Share The Struggle
Share The Struggle
Grace, Gratitude, And Growing Through Grief
A missing laptop charger, a freezing parking lot, and a crowd of costumed kids shouldn’t add up to a breakthrough—but that’s exactly where the weekend took us. What started as a simple pair of charity DJ gigs turned into a lesson on composure, community, and the kind of closure you don’t plan for but desperately need.
We kick off with a trunk-or-treat at Arundel Ford a local Ford dealership, where a last-minute tech failure forced a full pivot: rapid setup, a sound check on a dying laptop, and the rest of the set run from a phone. Not ideal, but deeply human. That scramble revealed how staying calm under pressure can be learned, and how serving the moment matters more than a perfect playlist. Between spooky hooks and sticky fingers clutching candy buckets, we found the heart of why we do community work: show up, bring joy, be steady.
The tone shifted at the second event, a masquerade fundraiser for Seeds of Hope—a resource center that feeds, warms, clothes, and guides people facing homelessness and addiction. Only moments before unloading gear, we realized the connection: this was the place that cared for my wife’s mother during her hardest days. As the dance floor filled, a quiet nudge grew louder: say thank you. She found the director and shared what so few in that line of work ever hear from family—gratitude. It was a tender exchange, honest about the rough edges of addiction and unwavering about the dignity Seeds of Hope provided. That conversation, paired with a church message on forgiveness the next morning, felt like the final stitch in a long, uneven seam of healing.
If you’ve ever juggled grief, logistics, and the urge to do right by the people who helped when you couldn’t, this story will resonate. We talk about practical resilience, the grace in imperfect performances, and the sacred power of simple words spoken at the right time. Press play, then tell us: where are you being nudged to say thank you or let go? Subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help this message find more ears.
If you found value in today's show please return the favor and leave a positive review and share it with someone important to you! https://www.sharethestrugglepodcast.com/reviews/new/
Find all you need to know about the show https://www.sharethestrugglepodcast.com/
Official Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100077724159859
Join the 2% of Americans that Buy American and support American Together we can bring back American Manufacturing https://www.loudproudamerican.shop/
Loud Proud American Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loudproudamerican
Loud Proud American Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/loud_proud_american/
Loud Proud American TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@loud_proud_american
Loud Proud American YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmYQtOt6KVURuySWYQ2GWtw
Thank you for Supporting My American Dream!
A weekend with back-to-back DJ events proved to be successful in two vastly different ways. While testing composure and creating closure, stick around for these surprising lessons. Let me tell you something. Everybody struggles. The difference is some people choose to go through it and some choose to grow through it. The choice is completely yours. Which one you choose will have a very profound effect on the way you live your life. It's a struggle. Uncomfortable conversation. Uncomfortable conversation. What do you mean? What it do what it hot did do. Almighty. Am I so excited to be back with you? Oh it's true. It is damn true. I miss you, boo. Welcome to this podcast. Properly, precisely, beautifully, perfectly named Share the Struggle because everybody struggles, boys and girls. The truth is, chipmunks and squirrels, if you are willing to share your story and your struggle, whatever it is that you are going through, that you are growing through, then you will inspire others to go and grow through it with you. That's the point, that's the plan, that's the journey at hand. This podcast is properly brought to you by the fine folks over to Loud Proud American, aka myself, my wife, my baby, and my mama. That's me, my mama, my baby mama, my baby, and my mama. You get all that? Great. It's a pretty big company. Grassroots American dream over here. We do all American-made apparel. Our main goal and focus is American manufacturing, bringing back American jobs. So all along this journey to launch our brand, we decided to start this podcast right here, share the struggle. We've been rolling on this for five years. We have not missed a week in 278 consecutive weeks, and we continue to do that and celebrate that because of each and every one of you. So, all of you out there, I appreciate you and I acknowledge you. If you are a day one, get your ones up. I recognize you, I acknowledge you, and I appreciate you. And if this is day one for you, then welcome to this positive vibe and this positive tribe that we are growing. We embrace you and we thank you. Woo! That was a hot little rant right out the gate. Maybe I'm a little hot. Well, a little hot to trot because my kids are yelling at me from the living room. And uh I'm I'm excited because later on on this show I'm gonna be joined by the one and only, the lovely one, my beautiful one, my lovely blessing bride. Yeah, that's my wife. She's gonna be joining me in a little bit here because this weekend was an impromptu back-to-back DJ gig throwdown uh for me and the family here. If you guys don't know me and my story, we started a brand and we travel around doing all types of events, and uh, I like to say anything redneck related is kind of where we fit in, but we also supplement things with um hosting events, mceing events, and DJing events. And over the weekend, I was able to back-to-back a couple of events. It was nice to be able to squeeze them into our schedule, and um they they're different types of events for us because they were all for a good cause with a good reason, and um that's just a nice way of doing things, right? It just kind of warms the heart to be a part of those things, especially when we turn the calendar into November. When you end October, you get into November, you get into the holiday season, the holiday swing of things, things cool down, things slow down, so it's time to be thankful and to and to reflect and count blessings. And this weekend was one of those moments for us because we took a couple of just feel-good events. The first one was I was asked by a rundown Ford to DJ a uh trunk or treat event, which I thought was pretty cool. You're um being a part of something fun, it's with the community, a lot of local businesses get together, take over a local Ford dealership, and um just open up uh trunks and do like the whole um trick-or-treating in a real safe manner, you know, and it gives it a real hometown feel. And I thought it was very cool that they wanted me to be able to um like set it apart, make it different, you know, add some uh some spooky beats and hits to the background. So it was a challenge to find just some kind of cool, spooky type tunes, like your classic Halloween songs, but then rock and roll songs and hip-hop and pop songs that just kind of have like that uh spooky Halloween undertone to them. So that was that was cool. It was a it was a fun challenge. And um the Midors with uh Arundel Ford, the Labbies, um they're they're great to us, they're always hiring us for great things. Like we do their annual Christmas party and all these different things and family events, and actually it's the same family basically that I did the um little girl's birthday party this year. So it's always great to work with them. So they asked us uh to do this, and part of the request was all right, you can have this gig, but um Paisley has to put on a costume and come, and Allie has to has to bring her. It has to be a family affair, and it was really cool because it was her first trick-or-treating experience. So her first experience trick-or-treating, uh, Mima and and mom were walking her around and and dad's DJing, and it was all um really great stuff, and I was excited that I was able to do it. It was on Friday night, Halloween, and uh it was really cold out, actually, rather windy. But I started this show off saying that um I did back-to-back DJ events, and they were both a success. So, spoiler, I'm gonna put that out front, they were both a success. Um, but that I learned vastly different lessons from the two. And um I had also mentioned to you guys that I tested composure and created closure with these two events, and and the reason why my wife's gonna join me in the second segment is um it's really gonna hit home for her. But in the first segment, this really tested my composure and my patience and um my emotions because I prepared, I thought I was um on task for this. I had everything loaded up in the car, I think the night before or the the morning of, like everything was was good to go, loaded up, ready to go. And the last thing was to throw my book bag in with my laptop. And I took a couple hours before just to build a musical like Halloween list. And so I'm sitting down at my mom's kitchen table and and um I'm just kind of going through all these things and figuring out music. And while I was doing that, I said, huh. I don't have my charger for my laptop. And I worked and continued to work, and I said, Well, when I was at Freiburg, I had it with me there. I recorded the podcast from the camper, maybe that's where the stuff is, you know. And then I started walking my steps back on the last couple places I recorded the podcast, but I remember I didn't need to plug my computer in, so I'm like retracing all these steps. So while I'm working on this Halloween list, in the back of my mind, I'm like, you're gonna need, you know, 20 minutes at least to find your uh charger. Like, keep that in mind. I've compiled a list of places that I'm gonna go look, but you need to carve out some time for that. While going through Halloween songs, it was a little more challenging than I expected. And I happen to look at the clock and say, whoa boy, um your clock is ticking here. The uh event starts at four o'clock. I need to be set up by four o'clock. I need to be playing by four o'clock, set up before four o'clock. And uh I realize that you know the clock is ticking here. I'm in that window of you have an hour to get all your stuff together, finish this list, hit the road. Thankfully, the location's not too far from home. But um, I I go home and I start looking in all the spots where I would find my charger, and it's not going well. And I'm beginning to start to get frantic and a little bit manic, and I'm running around the house trying to find things. In the meantime, I'm putting together like, you know, my like Halloween getup, which is not far from my normal duds. Let's be honest, it's what I would wear, anyways. But I was a farmer, cattle farmer, wifey's a cattle farmer, and our baby Paisley is a little moo moo. She loves cows, so she's got a little cow jumpsuit. So I'm grabbing that stuff and I'm scrambling to find um my charger, and it is not happening. And I am going all over God's creation trying to find my charger, and it gets down to the point where I'm well past my window of when I would like to be there and set up, and I still don't have a charger. I'm frantically messaging the wife, asking her if she knows where anything is. She's trying to work, she's actually in a meeting and wondering why I'm bothering her endlessly. And spoiler alert, folks, I couldn't find it. Could not find it. And I said, Well, I've got a couple of options. Uh I have to go buy a new charger because I only have 20% battery on my computer, it's not gonna last this long. So I um have Ali start researching who might carry the uh like a MacBook Air charger, and I man, I already forgot what it's called. It's called like a mag safe plug, it's basically a magnetic charging port, and uh I just am looking everywhere for it. I end up going to Staples, they have the power supply, but not the plug, so that doesn't do me any good. At this point, the clock is ticking. I'm um just watching the minutes click off here, and I run over to um um Target and I run out of the same situation there. They don't have the plug. I'm messaging Allie, I don't know what to do. I'm at that point now where I have 30 minutes, 30 minutes to get there to get set up and to start playing, and I know that I maybe have 15 or 20 minutes of available um power supply for my laptop. So this isn't good. Like this, all of this says not good. And I'm messaging Allie and uh I'm asking her if um, you know, like do I have to cancel this gig? Like, what am I gonna do? She's asking people for chargers, like it's a whole process. Um, one of my best friends, Jeff, who actually does the theme song for this here podcast, Jeff with the gut truckers. He's a fellow DJ. I uh I call him, he's getting out of work, I meet him at his place. He doesn't have the plug either. And as we're talking, like he's trying to give me ideas, and I was like, dude, I I've got about 20 minutes, man. I have 20 minutes to be there and to be set up and to be playing. And uh I was like, I I have to go. When I was leaving, the one thought that I had, the one idea that kind of popped to me in a moment of clarity is I just purchased a bunch of music. When I purchased that on my laptop, it's automatically gonna go to my cell phone. So I know I have some music on my cell phone. I come up with a plan that I'm gonna connect my phone to my laptop with the amount of time that I have, and I'm going to download my playlist to it. That's my plan, that's my go-to plan. I get there, I set up faster than I've ever set up before, and I go to connect my phone, and it tells me the software is not compatible. Like I'm on a different version somewhere. I'm down to 10 minutes, five minutes, I would say, somewhere around there before I have to start playing. I uh get on the Wi-Fi, I try to do a download, it's doing its thing. I move the vehicle, I come back, and it gives me the same warning. So at that moment I realize I'm gonna start this gig with my computer so I can sound check everything correctly, and then I'm gonna have to DJ everything else off of my phone, which obviously isn't a very professional way of doing things, but thankfully I had some stuff on there. Me of a couple years ago would have just melted in a ball of emotion in the corner and just never DJ'd again. I would have just put all my shit on marketplace and said, that's it, dude. Like, that is it.
SPEAKER_06:It's called a Mag 3.
SPEAKER_02:That's what it's called. Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_06:I've done plenty of research on this cell phone charger. And speaking of Marketplace, found you another one.
SPEAKER_02:We did find one on Marketplace. Not the exact plug, but it was a workaround. Free.com. Free.com. It was a workaround. And we'll get into that one in a second. But um I start playing and I have, you know, I I think I maybe made it 10 or 15 minutes on my computer. I did everything else off of my phone, but I worked around it. I found a way. I tried to remain uh composed. I only had to replay a few different songs because I kind of ran out of stuff, but kids didn't know that. People didn't know that they were coming and going. Um, everybody appreciated it. Everybody said it added a really cool element. They want me back next year.
SPEAKER_06:The nice thing about that kind of event is like people aren't coming up to you asking for requests. Right. They're just there to get free candy. Like, yeah, so you're just adding an extra element.
SPEAKER_02:If I was doing requests and DJing full on off of my, I mean, it would have been it would have been tough. But knowing the situation and what it was, I said, all right, I'm gonna try to do this. I can't give up on this, I'm gonna make this happen. But um, it was as stressful as all get out. Like, I'm sp it's cold as all heck, and I'm sweating. Like I'm pouring sweat and I'm freezing at the same time.
SPEAKER_06:By the time I got there, I brought you an energy drink, and you're like, yeah, my anxiety is through through if I can't drink that.
SPEAKER_02:I might throw up if I drank this.
SPEAKER_06:Also, fun fact you just said Jeff from the gut truckers. Yeah. This whole time I thought you were talking about Labby. I thought you were going to Jeff. Which I was like, I don't understand because like I'm talking to Lindsay and she's leaving the house right now. Like I was going to Jeff Lauren's house. I was so confused. Like, why you were going to Jeff Jeff's house to check the charger, but she was leaving her house.
SPEAKER_02:I no, I that's hilarious. I left our house with less than an hour to go. I managed to go to Staples, to Target, to Jeff's house, get to a Rundle Ford, set up, troubleshoot everything, and start playing at four o'clock. I don't know how they did it. And um the best thing about this is I didn't realize how well this actually went until like the next day, and Jeff Forrin sent me a text message and was like, Man, how did it go? And then he said, I gotta tell you, I've been working on like my composure. I've been working on controlling my emotions and not freaking out. I can't believe how calm you were in the midst of that chaos.
SPEAKER_06:Next time I see Jeff, I'm gonna show him my phone. Well, there was nothing calm, cool, and collected. I'm in a meeting. I have to literally like silence my phone because it's like ding d-ding ding ding ding ding-ding-ding ding ding. Hello, help, help. I need your help. Hello, are you there? Are you ignoring me? How come you're ignoring me? What's going on? Where are you? Hello?
SPEAKER_02:Well, I'm allowed to be a mess to you. Okay? That's different. Absolutely. To the clients, I must remain composed. But I was surprised and I surprised myself because I get frantic in those moments. I get worked up at a DJ gig when software doesn't work, when something isn't happening. And now I know I'm watching a computer that's slowly dying a painful death in front of me on Halloween with kids everywhere.
SPEAKER_06:You always call me in when your screen gets split. You're like, uh I can never remember them.
SPEAKER_02:I'm just like, I'm getting shot at, I gotta go.
SPEAKER_06:And uh good thing you bring IT with you.
SPEAKER_02:Oh my gosh. I need to start taking a percentage. But I had I was even doing my setup on my own. You were at work. Like this was a major milestone accomplishment for me. And when Jeff said it to me, I was like, oh man, you know what? Maybe I am growing up. Maybe I am maturing a little bit. I want to be like you when I grow up. Jeez, I'm and he said, he's like, I've really been working on that, and I just admire how calm you were with the fact that you had like, you know, 25 minutes, 20 minutes to get there set up, not have a computer work, and you were like, Yeah, I'll figure this out. And I said, Well, I guess having Paisley's helped. Because in the mix of like having poop on your fingers and being screamed at and the microwave going off, and there like a frying pan burning or something, and the dog's barking, and you're just like, everything's cool here. Life comes at you fast, apparently. Fast and hard. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_06:And being shot at.
SPEAKER_02:Wow. So that one was number one, it was really fulfilling and gratifying to see the little one out of trick-or-treating and having a big smile on her face. And when she comes across the lot and sees me, starts waving. Like you and my mom walking around, all that was was great.
SPEAKER_06:And this was clenched onto the trick-or-treat bucket. Like as soon as she started realizing that people were putting treats in her bucket, she grabbed onto that thing so tight, and then someone went to go put something in, and she like pulled it away and was like, wait a minute.
SPEAKER_02:Don't take it back.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:So that was um that was great. And then we had a little family pizza party after, and um, so that was a real feel-good scenario. And the next day, um, I had another gig and we were running around trying to find a power supply, and you found one that works. But I quickly learned while DJing that every song takes one or two percentage points of battery away. It's not strong enough to keep it going. So we look, but it was a workaround. But thankfully, we only had a two-hour gig because if it was two and a half hours or three hours, I would have run out of battery there, too. But we figured it out thanks to your crafty mom fingertips, mom fan clubs on Facebook.
SPEAKER_06:We get some free parts and we made we made it work, but I mean, we also realize that you have a bad port in your laptop, too. So we learned some stuff. If you didn't have a bad port, we might be okay.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:But we're working on it.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. So I took this gig um a while ago without really reading all the details. A friend of mine from school had reached out and said, Hey, I have this charity event. Would you be interested in doing this? I really want to have you there. And she's also connected to the folks with a rundle forward, and you know, and and she's been at some of the parties and stuff that we've done. So she just wanted us to do this event.
SPEAKER_06:And on the calendar, just so everyone's aware, we have the skylight calendar and we love that thing. Like, go to your local Sam's Club, buy it. We're not sponsored, but we should be. We should be, actually. It's gonna be on the calendar, it literally says fundraiser event.
SPEAKER_02:Did I even put it on the calendar? I don't even know.
SPEAKER_06:Okay, maybe because I literally Because I put like fundraiser event, and I was like, I still don't know what this fundraiser is, but here we are.
SPEAKER_02:Like, I screwed up too because I thought in my mind, oh, it's strange to do that on a Tuesday night. And I was like, I'm gonna DJ Friday and I'll have a couple days left and I'll do Tuesday. And thankfully, like on like I don't know, Monday or Tuesday the week before I like looked at my calendar and was like, oop, good thing I didn't do anything else. Because I remember like, I don't know, I just didn't I just wasn't computing, but I told you it was a fundraiser.
SPEAKER_07:That's it. That's all I got.
SPEAKER_02:And uh I knew it was a charity event, it was an auction, and then I was gonna DJ the final two hours.
SPEAKER_06:And you said that it was a friend of yours from school. I was like, okay, cool, like whatever.
SPEAKER_02:So during our conversation, I'm chatting back and forth with Amanda about like how this is gonna go, and I'm like, can you kind of set the scene, tell me what this is like? And she's like, Well, it's a charity event, it's gonna start at five, and um, I was like, oh boy, you told me to be there at eight. And she's like, No, I have like live music from five to eight, and then there's auctions going on, silent auctions and raffles, and then you're gonna DJ from eight to ten. But I need you to come early and set up before the event gets started because I won't be able to have you logging things in and doing sound checks and stuff. So I organize the fact that we're gonna go there at two o'clock, and she gives me all the details, and um I just kind of pruse over it. Funny thing here, we don't realize until like twenty minutes before we go in to unload the gear that it's a masquerade ball.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah. Uh I also don't know until 20 minutes before what the fundraiser is for.
SPEAKER_02:I want to say, first off, masquerade ball. We don't have anything that goes I I'm not prepared for this. I wore cowboy boots to this gig. And I have the biggest bush on my head because I'm in between haircuts too, that I wore a backwards LPA cap.
SPEAKER_06:Um people are there was a guy dressed just like you.
SPEAKER_02:Actually wore the exact same shirt as me. I was like, I'm so underdressed, and there's a guy wearing the exact same shirt as me. Um yeah, there's full suits and masquerade masks and stuff, and uh, I wasn't prepared for that.
SPEAKER_06:Full opera get ups.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, it was it was bushes and yeah, it was a scene. Yeah, uh George Washington haircuts and all that good stuff. But um you're like, hey, so what is the charity that we're going to support to Yeah?
SPEAKER_06:We're like driving around getting coffee, and I was like, so can you uh give me the lowdown? Like, what is going on?
SPEAKER_02:Like Yeah, when I get home, I'll go through my messages.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_02:We like come home sitting on the couch and I'm cruising through doo doo doo doo doo doo and you just start reading it to me. Did you catch that? I didn't even realize that.
SPEAKER_06:I definitely got that.
SPEAKER_02:You just get the bluey theme song, and I didn't even know it. Doot do I better not do that again. My child will wake up. She's sleeping, so don't do that. So I'm perusing on the couch and I'm like, do do okay, so here it goes. Oh, yeah, here's the charity. Here's the seeds of hope.
SPEAKER_07:Seeds of hope.
SPEAKER_02:And you're like, giving me this. I was like, huh, I don't know what that is. Okay, do it, and I keep going. I look over and you have this like I just threw it on the couch look.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah, I was like doing something, and I literally like came like dead to stop. And I was like, what did you just say? And you're like, Siege of hope. And I was like, okay. Hard gulp. Like, alright, I'm listening. Like, I'm already like not sure whether I want to go.
SPEAKER_02:Right. I was kind of waiting for you to be like, it's two hours. I'll help you set up the gear, and then I'm out of there, and you can finish it off tonight. I'll see you.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And then uh you were asking questions, and like I was just like, eh, see too hoopy, and you just keep going. And I was like, uh I looked over at it, and I didn't wasn't making the math, wasn't mathing. Yeah, on my end.
SPEAKER_06:So I you're like, what's what's the matter? What's going on? And I was like, well, let me just break this down for you. Seeds of Hope is a great foundation, hands down. What they do is amazing, is God's work. It truly is. Um, so for anyone who doesn't know what Seeds of Hope is, is they actually have a building um that they use. It's a full kitchen. Um, and if you're homeless or don't have any food or down on your luck or whatever, you can always guarantee um they will serve you food. Um, I don't know what the time frames are, but I know that you can go there breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And in the winter time, um, you can go there for a few hours and it's called a warming station. So you can go there for um certain times um throughout the day to get your breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but then you can also go there. I wanna say that they close the doors after dinner and then they reopen them for like two or three hours in the night time so you can basically warm up, get out of the cold, and then unfortunately, they do have to kick you back out because like they don't have the ability to keep people there. Um things have changed recently. I was talking to one of the directors and kind of got an update. Um, did some research on Seeds of Hope before getting there as well. And uh so one of the main um things for me is that I know that my mom used to go there um for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Um, and it was one of those things that I knew she was she was fed. Um and so that was like important, important for me. Um I knew that she would go there and they would give her uh a warm jacket, maybe some gloves, um that sort of thing while she was homeless. Um so I knew they were doing they were doing God's work. So for me, I was like going back and forth, like I have just laid my mom to rest. Do I just not go and just stay strong and keep moving on? Um, or do I go and support the support the community and can support the the foundation that was there for my mom when I couldn't be?
SPEAKER_02:They were there for her when like literally nobody else was. And a lot of it not by um anybody else's like own doing, but she wasn't taking help from anybody else either. You know what I mean? And um, but she was taking help from them. And like you said, they were there when nobody else was.
SPEAKER_06:And they do other things there, like you know, if you are trying to get uh food stamps or housing assistance and that sort of thing, like they'll set you up with a um a caseworker, and um, you know, they'll get you in contact with um like the housing departments in the local area and kind of help you do your taxes, and they just do a whole lot of things. Um, it's n it's basically like a resource center.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it's a lot more than just like a food pantry or a soup kitchen. Like there's all these other things I didn't even know about. Like you're educating me as we go through all this and all the things that they do offer.
SPEAKER_06:And um they have like a um a closet that they will basically like clothe people, which is super nice. And um, your mom and I donate to them all the time with with clothes, like sometimes we go to goodwill and sometimes we go to um seeds of hope. Like now that we've recently just found out about like Seeds of Hope that they take clothes. Um because the last couple of times we have tried to go there, they weren't accepting anything, so we would just go to the goodwill. Um, but to know that they like take clothes and you know what they do with them is they they allow people from Seeds of Hope to go in there, kind of get um some clothes, like especially if they're going to an interview and that sort of thing. Like they'll bring them to the closet um and like hook them up. I had actually experienced Seeds of Hope um before my mom had started using their services. Um, when I was working at the addiction clinic, we used to have um Oh, that makes sense. We would send people down there, they would drop off coupons and that sort of thing and kind of uh give us their information cards, like letting us know, like, hey, you know, if you have somebody who's in need, we're happy to help them. These are the resources. That's kind of like where I got kind of all of their information um initially. And that was like six years ago. Um, so before my mom even needed, yeah, yeah. So I already knew that they were already doing good work, and I used to send my patients down there all the time. Um, so it's it was really nice. Um, but I did, I contemplated back and forth leading up to it. Like, am I am I going? Is this a right move? Is this um is this God's plan? Am I gonna set myself back? Like I literally went through like all the motions. Like I was like, you know, no, I'm just it's just a couple of hours, like you're just gonna stay home. Like, you don't need to go, you're fine, you're already set up, good to go. We got the charger good. And then I was like, no, there's a there's a reason for this. Like there's there's a bigger plan. Um so I ended up going. It was fun.
SPEAKER_02:I think um you're absolutely right. There was certainly a bigger plan. I Never noticed the charity when she first reached out because had I noticed, we could have had a discussion, decided, you know what I mean? We this was all sprung on you, you know. It was on a whim that I took the gig, it was on a whim that it actually fit in the schedule because for the next two weekends in a row, I would have had to say no.
SPEAKER_00:Right.
SPEAKER_02:So the fact that it actually fit in as well was random. Um, it was all God's plan, it was all God's timing. And um, I think it was incredible that just the way it all went, that it worked out, that you would find out. Like before, you didn't have I knew about this for weeks, maybe a month, right? But I didn't realize, right? I didn't do the research. Like I knew of the fundraiser, but I didn't know the I read it, but I just skipped over it, and I was like, last time I talked to her, she worked for a bank. So what you know what I mean? I I literally like don't remember. I just kind of spruised over it, or we could have talked this out for the longest time. This was sprung on you with like, you know, less than I mean, it was hours, basically.
SPEAKER_06:Which is probably a better idea than it's like.
SPEAKER_02:That's why I think it was more God's plan because you would have sweated over this, you know, you would have changed your mind 16 times to Sunday, you know what I mean? Right. And in this time that didn't really give you that option. It was like, well, I guess I'm I'm doing this. And also I think it was good that we were able to go there, set up, get a little vibe, leave, come home, go back, like kind of reprepare yourself. Yeah. But it was certainly wasn't our plan. This just worked out like the way it was supposed to work out. I also, in the back of my mind, felt like at some point you were gonna have some form of conversation just because I know you. But while I was DJing, I looked over and there was a lot of time where you were just kind of distracting yourself on the couch and just kind of you know letting things kind of happen. Um then there was a point where I saw you settle in and you were like dancing and enjoying yourself, but there was definitely a block of time where you look like you either needed to distract yourself or you weren't feeling comfortable, you know. Um there's nothing at that point that I can do. I'm behind a booth just trying to work and um, you know, not look like an idiot and plaid, basically.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah, it was a lot of uh a lot of different things going on. Like it was, you know, in the in the back of my mind, I'm like, um, I just kept hearing say thank you, say thank you, say thank you, like non-stop. And so I was you know, um scrolling on my phone, just trying to like just be in the moment, but also like ignore this nonstop, like thank you, thank you, thank you in my head. Um, there was a couple of times that I had run into the organizers, and I just kept saying to myself, like, we're not telling them nothing. I'm here, I'm with the DJ.
SPEAKER_02:I'm gonna blend in here.
SPEAKER_06:I'm blending in. That's it. I know the Midors, I know the Labbies, like I Trottiers, Trottiers, like all of them, they were there yesterday. Like, I I'm just here with them. They know me from DJing with you, and that's that's just what I'm here for. Um, and I didn't want I I didn't want to bring up my mom, and I just kept saying that in my head, like, we're not doing this, we're not, there's no we're not having our conversation, we're here to get in, get out, we're here for two hours. Like, and I just kept going through that. Like, I just kept going through the motions, and I was like, There's no need for you to share your story to any anyone, like it it's not your story to share. Like, just be done with it, you know what I mean? Like, I didn't use them as a service, um, but I saw them help a lot of people. Um, so I had like a couple of drinks, and I was like, all right, I'm gonna dance with the crew, like hang out, like let let loose a little bit. Um and the it just kept getting louder. But it was funny because it was originally like say thank you, say thank you, say thank you. And I'm like, say thank you for what? Like I'm literally like I'm probably sound like a psychopath, but I'm like, say thank you for what? Like I'm I'm lost. At one point I heard please, please say thank you. And I was like, So I sat back and I just started like just evaluating the situation. Like I'm sitting, I'm standing at the DJ booth with you, looking over the dance floor is full, the they just had a great like auction, and I'm just taking in the moment at that point. And I was like, okay, I got it, I got it. Like I'm okay, I'm gonna make it right. And I think you had at that point just were working on your last song or something of that nature, and I was like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and then um you asked me to settle up the tab. So I did, and I like started to walk towards and I walked towards the the bar and ran into a friend that I knew, said hi, did the whole shebang, and then ran directly into the director. Like bam, like whoa, excuse me, sorry. Like I had talked to her like earlier, hi, I'm Allie, whatever. Ran smack into her. And it was like it was like word vomit. Like I felt so bad, but I just like I word vomited on her, and I was like, thank you. Thank you for everything that you do. I know you don't hear that enough. And she was like, it stopped her in her tracks.
SPEAKER_02:Right. We certainly didn't expect that.
SPEAKER_06:Um and it was the next thing that came out of my mouth is coming from a family member on the other side who knows that their family member is being fed and clothed and all the things by you. You're doing God's work, and I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful that you're there. Um thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you're what you're doing, and please keep doing what you're doing. I know you don't hear thank you from those people, and that's okay. Um, but no, the people on the outside that see it, it means a lot. And I said to her, before my mom took her own life, she used your service every single day. And I don't know if you do any of the serving there or if you're behind the scenes. I don't know. Um, but m I know my mom was going there every single day, and she said, Um, what was your mom's name? And I said, her name was Angel, and her last name is Monk, and she just looked at me and she chuckled a little bit, and I said, She's not the nicest person on earth. Uh wasn't the nicest person, and she just looked at me and said, She hated me. And I said, Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm her daughter and she hated me too. I said, but um, you know, it comes with the territory, I guess. Um but I knew that she was okay when she was here. When she would tell me, I'm trying to catch the bus, I'm trying to go to Seeds, that to me was she's gonna get a warm meal. She may get a warm shower if they are if they're open. Um because sometimes they don't do showers and that sort of thing um during dinner time. And so there were just like some checks check marks if like in my head, like, all right, she's gonna checking in. If they need if she needs something, they'll help her. If she hurt herself, they'll help her. Um I knew there was somebody there. Um, and she gave me the biggest hug and she got teary-eyed, and she just said, Thank you. That means a lot. Um, we don't hear it. We don't hear it at all. And I said, I can believe that. And one of her other workers um said, We just do what we do because we need to.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_06:We're we're driven uh to do so. And her and I chit-chatted a a little bit more. She told me some stories about how um how and why my mom hates her, and apparently she went there super late and they were closing for lunchtime, and my mom was like, Can I take a shower? And she was like, No. And because they were closing. Yeah. And rules, who would figure? Correct. And apparently my mom held that grudge, and anytime she saw her, she gave her a dirty look or called her a bad name or whatnot. And she said, I didn't take it personal. Yeah, it was that wasn't her. Right. If I would have seen her outside of the addiction, that wasn't her. And I said, You're right. You're right, you're absolutely right.
SPEAKER_02:You're absolutely right about the um holding the grudge part too.
SPEAKER_06:Oh yeah. And I knew when she said, like I knew she knew, I knew she knew who she was talking about. She's talking about a white person based off descriptions, correct, and like the dirty looks, the uh, you know, that sort of thing. Um and so she said, you know, there are a few that do hold a soft spot in your heart, and uh, she was one of them. And that that to me was another like a check mark.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_06:Those are the ones that you take care of, those are the ones that you know come in, and maybe you give them a little extra. Yeah, I didn't know that until now, but um, you know, she said that she was really heartbroken to hear um what had happened, and her and I kind of uh went through what was going around Seeds of Hope because all the homeless and all the addicts come together at one dinner table and she hears the the rif raff. Um, and so we had a conversation about that, and uh you know, she was packing up, I was holding you up from packing up. My bad.
SPEAKER_02:I didn't know, I was like, I didn't know what at this point I didn't think you were having this kind of conversation, or I never would have texted you, but like I'm done and looking for the car key just to open the trunk, and I'm like, even if you're pinging the tab, just lean out the window and unlock the trunk. Like I didn't know you were having this conversation at the time.
SPEAKER_06:And what's weird is like my watch and my phone didn't go off at all until like 20 minutes down the road. Right. Like that you were texting me. And like we were in like a pretty well like yeah, on a Wi-Fi network. Like Yeah. So it was like super bizarre.
SPEAKER_02:You weren't supposed to be distracted, so my messages didn't make it, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_06:Yeah, and it was just a really good um opportunity for me to share um my story as someone on the outside who doesn't use her services to know that they're doing the right thing. And like even if you know they are having a bad day and someone's being super mean to them, that like there are family members out there that are very grateful to know that they're checking in at seeds.
SPEAKER_02:How often do they ever really get that? You know what I mean? Like, like you said, people in the situation, not a lot of them are gonna say thank you. It's not their fault. Like they're I should say, I mean, I don't know if fault's the right word, but a lot of these folks are they're addicted, right? So they're not their true selves, right? They're not um really with it in the sense of like being grateful and you know and and saying thank you and counting bustins, but there's a lot of them that I'm sure, I'm sure are, you know what I mean? But also of that, if you have a very slim amount that probably say thank you all the time or show their true appreciation of all the people that go there to actually hear from family, like family members, I'm guessing that very rarely ever happens, right? Because a lot of these people that are going there, they might not even have family left, and that could be part of the reason. You know what I mean? They might not even be, they could be hundreds of miles away from home. I don't know. They could have a broken scenario where they don't talk to their family at all, you know what I mean? And then they and which was much like the situation that that that Angel had, but the likelihood, the percentage points on the fact that this all lined up for you to be able to to say thank you is um that's truly God's timing. It's not this was completely out of our hands. This was in no no way, shape, or form created by us.
SPEAKER_06:And I think it was, you know, we had a good conversation when we left there, and you made a very, very good point that, you know, like it was probably, I mean, very well my mom saying, please say thank you. Please close up those loose ends that I never had the ability to, but now that I've transitioned and I'm not addicted and I'm not in any pain, I see all the good that they've done. Yeah, um, so please do that for me.
SPEAKER_02:So as soon as you said, like, I just kept having this feeling, this you know, say thank you. I just kept hearing this, and I was like, Well, that's that's Angel. She wants you to say thank you. And and I'd also said that you not necessarily knowing it, have had things placed on your path, or you've been put in a direction to tie up loose ends for angel. And you've been on this this journey here, and it started with with the Reiki and the conversations and the tough conversations, and we've said it on here before, folks. There's multiple conversations and episodes on here. If you guys want to go back and follow along on those, they're extremely, extremely powerful. And you can hear Ali's whole story on this, and you'll start to see now as we sprinkle time and distance on it, how much all of this makes sense. And we had this like come to Jesus conversation on the ride home on Saturday night where you start connecting the dots and say, Man, you've been closing the loop, you've been tying up loose ends for Angel without even knowing it. You've gotten phone calls from random like drug addicts that were given your number from somebody else, who was giving your number from somebody else that wanted to hear a story that was trying to connect with Angel. You've had to firsthand tell so many people months later that she's no longer here. Yeah, you've been the one breaking that that news. You've had so many uncomfortable off-the-wall conversations, whether you're getting your nails done and a person that was selling and buying drugs with her walks in and results in you almost going fisticuffs in the parking lot, but giving her a conversation, a reality that maybe sets in and maybe hopefully changes her direction. Yeah, but you think of these things, so many of these conversations I'm certain were driven by angel, right? Yeah and the people that you've had to talk to that you've never seen before, you've never heard from before. Um, it's in it's incredible the way some of these things have gone.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah, I just got a message the other day from some random lady, never even she's like, I've been trying to call and text her mom. Where is she? Is she okay? Did she get into rehab? Who are you? Yeah, where did you get my information? Right. Like, I can be my hand on the Cabela's catalog, eye to the sky. She didn't go around saying I have a son and a daughter.
SPEAKER_02:Right. We know that to be true. The um the the thing too is like if you think about it now, like I like we always say, sprinkle time and distance on it. You look at some of the pebbles and the path and the stones that were cast to make this all work out. A detective calls you and says, I have her belongings, and you deny wanting to pick those up. Eventually you go and pick those up. That leads you to, you know, burner phones and information that tells you the truth, but also connects you to these people in these conversations. Yeah, it gives you the ability to call bullshit when you see somebody at a nail salon and say, No, you can't feed me those lies. I have the phone, I read the story. Like you know the truth. All these things were placed there for you to close these loops. Like, you've been on this journey to do so. And I we talked about it on Saturday. A few weeks ago, you went and you finally had the opportunity to lay her to rest. There was no church service. No. The next day, as a family, we walked into church, and we've done it every Sunday since. This past weekend, we think and feel that was the final step. You were able to say thank you to the people that were there for her. Yeah. Even when she said she didn't want to help, they were there for her. It's um it's God's timing and it's it's Angel's message. And I think that regardless of the difficulties that you two have had for her to be where she is now, watching you where you are now, and knowing after all of this, you're still doing this for her. We just went through a a church service on Sunday that was on forgiveness. I also would would say that that message on forgiveness was also certainly given to you. And I'm certain it was given to many more people that it resonated with there, but you have every reason to live with resentment. You have every reason to live with the hostility. It's because of your heart that you live with forgiveness.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:That message on forgiveness at church speaks volumes to this path that you've been on. And to realize that, like on Saturday, you're saying thank you. You're doing these things on her behalf, and then we're going to church and we're getting this message. It's incredible to me that um this is what's been happening. And I know that there's been some difficult times and days for for you and for us. You know, we've struggled through some things as of late. And I questioned whether you would want to have this episode tonight and bring some of these things back up. But I also think that it just goes to show that you're forever committed to the fact that what it is that you're going through, if you share it, it's going to help other people. And um people should also realize that when you have the strength to share what you're going through, I think it makes people feel better as well. And I hope that it has for you, and that you can recognize that I forgive there's a lot of forgiveness in my heart, and and I've done these things and I'm closing these loops, and I think that that is a major help for both of you. And I think that you certainly didn't hear it enough as a child, and I know that, and you didn't hear it enough as an adult. But that voice in your head that said to say thank you, I think you you absolutely know that she's proud of you and she appreciates that you have done that and that you've been doing what you're doing.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah. And uh tomorrow at two o'clock, I will go ahead and sit down with with Missy and let everything go. I've made a another appointment with uh Missy, my Reiki, um Reiki coach, in order to um say my final goodbyes. And I I did that in my um first couple of sessions, but now I've done the work. Right. Um, we've laid her to rest. Um I've had these opportunities to go to church and now finally say thank you. Um, so I felt that there was no better time than um than now for me to make an appointment, um, sit down with Missy, uh, have her help me um remove the last bit of um hurt and anger that I have because of everything, um, the resentment. Um because of course I'm always going to hold on to a little bit of that.
SPEAKER_02:Well, it's gonna come and go, right? Emotions are gonna hit you. You're gonna see something, it's gonna remind you. You're gonna be looking at your daughter, and something's gonna hit you. Like I have all these just flashes from like my dad on things, so I can only imagine like the emotional roller coaster that that you go on over this because it's a very unique situation. You know what I mean? You're we're talking about addiction and and suicide and and abuse and the years of trying to make things work, and there's all these whirlwind of emotions. It's not like a normal situation where you're like, oh wow, I miss my relative right now. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_06:It's very traumatic. So on top of everything else, yeah. Um, it's just one more uh one more loop in the belt, I guess. Yeah. Um, and that's why I'm going to uh seek um assistance with Missy. And she's helped me along the process uh this far. And I think that it's going to be super helpful um for her to allow me to release um any negativity that I have left, any hurt that I have left. Um, because at this point, now that you know we've laid her to rest, I think it's important um for me to move on. Um and remember her for the good times that we had. Um they may have been few and far between, but that's what I want to remember. Um, you know, before the addiction set in and um before she was so angry and um and it was like her against the world. Right. Um, so I think that this is going to allow me to finish the healing journey that I started. Of course, we're we're always gonna continue to grieve, but I think it's going to allow me to close that healing journey as far as hearing the news and laying her to rest. Um, I can close that chapter. Um I've done all the work in in the background of all the things, all the people I needed to talk to, um, gathering with family, that sort of thing. Now it's my time to open up to my new season of how do I live life not worrying about her, um, and being a good mom of my own. Um, and so with the assistance of Missy, we're we're gonna work on that and we're gonna move forward. Um, but I am so grateful um for you taking that gig because I feel like that was just one um one more step towards me saying goodbye um in a proper manner. Right. You know, I if you wouldn't have taken that gig, I never would have had that opportunity. Like I wouldn't have I mean, maybe if they had a like a an event or something of that nature, but I never would have had that conversation.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, what it what's the likelihood of that event even falling on your lap to be like, oh, I'm gonna I I'm aware of it, I'm gonna go to it. You know what I mean? This was like a ticketed event, like a fifty dollar per person scenario. I'd never seen it advertised.
SPEAKER_06:Like I mean, like I've gone to like a couple of their yard sales and a couple of their like closet, like when they you know get rid of things in their closet.
SPEAKER_02:You might have done a donation, right? Maybe that would have been it, right? You yeah, but I mean you might have been like, I'm gonna clean the closet and I'm gonna go drop this off, and then that could have spiked a conversation, but but you never did.
SPEAKER_06:But I mean, what's the chances? You know what I mean? Like, because they're the organizers and they're usually at Seeds of Hope, not at the closet. So, like the likelihood of us like running into one another, and I could have run into her at the grocery store multiple of times and never knew who not had a clue. Yeah, no. Um so having the conversation with her was so heartfelt and so warm um that it you know, leaving there like was like another weight lifted off of my shoulders. Like, you know, every time I you know I don't know how to how to explain it, but every time I move closer and closer to the end of that chapter, something else comes off of my shoulders and it doesn't feel as heavy.
SPEAKER_02:Right. Um you argue with your husband on the ride home and then it changes everything. Right.
SPEAKER_07:I don't ruin it.
SPEAKER_02:I'm gonna kick your ass. Question for you. Did you make said Reiki appointment before or after? You got in a little heated debate conversation with your husband that said book a Reiki appointment.
SPEAKER_07:No, it's actually been on the schedule.
SPEAKER_02:Really? I can't take credit for this? No. Was it also on your schedule to leave work early and just tell me now?
SPEAKER_07:It's my last day of work with this company, so yeah, it's been on the schedule.
SPEAKER_02:It's a You literally said to me this morning, I got a feeling I'm not gonna make it the full day tomorrow. No kidding! You made an appointment. There's no way you're making the full day. Busted. Yeah. I'm so on to you.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah, I was just gonna show up.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:But I felt like it was a way for me to do me.
SPEAKER_02:That makes sense. I'm happy for you.
SPEAKER_06:Like I'm ending one chapter of my life with the company, but I'm also ending a chapter in my life of loving it, laying my mom to rest. All on the same day.
SPEAKER_02:You just um drop some some news there for the people. And we're gonna leave that to the next time you join the show. That is what they call the show business, a cliffhanging. We're gonna leave the folks hanging there. There's a major news drop from the from the wife there.
SPEAKER_05:Not like a booger hanger.
SPEAKER_02:No, no bats in the cave. Not an election hanging Chad scenario. Um hanging Chad. Yeah, that election happened before you were really you were I was in middle school.
SPEAKER_05:So you were hanging people at elections?
SPEAKER_02:No, no, no, no. It's election day today, as we're recording. So another election joke was just appropriate, but I'll explain it to you. It was a gore bush election vote recount in Florida, hanging Chads.
SPEAKER_05:You just said there was no hanging, and then you said it was gory.
SPEAKER_02:And then I said something about a bush. I'll explain all of it, I promise.
SPEAKER_05:Okay.
SPEAKER_02:It's gonna require a game of poker and you losing your top.
SPEAKER_07:I'm not wearing one.
SPEAKER_02:Even better.
SPEAKER_07:On that note, yes, I am recording topless.
SPEAKER_02:You were you were wearing actually two tops, but you might be missing up there. Hello. Wow, this just got really inappropriate. Someday our child's gonna listen to this episode. People are gonna wonder.
SPEAKER_05:I love that.
SPEAKER_02:What is wrong with us?
SPEAKER_05:We gotta go out on a happier note.
SPEAKER_02:I am to that sister. But I do think everything about this was actually happy. Um and fulfilling and uplifting, and it's this journey of life that we are on is never ceases to amaze, right? Like it's uh that's crazy. I even had a really awesome church story to share this week, but uh save it. It is what it is. This is enough. People can't handle it, they can't handle any more from us. This is it.
SPEAKER_05:Can it?
SPEAKER_02:Can it? Well, until next time, America. Actually, find us at the Bangor Mall this weekend if you're curious. If you want to come on.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah. Till the cat.
SPEAKER_02:Curiosity actually filled the Christmas tree. You know what I mean? Come on out and buy something American made. I'll see you at the Bangor Mall Saturday and Sunday. We love you. We appreciate you. Thank you for supporting our American dream.
SPEAKER_04:My American dream. Your American dream. Our American dream. Amen. Paisley's American dream. That's that too. Now wash your hands. Eat your mashed potatoes. Take your vitamins.
SPEAKER_02:Filfe animal.
SPEAKER_00:Christmas movie blind.
SPEAKER_02:That's it, and that's all, Biggie Smalls. If you're a Loud Proud American and you find yourself just wanting more, find me on YouTube and Facebook at Loud Proud American or the Face page, as my mama calls it. If you're a fan of the Graham Cracker, you want to find me on Instagram or all the kids by tickety talkin' on the TikTok, you can find me on both of those at loud underscore proud underscore American. A big old thank you to the boys from the Gut Truckers for the background beats and the theme song for this year podcast. If you are enjoying what you're hearing, track down the gut truckers on Facebook and just search Gut Truckers. Give them motherfuckers a like too.
SPEAKER_03:I hate to say I told you so. Make it green. I told you so.
SPEAKER_02:I truly thank you for supporting my American dream. Now go wash your fucking hands, you filthy savage.