{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":104.873,"endTime":112.7,"body":"For the first time in three weeks, I did have two drinks before we got on this recording."},{"startTime":112.78,"endTime":115.72800000000001,"body":"I should have like had a little substance, but I'm good."},{"startTime":115.72800000000001,"endTime":133.735,"body":"two drinks, it's amazing what three weeks will do, Including sober New Year's Eve, sober"},{"startTime":115.72800000000001,"endTime":133.735,"body":"New Year's Day, sober Christmas, all that kind of two drinks wouldn't have even registered"},{"startTime":133.735,"endTime":138.959,"body":"with me, but I can feel a little bit today where I'm like, I'm being cool."},{"startTime":138.959,"endTime":140.15,"body":"I'm pretty cool."},{"startTime":141.211,"endTime":142.352,"body":"It is nice."},{"startTime":142.502,"endTime":146.292,"body":"the worst is when you've had like a few and you're like, I'm not even feeling it."},{"startTime":146.292,"endTime":148.155,"body":"And like, what am I even doing?"},{"startTime":148.268,"endTime":149.15,"body":"yeah."},{"startTime":149.591,"endTime":153.95600000000002,"body":"Well, and that's the right question to ask, Is what am I even doing?"},{"startTime":154.922,"endTime":163.507,"body":"Yeah, when it just feels like I'm drinking, but it's like I'm not feeling anything and or"},{"startTime":154.922,"endTime":163.507,"body":"this like, why am I not feeling something after this many drinks?"},{"startTime":163.507,"endTime":165.969,"body":"Like I there's something going on with that."},{"startTime":165.969,"endTime":172.833,"body":"But but I also had a completely sober New Year's with I got sick, man."},{"startTime":172.893,"endTime":174.257,"body":"I was out last week."},{"startTime":174.257,"endTime":175.209,"body":"were like..."},{"startTime":175.696,"endTime":177.723,"body":"You were almost dead, it seems like."},{"startTime":178.262,"endTime":181.902,"body":"Yeah, I was out for a good like five days, knocked me flat."},{"startTime":182.462,"endTime":186.062,"body":"So it's been nice in the last few days to be back in the land of the living."},{"startTime":186.062,"endTime":192.91199999999998,"body":"Although I did, before we hit record, I was telling you a little bit about my Nosferatu"},{"startTime":186.062,"endTime":192.91199999999998,"body":"experience last night where."},{"startTime":192.91199999999998,"endTime":194.34300000000002,"body":"I can't believe you went to it alone."},{"startTime":194.34300000000002,"endTime":204.077,"body":"I mean, listen, you've seen the old, like the old, old, like Nosferatu, right?"},{"startTime":205.878,"endTime":211.587,"body":"I've heard that this one is just like terrifying and disturbing."},{"startTime":211.587,"endTime":212.92700000000002,"body":"Yes, all of the above."},{"startTime":212.92700000000002,"endTime":220.61,"body":"And the worst part, and I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, I did this with"},{"startTime":212.92700000000002,"endTime":220.61,"body":"heratica too, is I went super fucking high."},{"startTime":221.51100000000002,"endTime":230.594,"body":"And so it bends reality for me when I'm watching something that terrifying and high to"},{"startTime":221.51100000000002,"endTime":230.594,"body":"where it's like..."},{"startTime":230.60199999999998,"endTime":232.90500000000003,"body":"Like last night I was convinced."},{"startTime":233.788,"endTime":236.41700000000003,"body":"I watched it in downtown LA and I'm a quick from the apartment."},{"startTime":236.41700000000003,"endTime":237.80599999999998,"body":"I'm a quick like scooter ride away."},{"startTime":237.80599999999998,"endTime":241.22199999999998,"body":"Those, you know, those electric scooters, you can just write, you know."},{"startTime":241.68099999999998,"endTime":251.14600000000002,"body":"At some point they got to start doing some kind of laws or regulations around those"},{"startTime":241.68099999999998,"endTime":251.14600000000002,"body":"scooters because I have been hot-dogging in the streets of like Austin, Texas Drunk as a"},{"startTime":251.14600000000002,"endTime":254.04700000000003,"body":"skunk on those things like you those things are dangerous"},{"startTime":255.02499999999998,"endTime":266.092,"body":"Well, the state I was in when I walked out of theater, I'm like, I'm Ubering back because"},{"startTime":255.02499999999998,"endTime":266.092,"body":"I was worried that I, and it wasn't so much that I was impaired."},{"startTime":266.373,"endTime":270.716,"body":"It was, I was freaked out and I thought I was in the ghost realm."},{"startTime":270.716,"endTime":272.022,"body":"thought, okay."},{"startTime":272.022,"endTime":279.83,"body":"I, at one point watching the movie, I'm like, okay, I think we really are in the land of"},{"startTime":272.022,"endTime":279.83,"body":"the dead actually."},{"startTime":279.83,"endTime":292.061,"body":"Like we are already dead and maybe we just have this illusion over our eyes that like"},{"startTime":279.83,"endTime":292.061,"body":"once, like one of the rules of like this reality that we've been plugged into is that once"},{"startTime":292.061,"endTime":293.272,"body":"something dies, it's dead."},{"startTime":293.272,"endTime":293.972,"body":"It doesn't come back."},{"startTime":293.972,"endTime":295.483,"body":"Now cycles happen."},{"startTime":295.483,"endTime":301.629,"body":"know, things get reborn and spring comes again and you know, leaves come back on trees and"},{"startTime":295.483,"endTime":301.629,"body":"stuff."},{"startTime":301.629,"endTime":308.114,"body":"But if a tree, if I go out and poison a tree and it dies, that tree is not coming back in"},{"startTime":301.629,"endTime":308.114,"body":"its form."},{"startTime":308.662,"endTime":311.362,"body":"But I was like, but maybe that's just an illusion, man."},{"startTime":312.382,"endTime":315.682,"body":"Maybe things are going to start coming back to life."},{"startTime":316.322,"endTime":317.962,"body":"And I'm walking out of the theater."},{"startTime":317.962,"endTime":321.502,"body":"like, I can just sense the realm of the dead."},{"startTime":322.24199999999996,"endTime":324.842,"body":"And I just need a newber ride home."},{"startTime":326.59,"endTime":335.897,"body":"Well, so I'm curious about that too, because wouldn't that be a little bit scary, telling"},{"startTime":326.59,"endTime":335.897,"body":"them with an Uber driver and getting into a stranger's car and having them, like, what was"},{"startTime":335.897,"endTime":336.558,"body":"that like for you?"},{"startTime":336.558,"endTime":337.202,"body":"Was that not weird?"},{"startTime":337.202,"endTime":337.683,"body":"it was pretty good."},{"startTime":337.683,"endTime":338.715,"body":"We chatted the whole time."},{"startTime":338.715,"endTime":339.887,"body":"He was he was a cool cat."},{"startTime":339.887,"endTime":340.74899999999997,"body":"We chatted."},{"startTime":340.74899999999997,"endTime":342.553,"body":"He was surprised I wouldn't go see the movie alone."},{"startTime":342.553,"endTime":346.671,"body":"He's like, dude, I don't see movies alone, let alone Nosferatu."},{"startTime":346.671,"endTime":347.28,"body":"He's like."},{"startTime":347.28,"endTime":348.9,"body":"that's what I'm trying to say over here."},{"startTime":348.9,"endTime":351.142,"body":"Like that's a little bit of a trip, man."},{"startTime":351.142,"endTime":355.623,"body":"Yeah, it was, it's a terrifyingly good movie."},{"startTime":356.544,"endTime":359.10499999999996,"body":"I just wish I remembered it."},{"startTime":359.10499999999996,"endTime":361.16499999999996,"body":"I need to go watch it again."},{"startTime":361.485,"endTime":365.366,"body":"Like I was so in my own head and my own realm through it."},{"startTime":365.366,"endTime":374.479,"body":"And even then it was like, I'm, I'm delving into my psyche with it and, do I have a hidden"},{"startTime":365.366,"endTime":374.479,"body":"vampire that's just ready to come out now?"},{"startTime":374.479,"endTime":377.03,"body":"Maybe now it's my Nosferatu era."},{"startTime":378.294,"endTime":379.774,"body":"with my vampire."},{"startTime":379.774,"endTime":382.974,"body":"I've told you how I feel like I've been a vampire sometimes."},{"startTime":384.174,"endTime":400.894,"body":"You know, when I go to concerts sometimes like, um, well, yeah, I'll go to a concert and"},{"startTime":384.174,"endTime":400.894,"body":"it's actually happened like that, uh, techno rave I went to where, you know, half the time"},{"startTime":400.894,"endTime":405.49399999999997,"body":"a woman will start dancing in front of me and expose her neck to me."},{"startTime":405.758,"endTime":406.15999999999997,"body":"you"},{"startTime":406.15999999999997,"endTime":410.94,"body":"And she'll just throw her head back and like bare her neck in a way."},{"startTime":412.06,"endTime":417.09999999999997,"body":"and I sometimes I'm in that state where I'm just like, think she just, they, she wants me"},{"startTime":412.06,"endTime":417.09999999999997,"body":"to suck her blood."},{"startTime":417.09999999999997,"endTime":418.62,"body":"I think that's just what she wants."},{"startTime":418.62,"endTime":420.816,"body":"And, but you know, I don't."},{"startTime":420.816,"endTime":422.627,"body":"the world is one of my favorite things."},{"startTime":422.627,"endTime":429.969,"body":"Like I never in a million years would be dancing at a place and have somebody come dance"},{"startTime":422.627,"endTime":429.969,"body":"with me."},{"startTime":429.969,"endTime":440.562,"body":"And if they were like looking back and like kind of like backing it up a little bit or"},{"startTime":429.969,"endTime":440.562,"body":"like kind of like side to side neck, I would never think to myself in the moment, is she"},{"startTime":440.562,"endTime":441.61199999999997,"body":"bearing her neck to me?"},{"startTime":441.61199999999997,"endTime":445.533,"body":"Cause she wants me to bite her neck and suck her blood like a vampire."},{"startTime":445.533,"endTime":448.634,"body":"Like I never would think that in my whole entire life."},{"startTime":448.658,"endTime":450.872,"body":"Well, it's a certain way she does it, you know?"},{"startTime":451.22499999999997,"endTime":452.352,"body":"Hahaha!"},{"startTime":456.144,"endTime":459.986,"body":"my gosh, By the way, I love you."},{"startTime":459.986,"endTime":466.88,"body":"kind of you kind of told me before we started talking, but you didn't you didn't tell it"},{"startTime":459.986,"endTime":466.88,"body":"on this."},{"startTime":467.09999999999997,"endTime":475.224,"body":"Like you went to the theater to see because I saw Bob Dylan movie and I was like calling"},{"startTime":467.09999999999997,"endTime":475.224,"body":"you like, dude, you got to go see the Bob Dylan movie."},{"startTime":475.565,"endTime":481.46799999999996,"body":"And so you went to see the Bob Dylan movie and you settled on Nosferatu."},{"startTime":481.46799999999996,"endTime":484.114,"body":"Like, dude, you could get high and watch the Bob Dylan movie."},{"startTime":484.114,"endTime":484.9,"body":"It'd be totally fine."},{"startTime":484.9,"endTime":485.88,"body":"You'd be like."},{"startTime":485.93399999999997,"endTime":488.256,"body":"God, I suddenly love Bob Dylan music."},{"startTime":488.256,"endTime":491.178,"body":"Like I've loved Bob Dylan since I was tiny, since I was born."},{"startTime":491.178,"endTime":498.02299999999997,"body":"You know, as you know, like, most of my, I either cover Bob Dylan, or I kind of sing Bob"},{"startTime":491.178,"endTime":498.02299999999997,"body":"Dylan songs like that."},{"startTime":498.02299999999997,"endTime":499.74399999999997,"body":"I like that I write, you know what I mean?"},{"startTime":499.74399999999997,"endTime":503.977,"body":"But, but for me, it was like, this is just right where I want to be."},{"startTime":503.977,"endTime":505.388,"body":"And I did this is a perfect spot."},{"startTime":505.388,"endTime":506.529,"body":"And I love this movie so much."},{"startTime":506.529,"endTime":510.272,"body":"And so I called you and I was like, better understand it, go see the Bob Dylan movie."},{"startTime":510.272,"endTime":513.804,"body":"So you go to the theater, you're like, Okay, Doug, I'm gonna go see the Bob Dylan movie."},{"startTime":513.936,"endTime":515.9110000000001,"body":"Are you good enough for that too?"},{"startTime":519.463,"endTime":520.463,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":520.664,"endTime":522.3050000000001,"body":"And that was after I'd had the edible too."},{"startTime":522.3050000000001,"endTime":533.035,"body":"so I first, I just stopped by a local pub, you know, by the theater and I got myself a"},{"startTime":522.3050000000001,"endTime":533.035,"body":"beer, popped the edible."},{"startTime":533.035,"endTime":541.662,"body":"Then I walked over and I realized that just in the act of getting that beer, I'd missed"},{"startTime":533.035,"endTime":541.662,"body":"the seven o'clock showing of Complete Unknown."},{"startTime":541.662,"endTime":544.412,"body":"And the next showing wasn't until like 1050."},{"startTime":544.412,"endTime":547.201,"body":"Dude, nobody wants to go to an 11pm movie."},{"startTime":547.46,"endTime":549.52,"body":"So there was like an 830, no Sforato."},{"startTime":549.52,"endTime":551.1800000000001,"body":"like, okay, yeah, that's the one."},{"startTime":552.9,"endTime":560.36,"body":"I gotta go back and see his other films like The Witch and I've never seen, no."},{"startTime":560.966,"endTime":561.966,"body":"Oof."},{"startTime":562.546,"endTime":568.873,"body":"I watched The Witch alone, because that's not, look, that's not something my wife's but"},{"startTime":562.546,"endTime":568.873,"body":"like down for, you know?"},{"startTime":568.873,"endTime":569.634,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":570.738,"endTime":579.058,"body":"The Witch is a good movie, but it's creepy as shit."},{"startTime":579.3520000000001,"endTime":581.452,"body":"Have you seen the lighthouse too?"},{"startTime":581.652,"endTime":582.832,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":583.7520000000001,"endTime":584.572,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":584.572,"endTime":585.212,"body":"Uh huh."},{"startTime":585.212,"endTime":586.392,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":586.5120000000001,"endTime":586.932,"body":"Same."},{"startTime":586.932,"endTime":592.375,"body":"The Lighthouse is one those movies where I'm like being stubborn about for no reason."},{"startTime":592.375,"endTime":597.8770000000001,"body":"You ever have that where some, like once in a while a movie will come along and"},{"startTime":592.375,"endTime":597.8770000000001,"body":"everybody's like, you gotta see this movie, it's so good."},{"startTime":597.8770000000001,"endTime":601.298,"body":"The friends and family will tell you about it, internet will tell you about it."},{"startTime":601.298,"endTime":605.58,"body":"And then it's just like, well, I'm not gonna see it."},{"startTime":605.58,"endTime":608.365,"body":"I'm too busy for that."},{"startTime":608.365,"endTime":610.3520000000001,"body":"I don't have the time to invest in it."},{"startTime":610.3520000000001,"endTime":612.205,"body":"That's what the lighthouse is for me."},{"startTime":612.6160000000001,"endTime":616.8580000000001,"body":"That was me and Ted Lasso this whole up until this break."},{"startTime":616.8580000000001,"endTime":617.9490000000001,"body":"I finally binged it."},{"startTime":617.9490000000001,"endTime":621.2800000000001,"body":"I finally binged it and it was lovely."},{"startTime":621.2800000000001,"endTime":622.0200000000001,"body":"I loved it."},{"startTime":622.0200000000001,"endTime":626.9720000000001,"body":"was a feel good, warm hearted, a lot about male psychology, which is interesting."},{"startTime":626.9720000000001,"endTime":631.6640000000001,"body":"And I can relate to Ted in a lot of ways."},{"startTime":632.745,"endTime":634.505,"body":"Yeah, I loved it."},{"startTime":636.5060000000001,"endTime":640.6880000000001,"body":"And but yeah, I guess going back real quick to Nosferatu."},{"startTime":642.0360000000001,"endTime":657.4590000000001,"body":"I want go back and see this guy's other films because he, it was such a master of like"},{"startTime":642.0360000000001,"endTime":657.4590000000001,"body":"creating a mood and an ambiance and to where it felt like you were in a dream and seeing"},{"startTime":657.4590000000001,"endTime":661.9730000000001,"body":"dream imagery and just cut the, it just was so good."},{"startTime":661.9730000000001,"endTime":664.936,"body":"I know I was high as fuck, but like it was so good."},{"startTime":664.936,"endTime":669.5590000000001,"body":"And I just want to go back and see it because I want to know really what happened in the"},{"startTime":664.936,"endTime":669.5590000000001,"body":"movie."},{"startTime":669.988,"endTime":671.7220000000001,"body":"I want you to see the witch."},{"startTime":671.7220000000001,"endTime":678.234,"body":"Honestly, think that you should like, the witch is probably downloadable or streamable"},{"startTime":671.7220000000001,"endTime":678.234,"body":"somewhere easy."},{"startTime":678.504,"endTime":681.788,"body":"no, I might actually do it tonight and not get high and watch it."},{"startTime":681.788,"endTime":683.659,"body":"I'll probably just watch the witch."},{"startTime":683.659,"endTime":696.8090000000001,"body":"I would, listen, maybe I'm learning about myself here that like, I might be a little bit"},{"startTime":683.659,"endTime":696.8090000000001,"body":"of a wimp when it comes to certain things because like, I'm not recommending you get high"},{"startTime":696.8090000000001,"endTime":697.469,"body":"and watch The Witch."},{"startTime":697.469,"endTime":699.691,"body":"It'll fuck your brains out."},{"startTime":699.691,"endTime":703.0930000000001,"body":"It'll be like, shit, am I, wait, is this real?"},{"startTime":703.258,"endTime":703.7860000000001,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":703.7860000000001,"endTime":703.8570000000001,"body":"what?"},{"startTime":703.8570000000001,"endTime":704.187,"body":"You know what?"},{"startTime":704.187,"endTime":711.649,"body":"It was fucking me with me last night where I really started to panic when I was watching"},{"startTime":704.187,"endTime":711.649,"body":"Nosferatu was this thing."},{"startTime":711.649,"endTime":718.941,"body":"And maybe this is the Mormon in me wondering about, am I lowering my frequency by delving"},{"startTime":711.649,"endTime":718.941,"body":"into the dark?"},{"startTime":718.941,"endTime":723.072,"body":"You know, well, hear me out."},{"startTime":723.072,"endTime":729.624,"body":"So I started going to this thing of like, is this because a lot of the people, a lot of"},{"startTime":723.072,"endTime":729.624,"body":"our good friends."},{"startTime":730.172,"endTime":740.639,"body":"And people I've met in like the medicine community really care about the frequency of the"},{"startTime":730.172,"endTime":740.639,"body":"media they consume and the music they listen to."},{"startTime":741.2,"endTime":744.662,"body":"And I am not one of those people."},{"startTime":746.784,"endTime":755.1700000000001,"body":"but I'm like, well, if I'm thinking of the people I know who do that, some of them are"},{"startTime":746.784,"endTime":755.1700000000001,"body":"like living on tropical islands."},{"startTime":756.1460000000001,"endTime":758.5110000000001,"body":"We don't have a lot of specific people now."},{"startTime":761.633,"endTime":766.2040000000001,"body":"Well, just mean they do have some of them have a pretty enchanted life."},{"startTime":766.2040000000001,"endTime":769.9430000000001,"body":"They have the right, yeah, they have the life that I kind of want for myself, right?"},{"startTime":769.9430000000001,"endTime":771.697,"body":"It's like, fair enough."},{"startTime":771.697,"endTime":773.129,"body":"So maybe they're right."},{"startTime":773.206,"endTime":779.229,"body":"so I was kind of like, well, is that just because I can't give up this like scary movies?"},{"startTime":781.2710000000001,"endTime":787.465,"body":"And, yeah, media that I like to consume and different songs."},{"startTime":787.465,"endTime":790.2660000000001,"body":"And when I write songs, I don't always want to write about love and light."},{"startTime":790.2660000000001,"endTime":796.0600000000001,"body":"Like I want to write about heartbreak and sex and other things, you know?"},{"startTime":796.0600000000001,"endTime":804.1750000000001,"body":"you think that's part of the, so like, I guess for me, and obviously it's the way I do it"},{"startTime":796.0600000000001,"endTime":804.1750000000001,"body":"to me is the best way to do it."},{"startTime":804.1750000000001,"endTime":807.6360000000001,"body":"Of course, every person should say that, right?"},{"startTime":808.057,"endTime":810.8580000000001,"body":"The way I approach life is the way that works best for me."},{"startTime":810.8580000000001,"endTime":815.0600000000001,"body":"That's pretty obvious, you know?"},{"startTime":815.941,"endTime":818.2220000000001,"body":"But I feel..."},{"startTime":820.0260000000001,"endTime":835.5740000000001,"body":"I feel anger, feel macabre, like I feel inappropriate, I feel the the dirty, the vulgar,"},{"startTime":820.0260000000001,"endTime":835.5740000000001,"body":"the joyful, the triumphant, the the happy the love the light."},{"startTime":835.695,"endTime":836.615,"body":"I feel all that stuff."},{"startTime":836.615,"endTime":848.101,"body":"So I feel like I want to I guess what I'm saying is like, I, I have an easy time talking"},{"startTime":836.615,"endTime":848.101,"body":"myself into experiencing all that light life has to offer."},{"startTime":848.101,"endTime":849.5200000000001,"body":"Like I like"},{"startTime":849.5200000000001,"endTime":861.913,"body":"Like someone makes a movie, like someone does a piece of art that captures, you you just"},{"startTime":849.5200000000001,"endTime":861.913,"body":"said it, like where he does a good job of creating an ambiance and capturing a mood and"},{"startTime":861.913,"endTime":867.135,"body":"using music and he uses like still frames."},{"startTime":867.135,"endTime":874.077,"body":"If it's anything like The Witch, like he just will stay on something and it's just like,"},{"startTime":867.135,"endTime":874.077,"body":"this is disturbing me."},{"startTime":874.077,"endTime":877.2570000000001,"body":"Go to the next fucking scene, know, type of thing."},{"startTime":877.918,"endTime":879.498,"body":"For me, it's like I..."},{"startTime":880.018,"endTime":882.238,"body":"I experienced all those emotions."},{"startTime":882.258,"endTime":891.898,"body":"That's why I like to listen to really deep, magical medicine music when I'm in the mood"},{"startTime":882.258,"endTime":891.898,"body":"for it."},{"startTime":891.898,"endTime":896.8380000000001,"body":"But I'll also listen to Buck Cherry singing Crazy Bitch."},{"startTime":897.5980000000001,"endTime":898.618,"body":"You know that song?"},{"startTime":898.618,"endTime":902.278,"body":"Hey, you're a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good, I'm on top of it."},{"startTime":902.278,"endTime":903.418,"body":"You know that song?"},{"startTime":904.038,"endTime":906.058,"body":"Oh, shit, dude, it's such a good song."},{"startTime":906.058,"endTime":906.7940000000001,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":907.553,"endTime":910.1940000000001,"body":"No, I'm feeling you on this really strong."},{"startTime":910.494,"endTime":911.534,"body":"I mean, I do."},{"startTime":911.534,"endTime":913.835,"body":"you know, sometimes I feel like a vampire."},{"startTime":914.115,"endTime":930.2990000000001,"body":"like, yeah, sometimes I feel like a And, you know, it's one of the reasons why in my"},{"startTime":914.115,"endTime":930.2990000000001,"body":"psychology coursework, I really resonated with James Hillman and his notion of soul making"},{"startTime":930.8000000000001,"endTime":932.34,"body":"where we..."},{"startTime":932.37,"endTime":950.195,"body":"Like all things are in service to soul or can be in service to soul and in deepening into"},{"startTime":932.37,"endTime":950.195,"body":"life experience, like that should almost be the goal of any good therapy or any good"},{"startTime":950.195,"endTime":960.2080000000001,"body":"healing modality or anything is that if it gets you to fully engage in life and the ups"},{"startTime":950.195,"endTime":960.2080000000001,"body":"and downs in life and the it's heartbreaks and ecstasies."},{"startTime":961.0600000000001,"endTime":966.484,"body":"then that's, we're here to experience embodied existence."},{"startTime":966.484,"endTime":970.888,"body":"And so I feel you on that."},{"startTime":970.888,"endTime":979.9540000000001,"body":"And then in my state last night, I was like, but could my life be a little more magical"},{"startTime":970.888,"endTime":979.9540000000001,"body":"and a little less like crazy if I just consume better media?"},{"startTime":979.9540000000001,"endTime":981.5260000000001,"body":"I totally get it."},{"startTime":981.5260000000001,"endTime":983.2460000000001,"body":"I do understand that totally."},{"startTime":983.2460000000001,"endTime":984.042,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":984.1650000000001,"endTime":987.418,"body":"I even started thinking of like my, this is as movies playing."},{"startTime":987.418,"endTime":989.1690000000001,"body":"That's why I gotta go see the movie again."},{"startTime":989.1690000000001,"endTime":991.471,"body":"But I'm thinking of like, what?"},{"startTime":992.172,"endTime":996.235,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":996.235,"endTime":1008.005,"body":"I'm thinking of like my Mormon friends and family who are very much in a, are Disney"},{"startTime":996.235,"endTime":1008.005,"body":"adults, right?"},{"startTime":1008.4060000000001,"endTime":1011.408,"body":"And their lives are pretty much like a Disney movie."},{"startTime":1013.195,"endTime":1014.537,"body":"I don't know."},{"startTime":1015.3280000000001,"endTime":1016.346,"body":"Just good point."},{"startTime":1016.346,"endTime":1020.206,"body":"like, like I, I, I've got, how do I say this?"},{"startTime":1020.206,"endTime":1030.026,"body":"Like I've got loved ones, friends, family, everything in between that are just so devoutly"},{"startTime":1020.206,"endTime":1030.026,"body":"joyful and happy and Mormon."},{"startTime":1030.9859999999999,"endTime":1038.006,"body":"But the, the, the, the, the seedy, ugly underbelly of life's realities, they're not immune"},{"startTime":1030.9859999999999,"endTime":1038.006,"body":"to that."},{"startTime":1038.006,"endTime":1039.566,"body":"And they, and they go through it, man."},{"startTime":1039.566,"endTime":1040.866,"body":"They go through the."},{"startTime":1040.946,"endTime":1049.709,"body":"I'm thinking about some people specifically right now that are in absolute hell and their"},{"startTime":1040.946,"endTime":1049.709,"body":"life is dedicated to Christ."},{"startTime":1050.99,"endTime":1062.115,"body":"And so it's, to me, we're all trying to convince ourselves, like it's the existential"},{"startTime":1050.99,"endTime":1062.115,"body":"crisis, right?"},{"startTime":1062.115,"endTime":1070.94,"body":"It's like we're all trying to convince ourselves that there is more than just the"},{"startTime":1070.94,"endTime":1090.871,"body":"gaping maw of mortality and and the concept of things being finite and we we we overcome"},{"startTime":1070.94,"endTime":1090.871,"body":"that through our belief systems and our social circles and the way we spend our time and"},{"startTime":1090.871,"endTime":1095.7830000000001,"body":"our hobbies and the pursuits that we get into But but but that doesn't go away."},{"startTime":1095.81,"endTime":1100.1960000000001,"body":"That shit does not go away and it doesn't go away anymore for somebody who is like"},{"startTime":1095.81,"endTime":1100.1960000000001,"body":"devoutly"},{"startTime":1100.242,"endTime":1104.1670000000001,"body":"Christian, Mormon, Catholic, Buddhist, it doesn't go away for anybody."},{"startTime":1104.669,"endTime":1113.794,"body":"are people who have just, who maybe don't, you ever come across somebody who just doesn't"},{"startTime":1104.669,"endTime":1113.794,"body":"have an existential crisis and you're just like, bro, what's going on in your life that"},{"startTime":1113.794,"endTime":1115.536,"body":"you don't think about this shit?"},{"startTime":1116.028,"endTime":1120.031,"body":"Yeah, there's people in my life who I wonder that about."},{"startTime":1120.152,"endTime":1123.6480000000001,"body":"but this is really, this is a good conversation for me."},{"startTime":1123.6480000000001,"endTime":1130.1000000000001,"body":"Cause I'm even thinking of like, you know, I've always been a big Lord of the Rings, Star"},{"startTime":1123.6480000000001,"endTime":1130.1000000000001,"body":"Wars fan."},{"startTime":1130.902,"endTime":1137.347,"body":"but in watching those, it's not like my life was a grand adventure."},{"startTime":1137.348,"endTime":1142.3110000000001,"body":"If anything, it was like, I enjoyed watching those movies because it made me feel like."},{"startTime":1143.2060000000001,"endTime":1147.477,"body":"It was replacing a lack of adventure that I felt in my life."},{"startTime":1148.038,"endTime":1150.218,"body":"It was a yearning for an adventure."},{"startTime":1150.4180000000001,"endTime":1156.8400000000001,"body":"You know, the first time I read the Harry Potter series and you know, the, he says you're"},{"startTime":1150.4180000000001,"endTime":1156.8400000000001,"body":"a wizard, Harry."},{"startTime":1156.8400000000001,"endTime":1163.022,"body":"It's like, it sparks that part of me that like, didn't feel like a muggle."},{"startTime":1163.7820000000002,"endTime":1169.656,"body":"But it was, it's calling to me, but I still lived."},{"startTime":1170.214,"endTime":1172.317,"body":"and still live in the muggle world, you know?"},{"startTime":1172.317,"endTime":1173.588,"body":"And so there's still that yearning."},{"startTime":1173.588,"endTime":1178.834,"body":"And so it's not like because I'm reading Harry Potter, now I all of live in a magical"},{"startTime":1173.588,"endTime":1178.834,"body":"existence."},{"startTime":1179.9360000000001,"endTime":1181.577,"body":"But there is a..."},{"startTime":1182.099,"endTime":1182.8300000000002,"body":"That's interesting."},{"startTime":1182.8300000000002,"endTime":1183.22,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":1183.22,"endTime":1183.8110000000001,"body":"Interesting."},{"startTime":1183.8110000000001,"endTime":1184.181,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":1184.181,"endTime":1185.482,"body":"This will help me."},{"startTime":1186.77,"endTime":1189.07,"body":"Well, it's look, okay."},{"startTime":1189.57,"endTime":1191.45,"body":"Let's talk Harry Potter."},{"startTime":1192.998,"endTime":1193.521,"body":"Like."},{"startTime":1193.521,"endTime":1195.4650000000001,"body":"Are we cool right now with this conversation?"},{"startTime":1197.232,"endTime":1198.46,"body":"Okay, good."},{"startTime":1198.9370000000001,"endTime":1201.923,"body":"I'm just making sure I'm taking us down the right track."},{"startTime":1202.356,"endTime":1207.781,"body":"I think this is a great conversation because everything is part of hero's journey concept."},{"startTime":1207.781,"endTime":1223.243,"body":"know, Joseph Campbell talks about it, but like everything from, you know, Luke Skywalker"},{"startTime":1207.781,"endTime":1223.243,"body":"to Frodo Baggins to Katniss Everdeen, you know, from the Hunger Games."},{"startTime":1223.243,"endTime":1225.9550000000002,"body":"And what was that one about like Divergent?"},{"startTime":1225.9550000000002,"endTime":1232.144,"body":"Remember the Divergent series, Maze Runner, like anything like everything fucking."},{"startTime":1232.144,"endTime":1247.568,"body":"the matrix, Neo, like everything taps into that thing of like, is this all there is or am"},{"startTime":1232.144,"endTime":1247.568,"body":"I someday going to have someone validate to me what I know deep down that I'm kind of this"},{"startTime":1247.568,"endTime":1248.429,"body":"special little guy?"},{"startTime":1248.429,"endTime":1257.851,"body":"That I can't be boxed in to the four types that they sort me into in Divergent."},{"startTime":1257.851,"endTime":1260.26,"body":"Like I'm not gonna be just the one that's like,"},{"startTime":1260.26,"endTime":1270.279,"body":"super brave and I'm not going to be the one that's super smart and I'm not I'm I'm"},{"startTime":1260.26,"endTime":1270.279,"body":"divergent because I have a piece of all of those things in me right I I'm just I'm a"},{"startTime":1270.279,"endTime":1281.038,"body":"special little guy it it's found in Mormonism when we tell stories about like man geez"},{"startTime":1270.279,"endTime":1281.038,"body":"Louise man when you're up in heaven people are gonna be like I was around during you know"},{"startTime":1281.038,"endTime":1288.4940000000001,"body":"the 3d fights and then people are gonna be like I was around I walked through the Red Sea"},{"startTime":1281.038,"endTime":1288.4940000000001,"body":"with Moses and then people are gonna be like"},{"startTime":1288.626,"endTime":1290.146,"body":"Everyone's gonna be like, what about you Doug?"},{"startTime":1290.146,"endTime":1302.666,"body":"And you're gonna be like, well, I was alive during Gordon Bittner Hinkley's day and a hush"},{"startTime":1290.146,"endTime":1302.666,"body":"will fall over the corridors of heaven and everyone will bow in my presence."},{"startTime":1302.666,"endTime":1306.766,"body":"They'll be like, wow, it was nothing walking through the Red Sea."},{"startTime":1307.046,"endTime":1308.666,"body":"You really solved it."},{"startTime":1308.666,"endTime":1318.2060000000001,"body":"You by not looking at porn during that 1996, 1997 senior year 90, you know, junior year."},{"startTime":1319.0040000000001,"endTime":1321.035,"body":"We're all in honor, we're just honoring you."},{"startTime":1321.035,"endTime":1334.223,"body":"So it's every good story starts with some, like starts with the protagonist finding out"},{"startTime":1321.035,"endTime":1334.223,"body":"that they're part of something bigger and they're special and everyone has been"},{"startTime":1334.223,"endTime":1337.164,"body":"discounting them and dismissing them their whole life."},{"startTime":1337.164,"endTime":1339.345,"body":"Mike, that's the human experience."},{"startTime":1340.006,"endTime":1341.826,"body":"It's not Savior Complex."},{"startTime":1341.987,"endTime":1346.209,"body":"It's not like the one and Superman Complex and Savior Complex."},{"startTime":1346.209,"endTime":1348.23,"body":"It's simply that."},{"startTime":1348.836,"endTime":1356.376,"body":"Life is fleeting and we don't matter in the grand scheme of things and we desperately"},{"startTime":1348.836,"endTime":1356.376,"body":"fucking want to matter"},{"startTime":1358.334,"endTime":1364.449,"body":"But then also, isn't there a flip side of that that we actually do?"},{"startTime":1364.95,"endTime":1371.816,"body":"we are, so we are, that call, that hero's journey and the call to adventure."},{"startTime":1373.724,"endTime":1377.579,"body":"I feel like it's happened or is happening for me."},{"startTime":1377.579,"endTime":1379.102,"body":"And it's happened."},{"startTime":1381.345,"endTime":1386.539,"body":"And what I was craving before that was for it to happen."},{"startTime":1389.871,"endTime":1402.717,"body":"I if I were to respond to that I would say it's because you're not Outsourcing you're not"},{"startTime":1389.871,"endTime":1402.717,"body":"externally looking to save the princess save the universe save the world save others"},{"startTime":1402.758,"endTime":1414.4650000000001,"body":"You're looking inward to save yourself the The call the journey is in inward it's not"},{"startTime":1402.758,"endTime":1414.4650000000001,"body":"super Mario Bros where you're going castle to castle trying to say the princess But that's"},{"startTime":1414.4650000000001,"endTime":1417.666,"body":"that's what I that's what I believed about myself was that"},{"startTime":1417.922,"endTime":1429.8310000000001,"body":"I wanted to sacrifice myself, a part of me, a piece of me to reveal that I'm magical or"},{"startTime":1417.922,"endTime":1429.8310000000001,"body":"special or unique and that therefore saves others."},{"startTime":1429.8310000000001,"endTime":1431.733,"body":"Others gotta save themselves, man."},{"startTime":1431.733,"endTime":1434.134,"body":"This is the whole thing."},{"startTime":1434.515,"endTime":1436.297,"body":"Everyone's gotta save themselves."},{"startTime":1436.297,"endTime":1442.461,"body":"And the meaninglessness, like the fact that we don't matter is macro."},{"startTime":1442.461,"endTime":1443.762,"body":"On a micro..."},{"startTime":1443.834,"endTime":1447.1770000000001,"body":"scale like individually to ourselves and to the people closest to us."},{"startTime":1447.1770000000001,"endTime":1448.178,"body":"Of course we matter."},{"startTime":1448.178,"endTime":1449.1490000000001,"body":"Of course we matter."},{"startTime":1449.1490000000001,"endTime":1450.25,"body":"was George Bailey, dude."},{"startTime":1450.25,"endTime":1452.3020000000001,"body":"It's a wonderful life here."},{"startTime":1454.375,"endTime":1456.941,"body":"Yeah, and I'm thinking in terms of..."},{"startTime":1460.564,"endTime":1461.824,"body":"I think that's shifted."},{"startTime":1461.824,"endTime":1465.2250000000001,"body":"I guess I didn't realize how much that shifted for me like in the last few years."},{"startTime":1465.2250000000001,"endTime":1474.304,"body":"I mean, even starting this podcast, mean, part of the reason I felt like even starting"},{"startTime":1465.2250000000001,"endTime":1474.304,"body":"Mormons on Mushrooms was, I want to share what I'm doing to heal."},{"startTime":1474.304,"endTime":1487.772,"body":"I want to share with others like what we've been doing with yoga and plant medicine and"},{"startTime":1474.304,"endTime":1487.772,"body":"breath work, meditation, and feeling like I was almost on a mission to do that."},{"startTime":1489.7530000000002,"endTime":1493.9940000000001,"body":"And I think the last few years have taught me that..."},{"startTime":1496.296,"endTime":1502.8600000000001,"body":"That's, people have to say themselves and people, and we want it that way anyway."},{"startTime":1502.8600000000001,"endTime":1505.881,"body":"Like I don't want an external savior."},{"startTime":1507.342,"endTime":1515.567,"body":"And when I deepen into myself, I'm learning more about what I like and what I love."},{"startTime":1516.227,"endTime":1524.828,"body":"And maybe that's my gift to share is just sharing what I love and just doing what I love."},{"startTime":1524.828,"endTime":1528.352,"body":"And that becomes the gift, but it's, I'm not doing it because it's a gift."},{"startTime":1528.352,"endTime":1531.152,"body":"It's just because that's what I want to do."},{"startTime":1532.1670000000001,"endTime":1540.853,"body":"simply by thinking that, by doing what I, by being my truest self, this is the thing that"},{"startTime":1532.1670000000001,"endTime":1540.853,"body":"causes thought loops for me."},{"startTime":1540.853,"endTime":1554.201,"body":"By coming to terms with myself and, you know, exploring self-love and unlocking the"},{"startTime":1540.853,"endTime":1554.201,"body":"adventure within, maybe that's what it is and that'll have an impact on other people."},{"startTime":1554.201,"endTime":1556.2440000000001,"body":"Instantly, I've fucked it up again."},{"startTime":1556.2440000000001,"endTime":1557.1680000000001,"body":"Thank you."},{"startTime":1557.794,"endTime":1559.188,"body":"Instantly, I fucked it up again."},{"startTime":1559.188,"endTime":1561.9270000000001,"body":"Why am I so concerned about the salvation of others?"},{"startTime":1561.9270000000001,"endTime":1563.0330000000001,"body":"That one hits."},{"startTime":1563.0330000000001,"endTime":1565.118,"body":"Well, because of the answer."},{"startTime":1565.642,"endTime":1568.258,"body":"It hits because of what the answer to that question is."},{"startTime":1568.788,"endTime":1569.944,"body":"what's the answer?"},{"startTime":1570.371,"endTime":1584.707,"body":"The answer is maybe if I can find a way to go into this burning bus in Brazil and save"},{"startTime":1570.371,"endTime":1584.707,"body":"these children and die doing it, then maybe I'll matter to me."},{"startTime":1585.067,"endTime":1588.029,"body":"Then maybe to me, I'll be worthy of something."},{"startTime":1588.029,"endTime":1592.6100000000001,"body":"Then maybe I'll I'll count myself worthy."},{"startTime":1594.511,"endTime":1598.967,"body":"That's the only thing that, that's the thing that I keep thinking about."},{"startTime":1598.967,"endTime":1608.232,"body":"Myself Mike and I'm sorry that I used your example of being in Brazil But it's just such a"},{"startTime":1598.967,"endTime":1608.232,"body":"it's such a clear example of like that story that you told years ago sticks with me and I"},{"startTime":1608.232,"endTime":1617.9080000000001,"body":"think about it more I think about probably every day of like How many how many fucking"},{"startTime":1608.232,"endTime":1617.9080000000001,"body":"burning buses do I need to go into?"},{"startTime":1617.9080000000001,"endTime":1620.3690000000001,"body":"To prove that I'm work to prove to me."},{"startTime":1620.3690000000001,"endTime":1627.573,"body":"Nobody else cares that I'm worthy Nobody else gives a shit about my worthiness only I care"},{"startTime":1620.3690000000001,"endTime":1627.573,"body":"about my own salvation"},{"startTime":1627.95,"endTime":1629.306,"body":"And so somehow..."},{"startTime":1629.306,"endTime":1630.9370000000001,"body":"it's heightened during that time."},{"startTime":1630.9370000000001,"endTime":1643.171,"body":"And I'm glad to use that example because I feel like that desire to, to be a sacrifice was"},{"startTime":1630.9370000000001,"endTime":1643.171,"body":"heightened during that time because inwardly I was miserable."},{"startTime":1644.452,"endTime":1654.015,"body":"And I had sacrificed, it's almost like I, I didn't consciously know this at the time, you"},{"startTime":1644.452,"endTime":1654.015,"body":"know, consciously I thought I was."},{"startTime":1655.789,"endTime":1659.5800000000002,"body":"doing the right thing and that I'm Mormon and that the church is true and..."},{"startTime":1659.861,"endTime":1666.674,"body":"But there's a part of me that recognized that what I was doing was not making me happy."},{"startTime":1666.674,"endTime":1667.694,"body":"In fact, it was miserable."},{"startTime":1667.694,"endTime":1669.124,"body":"I was depressed."},{"startTime":1669.2450000000001,"endTime":1671.425,"body":"I was suicidal."},{"startTime":1672.326,"endTime":1677.748,"body":"At least suicidal ideation, I should say."},{"startTime":1679.8890000000001,"endTime":1684.8110000000001,"body":"recognizing the sacrifice to my own well-being I was making."},{"startTime":1685.305,"endTime":1688.106,"body":"So I want that sacrifice to count for something."},{"startTime":1688.106,"endTime":1690.925,"body":"If I'm going to sacrifice that, I want it to count."},{"startTime":1691.0330000000001,"endTime":1692.565,"body":"But to count to who?"},{"startTime":1693.583,"endTime":1696.146,"body":"Yeah, well, I think I wanted to count."},{"startTime":1697.403,"endTime":1699.492,"body":"I didn't want my sacrifice to be in vain."},{"startTime":1700.025,"endTime":1702.297,"body":"Well, okay, agreed, same."},{"startTime":1702.297,"endTime":1706.391,"body":"But by the way, I'm not trying to speak at you, I'm speaking about myself."},{"startTime":1706.713,"endTime":1708.935,"body":"This is a thing I think about every single day."},{"startTime":1708.935,"endTime":1710.9560000000001,"body":"But I want it to count."},{"startTime":1712.779,"endTime":1713.6000000000001,"body":"Who's counting it?"},{"startTime":1713.6000000000001,"endTime":1714.592,"body":"Who you talking about?"},{"startTime":1714.592,"endTime":1715.482,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1716.044,"endTime":1721.622,"body":"I mean, because even if you said like, OK, I want the world or whatever, but it's like,"},{"startTime":1716.044,"endTime":1721.622,"body":"the world's I mean, people are."},{"startTime":1721.622,"endTime":1723.449,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1723.449,"endTime":1724.892,"body":"external validation."},{"startTime":1725.814,"endTime":1726.304,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1726.304,"endTime":1730.996,"body":"This is the stuff that, man, you know, I, okay."},{"startTime":1735.0520000000001,"endTime":1740.884,"body":"You know, we talk about a lot of stuff and we keep coming back to this type of"},{"startTime":1735.0520000000001,"endTime":1740.884,"body":"conversation on the podcast."},{"startTime":1741.075,"endTime":1748.078,"body":"And for me, this is the thing that that fucked me up the most about my religious"},{"startTime":1741.075,"endTime":1748.078,"body":"upbringing and it's not just my religious upbringing."},{"startTime":1748.078,"endTime":1751.739,"body":"It's my my American upbringing."},{"startTime":1751.8600000000001,"endTime":1753.18,"body":"It's my."},{"startTime":1754.241,"endTime":1755.781,"body":"You know, white."},{"startTime":1756.382,"endTime":1758.362,"body":"Upringing, it's my."},{"startTime":1759.0030000000002,"endTime":1765.445,"body":"Fear of failure like my success upbringing like all of it needs to I I need to."},{"startTime":1765.886,"endTime":1766.9460000000001,"body":"I need to."},{"startTime":1767.987,"endTime":1769.277,"body":"Validate it."},{"startTime":1770.145,"endTime":1771.906,"body":"with everybody else."},{"startTime":1771.906,"endTime":1774.016,"body":"I gotta validate it."},{"startTime":1774.257,"endTime":1777.078,"body":"Someone's gotta tell me that I'm a good and special little boy."},{"startTime":1777.078,"endTime":1778.789,"body":"Someone's gotta tell me that I'm worthy."},{"startTime":1778.789,"endTime":1783.181,"body":"Someone's gotta tell me that I did a good thing, that they love me, that I'm worthy."},{"startTime":1783.181,"endTime":1784.961,"body":"Someone's gotta tell that to me."},{"startTime":1784.961,"endTime":1787.362,"body":"And man, I'm not trying to blame all those things."},{"startTime":1787.362,"endTime":1790.203,"body":"It's my own sort of deal."},{"startTime":1790.5240000000001,"endTime":1792.9650000000001,"body":"But it's tough."},{"startTime":1792.9650000000001,"endTime":1798.145,"body":"That's the thing that I..."},{"startTime":1798.145,"endTime":1801.976,"body":"grew up on was that I am going to make a difference."},{"startTime":1802.376,"endTime":1807.958,"body":"And therefore I better improve myself, not for me, for others."},{"startTime":1807.958,"endTime":1811.219,"body":"I better sacrifice, not for me, but for others."},{"startTime":1811.219,"endTime":1826.153,"body":"I better learn and grow and be successful and be a provider and be smart and read books"},{"startTime":1811.219,"endTime":1826.153,"body":"and do sports and do things all for like living up to somebody else's ideal so that I"},{"startTime":1826.153,"endTime":1828.053,"body":"might be deemed"},{"startTime":1828.107,"endTime":1829.308,"body":"good and worthy."},{"startTime":1829.949,"endTime":1834.875,"body":"This is like a pretty, this is like a thing we talk about frequently, Mike, but it's"},{"startTime":1829.949,"endTime":1834.875,"body":"always a fucking confession."},{"startTime":1834.875,"endTime":1838.439,"body":"I always feel like I'm making a confession that that's really what I'm doing out there."},{"startTime":1840.2350000000001,"endTime":1841.787,"body":"Yeah, and I feel you on it."},{"startTime":1842.57,"endTime":1846.89,"body":"but it is interesting that there's a paradox that I do feel like"},{"startTime":1846.89,"endTime":1849.9460000000001,"body":"You do end up..."},{"startTime":1851.698,"endTime":1859.863,"body":"helping people, changing people, influencing people, maybe influences in the right word"},{"startTime":1851.698,"endTime":1859.863,"body":"you do, inspiring people."},{"startTime":1860.7640000000001,"endTime":1875.814,"body":"When you do, paradoxically, like as part of like the hero's journey and uncovering your"},{"startTime":1860.7640000000001,"endTime":1875.814,"body":"own goal and uncovering your true self and uncovering what you truly want in the world."},{"startTime":1877.962,"endTime":1884.692,"body":"you do end up bringing gold back to the collective and back to your community."},{"startTime":1884.842,"endTime":1888.98,"body":"But is that the intention?"},{"startTime":1888.98,"endTime":1891.474,"body":"No, in fact, it can't be the intention."},{"startTime":1892.838,"endTime":1900.412,"body":"That's the paradox is that it can't be the intention, but it paradoxically becomes the"},{"startTime":1892.838,"endTime":1900.412,"body":"outcome of it."},{"startTime":1900.925,"endTime":1914.945,"body":"And like, mean, even, even again, this podcast as an example, um, of the most people that,"},{"startTime":1900.925,"endTime":1914.945,"body":"know, if I take the different phases of life when I was a Mormon, a missionary, uh,"},{"startTime":1914.945,"endTime":1922.925,"body":"professionally, the, the deepest and broadest reach I've had is on this podcast."},{"startTime":1923.627,"endTime":1930.983,"body":"And it's also been the thing that's been more closely aligned to me sharing my authentic"},{"startTime":1923.627,"endTime":1930.983,"body":"truth in all of it."},{"startTime":1930.983,"endTime":1935.327,"body":"Now I have talked about there's aspects and the intention hasn't always been."},{"startTime":1936.368,"endTime":1942.573,"body":"and I think it might be a lot of what's happening on this podcast is kind of dream"},{"startTime":1936.368,"endTime":1942.573,"body":"adjacent where it's maybe not my."},{"startTime":1943.009,"endTime":1953.4550000000002,"body":"I'm not fully living what my dream is, but it's close and it's, and when the more I just"},{"startTime":1943.009,"endTime":1953.4550000000002,"body":"do it, when it's like, I want to talk to my best friend, Doug, and let's just chat about"},{"startTime":1953.4550000000002,"endTime":1955.396,"body":"Nosferatu and what the fuck."},{"startTime":1959.443,"endTime":1962.731,"body":"It's yeah, so I guess I'm just sitting with that."},{"startTime":1962.731,"endTime":1964.684,"body":"That's also been."},{"startTime":1965.077,"endTime":1968.623,"body":"I guess I was going to repeat what we've been talking about."},{"startTime":1968.836,"endTime":1971.188,"body":"Well, it's working for me."},{"startTime":1971.568,"endTime":1975.611,"body":"Look, this is a topic."},{"startTime":1976.192,"endTime":1984.249,"body":"I don't know why and how it always becomes a topic, but this is a topic of almost every"},{"startTime":1976.192,"endTime":1984.249,"body":"session I have in therapy."},{"startTime":1984.249,"endTime":1985.3600000000001,"body":"This thing we're talking about."},{"startTime":1985.3600000000001,"endTime":1997.1100000000001,"body":"And to the point where I'll use a couple of examples, where I feel like I'll express to"},{"startTime":1985.3600000000001,"endTime":1997.1100000000001,"body":"Tracy ways that I'm"},{"startTime":1997.712,"endTime":2016.5520000000001,"body":"trying to be more aware of and mindful of backing away from what I think other people"},{"startTime":1997.712,"endTime":2016.5520000000001,"body":"think about me or what other people are judging about me or how other people perceive me."},{"startTime":2017.353,"endTime":2025.537,"body":"And talking about, you know, sort of like Buddhist, like Taoist concepts of staying low to"},{"startTime":2017.353,"endTime":2025.537,"body":"the ground and staying"},{"startTime":2028.1380000000001,"endTime":2034.68,"body":"almost that, it's almost like the humility thing within Christianity or human life, I"},{"startTime":2028.1380000000001,"endTime":2034.68,"body":"guess."},{"startTime":2034.68,"endTime":2036.72,"body":"I don't need to pin it on Christianity."},{"startTime":2037.781,"endTime":2045.743,"body":"And then Tracy will say stuff to me like, well, but you might be a little bit full of shit"},{"startTime":2037.781,"endTime":2045.743,"body":"because you are putting yourself out there."},{"startTime":2046.243,"endTime":2049.264,"body":"Like with the podcast, you're out there."},{"startTime":2049.264,"endTime":2051.3849999999998,"body":"With doing music, you're out there."},{"startTime":2051.3849999999998,"endTime":2057.406,"body":"She called me on the carpet, she was like, did you, you keep talking about how you don't"},{"startTime":2051.3849999999998,"endTime":2057.406,"body":"want anybody to know your name and you got the..."},{"startTime":2057.662,"endTime":2064.768,"body":"you keep wanting people to not, you know, know you or be seen."},{"startTime":2065.422,"endTime":2073.8559999999998,"body":"She goes, you have this like, you have this like thing about wanting to be small, but then"},{"startTime":2065.422,"endTime":2073.8559999999998,"body":"you put your you put like you singing a song on TikTok."},{"startTime":2073.8559999999998,"endTime":2079.08,"body":"Like it's you, it's a video of you singing a song that you wrote and you want people to"},{"startTime":2073.8559999999998,"endTime":2079.08,"body":"see it."},{"startTime":2079.161,"endTime":2080.802,"body":"And I'm like, yeah, that's a really good point."},{"startTime":2080.802,"endTime":2083.9049999999997,"body":"And I don't know how to make, I don't, I don't know how to come to terms with it."},{"startTime":2083.9049999999997,"endTime":2086.1459999999997,"body":"Cause I'm always saying to her, yeah, but like,"},{"startTime":2086.832,"endTime":2090.564,"body":"There's layers to that stuff."},{"startTime":2090.564,"endTime":2092.325,"body":"I do want to art."},{"startTime":2093.586,"endTime":2094.815,"body":"I do want to share music."},{"startTime":2094.815,"endTime":2097.5879999999997,"body":"I do want to interact with people."},{"startTime":2099.729,"endTime":2101.5299999999997,"body":"And I think it's selfish."},{"startTime":2101.5299999999997,"endTime":2105.692,"body":"I think it's a thing that I'm doing because I need to do it."},{"startTime":2105.692,"endTime":2108.964,"body":"I want to share this with people, not because I want to."},{"startTime":2110.7039999999997,"endTime":2112.855,"body":"change the world or save the world."},{"startTime":2113.636,"endTime":2119.0099999999998,"body":"But then we always come back to it where it's like, well, is that real?"},{"startTime":2119.0099999999998,"endTime":2120.08,"body":"that right?"},{"startTime":2121.922,"endTime":2123.0829999999996,"body":"You said it's a paradox."},{"startTime":2123.0829999999996,"endTime":2132.569,"body":"It is a thing that is hard for me to completely wrap my head around, Mike, that I'm still,"},{"startTime":2123.0829999999996,"endTime":2132.569,"body":"every single day, I'm still trying to sort of make sense of it."},{"startTime":2134.631,"endTime":2138.9339999999997,"body":"Because I can't deny that I am out there."},{"startTime":2140.0899999999997,"endTime":2143.874,"body":"I can't deny that I'm writing a song, but you know how it is."},{"startTime":2143.874,"endTime":2152.182,"body":"When you're like playing music and you're in the flow state and you're writing a song,"},{"startTime":2143.874,"endTime":2152.182,"body":"you're not thinking to yourself, wow, think about how many people might like this song."},{"startTime":2152.182,"endTime":2156.086,"body":"You're not thinking that in the moment, in that state."},{"startTime":2157.701,"endTime":2158.4559999999997,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":2158.4559999999997,"endTime":2168.6609999999996,"body":"No, but there are some guys I'm in that state when I am visualizing myself on a stage and"},{"startTime":2158.4559999999997,"endTime":2168.6609999999996,"body":"singing the song and having people sing it back with me."},{"startTime":2171.102,"endTime":2177.45,"body":"Like I do get that visual a lot of like, usually not when I'm in the process of writing"},{"startTime":2171.102,"endTime":2177.45,"body":"it."},{"startTime":2177.45,"endTime":2183.484,"body":"Usually it's like right afterwards or like I'll be in the process of writing it then I'm"},{"startTime":2177.45,"endTime":2183.484,"body":"listening it back on the headphones."},{"startTime":2183.484,"endTime":2185.125,"body":"And then I'm like singing it again."},{"startTime":2185.125,"endTime":2188.747,"body":"And then I feel a stage and people are singing it back."},{"startTime":2188.747,"endTime":2200.093,"body":"it's like, and, and that's where it's like, okay, there is an external validation part to"},{"startTime":2188.747,"endTime":2200.093,"body":"that, but it doesn't feel, it feels different though."},{"startTime":2201.154,"endTime":2203.335,"body":"It feels communal."},{"startTime":2203.335,"endTime":2205.116,"body":"feels like an experience."},{"startTime":2205.116,"endTime":2209.5389999999998,"body":"feels like a, it's just like a collective."},{"startTime":2211.4199999999996,"endTime":2220.989,"body":"There's like togetherness that people are singing the same words and people are, are, are,"},{"startTime":2211.4199999999996,"endTime":2220.989,"body":"are singing it in the way where it like the lyrics are meaning something to them and the"},{"startTime":2220.989,"endTime":2222.8509999999997,"body":"tunes meaning something to them."},{"startTime":2223.852,"endTime":2227.225,"body":"And I mean, yeah, fuck."},{"startTime":2227.225,"endTime":2230.158,"body":"get there's an, it's, it's, it's complicated."},{"startTime":2231.814,"endTime":2234.134,"body":"Yeah, it's complicated is a really good way putting it."},{"startTime":2234.134,"endTime":2245.294,"body":"mean, it, we always, we always quote, you know, Whitman, we've been called Whitman since"},{"startTime":2234.134,"endTime":2245.294,"body":"day one of this podcast of, I contain, do I contradict myself?"},{"startTime":2245.5939999999996,"endTime":2247.654,"body":"Very well then I contradict myself."},{"startTime":2247.654,"endTime":2248.174,"body":"I am vast."},{"startTime":2248.174,"endTime":2261.23,"body":"I contain multitudes, but you know, leaves of grass also contains the poem where he's"},{"startTime":2248.174,"endTime":2261.23,"body":"talking about, you know, that the, that the powerful play goes on."},{"startTime":2261.23,"endTime":2264.051,"body":"and you may contribute a verse."},{"startTime":2264.3509999999997,"endTime":2286.1299999999997,"body":"Like there is something there for me of like, I want in this grand stage of life and human"},{"startTime":2264.3509999999997,"endTime":2286.1299999999997,"body":"existence, I do have a drive to contribute a verse to that powerful play."},{"startTime":2286.1299999999997,"endTime":2287.0939999999996,"body":"Do know what I mean?"},{"startTime":2287.0939999999996,"endTime":2288.5679999999998,"body":"I can't help myself."},{"startTime":2288.9829999999997,"endTime":2290.575,"body":"And is that a bad thing?"},{"startTime":2290.575,"endTime":2292.087,"body":"Who wants to do that?"},{"startTime":2292.087,"endTime":2292.6839999999997,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":2292.6839999999997,"endTime":2294.384,"body":"I don't think it's a bad thing."},{"startTime":2294.8849999999998,"endTime":2302.3509999999997,"body":"But I do try to be aware of where my validation is coming from."},{"startTime":2302.692,"endTime":2306.7549999999997,"body":"That's the big part for me is like, where's the valid, what am I seeking?"},{"startTime":2306.7549999999997,"endTime":2310.328,"body":"What am I seeking that I can't get from me?"},{"startTime":2310.652,"endTime":2311.7929999999997,"body":"That's a good question."},{"startTime":2311.7929999999997,"endTime":2329.057,"body":"mean, a good point because like going back to TikTok, I, I've, we had that discussion"},{"startTime":2311.7929999999997,"endTime":2329.057,"body":"where I kind of, well, one, our Instagram was, you know, disabled, but, but sometimes I"},{"startTime":2329.057,"endTime":2329.768,"body":"don't like it."},{"startTime":2329.768,"endTime":2335.6319999999996,"body":"Like right after I post a video on TikTok or right after I'd post a reel on Instagram or"},{"startTime":2329.768,"endTime":2335.6319999999996,"body":"something."},{"startTime":2335.8799999999997,"endTime":2339.582,"body":"Cause it's like, then it's like an hour later I'm there and like, okay, well, how many"},{"startTime":2335.8799999999997,"endTime":2339.582,"body":"likes did you just get?"},{"startTime":2339.582,"endTime":2340.352,"body":"Is anyone commenting?"},{"startTime":2340.352,"endTime":2341.102,"body":"Is anyone liking it?"},{"startTime":2341.102,"endTime":2341.9629999999997,"body":"It's anyone, you know?"},{"startTime":2341.9629999999997,"endTime":2352.707,"body":"And so there is that desire to get that feedback and that validation and to have it be"},{"startTime":2341.9629999999997,"endTime":2352.707,"body":"loved and have it go viral and have it get a lot of views and likes and praise."},{"startTime":2356.864,"endTime":2358.125,"body":"It's there."},{"startTime":2359.026,"endTime":2360.527,"body":"It's not not there."},{"startTime":2362.5499999999997,"endTime":2370.297,"body":"But that in itself, it's like not quite the thing because that I don't love the feeling of"},{"startTime":2362.5499999999997,"endTime":2370.297,"body":"that."},{"startTime":2370.297,"endTime":2376.0229999999997,"body":"I don't even love the feeling of when it the ones that do pop and start getting a lot."},{"startTime":2376.0229999999997,"endTime":2376.903,"body":"I mean, it's kind of a rush."},{"startTime":2376.903,"endTime":2377.7839999999997,"body":"It's kind of fun."},{"startTime":2377.7839999999997,"endTime":2382.008,"body":"But it's almost like there's no amount that's enough."},{"startTime":2382.192,"endTime":2384.339,"body":"Dude, that's well said, Mike."},{"startTime":2384.339,"endTime":2385.7549999999997,"body":"Keep going on that."},{"startTime":2385.7549999999997,"endTime":2387.9429999999998,"body":"Please keep unraveling that."},{"startTime":2387.9429999999998,"endTime":2398.383,"body":"Even some of the bigger videos we've released and maybe they get 10, 20,000 views, it's"},{"startTime":2387.9429999999998,"endTime":2398.383,"body":"kind of cool for us."},{"startTime":2398.383,"endTime":2404.0229999999997,"body":"like, oh my gosh, there's a rush of like 10 to 20,000 people have seen me play this song"},{"startTime":2398.383,"endTime":2404.0229999999997,"body":"now."},{"startTime":2404.0229999999997,"endTime":2411.0029999999997,"body":"Maybe just for a second, because on TikTok they go really quick, but 10 to 20,000 people"},{"startTime":2404.0229999999997,"endTime":2411.0029999999997,"body":"at least seen me pop up, right?"},{"startTime":2411.0789999999997,"endTime":2416.239,"body":"And there's a little bit of a rush to that, but it's like, there's a desire for it to"},{"startTime":2411.0789999999997,"endTime":2416.239,"body":"more."},{"startTime":2416.239,"endTime":2417.239,"body":"What about a hundred thousand?"},{"startTime":2417.239,"endTime":2417.899,"body":"What about a million?"},{"startTime":2417.899,"endTime":2418.879,"body":"What about a few million?"},{"startTime":2418.879,"endTime":2422.2189999999996,"body":"What about, you know, and it's never, it's never enough."},{"startTime":2422.919,"endTime":2426.779,"body":"on, wait, but then only, only three people commented on that, you know?"},{"startTime":2426.779,"endTime":2434.5789999999997,"body":"And it's like, oh, but I, even if there were a hundred comments, it's not, it's not"},{"startTime":2426.779,"endTime":2434.5789999999997,"body":"enough."},{"startTime":2436.3129999999996,"endTime":2440.134,"body":"Man, this is such a topic, Mike."},{"startTime":2440.4139999999998,"endTime":2450.5769999999998,"body":"You are voicing something that has been undefined and rattling around in me for a while"},{"startTime":2440.4139999999998,"endTime":2450.5769999999998,"body":"now."},{"startTime":2453.4179999999997,"endTime":2456.799,"body":"The opposite example that I'll use, I can think of two."},{"startTime":2456.799,"endTime":2463.5009999999997,"body":"I can think of two songs."},{"startTime":2463.5009999999997,"endTime":2465.131,"body":"I can only speak for myself here."},{"startTime":2466.071,"endTime":2472.2949999999996,"body":"My Christmas song, Ho Ho Ho Hosanna, it's not got any feedback."},{"startTime":2472.2949999999996,"endTime":2483.5429999999997,"body":"Like it's not had anybody be like, I, you know, type of message on Tik Tok or, know, we"},{"startTime":2472.2949999999996,"endTime":2483.5429999999997,"body":"put those songs on Spotify and I, last I checked, I had six listens maybe like, you know,"},{"startTime":2483.5429999999997,"endTime":2486.6349999999998,"body":"when you go to the thing and it's like six monthly listens."},{"startTime":2486.6349999999998,"endTime":2489.707,"body":"So I, I don't think anybody's heard that song, you know."},{"startTime":2490.1499999999996,"endTime":2490.955,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2492.3329999999996,"endTime":2494.624,"body":"I don't care because it's a good song."},{"startTime":2494.624,"endTime":2496.415,"body":"That song is such a good song."},{"startTime":2496.415,"endTime":2497.9159999999997,"body":"It's such a good song."},{"startTime":2498.076,"endTime":2501.038,"body":"The same is true about my mom's song."},{"startTime":2501.839,"endTime":2509.303,"body":"I love playing that song and I love when people sing along with it, but I don't need"},{"startTime":2501.839,"endTime":2509.303,"body":"people's validation because I know that song is a fucking good song."},{"startTime":2509.303,"endTime":2514.846,"body":"There are other songs that I need you to tell me, okay, Doug, you're a special little guy."},{"startTime":2514.846,"endTime":2515.647,"body":"It's okay."},{"startTime":2515.647,"endTime":2516.277,"body":"It's okay."},{"startTime":2516.277,"endTime":2517.0879999999997,"body":"This is a good song."},{"startTime":2517.0879999999997,"endTime":2517.6479999999997,"body":"You can play it."},{"startTime":2517.6479999999997,"endTime":2518.488,"body":"You can sing it."},{"startTime":2518.488,"endTime":2519.959,"body":"I need that from you."},{"startTime":2521.4649999999997,"endTime":2525.2549999999997,"body":"But there are some that I'm just like, I'm gonna play this one because it's so good."},{"startTime":2525.2549999999997,"endTime":2526.355,"body":"That's interesting."},{"startTime":2526.355,"endTime":2536.115,"body":"so if I'm comparing also, because I was talking about like, you putting on TikToks and"},{"startTime":2526.355,"endTime":2536.115,"body":"like hoping for likes kind of deal and the feeling of that."},{"startTime":2536.1749999999997,"endTime":2543.6949999999997,"body":"But the feeling of like when we were at either something chill on a Friday night or"},{"startTime":2536.1749999999997,"endTime":2543.6949999999997,"body":"something cool on a Friday night."},{"startTime":2544.1949999999997,"endTime":2548.3149999999996,"body":"And I think something cool on a Friday night, we had like 150, 200 people there."},{"startTime":2548.807,"endTime":2557.8269999999998,"body":"And it was interesting because before that you had been on to some retreat with a bunch of"},{"startTime":2548.807,"endTime":2557.8269999999998,"body":"people who were there or some and you'd played Neverland."},{"startTime":2558.107,"endTime":2563.607,"body":"So then when I sang it at the concert, people were actually singing the words back and"},{"startTime":2558.107,"endTime":2563.607,"body":"singing it."},{"startTime":2564.167,"endTime":2570.787,"body":"And it wasn't, it wasn't, I was completely full in that moment."},{"startTime":2570.787,"endTime":2576.4069999999997,"body":"And when we were in the yoga studio for something chill on a Friday night, we had like 60,"},{"startTime":2570.787,"endTime":2576.4069999999997,"body":"70 people there."},{"startTime":2576.5069999999996,"endTime":2578.687,"body":"I could not have been more full."},{"startTime":2578.703,"endTime":2579.417,"body":"Same."},{"startTime":2579.417,"endTime":2586.696,"body":"And it wasn't like this thing of like, I wish there were just more people there, more,"},{"startTime":2579.417,"endTime":2586.696,"body":"more, you know?"},{"startTime":2586.696,"endTime":2589.739,"body":"It was like, no, I am full, I am complete."},{"startTime":2591.2419999999997,"endTime":2598.721,"body":"And yeah, that's interesting to feel the difference of that."},{"startTime":2600.163,"endTime":2611.622,"body":"You came up to, you came up, I won some award and you came up to celebrate it with me and"},{"startTime":2600.163,"endTime":2611.622,"body":"people, mean, was, people were so nice, so complimentary."},{"startTime":2611.622,"endTime":2613.203,"body":"It was so awesome."},{"startTime":2613.964,"endTime":2623.171,"body":"And because of what I won the award for, I left that experience feeling empty."},{"startTime":2623.171,"endTime":2626.0829999999996,"body":"I left that experience being like, is that it?"},{"startTime":2627.941,"endTime":2632.801,"body":"But shortly before that, we had done something chill on a Friday night."},{"startTime":2632.801,"endTime":2636.201,"body":"And I left that being like, I am complete."},{"startTime":2636.201,"endTime":2637.0409999999997,"body":"I am full."},{"startTime":2637.0409999999997,"endTime":2639.1009999999997,"body":"This was so beautiful."},{"startTime":2639.5409999999997,"endTime":2646.301,"body":"I'm going to be able to spiritually trade on this experience for a while."},{"startTime":2646.301,"endTime":2648.701,"body":"I still am thinking about that experience."},{"startTime":2648.701,"endTime":2650.0009999999997,"body":"It was so beautiful."},{"startTime":2650.341,"endTime":2655.821,"body":"I can get into a zone of like, gosh, that was enough for me."},{"startTime":2655.821,"endTime":2657.281,"body":"Do you know what I mean?"},{"startTime":2657.4649999999997,"endTime":2671.229,"body":"So even the same concept that we're talking about has different, it has layers, it's"},{"startTime":2657.4649999999997,"endTime":2671.229,"body":"varied based on what validation I'm getting, how I'm feeling about it."},{"startTime":2673.0629999999996,"endTime":2683.198,"body":"That's really interesting to think about because it's like, there's a beauty in that"},{"startTime":2673.0629999999996,"endTime":2683.198,"body":"validation or that external validation, what we're talking about, there's completely"},{"startTime":2683.198,"endTime":2684.928,"body":"different feelings to it."},{"startTime":2687.91,"endTime":2690.37,"body":"And it's really getting me thinking of like,"},{"startTime":2691.9429999999998,"endTime":2702.5029999999997,"body":"maybe it's a reflection of the action or the intention that I'm putting into it is also"},{"startTime":2691.9429999999998,"endTime":2702.5029999999997,"body":"the fullness I'll feel after in a way or something."},{"startTime":2703.683,"endTime":2716.723,"body":"But it just makes me want to keep doing those types of experiences where it's like, it"},{"startTime":2703.683,"endTime":2716.723,"body":"doesn't matter if there's 10,000 people here, 50, five."},{"startTime":2717.143,"endTime":2726.2059999999997,"body":"If we're around, you you're on your back deck playing around a fire and there's 10 people"},{"startTime":2717.143,"endTime":2726.2059999999997,"body":"there."},{"startTime":2726.546,"endTime":2731.738,"body":"I felt incredibly full in those moments."},{"startTime":2731.738,"endTime":2735.8089999999997,"body":"I'm sorry, the sickness has come back here."},{"startTime":2737.069,"endTime":2737.989,"body":"And."},{"startTime":2738.75,"endTime":2742.951,"body":"Yeah, and so it's just getting me, it's just."},{"startTime":2743.4489999999996,"endTime":2747.8129999999996,"body":"mirroring back the experiences that I want to keep cultivating and"},{"startTime":2748.3419999999996,"endTime":2750.384,"body":"It's actually inspiring me right now."},{"startTime":2752.386,"endTime":2757.191,"body":"full disclosure, as we're talking, I'm like, man, Michael, let's do some more of those"},{"startTime":2752.386,"endTime":2757.191,"body":"things."},{"startTime":2757.191,"endTime":2759.6319999999996,"body":"Those are what make me feel the most alive."},{"startTime":2760.774,"endTime":2768.321,"body":"I have a pain in the ass sometimes to get scheduled and get our, you know, you and I lined"},{"startTime":2760.774,"endTime":2768.321,"body":"up because we got full busy lives and all that kind of stuff."},{"startTime":2768.321,"endTime":2772.855,"body":"But Jesus Christ, man, this is the shit that's making me feel the most alive."},{"startTime":2773.721,"endTime":2781.4739999999997,"body":"And if it's making you like the most alive and me, you know, but like I'm talking about"},{"startTime":2773.721,"endTime":2781.4739999999997,"body":"with you."},{"startTime":2782.3149999999996,"endTime":2784.7059999999997,"body":"Well, I am because I want to mirror this back."},{"startTime":2784.7059999999997,"endTime":2785.636,"body":"Here's what I was saying."},{"startTime":2785.636,"endTime":2787.6769999999997,"body":"If it makes you feel the most alive."},{"startTime":2788.7169999999996,"endTime":2792.519,"body":"I know, because when you are singing from that place, I feel it."},{"startTime":2792.7309999999998,"endTime":2795.72,"body":"So that's why I want to mirror back in that way."},{"startTime":2795.72,"endTime":2800.562,"body":"Like I, like I, I can tell when you're singing from that full place."},{"startTime":2800.843,"endTime":2802.343,"body":"Cause I feel full."},{"startTime":2802.343,"endTime":2804.6229999999996,"body":"and I wanna join in and I wanna, know."},{"startTime":2804.783,"endTime":2810.343,"body":"So anyway, I guess to 2025, I want more of those moments."},{"startTime":2810.343,"endTime":2811.3909999999996,"body":"Let's do it."},{"startTime":2812.749,"endTime":2818.647,"body":"Yeah, man, let's do yeah, I'm ready to I'm ready to"},{"startTime":2820.1949999999997,"endTime":2822.348,"body":"I don't know, I'm just feeling all riled up right now."},{"startTime":2824.2129999999997,"endTime":2829.301,"body":"It sucks that it's almost bedtime here, because I'm like, man, I want to get going."},{"startTime":2830.685,"endTime":2832.763,"body":"Let's stay up all night and do more of this kind of stuff."},{"startTime":2832.763,"endTime":2833.183,"body":"it."},{"startTime":2833.183,"endTime":2839.5829999999996,"body":"So let's talk about real quick with the, cause one of the things that I loved about, okay,"},{"startTime":2833.183,"endTime":2839.5829999999996,"body":"we sent out our first underground newsletter."},{"startTime":2840.1229999999996,"endTime":2846.903,"body":"So, um, if you're listening, just go to Mormons on mushrooms.com and sign up for the"},{"startTime":2840.1229999999996,"endTime":2846.903,"body":"newsletter."},{"startTime":2847.0229999999997,"endTime":2852.163,"body":"Um, and you know, can I just pull it up real quick here?"},{"startTime":2852.163,"endTime":2857.9829999999997,"body":"Cause you wrote something that I would love to just kind of just talk about to maybe close"},{"startTime":2852.163,"endTime":2857.9829999999997,"body":"this out here."},{"startTime":2859.9429999999998,"endTime":2864.343,"body":"And it's the new year, you said, uh, new year, you knew me?"},{"startTime":2864.399,"endTime":2865.182,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2868.339,"endTime":2874.145,"body":"but at the end you wrote some questions that I kind of like this for."},{"startTime":2874.486,"endTime":2875.527,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2876.912,"endTime":2880.877,"body":"I created that like 10 years ago, 12 years ago maybe."},{"startTime":2881.118,"endTime":2882.56,"body":"I do that every year."},{"startTime":2886.395,"endTime":2890.0969999999998,"body":"Well, I'm going to do this for myself and I want to do it around music."},{"startTime":2890.397,"endTime":2893.8979999999997,"body":"Because when I was so it's like I am dot dot dot."},{"startTime":2894.6189999999997,"endTime":2896.2599999999998,"body":"Therefore I will."},{"startTime":2896.7,"endTime":2897.68,"body":"Blank."},{"startTime":2898.0609999999997,"endTime":2900.182,"body":"I will do this by blank."},{"startTime":2900.182,"endTime":2902.3219999999997,"body":"I will do this because blank."},{"startTime":2902.3219999999997,"endTime":2904.644,"body":"I will do this at blank."},{"startTime":2904.644,"endTime":2906.285,"body":"I will do this when."},{"startTime":2907.6659999999997,"endTime":2908.946,"body":"So when I say."},{"startTime":2909.495,"endTime":2910.961,"body":"I am."},{"startTime":2912.877,"endTime":2917.413,"body":"a bard, a musician, right?"},{"startTime":2918.596,"endTime":2921.2529999999997,"body":"Therefore, I will."},{"startTime":2923.6229999999996,"endTime":2924.7819999999997,"body":"play my music."},{"startTime":2924.7819999999997,"endTime":2925.627,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":2927.225,"endTime":2931.5339999999997,"body":"I will do this on a boat, a train, the car, in the rain."},{"startTime":2931.5339999999997,"endTime":2932.857,"body":"I will do this here or there."},{"startTime":2932.857,"endTime":2933.6389999999997,"body":"I'll do this everywhere."},{"startTime":2933.6389999999997,"endTime":2936.5139999999997,"body":"No, I'll do this by..."},{"startTime":2938.2149999999997,"endTime":2944.026,"body":"playing my music when I'm alone, creating more experiences to play music with other"},{"startTime":2938.2149999999997,"endTime":2944.026,"body":"people."},{"startTime":2945.37,"endTime":2950.1589999999997,"body":"I will do this because I love doing nothing more."},{"startTime":2952.6229999999996,"endTime":2958.6899999999996,"body":"I will do this at, kind of on Doug's back deck, will do it in my backyard."},{"startTime":2958.6899999999996,"endTime":2963.495,"body":"I'll do it at some concerts that we'll do, some retreats that we'll do."},{"startTime":2963.8329999999996,"endTime":2964.6389999999997,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2966.3309999999997,"endTime":2968.576,"body":"And yeah, I would, yeah."},{"startTime":2968.576,"endTime":2971.808,"body":"dude, thank you, Mike, thank you."},{"startTime":2972.529,"endTime":2974.558,"body":"Thank you for those links."},{"startTime":2974.558,"endTime":2976.278,"body":"see my heart beating?"},{"startTime":2978.1989999999996,"endTime":2981.06,"body":"That's what that..."},{"startTime":2981.3599999999997,"endTime":2982.571,"body":"You just inspired me, man."},{"startTime":2982.571,"endTime":2985.232,"body":"I know we're talking about how you can't get any external validation."},{"startTime":2985.232,"endTime":2988.663,"body":"I know I keep talking about that, but you just inspired me."},{"startTime":2988.723,"endTime":2989.904,"body":"That's what that is."},{"startTime":2989.904,"endTime":2991.624,"body":"It's like, okay."},{"startTime":2993.517,"endTime":2999.127,"body":"At my core, I am statements are important, right?"},{"startTime":2999.127,"endTime":3003.4089999999997,"body":"But those I am statements have to come with some of the specifics about like, well, why?"},{"startTime":3003.705,"endTime":3004.6859999999997,"body":"And how am I gonna do it?"},{"startTime":3004.6859999999997,"endTime":3009.729,"body":"And what is that thing that, and how does it, what is the thing that it manifests, how"},{"startTime":3004.6859999999997,"endTime":3009.729,"body":"does it manifest itself?"},{"startTime":3009.77,"endTime":3013.2929999999997,"body":"Like, dude, I got the chills when you were talking about that."},{"startTime":3013.2929999999997,"endTime":3017.075,"body":"Like every part of it, every part I was looking forward your answer."},{"startTime":3017.336,"endTime":3019.087,"body":"Every single part, yeah."},{"startTime":3019.087,"endTime":3027.9469999999997,"body":"Well, and it reminds me of something, you know, speaking of Tracy, something she told me"},{"startTime":3019.087,"endTime":3027.9469999999997,"body":"recently, and she was one who really encouraged us to put those songs on Spotify."},{"startTime":3028.3869999999997,"endTime":3037.067,"body":"And one of the things she said was like, and she talked about the podcast and she said,"},{"startTime":3028.3869999999997,"endTime":3037.067,"body":"look at the ripple effects that have come from you sharing your voice."},{"startTime":3038.047,"endTime":3046.167,"body":"And she said, and I know that as far as, you know, speaking on podcasts or doing music,"},{"startTime":3038.047,"endTime":3046.167,"body":"you love music even more."},{"startTime":3047.1279999999997,"endTime":3051.6099999999997,"body":"And so think of the ripple effects that of you doing your music."},{"startTime":3051.6099999999997,"endTime":3059.104,"body":"And again, here I'm talking about the external thing, but I'm doing that also the internal"},{"startTime":3051.6099999999997,"endTime":3059.104,"body":"effects as well."},{"startTime":3059.104,"endTime":3072.8399999999997,"body":"So the ripple effects, the butterfly effect, the change it can have on my life to be in"},{"startTime":3059.104,"endTime":3072.8399999999997,"body":"the, to, to start being in the intentionally moving towards creating more of those"},{"startTime":3072.8399999999997,"endTime":3075.1209999999996,"body":"experiences where I am like,"},{"startTime":3075.1209999999996,"endTime":3077.5919999999996,"body":"Holy shit, I am full right now."},{"startTime":3078.7329999999997,"endTime":3084.417,"body":"What ripple effect will that have in all areas of my internal life?"},{"startTime":3084.417,"endTime":3091.361,"body":"Not just who I'm affecting, but like, Mike, me, the music, what will it do with the music"},{"startTime":3084.417,"endTime":3091.361,"body":"I share?"},{"startTime":3091.361,"endTime":3099.527,"body":"What will it do with the joy I feel in my life and how then also I won't maybe."},{"startTime":3099.527,"endTime":3109.127,"body":"need to spend so much money or you know to try to fill holes that they can't fill."},{"startTime":3109.721,"endTime":3114.542,"body":"Yeah, It's making me think about like."},{"startTime":3116.423,"endTime":3124.345,"body":"Podcasts, you know, the podcast is such a perfect thing because it really is an"},{"startTime":3116.423,"endTime":3124.345,"body":"exploration of our personalities and our our and our experiences, right?"},{"startTime":3124.4849999999997,"endTime":3128.7459999999996,"body":"So it's really easy to like come back to like think about episodes of the podcast."},{"startTime":3129.3669999999997,"endTime":3135.2479999999996,"body":"Where you and I have just tried so hard to make it something somebody else might like."},{"startTime":3136.089,"endTime":3137.989,"body":"What questions do we ask?"},{"startTime":3137.989,"endTime":3139.4089999999997,"body":"you know, the guests."},{"startTime":3139.4089999999997,"endTime":3149.489,"body":"It makes me think about like the, we were so pumped to have East Forest on and we just, we"},{"startTime":3139.4089999999997,"endTime":3149.489,"body":"got nervous and we just started treating it like we were like TRL."},{"startTime":3150.749,"endTime":3151.2889999999998,"body":"Remember that?"},{"startTime":3151.2889999999998,"endTime":3155.3489999999997,"body":"Where it was like, what are you, are you inspired by and how do you, how do you do things?"},{"startTime":3155.3489999999997,"endTime":3163.189,"body":"Like we've done, there are, I can go back and listen to the certain episodes and I can"},{"startTime":3155.3489999999997,"endTime":3163.189,"body":"hear that it's just like, bro, there's no joy in this."},{"startTime":3163.189,"endTime":3164.669,"body":"There's no, we're not doing anything."},{"startTime":3164.669,"endTime":3165.9089999999997,"body":"We're not, we're not being ourselves."},{"startTime":3165.9089999999997,"endTime":3168.0609999999997,"body":"We're trying to, we're,"},{"startTime":3168.0609999999997,"endTime":3172.767,"body":"We're writing the speech that somebody else wants to hear."},{"startTime":3173.749,"endTime":3174.75,"body":"You know?"},{"startTime":3175.432,"endTime":3176.752,"body":"God, man."},{"startTime":3178.095,"endTime":3178.756,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3178.756,"endTime":3179.076,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3179.076,"endTime":3179.47,"body":"Good point."},{"startTime":3179.47,"endTime":3180.24,"body":"something."},{"startTime":3180.24,"endTime":3181.24,"body":"So."},{"startTime":3182.1609999999996,"endTime":3185.142,"body":"I mean, just to maybe tie it back to Nosferatu for a minute."},{"startTime":3185.142,"endTime":3201.609,"body":"And this isn't spoiling anything because this is the very beginning of the, so before I"},{"startTime":3185.142,"endTime":3201.609,"body":"got too high, you know, the beginning he, he, he gets sent to, go bring Nosferatu back to"},{"startTime":3201.609,"endTime":3207.191,"body":"like, to, meet this Lord and escort him back to his own country."},{"startTime":3207.801,"endTime":3215.216,"body":"He's doing that because he wants to get out of debt and provide a life that he thinks his"},{"startTime":3207.801,"endTime":3215.216,"body":"wife wants."},{"startTime":3216.698,"endTime":3219.3799999999997,"body":"But that's not what his wife wants."},{"startTime":3220.0209999999997,"endTime":3222.522,"body":"And she begs him not to go."},{"startTime":3223.5029999999997,"endTime":3228.4069999999997,"body":"And meanwhile, she's the one who calls in at the very beginning."},{"startTime":3228.519,"endTime":3230.1189999999997,"body":"This is the very opening scene of the film."},{"startTime":3230.1189999999997,"endTime":3234.6589999999997,"body":"She calls in the Dark Lord and makes a covenant to him."},{"startTime":3234.6589999999997,"endTime":3250.0389999999998,"body":"And she's the one who brings in Nosferatu to fill the hole that she's feeling because he's"},{"startTime":3234.6589999999997,"endTime":3250.0389999999998,"body":"out chasing something that's really not bringing him fulfillment, her fulfillment."},{"startTime":3251.019,"endTime":3254.799,"body":"And so that's when she has to summon the Dark Lord."},{"startTime":3254.799,"endTime":3255.769,"body":"And so it's like..."},{"startTime":3255.769,"endTime":3258.837,"body":"Whoa, Holy shit."},{"startTime":3260.0159999999996,"endTime":3269.89,"body":"That's where it's like, I really want to see it again because I think there's more of like"},{"startTime":3260.0159999999996,"endTime":3269.89,"body":"those types of like symbolic, like soul making stuff I could pull from the film."},{"startTime":3269.89,"endTime":3272.292,"body":"But man, I was just in my own world."},{"startTime":3272.292,"endTime":3275.5229999999997,"body":"And then I was terrified."},{"startTime":3276.138,"endTime":3277.799,"body":"I am loving this."},{"startTime":3280.861,"endTime":3286.404,"body":"Side note, can we appreciate how you said, OK, bringing it back to Nosferatu?"},{"startTime":3286.404,"endTime":3289.526,"body":"All that stuff we just talked about."},{"startTime":3290.046,"endTime":3292.058,"body":"are a, I don't know, man, you're a master."},{"startTime":3292.058,"endTime":3293.879,"body":"don't know."},{"startTime":3293.879,"endTime":3294.9689999999996,"body":"That is a."},{"startTime":3295.5499999999997,"endTime":3301.453,"body":"You do that all the time and it's a skill that you have like when you said that I almost"},{"startTime":3295.5499999999997,"endTime":3301.453,"body":"shit my pants."},{"startTime":3302.743,"endTime":3306.5829999999996,"body":"I like to like wrap things in a little bow."},{"startTime":3306.5829999999996,"endTime":3308.0699999999997,"body":"Have a little full house moment."},{"startTime":3308.0699999999997,"endTime":3310.75,"body":"yeah, was, you know, same."},{"startTime":3310.7709999999997,"endTime":3311.5809999999997,"body":"I want to do it too."},{"startTime":3311.5809999999997,"endTime":3312.8709999999996,"body":"I just don't have."},{"startTime":3314.812,"endTime":3316.933,"body":"I'm just giving you a compliment, I guess."},{"startTime":3318.194,"endTime":3319.689,"body":"When you said that, I was like there."},{"startTime":3319.689,"endTime":3322.736,"body":"I was like, there ain't no way he's going to actually be able to do this."},{"startTime":3322.736,"endTime":3331.62,"body":"There's no way that he's going to say bringing this back to nose for Rato and then have"},{"startTime":3322.736,"endTime":3331.62,"body":"some kind of like point to wrap up what we're actually talking about."},{"startTime":3331.62,"endTime":3333.18,"body":"And sure enough, man, you did."},{"startTime":3333.18,"endTime":3335.153,"body":"And I'm sitting here going, yeah, you did."},{"startTime":3335.153,"endTime":3338.801,"body":"When we chase after things we don't want and that..."},{"startTime":3338.801,"endTime":3346.7479999999996,"body":"we got it, yeah, suddenly the people that we think that we're doing this for have to like"},{"startTime":3338.801,"endTime":3346.7479999999996,"body":"summon the Dark Lord."},{"startTime":3346.7479999999996,"endTime":3352.513,"body":"They have to go to like the extremes to like get us back, right?"},{"startTime":3352.513,"endTime":3358.167,"body":"To get, man, that just, that nailed me, man."}]}