Share The Struggle
Share The Struggle
Loving an Addict: A Daughter's Journey to Healing
The grip of addiction tears through families like a silent hurricane, leaving behind shattered relationships and broken promises. In this raw, vulnerable episode, we dive deep into what it truly means to love someone battling addiction – and the impossible choices that love sometimes demands.
Through a daughter's heartbreaking journey growing up with addicted parents, we witness the devastating ripple effects that spread through generations. From enduring physical abuse as a child to protect her younger brother, to the repeated cycle of hope and disappointment as an adult trying to help her mother find sobriety, her story illuminates the complex reality faced by millions of families across America.
What makes this conversation so powerful is its unflinching honesty about the hardest truth many never acknowledge: sometimes walking away is the only path to survival. "I wanted her happiness more than she did," she shares – a realization that ultimately led to setting boundaries that saved her own life and helped her build the family she never had but always deserved.
This episode doesn't offer easy answers because there aren't any. Instead, it provides something more valuable – the permission to prioritize your own wellbeing, the understanding that you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be saved, and the hope that by sharing our darkest struggles, we might become the light that guides others toward healing.
Whether addiction has touched your life directly or you know someone fighting this battle, this conversation will forever change how you understand the disease that makes someone "too selfish to see the havoc they've created or care about the people whose lives they've shattered."
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Addiction, the disease that makes you too selfish to see the havoc you've created or care about the people whose lives you have shattered. On today's episode of Share the Struggle podcast, we're going to dig in to addiction and what it means to love somebody who has an addiction.
Speaker 2:Let me tell you something Everybody struggles. The difference is some people choose to go through it and some choose to grow through it. The choice is completely yours. Which one you choose will have a very profound effect on the way you live your life.
Speaker 3:If you find strength in the struggle, then this podcast is for you. Do you have a relationship that is comfortable with uncomfortable conversations? Uncomfortable conversations challenge you, humble you and they build you. When you sprinkle a little time and distance on it, it all makes sense. Most disagreements they stem from our own insecurities. You are right where you need to be.
Speaker 2:The whole day gone, falling behind, to rest in peace. What it do, what it do. Good Lord, almighty, am I feeling thankful to be back with you Today's? A milestone episode for us Episode 250. Milestone episode for us episode 250. That's kind of a crazy moment in time for us to be at 250 consecutive episodes of the podcast and, ironically, I think that episode 250 has the potential to be one of the most difficult yet inspiring episodes of the podcast, one that we are going to put out today with true hopes and aspirations of helping someone with a real desire of causing and affecting change today. With that being said, I could not be any more proud to be joined tonight by my lovely, beautiful wife, miss Allie Liberty, over there.
Speaker 1:That's me, hey guys.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the show. My dear I'm not my dear. My dear, my dear, oh here, here, that's something mya would say right here. I was trying to think of a Madea line real quick, and I couldn't think of one, hit me with one alert alert. That's it, alert alert. Last week you joined me as well. You picked the topic for the show last week because you were some fired up about.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, that's right. I was like did I join you last week?
Speaker 2:I know right, it feels like it's been longer than a week, doesn't it? Yeah. So last week you picked the topic and, as life would have it, this week you picked the topic again and here we are getting ready to discuss really something that everybody in the country deals with, something that I think every household at this point has dealt with has some kind of struggle with named share the struggle.
Speaker 1:I think it's important for us to discuss and dig into one of the greatest struggles in our country today and that's addiction yeah, in some way, shape or form, it has touched you, whether it be a family member, a close friend, a friend of a friend. It has touched everyone. And if, if you say it hasn't, you haven't dug deep enough because it has in some way shape or form, you just start peeling back the onion and you're going to find it.
Speaker 2:It's like whether it's one layer, two layers, four layers deep you're going to find somebody. I think addiction is a great equalizer because it does not care about your social status, it does not care about how big your bank account is, it does not care who you voted for, who you pray to. Addiction really has no boundaries and I am willing to bet in some way, shape or form, with varying degrees, every household in America has some form of struggle with addiction. Yep.
Speaker 1:So this is I think we should start this episode off with a trigger warning.
Speaker 2:A trigger warning.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, talk to me trigger warning.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, talk to me. Trigger warning is basically when you're going to get into like a deep, uh, conversation that could trigger somebody, like it could be, emotional, it could be. I think we should use that from here on out, like if it's going to be, or even when you're in the middle of it and you know that you're about to get like deep and dark and it might like yeah hit you in the feels you know it's gonna trigger some kind of heavy thought or emotion.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's important to let people know, um, that it goes with a heavy heart as to what we're about to talk about and if you are listening to the podcast, we're super thankful and we appreciate you taking the time. But we want to give you that heads up and that warning that if you're about to walk into work, we don't want this to be some sort of trigger for you that you have to gather yourself. You know what I mean. I think it's important. I think it's important.
Speaker 2:I think some of our episodes are uplifting. We always try to put a positive spin on an episode, which we shall do again today. We always do. But some of our episodes are a lot more lighthearted and fun, right, and others there's a lot of heavy lifting and emotion. That goes into it.
Speaker 1:And today is certainly going to be one of those. Yeah, real, raw and honest. Real, raw and honest and in true liberty fashion.
Speaker 2:yesterday, when all of this situation took place, I said to you let's record the podcast yeah, before we even really dive head over heels into this, I want to start off by saying to you that I'm proud of you for saying to you that I'm proud of you for opening up, sharing something so personal and the fact that that was your first thought right.
Speaker 2:Like not your first thought, but when you started to process things and some time had kind of set in, you said well, let's talk about this. And I think that shows a few things. Number one it shows the type of person you are, that you're transparent, you're willing to bare your soul and your heart with the hopes of making a difference for somebody else.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I hope that my story, my message that I put across can help somebody or give them the push that they need to make the change that they need. Because, I'll tell you, what we're about to dig into is not for the weak. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I commend you for sharing your story, your thought process in wanting to help somebody, and also I'm proud of you for having the strength to share your story, because too many people keep this stuff in.
Speaker 2:Too many people bottle this stuff up and then it turns into a cancer inside you that will eat away at you, so I'm so thankful for you that your thought process was I'm going to get this out, I want to share my thoughts and I'm going to do what's right and I'm going to hope that by being transparent and heartfelt, that I'm going to help somebody.
Speaker 1:That's my goal.
Speaker 2:Without any further ado. I think to kind of rip off the band-aid and start getting into the discussion this is a personal topic for you and to tackle addiction head on. We are going to start right off with a family dynamic and what your childhood was like and, um, if you could just express to some of the people that maybe this is the first time that they've joined the podcast or maybe they're long time loyal day ones, but they just it's been a long time since they heard any of this. But really, for those of the folks that are listening for the first time or they're new to us we've picked up a lot of new listeners as of late kind of set the scene for them a little bit about what your childhood was like and, you know, just kind of paint the picture to pave the road a little bit here about your upbringing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I am the oldest of two children, so myself and my brother and I can recall up until my brother and I were maybe like I think I was eight, so my brother was probably like four. Life was great. Mom, dad, I can remember those things, but I didn't know any better either. So what I recall is that we lived in this beautiful house, we had four wheelers, we were near a lake, we would do those things, but every night my parents would have people show up at the house all the time and they were always in their quote-unquote office and I remember so well that all I could smell was skunk all the time, all the time. And I didn't know any better. We lived in the woods and I was like, and my parents would always cover it up and just say like, oh, it's a skunk outside.
Speaker 1:Well, the more I grew older, you realize that they were just smoking weed, and this topic is not going to be about smoking weed, because everybody in there tom, dick, dick and Harry smokes weed. It's not about that. So I just want to put that out there. Day in and day out there would be people at the house, and the more that I grew older, the more this addiction became more intense. There was alcohol involved, there was pills involved, there was weed involved, and these sort of transactions and situations happened around us, so around, like I don't know. Maybe nine or ten is when I really started to realize like what?
Speaker 2:exactly was going on? Um, from the age eight to ten, there's constant flows in the evening, people coming by either during the day. In the evening we were meeting somewhere doing whatever they were taking you guys on meetups to drop things off. So after about a year or two years of this you kind of realized this isn't normal really and you start to really put together what's actually happening.
Speaker 1:At that time it started to become more clear because the aggression started. That's when it started to come up. So the alcohol and the drugs mixed together formed, um, an aggression, uh towards me, um, and so at that point, um, it became like a constant thing. Um, I was, I was beat down, I was abused, I was hurt, and I would stand up to my parents because I didn't want my brother to get hurt. So I took the brunt of it because he was so young.
Speaker 2:When you say you stood up to your parents and took the brunt of it to protect your brother are you referring to abuse.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, physical abuse.
Speaker 2:Is this coming from both of your parents? One of your parents?
Speaker 1:Well, the physical was not from my mother, the verbal was from my mother.
Speaker 2:So you have your father being abusive, physically abusive, putting hands on you and then when you're thinking that your mother should be stepping in to protect you, she's, in turn, actually being mentally abusive or manipulative yeah, she would turn the other way.
Speaker 1:She wouldn't. Yeah, she would turn the other way. She would go downstairs in the basement or in the office and close the door and she would just lie about it. If I would say something about it house and tell her what happened, or if I had a mark on me and I would tell her, she would say she's lying and she just wants attention.
Speaker 2:I'm sure at this age going to school, you're 10 years old and you have marks on you. Other kids had to notice or bring things up or the marks were always in a hidden spot yeah, did you so at that time I started going to the guidance council I'm gonna say did you ever speak with somebody at school like this is what's, this is what's happening at home yep, um, and the first time that I did that um, a d DHS worker showed up at the house. That didn't go so well.
Speaker 1:No, no, that did not go over very well at all, and again it was just a lie. I was lying. I do this all the time. I am a manipulator. I am the problem. I have a problem.
Speaker 2:I've met many 10-year-olds that were the manipulative problem, you know.
Speaker 1:So at that point, when the abuse would happen, I began to run away. I would run away to my friend Catherine's house and they would, they would protect me, they would um, I can't tell you how many times, um, I ran away to her house and they knew I went there. And the police would go to their house and and Catherine's dad would say she's not here, I haven't seen her, and I would be upstairs on the top, on the top bunk with a blanket over my head and just begging him not to let them. Let them come in.
Speaker 2:This already triggers the fact that this many years ago, there's still so much wrong in this country with not stepping in and protecting children. Like DHS has to know better than just to show up at the house. This is going to, this is what's going to happen. Like DHS, has to know better than just to show up at the house. This is what's going to happen, like you're provoking this abusive father to beating the shit out of his kid, like questioning them is not the way.
Speaker 1:It's not the answer. Yeah, all they did was just come and do a welfare check.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's, and I get it because a lot of times there could be situations where, like, you need to do some research, but do your damn research if the kid has marks and stuff or you know the the whole law enforcement thing going out and looking for you. Um, it's just crazy that that they couldn't see this. Like you can't interview somebody that's all messed up on pills and weed and drunk and believe them.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. It's crazy, but that's the thing. It was masked. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So when DHS would show up, they were this perfect mom and dad, we have this beautiful house, we have this four-wheeler, we have all this stuff and she's just ungrateful. I remember them saying that all the time. And she's just ungrateful. I remember them saying that all the time. She's just ungrateful, she's a spoiled brat and she doesn't get what she wants, so she makes up lies and she runs away. Those are the things that I overheard them say to the DHS worker. She has a beautiful bedroom, she has this, she has that, she has this, but what you don't see?
Speaker 2:is what happens behind closed doors. That's the problem.
Speaker 1:One of the uh craziest stories that I've heard from you about how far they would go to portray themselves as not being abusive addicts was, um the family photo yeah yeah, they were on the wall, they were perfect, they were the perfect photo and that was the only photos that we ever had had done I remember you saying that they were like under investigation.
Speaker 2:Right, they were under investigation so it was a dhs open case, so to overcome that, they were like under investigation, right, mm-hmm? They were under investigation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was a DHS open case.
Speaker 2:So to overcome that, they wanted to paint the picture of this great, happy family. So they go, book the JCPenney.
Speaker 1:Macy's, whatever mall glamour shot photo. We had never done that, ever, ever. And then immediately we came home and they made sure to get like the biggest package and it was like, but I'm all up on the wall.
Speaker 2:That's completely an addict's justification in covering something too.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, because I was going through pictures and I found them and I just like those pictures.
Speaker 5:Like I look at them and they just make me cringe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the hardest thing.
Speaker 2:That's the thing, like if we're starting to relate this to other people that are listening. That's the thing that, like you, can't believe in social media. You know, like this was pre-social media. But how many people do we have in our lives right now that they're putting these, you know, filter-fueled images on social media to protect the fact of what's going on behind closed doors? You? Know what I mean To paint that false image that we have this happy family when in actuality behind closed doors.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean to paint that false image that we have this happy family when in actuality behind closed doors like it's all hell.
Speaker 1:You know yeah, and it's as simple as like baseball games and all this kind of stuff like that we would go to to attend. I can recall my dad having a gatorade or fruit punch gatorade bottle with a Cape Cod in it on the bleachers of a kid's baseball game. I can recall these things and it's like who knows how many pills you took before you started drinking. And then here you are sitting on the bleachers dozing off. I can't tell you how many times you'd be sitting there having a conversation with him and he would just doze off. I can't tell you how many times you'd be sitting there having a conversation with him and he would just doze off, like you're not tired, like here. I am thinking that's, that's normal. You know, I don't know any different.
Speaker 2:People got to understand you're. We're talking about an eight year old, a 10 year old, where this shit's happening.
Speaker 1:I'm 10 years old, yeah, so um, after multiple times of of hiding from the police, every time I had to go home, and it never got easier when. I went home, yeah.
Speaker 1:It was always. You get what you want. The grass is always greener on the other side, like you're a spoiled brat, but really never. Yeah sure, we have this house and we're down the street from the lake and we have these four wheelers, but if you're being abused and neglected, none of that stuff means anything to me. I'm 10 years old. I don't want any. I don't want any of that. I want to get away. I want to get away from everything, from the hurt, from the pain, but I don't feel comfortable doing that with my little brother being there. Right.
Speaker 1:My goal as the I guess it's not even my goal my job as an older sibling is to protect him. That is your duty as an older sibling to protect him.
Speaker 2:That is your duty as an older sibling to protect your younger siblings the sad thing is is that's your fucking parents duty, but they just were not actual adults and parents. You know right, and I know, if you have an abusive parent, then you're trying to confide in the other one. You're running to the other one for protection and in turn, you're trying to confide in the other one. You're running to the other one for protection and in turn, you're actually getting accused of things and manipulated and to the point where, like you, have a mother that's jealous of a 10-year-old.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I couldn't go to the store with my dad. We couldn't go on, you know, on good. There was good days. You know, my dad and my brother and I we would go on four wheeler rides and um, during the day was great. It was at nighttime when he would like start to drink and do pills and he would get aggressive and um it. Anytime we did anything that Angel didn't want to be a part of. I would always return to the house and receive an attitude like, like I'm entitled, like I'm like just made me feel so little. I'm 10 years old. I just want to come home and be like oh my god, guess what we did? Like we did this, we did that. You know what I mean. Like you want to share with that other person, like what happened, and she's like cool must be nice. That is what I heard my entire life, my entire must be nice, must be nice.
Speaker 2:In that monotone you had mentioned too. She's always.
Speaker 1:She's not doing mom things either, like she's playing on the computer always playing like farmville and being on the computer just on social media, because anytime that she would get a job she would get hurt at it on purpose so she could collect unemployment and sit at home. She never wanted to keep a real job. To be honest with you, I can't even. The only job that I can recall that she actually kept was when she was a worker for my grandma, for one of her foster kids, and that, to be honest, thinking about it now, never should have happened. That should have been a conflict of interest at its finest, because here's angel working with my grandmother's foster kids as an employee yeah, that's not that's a conflict of interest across the board, but they allowed it to happen.
Speaker 1:so she would would come in, she would take care of um one of the children and that she would take them places and do things and do that, and that's the only job that I can actually recall that she ever kept. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's one of those situations where I'm going to get a job long enough to either get let go or to have an injury so I can collect unemployment.
Speaker 1:It was always an injury. Until I get to the point of trying to just collect disability and never have to work again, basically Mm-hmm, yep, yeah, I can recall like she fell down the stairs at work, she slipped on the ice and hurt her back and she got head-butted at work, and this, that and the third, like the list goes on and on and on. Like she had to have had like a red flag on her, you would think yeah, unemployment status. Unemployment status, disability status.
Speaker 2:This lady's had 15 injuries at work type of scenario.
Speaker 1:Once a year. Yeah, like, yeah, yeah, it was one of those things. And then, like, god forbid, if you missed the bus and had to, like, ask for a ride to school, forget about it. Forget about it, you might have. You might as well have just asked her to run a marathon. Yeah, have just asked her to run a marathon. She was not walking away from her computer to bring you to school. No, you better walk.
Speaker 1:I used to miss the bus on purpose because she would make my brother not at eight years old, this was like a little bit, he was a little bit older. He would miss the bus because that boy did not want to get up out of school like out of bed and he would have to walk to school and she would be sitting on the computer. I would miss the bus because that boy did not want to get up out of school like out of bed and he would have to walk to school and she would be sitting on the computer. I would miss the bus on purpose and walk with him because I would have to walk by to go to school how long was the walk?
Speaker 2:uh, you know where the um the gazebo is because, in biddeford oh, so I didn't know if you were still talking about no this is like in biddeford okay yeah to the elementary school in biddeford.
Speaker 1:Wow, he's like eight that's crazy. That's the shittiest part of town for some little kid to be walking yes in the first place I would purposely miss the bus so that I could walk with him what, um, what happened to the nice house and lost it because she didn't want to work lost everything.
Speaker 1:Dan couldn't afford it on his own lost everything. But in the meantime, before all that happened um, I mean they were after that situation we bounced from people's houses. We stayed in people's houses, sharing living quarters, because they lost everything, right, and we were staying in motels. We were staying in motels, we were staying in cottages, we were staying with my grandparents, we were staying with Meme, really anywhere, but we weren't anywhere for a long period of time. We jumped from place to place but we were allowed at my gram's house, but my dad wasn't. They didn't have a good relationship because my grandmother did not trust Dan. She could read right through him.
Speaker 2:She knew what was happening at home Because she believed me. Yeah, she was the only one, correct, correct? I know that there was a time when you were a little kid and you ran away from home and stole a pedal bike and this is yep, actually, you're correct, that was before we left the um water from waterborough tondel, which, for those that don't know, I don't even know the miles on that, but that's it takes us 30 minutes to drive. It takes us 30 minutes to drive there and you pedal biked it as a little kid.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so actually, um, my bad on that, uh yeah. So what had actually happened is I had gone to the guidance counselor for the last time. Um, I had had enough, um, and this time I was like you know what, I'm going to the guidance counselor and this time I'm not leaving, I'm not going home, unless someone's coming with me. Right.
Speaker 1:I'm, I'm done, I can't do this anymore. Um, I will run away. Um, I'm telling them everything. I'm telling them everything. And that day, um telling them everything, and that day, the guidance counselor was like I can't physically do anything. I remember them checking me for bruises and I remember them calling DHS while I was in the room. They said that someone would meet me there. I'm, at this point, middle school, I think. Middle school, age 12, I think.
Speaker 2:How can a guidance counselor in DHS negotiate with a 12-year-old? You know what I mean? Well, you get there and then we'll meet you there. That's not how this shit should work, man like you're not protecting anybody nope.
Speaker 1:So at that point, when I had got home, there was nobody there, there was no new vehicles in the driveway, there was no, nothing. So I had, uh, broken into the shed, um, and there was my brother's mongoose bike and I took it. I took it, I had actually drove. I took the bike and I went over to Catherine's house first and they weren't home, and that was my safety net. They weren't home and I said what other option do I have? I have to go somewhere. And I know they're going to go there anyway. And that was their first line of defense. They went right there because Catherine told me afterwards that they had gone there and it was.
Speaker 1:I don't know exactly who went there, but I know that it wasn't just the officers, that's what they said. There was multiple people that went to katherine's house, um and um. So instead, I, I just, I just drove my bike, I, I just my brother's bike, I rode and rode talking about a 50 55 mile an hour road, by the way, like it's not yeah it's a trucker route it's a trucker's route with a 12 year old on a pedal bike like not not safe at all.
Speaker 1:Not one person stopped to ask me if I was okay. Nope, nope, and these are back roads that I'm taking to, so there's no street lights. There's you know, it's after school, like I'm just driving, I'm just pedaling and I'm going to get there and every hill that I got to I'm like counting, I'm like, all right, I know I'm this far away, I know I'm this far away.
Speaker 2:At this point you're scared of them coming up behind you. I'm sure I'm pedaling. That's why I'm taking random side roads, because I know if I Trying to lose them Because they're not going to think that I'm going to a rundle.
Speaker 1:They're going in Waterboro. They're going to stay in that area. They know that's where all my friends are. Right. And so I get to my grandmother's house and no one's home. Mind you, the driveway is actually. My aunt and uncle live in the first house. My uncle and cousins live in the next house, like it's basically just like a family compound.
Speaker 2:Family dead end road yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And so like I end up, like my grandma's actually on vacation, and I break into the house and I call her cell phone from the house and immediately she said what are you doing? Yeah, and I just said I can't, I can't do it and I can't go home. I can't go home. And she said lock the door and do not open the door for anyone. I'll be on the next plane home and I will. I will be there. Don't open the door, because she knew if I opened the door they would take me home. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I got worried this time around that if I went home, how bad it would be.
Speaker 2:I'm sure.
Speaker 1:Like. So I didn't open the door. They did show up. I didn't open the door, um, and I heard them out there um, but I did what she said don't open the door. And then she was there and the next day she is a um foster parent. So she has to legally reach out to the. She has to reach out to DHS and say listen, this is the circumstances. I know you have an open case. I don't want to lose my license and I don't want to lose the kids that I have here, but this is the circumstances and she does not want to go home. You have open cases on her right now and I'm okay with her staying here.
Speaker 1:And they never I never became a. They allowed me to stay there. I moved in. I had the ability to go with a DHS caseworker back to the house in Waterboro to collect my belongings and I remember Angel saying I was sitting on the stairs going up to my bedroom and she said you don't know what you're doing to this family, you are breaking this family up and I remember that and I will remember that for the rest of my life, not the fact that I was protecting myself and you were seeing that.
Speaker 2:You were doing what she should have always done, which is protect you. Correct, you were the adult in the situation and you're 12 years old. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So at that point DHS allowed me to get all my belongings pack them up and it's my understanding now that I never became a ward of the state, so I never became like a foster kid or anything like that, like I. What it sounds like to me is that my parents allowed it to happen.
Speaker 2:Right, I got you. This is they basically wanted to avoid a court case and everything else, Correct correct.
Speaker 1:And so, with that being said, I was allowed to go see them and they were allowed to come see me, and I could go on weekend visits or any of that nature if I wanted to. And I didn't for a very, very long time. And then one time I went to go visit and I found myself on a plane headed to see my Uncle Bruce. I thought this was great. It was the 4th of July, it's perfect timing. I'm like this is great, I'm going to watch all the fireworks. I haven't seen my uncle in so long and they tried to keep me there.
Speaker 2:That's wild. You don't spend any time with them for months and then you go to spend a weekend with them and they try to abduct you and bring you to Atlanta.
Speaker 1:They didn't go with me, so they just threw you on a plane. They put me on a plane in Portland and my uncle was waiting in Atlanta for me because I had a direct flight.
Speaker 2:So your uncle On a buddy pass, I'm sure has no clue that their motive is to steal you away from your grandmother.
Speaker 1:No idea, wow. So it's summer break. I'm there visiting, having the time of my life. I'm going to Six Flags.
Speaker 2:Does your grandmother know where you are during this?
Speaker 1:I think so because when I called her she asked me. Think so because when I called her she asked me like I can't remember like exactly, but I do remember after calling, like I called to tell her like what was going on because, like, I talked to her not my parents and I remember having a conversation with her about everything that was going on and she asked me so when are you coming home? And my conversation with her is I don't know, I don't know. So I asked my uncle, bruce, like I want to go home, when can I go home? And he didn't have an answer for me.
Speaker 1:Jeez, bro, and to be honest with you, I don't really recall how long I was there. Yeah, I know it wasn't a weekend. I know it wasn't a like. I was on summer break, so I was having a good time. I'm 12 years old. Like I'm in in another state, I'm visiting cousins I haven't seen in a long time, so I don't recall how long I was actually there, but I was there for some time.
Speaker 2:There was another situation where they had you for a weekend and they dropped you off somewhere, right? What was that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, they had me for a weekend and this was like this actually happened before the trip to Georgia. So I was actually dropped off at the Halifax house, which is for children who are disobedient, which is for children who are disobedient. Out of line, just not sane.
Speaker 2:So here you are. You're a little kid. You're getting the shit kicked out of you by your dad. You're getting mentally abused by your mother.
Speaker 1:They're blaming you as the problem and they drop you off, basically at a halfway house for kids. Yeah, there was alarms on the door. There was bars on the windows. You couldn't come out of your bedroom without the alarm going off. Um, you had to attend meetings. There had like group meetings. You weren't allowed to go off the property. Um, when I got there, I gave them all my stuff, they went through all my stuff and then I was told I couldn't use the phone for like a week.
Speaker 2:They basically admitted their child to prison for being the mature one in the family.
Speaker 1:And I was there for a couple of weeks. And I called my gram every day and I said come get me. And she said I don't know where you are and I can't Because, again, they're still my parents. I never became a ward of the state or she could have stepped in.
Speaker 2:This is just a snippet of what your upbringing was like. They lose the house and everything that they thought was like their showpiece of life. Basically, right the thing, that could cover everything up. Angel doesn't want to work. They're deep in drugs, so they're bouncing from couch to couch, to motel, to hotel to whatever. Yep. Do you have an instance where, unfortunately for you, your whole world changes because your grandmother, who's raising you, passes?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and she passed away when I had been living with her from the age of I think it was like 11, and I turned 12 when I was with her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I remember I was in middle school and so I lived with her until, mind you, I lived with her on and off on her property, right, yeah, dealing with this chaos, yeah because we actually had a camper that was backed into like one bay of a three-bay garage and one of the bays was turned into like a living room so it was attached to the camper that was in the garage. So I would honestly sneak out in the middle of the night and run across the driveway and go into my grandparents' room and stay with them. So I would honestly sneak out in the middle of the night and run across the driveway and go into my grandparents room and and stay with them. This is when I'm like way young, before my brother's even born, um, but dan wasn't allowed there yeah like.
Speaker 1:So I lived with her most of my life, um, and so I had been living with her from the age of full term, lived with her every day from the age of 11 to 17, when she passed away.
Speaker 2:So you feel like you're starting to get your life straightened out. You're 17, you're about to graduate high school.
Speaker 1:Yep, yep, and she's about to set me up. Like you know, we're talking about like getting driver's ed and getting like a real job and doing all the things. Um, she's, uh, she's setting me, setting me straight, she's making me earn, uh, everything, working my tail off. You know, nothing I ever had was ever given to me.
Speaker 2:She's instilling core values in you and making up for the wrongs and teaching you the life lessons that you should have been taught, as opposed to the ones that you were taught. Correct. And you're starting to make something of yourself and trust me, I was an angry kid I was fighting everyone at school.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I had a bad attitude, but I had great reason to do that. I had a grown-ass man going toe-to-toe with me day in and day out. So of course I'm angry. Yeah, I have so much to be angry for and I remember like constantly being pulled into the principal's office because I didn't care if you were five foot or six foot two. You looked at me the wrong way and I'm going to swing on you because I have so much pent up anger. By the time I was 17 years old, I had 10 assault charges. Four of them, maybe even five, were on my own mother.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she called the cops on you.
Speaker 1:And pressed charges. Every single time, I defended myself. Every single time I defended myself.
Speaker 2:So think about the fact that you have this young girl growing up that is being physically abused by her father Bullied, Bullied, standing up for herself and then fighting back. And then you're rewarded by your mother calling the police and pressing assault charges on you. Yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Yep, so you're starting to overcome this stuff. You're you're learning right from wrong, Like your, your, your grandmother's really making you earn every single thing in life and you're really establishing these core values. And the worst thing that could have ever happened is you wake up and find that your uh, that your, your grandmother who really is your mother at this point has passed. Not only has she passed? But you have to be the one to find her. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And as if you hadn't already grown up way too fast. Now here we are again, and to not go down that whole road. What people need to understand is now, at this point, the rest of your family steps in and takes everything from you that your grandmother had either awarded you or made you work for. Family steps in, takes absolutely everything Correct, and now your safety net and the only person that you can trust that's taking care of you is gone and you have nothing. Nothing.
Speaker 2:You had to go out on your own and start a life for yourself by yourself at age 17.
Speaker 1:Yep. So, for whatever reason, angel showed up at the house the day that my gram had passed away and she said come on, let's go. I'm 17 years old, I just lost my everything. I don't know any better. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know which way is up at this point. All I do know is that my life had just changed in that moment, that I had woken up and I didn't know what to do. So I ended up with Angel at their motel room in Kennebunk and we basically just sat there and talked and I was like what? I had my grandmother's dog, trixie, her little Datsun, with me, and Trixie is just like crying and crying. And I just remembered, like Angel, just I don't even know, I don't even recall her crying Like I don't even there was no mourning, there was no, and I mean, everybody grieves differently, but we were just in a hotel room, like just hanging out Like it was a normal casual day.
Speaker 1:Meanwhile, my life is being pulled out in a body bag and everybody is running through the house that I grew up in, taking anything and everything, running through my room, her room, in taking anything and everything, running through my room, her room, looking for anything and everything they could of value. Because again, here's the picture. We live on a compound. They watched the hearse pull in. They watched the hearse pull out. They knew the house was no one was there. They knew the house was no one was there. They ran through that house like it was no, like nothing even happened, like they were some sort of criminals breaking in.
Speaker 1:When I went back to that house to collect some of my belongings, to try and just not be in the house that I just found my grandmother in the house was in such disarray I threw up. Like the house looked like someone had burglarized it and this was only a few hours that I had been out of the house because I said I can't be here. Why am I here in this hotel room? Like here, I am 17 years old. Like get me the fuck out of here. I don't want to be here.
Speaker 2:That's crazy. You never know people's true character until times like that, and it's extremely hard to forgive people when they act that way. You know, I know there's family in your life that you've reconnected with, but when you think about those times, it's like I don't even know how you can. You know what?
Speaker 1:I mean.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it's like how do I forgive and forget people for their actions when they did stuff like this Every time.
Speaker 2:This goes for pretty much everybody. I feel like every time I lose somebody in my family I learn some of the worst characteristics about the rest of my family that's still living. You see people's true insights for who they are and it's disgusting. So you're trying to really sticking on addiction, because this does stem from addiction. At this point your parents chose pills and alcohol and weed or whatever over you and you're struggling with this. The repeat scenario here is that you always give them another chance. So after your grandmother passes, you're trying to make it on your own, but this starts the repeat effect of always giving them another chance, another opportunity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, as soon as she passed away, I didn't have anything. They wouldn't allow me, the family wouldn't allow me, to stay at the house, even though I was 17 years old and I had grown up in that house. What they didn't know was that I was about to come into some money, a big chunk of money. To be honest, I want to say it was $122,000. I was about to come into at 18 years old because I had gotten my arm caught in a hay baler at the age you almost lost your arm.
Speaker 2:Yes, this opens up a whole other can where, like your parents, manipulated the situation to take money.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, they got their money for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure and um. So what the family didn't know is that I was about to come into some money and I would be okay to stay in that house, right, but they refused to let me stay in the house that I grew up in yeah they kicked me out and then let somebody else a family member move in and destroy the house.
Speaker 2:The ironic thing is is you could have paid rent and everything would have been fine.
Speaker 1:And there barely was a mortgage. I think there wasn't a mortgage, it was just taxes.
Speaker 2:And the thing is is like we talk about when you sprinkle time and distance on things. Eventually that house gets basically destroyed and it gets sold for less than you could have paid for it at age 17. So you could have rented there, stayed there until you were 18 and bought that house, and every single family member that was entitled to money would have made more money off of you buying that house than what they eventually did when they sold it because it was half destroyed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they allowed a flood to happen purposely, I don't know, but yeah, and so they allowed a flood to happen purposely, I don't know, but yeah, and so they sold it for next to nothing.
Speaker 2:It's crazy how people's greed tends to come back and eat them alive you know, so I don't know the best place where you want to take this, but I know that it's a constant struggle for you with them. You end up going back with them because you have no other option.
Speaker 1:I have no other option. It was very short, short lived. I had actually stayed with them, I can't exactly. I had to stay with them for a short amount of time because I was still in high school, right?
Speaker 1:So I had to I had to stay with them for a short amount of time because I was still in high school, right, so I had to get my diploma and while doing that I was staying in the motel in Kennebunk with them. And then they had moved out of that motel into Biddeford and a family member whose angel's brother called, called the school Kenny bunk school and said Alison doesn't live in Kenny bunk anymore, that's why, senior year I had to transfer schools to Biddeford for a vocational school program which was early childhood development and a study hall.
Speaker 2:All because you know no one wanted hair across his ass and wanted to prove a point. Yeah, basically.
Speaker 1:Yep, that my mom, that I wasn't living living in Kennebunk anymore, so I didn't deserve to get a diploma from Kennebunk and I didn't deserve to go to that school anymore. Yeah, when the assistant principal was very close with my family and very close with this uncle of mine.
Speaker 2:Here's another scenario, and less on unforgiveness, because you have forgiven him and just yesterday you're counseling this man.
Speaker 1:Wrong uncle.
Speaker 2:Oh, this one's no longer here.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:I got you.
Speaker 1:This one has passed on, but I have a relationship, then if that's the case.
Speaker 2:He's also the one that almost cut your arm off. Correct, Correct. What an asshole Yep.
Speaker 1:Yep. So if anything, you owed me something. Of course you did and if you would have looked at the scenario and been like, okay, she's going to a vocational school in Biddeford and coming back for a study hall in Kennebunk who gives a fuck if she graduated, I need one credit, that's insane. So I have a diploma from Biddeford High School, but I didn't attend Biddeford High School. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I so much so that I ran the damn thing over. I ran it over Like so. During this entire process, angel and I saw more on hand of the addiction. I would see more and more Now you're basically an adult.
Speaker 1:I'm an adult, yeah, at that point, and I wouldn't stay there at the motel. 90% of the time I was either at Katie's house or Lindsay's house. I didn't want to be there. But where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? But these friends of mine knew what was going on and basically took me in Because, like they understand the circumstances, like they know, I don't want to be with my parents based on the addiction, based on the trauma, based on the abuse. So they're trying to help me. But I would see, day in and day out, like we would just be going to the store to get dinner and you know, we'd be in the parking lot and I'd look out the window and you see, like a hand to hand, like he's, he's doing a drug deal while we're trying to pick food up at Hannaford. Yeah, you know what I mean, like it's just a constant thing. And then you'd get back and Angel would be in front of the computer, just like dozing off, like just staring, like hello, hello, are you there?
Speaker 2:Like no, no, no. So this is hard, it's hard to process and and we could go on for hours about, yeah, separate experiences and things um, but I do know that there comes a time I can only speak to, when you and me start, start dating and I can see the addiction with both of them and you know the manipulation, all the lies, all the times they promised you that they would, you know, be here for something or we were going to do something. I see all of those things and all those letdowns and you know you go over and see the manipulation and the sense of, like Angel was always. What am I going to get out of this scenario?
Speaker 1:Always it was a one-sided relationship, for sure.
Speaker 2:And anytime we would be over there and you'd be talking about something, it would always be the must be nice. I heard that a multiple amount of times.
Speaker 1:I got a new job. I got a new vehicle.
Speaker 2:Right, exactly.
Speaker 1:We're going on vacation because we earned it, all that sort of thing.
Speaker 2:I had actually heard from people that are no longer friends of ours, that were at one point in time friends of both of our families separately, that came to me at my work and told me all the shit.
Speaker 2:She was talking about you and me, you know, um, so you just you hear those things, but but the drug use became obvious and it was tough for me to see you always get your hopes up that they would change and become the parents that you deserved. So what would happen was a repeated cycle of you removing yourself from a situation and then them, you know, taking this time, and they would run you through the mud like angel would really be the vocal one that would run your name through the shitter, that would talk shit to your brother to keep you away from from from us and, um, she would be the one stirring the pot and causing the arguments with you and eventually you would just cut all ties. And then some time would pass and you would forgive and forget and try to mend the relationship, there'd be a glimpse of hope you'd see some glimmer of hope that you could fix this and you would go running back in to fix it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Because I learned those characteristics from my grandma. She taught me to wear her, that she wore her heart on her sleeve and she was always there to help people. And I learned that from her and I felt that, with that glimmer of hope that I could fix it.
Speaker 1:And that's what I hoped for. I can fix this, I can fix this. And I constantly said that. And then I remember you and I having a conversation and you're like you can do whatever you want, but I'm sick of picking up the pieces for you because you're getting hurt. And it was at that moment that I was like you're right, it's not fair to you, it's not fair to you and it's not fair to me to constantly be coming back, thinking and hoping and praying and then just get my heart crashed like crashed on again. And it was at that moment that I made the decision to I had to walk away for us, yeah, for our relationship, because I was worried it was going to put a wedge in between us and that what we have wasn't going to be what we had anymore. And so at that point I started to distance myself for longer times.
Speaker 2:I know how hard that was for you because we went through these cycles of like to your point. We would all of us would try to welcome them back. Yeah. My parents included, absolutely.
Speaker 1:We would have them over for holidays, absolutely.
Speaker 2:For dinners, and then it would turn into something you know, like Always We'd make theseners and then it would turn into something you know like.
Speaker 4:Always make these plans and then there would be nothing and then it would was always some sort of drama, like we were the problem.
Speaker 2:We did something, we said something.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we created something and the more this went on, we realized that it was she's a narcissist at its finest, of course, but we didn't until you had that conversation with me to open my eyes to this is what's happening and you need to see it. Yeah, like I didn't see it, and, and that's the hardest thing, is that I was constantly manipulated, constantly like this has been happening to you my whole room, to this your entire life, my whole life.
Speaker 1:so I didn't see it, but you were on the outside, so for you to see it and open my eyes and express to me listen, I'm going to support you 110% on what you do, but I'm going to tell you this is what's happening and this is what I see. It was not an easy conversation.
Speaker 2:It hurt. Very difficult conversation because, like to your point it was also you can do whatever you want to do and I'm going to support you. But I'm getting tired of picking up the pieces every time you come home and you are destroyed and then it's a month or two months to try to get your confidence back to get you back to being who you are supposed to be to the person that I know you are.
Speaker 1:Right, you fall in this depression.
Speaker 2:It was just a vicious cycle all the time and at the time there was a great portion of this where we were living with my parents. The whole household was living through the depression. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:I read a thing the other day that said that loving an addict is like grieving a loss. You go through this like roller coaster. So you're like I'm good, I'm not good, I'm good, I'm not good. And when I read that I thought back to our conversation and I thought back to, wow, he was right. Wow, that's that's exactly what I was going through, but I didn't know anything different. That was comfort to me.
Speaker 1:The constant uh, fight like, fight for fight. For me is what I is what I grew up on on. There was constant like fighting and bickering in my household, but it was like always fighting for someone's attention and you're getting an attitude from this person because you were giving this one attention. I was used to that. That was the. That was the life that I lived and, to put it into perspective, I started to dig in a little bit deeper about what a narcissist is and I'm like that's it. It's a narcissistic behavior and she would know right where to hit me. That it would be she knew what would hurt. Yes, she knew what would hurt.
Speaker 2:She knew what would hurt, she knew what to say, and the thing that always killed me was that you always wanted their happiness more than they did. Every time I wanted you pushed harder for them to be happy. You pushed harder for them to be healthy. You pushed harder for them to make the right choices than they did and they began to resent you for it.
Speaker 2:They began to resent you for the fact that you were becoming happy. They resented you for the fact that you were building a life for yourself, that you got out of the scenario, that you were bettering yourself. They resented you for it. She completely hated you for it. But talk about how you've ruined the family and you chose me over the family and all these things, and you wanted her happiness more than she ever did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I wanted her to be healthy, happy and sober. Yeah, More than they did.
Speaker 2:Because it was always— you wanted the mother that you should have always had.
Speaker 1:Correct. That little girl inside of me begged and pleaded for a relationship and I tried, and I tried and I tried day in and day out. Let's go to counseling, let's work on this, and it was always you're the problem, you're it, you cause all of this and I don't have a problem. That's what I would be greeted with. I don't have an addiction, I'm not the problem. You're just right back to being spoiled, rotten, and it has nothing to do with that. I just see through the addiction and the thing of it is is loving someone who is an addict is so hard. It's so hard because, like you're saying, you want it more than they do, and I can't tell you how many times I have left their driveway crying because I just wanted them to do better and I had hopes and I prayed that they could do it, that they could get sober and they could change.
Speaker 2:We got to the point where you had to cut all ties.
Speaker 1:All ties from both of them.
Speaker 2:We talk a lot on this podcast about having to make the difficult decision to walk away from negativity at all costs, no matter how close that person is to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, letting go of things that are not serving you.
Speaker 2:The greatest challenge you could have ever had is walking away from your parents because they were taking you down. They were toxic and by doing so, your life changed. Drastically. You've built an amazing life for yourself and so many positive things have happened.
Speaker 1:I've prayed for this life and here I am living it.
Speaker 2:We To try to connect some of the dots here, just so people can kind of understand your parents. They separate. Your dad goes through some struggles but he's come out of this.
Speaker 1:He was having a real hard time with the addiction. Yep.
Speaker 2:And we had a time where we helped him get through the addiction and everything was great. And then he relapsed, and then he would relapse and fall right out of the graces. Just stop talking to her and then we said, okay, that's it, we can't help here anymore, I'm done. But he's doing great now.
Speaker 1:He is doing wonderful. He's in a healthy relationship A great career.
Speaker 2:He's happy. He's held down a great career for years.
Speaker 1:And we've invited him with all of the work that he's put in and that he's put the effort forward. We've allowed him and welcomed him back into our life, but there was a good amount of time that.
Speaker 2:The most important thing you can say in this is that he's in his granddaughter's life.
Speaker 1:He is now and it didn't start out that way.
Speaker 2:That's great for both of them you know, and, and I'm still at an arm's length with this whole scenario and uh, but I'm proud of him for the differences and I can see that he has that he has changed, and I'm me too and I'm happy for him. And this is all we ever wanted for angel was for her to see the light, take the actionable steps herself to change herself so that she too could have the same thing because they both got the same treatment from you.
Speaker 1:They did, they did. They both got cut off. Uh, 100 completely. Uh, no communication, I'm done. They would reach out and I wouldn't respond. Um, I would see them in public and I wouldn't respond. I would walk in the other direction, um, because they weren't ready and I knew they weren't ready. Based on the conversation and the messages that I would receive, like, um, I could tell that they had not had enough time to think about the reasoning why I was away, other than the fact that, again, I'm the problem.
Speaker 2:I think that Dan got to a point where he realized these are my mistakes that I have to own and I caused. This angel never got to a point of believing or accepting responsibility or accountability for any of her actions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, dan getting sober.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Is what really allowed all of those feelings to kind of surface.
Speaker 2:You remove yourself. Your life changes. Your brother removes himself Yep.
Speaker 1:His life changes. Yep he, your brother, removes himself. Yep His life changes.
Speaker 2:Yep, he's a dad now. Yep, your dad's rebounded and making it a second life for himself. Mm-hmm. And Angel spirals down Hard. Yes, to the point where we really weren't keeping tabs on anything, mm-hmm. And we were informed that she was on the news.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we were. I would get updates here and there from people, but just dismissed it because I just didn't want it to be reality.
Speaker 2:You're trying to remove yourself too, right yeah?
Speaker 1:Because we live in a small town, everybody knows everybody, everybody knows her, and that she's my mother. So I would constantly get these reminders, but I wouldn't feed into them and I wouldn't reach out and I wouldn't do anything about them, because I didn't want them. Number one didn't want them to be true.
Speaker 1:Number one, number two, I didn't want to associate myself with it. I didn't want to let her life and her situation live rent-free in my head. I was doing good, things were great, I was on the up and up, and the moment that I spent even a glimpse of time thinking about it, I immediately felt that depression kicking in and I immediately felt my heart sink, preparing for the hurt. Yeah, every time, every time. So, yeah, we got informed that she was on the news and basically came, I guess. We got the information that she was homeless, yeah, and she was living in the encampments downtown Biddeford and she had made some suggestions that if she hadn't had the people that were there, she probably would have jumped in the river. Right Making indications that she would commit suicide.
Speaker 2:She was so when dan dan had removed himself and got healthy, and then he made the mistake of going back to help her again to help her correct, and then the he's spent 20 something years together so he moves out again for the final time. Her apartment turns into a drug house essentially it's a party drug house. It's a party frat house yeah.
Speaker 2:There's a few dudes sleeping on the couch, whatever. There are pop-up rooms, makeshift rooms, everywhere. I remember going in there to move a TV for your dad and it was just people sleeping. It was a drug house. I remember going in there to move a TV for your dad and it was just people sleeping. It was a drug house. The neighbors had told you there was people in and out because you ended up having to work with one of our neighbors.
Speaker 1:Yeah and they just said all hours of the night there was constant traffic in and out, which was her selling drugs and doing drugs, and I hadn't seen her in a very long time until we had seen her on the news. Someone had sent us the article and I and her name had come up and I looked at it and I was like that's not her no way like, uh, she's let me see 52 years old and looking at her on there, she looked like she was 70 two years old and looking at her on there she looked like she was 70 it's crazy, she's 10 years older than I am right, um, yeah, if you look, she loses that place.
Speaker 2:She's now like on the news and a newspaper article as well, giving an interview that she's living in a tent yeah, and a homeless, you know, encampment downtown biddeford, and now making the statement that if it wasn't for the fellow people in tent city, I would have basically killed myself right and she was making these um statements of suicide your entire life yeah, essentially right.
Speaker 1:Yep, if Dan ever leaves me, I'm going to commit suicide and I just want to be with my dad, who died in 2004.
Speaker 2:I've had multiple conversations with your dad when I was trying to help him out of his scenario and him saying if I leave, she's going to kill herself. I don't want that on me, and often people will say that to hold people in place you know, and she did.
Speaker 2:So it's to the point where she's unrecognizable. These camps get closed down and then I know we're kind of fast forwarding around here, but but now she's living in the parking lot of our local walmart and a rundown camper basically for yeah, that looks like a meth lab, exactly yeah, and I ended up mounted up all outside of it, propane tanks all outside of it like it's it's.
Speaker 2:I don't know how the city lets these things happen, but there's a few of them over there and it's basically just a drug addict paradise trailer park over there.
Speaker 1:I had run into her in Walmart and the only reason why I recognized that it was her was because of the rings on her hand. Wow.
Speaker 1:Because the rings on her hand have been on her hand forever and um, and they were like, there was like a mother's ring, there was a ring from my grandmother there I knew those rings, yeah. And she was holding onto the cart in the clearance rack and I looked over I didn't recognize her at all, but I recognized the rings and I made a comment along something along the lines of don't you just love this section? Or something of that nature, like it was just like trying to make conversation, because at this point I hadn't talked to her in over a year. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Hadn't talked to her and I never should have said anything, because the next form of communication was she found me on Facebook and she said I ran through the store the entire time looking for you because I didn't recognize it was you. You're a manipulator, you're a narcissist, you are a liar. I haven't changed one bit. The only person that has changed in this situation is you. You knew it was me. The look on your face that I actually said something to you looked like you had seen a ghost. You knew it was me. You lied to my messenger saying that you looked for me in the store. You snubbed me when I said don't you just like this section? You didn't even say anything to me. You looked at me like you saw a ghost and looked back to the section that you were looking at and didn't say boo. And I took that and I said, okay, you've done enough, and I walked away.
Speaker 2:There was another altercation that happened at Walmart sometime after that.
Speaker 1:Where she was, was she yelling and freaking out at you and um yeah, she was living in an RV and I was at the Walmart to go and I didn't even know that she was living like I had heard that she was living in an rv, but here I'm not looking for an rv, like, not an rv, excuse me, a u-haul.
Speaker 5:I'm not a u-haul I'm not looking for a u-haul truck, folks. Yes she's.
Speaker 1:She rented the u-haul because she got kicked out of the oh, this was right after the apartment. This because I ran into her when she was in the apartment and then she had gotten all of her stuff out of the apartment and moved into this rv and like, basically stole it yeah like stole the u-haul and like it was like called in stolen, like.
Speaker 1:But in this amount of time, I'm picking up my walmart to go order and she parks directly in front of my car, gets out and just starts losing it on me, like, first of all didn't recognize her again, because this is like a little bit of time in between, probably like a couple of months still don't recognize you. And all of a sudden she's just like like I'm like sitting on my phone waiting for my order, you know what I mean. And all of a sudden's just like like I'm like sitting on my phone waiting for my order, you know what I mean. And all of a sudden there's someone at my window like bang, bang, bang, you fucking piece of shit. Like just I don't even remember what the conversation like, I can't even like recall, but she was so mad at me yeah and all I said was I didn't said was I didn't put you here.
Speaker 1:I didn't put you. You know I lost everything and that's my fault.
Speaker 2:Right, of course.
Speaker 1:I didn't put the drugs in your arm. I didn't tell you to take the drugs. Right, You're an addict. Check yourself in. And she said why? Because that would make you feel better. I said, no, because you need the help. You're mentally not okay. She says well, I don't even have any money to drive this U-Haul anywhere. Great, so use that last little bit of gas and park that U-Haul in the hospital parking lot, Walk in the emergency room and check yourself in. Is what I said to her. And she said I'm not doing that. That's all you guys want. Yeah, we want you to get help. Right.
Speaker 1:That's what we want. She stormed off, and then I didn't, and then that's when we had saw the news article on the yeah so after the the news thing there's, you know again, you try to make some distance there.
Speaker 2:But then not too long ago another situation arises where she's living in this rundown rv camper scenario and the walmart parking lot yeah and uh, you decide to try to do something nice yeah, I had seen try to try to like. You've distanced yourself and you're doing what's right, but you're trying to extend the olive branch to try to help because you realize she needs something, like she's in an abusive relationship now with a piece of shit
Speaker 2:addict you know, and he's abusing her and you know this. There's times where she goes missing, like there's all this crazy stuff so you know baby, kind of speak to that for everybody as to like this is like the last big attempt at trying to help.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I had seen that she made a post out on social media that she was looking for warm clothes and she was looking for blankets and that sort of thing. So I'm like in conversation with her like just, and the conversations they're light but they're not anything like we've ever had before. So it's weird to me like she's being nice and, of course, like here I am like naive, holding on to the glimmer of hope.
Speaker 2:This could be it. This could be it.
Speaker 1:This could be it. I don't know what she's doing. I haven't talked to her, but she's talking to me in ways she's never talked to me before in my life.
Speaker 2:For anybody out there listening that doesn't also know at this point, she's a grandmother Of two, Two grandkids. She's seen Zach's baby, right, but she's never seen our little girl I don't believe right. No, or I don't know if she hasn't met her. So there's a glimmer of hope there and Dan's involved and then maybe she sees that, maybe she sees the light Correct. Dan's straightened himself out. He's involved. Maybe this is my opportunity. I can meet. I, he's involved. Maybe this is my opportunity, I can meet.
Speaker 1:I'm a grandmother. I'm a grandmother.
Speaker 2:Maybe that's the glimmer of hope and you're hoping that. Maybe this is what we need to see her take a step.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I'm having conversations, light conversations, with her. I'm not getting into her details, I'm not getting into where you're living, I'm not so much so also.
Speaker 2:I don't know anything about this. Yeah, what you're? I'm not so much so also I don't know anything about this. Yeah, because you don't want to let me know like it's more or less, because I didn't want to get anybody's hopes up about yeah correct.
Speaker 1:So here I am just erring on the side of caution, having these like two arms length conversations away, like she's, you know, trying to be manipulative in some of the conversations, but not like you're the problem, this, that. And manipulative in some of the conversations, but not like you're the problem this, that. And the third Like some of the conversations are just light and I'm like, okay, well, have a great day, like good luck, see you later, what have you? Like? I'm not asking you where you are, what you're up to, I don't want to know. I don't want to know. And so this goes on for a little while. And then all of a sudden, and this is the dead of winter, right, let's just put that. This is like this last winter we just had and I see her make a post on social media that she's cold. I know she's homeless. I've seen the news article. I don't know where you're living, I don't know what you're doing, but you make a post that you're cold and you're looking for warm clothes and blankets.
Speaker 1:I make a post on a community page that I'm a part of and I'm like I'm looking for warm clothes and blankets for a family in need. It's all I put. I don't put anything, nobody's name. I even post my thing anonymous so nobody knows that it's me. And I have like four or five beautiful women reach out to me that are like I have blankets, I have coats, I have mittens, I have hats. I go and collect all these things and I message her when are you? I have some blankets and I have jackets and all kinds of things. She tells me I'm staying in the camper in Walmart and I'm not there. Right now I'm at Seeds of Hope getting a warm meal, which there's a local warming station in Biddeford and you can go there and they feed you three meals a day for complete free. And so she said she's there. She said just open the door and set my stuff in there. This is just before Christmas.
Speaker 1:Well, christmas comes and goes and I've been having everyday conversations with her, light conversations. Christmas goes by no message, no message, no message. A week goes by nothing, no message. Hey, did you get the blankets? Hey, did you get the jackets? Nothing, no response. No, red, no, nothing. And I'm like okay, so then I bring it up to you. So listen, hey, this is what's happening, this is what's going on. I have been talking to her. I'm concerned that she might be dead somewhere. That's the conversation that I have with you. I'm really worried. I know, based on the conversation that she's had with me, that she's not in a very good relationship. She has been seen with a few shiners.
Speaker 2:Family members have reported you. They've seen her on the bus with a black eye or whatever.
Speaker 1:I haven't seen any of it yet. But at this point I'm like, I'm concerned. So I start looking around, I start calling the jail, I start calling the hospital, I start calling people around, I don't know. I know that there is this gentleman that works at the local bus station, that gives them bus tickets so that they can go back and forth to seeds of hope. I reach out to him and he this is like a week or so after christmas, and so at this point it's two weeks after I've dropped everything off and I haven't heard anything and this gentleman tells me she is alive after he looks for her correct because the first time you call him and he's like I haven't seen him, haven't seen him, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1:So he calls me back a couple of days later and was like I found them, they are, she's alive. And I said is she okay? And he responded with she has a black eye. Yeah, um, and then a few days later he sees them, tells them hey, listen, your, your daughter's trying to reach you. You gotta reach out to her. Um and uh.
Speaker 1:So I get another facebook message. I don't know how, I don't know how, but what she says to me is that my phone was stolen. My phone was stolen and that's why I haven't been able to talk to you. But once I start getting into the conversation with her, she doesn't remember her lies because she's high. Then she tells me that her phone was broken and the truth starts coming out. I tell her I know you have a shiner, I know you have a shiner, someone's told me and they've seen you. And she tells me that she tripped over a shoe getting out of the bed and hit her eye on the corner. Like, I know these lies. You did this when I was younger. You fell down the stairs, you bumped your head. I was younger, you fell down the stairs, you bumped your head. I know these. It's unfortunate, because here's just another round of you being manipulated as you've manipulated us. So right around the time that she finally starts to message me back, she sends me a message. A couple of days had gone by and then, january 6th, she sent me a message and said I'm done, I can't do this anymore. I love you, go, be happy.
Speaker 1:So these conversations happen all the time. She's dramatic and talks like this and I literally just said to her not very nice, because I reread the message enough with the drama what are you talking about? Because if you're just telling me that you're cutting me out of your life again, okay, but the way that I'm reading into this message, you're making it sound like you're about to just end your life. Not only did I receive that message, but three other people received that message. My Aunt Janine received that same message.
Speaker 1:She calls me immediately and says have you heard from Angel? Do you know what's going on? She just sent me a message and this is what she said. And I said she sent me the same message. I can't make sense of it.
Speaker 1:She said do you know where she is? I said I do know where she is. I'm getting off of work here in about 20 minutes and I'll head over there. She says well, I'm sure the police will meet you there. And I said what are you talking about? And she said I called the police because I'm worried and I want her to do a welfare check. And the last known place that I knew she was was Walmart parking lot. Last known place that I knew she was was Walmart parking lot and that's where I sent them. And I said well, that's where she is. And so what I had done was I had left work and drove right over to the Walmart. When I got there there was two officers there and she had barricaded herself in the camper and was refusing to come out. But the only one that was out there was her deadbeat boyfriend, who was fucked up. I I can tell you that his drug of choice was cocaine and and meth, and I can put money on the fact that he had her addicted to the same thing yeah.
Speaker 1:So he's stumbling all over himself, he's yelling and swearing at the officer. He's so belligerent that he doesn't even realize that I have pulled up directly next to them. I blow my door open and I said Dustin, this shit isn't about you. He turned his head around so quick and I tell you what, if the officer wasn't there, I would have dropped him like a bad fucking habit. The amount of anger that I had based on the stupidity, the amount of anger that I had in general. And he got in my face and said who the fuck are you? And I looked at him and I said this isn't about you. This is about her in that camper who's about to commit suicide and you're not going to stand in the way. Who the fuck do you think you are? Well, I said to him I'm about the one, I'm about the only one that's about to lay you on your fucking ass if you don't get out of my face. And the officer was like whoa, whoa. And I was like this isn't about you. And he one of the officers took me aside and he's talking to Dustin and he says so, who, trying to get to know like, who am I? Why am I there? And I'm explaining to him. This is the message that I got. And he said perfect, this is the message. This is why we're here. And I said so what now? I know she has an active warrant. She's not supposed to be here in this parking lot. Are you going to arrest her, or are we going to do the right thing and bring her to the hospital to be admitted for a psych evaluation Because she wants to commit suicide? She's high, clearly he is. Look at him. He's all over the place.
Speaker 1:And the officer looked at me and said at this moment in time, I can't do anything. I said what do you mean you can't do anything? I said what do you mean you can't do anything? I have the messages on my phone and he says well, let me read the message. He reads the message and he says you and I know what that means.
Speaker 1:She didn't come out and say that she's going to commit suicide. That could mean that could that could be scripted. It could be like I just want you out of my life and I said so. Now what? You guys are just going to walk away and leave her in there and let, and I said so. Now what? You guys are just going to walk away and leave her in there and let. He says I don't know if she's in there. And I said, oh, she's in there, she's in there, I know she's in there. And he was like, if I can get permission, that she's in there. Meanwhile I'm having a conversation with the officers. Dustin goes back in the camper trying to talk her off the ledge to come outside. Goes back in the camper trying to talk her off the ledge to come outside. This motherfucker walks outside, closes the door and says she's not coming out. I looked at the officer and I go there, you go. That dumb ass just gave it away seriously I was like you can go in.
Speaker 1:Now he's like, yeah, you're right, I can, but I'm not going to. What do you mean you're not going to? What are we waiting on? Are we waiting for her to just blow her brains out? And we hear it outside, like what are you doing here, I am boiling. You just got confirmation, she's in there. You just got confirmation that she wants to commit suicide and you're just standing here. You have an active warrant. You know she's in there. You have every right to go in there.
Speaker 2:She's trespassing. She was arrested at walmart. She's not supposed to be at walmart, correct?
Speaker 1:so finally, dustin goes inside and gets her to come out. The officer says to her I'm not arresting you, I don't care about your, your petty warrant, because I know that if you get arrested, cuffed and stuffed today, they're going to release you tomorrow. So I don't really care about that. What I care about is you getting help and going to the hospital. That's what I want. I want you to get to the hospital and get evaluated. So she comes blowing out the door and she sees I'm there. All hell broke loose. Fuck, you, get out of here, you piece of shit. You did this to me. You abandoned me. You cut ties. You won't let me see my grandkids. Me, me, me, me, me, me. You're the victim, you're the victim, you're the victim.
Speaker 1:Narcissistic behavior every fucking time. And here it is. I had a glimmer of hope. I thought you were doing the right thing. You were having great conversations with me. I thought you, based on the conversations we had, I thought there might've been a chance that you might've actually listened to me to go to rehab. I thought there might've been a chance and nope, you pushed me away and told me how you really felt. This is my fault. This is my fault that you are an addict because my brother and I disowned you, because we pushed you away to keep our hearts and family safe. It's our fault that you're in this camper in the Walmart parking lot doing meth and cocaine and drinking every day. That's my fault.
Speaker 2:That's mind-blowing that the city, that law enforcement can't do anything about this, because this is one of many when it comes to these stories, these, these encampments, these, you know, transients living in campers and stuff and parking lots. This stuff is happening all over the country and they could put a stop to some of that shit, but they just don't.
Speaker 1:They just don't yeah so, um, I said to the officer I'm I'm not trying to make the situation worse. I only stopped by here to make sure that she got the help that she needed. I'm genuinely concerned. I didn't even call you. I'm not the one that called you. I just want to know that she's going to get the help that she needs, and I don't think that me being here is going to make anything better. It's only going to provoke her.
Speaker 1:And so I got in my car and I left. The detective took my information and said I'll circle back with you and let you know what's going on. And so I drove around the parking lot and I drove far enough away that I could still see what was going on. But I couldn't. She couldn't see me and I watched her throw a fit piss and moan cuss. What have you?
Speaker 1:The officer said before I drove away Angel, I'm not arresting you, I'm going to just be your taxi service to the hospital. We're going to walk in, you're going to go in, be admitted, get help you need and you can leave. You can leave, but I'm not going to arrest you on some petty warrant. I'm not going to do it. And I thanked him for that. I said because as much as I would love for her to get away from Dustin, maybe withdraw a little bit in a jail cell, maybe that was going to be enough to snap her out of it. I knew that what she really needed was help, and throwing her in a jail cell may not have helped her, but maybe it would have. I don't really know.
Speaker 1:So I get a phone call later on that day from the crisis worker at the hospital and he's explaining to me what is happening. And I'm going to tell you what. I was not nice to this man Because the shit that he is telling me. I'm baffled, baffled by what this crisis worker is telling me. He's telling me that she's going to get out because she's a manipulator. She's going to tell me anything and everything I want to hear and she doesn't need a psych evaluation.
Speaker 1:I said as a crisis worker, you should be able to see through her bullshit and realize that she needs help. She just threatened to commit suicide. I was like I want her blue papered. And if you don't know what blue papered is, blue papered means that law enforcement or family members can call the hospital that they're in or law enforcement can put the blue papered on. I don't know if it's anywhere else called blue papered, here it is. And basically what that means is that the person needs a psych evaluation, needs to be further evaluated and then go before a judge. The judge then makes the decision on whether or not that person is sane enough to return to society right or needs further evaluation, needs further treatment, needs to be admitted to a psych ward, needs a rehab, needs something. And he basically just laughed it off, basically did not take me seriously. And I said to him she's an addict, she is homeless and she's trying to commit suicide. I'm begging you to please blue paper her for her own, for her own good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this could be her last opportunity.
Speaker 1:This is her last chance.
Speaker 1:And he said I'll see what I can do and I'll call you back. Just like that he didn't call me back. So instead I called the hospital myself, because I work for this hospital, I know the process, I know what it takes and I know what to do. I called the emergency department and I said listen, I don't want you to talk to me about the situation. I'm not on her record. I'm her daughter. I'm her daughter. I'm genuinely concerned. This is why she's here.
Speaker 1:She was brought to you by the police because she made comments about wanting to commit suicide and I want her blue papered. Please, for the love of God, I'm begging you to please blue paper her. The nurse took me seriously and she said okay, I hear you. I don't understand why that wasn't done yesterday. And I told her that I talked to the crisis team and he laughed at me like I was some sort of joke, that I didn't know what I was talking about. But the moment that I told him that I worked for the company, he changed his tune and said let me see what I can do. So at that moment that nurse took me seriously and she was taken from a standard room in the emergency room to a cell behind closed, locked closed doors in the emergency room. Where she is in there with paper, johnny, that she cannot hurt herself. She can't talk to anybody on the phone, can't do anything. She is in a cell by herself.
Speaker 1:And I called the lady back and I asked her. I said can you tell me what this was? The next day, I said can you tell me what's going on? And she said she's blue papered. The sigh of relief that I got at that moment it it's like okay, this might be it. I know that blue papering means that she's going to be in there for three to four days and then she'll go before a judge. Even if she has the ability to manipulate the staff, she's not going to be able to manipulate a judge. Right, the judge is going to see through her bullshit and they're going to say no, this lady needs help. And I, that night, I I prayed and I prayed and I said please, please, let her get the help that she needs, because I want her to get clean and sober. And I knew that this might just be the glimpse of hope that I've been holding on to, that. This might be it that I've been holding on to, that. This might be it.
Speaker 1:A couple days went by. I called back, talked to the same lady and she said to me I'm sorry. I said what do you mean? You're sorry? Wait a minute, hold on. What do you mean? Mean you're sorry? Wait a minute, hold on. What do you mean? Not you're sorry? She said they discharged her, she manipulated the system, she pissed and moaned and explained to them that she was fine and this was all Mine and my brother's fault and that she was fine. She just needed to distance herself from us. Once again she puts it on us that we're the problem. And I said to the lady I said what do you mean? She just came to you because she was going to commit suicide and you just let her out. She's blue paper. I know what that means. I work for the hospital. Did she go before a judge? She said no. She said I held strong on it. I heard what you had to say and I took that to the psych provider and let them know that you guys are genuinely concerned.
Speaker 1:And she manipulated the system and they let her out and then from that moment on, probably till recently, I didn't know where she was. She had blocked us on all social media because she said this was our fault. She knew that my aunt janine had called the police because my aunt janine tried to call her, and at the hospital and they told her that my Aunt Janine was on the phone and she said some very hurtful things Not on the phone, but my aunt could hear every single thing that she was saying and she knew that I was there when the police got there. So again, she thinks this was me. She thinks I did this all by myself and that's fine, I have broad shoulders. But I knew that I was doing what was right and I was trying to get her the help that she needed and the help that she deserved.
Speaker 1:So just a couple of weeks ago I had run into her again and I was coming home from work and she was walking across the street, looking like hell. Looking across the street, looking like hell Bleach, blonde hair, like she had just dyed it in the sink with a bottle of bleach, straight skin and bones, like a true addict. I drove past her but something inside of me told me to turn around, and I did, and I pulled up beside her. And I did, and I pulled up beside her and I didn't know if she was dead or alive. And she said to me we're hiding, we don't need you, we don't want you to know where we're at. The only thing that I'm worried about right now is my fiance laying up in a hospital bed on life support. And I said that's the only thing you're worried about. And she says yes, you guys want to keep my grandkids from me. That's fine, I don't need you.
Speaker 1:Once again, this whole situation right back on me, right, and here I am, turning around because something in my heart said turning around, because something in my heart said don't drive by, don't drive by, turn around. And all I remember is her just saying you want to keep my grandkids from me. Fuck you, fuck you. I said you will never, ever see my daughter or be a part of her life Ever. If you're going to be high, if you're going to choose addiction over us, I will never let you be a part of her life. I will never let you hurt her like you hurt me. And she walked away and said Fuck you, allison, fuck you. And I drove away. It's been months.
Speaker 1:I didn't know whether she was alive or not. I happened to run into her because I was coming home, coming home from work, and she was crossing right in front of me. Would I have stayed at work a couple minutes longer? Would I have seen her? No. Would I have put myself work a couple minutes longer? Would I have seen her? No. Would I have put myself in this situation? No. But I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Addiction's hard, and it's hard on the family more than it's on the person doing the drugs, because they don't feel it. Everything they're doing is masked. They don't feel no pain, everything is perfect in their world.
Speaker 2:Everything revolves around the next fix. That's all that matters.
Speaker 1:When am I going to get high? Where am I going to get it?
Speaker 2:I think that fate puts you on that road so that when am I going to get high? Where am I going to get it? And I think that, as much as it hurts, that conversation I think should just heal things for you, knowing that you did all you could do, she made every decision she wanted to make and when it comes right down to it, you should be very proud of the fact that you stood up for your daughter and you protected her, because you know what you've been through and what she would have to go through yeah it's been a fear for us as to what life would be like for her.
Speaker 2:If you know, she was involved in her life, like knowing that she was living in the parking lot at walmart. I always questioned when I would go to the store, like what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act on your behalf if she tries to come over to right, you know, to talk to the baby, and stuff like that. I think that that you as much it sucks. You needed to have that conversation to realize that nothing's changed, nothing's going to change, the priorities are still the same, and realize that you've done everything you possibly could do. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I know that for quite some time you have been preparing for what you feel was inevitable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've constantly found myself preparing to receive a phone call that she's overdosed, knowing how deep she is in her addiction and how bad her fiancé that came up just days ago, how that, how bad his addiction was, that fed to her Right. Um, because, to be completely honest with you, I don't think it would have been as bad if she wouldn't have gotten tied up with him.
Speaker 2:I'm sure.
Speaker 1:Sure, she had her own demons and she I think he escalated what the level of drugs were. That she could get access to. Yeah, because his level of drugs were higher than what she was ever doing.
Speaker 2:As far as we know, he's on life support in a hospital today.
Speaker 1:He has been on life support for the last month due to drugs, alcohol and seizures, and I know that to be certain, and so I had to have a conversation with my brother about this situation.
Speaker 2:You had multiple family members Come to you and tell you this is the situation, because they find Angel on a bus, correct, run into her at the store.
Speaker 1:And that's the reason why I had run into her Leaving my work, because I work near the hospital.
Speaker 2:So it's confirmed by everybody around, correct, this is a scenario.
Speaker 1:Absolutely yeah. So it is confirmed that he is still on life support. And so I had a conversation with my brother just this past weekend. He reached out to me and said hey, have you heard from Angel? Do you know what's going on? And I said I don't have much information. I don't know where she is. I know she was staying somewhere in Old Orchard Beach, but I don't know where and her boyfriend, fiance, is on life support. That's all I know. And he said, okay, we left it at that.
Speaker 1:The next day I had. He said, okay, we left it at that. The next day he had called me again and we had had a conversation again. And I said I want to be very transparent with you and I want to be very brutally honest. This is not going to be an easy conversation or not. A conversation I want to have with you, but I want you to be prepared. The fact that if something happens to Dustin, I truly believe that she's going to overdose and take her own life. He didn't seem to think that that was going to happen, and good for him.
Speaker 2:I know I was also of the thinking of your brother that I was hopeful, that and I'm not hoping for someone's demise, I'm not like hoping that Dustin were to die, no, of course not. My thought was much like your brother and I'm not speaking for him. But my thought and I said to you is, hey, if Dustin actually doesn't make it, maybe this scares her straight, like maybe this is what it takes for her to realize like, wow, he was, just we were doing the same shit and now he's not here and it scared her straight. I was of that mindset and so I'm assuming your brother was thinking much like I was, that maybe this would scare her straight.
Speaker 2:But your intuition was different because you felt completely different, based off of the interactions and as well as you know her 100%, 100%.
Speaker 1:I hoped that was going to be the case. However, I'm a realist and I've been hurt too many times and I have heard the threats of her wanting to commit suicide so many times, and I'm just looking at the big picture here. She has lost everything. She claims that her children have walked away from her and abandoned her, not looking at the big picture of what she did to us.
Speaker 2:Right? Of course not.
Speaker 1:And now we're keeping her grandkids from her and her fiance is on life support. Here's the facts. Okay, I'm not trying to sugarcoat things at this point. I'm being a realist and I'm like listen, take this information how you want and how you want to dissect it, flip it. I'm being a realist and I'm like listen, take this information how you want and how you want to dissect it, flip it, I don't care. I want you to know. This is my thought process on this. I hope and I pray that I'm wrong. I hope and I pray that I'm wrong, but this is my thought process and I think you and I need to have this conversation and we had that conversation. You and I need to have this conversation and we had that conversation. He was looking at the situation one way and I was looking at it a different way, and neither one of us are wrong for thinking either way. No, of course not. We both have different relationships with her and that's why it's okay for both of us to feel this way. So the weekend passes, we have, you know, easter. Things are great. Don't hear from anybody.
Speaker 1:I go to work on Monday and I'm sitting in my office and my watch is dinging like bing, bing, bing. I'm like what is that? I'm looking around my office like what is that noise? My phone goes on work mode when I immediately get to work, oh yeah. And so the only people that can actually contact me are people that are in my favorites and you can contact me if I'm on Do Not Disturb. But at the very bottom it'll say notify me anyway. And I kept getting bing, bing, bing. Like what is this? So I pick up my phone and I unlock it. I have six missed calls, ton of text messages. Call me, it's an emergency. Call me from a friend. We talk here and there, nothing not on the daily. But then I get a phone call from somebody that I don't even talk to, I don't even ride with. We are on totally opposite spectrums of the world, like I'd love to just punch you in the mouth. Let's just be frank. Okay, I get a phone call from someone else that explains to me well, let me back up. So I get a phone call from a friend that breaks some news to me, following by another person that I don't ride with, explaining the same information. So the phone call went a little something like this this hey, I just wanted to let you know. Unfortunately, angel was found this morning in a motel room. She took her own life by overdosing. She took her own life by overdosing.
Speaker 1:The phone call that I dreaded, this entire process prepared myself for, but I guess I wasn't ready for. But I guess I wasn't ready for. And at that moment I said wait what she said. I'm so sorry. I know you don't have the best relationship with her, but the motel, they have just gotten in contact with this person that I can't stand and they're looking for your contact information. That's what this my friend had told me and I said okay, I have to call my brother.
Speaker 1:No, sooner did I hang up with my friend, did this girl call me? And with no respect did she say to me so did you hear? Did she say to me so did you hear? And I said who is this? I knew who it was and she said this is so-and-so and I said yeah, I heard. She says all right, just wants to make sure you knew. I said do you want to tell me why you are there and why you're the one telling me, hangs up the phone on me, doesn't want to tell me anything? I just want to paint a little picture here for you this girl that I do not ride with. I do not, can't stand. The girl has been going around town for years talking shit about Angel. Does not like her, does not, can't stand her Knows I can't stand this girl and I want to know why she's the one calling me to tell me that Angel has taken her own life. I don't have the answers.
Speaker 1:Immediately after I got off that phone call office with my door closed, pissed, and all I kept saying was fuck you. Fuck you for doing this to me, fuck you for hurting me one last time, because if you could have stood in front of me and done it, you would have said that to me. You would have said fuck you. That's what you would have done, because that's what you did to my face. You told me just that and this, right here you taking your own life and forcing my brother and I to pick up the pieces, is a fuck you to me. One last time. You did it. I hope that's what you wanted. I hope that's what you wanted. I hope and I pray that you didn't feel it. I hope it was quick and you didn't suffer, and I hope, now that you're not in any pain. You can join your dad right where you want to be and you're not fighting these demons anymore. Meanwhile, I'll be here to pick up the pieces and stand beside my brother, as I have this entire time of my life protecting him once again, because you couldn't do it, here I am, I got this, I've had this all along and I'll continue to be his rock.
Speaker 1:This is not easy. I've constantly found myself saying that it would be that getting the phone call, knowing that she was, that she had passed, would be easier, because I wouldn't be wondering and I wouldn't be hurting, scared on where she is, what she's up to if she's hurt. What I didn't realize is all of the anger and all of the hurt that surfaced during this process, hurt that surface during this process, all of this anger that I have just bottled up inside and put away, because I have a life to live and I refuse to let her live rent-free in my head anymore. I refuse to let her take control and manipulate me and my life. This has definitely been. A lot of emotions have come up. The hardest one to understand is that I'm not sad. I'm not sad that she's gone, for the reasonings that I said just a couple moments ago. She's not hurting. She wanted this. She wanted to be with her dad. She's been fighting these demons in her head for years. She just didn't know how to go out. This was her way of closing the chapter on her life Closing the book, I should say Not even a chapter.
Speaker 1:I have a hard time looking at overdoses and not categorizing them as suicide. To me, my mother committed suicide. Mother Committed suicide. She knew what she was doing. I truly believe this was premeditated and if this was her time to go and this is what she wanted, then so be it. But I have a hard time not looking at overdoses as suicide, and that's my way of looking at it. I'm not asking anyone else to look at this situation in that way, shape or form, but I can't justify what she did as an accident. This was her choice.
Speaker 2:I agree completely with you. I think that we often read or hear about overdoses and they don't get classified as suicide or you don't look at it as a suicide because maybe it was somebody that was like a casual drug user and they got into something that was, you know, more than they can handle. But I'm not making an excuse and I'm not justifying or defending a drug user. I'm not doing that. But I'm just saying sometimes people might be casual and they get something that's laced or something. That's not what the situation is.
Speaker 2:This is essentially a lifelong drug user. The majority of her life was as a drug user who has threatened suicide multiple times. This was the easiest way out, because I think that my assumption would be that she planned it. Much like you're saying that I'm just going to get so high that I don't have to return, and I think that there's probably been times where she's done this before, but just was surprised that she made it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, why am I still here? Why am I still here?
Speaker 2:I think that suicide is the most cowardly thing that anybody can do, because maybe it ends your story when you feel like your story should end, but you rob everybody else of your true story. You leave everybody behind to pick up the pieces to deal with it and ultimately you came into this earth. The Lord gave you a gift and you were here to share your gift, and if you end that story too soon, then you snuffed out your gift and your opportunity to make an impact on this world, and I just think that suicide is incredibly selfish.
Speaker 2:I went to one funeral in my life where my cousin committed suicide and I remember mourning until I got there and then, when I got there, I had this overwhelming sense of anger.
Speaker 2:Like my whole body got hot, my face got hot and I was just pissed and I was like, why are we here celebrating you? You did this like you caused this, like this was you, this this was you, this was your decision. You said screw you to the rest of us. And I have a hard time celebrating suicide and I have a hard time not looking at overdoses as suicide, especially when you're a lifelong drug user that knows what the hell you're doing. So I agree with you completely and I know that today's show has been a long, difficult show, but we share this and you've been bold enough and transparent enough to share this.
Speaker 1:You've been bold enough and transparent enough to share this, hoping that if Angel wasn't able to finish her story, if she ended her book too soon and she did not get to fulfill or live her purpose, that maybe you, having the courage to speak her story into existence, that maybe her legacy could be that her story saved somebody else. I can only hope, and I can only hope that if you're in a situation where, similar to what I was in, where you're constantly being manipulated, I beg you to please be strong. I beg you to please be strong. It's okay to set boundaries and it's okay to walk away and let them deal with the demons, but it's more important for you to protect yourself and protect your heart, because if you can't protect yourself, you can't protect anybody else and they're not going to protect you.
Speaker 2:There's a great lesson here in the fact that you getting out of this situation, you have built a tremendous life for yourself when you could have been most likely would have been a part of the statistic most likely would have been a part of the statistic, had you stayed in this situation, you very likely could have had a whole different story.
Speaker 2:You having the strength to remove yourself from this situation and do what you did, you rewarded yourself with an amazing life and a family of your own. I truly believe you removing yourself and being the adult and doing these things also inspired your father to do the same thing, and he's living a different life and he's fulfilling a different purpose.
Speaker 1:I honestly believe that my strength rubbed off on my brother, that my strength rubbed off on my brother. I think that he has done an amazing job at forming a life for himself, but he was also manipulated. And he also could be, could have been another statistic as well.
Speaker 2:It takes one person to be strong enough to make the decision, to make the commitment, to take the plunge, to be the difference. I truly feel like you were the catalyst for your family in making change. I want you to know, as I look you in the eyes, and tell you that I'm proud of you not only for sharing your story. I'm proud of you for being the catalyst, for being the change. I wholeheartedly believe that if you weren't the one to make the change, I don't know what the story is for the entire family. You have a different story, I feel. Your father has a different story and your brother has a different story. They all write their own chapters, they all put in their own work, but you were the one that started the positive movement. You need to be thankful and grateful and count your blessings that you had a positive effect that could have potentially saved two of them. You can't look back at Angel and her decisions and hold an ounce of responsibility, because there's proof in the pudding that everybody chooses their own actions and write their own destiny. By you being bold enough and strong enough to step out and do what you did, we can hope and think and inspire others, and sharing your story today can hopefully inspire somebody that if you're listening and you're in one of these situations, if you're holding on to a relationship, if you're holding on to a friendship because you feel like if you leave, someone's going to hurt themselves, that's no way to live your life. It's going to take your life and ultimately, they're not going to change their own life. Ultimately, they're not going to change their own life.
Speaker 2:If someone makes the decision to end their life, regardless of what you do and say, it ain't going to make the difference. You can do all these things. You might prolong some things, but true change comes from within. If you're not willing to change, you are not going to change. If you stick around praying and hoping and begging someone to change, eventually you're going to be the one that changes, but for the wrong reason. You're going to change for change. Eventually you're going to be the one that changes, but for the wrong reason. You're going to change for the worse, because you're not prioritizing yourself. Be the change, be the light. Get yourself out of the situation and hopefully you can inspire somebody else. You have the opportunity to be the mother that you always prayed you would have.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I truly think, when we sprinkle time and distance on something and we look back at something as much as we thought we were going to have a little boy, we had the beautiful little girl that we needed, and I think that this shows you even more that this is part of fulfilling your mission, your life's purpose. This completes the circle, this makes your life whole. By doing what's right, by righting the wrongs with your own daughter, what's right, by righting the wrongs with your own daughter and, ultimately, whatever the relationship is that you have had with Angel, you can right those wrongs and change the statistics right now, and by sharing what you did, maybe her story can change somebody else's and maybe this episode can be a catalyst for change for someone else, for some other family, and that's the reason why you sat here and bared your soul today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I want to be the strength that maybe somebody doesn't have, because I was 12 years old and had to find the strength on my own because no one would listen to me. Something deep down inside said this is not okay. Be strong and move forward. And I want that strength to come through this episode and be that strength that you need to move forward and make the change.
Speaker 2:That's all I can do. Yeah, if you're somebody out there that's struggling with addiction, maybe this story, the pain and the heartache, could be something that motivates you to make a change, to make a difference. There's strength in this story today that can show you that you can recover. There's strength in here about somebody changing their life and recovering. There's strength in here about people removing themselves from a situation and getting better, and there's also the fear and reality of remaining in a situation and what your final outcome could be. If we don't encourage you to change with positivity, then hopefully we can motivate you with fear and reality. There's a better way to live and we're all here to listen. If someone's struggling, reach out.
Speaker 2:We're always here to help and If someone's struggling, reach out. We're always here to help and to talk and to figure things out. There's plenty of resources out there, but if we could be a resource for anybody, then either one of us absolutely would be and would be more than happy to try to be a support system for someone looking to change Absolutely.
Speaker 1:It's always important to have that support system. Whether you are addicted or whether you are the family of someone who's addicted, make sure that your support group is very strong and has your back. And it doesn't have to be family. It can be friend, it can be a teacher, it can be a coworker, it can be. It doesn't matter. Just make sure that you have a support system and you're taking care of yourself before you take care of anybody else.
Speaker 2:That's important there's another lesson in here today that I'm realizing, and that is that if other people are pushing for you to get help, they're gonna be met with resistance. The system will fail them, law enforcement will fail them, the health care system will fail them. But if you are bold enough and strong enough to ask for help yourself and demand help, you will get help you will get help. You will get help.
Speaker 2:Yep, well, I know that we've gone way longer than we've expected, we've said way more than we planned, but, like we said to each other and we turned the microphone on is, we'll just see where this takes you and you get everything off your chest and hopefully that, by bearing your soul, you feel better and it helps someone. And I just got to say to you, much like I did to start the show I'm incredibly proud of you for having the strength, the courage to share your story and to let it live on forever. So I'm proud of you, I love you, and there's a little girl in the next room that is proud of you. I love you. And, um, there's a little girl in the next room that is proud of you and loves you too.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. I appreciate that Now it's time to go to Reiki and heal this shit.
Speaker 2:That's right, I'm going to change, um, the ending of our show a little bit today. Um, as much as I had a difficult relationship with Angel and I can only imagine and fathom the relationship that you had If we try to turn this into a positive, then maybe your story can be a difference, maybe Angel's life can change somebody else's, so maybe, just maybe, that was her American dream.
Speaker 2:Maybe, so thank you for supporting Angel's American Dream. That's it and that's all Biggie Smalls. If you're a loud, proud American and you find yourself just wanting more, find me on YouTube and Facebook at loud, proud American, for the face page, as my mama calls it. If you're a fan of the Graham Cracker, want to find me on Instagram or all the kids by tickety-talking on the TikTok, you can find me on both of those at loud, underscore, proud, underscore, american. A big old thank you to the boys from the Gut Truckers for the background beats and the theme song for this year's podcast. If you are enjoying what you're hearing, you can track down the Gut Truckers for the background beats and the theme song for this year's podcast. If you are enjoying what you're hearing, you can track down the Gut Truckers on Facebook. Just search Gut Truckers. Give them motherfuckers a like too. I truly thank you for supporting my American dream. Now go wash your fucking hands, you filthy savage.