{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":57.846000000000004,"endTime":69.851,"body":"sometimes want to use pseudonyms or fake names or when Mike and I first started the"},{"startTime":57.846000000000004,"endTime":69.851,"body":"podcast, we actually had fake names and they lasted about eight minutes into our first"},{"startTime":69.851,"endTime":75.20400000000001,"body":"episode and we just, and then we just started calling each other by our regular name, like"},{"startTime":69.851,"endTime":75.20400000000001,"body":"our real names."},{"startTime":75.20400000000001,"endTime":76.381,"body":"Remember that Mike?"},{"startTime":76.381,"endTime":78.993,"body":"Yeah, we were going to call each other Walter and Jesse."},{"startTime":80.296,"endTime":81.71600000000001,"body":"Walter and Jesse."},{"startTime":81.998,"endTime":83.179,"body":"I actually think we did."},{"startTime":83.179,"endTime":88.255,"body":"We recorded an episode like that, but it was the first time we had a guest on when Shalice"},{"startTime":83.179,"endTime":88.255,"body":"was on that."},{"startTime":88.255,"endTime":89.96700000000001,"body":"It ended up being our first episode."},{"startTime":89.96700000000001,"endTime":92.569,"body":"We were on Zoom and it said Doug and Mike."},{"startTime":93.105,"endTime":94.832,"body":"Yeah, that's right."},{"startTime":96.65700000000001,"endTime":98.857,"body":"And so from there, it's just Doug and Mike."},{"startTime":100.338,"endTime":101.28800000000001,"body":"man."},{"startTime":101.333,"endTime":103.55000000000001,"body":"But who knows those might not be our real names."},{"startTime":104.101,"endTime":105.17,"body":"Hoot yah, right."},{"startTime":105.17,"endTime":107.719,"body":"wouldn't you all motherfuckers like to know what our real names are?"},{"startTime":107.719,"endTime":110.75,"body":"We've been doing this for four and a half years and you don't know our real names."},{"startTime":110.75,"endTime":112.018,"body":"What up, dawg?"},{"startTime":112.018,"endTime":112.6,"body":"tell."},{"startTime":112.6,"endTime":113.80199999999999,"body":"Not even tell."},{"startTime":113.86500000000001,"endTime":115.59800000000001,"body":"They were never even Mormons."},{"startTime":116.357,"endTime":118.503,"body":"Hey, I do have to start this off."},{"startTime":118.503,"endTime":119.415,"body":"I do have an announcement."},{"startTime":119.415,"endTime":120.968,"body":"You all ready for an announcement?"},{"startTime":121.045,"endTime":121.47800000000001,"body":"Yep."},{"startTime":121.47800000000001,"endTime":123.265,"body":"Announcement announcement."},{"startTime":123.929,"endTime":127.997,"body":"I am supposed to be getting a vasectomy tomorrow."},{"startTime":128.027,"endTime":128.74,"body":"HUUUU"},{"startTime":130.423,"endTime":132.286,"body":"my gosh."},{"startTime":132.286,"endTime":132.936,"body":"No."},{"startTime":133.197,"endTime":136.642,"body":"Congratulations on behalf of everyone."},{"startTime":136.642,"endTime":137.473,"body":"I'm sure that you know."},{"startTime":137.473,"endTime":138.183,"body":"yes."},{"startTime":138.885,"endTime":139.226,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":139.226,"endTime":140.957,"body":"The whole world has actually been encouraging it."},{"startTime":140.957,"endTime":143.049,"body":"They've been like, we could use less."},{"startTime":143.049,"endTime":153.957,"body":"We could use less dugs going around, but, my doctor got hurt and has to have like actual"},{"startTime":143.049,"endTime":153.957,"body":"surgery, like real fucking surgery."},{"startTime":154.878,"endTime":157.781,"body":"And so my vasectomy has been put off for a couple of months."},{"startTime":157.781,"endTime":167.05200000000002,"body":"So, if I seem, if I seem a little more energetic than you expected, if I seem a little"},{"startTime":157.781,"endTime":167.05200000000002,"body":"full of, of like,"},{"startTime":167.05200000000002,"endTime":174.51999999999998,"body":"virility, it's because I'm hanging on to the vestiges of not having a vasectomy for the"},{"startTime":167.05200000000002,"endTime":174.51999999999998,"body":"next couple of months."},{"startTime":174.51999999999998,"endTime":176.461,"body":"So, thank you."},{"startTime":177.423,"endTime":179.454,"body":"That's right, that's right."},{"startTime":179.70600000000002,"endTime":182.30599999999998,"body":"take forth their energy as much as you can."},{"startTime":182.30599999999998,"endTime":183.409,"body":"Fuck yeah."},{"startTime":184.474,"endTime":189.44799999999998,"body":"Doug, had, for a second, years ago and I had complications not to scare you."},{"startTime":190.62599999999998,"endTime":193.19400000000002,"body":"Dude, what kind of complications?"},{"startTime":193.577,"endTime":197.459,"body":"Well, so they have to like pull out the vas deferens."},{"startTime":197.459,"endTime":201.19100000000003,"body":"I think that's what it's called, vas deferens or something, and then cut them, right?"},{"startTime":201.99200000000002,"endTime":207.195,"body":"For some reason on one side, on my left side, he couldn't find mine."},{"startTime":207.195,"endTime":209.49599999999998,"body":"He was just like digging away."},{"startTime":209.49599999999998,"endTime":216.16000000000003,"body":"And like even with the anesthesia, I could just feel him just like digging in there."},{"startTime":217.161,"endTime":218.901,"body":"Finally, he gets it."},{"startTime":219.48200000000003,"endTime":221.887,"body":"And like I had..."},{"startTime":221.887,"endTime":228.38299999999998,"body":"Like I was just ballooned up for a couple of weeks and in two places, like it was, it was"},{"startTime":221.887,"endTime":228.38299999999998,"body":"bad."},{"startTime":228.38299999999998,"endTime":238.54200000000003,"body":"And I still have like phantom pain, especially when I get on like psychedelics or"},{"startTime":228.38299999999998,"endTime":238.54200000000003,"body":"something or like some, know, just like a little bit of, sometimes I'll be like, my gosh,"},{"startTime":238.54200000000003,"endTime":240.865,"body":"I've got like a phantom pain there."},{"startTime":240.865,"endTime":241.765,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":242.947,"endTime":243.565,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":243.565,"endTime":245.79700000000003,"body":"real, that's what I need to work through that mic."},{"startTime":246.61900000000003,"endTime":249.77300000000002,"body":"Feel all that pain in your balls, let it happen."},{"startTime":250.005,"endTime":251.337,"body":"There's been times where I just gotta feel it."},{"startTime":251.337,"endTime":254.313,"body":"If I just keep feeling it, eventually it'll just like move through."},{"startTime":254.313,"endTime":261.997,"body":"And maybe it does sometimes, I don't know, but like, yeah, it's still kind of a deal, but"},{"startTime":254.313,"endTime":261.997,"body":"like, that's rare, dog."},{"startTime":261.997,"endTime":263.269,"body":"It won't happen to you."},{"startTime":264.288,"endTime":273.721,"body":"better not my the dude that does that my doctor is my homeboy so he better not be digging"},{"startTime":264.288,"endTime":273.721,"body":"around trying to find the left side of my vast deference so for those of you listening at"},{"startTime":273.721,"endTime":287.476,"body":"home you might have heard a third voice and that voice is okay Carly I'm gonna just call"},{"startTime":273.721,"endTime":287.476,"body":"you Carly but should I call you what what should I call you low -key Carly okay okay"},{"startTime":287.476,"endTime":289.29200000000003,"body":"there's car Carly"},{"startTime":289.29200000000003,"endTime":294.878,"body":"Loki Carly is like like the side hustle like she's like that Yeah Yeah"},{"startTime":295.009,"endTime":296.11,"body":"Fair enough."},{"startTime":296.15,"endTime":305.715,"body":"So maybe Carly, people listening know me and Mike, but maybe you could tell us who the"},{"startTime":296.15,"endTime":305.715,"body":"fuck are you?"},{"startTime":306.115,"endTime":307.096,"body":"Who are you?"},{"startTime":307.096,"endTime":307.956,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":308.879,"endTime":311.37,"body":"Alright, I know we have cameras on."},{"startTime":311.37,"endTime":314.832,"body":"I am gonna turn my camera off so I feel like we're on the phone."},{"startTime":314.832,"endTime":317.313,"body":"And that will make it better for me."},{"startTime":317.313,"endTime":321.756,"body":"I am currently in a cemetery."},{"startTime":321.756,"endTime":321.916,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":321.916,"endTime":322.84499999999997,"body":"Yes I am."},{"startTime":325.609,"endTime":326.501,"body":"I love this."},{"startTime":326.501,"endTime":329.549,"body":"I've always wanted to do a podcast episode in a cemetery."},{"startTime":329.549,"endTime":331.53999999999996,"body":"mean, yeah, like."},{"startTime":331.53999999999996,"endTime":332.704,"body":"It's recommended."},{"startTime":332.704,"endTime":333.558,"body":"It's recommended."},{"startTime":333.558,"endTime":335.85499999999996,"body":"It's very peaceful, very quiet."},{"startTime":336.11699999999996,"endTime":340.529,"body":"All right, well, let's invite all those ghosts in with you and you can tell us a little"},{"startTime":336.11699999999996,"endTime":340.529,"body":"bit about yourself."},{"startTime":340.63599999999997,"endTime":341.417,"body":"Wonderful."},{"startTime":341.417,"endTime":343.46799999999996,"body":"Okay, so here's me."},{"startTime":343.46799999999996,"endTime":345.59999999999997,"body":"Hello, I'm Carly."},{"startTime":346.14099999999996,"endTime":350.204,"body":"Raised in Utah, born in Idaho, spent most of my life in Utah though."},{"startTime":350.204,"endTime":354.86699999999996,"body":"I grew up Mormon, hence what brings us here today."},{"startTime":354.86699999999996,"endTime":361.613,"body":"Mushrooms are a little bit later down the line, but I kind of grew up throughout Utah."},{"startTime":361.613,"endTime":367.36699999999996,"body":"So I like to tell people I got a pretty good idea of the gist of how it actually goes down"},{"startTime":361.613,"endTime":367.36699999999996,"body":"here."},{"startTime":367.36699999999996,"endTime":369.853,"body":"I didn't just kind of stay in one neighborhood."},{"startTime":369.853,"endTime":380.219,"body":"I went from Farmington to Caysville to Bountiful to Centerville to Lehigh to Alpine to"},{"startTime":369.853,"endTime":380.219,"body":"American Fork and now I've been in Salt Lake for the last six years and I call this place"},{"startTime":380.219,"endTime":392.926,"body":"just like the holy bubble where you don't see a lot of Mormons, you see all the people"},{"startTime":380.219,"endTime":392.926,"body":"that kind of fled from the suburbs and that come to Utah from out of state and can't quite"},{"startTime":392.926,"endTime":397.62899999999996,"body":"fully exist anywhere else and I've absolutely loved being here."},{"startTime":399.893,"endTime":404.15999999999997,"body":"I so much want to, what part of Idaho?"},{"startTime":404.221,"endTime":406.294,"body":"I have, you know, I live in Idaho."},{"startTime":406.294,"endTime":408.981,"body":"Yes, yes, I was born in Boise."},{"startTime":409.52799999999996,"endTime":411.853,"body":"Right on, I love Boise, okay."},{"startTime":412.57599999999996,"endTime":415.954,"body":"So, please go ahead."},{"startTime":415.989,"endTime":419.327,"body":"I was gonna say I was only there until I was about one and then I moved."},{"startTime":419.327,"endTime":423.144,"body":"So I've been in Utah my whole cognizant life."},{"startTime":425.01599999999996,"endTime":425.656,"body":"on."},{"startTime":426.997,"endTime":431.658,"body":"So I know when we got you on, like, hey, just drop into the conversation."},{"startTime":431.658,"endTime":436.45,"body":"This isn't gonna be a typical like question and answer type podcast, but I have questions."},{"startTime":439.711,"endTime":450.034,"body":"Well, I mean, cause I think you'd reached out once, we had just released that episode,"},{"startTime":439.711,"endTime":450.034,"body":"Confessions of an Ex -Mormon Sex Worker with V."},{"startTime":450.134,"endTime":453.435,"body":"And I posted it on our story and then you."},{"startTime":453.577,"endTime":458.875,"body":"I think you responded or you sent us a DM and saying, I, by the way, I grew up Mormon."},{"startTime":458.96299999999997,"endTime":459.394,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":459.394,"endTime":460.147,"body":"-hmm."},{"startTime":460.147,"endTime":460.692,"body":"Yep."},{"startTime":460.692,"endTime":463.453,"body":"And I think that's how it was, if I remember correctly."},{"startTime":463.453,"endTime":464.717,"body":"That is how it was."},{"startTime":464.717,"endTime":465.751,"body":"And when was that?"},{"startTime":465.751,"endTime":466.212,"body":"Back in..."},{"startTime":466.212,"endTime":466.943,"body":"winter."},{"startTime":467.522,"endTime":468.873,"body":"A year ago maybe?"},{"startTime":469.597,"endTime":470.418,"body":"Not quite a year."},{"startTime":470.418,"endTime":475.312,"body":"mean, I don't think that episode has been out for a year, but like earlier this year, like"},{"startTime":470.418,"endTime":475.312,"body":"January, maybe December or something."},{"startTime":475.312,"endTime":475.953,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":475.953,"endTime":477.154,"body":"So it's been a minute."},{"startTime":477.154,"endTime":477.404,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":477.404,"endTime":477.824,"body":"It's been a minute."},{"startTime":477.824,"endTime":479.20599999999996,"body":"We've been trying to get you on ever since."},{"startTime":479.20599999999996,"endTime":487.983,"body":"So it's been a long time coming, I, just to kind of frame this conversation, what was your"},{"startTime":479.20599999999996,"endTime":487.983,"body":"like, what was your experience like being Mormon?"},{"startTime":489.28499999999997,"endTime":491.979,"body":"So my experience being Mormon."},{"startTime":496.45599999999996,"endTime":507.216,"body":"I would say my experience being Mormon was a little bit different from a lot of people"},{"startTime":496.45599999999996,"endTime":507.216,"body":"that I feel like I grew up around where I never quite got myself to believe it."},{"startTime":507.496,"endTime":512.716,"body":"I always tell people I quote unquote left the church at age 10."},{"startTime":512.716,"endTime":518.236,"body":"But really that's just kind of when I got fed up with no longer getting answers."},{"startTime":518.8960000000001,"endTime":521.077,"body":"I think, you know, when you're a kid, oops."},{"startTime":521.077,"endTime":525.711,"body":"years, sorry, you're only two years removed from making the decision to be baptized."},{"startTime":527.9490000000001,"endTime":529.676,"body":"sorry, you broke up there for just a second."},{"startTime":529.676,"endTime":530.7,"body":"What was that?"},{"startTime":531.288,"endTime":537.03,"body":"I was just making a joke that it was just two years after you made the decision at eight"},{"startTime":531.288,"endTime":537.03,"body":"years old to be baptized."},{"startTime":537.433,"endTime":538.303,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":538.424,"endTime":539.154,"body":"Exactly."},{"startTime":539.154,"endTime":540.6850000000001,"body":"Exactly."},{"startTime":541.065,"endTime":545.498,"body":"I actually just told my mom this not even I think two weeks ago and it made her cry."},{"startTime":545.498,"endTime":556.4350000000001,"body":"Speaking of baptisms, but I told her when I was eight years old and I got baptized, you"},{"startTime":545.498,"endTime":556.4350000000001,"body":"know, in primary you grow up and they drill it into your brain that when you get baptized,"},{"startTime":556.4350000000001,"endTime":565.381,"body":"you're going to get the gift of the Holy Ghost and he's going to move in to your heart and"},{"startTime":556.4350000000001,"endTime":565.381,"body":"bring his bags and you guys are to be able to like have intimate conversations."},{"startTime":565.381,"endTime":567.1610000000001,"body":"He's going to be able to talk to you."},{"startTime":567.1610000000001,"endTime":568.221,"body":"and all of these things."},{"startTime":568.221,"endTime":575.714,"body":"And I remember I pictured him as the bubble man from SpongeBob with the top hat and the"},{"startTime":568.221,"endTime":575.714,"body":"briefcase."},{"startTime":577.4350000000001,"endTime":590.1,"body":"And I remember like sitting in primary in my little seat and like getting this lesson that"},{"startTime":577.4350000000001,"endTime":590.1,"body":"if you didn't do, you know, A, B or C, that the Holy Ghost would literally pack his bags"},{"startTime":590.1,"endTime":591.96,"body":"and move out of your heart."},{"startTime":591.961,"endTime":595.182,"body":"And that is what I pictured was the bubble man leaving me and"},{"startTime":596.1370000000001,"endTime":596.783,"body":"Hahaha"},{"startTime":596.783,"endTime":604.3280000000001,"body":"would look like, know, what the relationship between us was gonna be, if there was gonna"},{"startTime":596.783,"endTime":604.3280000000001,"body":"be sparks or whatever, but I knew there was gonna be one and I was very excited."},{"startTime":604.509,"endTime":607.7410000000001,"body":"And then I get baptized, do the whole thing, have my whole day."},{"startTime":607.7410000000001,"endTime":617.239,"body":"And I remember going into my bedroom alone, you know, after the whole day of being around"},{"startTime":607.7410000000001,"endTime":617.239,"body":"people, everyone's so excited for you, so excited for this gift that you've been given."},{"startTime":617.239,"endTime":624.4440000000001,"body":"And I sat on my bed, like eager and ready and waiting for my alone time with the Holy"},{"startTime":617.239,"endTime":624.4440000000001,"body":"Ghost."},{"startTime":624.7650000000001,"endTime":625.885,"body":"Ready to -"},{"startTime":626.484,"endTime":629.13,"body":"I had my hair braided all special."},{"startTime":629.5260000000001,"endTime":632.9350000000001,"body":"you're in the bridal suite waiting for the Holy Ghost to come."},{"startTime":632.9350000000001,"endTime":644.558,"body":"was literally waiting for him to come in and like start unpacking his suitcase and get to"},{"startTime":632.9350000000001,"endTime":644.558,"body":"know me and I just sat there and sat there and like an hour or two which might as well"},{"startTime":644.558,"endTime":658.321,"body":"have been three lifetimes go by and yeah I remember just sitting and looking at my feet"},{"startTime":644.558,"endTime":658.321,"body":"and just wondering what I had what could I have possibly done wrong in the span of today"},{"startTime":658.321,"endTime":661.1450000000001,"body":"like from from dipping in the water"},{"startTime":661.1450000000001,"endTime":664.629,"body":"from the festivities at eight years old."},{"startTime":664.629,"endTime":667.0500000000001,"body":"think about an eight year old, eight years old feeling that way."},{"startTime":667.0500000000001,"endTime":672.681,"body":"Like what did I do wrong between being baptized and right now while I'm sitting here"},{"startTime":667.0500000000001,"endTime":672.681,"body":"waiting?"},{"startTime":672.681,"endTime":674.0310000000001,"body":"What have I done wrong?"},{"startTime":674.0310000000001,"endTime":676.452,"body":"mean, that's like a, that's kind of a trip."},{"startTime":676.452,"endTime":683.234,"body":"You're saying something that is like stirring like a memory in me and I can't really quite"},{"startTime":676.452,"endTime":683.234,"body":"remember."},{"startTime":683.534,"endTime":690.6160000000001,"body":"remember the whole thing about how it's like, they make a big deal about it's the gift of"},{"startTime":683.534,"endTime":690.6160000000001,"body":"the Holy Ghost, not the,"},{"startTime":691.7660000000001,"endTime":693.258,"body":"Presence of the Holy Ghost."},{"startTime":693.258,"endTime":694.5200000000001,"body":"that like a whole thing?"},{"startTime":694.5200000000001,"endTime":696.523,"body":"Did you guys have to go through that whole thing?"},{"startTime":696.523,"endTime":700.778,"body":"it's like, remember boys and girls, you're getting the gift of the Holy Ghost."},{"startTime":700.9960000000001,"endTime":706.986,"body":"Because it was a, the word was like presidents and it was like presidents, but it wasn't"},{"startTime":700.9960000000001,"endTime":706.986,"body":"president."},{"startTime":707.1080000000001,"endTime":709.642,"body":"It was like a weird word that I'm like, they shouldn't be teaching this to kids."},{"startTime":709.642,"endTime":711.154,"body":"We don't know what this means."},{"startTime":712.157,"endTime":713.739,"body":"What is presidents?"},{"startTime":713.8330000000001,"endTime":717.2650000000001,"body":"they make a whole thing about like, it's not, it's not presence."},{"startTime":717.2650000000001,"endTime":717.736,"body":"It's not."},{"startTime":717.736,"endTime":722.529,"body":"So, you know, then your, your, your eight year old brain is going into like gifts,"},{"startTime":717.736,"endTime":722.529,"body":"presence."},{"startTime":722.529,"endTime":723.6500000000001,"body":"I'll take what I can get."},{"startTime":723.6500000000001,"endTime":724.88,"body":"Come on now."},{"startTime":724.96,"endTime":734.316,"body":"But like they do, they make a whole thing about like, you're getting the gift of the Holy"},{"startTime":724.96,"endTime":734.316,"body":"ghost, but you have to remain worthy for the, for the actual presence of the Holy ghost."},{"startTime":734.316,"endTime":735.9970000000001,"body":"Is that a thing or am I making that shit up?"},{"startTime":735.9970000000001,"endTime":736.928,"body":"I might be making that up."},{"startTime":736.928,"endTime":738.5200000000001,"body":"no, that is ringing bells."},{"startTime":738.5200000000001,"endTime":742.6930000000001,"body":"Cause I remember also sitting and getting that talk and being and not understanding the"},{"startTime":738.5200000000001,"endTime":742.6930000000001,"body":"word."},{"startTime":742.754,"endTime":752.773,"body":"I still, can't Like that you, yeah, I still don't understand the concept, but you know,"},{"startTime":742.754,"endTime":752.773,"body":"they just sent it out in an email and every church on the planet did the same lesson that"},{"startTime":752.773,"endTime":754.5840000000001,"body":"Sunday probably."},{"startTime":754.5840000000001,"endTime":755.979,"body":"So there's that."},{"startTime":755.979,"endTime":758.791,"body":"That shit's been around since..."},{"startTime":759.292,"endTime":763.7750000000001,"body":"I mean, don't want to date me and Mike, but we got baptized in the 80s."},{"startTime":764.062,"endTime":765.3860000000001,"body":"That's alright."},{"startTime":766.9010000000001,"endTime":768.979,"body":"The late eighties, the way, for those."},{"startTime":770.836,"endTime":772.053,"body":"Fair enough."},{"startTime":774.344,"endTime":777.677,"body":"sorry, I had to clear my throat there, but it's interesting how deep this shit goes."},{"startTime":777.677,"endTime":785.783,"body":"And maybe Carly, this kind of, spins us into, cause I think when we were chatting earlier"},{"startTime":777.677,"endTime":785.783,"body":"this week, we wanted to kind of talk about like, well, I don't know, we'll get there, but"},{"startTime":785.783,"endTime":787.855,"body":"self and connecting to the self and stuff."},{"startTime":787.855,"endTime":800.7760000000001,"body":"like, even, even recently in my last therapy session, I was walking through a dream and in"},{"startTime":787.855,"endTime":800.7760000000001,"body":"the dream, it was this feeling like if I, because I did something wrong, I wouldn't be"},{"startTime":800.7760000000001,"endTime":802.803,"body":"able to connect with this part of myself."},{"startTime":802.803,"endTime":809.7560000000001,"body":"anymore that I'd done something and betrayed this part of myself and now this part of"},{"startTime":802.803,"endTime":809.7560000000001,"body":"myself won't connect with me anymore."},{"startTime":809.7560000000001,"endTime":810.736,"body":"And I'm just thinking of that."},{"startTime":810.736,"endTime":812.677,"body":"Well, of course that runs deep at eight years old."},{"startTime":812.677,"endTime":813.928,"body":"I mean, because that's what it is."},{"startTime":813.928,"endTime":815.4680000000001,"body":"The Holy Ghost is your intuition."},{"startTime":815.4680000000001,"endTime":823.231,"body":"It's a still small voice you listen to when you're meditating or on plant medicine or just"},{"startTime":815.4680000000001,"endTime":823.231,"body":"walking throughout the day and just trusting your gut."},{"startTime":823.5310000000001,"endTime":831.034,"body":"And they separate you from that and tell you, you have to be worthy to feel that, to feel"},{"startTime":823.5310000000001,"endTime":831.034,"body":"this part of you."},{"startTime":831.215,"endTime":832.695,"body":"And here I am."},{"startTime":833.0350000000001,"endTime":834.3950000000001,"body":"So I will date myself here."},{"startTime":834.3950000000001,"endTime":836.075,"body":"am at 44 years old."},{"startTime":836.075,"endTime":841.4350000000001,"body":"So it's been 30, I handed about 36 years since I've been baptized."},{"startTime":841.955,"endTime":852.707,"body":"And I still am struggling with this concept that I need to live a certain way in order to"},{"startTime":841.955,"endTime":852.707,"body":"connect with me."},{"startTime":853.552,"endTime":859.4140000000001,"body":"my gosh, is my absolute tyranny on my life right now."},{"startTime":859.4140000000001,"endTime":872.4970000000001,"body":"Absolute tyranny of with that in the self and this inner voice and knowing that that's"},{"startTime":859.4140000000001,"endTime":872.4970000000001,"body":"already there predisposed inside of you and it is unconditional and it is unpunishing."},{"startTime":872.4970000000001,"endTime":875.397,"body":"It is only there to love you and to guide you."},{"startTime":875.738,"endTime":881.399,"body":"And then trying to figure out which voice is that real voice."},{"startTime":881.522,"endTime":884.624,"body":"through again, think being so indoctrinated."},{"startTime":888.3050000000001,"endTime":889.676,"body":"sorry, did I just break up?"},{"startTime":890.9670000000001,"endTime":893.057,"body":"sorry."},{"startTime":893.738,"endTime":906.885,"body":"With like, your only salvation and your only happiness is going to come from an exterior"},{"startTime":893.738,"endTime":906.885,"body":"source that you have to essentially lay down all of your autonomy for."},{"startTime":906.885,"endTime":911.2270000000001,"body":"And you have to do it with grace and with happiness and with a smile on your face."},{"startTime":911.388,"endTime":916.5400000000001,"body":"in the midst of an understanding, will you find your answer?"},{"startTime":917.4440000000001,"endTime":927.508,"body":"And I think I've been going through kind of this big spiritual journey this last year and"},{"startTime":917.4440000000001,"endTime":927.508,"body":"something that's been so upsetting for me, I don't know how well you two will relate to"},{"startTime":927.508,"endTime":943.9240000000001,"body":"this, but I feel like going through an actual spiritual awakening and journey, I have"},{"startTime":927.508,"endTime":943.9240000000001,"body":"realized how close, how sickeningly close Mormonism is on that line of being so close to"},{"startTime":943.9240000000001,"endTime":947.205,"body":"actual genuine spirituality."},{"startTime":947.5440000000001,"endTime":947.8340000000001,"body":"you."},{"startTime":947.8340000000001,"endTime":953.774,"body":"all of the best parts and just slightly twisted it into the wrong thing."},{"startTime":953.994,"endTime":959.4340000000001,"body":"So that for me as, yeah, so that for me is like a what, recovering Mormon."},{"startTime":959.4340000000001,"endTime":966.6740000000001,"body":"Even though I never really believed in the church or gave it my all, I've seen enough"},{"startTime":959.4340000000001,"endTime":966.6740000000001,"body":"people who've given it their all and have crashed and burned."},{"startTime":966.6740000000001,"endTime":973.542,"body":"And in this whole discovering self thing, I realized how much, you know, 10 years, I was"},{"startTime":966.6740000000001,"endTime":973.542,"body":"still a kid, but."},{"startTime":973.542,"endTime":976.4530000000001,"body":"All of that was still getting drilled into me every Sunday."},{"startTime":976.4530000000001,"endTime":981.4630000000001,"body":"All my neighbors, everybody in the same community, we're all learning the same thing on"},{"startTime":976.4530000000001,"endTime":981.4630000000001,"body":"that same frequency."},{"startTime":981.4630000000001,"endTime":992.927,"body":"I had no idea that even though I didn't believe in something for myself, how much it could"},{"startTime":981.4630000000001,"endTime":992.927,"body":"come up in my adult life and ring true for me, even though I never agreed to it."},{"startTime":992.927,"endTime":994.8470000000001,"body":"I find that to be very odd."},{"startTime":995.028,"endTime":1001.269,"body":"So in this time that I'm in right now of like struggling with this self and with"},{"startTime":995.028,"endTime":1001.269,"body":"looking..."},{"startTime":1001.721,"endTime":1011.0310000000001,"body":"for this intuition and in the coexistence of those two, of myself and this other, and the"},{"startTime":1001.721,"endTime":1011.0310000000001,"body":"perspective of the vice versa."},{"startTime":1011.6120000000001,"endTime":1015.8760000000001,"body":"And it's been so hard for me to hold the truth..."},{"startTime":1016.1370000000001,"endTime":1016.678,"body":"sorry."},{"startTime":1016.678,"endTime":1018.019,"body":"Where did you lose me?"},{"startTime":1018.4000000000001,"endTime":1018.753,"body":"shoot."},{"startTime":1018.753,"endTime":1024.124,"body":"the perspective, you say you're this perspective of and then you kind of and you kind of"},{"startTime":1018.753,"endTime":1024.124,"body":"went blank for a minute there."},{"startTime":1024.252,"endTime":1026.335,"body":"shoot, sorry about that."},{"startTime":1026.918,"endTime":1030.655,"body":"shoot, I forgot my track, but essentially -"},{"startTime":1030.655,"endTime":1038.913,"body":"you're talking about that perspective of of trying to I guess I think you're talking about"},{"startTime":1030.655,"endTime":1038.913,"body":"like identifying what's yours and what's external."},{"startTime":1038.913,"endTime":1039.063,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1039.063,"endTime":1040.946,"body":"You're talking about that intuition part."},{"startTime":1040.947,"endTime":1054.8509999999999,"body":"Right, and like knowing that there is a reaching and there is a listening and there is a"},{"startTime":1040.947,"endTime":1054.8509999999999,"body":"silence and a hope and a belief, but if that is not compartmentalized and compacted into"},{"startTime":1054.8509999999999,"endTime":1060.933,"body":"something that can be utilized specifically, it's going to go absolutely nowhere."},{"startTime":1060.933,"endTime":1068.821,"body":"And I think everyone is starving for direction and for reason."},{"startTime":1068.821,"endTime":1070.532,"body":"and for peace."},{"startTime":1070.912,"endTime":1085.1190000000001,"body":"And I think where Mormonism gets me upset is the best word is just knowing that they've"},{"startTime":1070.912,"endTime":1085.1190000000001,"body":"taken a concept that is so beautiful and so fragile in that."},{"startTime":1085.72,"endTime":1091.443,"body":"And they've taken a chunk and essentially glass blown it and heated it up and turned it"},{"startTime":1085.72,"endTime":1091.443,"body":"into something different."},{"startTime":1091.563,"endTime":1093.4940000000001,"body":"And it's so, so, so close."},{"startTime":1093.4940000000001,"endTime":1095.805,"body":"Like all of the messages of Mormonism."},{"startTime":1095.805,"endTime":1097.368,"body":"I've been realizing this."},{"startTime":1097.368,"endTime":1101.141,"body":"are so close to the real thing."},{"startTime":1101.141,"endTime":1103.073,"body":"So of course it lights people up."},{"startTime":1103.073,"endTime":1114.7930000000001,"body":"Of course, like, everything is so close, but it's just the only problem is that it teaches"},{"startTime":1103.073,"endTime":1114.7930000000001,"body":"you that what you're supposed to be looking for and how you're going to find it is listed"},{"startTime":1114.7930000000001,"endTime":1120.057,"body":"in a forever set of rules that will never change."},{"startTime":1120.198,"endTime":1123.159,"body":"And if you find those things, you'll get them."},{"startTime":1123.48,"endTime":1124.781,"body":"And I think..."},{"startTime":1125.353,"endTime":1133.65,"body":"starting at eight years old, you follow all these rules, even though you don't even know"},{"startTime":1125.353,"endTime":1133.65,"body":"you're following the rules, and you think you're gonna get something, and you don't, no"},{"startTime":1133.65,"endTime":1134.471,"body":"matter what it is."},{"startTime":1134.471,"endTime":1142.607,"body":"I think from that moment on, whether you realize it or not, because I didn't even really"},{"startTime":1134.471,"endTime":1142.607,"body":"fully believe it, but I wanted to, because you're a kid and you want to believe, you know?"},{"startTime":1142.848,"endTime":1151.415,"body":"But I think from that moment on, it just kind of sparks that question of, well, I don't"},{"startTime":1142.848,"endTime":1151.415,"body":"know."},{"startTime":1151.695,"endTime":1153.156,"body":"All of the questions."},{"startTime":1155.084,"endTime":1167.108,"body":"Yeah, I mean, that's it's interesting that this is coming up so early in the conversation"},{"startTime":1155.084,"endTime":1167.108,"body":"because it's it's right in line with I just finished this book called The Mountain is You."},{"startTime":1167.188,"endTime":1170.3790000000001,"body":"And I can't remember the name of the lady who wrote it, but it's a great book."},{"startTime":1170.3790000000001,"endTime":1172.509,"body":"I would recommend anybody out there read it."},{"startTime":1172.589,"endTime":1175.14,"body":"But it kind of goes along this."},{"startTime":1175.14,"endTime":1181.642,"body":"She does talk about, you know, we are I mean, mean, the whole point of the book is"},{"startTime":1175.14,"endTime":1181.642,"body":"essentially like."},{"startTime":1181.962,"endTime":1186.473,"body":"We are our own stumbling block a lot of times."},{"startTime":1186.473,"endTime":1196.616,"body":"then she uses examples of things like third party spirituality, you know, where we"},{"startTime":1186.473,"endTime":1196.616,"body":"basically create a middleman in the situation we're talking about."},{"startTime":1196.616,"endTime":1203.298,"body":"We call it the Holy Ghost, you know, where we're creating this middleman conduit to the"},{"startTime":1196.616,"endTime":1203.298,"body":"divine."},{"startTime":1204.3780000000002,"endTime":1210.27,"body":"But then she also talks about how New Age, we call it"},{"startTime":1211.284,"endTime":1220.199,"body":"Intuition and she's like intuition is this great thing and our gut, know, she talks about"},{"startTime":1211.284,"endTime":1220.199,"body":"how it's like you talk about it being like, I got a gut feeling."},{"startTime":1220.199,"endTime":1227.713,"body":"She's like, well, there is a correlation between our gut bacteria and our brains."},{"startTime":1228.114,"endTime":1239.38,"body":"But she's like, also, that can be misleading because everyone's intuition is the sum of"},{"startTime":1228.114,"endTime":1239.38,"body":"the parts of their life experience of how to keep themselves safe."},{"startTime":1239.6280000000002,"endTime":1242.439,"body":"And so, know, Mike, I think we talk we talk on this podcast."},{"startTime":1242.439,"endTime":1245.1000000000001,"body":"We've had people on the podcast talk about the power of intuition."},{"startTime":1245.1000000000001,"endTime":1247.0910000000001,"body":"And she's not discounting in this book."},{"startTime":1247.0910000000001,"endTime":1262.607,"body":"She's not discounting intuition, but she's also making the point that we can leave the"},{"startTime":1247.0910000000001,"endTime":1262.607,"body":"door open for our intuition simply being an extension of our trauma response, of what we"},{"startTime":1262.607,"endTime":1269.164,"body":"have learned, what what what dangers to look out for, what stimuli to look out for."},{"startTime":1269.164,"endTime":1276.499,"body":"that give us that still small voice or that gut feeling or that deep reaction."},{"startTime":1276.499,"endTime":1284.2350000000001,"body":"And she's like, just know that sometimes your intuition is wrong."},{"startTime":1284.2350000000001,"endTime":1298.444,"body":"it's not that it's a game of right and wrong, but your intuition is not a sixth sense that"},{"startTime":1284.2350000000001,"endTime":1298.444,"body":"is telling you the intentions of other people or what"},{"startTime":1298.444,"endTime":1303.615,"body":"you know, card is going to come next on the deck or that there's a train coming down the"},{"startTime":1298.444,"endTime":1303.615,"body":"track."},{"startTime":1303.615,"endTime":1309.987,"body":"Like that's that's all external information that our intuition cannot know because we"},{"startTime":1303.615,"endTime":1309.987,"body":"don't have ESP."},{"startTime":1309.987,"endTime":1320.94,"body":"But it's about it's more about listening to our gut to learn more about what kind of"},{"startTime":1309.987,"endTime":1320.94,"body":"triggers we have and what kind of trauma response we have and how we react to that shit."},{"startTime":1320.94,"endTime":1324.191,"body":"And I was like, holy shit, I've never even I've never even thought about it this way."},{"startTime":1324.191,"endTime":1328.0720000000001,"body":"I've always just been like, the Mormon church tried to"},{"startTime":1328.3120000000001,"endTime":1331.856,"body":"tried to bastardize my intuition and steal it from me."},{"startTime":1331.856,"endTime":1340.526,"body":"And now I'm sitting here going, everyone's trying to take away my my fucking connection to"},{"startTime":1331.856,"endTime":1340.526,"body":"myself."},{"startTime":1340.547,"endTime":1342.048,"body":"If that makes any kind of sense."},{"startTime":1342.048,"endTime":1349.096,"body":"Even my trauma responses are trying to take away from my connection to self, yeah."},{"startTime":1349.204,"endTime":1350.479,"body":"Why is that, Doug?"},{"startTime":1352.018,"endTime":1355.93,"body":"I think the reason I think the reason for that is the survival mechanism."},{"startTime":1356.411,"endTime":1365.978,"body":"I think each one of us has learned each one of us got to where we are right now because we"},{"startTime":1356.411,"endTime":1365.978,"body":"trust our survival, our survival mechanisms."},{"startTime":1365.978,"endTime":1376.104,"body":"Even even those of us who have gone through the most horrible, terrible, traumatic"},{"startTime":1365.978,"endTime":1376.104,"body":"experiences to those of us who have not had all that heavy of trauma."},{"startTime":1376.164,"endTime":1381.784,"body":"We are where we are because we've we've learned to rely on our internal"},{"startTime":1381.784,"endTime":1383.886,"body":"clock, our internal survival mechanism."},{"startTime":1383.886,"endTime":1389.13,"body":"So for me, it's like, wow, I've got to rethink even what that is."},{"startTime":1389.13,"endTime":1391.982,"body":"Is that a response to where I recognize danger?"},{"startTime":1391.982,"endTime":1406.5040000000001,"body":"Or is that me trying to give third party ESP qualities like like like like like like the"},{"startTime":1391.982,"endTime":1406.5040000000001,"body":"ability to read minds or the ability to, you know, guess the lottery numbers?"},{"startTime":1406.544,"endTime":1411.596,"body":"Is that me still outsourcing my my meanness?"},{"startTime":1411.596,"endTime":1412.347,"body":"that makes any sense."},{"startTime":1412.347,"endTime":1416.945,"body":"I think it does make sense to me, but I also just read that book."},{"startTime":1417.643,"endTime":1418.403,"body":"No, makes sense."},{"startTime":1418.403,"endTime":1420.084,"body":"So it reminds me."},{"startTime":1420.084,"endTime":1422.045,"body":"So I even was having a conversation."},{"startTime":1422.045,"endTime":1428.887,"body":"Someone asked me recently about like this, the unconscious and if it or the subconscious."},{"startTime":1428.887,"endTime":1435.809,"body":"And if you, if, if it's good to reprogram it, like to reprogram and to rechange our"},{"startTime":1428.887,"endTime":1435.809,"body":"subconscious."},{"startTime":1436.6290000000001,"endTime":1442.383,"body":"And my response was a little bit of both because I think what we're talking to is, the"},{"startTime":1436.6290000000001,"endTime":1442.383,"body":"different layers to it all."},{"startTime":1442.383,"endTime":1443.7440000000001,"body":"And it comes up in dreams."},{"startTime":1443.7440000000001,"endTime":1444.775,"body":"Doug, I think you shared a dream with me."},{"startTime":1444.775,"endTime":1445.605,"body":"We don't have to get into the dream."},{"startTime":1445.605,"endTime":1449.1680000000001,"body":"You shared a dream with me recently where there was security guards or something."},{"startTime":1449.3880000000001,"endTime":1453.501,"body":"And usually, you know, a dream with security guards or alarm system is talking about what"},{"startTime":1449.3880000000001,"endTime":1453.501,"body":"you're talking about."},{"startTime":1453.501,"endTime":1465.67,"body":"It's those subconscious programings that we've developed that one, at one point in time,"},{"startTime":1453.501,"endTime":1465.67,"body":"it was for our protection, whether physical protection or psychological protection, the"},{"startTime":1465.67,"endTime":1470.143,"body":"psyche splits to protect us from those really traumatic events."},{"startTime":1470.692,"endTime":1476.086,"body":"And then sets up like a guard there to be like, no, we're not, we knew what happened last"},{"startTime":1470.692,"endTime":1476.086,"body":"time."},{"startTime":1476.086,"endTime":1478.497,"body":"This part of us was shown."},{"startTime":1478.497,"endTime":1479.999,"body":"We're going to put a protection in there."},{"startTime":1479.999,"endTime":1486.584,"body":"And so it's like protecting you from yourself, from what you would call maybe your diamond"},{"startTime":1479.999,"endTime":1486.584,"body":"or your deeper self, right?"},{"startTime":1486.584,"endTime":1496.711,"body":"So there's like that deeper instinctual self that, that is probably sitting below those"},{"startTime":1486.584,"endTime":1496.711,"body":"programmed responses, but"},{"startTime":1496.963,"endTime":1508.612,"body":"and which is one of the reasons why psychedelics is so effective because is when we are"},{"startTime":1496.963,"endTime":1508.612,"body":"on, you know, mushrooms, MDMA, stuff like that, it puts those little like, security guards"},{"startTime":1508.612,"endTime":1510.7740000000001,"body":"to sleep or something for a minute."},{"startTime":1510.7740000000001,"endTime":1515.6970000000001,"body":"So you can really get access to that part that is so hard to get access to."},{"startTime":1515.957,"endTime":1518.3790000000001,"body":"And so I think it's a little bit of both in that way."},{"startTime":1518.3790000000001,"endTime":1523.733,"body":"And so my response to the person was like, yeah, I think to, help retrain those."},{"startTime":1523.733,"endTime":1525.9940000000001,"body":"parts to learn that like, look, I am safe."},{"startTime":1525.9940000000001,"endTime":1527.645,"body":"I don't need this protection anymore."},{"startTime":1527.645,"endTime":1529.1860000000001,"body":"Thank you for your service."},{"startTime":1529.1860000000001,"endTime":1533.848,"body":"Go retire, go, go, go do something else with your energy."},{"startTime":1534.249,"endTime":1543.2530000000002,"body":"Take some reprogramming and it takes us getting back into those liminal spaces where the,"},{"startTime":1534.249,"endTime":1543.2530000000002,"body":"cause when, you know, the trauma happened, we were disassociated."},{"startTime":1543.334,"endTime":1548.9370000000001,"body":"It's like, we have to kind of get back into those liminal spaces to rewire those parts."},{"startTime":1549.877,"endTime":1552.719,"body":"But then it gets to, okay."},{"startTime":1554.0430000000001,"endTime":1557.624,"body":"well, do we want to rewire the deeper part?"},{"startTime":1557.624,"endTime":1558.834,"body":"And I'm like, there's no rewire."},{"startTime":1558.834,"endTime":1561.4650000000001,"body":"It's like, you don't even want to rewire."},{"startTime":1561.4650000000001,"endTime":1563.2060000000001,"body":"mean, that's, that's your, that's you."},{"startTime":1563.2060000000001,"endTime":1564.746,"body":"That's your like higher self."},{"startTime":1564.746,"endTime":1567.247,"body":"That's your, your, your, your diamond."},{"startTime":1567.247,"endTime":1569.348,"body":"You're, you want to listen to that part."},{"startTime":1569.348,"endTime":1575.5900000000001,"body":"That's where it gets almost religious in reverse, where it's like, that's the part that"},{"startTime":1569.348,"endTime":1575.5900000000001,"body":"you should worship."},{"startTime":1575.5900000000001,"endTime":1579.371,"body":"Cause it's the part of you that like, that's the divine in you."},{"startTime":1585.672,"endTime":1586.163,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1586.163,"endTime":1594.689,"body":"But then I think again, people have such a hard time deciphering what is that higher self"},{"startTime":1586.163,"endTime":1594.689,"body":"voice and what is my egoic voice and who is speaking to me and how can I tell the"},{"startTime":1594.689,"endTime":1595.6390000000001,"body":"difference?"},{"startTime":1598.515,"endTime":1606.067,"body":"And if it's just a trauma response that I'm thinking is, this is my higher self saying a"},{"startTime":1598.515,"endTime":1606.067,"body":"certain thing."},{"startTime":1606.201,"endTime":1610.515,"body":"Well, first things first, I mean, everything's a trauma response, right?"},{"startTime":1610.515,"endTime":1618.541,"body":"Everything that we experience is a response going, know this, or I always tell my friends"},{"startTime":1610.515,"endTime":1618.541,"body":"when I walk around every day, it's like everything you're looking at is, is this me or is"},{"startTime":1618.541,"endTime":1619.722,"body":"this not me?"},{"startTime":1619.8020000000001,"endTime":1622.284,"body":"And why is this me or why is this not me?"},{"startTime":1622.325,"endTime":1623.826,"body":"And that is essentially trauma."},{"startTime":1623.826,"endTime":1625.4070000000002,"body":"And trauma doesn't always have to be bad."},{"startTime":1625.4070000000002,"endTime":1629.21,"body":"Trauma is just something that got stored in your nervous system."},{"startTime":1629.671,"endTime":1635.171,"body":"The way I look at you go and the soul in this higher self, I guess you guys were"},{"startTime":1629.671,"endTime":1635.171,"body":"wondering."},{"startTime":1635.171,"endTime":1636.242,"body":"share this with you guys."},{"startTime":1636.242,"endTime":1637.866,"body":"I don't want to tell somebody."},{"startTime":1637.866,"endTime":1640.079,"body":"I take a moment."},{"startTime":1650.615,"endTime":1662.919,"body":"The way I see the ego versus what I call the soul or the higher self is essentially"},{"startTime":1650.615,"endTime":1662.919,"body":"everyone is born with this pillar inside of their chests that is just lit up and it is God"},{"startTime":1662.919,"endTime":1666.49,"body":"and it has all of your predisposeds inside of it."},{"startTime":1666.49,"endTime":1674.5620000000001,"body":"So everything that makes you you, whether you're an introvert or not, whether you like to"},{"startTime":1666.49,"endTime":1674.5620000000001,"body":"paint or you like to do poetry or all the things that you came out of the womb and"},{"startTime":1674.5620000000001,"endTime":1678.093,"body":"suddenly you just knew what lit you up and it was obvious."},{"startTime":1678.519,"endTime":1688.1860000000001,"body":"Things that can never be taken from you, but can be unagreed upon and shaded and forgotten"},{"startTime":1678.519,"endTime":1688.1860000000001,"body":"about or buried or crucified, essentially."},{"startTime":1688.1860000000001,"endTime":1702.795,"body":"And everything that we learn throughout our lives from how to pick up a fork to how to"},{"startTime":1688.1860000000001,"endTime":1702.795,"body":"definitely not do something is a fingerprint or a press into that pillar that makes us who"},{"startTime":1702.795,"endTime":1703.746,"body":"we are."},{"startTime":1703.9460000000001,"endTime":1706.848,"body":"And the way that I view it is that we go through"},{"startTime":1706.8780000000002,"endTime":1710.201,"body":"this first portion of our lives, which is like pre -adulthood, right?"},{"startTime":1710.201,"endTime":1717.116,"body":"Where we were making all these agreements and we're getting thrown around like rag dolls"},{"startTime":1710.201,"endTime":1717.116,"body":"and we're unable to think about what autonomy is or care about it."},{"startTime":1717.257,"endTime":1722.5710000000001,"body":"And we get all these fingerprints, like millions every single day that are telling us who"},{"startTime":1717.257,"endTime":1722.5710000000001,"body":"we are."},{"startTime":1722.5710000000001,"endTime":1727.925,"body":"And we do that and do that and do that until one day we get told we have to be adults."},{"startTime":1728.826,"endTime":1735.968,"body":"And at that moment we can either continue forward and keep our heads down and keep"},{"startTime":1728.826,"endTime":1735.968,"body":"printing or"},{"startTime":1735.968,"endTime":1740.057,"body":"we can pause and turn back and see who we've become so far."},{"startTime":1745.181,"endTime":1753.261,"body":"I think for me, there was a time that I wondered how could I possibly connect with..."},{"startTime":1768.009,"endTime":1770.458,"body":"Are you thinking or did you revolution?"},{"startTime":1774.0910000000001,"endTime":1775.933,"body":"Okay, maybe we lost her for a second."},{"startTime":1776.836,"endTime":1779.219,"body":"It's hard to tell without seeing the video."},{"startTime":1780.723,"endTime":1783.338,"body":"Before she comes back on, like yeah, what vibe she comes back on."},{"startTime":1783.338,"endTime":1785.291,"body":"I'm loving this."},{"startTime":1785.733,"endTime":1787.515,"body":"Looks like we dropped her for a second."},{"startTime":1792.573,"endTime":1793.493,"body":"I really like that."},{"startTime":1793.493,"endTime":1803.586,"body":"I really like that imagery of a of a pillar of the soul that is increasingly riddled with"},{"startTime":1793.493,"endTime":1803.586,"body":"our own fingerprints."},{"startTime":1803.586,"endTime":1804.816,"body":"You know what I mean?"},{"startTime":1804.856,"endTime":1809.747,"body":"Like in those fingerprints are sort of like the the treasure map."},{"startTime":1809.747,"endTime":1817.559,"body":"Like the fingerprints are sort of like the the identity, they're sort of like are unique."},{"startTime":1817.559,"endTime":1820.18,"body":"Just like every single fingerprint is unique."},{"startTime":1820.9180000000001,"endTime":1823.297,"body":"So is where these fingerprints show up on."},{"startTime":1823.297,"endTime":1826.386,"body":"I like that imagery of the pillar of the soul."},{"startTime":1830.319,"endTime":1833.404,"body":"it's, making me realize just how hard it is to unpack all this."},{"startTime":1834.247,"endTime":1839.678,"body":"you know, it, it's also why, she's back."},{"startTime":1839.678,"endTime":1839.968,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":1839.968,"endTime":1840.382,"body":"Good."},{"startTime":1840.382,"endTime":1841.164,"body":"she is."},{"startTime":1841.669,"endTime":1843.5130000000001,"body":"That was the worst timing ever."},{"startTime":1843.5130000000001,"endTime":1844.905,"body":"I'm so sorry."},{"startTime":1845.097,"endTime":1846.298,"body":"my God."},{"startTime":1846.761,"endTime":1847.7530000000002,"body":"Hello."},{"startTime":1847.7530000000002,"endTime":1851.255,"body":"we we take the approach here that all is welcome."},{"startTime":1851.255,"endTime":1854.6480000000001,"body":"And so if it happened, it happened."},{"startTime":1854.6480000000001,"endTime":1856.1290000000001,"body":"And that's what it happened for."},{"startTime":1856.1290000000001,"endTime":1856.964,"body":"You know what I mean?"},{"startTime":1856.964,"endTime":1870.7920000000001,"body":"you were gone, we were complementing the imagery of the the pillar of the soul with these"},{"startTime":1856.964,"endTime":1870.7920000000001,"body":"fingerprints scattered throughout it that are reflections of each individual experience or"},{"startTime":1871.713,"endTime":1875.145,"body":"any sort of like piece of information that informs our soul."},{"startTime":1875.145,"endTime":1876.025,"body":"just I love that."},{"startTime":1876.025,"endTime":1877.876,"body":"I love that imagery so much."},{"startTime":1878.137,"endTime":1878.769,"body":"Thank you."},{"startTime":1878.769,"endTime":1887.512,"body":"going to say real quick, and it was one of the reasons why I'm just going to like, give a"},{"startTime":1878.769,"endTime":1887.512,"body":"quick plug to dreams again here, because that's what I love about working with dreams is"},{"startTime":1887.512,"endTime":1890.7530000000002,"body":"because I think the dreams image that."},{"startTime":1890.7530000000002,"endTime":1898.006,"body":"So when you're working with the dream, the different parts in the dream often represent"},{"startTime":1890.7530000000002,"endTime":1898.006,"body":"these different parts we're talking about, like whether it's someone who's there and"},{"startTime":1898.006,"endTime":1901.4470000000001,"body":"protecting and trying to guard from a deeper self."},{"startTime":1901.6290000000001,"endTime":1907.5430000000001,"body":"It might be a deeper self that you're afraid of that's coming up in the form of like a"},{"startTime":1901.6290000000001,"endTime":1907.5430000000001,"body":"vampire or something because your ego is afraid of it."},{"startTime":1907.5430000000001,"endTime":1920.432,"body":"But you can kind of image the complex and help determine, this, my higher, my deeper self,"},{"startTime":1907.5430000000001,"endTime":1920.432,"body":"the pillar stripped of the fingerprints is wanting this."},{"startTime":1921.093,"endTime":1924.005,"body":"And you can kind of see the different fingerprints."},{"startTime":1924.005,"endTime":1927.239,"body":"Anyway, just a little plug for dreams again."},{"startTime":1927.239,"endTime":1929.483,"body":"I think I like that."},{"startTime":1930.923,"endTime":1933.366,"body":"because I don't talk about them enough on this podcast."},{"startTime":1933.366,"endTime":1936.704,"body":"Our resident dream analysis or analyst, I guess."},{"startTime":1938.415,"endTime":1939.588,"body":"Amazing."},{"startTime":1939.882,"endTime":1944.99,"body":"Anyway, Carly, please continue if you kind of remember where you left off."},{"startTime":1945.219,"endTime":1952.115,"body":"my gosh, it's, I did the thing where in the chaos of trying to get back on, I'm like,"},{"startTime":1945.219,"endTime":1952.115,"body":"okay, my train of thoughts leaving and I need to get it back."},{"startTime":1952.115,"endTime":1953.506,"body":"And then I came back on and here we are."},{"startTime":1953.506,"endTime":1954.557,"body":"And I don't know where it is."},{"startTime":1954.557,"endTime":1958.0,"body":"okay, I'm trying to think."},{"startTime":1958.0,"endTime":1964.585,"body":"I have so many things that I could talk about that are exactly on this topic regarding the"},{"startTime":1958.0,"endTime":1964.585,"body":"nervous system."},{"startTime":1967.0710000000001,"endTime":1969.3980000000001,"body":"What feels most alive for you with it?"},{"startTime":1970.305,"endTime":1972.285,"body":"What feels most exciting to talk about?"},{"startTime":1972.285,"endTime":1973.855,"body":"Everything feels exciting, that's the problem."},{"startTime":1973.855,"endTime":1976.925,"body":"I had a caffeinated decaf coffee."},{"startTime":1976.925,"endTime":1978.9850000000001,"body":"It shouldn't have happened."},{"startTime":1979.845,"endTime":1986.9950000000001,"body":"It's 9 p What do want to chit chat with you guys about?"},{"startTime":1986.9950000000001,"endTime":1988.948,"body":"I have a story, do you want to hear it?"},{"startTime":1989.144,"endTime":1989.688,"body":"Please."},{"startTime":1989.688,"endTime":1990.856,"body":"love stories."},{"startTime":1990.9460000000001,"endTime":1993.038,"body":"Alright."},{"startTime":1993.499,"endTime":1994.049,"body":"Perfect."},{"startTime":1994.049,"endTime":2000.065,"body":"I have a story and I would love to get you guys' two cents and I'm going to tell you as"},{"startTime":1994.049,"endTime":2000.065,"body":"quickly as possible."},{"startTime":2000.982,"endTime":2002.934,"body":"you know what, if this story needs time, we"},{"startTime":2002.934,"endTime":2005.336,"body":"If it needs to meander, we accept."},{"startTime":2005.336,"endTime":2010.1380000000001,"body":"Alright, alright, alright, alright, let's see, let's get into it and we'll see how far we"},{"startTime":2005.336,"endTime":2010.1380000000001,"body":"get, okay?"},{"startTime":2011.979,"endTime":2013.339,"body":"Dun dun."},{"startTime":2013.339,"endTime":2020.041,"body":"Alright, so September of last year, something weird happened to me."},{"startTime":2021.182,"endTime":2026.2640000000001,"body":"And I want to say I don't know exactly what it was, but I think that I do."},{"startTime":2026.644,"endTime":2034.727,"body":"So I live downtown, I have an east -facing building and it had the best view of Salt Lake"},{"startTime":2026.644,"endTime":2034.727,"body":"in the world."},{"startTime":2034.777,"endTime":2038.4080000000001,"body":"And I've been here for five or six years and I've loved it and I've admired it."},{"startTime":2038.508,"endTime":2042.6090000000002,"body":"But I knew they were going to be building this big, huge building over my view."},{"startTime":2042.6090000000002,"endTime":2047.89,"body":"And I told myself two years ago, whenever they built that building, I was going to move."},{"startTime":2047.951,"endTime":2052.532,"body":"And you know, that was going to be my, I've been here long enough on to the next"},{"startTime":2047.951,"endTime":2052.532,"body":"adventure, whatever."},{"startTime":2052.9519999999998,"endTime":2054.543,"body":"And kind of put that in my back pocket."},{"startTime":2054.543,"endTime":2056.383,"body":"It wasn't like I wasn't making plans."},{"startTime":2056.383,"endTime":2060.094,"body":"I wasn't thinking about it even every so often, but it was just something I thought."},{"startTime":2060.094,"endTime":2063.895,"body":"And I knew that a wheel in the back of my mind had been created, right?"},{"startTime":2064.535,"endTime":2069.158,"body":"So, go about my life, years go by, this building's getting built."},{"startTime":2069.359,"endTime":2082.228,"body":"I go on a trip for a week and come back and I see that night when I get home that the"},{"startTime":2069.359,"endTime":2082.228,"body":"building had been built and I'm like, okay, cool, that's fine, normal day, normal life."},{"startTime":2082.228,"endTime":2091.6349999999998,"body":"I go to sleep, I wake up the next morning and I walk into my living room and I approach my"},{"startTime":2082.228,"endTime":2091.6349999999998,"body":"window."},{"startTime":2092.109,"endTime":2098.605,"body":"and kind of take in this view one more time, this kind of like new view, right, of this"},{"startTime":2092.109,"endTime":2098.605,"body":"big building that sucks."},{"startTime":2099.246,"endTime":2111.107,"body":"And I felt something in my body, kind of where I picture this now pillar kind of go, boom,"},{"startTime":2099.246,"endTime":2111.107,"body":"in my body."},{"startTime":2111.107,"endTime":2118.4269999999997,"body":"And it was just kind of like this little big, this big vibration and almost like a sound"},{"startTime":2111.107,"endTime":2118.4269999999997,"body":"and it felt like."},{"startTime":2118.4269999999997,"endTime":2121.0769999999998,"body":"something had clicked together and it went through my whole body."},{"startTime":2121.0769999999998,"endTime":2122.9469999999997,"body":"And I said, okay."},{"startTime":2122.9469999999997,"endTime":2126.9269999999997,"body":"And I went about my day and I had a pretty normal day."},{"startTime":2126.9269999999997,"endTime":2136.087,"body":"And the next day I go to a coffee shop one that I go to all of the time and I'm"},{"startTime":2126.9269999999997,"endTime":2136.087,"body":"journaling, whatever it's like 10 in the morning."},{"startTime":2137.147,"endTime":2141.7569999999996,"body":"Mind you, I have never looked into anything spiritual up until this point."},{"startTime":2141.7569999999996,"endTime":2142.747,"body":"This was last September."},{"startTime":2142.747,"endTime":2147.4869999999996,"body":"I had never attempted with my heart in it to meditate."},{"startTime":2147.877,"endTime":2152.85,"body":"hadn't prayed really ever, instead of moments where I thought that I was dying, as"},{"startTime":2147.877,"endTime":2152.85,"body":"everyone does."},{"startTime":2153.1699999999996,"endTime":2162.4559999999997,"body":"And I never felt called or pulled into that world at all."},{"startTime":2162.8559999999998,"endTime":2169.6899999999996,"body":"But I knew that I had spent that whole previous year in this kind of mindset of healing,"},{"startTime":2162.8559999999998,"endTime":2169.6899999999996,"body":"of being new."},{"startTime":2169.6899999999996,"endTime":2174.145,"body":"I'd gotten out of a relationship and individuality, and I knew that I'd been facilitating."},{"startTime":2174.145,"endTime":2183.319,"body":"myself and these selves and these fingerprints that were just mentioned, like I'd been"},{"startTime":2174.145,"endTime":2183.319,"body":"tending to those the last year and doing mindful work and I didn't know it, right?"},{"startTime":2183.319,"endTime":2184.93,"body":"I've been doing that, little did I know."},{"startTime":2184.93,"endTime":2188.461,"body":"Feel the gong, next day I'm journaling."},{"startTime":2188.942,"endTime":2194.8439999999996,"body":"All of the sudden, I am minding my own business and I wish you could see, I wish everyone"},{"startTime":2188.942,"endTime":2194.8439999999996,"body":"could see me."},{"startTime":2195.4249999999997,"endTime":2201.397,"body":"But I essentially get this feeling of getting thrown back."},{"startTime":2201.709,"endTime":2217.5499999999997,"body":"like almost like a metaphysical somersault into myself and everything goes black and I'm"},{"startTime":2201.709,"endTime":2217.5499999999997,"body":"suddenly in this black space with this like white void or be looking thing and it just"},{"startTime":2217.5499999999997,"endTime":2229.808,"body":"feels like outer space and it's this stillness and I never felt anything like it in my"},{"startTime":2217.5499999999997,"endTime":2229.808,"body":"entire life and I didn't I don't remember really thinking anything besides like having the"},{"startTime":2229.808,"endTime":2231.5789999999997,"body":"awareness and knowing that"},{"startTime":2231.5789999999997,"endTime":2232.939,"body":"I couldn't muster a thought."},{"startTime":2232.939,"endTime":2235.379,"body":"I was just supposed to sit."},{"startTime":2235.459,"endTime":2247.779,"body":"And that happened and I opened my eyes a little bit later, about 10 minutes, and it had"},{"startTime":2235.459,"endTime":2247.779,"body":"been an hour and 45 minutes that I had just been sitting there with my eyes closed."},{"startTime":2247.799,"endTime":2251.379,"body":"And I said, that's weird."},{"startTime":2251.819,"endTime":2260.7729999999997,"body":"And when about my day, again, I didn't really know what that was, but it struck a kind of"},{"startTime":2251.819,"endTime":2260.7729999999997,"body":"fear in me."},{"startTime":2260.7909999999997,"endTime":2270.0879999999997,"body":"It was, it didn't feel like your regular fear, it felt like that same place where that"},{"startTime":2260.7909999999997,"endTime":2270.0879999999997,"body":"pillar had aligned, it felt like something had come in and just kind of tapped on it and"},{"startTime":2270.0879999999997,"endTime":2271.5789999999997,"body":"was shaking it like a string."},{"startTime":2271.5789999999997,"endTime":2276.3619999999996,"body":"Just kind of like, like nervous system scared, you know?"},{"startTime":2276.7219999999998,"endTime":2279.144,"body":"So that happens to me."},{"startTime":2279.144,"endTime":2281.6859999999997,"body":"I think the rest of that day was normal."},{"startTime":2281.6859999999997,"endTime":2288.5299999999997,"body":"The next day I wake up and the first thought that popped into my head the second I woke up"},{"startTime":2281.6859999999997,"endTime":2288.5299999999997,"body":"was I was, I was,"},{"startTime":2289.379,"endTime":2295.823,"body":"thinking of a dream, the dream that I had just had, which for some reason was that I was"},{"startTime":2289.379,"endTime":2295.823,"body":"getting taken by a bunch of people."},{"startTime":2295.823,"endTime":2296.723,"body":"Don't know why that is."},{"startTime":2296.723,"endTime":2301.426,"body":"I would love for you to interpret that, Mike, but I was getting taken by a bunch of people"},{"startTime":2296.723,"endTime":2301.426,"body":"and it was bad."},{"startTime":2301.926,"endTime":2305.5879999999997,"body":"And I woke up and was like, I just had that dream."},{"startTime":2305.5879999999997,"endTime":2311.711,"body":"And the thought right after that was you need to book a trip to Europe right now."},{"startTime":2312.0919999999996,"endTime":2314.093,"body":"And I said, okay."},{"startTime":2314.093,"endTime":2317.5609999999997,"body":"And I pulled out my phone and I typed in"},{"startTime":2317.5609999999997,"endTime":2324.553,"body":"I think Amsterdam, because I knew there were direct flights from Salt Lake and I just"},{"startTime":2317.5609999999997,"endTime":2324.553,"body":"booked a ticket for whatever was cheapest, which was like two weeks from then."},{"startTime":2325.073,"endTime":2327.774,"body":"And I said, OK, that's what I'm doing."},{"startTime":2327.854,"endTime":2332.395,"body":"The next two weeks are like the least to be noted."},{"startTime":2332.395,"endTime":2343.4689999999996,"body":"But essentially what happened during those those two weeks prior was I had quit the job I"},{"startTime":2332.395,"endTime":2343.4689999999996,"body":"had been working that was great on paper in all of the ways, but just didn't didn't quite"},{"startTime":2343.4689999999996,"endTime":2344.959,"body":"sit right with me."},{"startTime":2345.091,"endTime":2357.906,"body":"I'd made kind of bigger decisions I wasn't ready to make, but I remember feeling, I"},{"startTime":2345.091,"endTime":2357.906,"body":"remember there was one day, I remember there was a day I called my mom about a week into"},{"startTime":2357.906,"endTime":2360.096,"body":"this like feeling."},{"startTime":2360.817,"endTime":2366.819,"body":"And I remember like looking at the mirror when I was talking to her on the phone."},{"startTime":2367.656,"endTime":2368.518,"body":"I'm just..."},{"startTime":2369.6059999999998,"endTime":2370.216,"body":"I didn't look."},{"startTime":2370.216,"endTime":2372.767,"body":"and glossy -eyed and the whole thing and I'd been crying."},{"startTime":2372.767,"endTime":2386.2,"body":"And I remember trying to tell her as I'm crying in these quivering tears that I am so"},{"startTime":2372.767,"endTime":2386.2,"body":"afraid, but I know that I'm held."},{"startTime":2387.241,"endTime":2391.2619999999997,"body":"Like I feel like I'm being cracked open."},{"startTime":2391.2619999999997,"endTime":2394.843,"body":"I can feel this like metaphysical."},{"startTime":2394.875,"endTime":2410.855,"body":"pulling on my insides and stretching me into something and it feels like it's not me but"},{"startTime":2394.875,"endTime":2410.855,"body":"when I think about what it is I picture my body and arms and that's all that I knew and I"},{"startTime":2410.855,"endTime":2420.211,"body":"by the way I do not do psychedelics normally I did acid when I was like 19 and I did a"},{"startTime":2410.855,"endTime":2420.211,"body":"little bit of microdosing in the summer of 21 and besides that"},{"startTime":2420.283,"endTime":2427.423,"body":"didn't do mushrooms, do any psychedelics, I smoked weed once a day after 8 p and that was"},{"startTime":2420.283,"endTime":2427.423,"body":"kind of like my situation."},{"startTime":2427.423,"endTime":2435.4429999999998,"body":"Nothing weird was happening but I knew something indeed weird was happening and I did not"},{"startTime":2427.423,"endTime":2435.4429999999998,"body":"feel like I had done anything to call upon it."},{"startTime":2435.4429999999998,"endTime":2440.6229999999996,"body":"It had found me and all I had to do was go through it."},{"startTime":2442.423,"endTime":2446.9829999999997,"body":"There's so many side stories I could tell you guys within this."},{"startTime":2446.9829999999997,"endTime":2448.4449999999997,"body":"my gosh, you would die."},{"startTime":2448.48,"endTime":2454.3439999999996,"body":"me pause for just for a second because what I love about this is like what you were just"},{"startTime":2448.48,"endTime":2454.3439999999996,"body":"saying, it came to you."},{"startTime":2455.365,"endTime":2464.801,"body":"And it's getting out like a lot of the, it's not just a Mormon mindset, but it's an"},{"startTime":2455.365,"endTime":2464.801,"body":"American, it's a Western capitalist mindset of like, unless I do something, unless I, like"},{"startTime":2464.801,"endTime":2468.9939999999997,"body":"nothing's going to happen, I need to do, I need to like pull myself up for my bootstraps."},{"startTime":2468.9939999999997,"endTime":2469.9539999999997,"body":"I need to work hard."},{"startTime":2469.9539999999997,"endTime":2476.971,"body":"need to do like, when the self, that pillar you're talking about,"},{"startTime":2476.971,"endTime":2478.832,"body":"came to you."},{"startTime":2480.5339999999997,"endTime":2481.955,"body":"And your dream is fascinating."},{"startTime":2481.955,"endTime":2486.0389999999998,"body":"It feels like an initiation to me with the people grabbing you."},{"startTime":2486.0389999999998,"endTime":2496.098,"body":"And so it's really interesting that right after that, go to you initiate yourself in a way"},{"startTime":2486.0389999999998,"endTime":2496.098,"body":"you go to a foreign country, you go to Amsterdam, you go almost I mean, it feels I don't"},{"startTime":2496.098,"endTime":2501.8849999999998,"body":"know if it was like that in the trip, but it almost feels like a rite of passage in a way"},{"startTime":2496.098,"endTime":2501.8849999999998,"body":"for me and what you did."},{"startTime":2501.8849999999998,"endTime":2502.8959999999997,"body":"aren't even ready for this."},{"startTime":2502.8959999999997,"endTime":2509.732,"body":"I'm gonna skip the first sub stories and we're gonna go straight to this Europe trip,"},{"startTime":2502.8959999999997,"endTime":2509.732,"body":"because this is gonna tie into what you were talking about of the woman and the book that"},{"startTime":2509.732,"endTime":2510.172,"body":"you had read."},{"startTime":2510.172,"endTime":2515.006,"body":"And all of that."},{"startTime":2515.567,"endTime":2522.9519999999998,"body":"I had had a couple things within those two weeks before I went on this trip that were"},{"startTime":2515.567,"endTime":2522.9519999999998,"body":"prefacing something happening."},{"startTime":2523.093,"endTime":2530.903,"body":"And it was someone that I had known over a decade ago that had been popping into my brain"},{"startTime":2523.093,"endTime":2530.903,"body":"that I knew I was gonna run into, even though they lived"},{"startTime":2530.903,"endTime":2532.674,"body":"across the country in a different state."},{"startTime":2532.674,"endTime":2541.0879999999997,"body":"hadn't seen them in a decade and I knew I was going to run into them and I knew I had to"},{"startTime":2532.674,"endTime":2541.0879999999997,"body":"like ask them if they were okay and do all of these things."},{"startTime":2541.0879999999997,"endTime":2548.901,"body":"And that kind of preoccupied a lot of my mind in those two weeks outside of experiencing"},{"startTime":2541.0879999999997,"endTime":2548.901,"body":"everything miraculous."},{"startTime":2548.901,"endTime":2556.774,"body":"There was this very grounding egoic kind of like bird on the shoulder knowing that I was"},{"startTime":2548.901,"endTime":2556.774,"body":"going to run into this person and see this person."},{"startTime":2557.415,"endTime":2557.834,"body":"And"},{"startTime":2557.834,"endTime":2558.149,"body":"again?"},{"startTime":2558.149,"endTime":2558.939,"body":"I'm sorry."},{"startTime":2558.939,"endTime":2562.5589999999997,"body":"This was an ex -boyfriend from when I was 15."},{"startTime":2563.299,"endTime":2566.319,"body":"And I was supposed to run into him and ask him if he was okay."},{"startTime":2566.319,"endTime":2570.879,"body":"And that's exactly what I did, which was crazy."},{"startTime":2570.879,"endTime":2573.979,"body":"But that was a day before my trip."},{"startTime":2573.979,"endTime":2581.399,"body":"So for those two weeks, it was a lot of fear and what felt like pending and not knowing,"},{"startTime":2573.979,"endTime":2581.399,"body":"but yet being held."},{"startTime":2582.279,"endTime":2586.5789999999997,"body":"But a lot of kind of both of those things happening, the holding and the chaos."},{"startTime":2586.5789999999997,"endTime":2589.051,"body":"And then I ran into this person."},{"startTime":2589.051,"endTime":2598.6259999999997,"body":"And then the next day I go on this trip and the trip is when it all really began and also"},{"startTime":2589.051,"endTime":2598.6259999999997,"body":"ended briefly for me."},{"startTime":2598.6259999999997,"endTime":2607.951,"body":"I went on this trip and at this point I had been getting into these meditations for two"},{"startTime":2598.6259999999997,"endTime":2607.951,"body":"weeks, two or three weeks at this point."},{"startTime":2607.951,"endTime":2614.5049999999997,"body":"I had been able to go into past spaces, what felt like future spaces."},{"startTime":2614.585,"endTime":2617.4469999999997,"body":"I could be there completely with all of my senses."},{"startTime":2617.807,"endTime":2620.529,"body":"taste, touch, smell, hear."},{"startTime":2620.549,"endTime":2623.3219999999997,"body":"I could hug someone and I could smell them."},{"startTime":2623.3219999999997,"endTime":2630.578,"body":"I could smell like it, everything about every experience I was able to fully and"},{"startTime":2623.3219999999997,"endTime":2630.578,"body":"completely go into."},{"startTime":2630.578,"endTime":2638.234,"body":"So I had been spending a lot of time doing that, prefacing this trip, but not really"},{"startTime":2630.578,"endTime":2638.234,"body":"knowing what to do with it."},{"startTime":2638.234,"endTime":2643.488,"body":"Not knowing even how I was getting into those meditations, but just knowing that I was."},{"startTime":2643.6879999999996,"endTime":2647.033,"body":"And I get on this plane kind of having that knowing that"},{"startTime":2647.033,"endTime":2655.1699999999996,"body":"I'm here and I made the decision to be here, but there is a ginormous part of my autonomy"},{"startTime":2647.033,"endTime":2655.1699999999996,"body":"that I'm not authorized to use right now."},{"startTime":2655.1699999999996,"endTime":2660.634,"body":"That I believe is guiding me towards something greater that is coming from something that"},{"startTime":2655.1699999999996,"endTime":2660.634,"body":"is made of light."},{"startTime":2661.475,"endTime":2664.917,"body":"And I have to kind of figure out how to go on this trip with this thing."},{"startTime":2665.618,"endTime":2667.45,"body":"So I get to Amsterdam."},{"startTime":2667.45,"endTime":2668.5209999999997,"body":"I'm there for two days."},{"startTime":2668.5209999999997,"endTime":2669.832,"body":"Mind you, I have no plan."},{"startTime":2669.832,"endTime":2671.203,"body":"I don't know if I mentioned that."},{"startTime":2671.203,"endTime":2671.9629999999997,"body":"I had no plan."},{"startTime":2671.9629999999997,"endTime":2675.807,"body":"It was to fly into Amsterdam and to just decide what to do."},{"startTime":2675.807,"endTime":2676.432,"body":"I had a..."},{"startTime":2676.432,"endTime":2677.499,"body":"to Amsterdam before?"},{"startTime":2677.499,"endTime":2682.8149999999996,"body":"I had never been out of the country before on my own, or ever in general, and I'd never"},{"startTime":2677.499,"endTime":2682.8149999999996,"body":"been on a trip."},{"startTime":2682.8619999999996,"endTime":2684.798,"body":"was the feeling about Amsterdam?"},{"startTime":2684.798,"endTime":2685.629,"body":"I'm kind of curious."},{"startTime":2685.629,"endTime":2687.21,"body":"my god, I loved it, I loved it."},{"startTime":2687.21,"endTime":2694.243,"body":"I mean, it was, I usually hate cities because they always smell like hot piss and"},{"startTime":2687.21,"endTime":2694.243,"body":"everyone's in a bad mood and they're always running somewhere."},{"startTime":2694.243,"endTime":2696.4829999999997,"body":"Everyone's rushing all of the time."},{"startTime":2696.4829999999997,"endTime":2706.787,"body":"And Amsterdam, it was, I remember writing about it, even my first day that I was there"},{"startTime":2696.4829999999997,"endTime":2706.787,"body":"after just being there for like four or five hours, like the vibe."},{"startTime":2706.948,"endTime":2708.138,"body":"Woo, sprinklers."},{"startTime":2708.138,"endTime":2709.739,"body":"my god, that scared the shit out of me."},{"startTime":2709.739,"endTime":2714.971,"body":"Hello, I'm just about to get soaked right now."},{"startTime":2715.611,"endTime":2724.8999999999996,"body":"But was like the vibe there was like, I had never experienced being out of the country, so"},{"startTime":2715.611,"endTime":2724.8999999999996,"body":"I never experienced a collective culture not being in a rush."},{"startTime":2725.422,"endTime":2726.863,"body":"So that was crazy."},{"startTime":2726.863,"endTime":2736.9339999999997,"body":"Like everybody was just walking slowly and smiling at each other and they all had jobs"},{"startTime":2726.863,"endTime":2736.9339999999997,"body":"obviously in places to go, but it was just laxed."},{"startTime":2736.9339999999997,"endTime":2737.8669999999997,"body":"It was like, yeah."},{"startTime":2737.8669999999997,"endTime":2741.357,"body":"find the pace of Europe so intoxicating."},{"startTime":2741.357,"endTime":2742.388,"body":"Agreed, agreed."},{"startTime":2742.388,"endTime":2744.711,"body":"I'm not meant to live in this economy."},{"startTime":2745.8779999999997,"endTime":2746.6499999999996,"body":"You"},{"startTime":2746.8129999999996,"endTime":2752.366,"body":"Anyway, I went on a side note there, but I just, went into Amsterdam once for a weekend,"},{"startTime":2746.8129999999996,"endTime":2752.366,"body":"but I was still Mormon at the time."},{"startTime":2752.366,"endTime":2758.3979999999997,"body":"And so, but I went to one of the coffee shops and got like a secondhand high from that was"},{"startTime":2752.366,"endTime":2758.3979999999997,"body":"my first time."},{"startTime":2758.3979999999997,"endTime":2763.821,"body":"Cause I went with all my coworkers into the coffee shops are like coffee shops are"},{"startTime":2758.3979999999997,"endTime":2763.821,"body":"actually the weed shops there."},{"startTime":2763.821,"endTime":2764.5809999999997,"body":"call them coffee shops."},{"startTime":2764.5809999999997,"endTime":2766.732,"body":"So you go in there, they have a whole weed menu."},{"startTime":2766.732,"endTime":2770.7039999999997,"body":"The air is filled with smoke and I come out and I'm like, man, you guys, I just really, I"},{"startTime":2766.732,"endTime":2770.7039999999997,"body":"felt so happy."},{"startTime":2770.7039999999997,"endTime":2772.759,"body":"And I'm like, I really just want a waffle right now."},{"startTime":2772.759,"endTime":2774.057,"body":"That's amazing!"},{"startTime":2774.057,"endTime":2775.3289999999997,"body":"you're fucking high, Mike."},{"startTime":2775.3289999999997,"endTime":2777.201,"body":"That's what that is."},{"startTime":2778.8239999999996,"endTime":2782.752,"body":"I love that for you, and it wasn't intentional so you won't go to hell for it."},{"startTime":2782.752,"endTime":2783.8619999999996,"body":"It just super nice."},{"startTime":2783.8619999999996,"endTime":2790.5099999999998,"body":"I had a plausible denied it, you know, like, Anyway, I want get back to your story."},{"startTime":2790.5099999999998,"endTime":2791.812,"body":"Sorry to digress, but."},{"startTime":2791.812,"endTime":2793.223,"body":"no, you're okay, you're okay."},{"startTime":2793.223,"endTime":2794.7529999999997,"body":"Okay, we're..."},{"startTime":2794.9939999999997,"endTime":2796.154,"body":"Okay, so I go on this trip."},{"startTime":2796.154,"endTime":2801.6369999999997,"body":"I'm about, let see, three days in Amsterdam and I had a rough plan."},{"startTime":2801.6369999999997,"endTime":2812.5009999999997,"body":"I had one thing booked and it was I was gonna go to Amsterdam to France and I was gonna do"},{"startTime":2801.6369999999997,"endTime":2812.5009999999997,"body":"France, Spain, Portugal, Italy and then hop back up to Amsterdam and go home."},{"startTime":2812.901,"endTime":2816.9429999999998,"body":"And the idea was I was just gonna kind of like putz."},{"startTime":2816.9429999999998,"endTime":2825.627,"body":"like three or four days in each place kind of get a vibe check because again because again"},{"startTime":2816.9429999999998,"endTime":2825.627,"body":"back to I knew I was gonna move and I thought maybe I'll move to Europe so it was kind of"},{"startTime":2825.627,"endTime":2837.5609999999997,"body":"like I'm gonna go to all these places and get a vibe check essentially so they're in"},{"startTime":2825.627,"endTime":2837.5609999999997,"body":"Amsterdam for three days I have something booked in France long story I just I decided to"},{"startTime":2837.5609999999997,"endTime":2846.6549999999997,"body":"go to Switzerland instead for a day which was cool and on my flight to Switzerland"},{"startTime":2847.111,"endTime":2857.332,"body":"I brought the book, Becoming Supernatural by Joe Dispenza, as you do, because a homeless"},{"startTime":2847.111,"endTime":2857.332,"body":"man threw it at me six days before, which was absolutely insane."},{"startTime":2857.332,"endTime":2862.9669999999996,"body":"I shit you not, it was crazy."},{"startTime":2865.89,"endTime":2866.814,"body":"Exactly."},{"startTime":2866.814,"endTime":2867.756,"body":"Nothing new there."},{"startTime":2867.756,"endTime":2873.354,"body":"Everyone has just read Becoming Supernatural because a homeless man threw it at them at"},{"startTime":2867.756,"endTime":2873.354,"body":"some point in their life."},{"startTime":2873.672,"endTime":2874.7349999999997,"body":"That's how it works."},{"startTime":2874.7349999999997,"endTime":2880.538,"body":"things coming to you and not having to worry about things are just going to come including"},{"startTime":2874.7349999999997,"endTime":2880.538,"body":"the books you need to read."},{"startTime":2880.544,"endTime":2882.585,"body":"bucks to the dome man."},{"startTime":2882.586,"endTime":2891.1229999999996,"body":"Yeah, but So I was super early on I still am actually I haven't picked it up since that"},{"startTime":2882.586,"endTime":2891.1229999999996,"body":"trip actually crazy."},{"startTime":2891.493,"endTime":2897.799,"body":"but I was reading the part that's Pretty generically like if you believe it, it's yours."},{"startTime":2897.799,"endTime":2905.2039999999997,"body":"Like if you want it, it's yours You have the power to create you in reality, you know,"},{"startTime":2897.799,"endTime":2905.2039999999997,"body":"there's a death the things you always hear, right?"},{"startTime":2905.5249999999996,"endTime":2907.9069999999997,"body":"But in that moment, I heard it"},{"startTime":2907.9069999999997,"endTime":2920.404,"body":"and I read it and I was like, wait a minute, I'm feeling kind of like so expansive and"},{"startTime":2907.9069999999997,"endTime":2920.404,"body":"loose and like, I don't know what's going on, but yet I know anything can go on kind of."},{"startTime":2920.404,"endTime":2926.797,"body":"So am I able to use this kind of non -assumption to my advantage?"},{"startTime":2927.3779999999997,"endTime":2936.402,"body":"And I remember like the second it clicked for me that I might be able to like do something"},{"startTime":2927.3779999999997,"endTime":2936.402,"body":"with the words I just read, I got the"},{"startTime":2938.0429999999997,"endTime":2942.663,"body":"Cheesiest goofy smile on my face you guys and I could not wipe it off."},{"startTime":2942.663,"endTime":2955.5629999999996,"body":"I Literally the plane landed about 10 minutes later I did not stop smiling all the way out"},{"startTime":2942.663,"endTime":2955.5629999999996,"body":"the airport to the cab until I realized as I was getting in the cab I forgot my bag I like"},{"startTime":2955.5629999999996,"endTime":2964.027,"body":"got off the plane and just like sober everything I had been I was so happy and so excited"},{"startTime":2955.5629999999996,"endTime":2964.027,"body":"to go into whatever hotel and like"},{"startTime":2964.027,"endTime":2970.019,"body":"think to manifest or whatever that I walked off without my luggage, my backpack, my carry"},{"startTime":2964.027,"endTime":2970.019,"body":"on."},{"startTime":2970.019,"endTime":2971.6389999999997,"body":"They had to let me back into the airport."},{"startTime":2971.6389999999997,"endTime":2973.3399999999997,"body":"They had to have a security guard come and get me."},{"startTime":2973.3399999999997,"endTime":2976.5809999999997,"body":"It really big and really embarrassing, but I was on this wavelength."},{"startTime":2976.5809999999997,"endTime":2977.8309999999997,"body":"I was ready."},{"startTime":2978.2509999999997,"endTime":2987.234,"body":"So I go into this hotel room and I kind of just go, okay, if I'm, if I'm wanting to create"},{"startTime":2978.2509999999997,"endTime":2987.234,"body":"something, what am I wanting to create?"},{"startTime":2987.5539999999996,"endTime":2991.7169999999996,"body":"And so I go into this meditation and at this point quote unquote, like"},{"startTime":2991.7169999999996,"endTime":2995.1099999999997,"body":"getting into a meditation was just closing my eyes at that point."},{"startTime":2995.1099999999997,"endTime":3000.114,"body":"I was always kind of at that plane of just getting ready to get thrown into it."},{"startTime":3000.3149999999996,"endTime":3013.457,"body":"So I go into this meditation and I am in this place and it's this apartment with this"},{"startTime":3000.3149999999996,"endTime":3013.457,"body":"ocean view on this cliff side and I'm able to, you know, smell the floors, walk around,"},{"startTime":3013.457,"endTime":3014.738,"body":"get my sense of direction."},{"startTime":3014.738,"endTime":3016.93,"body":"I can do north, south, east, west."},{"startTime":3018.511,"endTime":3024.357,"body":"neighbors, I can walk around a little bit outside, I can feel the ocean on my face, like"},{"startTime":3018.511,"endTime":3024.357,"body":"all these things, right?"},{"startTime":3024.9979999999996,"endTime":3032.6659999999997,"body":"And I'm like, this is really nice, this is really cool, this seems like this could, you"},{"startTime":3024.9979999999996,"endTime":3032.6659999999997,"body":"know, potentially exist according to dispense that anything exists."},{"startTime":3032.6659999999997,"endTime":3035.209,"body":"I come out of this meditation and I write all this down."},{"startTime":3035.209,"endTime":3041.995,"body":"I write down all the attributes that I can all that I can remember and I write down the"},{"startTime":3035.209,"endTime":3041.995,"body":"floor plan of this place that I can remember in my head."},{"startTime":3043.299,"endTime":3046.12,"body":"And I'm just gonna dumb this down to absolute nothing."},{"startTime":3046.12,"endTime":3048.2909999999997,"body":"So I do all that."},{"startTime":3048.2909999999997,"endTime":3050.402,"body":"I go to sleep."},{"startTime":3050.402,"endTime":3058.205,"body":"I wake up the next day and it was this full body knowing of cancel France today."},{"startTime":3058.205,"endTime":3059.4959999999996,"body":"You're going to Italy."},{"startTime":3059.4959999999996,"endTime":3062.5769999999998,"body":"You're doing it now and your trip begins there."},{"startTime":3062.5769999999998,"endTime":3064.1479999999997,"body":"That's where this place is gonna be."},{"startTime":3064.1479999999997,"endTime":3066.1479999999997,"body":"And so I said, okay."},{"startTime":3066.1679999999997,"endTime":3070.5699999999997,"body":"And I took a train through like mid Switzerland down to Italy and"},{"startTime":3073.593,"endTime":3081.207,"body":"my God, I could spend two hours telling you guys the story, but I also want to catch up to"},{"startTime":3073.593,"endTime":3081.207,"body":"now, because this was nine months ago."},{"startTime":3082.008,"endTime":3090.772,"body":"both, I almost don't want to just like, sow injustice, this story."},{"startTime":3091.133,"endTime":3102.085,"body":"Long story short, I got sent on this trip, on this train, and going back to what we were"},{"startTime":3091.133,"endTime":3102.085,"body":"talking about earlier."},{"startTime":3102.085,"endTime":3116.259,"body":"The moment that I decided that I was going to get led to this alleged place that may or"},{"startTime":3102.085,"endTime":3116.259,"body":"may not exist was the moment that it was like I was disconnected from my mind."},{"startTime":3116.879,"endTime":3132.1029999999996,"body":"I wasn't disconnected from my head or my brain, but the best way that I could describe it"},{"startTime":3116.879,"endTime":3132.1029999999996,"body":"was I could not muster up enough energy"},{"startTime":3132.3469999999998,"endTime":3134.2279999999996,"body":"To complete a thought."},{"startTime":3134.548,"endTime":3136.508,"body":"To ask a question."},{"startTime":3136.8289999999997,"endTime":3142.2909999999997,"body":"I could not physically, even within my own mind, reject something."},{"startTime":3142.7909999999997,"endTime":3145.912,"body":"Everything that I was doing was a yes."},{"startTime":3146.053,"endTime":3148.4139999999998,"body":"Everywhere that I was going was a yes."},{"startTime":3148.4139999999998,"endTime":3153.9959999999996,"body":"Because I knew that whatever it was that was guiding me was beyond me."},{"startTime":3153.9959999999996,"endTime":3155.797,"body":"Because I couldn't reject to it."},{"startTime":3155.797,"endTime":3159.578,"body":"And everywhere that I was going was leading me directly to love."},{"startTime":3159.578,"endTime":3162.259,"body":"Every single place."},{"startTime":3162.305,"endTime":3164.5969999999998,"body":"So I have this place in mind, right?"},{"startTime":3164.5969999999998,"endTime":3169.5119999999997,"body":"And it's, they're not great lists of how to get there, right?"},{"startTime":3169.5119999999997,"endTime":3177.649,"body":"I'm like, it's an apartment, it's got a window and it's on a cliff's edge and there's"},{"startTime":3169.5119999999997,"endTime":3177.649,"body":"grassy hills is all that I know."},{"startTime":3177.83,"endTime":3179.872,"body":"And that's what I had dumbed it down to at that point."},{"startTime":3179.872,"endTime":3187.759,"body":"I said, I need to go somewhere that's on a cliff's edge and behind this apartment or this"},{"startTime":3179.872,"endTime":3187.759,"body":"house or whatever is grassy hills."},{"startTime":3188.6209999999996,"endTime":3200.174,"body":"And I continued down just the Italian coast for two weeks every morning, stopping at a"},{"startTime":3188.6209999999996,"endTime":3200.174,"body":"coffee shop, grabbing a stranger, telling him I'm looking for grassy hills and a cliff,"},{"startTime":3200.174,"endTime":3203.475,"body":"them saying, I'm not going to be able to find that combination in Italy."},{"startTime":3203.475,"endTime":3206.4559999999997,"body":"I'm either going to find one or the other and good luck."},{"startTime":3206.4559999999997,"endTime":3208.7569999999996,"body":"And me saying, okay, I'm going to find it."},{"startTime":3209.1569999999997,"endTime":3215.859,"body":"Going, going, going, going, getting rejected, rejected, rejected on a train the entire"},{"startTime":3209.1569999999997,"endTime":3215.859,"body":"time, not a car."},{"startTime":3215.859,"endTime":3217.019,"body":"And the end."},{"startTime":3217.3149999999996,"endTime":3223.5789999999997,"body":"every single moment that I was going, even though I had no clue where I was going, no one"},{"startTime":3217.3149999999996,"endTime":3223.5789999999997,"body":"knew that I was doing this."},{"startTime":3223.5789999999997,"endTime":3226.43,"body":"No one knew I was on some kind of wild goose chase looking for a home."},{"startTime":3226.43,"endTime":3228.0009999999997,"body":"I didn't tell anyone."},{"startTime":3228.6009999999997,"endTime":3232.343,"body":"I could not feel a single inkling of rejection."},{"startTime":3232.343,"endTime":3234.2239999999997,"body":"Not one, not one."},{"startTime":3234.2239999999997,"endTime":3239.7369999999996,"body":"I could listen to a couple songs that would make, that made me feel like I was on a"},{"startTime":3234.2239999999997,"endTime":3239.7369999999996,"body":"mission of some sort that could make me cry."},{"startTime":3239.7369999999996,"endTime":3245.6499999999996,"body":"Kind of like this hero's journey, like outside perspective of like, yeah, you are doing"},{"startTime":3239.7369999999996,"endTime":3245.6499999999996,"body":"this thing."},{"startTime":3246.5229999999997,"endTime":3251.805,"body":"but I wasn't able to actually feel the fear of what it would mean if I could be wrong."},{"startTime":3252.6459999999997,"endTime":3258.5679999999998,"body":"Again, longest story ever short, I get invited to this wedding."},{"startTime":3258.5679999999998,"endTime":3261.71,"body":"At the wedding, I meet the pastor."},{"startTime":3261.71,"endTime":3264.9109999999996,"body":"The pastor tells me about this secret town."},{"startTime":3264.9109999999996,"endTime":3267.0719999999997,"body":"I go to the secret town."},{"startTime":3267.0719999999997,"endTime":3274.555,"body":"On my second and a half day there, I happen to meet a guy as we get stuck on a road"},{"startTime":3267.0719999999997,"endTime":3274.555,"body":"together."},{"startTime":3275.4779999999996,"endTime":3275.9249999999997,"body":"You"},{"startTime":3275.9249999999997,"endTime":3278.116,"body":"she's asking about where I'm going."},{"startTime":3278.116,"endTime":3280.8579999999997,"body":"I describe what I'm trying to find."},{"startTime":3280.8579999999997,"endTime":3284.359,"body":"And he goes, that's my secret house."},{"startTime":3284.98,"endTime":3290.002,"body":"And since you just described my secret house to me, I will take you there."},{"startTime":3290.0029999999997,"endTime":3292.024,"body":"And I said, okay."},{"startTime":3292.024,"endTime":3305.8509999999997,"body":"This man took me to a secret house on a cliff's edge, two bedrooms, grassy hills behind"},{"startTime":3292.024,"endTime":3305.8509999999997,"body":"it, cause it's got vineyards, garden, chickens, pigs."},{"startTime":3305.9359999999997,"endTime":3310.73,"body":"thing my entire dream of always wanted and I'm moving there next summer."},{"startTime":3310.73,"endTime":3313.3819999999996,"body":"I was gonna say this has to end with something."},{"startTime":3313.3819999999996,"endTime":3322.663,"body":"So you're so so this guy maybe is your soulmate and you've you met him through wait so"},{"startTime":3313.3819999999996,"endTime":3322.663,"body":"there's no psychedelics involved in this fucking story."},{"startTime":3322.663,"endTime":3325.7749999999996,"body":"okay, you guys, okay, Doug and Mike, we're gonna have like a separate phone call."},{"startTime":3325.7749999999996,"endTime":3327.1259999999997,"body":"I'm gonna tell you this story."},{"startTime":3327.1259999999997,"endTime":3328.9069999999997,"body":"I wish I should have told you this whole story."},{"startTime":3328.9069999999997,"endTime":3329.9069999999997,"body":"It's the craziest thing."},{"startTime":3329.9069999999997,"endTime":3333.769,"body":"I had so many psychedelic moments, completely sober."},{"startTime":3333.769,"endTime":3339.372,"body":"So when everything happened in September, I have a therapist who's essentially like my"},{"startTime":3333.769,"endTime":3339.372,"body":"meditation coach."},{"startTime":3339.392,"endTime":3343.515,"body":"And she was like, especially now, don't you dare take psychedelics."},{"startTime":3343.515,"endTime":3348.337,"body":"She's like, what's happening to you right now is that you're having a psychedelic"},{"startTime":3343.515,"endTime":3348.337,"body":"experience, not on psychedelics."},{"startTime":3348.337,"endTime":3351.663,"body":"So don't touch anything, not even weed."},{"startTime":3351.663,"endTime":3354.3149999999996,"body":"and I don't really drink alcohol either, so that was easy."},{"startTime":3354.3149999999996,"endTime":3358.5679999999998,"body":"So I was completely sober this entire time, completely and utterly."},{"startTime":3358.769,"endTime":3360.971,"body":"Yeah, which was super insane."},{"startTime":3360.971,"endTime":3372.04,"body":"And just again, I essentially, as I look back on it now, especially all these months"},{"startTime":3360.971,"endTime":3372.04,"body":"later, almost a year, I realized now I was literally in a meditative state for about two"},{"startTime":3372.04,"endTime":3372.881,"body":"months."},{"startTime":3374.5629999999996,"endTime":3380.067,"body":"And what that looked like to me, which it's not that way right now, because I haven't been"},{"startTime":3374.5629999999996,"endTime":3380.067,"body":"practicing, but."},{"startTime":3380.7309999999998,"endTime":3397.3469999999998,"body":"What that looked like to me was, and what it looks like to me now, is every rejection that"},{"startTime":3380.7309999999998,"endTime":3397.3469999999998,"body":"I have inside of me, every no that comes up, that's how I identify my ego."},{"startTime":3399.067,"endTime":3400.3269999999998,"body":"Pretty much."},{"startTime":3400.448,"endTime":3409.901,"body":"If you want to have a relationship with God, everyone tells you, you just have to trust,"},{"startTime":3400.448,"endTime":3409.901,"body":"you have to listen, you have to know that it's love and it's unconditional love and it's"},{"startTime":3409.901,"endTime":3411.5719999999997,"body":"all of these things."},{"startTime":3412.8329999999996,"endTime":3422.636,"body":"And at the time for me, I still can't believe that I was able to be opted into such a"},{"startTime":3412.8329999999996,"endTime":3422.636,"body":"gnarly experience."},{"startTime":3423.2369999999996,"endTime":3428.9089999999997,"body":"Kind of without the opportunity or the ability to object or to reject."},{"startTime":3428.9089999999997,"endTime":3434.8729999999996,"body":"as now I've been going through it the last year and I've had plenty of time to reject it"},{"startTime":3428.9089999999997,"endTime":3434.8729999999996,"body":"and plenty of time to see what that means for me."},{"startTime":3434.8729999999996,"endTime":3447.0519999999997,"body":"I was gifted this like two month experience of seeing what my life could be like if I"},{"startTime":3434.8729999999996,"endTime":3447.0519999999997,"body":"stopped saying no to myself and I started believing that there was something out there"},{"startTime":3447.0519999999997,"endTime":3451.174,"body":"that was holding me and taking care of me and witnessing me."},{"startTime":3451.515,"endTime":3457.625,"body":"And I think the human condition we're all so fucking upset about all the time."},{"startTime":3457.625,"endTime":3459.6969999999997,"body":"is that we're not being witnessed."},{"startTime":3460.238,"endTime":3465.144,"body":"We want someone to not only tell us where to go, well, we don't even want that."},{"startTime":3465.144,"endTime":3473.2729999999997,"body":"We want someone to see us make the right choices for ourselves that take us where to go."},{"startTime":3474.375,"endTime":3475.6659999999997,"body":"That's what we want."},{"startTime":3475.6659999999997,"endTime":3477.037,"body":"don't want someone."},{"startTime":3477.6189999999997,"endTime":3478.519,"body":"Sorry?"},{"startTime":3478.598,"endTime":3480.8089999999997,"body":"I said I just I was just going to agree with you."},{"startTime":3480.8089999999997,"endTime":3493.2039999999997,"body":"I mean, that's that, Mike, it makes me think about what you're talking about, like that"},{"startTime":3480.8089999999997,"endTime":3493.2039999999997,"body":"outsourcing big, big parts of ourself to other entities, whether it's other people, the"},{"startTime":3493.2039999999997,"endTime":3498.9959999999996,"body":"religious leaders, parents, friends, coworkers, bosses, like like."},{"startTime":3498.9959999999996,"endTime":3503.2019999999998,"body":"I'm I'm curious just as a side note here."},{"startTime":3503.2019999999998,"endTime":3513.194,"body":"Carly, like you're still pretty like deep, you're still really into meditation and still"},{"startTime":3503.2019999999998,"endTime":3513.194,"body":"deep in your practice with that."},{"startTime":3513.7949999999996,"endTime":3517.837,"body":"I've slipped out of my practice last month and a half."},{"startTime":3517.837,"endTime":3520.508,"body":"had something, I had a big slap in the face."},{"startTime":3520.508,"endTime":3530.3019999999997,"body":"I had a couple of big slaps in the face in July and I kind of reached that threshold where"},{"startTime":3520.508,"endTime":3530.3019999999997,"body":"I could either run towards it and be brave or run away really fast and be scared."},{"startTime":3530.3019999999997,"endTime":3532.142,"body":"And so I've been doing that."},{"startTime":3533.763,"endTime":3541.966,"body":"But, and within that, I have been realizing throughout this entire year long experience,"},{"startTime":3533.763,"endTime":3541.966,"body":"how I've been able to,"},{"startTime":3543.0229999999997,"endTime":3552.1299999999997,"body":"take, to genuinely take this experience from me and to genuinely take peace from myself"},{"startTime":3543.0229999999997,"endTime":3552.1299999999997,"body":"and to not realize that I'm doing it."},{"startTime":3552.1299999999997,"endTime":3556.694,"body":"And one day you reject the smallest thing, like you don't want to meditate for five"},{"startTime":3552.1299999999997,"endTime":3556.694,"body":"minutes."},{"startTime":3556.694,"endTime":3562.7079999999996,"body":"And then four days later, you're rejecting your biggest urges and your, greatest"},{"startTime":3556.694,"endTime":3562.7079999999996,"body":"intuition."},{"startTime":3562.7079999999996,"endTime":3566.2999999999997,"body":"And that's kind of where I found myself sliding down."},{"startTime":3566.921,"endTime":3569.435,"body":"so I can't, can't say I've been doing it perfectly."},{"startTime":3569.435,"endTime":3574.857,"body":"but I've definitely been trying to figure out what it means for me over and over again to"},{"startTime":3569.435,"endTime":3574.857,"body":"go back."},{"startTime":3574.857,"endTime":3580.919,"body":"Because when I went into it initially, wasn't a cognizant choice, it just happened."},{"startTime":3581.1589999999997,"endTime":3592.082,"body":"So it's been incredibly just ski -wampus for me to try to figure out what it means for me"},{"startTime":3581.1589999999997,"endTime":3592.082,"body":"to get back to the nothing that I was."},{"startTime":3592.5989999999997,"endTime":3593.64,"body":"Well, that's yeah."},{"startTime":3593.64,"endTime":3597.0429999999997,"body":"I I guess you guys heard about like the."},{"startTime":3597.3239999999996,"endTime":3599.1349999999998,"body":"God, what's it called in meditation?"},{"startTime":3599.1349999999998,"endTime":3603.6499999999996,"body":"It's like the rising and passing thresholds."},{"startTime":3603.6499999999996,"endTime":3606.5919999999996,"body":"Is that ring ring ring a bell?"},{"startTime":3607.381,"endTime":3608.212,"body":"Not to"},{"startTime":3609.0139999999997,"endTime":3610.9049999999997,"body":"I don't know enough about it to talk about it."},{"startTime":3610.9049999999997,"endTime":3613.5769999999998,"body":"just it's a it's a it's a benchmark."},{"startTime":3613.5769999999998,"endTime":3625.1349999999998,"body":"Like it's a it's a it's a watershed event in your meditative journey where you start to"},{"startTime":3613.5769999999998,"endTime":3625.1349999999998,"body":"God, if I I if I talk much about it, I'm going to sound like an idiot."},{"startTime":3625.1349999999998,"endTime":3637.143,"body":"But like it's it's essentially to me feels like operating in that higher mind space, like"},{"startTime":3625.1349999999998,"endTime":3637.143,"body":"recognition of it and listening to it."},{"startTime":3637.143,"endTime":3638.422,"body":"And anyway, I'm just"},{"startTime":3638.422,"endTime":3648.4359999999997,"body":"When I hear you tell that story about just basically you've got this image in your mind,"},{"startTime":3638.422,"endTime":3648.4359999999997,"body":"you know, the rolling hills, cliffside, you're going to a fucking wedding out of nowhere."},{"startTime":3648.4359999999997,"endTime":3651.067,"body":"People are like, I'm the pastor and there's a secret town."},{"startTime":3651.067,"endTime":3652.558,"body":"And then you're on the road."},{"startTime":3654.479,"endTime":3659.341,"body":"You're on the road and meeting some guy and he's like, also in this secret town, I have a"},{"startTime":3654.479,"endTime":3659.341,"body":"secret house."},{"startTime":3659.341,"endTime":3660.401,"body":"It's like."},{"startTime":3661.4809999999998,"endTime":3663.8419999999996,"body":"Like, yeah, I mean, right."},{"startTime":3663.8419999999996,"endTime":3666.814,"body":"So there's like I wish I knew more about it."},{"startTime":3666.814,"endTime":3668.2239999999997,"body":"It's just just ringing."},{"startTime":3668.258,"endTime":3676.633,"body":"Maybe we should put a pin and meet what I'm talking about and maybe I can do some research"},{"startTime":3668.258,"endTime":3676.633,"body":"on it later."},{"startTime":3676.633,"endTime":3682.54,"body":"a couple things here because Carly, I wasn't expecting when I said that was like"},{"startTime":3676.633,"endTime":3682.54,"body":"initiation and a rite of passage."},{"startTime":3682.54,"endTime":3684.1209999999996,"body":"I had no idea."},{"startTime":3684.288,"endTime":3684.835,"body":"dude."},{"startTime":3684.835,"endTime":3685.5409999999997,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3685.5409999999997,"endTime":3691.557,"body":"yeah y 'all my god, I could just go yeah, we're gonna I would love to tell you guys my"},{"startTime":3685.5409999999997,"endTime":3691.557,"body":"story"},{"startTime":3692.787,"endTime":3702.93,"body":"and so there's this thing of, cause you were saying, I was filling into something you were"},{"startTime":3692.787,"endTime":3702.93,"body":"saying there about basically saying yes to yourself, you know?"},{"startTime":3704.6099999999997,"endTime":3720.895,"body":"and what I'm finding though, and maybe this is because being Mormon, I've been used to"},{"startTime":3704.6099999999997,"endTime":3720.895,"body":"pleasing other people so much, like I've so much in people pleasing that for me, I have to"},{"startTime":3720.895,"endTime":3721.557,"body":"get,"},{"startTime":3721.557,"endTime":3725.5299999999997,"body":"have to use a lot of no's before I get to my yes."},{"startTime":3726.951,"endTime":3730.604,"body":"If that makes sense, like I have to be like, no, I don't want, no, I don't want to do"},{"startTime":3726.951,"endTime":3730.604,"body":"that."},{"startTime":3730.604,"endTime":3732.7059999999997,"body":"I don't want to, no, no, no, no, kind of deal."},{"startTime":3732.7059999999997,"endTime":3736.939,"body":"like, and then I get to the spot where like, okay, now this is a yes."},{"startTime":3737.1,"endTime":3738.861,"body":"And this is what I want to do."},{"startTime":3739.642,"endTime":3742.584,"body":"But for me, sometimes I need the no's."},{"startTime":3743.165,"endTime":3751.375,"body":"Cause it's not like, if I just said yes to everything, when we first started this podcast,"},{"startTime":3743.165,"endTime":3751.375,"body":"I was like in that."},{"startTime":3751.375,"endTime":3752.6259999999997,"body":"Yes, yes, yes."},{"startTime":3752.6259999999997,"endTime":3754.6769999999997,"body":"I was like, yes and everything."},{"startTime":3754.837,"endTime":3758.259,"body":"Meanwhile, I feel like I was spreading myself way too thin."},{"startTime":3758.259,"endTime":3759.629,"body":"I was having some cool adventures."},{"startTime":3759.629,"endTime":3763.2709999999997,"body":"It was great, but I was like way too thin."},{"startTime":3763.2709999999997,"endTime":3770.185,"body":"I was getting so overwhelmed and it was like, I'm saying yes to the things I really don't"},{"startTime":3763.2709999999997,"endTime":3770.185,"body":"want to do."},{"startTime":3771.406,"endTime":3776.0679999999998,"body":"And so it feels like for you that yes is coming from a yes."},{"startTime":3776.0679999999998,"endTime":3779.18,"body":"were following on that trip was like from a deeper place."},{"startTime":3779.18,"endTime":3781.0679999999998,"body":"was, you had already tuned into."},{"startTime":3781.0679999999998,"endTime":3781.821,"body":"Right, yeah."},{"startTime":3781.821,"endTime":3785.673,"body":"a yes, and we're being led by that."},{"startTime":3785.982,"endTime":3789.6949999999997,"body":"Yeah, that was full, my intuitive yes."},{"startTime":3789.6949999999997,"endTime":3792.988,"body":"Like, God unfiltered is how I view it."},{"startTime":3792.988,"endTime":3799.774,"body":"Like I was unable to reject as you would be if you were in the face of something powerful,"},{"startTime":3792.988,"endTime":3799.774,"body":"you know?"},{"startTime":3800.575,"endTime":3803.508,"body":"It was like I literally was like stricken dumb within my own mind."},{"startTime":3803.508,"endTime":3805.2189999999996,"body":"Like I could not say no."},{"startTime":3807.5969999999998,"endTime":3815.5499999999997,"body":"Unable and if I if I if I thought about pushing past it because obviously I have some sort"},{"startTime":3807.5969999999998,"endTime":3815.5499999999997,"body":"of autonomy I could have pushed past it or I could have decided to like I don't know go"},{"startTime":3815.5499999999997,"endTime":3823.7349999999997,"body":"drink a bunch of wine and like get all cloudy and Throw myself off for a couple days like"},{"startTime":3815.5499999999997,"endTime":3823.7349999999997,"body":"I could have done all of these things But it was like if the thought of it made me"},{"startTime":3823.7349999999997,"endTime":3836.7949999999996,"body":"physically sick In a way that was that was it that no was stronger than rejecting it like"},{"startTime":3823.7349999999997,"endTime":3836.7949999999996,"body":"Yeah, the the rejection to me rejecting was stronger than"},{"startTime":3836.7949999999996,"endTime":3839.7369999999996,"body":"the urge to reject, if that makes sense."},{"startTime":3840.4579999999996,"endTime":3842.54,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3842.54,"endTime":3844.0409999999997,"body":"But that's a really good point."},{"startTime":3844.0409999999997,"endTime":3851.087,"body":"And also where I've been balancing with Mike recently is like, what are the true yeses and"},{"startTime":3844.0409999999997,"endTime":3851.087,"body":"what are the true nos?"},{"startTime":3851.087,"endTime":3855.81,"body":"And to kind of shine a little bit more clarity on what I mean is more of like..."},{"startTime":3858.7569999999996,"endTime":3873.451,"body":"When I say kind of like no more no's essentially, it's more of like, I've been finding my"},{"startTime":3858.7569999999996,"endTime":3873.451,"body":"hardest and times in my life that are full of the most sorrow and hardship and confusion."},{"startTime":3873.511,"endTime":3878.7129999999997,"body":"Or when I keep fucking asking myself, I keep asking, I keep going, what do I want?"},{"startTime":3878.7129999999997,"endTime":3881.0139999999997,"body":"Okay, I don't want that, but okay, well, what do I want?"},{"startTime":3881.0139999999997,"endTime":3882.9139999999998,"body":"And okay, well, then how do I want it?"},{"startTime":3882.9139999999998,"endTime":3885.2149999999997,"body":"And okay, well, then what's that gonna look like?"},{"startTime":3885.2149999999997,"endTime":3886.055,"body":"And..."},{"startTime":3886.613,"endTime":3887.1899999999996,"body":"we'll"},{"startTime":3887.1899999999996,"endTime":3892.303,"body":"and for me, and with everything that I've ever learned in my life, that's like the most"},{"startTime":3887.1899999999996,"endTime":3892.303,"body":"productive thing that I can do, right?"},{"startTime":3892.303,"endTime":3893.1029999999996,"body":"What do I want?"},{"startTime":3893.1029999999996,"endTime":3893.924,"body":"How do I want it?"},{"startTime":3893.924,"endTime":3894.814,"body":"When do I want it?"},{"startTime":3894.814,"endTime":3896.0249999999996,"body":"How am gonna get it?"},{"startTime":3896.0249999999996,"endTime":3908.9719999999998,"body":"These all seem like they're productive, and I'm in a space in my life right now where I"},{"startTime":3896.0249999999996,"endTime":3908.9719999999998,"body":"feel like I'm re -realizing how complete and utter fucking bullshit that is."},{"startTime":3908.9719999999998,"endTime":3911.234,"body":"It's complete and utter fucking bullshit."},{"startTime":3911.234,"endTime":3914.0429999999997,"body":"If we're only existing here in the present moment."},{"startTime":3914.0429999999997,"endTime":3928.647,"body":"than past identifications and future plans in such an incredible, massive way that we can"},{"startTime":3914.0429999999997,"endTime":3928.647,"body":"only find out if we actively choose to begin to unlearn the conditioning we've been given."},{"startTime":3930.9689999999996,"endTime":3934.9399999999996,"body":"Like, it's so needless."},{"startTime":3934.9399999999996,"endTime":3941.803,"body":"Every time I go back to worrying about the eye, I know that's what's happening, is I'm"},{"startTime":3934.9399999999996,"endTime":3941.803,"body":"going back to worrying about the eye."},{"startTime":3941.803,"endTime":3952.6459999999997,"body":"I'm not moving forward into wondering about the what if and what else is there and what's"},{"startTime":3941.803,"endTime":3952.6459999999997,"body":"happening right now in this moment that I'm not noticing that's right here, right now with"},{"startTime":3952.6459999999997,"endTime":3953.426,"body":"me."},{"startTime":3953.7859999999996,"endTime":3955.931,"body":"And I think, you know, like I said, I've kind of..."},{"startTime":3955.931,"endTime":3966.047,"body":"hold myself out of this kind of like enlightened, meditative state to the point where I"},{"startTime":3955.931,"endTime":3966.047,"body":"wasn't sure if I was like at my best and wanting to be, you know, on this podcast and"},{"startTime":3966.047,"endTime":3967.037,"body":"ready to talk."},{"startTime":3967.037,"endTime":3974.0009999999997,"body":"But at the same time, I realized within that, shit."},{"startTime":3975.392,"endTime":3975.752,"body":"sorry."},{"startTime":3975.752,"endTime":3977.8129999999996,"body":"I absolutely lost my train of thought."},{"startTime":3977.8129999999996,"endTime":3981.325,"body":"What exactly was I just saying?"},{"startTime":3981.325,"endTime":3984.046,"body":"I had two and then they split in half right before my eyes."},{"startTime":3984.046,"endTime":3985.144,"body":"I'm so sorry."},{"startTime":3985.144,"endTime":3987.7039999999997,"body":"I just love this."},{"startTime":3987.7039999999997,"endTime":3992.894,"body":"If I could if I could just sort of like we're at a hour and five."},{"startTime":3992.894,"endTime":3999.3239999999996,"body":"So I'm going to I'm going to redirect us just just a little bit onto back onto your trip"},{"startTime":3992.894,"endTime":3999.3239999999996,"body":"and maybe on to."},{"startTime":3999.644,"endTime":4004.644,"body":"I guess that's what you were talking about is sort of like that identification of."},{"startTime":4006.2439999999997,"endTime":4014.4759999999997,"body":"You know, you're kind of talking about that 360 degree view of."},{"startTime":4014.4759999999997,"endTime":4015.5679999999998,"body":"how you're living, right?"},{"startTime":4015.5679999999998,"endTime":4021.026,"body":"How you're listening and living your life."},{"startTime":4021.3269999999998,"endTime":4024.7619999999997,"body":"Remember, I had a similar trip to Italy."},{"startTime":4024.7619999999997,"endTime":4026.9359999999997,"body":"I did not have a similar trip to Italy."},{"startTime":4026.9359999999997,"endTime":4027.8759999999997,"body":"Let me restart."},{"startTime":4028.269,"endTime":4029.109,"body":"You"},{"startTime":4030.654,"endTime":4032.381,"body":"Doug, where's your house?"},{"startTime":4032.6299999999997,"endTime":4035.682,"body":"Let me restart the way that story begins."},{"startTime":4036.863,"endTime":4045.93,"body":"I did not have a similar trip, but I did have a solo trip to Italy that was kind of like,"},{"startTime":4036.863,"endTime":4045.93,"body":"it was kind of like spur of the moment."},{"startTime":4045.93,"endTime":4053.296,"body":"And, you know, the way you described getting off, when you got off the plane, was that in"},{"startTime":4045.93,"endTime":4053.296,"body":"Italy or was that in Amsterdam?"},{"startTime":4053.296,"endTime":4055.448,"body":"When you were smiling and you forgot your thing."},{"startTime":4055.448,"endTime":4056.678,"body":"That was in Italy?"},{"startTime":4057.3489999999997,"endTime":4058.634,"body":"that was in Switzerland."},{"startTime":4058.634,"endTime":4061.687,"body":"Yeah, that was before I knew about Italy quite yet."},{"startTime":4062.1319999999996,"endTime":4074.297,"body":"I got off the plane in Venice and I had been reading, I must have been reading a farewell"},{"startTime":4062.1319999999996,"endTime":4074.297,"body":"to arms, because I was reading a Hemingway book and it was about his time in Italy."},{"startTime":4074.297,"endTime":4075.6679999999997,"body":"So it must have been a farewell to arms."},{"startTime":4075.6679999999997,"endTime":4077.218,"body":"So I'm like reading that."},{"startTime":4077.339,"endTime":4080.73,"body":"And you know, when you're on a plane, your emotions are heightened anyway."},{"startTime":4080.73,"endTime":4082.901,"body":"And so I'm just bawling like a baby."},{"startTime":4082.901,"endTime":4086.413,"body":"I'm like, living, this is like, I'm living my fullest life."},{"startTime":4086.413,"endTime":4087.883,"body":"Like this is it."},{"startTime":4088.644,"endTime":4089.484,"body":"And."},{"startTime":4089.986,"endTime":4092.913,"body":"You know, funnily, I also left my shit behind."},{"startTime":4092.913,"endTime":4094.296,"body":"And..."},{"startTime":4094.296,"endTime":4096.241,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":4096.241,"endTime":4097.514,"body":"Isn't that crazy?"},{"startTime":4097.514,"endTime":4100.68,"body":"I mean, you know, Carly was in Switzerland."},{"startTime":4100.852,"endTime":4110.13,"body":"I think, yeah, it's just knowing that you, think the actual physical knowing that you're"},{"startTime":4100.852,"endTime":4110.13,"body":"moving towards something bigger helps you leave things behind, right?"},{"startTime":4110.13,"endTime":4112.823,"body":"It's like, am going somewhere new where they don't know me."},{"startTime":4112.823,"endTime":4115.966,"body":"Like my identifications aren't here with me now."},{"startTime":4115.966,"endTime":4117.849,"body":"No one knows me as who I was before."},{"startTime":4117.849,"endTime":4130.174,"body":"So that's that's dead on, that kind of takes me to where I'm kind of trying to marry this"},{"startTime":4117.849,"endTime":4130.174,"body":"these points, because what I what I found when I was in a foreign country, I do not speak"},{"startTime":4130.174,"endTime":4131.314,"body":"Italian."},{"startTime":4131.375,"endTime":4133.436,"body":"I do not have anybody with me."},{"startTime":4133.436,"endTime":4141.079,"body":"I've got no family, no friends, no no church mission to do like I am alone in Italy."},{"startTime":4141.799,"endTime":4143.82,"body":"And so what I found."},{"startTime":4143.84,"endTime":4149.102,"body":"was that the only thing I could do was whatever the fuck I wanted to do."},{"startTime":4149.102,"endTime":4151.242,"body":"That's the only thing I could do."},{"startTime":4152.202,"endTime":4165.346,"body":"And I think the lesson that I learned and forgive me if I'm completely misreading your"},{"startTime":4152.202,"endTime":4165.346,"body":"story, but the part of your story that I'm hearing for me is the reminder of it took me"},{"startTime":4165.366,"endTime":4171.548,"body":"being in a foreign country, not speaking the language and being alone for me to recognize"},{"startTime":4172.63,"endTime":4174.851,"body":"I could listen to myself of what I wanted to do."},{"startTime":4174.851,"endTime":4181.1449999999995,"body":"And I wonder if it requires that separation because here I am in my regular life in Idaho."},{"startTime":4181.1449999999995,"endTime":4182.505999999999,"body":"I got bills to pay."},{"startTime":4182.505999999999,"endTime":4183.536,"body":"I got jobs to do."},{"startTime":4183.536,"endTime":4184.727,"body":"I got kids to raise."},{"startTime":4184.727,"endTime":4187.018,"body":"I got friends to visit."},{"startTime":4187.018,"endTime":4190.670999999999,"body":"I got people who I got to say, you know, my wife, where do you want to go to dinner?"},{"startTime":4190.670999999999,"endTime":4200.116,"body":"Like I've got so many people helping me make decisions about me that it's like, hearing"},{"startTime":4190.670999999999,"endTime":4200.116,"body":"your story"},{"startTime":4200.4039999999995,"endTime":4215.678,"body":"is that really, really clear and direct reminder to me about what it was like to live"},{"startTime":4200.4039999999995,"endTime":4215.678,"body":"fully as me, just me, without anyone else informing my identity, without anyone else"},{"startTime":4215.678,"endTime":4224.0109999999995,"body":"informing what I wanted to do, where I wanted to visit, where I wanted to eat, who I"},{"startTime":4215.678,"endTime":4224.0109999999995,"body":"wanted to talk to, who I wanted to interact with."},{"startTime":4224.0109999999995,"endTime":4229.2919999999995,"body":"And so hearing your story, Carly, yours is an augmented version because you're just like,"},{"startTime":4224.0109999999995,"endTime":4229.2919999999995,"body":"look, I got this."},{"startTime":4229.366,"endTime":4236.880999999999,"body":"I got this fucking image in my mind and I'm going to track it down and you end up with all"},{"startTime":4229.366,"endTime":4236.880999999999,"body":"these sort of like almost like quasi magical experiences."},{"startTime":4236.880999999999,"endTime":4248.869,"body":"But as I was listening to that story, I was like, yeah, I've learned what it's like to"},{"startTime":4236.880999999999,"endTime":4248.869,"body":"just be unapologetically and only me."},{"startTime":4248.91,"endTime":4251.892,"body":"And it's like stirring something in me right now."},{"startTime":4251.892,"endTime":4258.288,"body":"It's like I'm having this moment of reminder and it took me going to a foreign country to"},{"startTime":4251.892,"endTime":4258.288,"body":"have it."},{"startTime":4258.288,"endTime":4265.51,"body":"And it now just took you telling me your story of being in a foreign country to remind me"},{"startTime":4258.288,"endTime":4265.51,"body":"of that very, that very feeling."},{"startTime":4265.51,"endTime":4273.762,"body":"So I'm just like, I don't really have much of a point to say other than just the feeling,"},{"startTime":4265.51,"endTime":4273.762,"body":"like the gratitude feeling I'm having right now of like, wait a minute, Doug, you do have"},{"startTime":4273.762,"endTime":4276.133,"body":"you in there and you can listen to just you."},{"startTime":4276.133,"endTime":4282.284,"body":"You don't have to listen to what everybody else is, what everybody else might want to be"},{"startTime":4276.133,"endTime":4282.284,"body":"part of."},{"startTime":4282.284,"endTime":4288.106,"body":"Now that doesn't mean I'm not being, you know, purely me, but it also means I'm using"},{"startTime":4282.284,"endTime":4288.106,"body":"other people"},{"startTime":4288.106,"endTime":4292.606,"body":"and other stimuli to inform me."},{"startTime":4292.606,"endTime":4293.768,"body":"Anyway, does that make?"},{"startTime":4293.768,"endTime":4297.075,"body":"Yeah, that's that's what I'm experiencing is you're telling that story."},{"startTime":4297.075,"endTime":4298.255999999999,"body":"So thank you for that."},{"startTime":4298.603,"endTime":4299.253,"body":"Yeah, you're welcome."},{"startTime":4299.253,"endTime":4302.854,"body":"And it's a reminder that I've been needing myself recently of hilarious."},{"startTime":4302.854,"endTime":4305.245,"body":"Like, who am I when I'm alone?"},{"startTime":4305.245,"endTime":4314.157,"body":"And yeah, who am I when no one is saying no, or when I'm not thinking about, yeah, who I"},{"startTime":4305.245,"endTime":4314.157,"body":"need to please or who I need to check in with today or, you know, regular life things that"},{"startTime":4314.157,"endTime":4316.5869999999995,"body":"are so important in relationships that we have to maintain."},{"startTime":4316.5869999999995,"endTime":4321.789,"body":"But trying to figure out how to moderate that is not an easy task."},{"startTime":4321.789,"endTime":4327.474,"body":"It's really not to figure out where your placement is in regards to these relationships"},{"startTime":4321.789,"endTime":4327.474,"body":"that are still"},{"startTime":4327.474,"endTime":4330.757,"body":"You still have to maintain while still maintaining yourself."},{"startTime":4330.757,"endTime":4340.675,"body":"It's such a slippery slope of getting either too identified with everyone else around you"},{"startTime":4330.757,"endTime":4340.675,"body":"or feeling like you need to be maybe maybe too like too alone and too isolated where you"},{"startTime":4340.675,"endTime":4344.778,"body":"feel like, you know, suddenly no one can quite understand what you're going through."},{"startTime":4344.778,"endTime":4348.611,"body":"And it's like it's just this like teeter totter of how to exist."},{"startTime":4348.611,"endTime":4349.231,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":4349.231,"endTime":4353.034,"body":"Knowing that essentially everyone and everything is fake in a reflection of yourself."},{"startTime":4353.428,"endTime":4358.6539999999995,"body":"And then also therefore knowing that everyone there is here to teach you all these things"},{"startTime":4353.428,"endTime":4358.6539999999995,"body":"about yourself continuously and forever."},{"startTime":4358.6539999999995,"endTime":4365.545,"body":"And how to hold all of that at once is proven impossible so far."},{"startTime":4365.545,"endTime":4369.968,"body":"Well, and two of things that really sit in with me too is not only that, you know, you're"},{"startTime":4365.545,"endTime":4369.968,"body":"leading from that."},{"startTime":4369.968,"endTime":4381.847,"body":"Yes, you're talking about, but what decisions would I make if I trusted that the best is"},{"startTime":4369.968,"endTime":4381.847,"body":"yet to come and that I'm being held or seen?"},{"startTime":4382.334,"endTime":4383.333,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":4384.163,"endTime":4386.464,"body":"how would, how would that change?"},{"startTime":4386.504,"endTime":4390.446,"body":"How many, how many choices do I make or not make?"},{"startTime":4390.465999999999,"endTime":4400.99,"body":"Because I'm scared that the best isn't yet to come and that, and that I'm just gonna crash"},{"startTime":4390.465999999999,"endTime":4400.99,"body":"and burn."},{"startTime":4401.385,"endTime":4402.246,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":4403.132,"endTime":4405.126,"body":"Yeah, exactly."},{"startTime":4405.129,"endTime":4410.162,"body":"And what did, what choices does that keep me from making that I otherwise would make?"},{"startTime":4410.343,"endTime":4413.625,"body":"that's really, that's really sitting with me."},{"startTime":4413.625,"endTime":4424.603,"body":"Cause there's something not only about your story, there's something so free about your"},{"startTime":4413.625,"endTime":4424.603,"body":"story, you know, similar to Doug's about, you know, finding just like you're in a foreign"},{"startTime":4424.603,"endTime":4426.714,"body":"country, doing what you want to do."},{"startTime":4426.9749999999995,"endTime":4429.206,"body":"But then also there's just, there's just a freedom to it."},{"startTime":4429.206,"endTime":4430.427,"body":"I'm like, look, I'll just wander here."},{"startTime":4430.427,"endTime":4431.0779999999995,"body":"I'll wander here."},{"startTime":4431.0779999999995,"endTime":4432.228,"body":"I wander here."},{"startTime":4433.674,"endTime":4434.995,"body":"Excuse me."},{"startTime":4435.116,"endTime":4436.277,"body":"Okay,"},{"startTime":4437.612999999999,"endTime":4439.045999999999,"body":"Just the ghosts are acting up."},{"startTime":4439.045999999999,"endTime":4439.758,"body":"fine."},{"startTime":4439.758,"endTime":4441.303,"body":"That's what happens."},{"startTime":4441.303,"endTime":4443.178,"body":"go to the cemetery, it's just going to be mischief."},{"startTime":4443.178,"endTime":4444.229,"body":"That's what."},{"startTime":4446.901,"endTime":4447.595,"body":"You"},{"startTime":4448.072,"endTime":4449.21,"body":"But sorry, what was that last line?"},{"startTime":4449.21,"endTime":4450.535,"body":"You said it was just"},{"startTime":4451.023999999999,"endTime":4454.121,"body":"I just said when you go to a cemetery, it's going to be mischief."},{"startTime":4454.269,"endTime":4456.139999999999,"body":"yeah, yes it is."},{"startTime":4456.259,"endTime":4460.309,"body":"all those ghosts rattling and beeping and bopping their bells."},{"startTime":4462.621,"endTime":4465.902,"body":"But yeah, it's no easy feat to keep."},{"startTime":4465.902,"endTime":4477.155,"body":"it's something that I keep realizing throughout this last year is like, God is"},{"startTime":4465.902,"endTime":4477.155,"body":"unconditional or whatever you wanna call it, your intuition, your guidance or whatever."},{"startTime":4477.155,"endTime":4480.596,"body":"It's this unconditional thing, right?"},{"startTime":4480.596,"endTime":4490.938999999999,"body":"I remember after my trip, I got done and it was a slippery slope where my ego started to"},{"startTime":4480.596,"endTime":4490.938999999999,"body":"come in and start to tell me that like, you only experienced all these things."},{"startTime":4490.938999999999,"endTime":4493.251,"body":"because you were doing this and this and that."},{"startTime":4493.251,"endTime":4499.034,"body":"And since you woke up today and you didn't do that one thing, now you're not gonna have as"},{"startTime":4493.251,"endTime":4499.034,"body":"much intuition as you did yesterday."},{"startTime":4499.034,"endTime":4503.808,"body":"And those things were starting to come up and it did for like weeks and I didn't even"},{"startTime":4499.034,"endTime":4503.808,"body":"notice."},{"startTime":4503.808,"endTime":4509.102,"body":"And it's just, yeah, I think, I don't know why I keep losing my train of thought."},{"startTime":4509.102,"endTime":4510.443,"body":"You guys, I'm so sorry."},{"startTime":4510.443,"endTime":4512.604,"body":"This is so embarrassing for me."},{"startTime":4512.604,"endTime":4515.536,"body":"I told them to have coffee."},{"startTime":4515.536,"endTime":4517.117,"body":"I'm so embarrassed."},{"startTime":4517.237999999999,"endTime":4518.074,"body":"I don't know why."},{"startTime":4518.074,"endTime":4521.38,"body":"getting so jazzed and then I just explode and then I lose my train of thought."},{"startTime":4521.38,"endTime":4521.88,"body":"so good."},{"startTime":4521.88,"endTime":4525.491,"body":"And we'll press where it kind of towards the stopping point yet, but I did want to make a"},{"startTime":4521.88,"endTime":4525.491,"body":"plug."},{"startTime":4525.491,"endTime":4527.602,"body":"So I don't call it God."},{"startTime":4527.942,"endTime":4532.744,"body":"I call him Yoda, which is like a Spanish word for Yoda."},{"startTime":4534.1849999999995,"endTime":4538.196,"body":"And that's in tribute to the Doug and I met our favorite person on earth."},{"startTime":4538.196,"endTime":4539.505999999999,"body":"name is Carmen."},{"startTime":4539.586,"endTime":4542.054999999999,"body":"Hello Carmen, if you're listening, if you're out there, we love you."},{"startTime":4542.2029999999995,"endTime":4542.794,"body":"Bye, Kermit."},{"startTime":4542.794,"endTime":4544.6669999999995,"body":"she taught us about Yoda."},{"startTime":4547.535,"endTime":4550.6359999999995,"body":"And that's my God image now is Yoda."},{"startTime":4550.6359999999995,"endTime":4551.499,"body":"Joda is your God."},{"startTime":4551.499,"endTime":4553.303,"body":"I love that's your God image."},{"startTime":4554.168,"endTime":4555.861,"body":"Carly, what's your God image?"},{"startTime":4557.398999999999,"endTime":4559.724,"body":"You know, I'm still working on the image."},{"startTime":4559.724,"endTime":4562.379,"body":"I do feel like God is me though when we're not separate."},{"startTime":4563.192,"endTime":4565.059,"body":"So you are your god image."},{"startTime":4565.317,"endTime":4568.799,"body":"I essentially when I picture God, I don't picture me."},{"startTime":4568.799,"endTime":4570.679999999999,"body":"It's definitely someone different."},{"startTime":4570.84,"endTime":4576.543,"body":"But it's I feel like there's there's the awareness of the non separation, right?"},{"startTime":4577.183,"endTime":4584.027,"body":"Of like, I'm always in the regard of me and God being the same as that I always have"},{"startTime":4577.183,"endTime":4584.027,"body":"access to God."},{"startTime":4584.027,"endTime":4584.9169999999995,"body":"That's what I was saying."},{"startTime":4584.9169999999995,"endTime":4586.478,"body":"Thank you, my brain."},{"startTime":4586.595,"endTime":4588.45,"body":"is that I always have access to God."},{"startTime":4588.45,"endTime":4596.438,"body":"Anytime that I think I don't have access to God, it's because I'm feeding myself some"},{"startTime":4588.45,"endTime":4596.438,"body":"bullshit story about why I wouldn't be able to receive unconditional love."},{"startTime":4598.264,"endTime":4604.816,"body":"And I found and I've been finding how much we do that so many times a day."},{"startTime":4604.816,"endTime":4607.686,"body":"And I'm someone who really likes myself."},{"startTime":4607.8859999999995,"endTime":4608.617,"body":"I really do."},{"startTime":4608.617,"endTime":4616.869,"body":"I spent a lot of time getting to know the ins and outs of me and what it means to like her"},{"startTime":4608.617,"endTime":4616.869,"body":"and to love her and to hold her when she needs to."},{"startTime":4617.089,"endTime":4626.090999999999,"body":"But at the same time, man, it's like I I swear it's like four days ago, I turned around"},{"startTime":4617.089,"endTime":4626.090999999999,"body":"and I realized last month."},{"startTime":4626.701,"endTime":4635.804,"body":"I've been having a good time and loving my friends and doing these things, but at the same"},{"startTime":4626.701,"endTime":4635.804,"body":"time in this other compartment in the back right side of my brain, man, I have been being"},{"startTime":4635.804,"endTime":4636.844,"body":"mean to her."},{"startTime":4636.844,"endTime":4646.607,"body":"I have not been letting her talk or express or, you know, let her share what excites her"},{"startTime":4636.844,"endTime":4646.607,"body":"or what scares her."},{"startTime":4646.607,"endTime":4653.839,"body":"I think I got so caught up in this whole not quite having identification."},{"startTime":4653.845,"endTime":4665.159,"body":"or that being malleable enough that it can be anything, that the way my ego snuck up on me"},{"startTime":4653.845,"endTime":4665.159,"body":"and turned that into something kind of poisonous was anytime that identification would"},{"startTime":4665.159,"endTime":4674.142,"body":"come up for me that didn't perfectly suit the label of nothingness, I would reject it."},{"startTime":4674.594,"endTime":4675.38,"body":"Man."},{"startTime":4676.652,"endTime":4683.925,"body":"And it's crazy, like it was the second you boys pay attention because I have been paying"},{"startTime":4676.652,"endTime":4683.925,"body":"attention, you will realize how many times you reject yourself in a day."},{"startTime":4684.045999999999,"endTime":4685.977,"body":"It can be like, I kind of want a glass of water."},{"startTime":4685.977,"endTime":4686.867,"body":"I'm kind of thirsty."},{"startTime":4686.867,"endTime":4687.1669999999995,"body":"Nope."},{"startTime":4687.1669999999995,"endTime":4688.527,"body":"I'm not going to get one."},{"startTime":4688.768,"endTime":4689.848,"body":"And you do that."},{"startTime":4689.848,"endTime":4691.049,"body":"You will."},{"startTime":4691.629,"endTime":4701.864,"body":"And I think the only reason, I mean, there's so many reasons, but one of the main reasons"},{"startTime":4691.629,"endTime":4701.864,"body":"why we do that is because we're trying to feel productive in each present moment."},{"startTime":4701.878,"endTime":4707.804,"body":"And the easiest way to do that is rejecting because rejecting at the end of the day is"},{"startTime":4701.878,"endTime":4707.804,"body":"still making a decision."},{"startTime":4708.085,"endTime":4712.648999999999,"body":"It's just not having to physically make a decision."},{"startTime":4712.812,"endTime":4714.438999999999,"body":"God, that's so interesting to think about."},{"startTime":4714.438999999999,"endTime":4718.686,"body":"Like, fear of rejection starts with self -rejection."},{"startTime":4719.737,"endTime":4723.5779999999995,"body":"yeah, because again, self -rejection is only self -preservation."},{"startTime":4723.858,"endTime":4728.44,"body":"Self -rejection is your nervous system saying, I've seen this before, this means we're not"},{"startTime":4723.858,"endTime":4728.44,"body":"going to live."},{"startTime":4728.44,"endTime":4736.223,"body":"And that can literally be solving a math equation, or that can be doing something actually"},{"startTime":4728.44,"endTime":4736.223,"body":"physically dangerous."},{"startTime":4736.223,"endTime":4740.76,"body":"Your nervous system does not know the difference what is happening in the physical world."},{"startTime":4740.76,"endTime":4741.876,"body":"Yeah, that's true."},{"startTime":4741.876,"endTime":4742.208,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":4742.208,"endTime":4743.401,"body":"mean, geez."},{"startTime":4744.193,"endTime":4744.5509999999995,"body":"So."},{"startTime":4744.5509999999995,"endTime":4746.5019999999995,"body":"no, it's interesting because you mentioned this, Carly."},{"startTime":4746.5019999999995,"endTime":4755.429,"body":"I know we have to wrap up here soon, but you mentioned when you were traveling around and"},{"startTime":4746.5019999999995,"endTime":4755.429,"body":"you were like, you didn't have a fear of like people telling you no, or it just bounced"},{"startTime":4755.429,"endTime":4756.519,"body":"off of you."},{"startTime":4757.16,"endTime":4764.124,"body":"And I've had those moments when it's like, I'm actually like when I'm living from like an"},{"startTime":4757.16,"endTime":4764.124,"body":"authentic place."},{"startTime":4764.745,"endTime":4768.1269999999995,"body":"It's kind of like this thing of like, or speaking from that place."},{"startTime":4768.588,"endTime":4771.009,"body":"It's like, I'm not really worried if they say no or not."},{"startTime":4771.009,"endTime":4771.8099999999995,"body":"It's weird."},{"startTime":4771.8099999999995,"endTime":4773.981,"body":"It's kind of like, yeah, like."},{"startTime":4774.155,"endTime":4778.487999999999,"body":"if they say, cause if they say no, it's like, okay, well, I was speaking for my authentic"},{"startTime":4774.155,"endTime":4778.487999999999,"body":"place and it was a no."},{"startTime":4778.487999999999,"endTime":4779.5779999999995,"body":"So that's fine."},{"startTime":4780.879,"endTime":4784.981,"body":"it's when I'm trying to, when I'm speaking for a different place, I'm trying to manipulate"},{"startTime":4780.879,"endTime":4784.981,"body":"that."},{"startTime":4784.981,"endTime":4786.982,"body":"Now I'm worried about the response."},{"startTime":4787.262,"endTime":4789.2429999999995,"body":"Now I, now I get worried about it."},{"startTime":4790.732,"endTime":4792.373,"body":"exactly, exactly."},{"startTime":4792.373,"endTime":4792.893,"body":"my God."},{"startTime":4792.893,"endTime":4801.429,"body":"Something so funny that's been happening to me kind of on that same note is when I was"},{"startTime":4792.893,"endTime":4801.429,"body":"trying to meditate the last couple days, trying to get back into my thing, you know, and"},{"startTime":4801.429,"endTime":4807.702,"body":"I'd have these moments, so classic, where I'm like trying to do the whole not thinking"},{"startTime":4801.429,"endTime":4807.702,"body":"thing."},{"startTime":4807.782999999999,"endTime":4812.105,"body":"And I think about like, I start to get to like the nothingness, like the blackness."},{"startTime":4812.105,"endTime":4814.047,"body":"And then I think like, what am I thinking?"},{"startTime":4814.047,"endTime":4814.699,"body":"And then I'm like,"},{"startTime":4814.699,"endTime":4815.880999999999,"body":"I don't know what I'm thinking."},{"startTime":4815.880999999999,"endTime":4816.742,"body":"What am I thinking?"},{"startTime":4816.742,"endTime":4818.264,"body":"And it's like, I don't know what I'm thinking."},{"startTime":4818.264,"endTime":4820.1759999999995,"body":"And then I like, start to like panic about that."},{"startTime":4820.1759999999995,"endTime":4822.237999999999,"body":"I don't know what I'm thinking, but I'm thinking about that."},{"startTime":4822.237999999999,"endTime":4823.971,"body":"I'm thinking about nothing."},{"startTime":4823.971,"endTime":4826.572999999999,"body":"And like suddenly that's what's wrong."},{"startTime":4826.574,"endTime":4831.13,"body":"Is that like, I don't know what I'm thinking about, but it's what I'm thinking about."},{"startTime":4831.13,"endTime":4832.096,"body":"You know what I mean?"},{"startTime":4832.096,"endTime":4836.626,"body":"dude, you are you are you are narrating my internal monologue right now like"},{"startTime":4836.742,"endTime":4838.7919999999995,"body":"just like, what is going on?"},{"startTime":4838.7919999999995,"endTime":4841.952,"body":"The next thing you know, you're like anxious and it's like, how did I get here?"},{"startTime":4841.952,"endTime":4843.102,"body":"Everything's fine."},{"startTime":4843.102,"endTime":4845.7119999999995,"body":"Everything is just as fine as it was 10 seconds ago."},{"startTime":4845.7119999999995,"endTime":4848.142,"body":"I convinced myself that it's a problem."},{"startTime":4848.142,"endTime":4850.782,"body":"I convinced myself that there's now a problem."},{"startTime":4851.282,"endTime":4855.562,"body":"And I still don't know why exactly fully we do that."},{"startTime":4855.562,"endTime":4857.822,"body":"I think it's to keep us alive."},{"startTime":4857.822,"endTime":4865.554,"body":"But I think at the end of the day, it's also to keep us from growing, unfortunately,"},{"startTime":4857.822,"endTime":4865.554,"body":"because I think growth is pain."},{"startTime":4865.554,"endTime":4865.924,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":4865.924,"endTime":4871.9039999999995,"body":"Again, solving a math equation, you're learning how to do something, you're growing that"},{"startTime":4865.924,"endTime":4871.9039999999995,"body":"part of your brain, that equals pain."},{"startTime":4871.9039999999995,"endTime":4875.489,"body":"And I think your ego doesn't quite know the difference between the two."},{"startTime":4877.3,"endTime":4883.0689999999995,"body":"But I'm so sorry, the bright train of thought is not continuing."},{"startTime":4883.0689999999995,"endTime":4885.8009999999995,"body":"I got I got good news and bad news for you too."},{"startTime":4885.8009999999995,"endTime":4889.273999999999,"body":"And it's the same thing."},{"startTime":4889.795,"endTime":4890.965999999999,"body":"I want more."},{"startTime":4894.4619999999995,"endTime":4895.803,"body":"I would love that."},{"startTime":4896.126,"endTime":4897.849,"body":"we've got to stop here."},{"startTime":4897.849,"endTime":4902.8859999999995,"body":"This is as good a place as any with basically just like, look, everything's fine."},{"startTime":4902.8859999999995,"endTime":4904.309,"body":"mean, goddamn, everything's fine."},{"startTime":4904.309,"endTime":4905.8009999999995,"body":"I have a tattoo that says everything's fine."},{"startTime":4905.8009999999995,"endTime":4909.767,"body":"But Carly, can we do this again?"},{"startTime":4909.767,"endTime":4911.018,"body":"Can we get part two?"},{"startTime":4911.913,"endTime":4913.057,"body":"Absolutely love that."},{"startTime":4913.057,"endTime":4914.7519999999995,"body":"Yes, please and again."},{"startTime":4914.7519999999995,"endTime":4918.425,"body":"I'm I'm sorry boys for yeah, I'm sorry."},{"startTime":4918.425,"endTime":4919.001,"body":"I'm a little"},{"startTime":4919.001,"endTime":4921.695,"body":"don't apologize for blowing my mind."},{"startTime":4923.071,"endTime":4926.482,"body":"But before you go, Carly, is there anything you want to plug?"},{"startTime":4929.088,"endTime":4933.3589999999995,"body":"just am I, that's a good question."},{"startTime":4935.1449999999995,"endTime":4938.929,"body":"If you want to support a local business, there's low key Carly."},{"startTime":4938.929,"endTime":4941.271,"body":"That's my main source of income right now."},{"startTime":4943.174,"endTime":4943.874,"body":"There's that."},{"startTime":4943.874,"endTime":4945.706,"body":"That's kind of the only page that I use."},{"startTime":4945.706,"endTime":4948.129,"body":"I also have a crazy story about that."},{"startTime":4948.129,"endTime":4952.271,"body":"I would love to tell you some of the things I feel like I just didn't quite..."},{"startTime":4952.271,"endTime":4952.602,"body":"into that."},{"startTime":4952.602,"endTime":4954.825,"body":"We gotta dive into that whole fucking thing."},{"startTime":4954.825,"endTime":4958.9839999999995,"body":"That's why I was like, I don't even know if we want to plug this thing until we do part"},{"startTime":4954.825,"endTime":4958.9839999999995,"body":"one, two type of deal."},{"startTime":4958.9839999999995,"endTime":4960.4439999999995,"body":"actually don't."},{"startTime":4960.4439999999995,"endTime":4965.344,"body":"I don't know if I'm ready to plug that because you guys I have the craziest story ever."},{"startTime":4965.344,"endTime":4966.744,"body":"It just happened."},{"startTime":4966.744,"endTime":4969.784,"body":"I just lost like $80 ,000."},{"startTime":4970.523999999999,"endTime":4972.124,"body":"Last you guys it was crazy."},{"startTime":4972.124,"endTime":4973.104,"body":"It was crazy."},{"startTime":4973.104,"endTime":4974.4039999999995,"body":"And it was insane."},{"startTime":4974.4039999999995,"endTime":4976.313999999999,"body":"And it like has to do with all this stuff."},{"startTime":4976.313999999999,"endTime":4978.104,"body":"It was insane."},{"startTime":4978.104,"endTime":4979.874,"body":"I have so many things to tell you guys."},{"startTime":4979.874,"endTime":4983.324,"body":"I feel like I just kind of low key botched this and I'm so sorry."},{"startTime":4983.324,"endTime":4985.144,"body":"I would really love to do a part two."},{"startTime":4985.144,"endTime":4987.281,"body":"I have so many things I want to share."},{"startTime":4987.281,"endTime":4987.924,"body":"you say..."},{"startTime":4987.924,"endTime":4990.3679999999995,"body":"blotch this, we wouldn't be saying let's do part two."},{"startTime":4990.727,"endTime":5001.380999999999,"body":"Okay, because I feel like I keep getting like on this train of thought and then I think"},{"startTime":4990.727,"endTime":5001.380999999999,"body":"I'm just over caffeinated and I literally see the train explode and then it's gone."},{"startTime":5001.380999999999,"endTime":5003.833,"body":"I'm so embarrassed."},{"startTime":5004.086,"endTime":5010.179,"body":"just go in tangents over here, So don't, yeah, don't feel that at all."},{"startTime":5010.179,"endTime":5014.331,"body":"Let's just, let's, you two are communicating."},{"startTime":5014.331,"endTime":5016.766,"body":"Let's just get a text and figure out when we can do this."},{"startTime":5016.766,"endTime":5020.355,"body":"any links you want to put in the bio for now, but if not, we want to save it for the next"},{"startTime":5016.766,"endTime":5020.355,"body":"part."},{"startTime":5020.355,"endTime":5020.965999999999,"body":"knew that too."},{"startTime":5020.965999999999,"endTime":5025.717,"body":"So, but Carly, I'm glad we made this happen and."},{"startTime":5025.789,"endTime":5026.98,"body":"Yes, me too."},{"startTime":5026.98,"endTime":5028.2519999999995,"body":"Thank God it took us."},{"startTime":5028.2519999999995,"endTime":5030.016,"body":"Took us until now, but we've done it."},{"startTime":5030.016,"endTime":5031.8769999999995,"body":"Let's not wait this long for part two, girl."},{"startTime":5031.8769999999995,"endTime":5033.885,"body":"Let's do it in like the week or whatever."},{"startTime":5033.934,"endTime":5035.605,"body":"Honestly, I would love to."},{"startTime":5035.605,"endTime":5044.6269999999995,"body":"Again, I'm getting back on my shit and I promise I would just love to tell a coherent next"},{"startTime":5035.605,"endTime":5044.6269999999995,"body":"story next time that is coherent and we could pick which one."},{"startTime":5044.6269999999995,"endTime":5049.679,"body":"There's so many that have happened that would just be so on theme with all of the things."},{"startTime":5049.679,"endTime":5052.42,"body":"And this has been so fun."},{"startTime":5052.76,"endTime":5056.401,"body":"But within the week, I would absolutely love to just let me know when you guys can."},{"startTime":5056.681,"endTime":5061.75,"body":"You are so adorable and delightful and wise behind your, you're so wise behind your ears."},{"startTime":5061.75,"endTime":5062.691,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":5062.894,"endTime":5063.528,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":5063.528,"endTime":5064.4929999999995,"body":"you."},{"startTime":5064.4929999999995,"endTime":5066.378,"body":"I'll throw my camera away."},{"startTime":5066.482,"endTime":5067.255,"body":"Say bye."},{"startTime":5067.255,"endTime":5071.675,"body":"I had that wisdom at 20 and change."},{"startTime":5074.518,"endTime":5080.36,"body":"I'm trying to do my best to hold it right now, but it's it helps to bounce it off of you"},{"startTime":5074.518,"endTime":5080.36,"body":"guys."},{"startTime":5080.36,"endTime":5081.151,"body":"So thank you."},{"startTime":5081.151,"endTime":5088.664,"body":"don't I don't quite have any one in my life that gets it either is in that kind of like"},{"startTime":5081.151,"endTime":5088.664,"body":"spiritual or even psychedelic space."},{"startTime":5088.664,"endTime":5089.23,"body":"So."},{"startTime":5089.23,"endTime":5090.931,"body":"plus it's good to let it keep moving."},{"startTime":5090.931,"endTime":5091.942,"body":"You don't want to hold it right."},{"startTime":5091.942,"endTime":5093.022,"body":"It flows."},{"startTime":5093.503,"endTime":5096.6449999999995,"body":"It feels better when it's flowing like water and moving."},{"startTime":5096.6449999999995,"endTime":5098.327,"body":"So that's yeah."},{"startTime":5098.327,"endTime":5099.588,"body":"Let's just keep fucking doing this."},{"startTime":5099.588,"endTime":5100.617,"body":"That's not good."},{"startTime":5100.617,"endTime":5101.148,"body":"I love you all."},{"startTime":5101.148,"endTime":5104.855,"body":"I'm going hit stop because we have to make sure everything uploads in a second."},{"startTime":5104.855,"endTime":5107.44,"body":"let's say goodbye."},{"startTime":5107.44,"endTime":5109.213,"body":"But stay on for just one second."},{"startTime":5109.213,"endTime":5110.508,"body":"stay on for a"},{"startTime":5111.012,"endTime":5111.794,"body":"Okay."}]}