while breaking down pop culture moments that hit a little too close to home. Because, let's be real, dating in your 30s it's a whole thing. So grab a drink, get comfy and let's get into it. You're listening to the Sheridan Podcast. Hey y'all, welcome back to the Sheridan Podcast. I'm your host, janice M, and, wow, it feels so good to say that again.
Speaker 1:It's been a year, a wild, emotional, low-key, soul-searching kind of year. I lost my job, I battled some heavy imposter syndrome and, honestly, I stopped recognizing myself for a while. I didn't feel confident, I didn't feel inspired and, yeah, I definitely feel like I didn't have anything to say. And y'all know me, I hate to bring an episode with no depth. I've said it many times on this podcast. It's just been so tough for me, especially like losing my job, like I definitely like the heavy imposter syndrome was like playing really heavy with, like how everything was panning out, and then I like like low key, definitely was depressed. Um, I was out of a job for like eight months, um, and every time I was like I'm going to get back into podcasting because I miss it so much and I never knew how much like I missed it and loved it and I just could not get myself to come back to this mic. Like, with everything I did, nothing could have prepared me, like nothing could just like push me to go to this mic. Um, I will say I, I am employed. Um, I actually really do love my job. I've been working there for almost six months now. Honestly, it was just I don't know, I'm not, like I wouldn't say I'm super religious. I would say I'm very, I'm a very spiritual person, like I believe in what I believe in and I will say like, yeah, like prayers, a lot of like soul searching was happening, um, during this period of time. Um, so, yeah, you guys definitely didn't hear from me. Um, I haven't really been posting, like on my social media. I just have been like really off the grid. I've been trying to surround myself with great positive people. I've had friendships that I've had to let go, friendships that have just kind of run their course. So it's just been a lot.
Speaker 1:I just feel like I just have been going through a lot this past year, past year, um, and I just feel that I'm in such a better place than I was a year ago, or even I would even say eight months ago, nine months ago, um, I just was faking it till I make it. You know those commercials that like people are having like when people are depressed and like. You know those commercials that like people are having like when people are depressed and like they're holding up that smiley sign? Yeah, that literally was me and I was heavily like, if you would ask my like a lot of my friends didn't know I wasn't working for like a long time. I hid that like I was super ashamed. It was like a lot of stuff I was going through like emotionally, mentally, and it just was taking a toll on me physically. So I just needed to take a big fucking step back, to be honest, and I just feel like I'm in such a great space. I feel like I'm in a weird space where I feel like the shoe's about to drop, like something's about to happen. I'm you know what I mean like something's too good to be true. I just kind of feel like I'm in that space just because I've been in such good spirits, um, and just like the people I'm now surrounding myself with are just such great people that, yeah, I'm, it's just, it's been a minute, but your girl's back. Um, I have a lot to talk about. Things did happen within the year, um, dating wise, so I definitely want to get into that. Um, yeah, so much shit that we need to talk about and I'm so ready for it. Before I like continue to like get into the episode, I did want to give an nostalgic feeling of how I used to start my episodes, because I really didn't start it that way this time around, because I feel like it's been a minute and I feel like I needed to kind of get into that first before I got into my beginning, my intro.
Speaker 1:But, hello everybody. I hope everyone is having an amazing day, amazing week and if you aren't, I am sending you positive, positive vibes. I hope everybody has been great. I can't wait to catch up. I'm going to leave all my socials in. Let's connect again.
Speaker 1:I just feel like I'm reconnecting with my old like, my like far distant friend. So I want a distant friend. I don't know why I just said far distant. That was so fucking stupid of me, but anyways, I missed you guys. I'm so excited to be back. Um, I am fully back now. Uh, there's no like weird. Um, yeah, I'm back and then I'm gone for like three months and then I'm back again and then I'm like gone for like four months. I feel like I'm like a fucking broken record here. Um, it's just, it's been a fucking lot. I'm not gonna lie to y'all. It's been a fucking lot.
Speaker 1:Like I said, um and your girl had to come to the realization that she was depressed. I didn't realize it. I feel like I've had conversations with a couple of my friends where I've like openly told them like where my head was at and that was a lot for me to even say out loud, and you know it was. It just was everything. Like I felt I felt a lot of rejection. I felt like, you know, I felt rejection from the job that I got let go from um because I was like laid off. And then there was um, just like dating wasn't like do I like I had no desire to, like want to date anybody, and then I was like entertaining like old things that I should have not been entertaining, that I'm gonna tell you guys all all about Um and like. My friends know this, cause I've told this story to them a bajillion times but you guys have never heard the story. Um. I have a guy that I've already mentioned on the pod before, um. He has a new nickname, um. It is called tippy toes. I will explain why that is his name Um later on in the episode.
Speaker 1:Cause I I'm going to kind of get into like we're going to kind of play a little bit of a catch up and you know we're going to talk about rejection. I kind of want to like break down how episodes are going to go, kind of like moving forward. I want to like change up the pot a little bit. This is like a lot of stuff. Like I would say the past like three months I've been really like digging deep onto like what I wanted the pod to be right, like I liked the basis of what the podcast was um, talking as a single 30 year old explaining like you know how my dating life is, talking about things like in the dating world, which is everything we're still going to talk about.
Speaker 1:Um, I'm such a pop culture girly. I feel like I've thrown little crumbs in certain episodes, but like I kind of want to like embrace that in the on the show. Um, I want to um embrace that like all of the date, because I'm such a reality TV junkie I love reality TV shows, dating shows. Yes, my current obsession right now is Love Island, us. Nick and Alandria. Alandria and Nick, nickalandria I'm all for it, if you know. You know. Anyways, nickalandria, stan, stand stand up. Uh, I'm getting too into it. I'm so like. Also, this is like the weirdest thing ever. I've never had a like parasocial relationship ever, like with like a celebrity couple. I wouldn't even say they're a celebrity couple because they were just on a reality TV show and they weren't like, they weren't really big before they started the show, and then now they're like this huge couple. We're going to get into them too.
Speaker 1:I have a lot I want to talk about, and then, you know, we're still going to like talk about self-help, because I'm all about that and kind of like what got me out of the funk that I was in and we about that, and kind of like what got me out of the funk that I was in and we can just talk about that. I want to like mention, I want to mention it all. Like um, quoting fucking Bethany Frankel, if you watch Bravo, um, I'm gonna mention it all. Mention everything. Like we're gonna talk about everything. I just want it to just be, um, a little bit of it was, but definitely a lot of new stuff, and I just want to just make it more authentically me a little bit more than what I was making it before.
Speaker 1:I feel like I talk about reality TV so much and I feel like I talk about a lot of like pop culture stuff and how it relates to like the dating world right now, and I feel like I talk about a lot of like pop culture stuff and how it relates to like the dating world right now and I'm just like I've never like you guys don't know that part about me and I was just like that is something I always talk about, so why not bring it onto the podcast? You know, this is the forum that I would like to have moving forward and yeah, so I just kind of wanted to talk to you guys about, like, how the show is going to go. I would like to have moving forward and yeah, so I just kind of wanted to talk to you guys about, like, how the show is going to go. Um, I would love to start bringing my friends on the show. I've talked to them within these past couple of months about possibly being guests.
Speaker 1:Um, I tried this, I would say, in the beginning of the pod I was doing like kind of like street interviews and I like I think I'd posted like one video. I went to like um, kind of like an open bar happy hour for um, a sports company that I still work for part time and um, yeah, I did something like that before and I don't know, I didn't. I didn't feel like I was as confident in it because I wasn't, like I said, suffer with heavy imposter syndrome like super duper heavy imposter syndrome and yeah. So that's kind of, really, I was like in that space and I feel like I'm in such a better confident, confident in like being able to like do this podcast and be like confident in myself and doing this podcast, not so much like confident in other things. We're working. We're working fucking progress. Um, yeah, we're just, we are going to do this. Um, we are going to do this.
Speaker 1:If you are a new listener, welcome, disregard the craziness in the beginning, but welcome. And if you're an old listener, welcome back. I missed you and I can't wait to chit-chat and catch up. So, once again, welcome to Shirt Jan Podcast. So I kind of want to get into something real, obviously very personal, that I've been recently dealing with and hopefully this is relatable. So if you've ever put yourself out there, swiped the right, sent the first message, confessed your feelings, only to be met with silence or polite thanks but no thanks, you know the sting of like being rejected, feeling rejected, um, just, you know, I don't know like I feel being rejected is such like you failed, you didn't do the right thing, that's why it didn't go through.
Speaker 1:I kind of feel, like you know how I've tried to navigate that journey, like throughout the time that we've talked last, and I kind of want to, you know, kind of want to put all the stuff you know with life, you know jobs, dating, just everything in that sense and, um, and I kind of want to talk about, like you know we're going to get into, like I said, I'm going to. I want to do something completely different this time and just include a lot of stuff, um, that you know that more resonate with me and just more. Yeah, just resonates with me more. And then just, I don't know, just a new way to, you know, for us to kind of get to know each other in a sense Um, but yeah, um, like I said, um, in the beginning, I got laid off from my job of three years. I remember I think I was kind of talking to you guys when I first got it.
Speaker 1:I think like it was kind of around this time when I was transitioning from my other job to the job that I just recently was laid off from and, yeah, it just a lot has happened and that place, honestly like I'm not going to lie whatever like it was not a great environment. The environment and the job that I have now, which I absolutely love, and just the dynamic and the stuff that I thought I was getting at this job was just, you know, light years. It was just like nothing. There was just like not a comparison. It really wasn't Like. It was just like nothing. There was just like not a comparison. It really wasn't like um, I'm really happy where I'm at.
Speaker 1:Um, sometimes I'm just kind of like I'm waiting for like the ball to drop. I, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like that in my mind. I'm like I'm waiting for the ball to drop, cause I'm like this place is so like it's too good to be true, like the people that I work with are like amazing people. Um, I even have a great relationship with my boss and, like, compared to the last situation where I was, um, I had like a really bad situation um with my boss, like prior to me being laid off, and I always, um never felt comfortable around her. Um, she made me feel very uncomfortable once when I was um having a? Um, okay, I'll like I don't actually give a fuck because I don't work there anymore, so I don't really care to share this story.
Speaker 1:Um, I like it was just one day, um, I was like at work and I don't know if I kind of forgot when I was supposed to get my period, but, um, this specific day I fucking forgot and went to the bathroom, realized I bled through my pants, um, because I was not prepared. Um, and, mind you, I'm like 34 or 33, I think I was 34 at the time and, yeah, last year, yeah, this happened last year um, and she, like I went up to her and I was like asking her. I was like I so I had a supervisor and he was like, um, he was a male and then, um, my actual like big boss was a female and so I felt super uncomfortable to kind of talk to like my male, like supervisor manager. So I went and spoke to my female manager and I like kind of explained to her what happened and I asked her if I can just kind of go home and work from home Because like, mind you, I'm mortified, I'm embarrassed and like, even when I told her, I said it in like a really like really whisper tone, because I was just mortified and embarrassed, and her reaction to me was you know, janice, like this is like the second time that you've asked to like leave work.
Speaker 1:Before it was like your time to go, whatever, before it was like time for you to clock out and, um, you know, and just this kind of looking at me and I'm just like I'm standing there in shock because I one I could not believe this like she said that I'm like as a woman, like you're making me feel ashamed of, I just like had no words. Even in this moment, right now, I'm like I can't even find the words to like what. I can't even like put together what I was, what I was feeling in that moment. I just was. I was mortified, I was embarrassed, I was shocked, I was angry that she like reacted this way to me and made me feel like not great about myself in that moment. And you know, for for me, like I don't know, I was just I didn't know what to say.
Speaker 1:And then I my first reaction was, I mean, I think there was like an H&M like down the street or something like. Where we were like there was like a couple shops and I was like I can go there to get new pants. And then she was like, oh, okay. And then I was like sitting there and I was thinking I was like the other time I left early and I had asked her to leave early my mom was rushed to the emergency room. So I'm like wow, you really are. Like you're not a nice person, you're not a good person. Like to, not a good person like to me, like that, right, there was just like wow.
Speaker 1:And then, ever since then it just was like I felt very weird, like even calling out sick, I felt uncomfortable. Like I would go to work, like even if I felt like shit, like I would go to work. And then like I felt like once she saw like how bad I looked and she gave me the okay to leave, like then I would feel like I was like, okay, like she saw me, she knows like I'm actually sick and she's not going to question me. I mean, like I just felt like I had like she was going to question if I needed to, like, you know, if I was sick or I was not. Like I was faking it and I'm like I'm a adult, I'm a grown ass woman. I don't need to like do that. Like it's very idiotic, like it was just like the her thought process I didn't really understand. And then also, I'm like, as a woman, for you to make me feel like shameful of something that you've experienced and you have kids yourself, you know, like it's just, it's crazy. It was like crazy. And then to think like no bullshit.
Speaker 1:Like the first year that I worked there, we had this like gathering where we like all the all, like the places that, um, we had, like we had departments in like, uh, chicago and like all these other places and, um, and it was like a big gathering for all of us to like, kind of like see each other meet the other teams and all that stuff, and it was. I remember I was like I had drinks and I was having a good time and I remember I was like with her and, honestly, like that lady, like I don't even know what, I don't know what the term of if somebody can tell me what this is like the term of like love bombing, but in a workplace, like they make you feel like, oh my God, you're the best thing in the world, we're so happy to have you like, make you feel so much love in the beginning, and then, in the blink of a fucking like, it was just like, it's just like I blinked and then this situation happened and I was like, oh my God, to think I said how much I appreciated you as a boss and how you were so nice and how, like all these things. And then, yeah, so that's why I feel like in this new job, that's why, like I, I mean, I feel like I have PTSD, um, and that's why I feel like I'm waiting for, like the shoe to drop or something. I don't know, it's just a lot. So I just, you know that whole situation, even getting laid off, it was like I, you know, I felt like a of like huge, huge, huge feel of rejection and it was hard.
Speaker 1:It was like I hid it from my friends, like I didn't tell anybody, like like the like really, really, really close people. I told like right away, um, like my best friend in LA. I like I told her right away, um like my best friend here. Like I told her right away, um, like my best friend here. Like I told him right, like I just like I told them like super fast um, because I just, you know, like I trusted them um with that information and I just wasn't ready to like kind of share that information with everybody. It took a while before I told anybody. And yeah, I don't know I was. I felt very rejected, I felt embarrassed. Um, yeah, it was a lot um like was depressed for a bit. Um, it was really hard to just like navigate. Um, I don't know, it was just really hard to navigate.
Speaker 1:During that time. I just was dealing with a lot. I had bills to pay. I ended up, um, I think I did DoorDash, I did Instacart, just to make money. Um, I worked my part-time job, but obviously, you know, I have like part-time job. I can't really work that like full, like just the way it works. That it's not like a type of situation where it's like full-time and it was just like part and I'm not making that much money like that I would be making, like, obviously, um, unemployment like ran its course, uh, where I wasn't getting anything but like unemployment's like not a lot, it's just like. I think it's like what, like one-fourth of your check or some shit like that, I don't, I don't, I don't know how to do math and don't quote me on what I'm saying on that part of percentage and all that stuff.
Speaker 1:Um, but yeah, it was tough, um, and then I was like I hated the, I hated doing DoorDash, I hated doing Instacart. Um, well, the money was like doing what it needed to do in the moment, because I had to do it all the time. Like I went from working five days a week, having my weekends off, to, like you know, working six days a week, seven days a week, and I'd be out there for like hours and you know, just to kind of make enough money. It was just, it was a lot um, and then I slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly started feeling, you know, I was just like, oh, like I would just like sleep in and I was isolating myself, which is like not really me.
Speaker 1:Um, I do like to compose, like decompress and do that. I like to. You know, I do like my alone time. I like I do like to be by myself, um, but, um, I do like my own company.
Speaker 1:Um, I should say but, um, yeah, it was a really weird time for me, um, and rough. It was really rough, it was hard. I still kind of like I'm still like navigating like from that time, like in this moment. Like I said, I feel so like like that time, like in this moment, like I said, I feel so like like the shoes about to drop, just because I was just in such a not great space. Then I was like in such a really bad head space, yeah, and I kept how I was feeling to myself and it was just like it was hard because, like, I just felt like when I would talk to people about it, I would just get like this look of pity and for people, like when people look at you with pity, I and it's and like also like family too, it's, it's a really hard pill to swallow. It's really hard to see that. It's really hard to see that. It's really hard to experience it. It was tough. So, yeah, your girl was going through it not to just kind of really really like fully get into it and kind of like sidetrack and shit. But yeah, I was really going through it.
Speaker 1:So doing this was something I really loved and I was not in a great headspace. I was just like how the fuck can I talk about dating and you know, like funny and whatever can laugh at myself, type of shit if I'm not in like the best headspace? Now, did I get some dick with while I was still in the space? Yeah, I did, and I'm going to tell you guys a story about that in this episode. So this isn't going to be like, oh, I'll tell you guys about it later. No, you guys will find out about it. You know I will not keep that from y'all. But yeah, like I just I just felt like I couldn't really like do this and having a podcast is a another job. Like it, having a podcast is another job. It was another job. It can kind of run into being a full-time job and it's a lot of hours, a lot of time that I need to put into it and it's just like if I'm not in the right headspace, I can't put my all into it. So that's kind of like really rare. I was at Um, but yeah, uh, kind of steering off from that. Um dating wise cause. Hey, uh, this is a dating podcast, so that's what we're going to talk about.
Speaker 1:Um, dating has been like weird. Uh, I got back on the apps. It's just like I feel like it's like a never ending story with the apps. I'm trying to get myself out there. I, um was talking to, uh, my friend Akilah and we were having a conversation about, you know, us trying to really put ourselves out there and like how the apps like fucking are awful. I mean they're awful for me. Like I mean some people like really have great luck and others just don't like me. I just don't have great luck. Like the guys that I've found on the apps that I've talked to, that I went on dates with, that I've hooked up with that, you know, I've exchanged messages with whatever. Just, it's never panned out. Obviously I'm still single.
Speaker 1:Like some of those situations like became situationships and then that was a whole thing, became situationships and then that was a whole thing. Um, mr vanilla, even though, like I knew him when I was younger, we like reconnected through the apps and you guys already know how that whole thing happened. Um, if you're new here, um, I talk about love bombing. Um, I, I talk about Mr Vanilla a lot. That's who he is, if you need a reference to or a reminder of who that person is. Um, yeah, he wasn't a great person. He was like a whirlwind of chaos in my life and I, yeah, very happy that that whole situation is done. But, yeah, is done. But yeah, um, I, oh, my God, I want to tell you guys about this.
Speaker 1:Like, really, I was having this thought and I was like you know the demograph, like the age demographic of what I've been dating. I'm like you know I've tried to date guys like around my age, maybe like within their thirties and, like you know, close to tried to date guys like around my age, maybe like within their 30s and, like you know, close to 40. Like, I've been kind of hitting that age range, right, like I'm just like I don't want to really date somebody in their 20s, whatever. But then I was like, why am I stopping that? 28, 29, and has the maturity and is what I'm looking for, is ready to treat me the way that I, you know, want to be treated by somebody and vice versa. You know what I mean. Like that kind of shit.
Speaker 1:So I was like, all right, I'm gonna give it a go, like be open to it. Uh, it was cool, cause, like we were messaging on the app, we got off the apps, like exchange numbers, um. And then like he was like can I call you one of these days? And like, to be honest, like I'm such a texter, I'm also an awful texter. Like I really like I think I'm a little delulue and I think I'm a great texter. I'm an awful fucking texter. Like I will be in the middle of doing something and I feel like I'm undiagnosed and I have ADHD or something. Like I, yeah, um, but I can, like I'm just not a good texter. I just think I am, but I'm not. Um, I'll be doing something.
Speaker 1:Look at a text like I was saying, and I'll be like oh, like I'll get back to that person completely fucking forget, like do what I was doing, completely fucking forget, and then be like oh shit, like it's been an hour or two hours later and I fucking forgot to text this person. Like oops, my bad. Like I'm an awful texter. Like you can ask like my sister, like she will text me. Like this morning I think she texted me at like 10 am. I didn't get back to her until like 2 and like I saw the text at 10 am but I like I was in the middle doing something at work and then I completely got sidetracked and I was like, oh fuck, I forgot to text her back.
Speaker 1:Um, but yeah, yeah, so it was just kind of like um all over the place, but he was texting me and then, like had asked to call me and like I normally like when I'm talking to a guy, it's normally we just directly text and then like plan to meet and then like really when I get to hear his voice is like really on the first date, like, and I actually like that I don't know, I feel like the older I've got, the more I've appreciated like an actual phone call. The older I've got, the more I've appreciated like an actual phone call. Like I actually feel like it's um, it's a lot personal and I just I like you know, obviously you can hear the person's voice and like when you're talking like there's no miss um of like tone, like you can't like misunderstand their tone because like obviously if you're talking to somebody can like hit a tone in their voice, so like you can kind of like feel it out in that sense instead of, like, when you're through text, like sometimes, like some people will text something and I'm like, are they meaning this in like such a shitty way? Are they meaning this in a like good way or in a bad, whatever? Um, but anyways, um, we talked, I really liked it. Um.
Speaker 1:So in Massachusetts at the time, um, the Karen retrial look it up, amazing, I was so into that case like I was so like that was my other job. I was like fucking watching it. Um, I was so fortunate that, like my boss is just as obsessed with it, so like we'd talk all the time about the case. I'd watch the trial while I was at, like I would be watching it like, um, at my desk, I'd put like a little tiny box in the corner of my computer and I would be listening to it and then, like looking over when I needed to, but, like you know, multitasking, um, um, trying to multitask, cause sometimes I would be like watching it and then I'm like, oh shit, I forgot, I'm literally in the middle of working, like it's the middle of the workday.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, so he called me and he was like we were talking and I was like kind of telling him about it and I don't know. I felt I felt really giddy. I was like excited because this man literally let me rant for 45 minutes about this trial that he never heard of. And honestly, when he told me he never heard of this Karen retrial, that and he's from Massachusetts and it's like one of the biggest cases that is here, I should have already like kind of like my antenna should have already gone up and I know how crazy that fucking sounds. But like honestly, like I was like, oh okay, so you're not like kind of aware of like what's happening in the world, like the you know, like I wouldn't say like pop culture, but like kind of like what's going on. So I just kind of thought that was weird. But whatever, um, it was very weird that he didn't know about it, but I thought it was so sweet in the moment that he like listened to me rant about it and like really was listening to me, like was like repeating things that I said like verbatim, like back to me and asking me questions about things, and I think I got so flustered I started like fucking up the story and I was like how do I fuck up something that I like know like the back of my hand type of thing, like it was just like I was so flustered and I was like, oh my God, like I was like, wow, like this was interesting.
Speaker 1:And, mind you, this man is like this man was 27. He is 27. Why am I saying was like this man died? Um, I well, well, I don't know, but god forbid, uh, knock on wood. Um, and like when we were talking, it was it was cool, like I enjoyed it. And he was like really into soccer. I know shit about soccer. But like I was like really engaged in what he was saying, like I was really really into this dude.
Speaker 1:Um, and we were like planning to meet and going on a date, whatever, and he was like planning this day for me. And he was like, oh, I, just, I, he's just. He was so nervous to plan this date and thought that I wasn't going to enjoy it or whatever. And like I kind of got a hint. So I thought he was. He was kind of taking me on a similar date, but the place I thought he was taking me to wasn't. It was another place which I don't know. I don't really that place is all right. Um, but we were planning this date. So him and I would text every single day, um, and like couple times throughout the day, like we check in, talk. It was nice. It was, like you know, I was enjoying the giddy feeling of like texting somebody like continuously. It was like it was, oh my God, it was great.
Speaker 1:And when we were talking about this date that he was planning, he kind of didn't want to tell me where we were going. He wanted it to be a surprise. And that intrigued me too, because I was like, oh, that's like really cool. Like he wants to surprise me, he's planning this date. I'm like oh, that's like really cool. Like he wants to surprise me, he's planning this date. I'm like, oh my god, like I don't know. I was I was so giddy guys, like I was. I was like, wow, maybe, like maybe this is gonna be like my summer, like maybe this is gonna happen for real, like maybe, like giving this guy a chance was like you know, um, and so we were planning, I was coaching Um, I was coaching on. It was like a Saturday. We were planning to hang out on a Saturday and I was coaching earlier in the day and I told him I was like hey, I'm coaching Um, and then I can like meet you up.
Speaker 1:After I think we met up, we were supposed to meet up around like four or five o'clock or whatever time it was, and it was like raining and um, I got a text from him and, mind you, I was coaching, so, like, I was like when I had to go to my phone, I, you know, I Checked and, you know, went back and forth, whatever. And then I like saw a text and saying like, hey, like it's supposed to be raining today, like can we rain check? And I was like in my mind, I'm like, are we doing something outside? I think I asked him that like, I think after my practice I texted him back and I was like, are we doing something outside? Like, and he was like no, it's inside.
Speaker 1:And then I was just, I was super confused and I'm like, okay, so you're canceling a date because it's raining. And I'm like this dude's feeding me. Bullshit. Like this is such bullshit. This man is feeding me right now. Like what the fuck are you talking about? Like, are you that much of a little bitch that you're afraid of water? Like hitting your body? I don't. I'm like I'm confused by a fucking like umbrella, a rain jacket, a raincoat dude. Like I'm very confused because he was like, oh, I'm gonna get on the train and then I'm gonna have to. I'm like I was so confused. I'm like I'm like okay, like I'm very Confucius, like what the fuck is going on right now? Like what are you talking about? And so like we were kind of I think we were voice noting back and forth. This is like kind of really what pissed me off.
Speaker 1:So, uh, we met on Bumble and on my Bumble profile I say like, um, I say if we don't meet within like the first, like two weeks of us talking, like I'm not going to waste my time. Like I just feel like that's just such a waste. Like I feel like if you're matching with me, we should be talking, we should be connecting, like that's what this is about. So like that needs to happen. Um, and that's kind of I've been like kind of on that kick and I fully stand by that. I feel like if you and I are swiping right like I don't want to talk to you and be your fucking pen pal for like weeks on, weeks before I ever meet you or see you or whatever, like it's just stupid. I like I hate that. I'm just like. I'd rather just kind of feel you out, get to know, you see, if I like think that we have like chemistry or anything like that, and then go from there.
Speaker 1:That's kind of like where my headset is, like my mindset was at my headset, like my mindset was at and um, and so he, like kind of voice, noted me and he told me like try to throw me saying that in my face and he's like well, if we reschedule, it's going to be past your two week mark, and like all this bullshit that he was saying to me. And I'm just sitting there like listening to this voice and I'm getting annoyed and I'm like not him throwing what I said on my page, like my profile, not him throwing that back in my face, not him trying to break a date because it's fucking raining outside, not him just like. And also like, when he was explaining the date, he made it seem like I wouldn't be, like I wouldn't be into that type of date, like he tried to make me seem like I was some like literally was like saying that I was bougie, like he said I was bougie and all that stuff, and like I was like, wow, you were listening to me, but I don't really feel like you were like really understanding me.
Speaker 1:Maybe I don't know, because I'm like I'm the the furthest thing from being a bougie person. Like I'm not a bougie bitch at all, like I'm not bougie whatsoever. I'm the most laid-back, chill person, like, if you ask any of my friends, I'm not that whatsoever. I'm the cheapest person. I'm cheap as fuck. Like I will. Like I am like on food that's a little different, but on like stuff that I actually need, I'm like oh my god, do I have to really pay? Like I have to like try to justify payments in my mind. Like if I have to buy myself something new, I'm like it was a bill, so like I had to buy it. Like I'm just so cheap. I just try to wrap my mind around paying for things and I don't know.
Speaker 1:Anyways, when he said that to me, I was so insulted and I kind of said that to him and I like said it in the voice note whatever, blah, blah, blah. And, mind you, this man had added me on um, he added me on Instagram, and so after I said that, whatever, he just was acting like a bitch. I was so annoyed and then I was kind of like playing into like what he was saying and I was kind of making it like I was okay with um at one point in our conversation. I don't know, I think I got like lost in the sauce because at one point I was like okay with trying to reschedule it and then the days he had suggested I had like I couldn't do those days and then then he was just like kind of like throwing back the thing in my face about the my Bumble profile, whatever Y'all. I was like my bumble profile, whatever y'all. I was like I was all set. And then he like I don't know if he left me on red or I y'all, I don't remember, but I go on Instagram.
Speaker 1:I like I was being a little petty and I put a story and I was was like, yeah, like back to the drawing board or something like that. I said um, and he saw the story, unfriended me, and then I think that's when he left me on read. I think he saw it unfriended me, left me on read, and that was like the end of that. Um, um and I was like I was like cool, um, anyways, that whole situation was like a goddamn mess. Um, yeah, got excited, was like really into.
Speaker 1:This dude decided to just kind of like show his ass and be an asshole a little bit. And, yeah, I was, I was all set with that whole situation. Um, he just like, yeah, really rubbed me the wrong way. Um, and I don't know, I really put myself out there with him and I just kind of felt like it wasn't like I don't know. He had like a lot of like. He had a lot of shit that he was dealing with too like, and I was like is this, is this something I may be dealing with? I don't know. I think I just kind of got in my head a lot about it and, you know, I felt I don't know even like, when he was like trying to like break the date and like, and he like threw that stuff in my face and all that stuff, I was like damn, is he like? I was like, wow, like I, I, you know, I I had that like feeling of like, like I felt a little rejected and kind of felt like slighted by this dude.
Speaker 1:I was like, damn, like, like I should be, like I should be upset here. I shouldn't feel like shit and I shouldn't feel shit about myself. I'm like is it me, am I like the problem? Is it me Like I don't understand? I'm so confused Like yeah, granted, my fucking post was petty, um, but I didn't really like really say like, oh, back to the drawing board, being single or something. I didn't say shit like that, I just said back to the drawing board. That's all I fucking said Like, take that post however you want to fucking take that post, but whatever, he unfriended me. That was the end of it. I was like cool, whatever dude, like great, but that was like the last person I would say like that I was talking to, like the last person I would say like that I was talking to, um.
Speaker 1:In that sense, I guess, trying to like pursue dating like off the apps, like that was like my last apps experience, um, and yeah, so, like during this time, like you know that we've been apart time, like you know that we've been apart um. So I remember I was talking to you guys about Mo Vaughn and um and I was like kind of telling you guys about him and like our interaction and stuff and um. So I have like a recent well, not recent this um, but like that was the last time I saw. I saw him, I've spoken, I've spoken to him recently, like he literally like messaged me today, but anyways, he has a new nickname and I'm gonna tell you guys about it. And then, um, yeah, so this is like, um, this is my recent experience with Movan. Um, this is my recent experience with Movan, which is going to have a new nickname.
Speaker 1:When we, when we, when I finish the story, um, but yeah, so Movan and I, like you know, like a couple months ago, we were like texting and, um, I was I don't know what was going on with me. I, you know what, I know what was going on with me. I was horny and really kind of desperate and I'm not going to lie, I sent a thirst trap picture to move on, because I knew he was going to fucking answer me. I knew he was going to answer me. I knew he was going to fucking answer me. I knew he was going to answer me and so I messaged him because I like, honestly, like I feel like my, how I am, I'm such a, I feel like he's done a lot of stuff to me that I just like, don't not respect him. I don't want to say I don't respect him. I, I do somewhat respect him, but like I don't know just certain things about him. I just was like you're, I would never, I would never date you. Like you're, you're available for me to. You know, hook up with, and I think we are both adults, we both want that. So like I think we move from that you know hook up with, and I think we are both adults, we both want that. So like I think we move from that. You know we move as adults in that situation.
Speaker 1:Um, but I was, yeah, I was horny and very desperate and I was sending him thirst traps and he was messaging me um, back. Like I took him by surprise because, like it could be a bit, not a bit like, especially when he's like, when he's being like really sexual, like I'm like a bitch, because sometimes he's like a lot, so I have to like shut that down immediately. I was like no, no, no, no, you need to shut that down. That's too much, you're doing too much, you're doing the fucking most. So sometimes I need to like like cut him down a couple notches, cause he's doing the fucking most and it's like all right, like I'm not a whatever, like you need to respect me a little, like. You need to respect me, not even a little bit. You need to fucking respect me. So, yeah, let's not go there. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:So, like, sometimes I have to like, um, I have to like, um, I have to like, you know, kick him down a couple notches sometimes to like, bring him back to reality, because sometimes he gets in his like, his like fantasy, la la land of like you know, you know, because, like, how we are sexually like, you know, when I um just like kind of really something about me, like if I'm really I wouldn't, if I'm really into a guy or my boyfriend, whoever I'm with, I'm open to doing I am a person, I feel like I'm getting all over the place. Sorry, I realize that my love language is like acts of service and like doing things and physical like. I'm very I didn't realize how much physical touch is the thing that I really like. Like I honestly don't even like to be. I don't like when people lean on me, like whatever, but like when it's somebody that like I'm into, I'm fine with you. You know doing all that stuff. Fine with you, you know doing all that stuff. Um, but yeah, um, I've just been finding out, I've been experiencing new um, new like love, languages that I didn't know, but anyways, I am very much like I want to please my partner. I want to do things Cause that brings me like, that brings me joy and that brings me pleasure. That I'm giving you know that I'm making my partner feel good. Right, that's something that's that's for me, that's um, something that, yeah, that's that turns me on. I like that stuff, like whatever, um and and with him, because I'm comfortable. I feel like also too I also learned this about this while I'm getting like really sidetracked on this freaking story, I'm going to get back. Sorry, I told you. I told you I'm like undiagnosed here.
Speaker 1:Um, I noticed whenever I've had sex with somebody. So, whenever I've had sex with somebody, I feel like, because we're having sex and you know I'm naked while we're having sex and I'm in the most vulnerable, I'm like the most vulnerable I can be right. I feel like there's nothing. I feel like once we cross that line and I'm like comfortable, and you know cause I struggle, you know, with things with my body, like so like I don't know I feel like once I'm comfortable with you, I'm like open to like doing stuff, like I'm more open to doing sexual things, um, so, with him because, like, we've we've like had sex like a couple times. I was like I'm super open to like exploring things sexually with him. I should say so anyways, um, I think his thing is like having like having sex publicly because I don't know the risks of being caught.
Speaker 1:I don't, I don't fucking know, maybe that's the thing he tried to like. I don't know the risks of being caught, I don't, I don't fucking know, maybe that's the thing he tried to like, I don't know, like reverse psychology, like did some reverse psychology bullshit on me and was just kind of like no, you like this, I'm like bitch, I've never asked you to have sex with me ever outside in public. You have always initiated, you have always wanted to do it. I'm like, obviously, like I'm trying to get my back blown out. So I'm never.
Speaker 1:I was in that moment. I was never going to refuse. I wasn't going to be like, oh no, I don't want to do it. Like, yeah, I want to fucking get my back blown out. Yeah, I'm a horny girl, I'm not. I'm not getting big down all the time. So you know, even if it's in this type of setting, I'm gonna get it, you know.
Speaker 1:So, um, and I was like I already know what you can do, so it's not like I'm like, oh yeah, I'm gonna get a bad lay or whatever. You know what I mean. It's not like he's like the best lay, but you know it does what it needs to do, right, um and so and so with him, like we like whenever I talked to him, whatever, um, like when we first met each other, so when we like when we first met each other and like he was just kind of he was kind of courting me in the beginning and then, like when we had sex and all that stuff, um, it kind of like became just physical, like that courting kind of went away, like how it does whatever. I was fine with it being like that, because there were like things about him that I was like, yeah, we're definitely like relationship wise, like we're not compatible, like I'm not compatible with him to be like my boyfriend, like he would drive me fucking bananas and I could not be able to deal with that.
Speaker 1:So, anyways, he, he was like talking to me and at the time when he said it, I kind of thought it was like really nice, like I thought it was nice that he said that when we were talking and he was just kind of like you know, I, um, he was just kind of like, yeah, like I don't want you to think that like I don't want to like actually like hang out with you, he's like I actually do enjoy your company, I actually do like talking to you. I like I think like you're funny and like he's like I love that you laugh at my jokes, like you. Just he's like I can just be a total idiot and you just like think I'm funny or whatever. Like I, I just make you laugh and he's like it's nice to just like have that and um, and he's like you know, I don't want you to feel like I think of you in that way which was like nice when he said it and then he was just like I want us to like hang out actually Like.
Speaker 1:He's like so I actually want to get drinks with you and whatever. So he was just kind of like when I was sending that thirst trap, I was wanting him to like grab me, bring me back to his place and get my back blown out and then take my ass home, you know, and go home Not have a sleepover but go home, because I ain't trying to sleep over at that man's house, but that was my plan. And then he was like no, like I want to do the drinks. And he was so fucking adamant and I'm like, all right, I'm not going to get dick if I don't Like I'm not going to get it. I have to get drinks with this dude, like whatever. And it was late too. It was super fucking late and I'm like nothing is open right now. And he was like I know a place, which you know him, so I was like open to it. I was like, okay, whatever, um, and he like gets me, he brings me to this bar, literally there at last call when we walk in, I'm telling you it was late as fuck.
Speaker 1:And we get a drink and, um, we start, we're like in Boston, like thearf area, if you don't know. In. It's like a kind of um, it's near the water, it's like kind of where a lot of boats dock. It's like really nice. A lot of restaurants are over there. It's really nice area. Um, it's like seaport. It's called seaport, it's in the seaport area, I should say. And, um, it's really nice.
Speaker 1:And um, him and I were like he, like we went back after we had the drink, we went to his car and he was just like, oh, like let's drive like near the wharf and like if we can like walk around and stuff and like talk. And I was like okay, like that's cool, like he's like we can hang out, and I was like, oh, this, like night is like actually not turning out as bad as I thought it was gonna. Like I was actually like intrigued and open to the night and so then like we're, we're walking and like we're walking around whatever, and, um, I feel like he holds my hand, but like I don't. To be honest, I don't remember he could have not been holding my hand. I't fucking remember.
Speaker 1:Um, but all of a sudden this motherfucker goes hey, do you want to? Like you know over there? And I was like what the fuck, mind you? We're, we are outside in public at this place. Like it was late, like there was no one around, but it was like I like there were like homeless people around and like random people that were just walking the streets of you know Boston, like it was just.
Speaker 1:I was like what the fuck is going on? I was like no, and then I thought we were going back, I thought we were getting drinks. Going back to his place, like this is what I thought in my mind was happening. And then he was just like really adamant about us having sex outside. And then I told you, reverse psychology, try to make me think that I'm the one that's like really into it, like I always wanted. And I'm like no, dude, I don't, I just do it because you want to.
Speaker 1:We actually recently spoke about that and I was like, yeah, when you try to like reverse psychology, trying to make me like think that I'm the one that's into this shit, when you've always been the one to initiate it, and he like had to admit it like recently. I was like vindicated recently, but anyways, um, so there is a um, so, anyways, we get back in his car and he starts driving and so I'm like all right, we are not going back to this man's house, we are. I guess I'm fucking this man in public. Um, I guess we're doing this. This is happening, um, so I end up, uh, I end up don't like we end up going to this pond. There's this pond near my place and it's like a duck pond. I take my dog around it. Sometimes I walk around it, sometimes just to clear my head, or like I'll walk around and smoke a joint or something like that, and it's just, it's really nice. It's like a really peaceful place and I knew no one was going to be there or whatever. I've taken other people there before.
Speaker 1:This is not my first time on this rodeo, if you know what I mean, if you know what I'm saying. So he was like we were like walking in this area and he's just like kind of being like all touchy, kissing, grabbing me, doing all that shit, like really, you know, trying to get the ball rolling. You know, kissing, grabbing me, doing all that shit, like really, you know, trying to get the ball rolling, you know. So we end up getting near these like steps and he's just like yeah, no, like we have to, like. He's like like I want you right now, like I was like all right, like let's do this. So we're literally, you know, we're making out.
Speaker 1:I think I had a dress on. I think I had a dress on. No, I didn't, I had leggings on. I had a long shirt, but I had leggings on and uh, yeah. So those leggings were now around my ankles, um and um, we're having sex and like it's okay this time. I don't know, it was like something about that.
Speaker 1:Last time I was just like, eh, I was like all right, whatever, like then it started feeling good and then y'all, I turn around just to kind of, you know, get a little peek of like what he's looking like. You know, do that little like look over your shoulder thing. And I just happened to just just the position that I was in, like um, cause, like my hands were on the steps and cause we were like near these steps or whatever, and my hands were on the steps, whatever. And I just like happened to glance. Um, I just had happened to glance over and he had like these white air forces on and I just looked over and I see his like foot in a sock, lifted out of these air forces, Like this man is on his tippy toes and I was like, oh my God.
Speaker 1:Immediately I got the ick. I was like, oh my God, I need him to stop. I need him to stop. Like why are you in your what's happening right now? And it's like he's taller than me. I'm not like it was weird. It was so weird. I was very confused. When I've told other people this story. They were like, like, we're like how was the the area that you were in? Maybe that's why he was. I was like no, there was like no reason for this. Like I was understanding what was happening and I'm like why is he on his hippie toes? Like, why is he bugging me this way? What is happening? What's going on? Hello, like what's happening right now. And so like I was like this man just needs to hurry up, finish and then let me put my leggings back on and like go home, because like, yeah, I'm, I'm done with this, like I need to go home now. So he was just kind of like I don't know, I think he got the like he finished. It did.
Speaker 1:It was not a long, um sex session. I did not get my back blown out like I wanted to. It was yeah, it was a mess. Start to finish was a mess, um, and like, yeah, he drove me home. I got out of my house and, um, I was like, well, he didn't get me off, so I'm gonna get myself off. So that was like how my night, that's how my night, ended. So it was just kind of like it was a lot, it was so much. I was just like this is too much for me, um, but yeah, I was just like, all right.
Speaker 1:So anytime I refer to him is I refer to him as tippy toes and it's like my name for him. So I'm never going to call him LeVon again. This man is going to always and forever be called Tippy Toes. So now, yeah, so Tippy Toes is his name. And that was my last sex experience. Isn't that fucking sad? How fucking sad is that? That was the last time I had sex was with this man that was fucking me on his tippy toes when it was not necessary and gave me the biggest egg, but I still talked to his ass Because you know, I know if I ever get in those type of moods like again, he would Every so often I get a fucking text from him Like he texted me the other day and he was fucking out with his friends and he was drunk and shit and like.
Speaker 1:And he like texted me and he was just like, he's like, you're on my mind. I can't stop thinking. I'm like, oh my God, like, please stop, sir, please stop. And then he was like what? Like? He's like I should feel good that he thinks about me when he's drunk and I'm like, sir, no, is that supposed to? Is that a flex? Am I supposed to feel great about that? No, and it's like. This is why we only just have sex, we don't do anything else. And, yeah, am I dimming myself down to fuck this man that probably doesn't deserve to fuck me? Yeah, sure, but is this the option that is giving me what it needs to give me right now? Yeah, it is.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you just need to get fucked and regardless if it's from a good person or a toxic person, you know, sometimes it just happens. I'm fucking human Girl. I was fucking horny, it just happened. I just needed a fix. It's like I'm a fucking crackhead. I needed a fix. Um, so, yeah, uh, that's, that was my last like sex experience. Uh, it was a lot, um, but uh, I don't know, I've I've been like I don't know I've I've been like it's so hard, honestly, like with that, with him, there's.
Speaker 1:No, I'm not, like I would never be embarrassed in front of him. I would never feel like, oh, I shouldn't say that because he's going to look at me differently. Like because I don't genuinely give a fuck about, like what he thinks. Like in that sense, like about me Like if I sway him or whatever, like I don't really care in that sense. That's why, like the way I think about him, I'm like I don't really care, like what you kind of think about me, like I don't really give a shit what your opinion is like about me in that sense. Um, so like, like with him I don't feel that sense of rejection because like he's never rejected me so I've never felt that to him. It's kind of like I reject him sometimes because like he does the most.
Speaker 1:Um, but like I think about that and then I think about when I'm at a bar and how chicken shit I am. Like I talk a big fucking game, like if I am not attracted to you, I want to have nothing to do with you whatsoever. I will flirt like so fucking hard, like I just I can care less, I have not a care in the world, I don't care. Like it's like I don't care to impress you. So it's just like there's not that pressure there and then there's no fear of rejection. Like the fear of rejection is so fucking strong. I feel like it's so, like I don't know it's paralyzing a little bit, especially for me. I feel like I'm so paralyzed to that moment of like I don't want to be rejected by this man.
Speaker 1:Like, or, for me personally, I could say, um, you know, as a black woman, um, you know a lot of bars in Boston, like you know a lot of bars that I go to, whatever, like if I go in there it's probably me and like maybe one or two other black people in there, and like it's predominantly white. So, um, so like even I don't know, I feel like even growing up and stuff like that, like I have dated outside. You know, I've dated outside my race. I, you know, at one point that's kind of all I dated was outside my race. And you know it's like I don't know, I feel I feel a lot of things like dating outside my race, especially in this climate.
Speaker 1:I feel like I feel a lot of things like dating outside my, especially in this climate. I feel like I've always felt these things in the past, but, like in this climate, like there's there's other people that have felt the same way that I felt and I felt more validated in the feelings about dating um, interracially, um, um, interracially, um, like it's like the fear of rejection, like I may be attracted to you but you may not necessarily be attracted to me, and it's just a lot of guys that I've dated or been with in the past. You know, for me, as you know, as a black woman and like a brown, you know like I'm, you know I'm brown skin, not like the. You know, within my world, like it's just like, like you know, light-skinned women are deemed very beautiful and all that stuff. So it's like really hard for and, like you know, like a lot of guys like are really attracted to that. That I know and you know a lot of like dark-skinned brown girls are not getting the same looks. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:So it's like from my experience, from like just my experience and just things that I've, you know whatever, but I've had very attractive white men just and have like that I've had sex with, that I've been with whatever and you know that have literally been with me, like fetishized me, like you know, it's always that. It's always that question of if I'm talking to you or if you're, are you gonna be, are you actually if I talk to you and are you going to be interested in me? Is it? You know, am I going to be fetishized? Like it's just, it's tough, it's really, it's really hard, um, just from my experience and um, it's just really tough. So it's just really like hard for me to even approach men that I think that I feel are attracted to me. Like, I feel like kind of my type is like the men that I'm really attracted to, I feel like are not typically attracted to women that look like me. I don't know, it's a lot.
Speaker 1:I deal with a lot of stuff internally and that's like something that you know I've dealt with in my life from past, like dating experiences and things that have been said to me and, yeah, just from past experiences. It's just it's a lot. Um, so, you know I'm, it's just it's such a big fear I just don't know what I'm getting so like, or like if I'm looking at you, what if you're just like, oh, like I don't know, like I find it's like I find you super attractive, like I don't know if you find me attractive? What if I go to you and I say something and you're like no, no, I'm good, that would like no, I'm good, that would like fuck, I would want to like die right then and there, that is just it's so, and it's so like paralyzing, like there was, um, I was out at like a bar and I was like staring at this man. He was so attractive and I was just staring at him and I'm like, oh my God, and my friend was just like go talk to him, like go at him. And I'm like, oh my god, and my friend was just like go talk to him, like go say something.
Speaker 1:I'm like hell, no, I can't. No, I would rather just stand here, like my terms of flirting with somebody that I'm very attracted to is just me staring at you and like maybe give you a smile and then quickly stare away because I'm nervous and I don't know what to do with my hands and I'm panicking and I'm like, oh my God. So, yeah, it's um, yeah, it's a lot, it's a lot, so I'm just doing it's a lot. So, like the fear like dating is just has been a lot for me. Honestly, I just I can't, I'm trying to wrap my mind around it and how hard it is and just the fear of rejection and how fucking tough it is.
Speaker 1:It's mingling at a bar and I think ever since, I feel like since COVID, I feel like people just don't know how to really interact with each other. Everybody's just so socially awkward sometimes and I realized I can be super socially awkward. I thought I was this. I feel like I can be really extroverted. It can be super bubbly, it can be super like friendly. It could just be super like hey, yeah, yeah, look, let's do it type of person. Um, social butterfly, I can be that type of person. But then there's other times where I'm just like, oh my god, no, like like my comp, if I'm like I feel like I have to feel confident, like, and if I don't feel confident or I don't feel confident going into it, I'm just like.
Speaker 1:I'm just such a little bitch like I can't do it, like talking to an attractive man at a bar, like I can't do it. I even went to like I asked like two guys that like I like was I had date. Well, I asked freaking tippy toes and I asked um this other guy, um that I like recently had um, like I was like into whatever and um, like not recently, I would say like a while ago, over a year ago, um, and I was like asking him and not recently, I would say a while ago, over a year ago and I was asking him because my friend Akilah was saying oh, why don't you ask a guy that you actually were interested in? Is it more enticing for a girl to? Are you more wanting a woman to approach you? Is that what you're waiting for? Is it really intimidating or am I really intimidating or is like? Am I like really intimidating? Because I feel like sometimes I am like I do give big, resting, bitch face. I'm like I'm, I'm very like. Some people are very intimidated by me. I'm very strong, um, and I feel like I have to be.
Speaker 1:I would love for me to like experience my soft girl era. I would love to just kind of let my walls down and let somebody like take care of me and not be that type of person like I. I would love that like that's something like I look forward to in like the person that I end up dating, potentially like marrying, like yeah, like, if I'm going into something and I'm like I actively want to date somebody like I. You know I am 35. I would like to date. I want to have kids. I want to, you know, start that journey. I want to like do that. I want to have my like happily ever after. I want that shit. You know, like I want that and I want to be with somebody that actually, like you know, can let me be soft, can let me let my walls down, let me not be like this strong bitch, like you know, kind of like carry me and lead me through stuff. You know what I mean. I need that Like, I want that. You know what I mean. That's what I want somebody to bring to the table for me. You know that's what I'm. I manifest that we all get somebody that like treats us how we deserve and need to be treated, like the Kings and Queens that we are like for real, honestly, like I want that for all of us. It's tough.
Speaker 1:I'm really trying to really trying to make a promise to myself to try and get myself more out there, like approach men, maybe talk to somebody. I don't know if I just like need liquid courage Y'all, I don't fucking know. I need something. I need something I want. I'm trying to like push myself by next episode that I release that I have approached a man at a bar, actively talked to him was not a little bitch about it, flirted, maybe, get his number, maybe. Whatever, I am determined to do that. I'm giving my. It is August 14th when I'm recording this. I'm giving myself a month to approach a man at a bar and talk to him and just, yeah, just do that shit, you know. Um. But yeah, y'all heard it here first. You heard it Y'all the first, um.
Speaker 1:But yeah, that's kind of really what's been going on with me and kind of really what I wanted to talk to you guys, cause I feel like it's just like, even when I've been talking to my friends, like the fear of rejection is just so deep and it's just like I just been feeling it lately, just kind of with um, even though, like that guy I don't know what it was I just felt like him, like him like unfollowing me, like just left such a I don't know. I was like damn, I was like wow, but I don't know if it was to my petty thing, I have no idea. It could have been like that. It could have been like oh, like she's being petty I don't want to deal with I don't know whatever. I just felt some type of way about it. It was a lot for me. But yeah, um, but on, like another weird um thing that's happening with me right now. Um, I like I was saying I'm super, like, I'm a pop culture girly.
Speaker 1:I love reality TV. It fuels my no-transcript like lives and all that stuff. And I love dating shows because they're so, sometimes they're so chaotic, sometimes they're really nice. I'm such a lover girl so I, like, I do love, like watching people, like you know, catch feelings, fall in love, do all that good stuff. I love, love, love. Um.
Speaker 1:So Love Island, usa, season seven um, I've been obsessed so I have been like a Love Island girl. I'm I'm very new to the Love Island world. Um, I really want to watch this current season of UK. I heard it's really really good and they have like an American that won Um spoiler, sorry, I should have said that before, and spoiler for USA if you haven't watched K. I heard it's really really good and they have like an American that won um spoiler, sorry, I should have said that before, and spoiler for USA if you haven't watched, which they're fucking everywhere anyways. But, um, uh, amaya Papaya and Brian won who's actually from Everett, massachusetts, which, um shout out to Brian representing Massachusetts as a winner. Um, and amaya papaya, who's the first afro latina to win. They were the first actual latin couple to win um love island, which is crazy. And then, um, yeah, but I've been watching it.
Speaker 1:I've been watching usa since season five because I really wanted to get into it, because everybody kept talking about Love Island and I just so happened to watch it and I was like, oh my god, this is so good. And then season six was fucking amazing. And so then I was like watching season seven and two people stuck out to me in season seven and it was Nick and Al alandria and from day one I was like, oh my god, I want them to be together. I love them like, I think they're amazing. I they just make such a and I could feel the chemistry. Like their first kiss, like it was crazy. She kissed him the first night in the villa, um, when they initially met. And then the second night he kissed her, but blindfolded. She never knew until like the last week in the villa, like he admitted that it was him. Anyways, they go to this fucking roller coaster of a thing, um, and they realize that they're supposed to be together. Like it took them fucking forever. Um, I've been a nickel andrean, stan since day one. Um, shout out to them, um, but yeah, like it was.
Speaker 1:Honestly, it's really crazy because alandria on that show she's a beautiful, stunning, like she's so fucking stunning. I'm like I feel like like my, like I was like, oh my god, my biceps are tingling. She's so fucking beautiful, so fucking beautiful, um, and she's stunning and like Nick is really cute. But next to Alandra, he, that man, is fine as hell. Next to that woman, like he is very good looking, like he's a very attractive man, he's very handsome um, but next to that woman, like he is very good looking, like he's a very attractive man, he's very handsome Um, but next to her he is. Yes, anyways, um, I just really like her. She's so genuine and like she's an older daughter of six um, and she just carries herself so strong and she always puts people's um feelings ahead of her own. And I just related to her so much and, um, she had recently had an interview. So, anyways, like kind of like pushing that situation.
Speaker 1:If you don't know about them, um, they were on the island, they were with other people. Um, they both got voted off the island to go home. Um, production did their thing because America was like we want them to be together, and they were with other people and they weren't seeing that they liked each other and the other liked each other, whatever they weren't seeing what we were all seeing on on our television screens. They ended up, um, the producers ended up like bringing them back together and then giving them a chance to recouple. In that moment, um, this is what, this is what, like the soul ties kiss, which is by far one of the hottest kisses I've ever witnessed. I was like, oh my god, I was screaming in my house, jumping up and down. I was so freaking excited for them and then that was like episode 21.
Speaker 1:Yes, I've watched this so much. I've never had and I realized this this is my first parasocial relationship that I've never experienced before. It's so genuine to see two people relationship that I've I've never experienced this before. It's so genuine to see two people and they were friends, like they were each other's rocks throughout this um, love Island experience. They're there for like six weeks and um, with no like connections to the outside world, and like they were each other's rocks. They were like they both liked each other, didn't realize the other one liked each other, like he, like yearned for her, like studied her, made sure that he realized, like, oh, this is what, this is the guy that she's looking for, and he, like you know, was like I need a mature and I need to step up to be this man that she wants. And step up, this man fucking did Jesus Christ, this man fucking dead, jesus christ. This man stepped up, um, like, after that soul ties kiss, they pissed me off the next fucking episode and we're like, oh, we didn't, I didn't feel a fucking connection. It was lies, like y'all need to watch that shit, watch the soul ties kiss. I will link it in the description so you guys can see what the fuck I'm talking about. Holy shit, was this kiss fucking hot? I was like, oh, oh, my god, um, they have, like they have, two kisses that I absolutely love. It's the soul ties kiss and the congratulations kiss. And the congratulations kiss is later on in the season when they actually his love interest at the, his connection.
Speaker 1:I guess at the time her name's Sierra, which we call her 404. C error, get it 404. Anyways, it's a part of a community. I'm in a like Nicolandria, um, twitter community, Don't judge me. Like I said first, pair of socials. It's a lot, a lot's happening, anyways, um, but I absolutely like, love the both of them. So the congratulations I will fucking link, I'm gonna link both of them.
Speaker 1:Y'all, I want you to experience what I experienced and then, um, y'all can just experience it. Y'all maybe like think I'm crazy, but anyways, whatever, it was just really nice to see this strong, mostly intimidating. I just resonated with her so much with her story and just like you know, being a black woman, you know trying to date outside my race and just the things that I've had to encounter with people outside my race and just the um, yeah, the fetishization, like fetish. I don't even know if I'm saying this word right, but like it's just like. You don't know if they just like, yeah, I just wanna. You know I've had men like that. I've had white men just want to have sex with me because they've never had sex with a black girl before and they wanted to, and which has been a shitty ass fucking feeling, very shitty feeling.
Speaker 1:If you've ever been fetishized by somebody and just kind of, because I'm a black, I mean like I can't help it. You know what I mean. Like it was just it's very shitty for somebody to say that to you. It's like, no, I don't, I don't really wanna like have sex with you because I'm attracted to you. I'm like I want to like be like I want to be intimate with you because I like, like you, whatever. It's like no, because I like sexualize you, I, oh, I just want it because you're just a black girl that I can say to my friends that I fucked. You know what I mean? It's just, it's really shitty. So it's like things like that.
Speaker 1:She's a girl from the South and she was like saying, when she was saying to her she was like guys that look like him wouldn't want to, don't really look at girls like me. They're really traditional. They don't really look at girls that look like me or, if they are, they're like fetishizing me or something. And when she said that it like I don't know, it struck a fucking chord in me. I don't know, I just relate to her story so fucking much and just how she carries herself and how she is and I feel like I have to be like that. And now like fast-forwarding through their story and when they actually like because they like his girl, girl like got booted off because she made some racist ass remarks and they booted her off because they were like yeah, hell, no, they ended up finding themselves back to each other, ended up recoupling being a thing, actually giving it a shot and now they're like the biggest thing right now and I love them. They were recently on Watch what Happens Live on Bravo and it was like the after show.
Speaker 1:Like y'all, I have never I am downloading apps to keep up with this fucking couple. That's how much I fucking love this couple. Y'all. They are on Snapchat. They're on fucking TikTok. I'm like I'm always online, like I'm always on TikTok. Tiktok is like my fucking guilty pleasure. I can be on that shit for like fucking five fucking hours. Um, they got me on TikTok bitch Twitch. I'm like I don't. I've never used Twitch before, but like they have it. Have they done anything on Twitch? Nope, but anyways, yeah, I've been like Instagram, twitter X, whatever the fuck it's called. Now, like I am on the apps YouTube. I am on the apps like because I want to keep up with them.
Speaker 1:I just like I love their love and it was just so nice to like actually see people like become friends to lovers. Like I feel like it's kind of like I'm watching a real romance novel play out in real life. It's just it's so intriguing and really nice and really like great to watch and, like I said to you, I really like I love love, I love love. So it's really nice to just see this black woman just be loved the way that she should like she deserves to be loved and I hope you hope someday I find somebody, that I find myself a Nick Vance and that gives me the same type of love that he gives Alondria. I hope I get that. It's just so nice to watch. There was a scene that somebody had asked Alondria a question and y'all. I've seen this clip play out a hundred times and I've cried every single time because it's just such a crazy scene that I watch and it's so beautiful to watch.
Speaker 1:You know, as a black woman, you know we always have to be strong, like we're always like looked at. As you know, we have to be strong, we have to be poised, we have to handle ourselves a certain way or we're going to be deemed as like being an angry black woman and I you know that's such a battle. I have to be. It's like I want to stand on business, but like if I stand on business, I'm I look aggressive, people think I'm an angry person, people are scared of me. It's really hard. I can't express myself without people being like, oh, I'm scared of her or whatever the case may be, if I, like, am standing on business, like people are intimidated by that, and so it's really tough, um, in that sense.
Speaker 1:But, um, she had asked her that and she said you know how do you go about like moving forward, like trying to live in your you know, your soft girl era, like you know that you've said that you've, you know you're trying aiming to be. And she just kind of looked and she was saying, you know, there was one moment that she was in the villa where, you know, she saw it as a weakness, which I don't even see it as a weakness. I feel like she was being human in that moment, because it was this man was playing her, not Nick, but this other guy that she was coupled up with, that Thankfully they are not together and he's with somebody that he was meant to be with, and obviously she's with and Alandra's with Nick. But she was just kind of talking about him and she just said, you know, he's really, he's really, he's really, he's a very intentional man, like he's very intentional with his words and things that he does. And I remember, like when they first got out of the villa, they were on a live and she was saying how she really wanted a model and he was like she's like, she's smart, she's beautiful, this is going to happen for her, she's going to get the contract, she's going to get these deals, like he was speaking it into existence. Now, fast forward, she's sitting in this interview and she goes. You know he's very intentional and you know he like, she's like I'm such a control freak and with him I just kind of let him take control and at this moment, like Nick sits back, like Nick is just like watching her as she's talking about like him and she's like giving him his flowers and it was really nice to see.
Speaker 1:And she was saying how you know, she said she's never been to Europe. She's always been to Europe. He brought her to Europe, he brought her to Greece, um, and he had a deal with Kalani Kani. It's like Kalani Keeney's. I said Kalani Kani, kalani Keeney, it's like Kalani Keeney's. I said Kalani Keeney, kalani Keeney's. And they have like they worked with him before and they had a deal with him. If he won, they would give him his own line. And they came in second um on Love Island and but they like gave him a deal anyways and so they did align with him and he brought her as his you know his love, you know his love interest and it's like, and he knew she wanted a model and he knew like he had the means and the sources to get her that, to get her on, and he got her on that deal Not on the deal, but he got her like exposed to that.
Speaker 1:So she was on that photo shoot and those pictures were chef's kiss. They looked amazing in them and her body is like fucking phenomenal, like waist wear. I don't even know where her waist is and his waist is too. They both are like really like amazingly good-looking people, um, and especially together. But Alondra is like oh my God, that lady is like she's beautiful.
Speaker 1:But she did that and then they just did Aqua De Four. It's like kind of like it's like a flavored drink. It's like a flavored sparkling water, whatever. Love me some sparkling drink and I definitely need to go to Trader Joe's and go grab it. You know support, um, and she's like. You know he.
Speaker 1:I told him I wanted to go modeling and then he had these deals with these two brands and brought me on and exposed me to that and brought me and put me forth. You know, he, just like she's like I've never had somebody. Just like, give me so much love and just embrace me and, just like you, just take care of me and just let me be soft and just let me. You know, just like, let me take the reins and just be submissive and just like you know, I don't have to worry because he got it and he got me and y'all I. Her words were just so powerful, I'll link it to Her words were just so powerful.
Speaker 1:And then it pans to him and like the camera gets close to his face and y'all he starts crying and y'all I started bawling my fucking eyes out. I'm like, oh, my god, their love is so amazing. Um, but yeah, it's just, it's so nice, I don't know, I like I love their love. It's so really, it's so cool. And it's just really cool to see there were so many other couples that I love, like Shelly and Ace.
Speaker 1:Taylor was like three dreads that's what we call them in our Nicolandrian community, don't judge. Like I said, him and his girl, like I like them together Amaya and Brian, iris and Pepe. Like I just love all these couples. It's just really nice to see like a lot of them were friends to lovers type of situation was really cool to watch, um, but yeah, that's like kind of my little tea, hopefully any of this listening as a Nicolandrian because you know, nicoland, nicolandrians stand together come here, cream, you'll know what I'm talking about if you know.
Speaker 1:You know, but yeah, it was just really nice to watch it and I feel like she kind of inspired me to be like, yeah, no, I just really need to put myself out there and, like you know, and when she was in the villa she made a selfish decision because, like, the person that Nick was coupled up with was her friend and she kind of put her feelings aside from Nick to kind of like you know, she didn't want to step in and like hurt her friend, but she ended up being selfish, picking Nick and that was probably the best decision. And you know, they're really like, they're in it and it's really nice to see, to see like them be in love and all that stuff. But you know, I love it, I love their love and I'm like I just hope I need it, like I want this, like this type of love that I want, um, one day and I hope for everybody else that you find your nick and you find your olandria, or you find like your person that, just like you know, can just make you be soft and can make you just Like you know, person that can make you a better woman, make you a better man, make you a better person, just like, just somebody that Can do that for you. You know, I wish that for all of us because we all deserve it. We all deserved for someone to just treat us Like amazingly and just be loved down unconditionally. So I always, like I really wish that for us.
Speaker 1:Um, and yeah, for me, I need to get my ass out of like. I need to get my head out of my ass and just like be more confident in myself and just go up to a man and just talk to him attractive man, and just stop thinking like, oh man, he's gonna reject me, like the feeling, like I said, it's so debilitating, like it's so paralyzing and I just need to really get out of my head. I'm so fucking in my head, it's so crazy. Um, yeah, I'm looking at the. I'm looking at the time of like how long I'm fucking talking and I'm like, jesus Christ, this is like such a long episode. It's a welcome back episode, so we'll kind of give it in. Um, we'll kind of give it in that sense.
Speaker 1:Maybe I'll make this into like two parts or something. Um, yeah, maybe I'll make this into two parts. We'll see. Uh, maybe I'll make this like pop culture moment, maybe into two parts, we'll see. Uh, maybe I'll make this like pop culture moment, maybe into two parts, I don't know. We'll see how like long this episode actually is when I edit it. Maybe short, I don't know.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I'm gonna end it on a good note. I wanted to end that shit on a positive note because I feel like, uh, love is just so amazing to watch. But, oh man, you guys have made it this far. I thank you. I feel like I've just been going on and on and on. I miss you guys. I feel like I miss talking to you guys, so I feel like I can't shut the fuck up now. I'm like I need to end this episode.
Speaker 1:It's too long Before everybody loses interest to end this episode. It's too long I before I everybody loses interest, um, but I wanted to thank you guys for letting me be honest, letting me be messy, tell you about my pettiness, um being vulnerable, because that's like what this podcast is about. That's what Shirdan is all about, like the real unfiltered moments that like shape us. You know these unfiltered moments that have shaped me, you know? Um, yeah, I just kind of wanted you know, I'm always open and vulnerable with you guys and I kind of wanted to like share like where I was at, why I was missing, why I was MIA, and I feel like it was so annoying because even I was getting annoyed with myself. I would listen to these episodes and be like I'm going to come back and then I would be going missing. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:And then dealing with the imposter syndrome of being like I don't even know if people are actually listening to what I'm saying and one of my friends who actually was a guest on the show friends who actually was a guest on the show, um, jess, when she was on a show, like very, very much in the beginning, um, she told me that like somebody was talking to her about my podcast. Um, they had found me on Spotify and they like knew what my podcast was. And that was such a weird surreal feeling when she told me that, because I was like, yeah, yeah, not a lot of. You know what I mean. I don't know. Like I said, imposter syndrome. I don't feel like people like actually want to hear what I have to say. But then it's weird. When I see the download numbers, I'm very confused. I'm like, wow, like people are actually listening to me. Like it's weird, it's very, it's a very weird feeling because, you know, sometimes you're just like I don't know if people want to listen to what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Um, but if today's episode, any part of it, like hit home for you or you've been through your own like season of rejection or self doubt, um, I like want to reconnect with you guys. I want to hear your stories, dm me, email me, scream it into the void. I want you guys to know that I'm here for you. We're going through this together. Um, you know, like I, we're on this journey together. We're on this road together. We've been here before. This has been a journey we're going to continue. We, you guys, have rode with me and I'm so thankful for you guys.
Speaker 1:I'm going to try and get at least a couple episodes out a month. Feed you guys. I'm going to be more socially active on my Instagram and all the social medias so I can reconnect with you guys. So, yes, I'm back, we're in it. Make sure to follow, subscribe, share with somebody who needs to hear that a comeback is always possible, even if it starts from rock bottom, which I kind of felt that I was in. Um, but until next time, guys, let's stay stoff, stay strong and don't let rejection make you forget who the fuck you are. Okay, I love you, guys and we're back. Bye.