She Surrenders - The Podcast
She Surrenders is where we talk about faith, addiction, and women all in the same place. Sherry’s 10-year struggle with alcohol ended in surrender to God and a 1,000-mile bike trip. There is an easier way! Sherry started She Surrenders out of a place of needing to find other women of faith struggling with their secrets of addiction. Her heart is to share everything about recovery and what it looks like to surrender to God and the life He calls you to live. Whatever you struggle with, you are in the right place to find encouragement and comfort that you are not alone. We all have our stuff.
Its about time we learn from each other and share our stories of surrender and the joy that can be found in a life living in recovery as a woman who loves the Lord.
She Surrenders - The Podcast
Ep 58 | Embracing Accountability for a Sober Future
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Imagine having the courage to change your relationship with alcohol and discovering the profound impact of accountability in that journey. On the Joyful Surrender podcast, I sit down with Lynne, Christina, Tarrah, and Kali to share personal experiences and insight into the importance of recognizing unhealthy habits and finding a supportive community. Our conversation highlights the significance of supportive friends who understand the journey, the need to plan ahead to avoid temptations, and the grace required to navigate changing relationships.
Join us for an honest and inspiring conversation that underscores the triumphs and challenges of a new life of recovery, with valuable lessons on accountability and community support. Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? YES!
About the She Surrenders Podcast:
On the She Surrenders podcast we are talking about women, faith and addiction all on the same platform. There are many podcasts for women and sobriety, but very few for women seeking information and stories from others about faith-based recovery.
Help us reach more listeners: like, subscribe, review, and share.
Find us on Instagram @shesurrenders_sherry, on Facebook @shesurrenderssherry, and online at www.shesurrenders.com.
Welcome back to the she Surrenders podcast, or should I say the Joyful Surrender podcast, because it's July 2024 and I've got some of my Joyful Surrender girls with me. I've got Lynn, christina, tara and Callie here with me tonight and it's lovely to have some familiar faces on the screen with me. And we've been talking about our relationship with alcohol, how we view our relationship with alcohol, and it's kind of skewed, that it needs to be changed, because we look at it and we don't even realize how unhealthy it is. And it's a relationship that needs to be replaced, because when you quit, you're actually missing something. I remember when I quit, I felt like I lost my best friend Well, and I did at the time because I didn't have many friends left either. So we're talking about that and how far you're willing to go to change that relationship. So that's where we're starting tonight, and I wish we would have started recording 15 minutes ago, because we talked about so many good things.
Speaker 1So we talked about changing the relationship. We talked about accountability being important. But does accountability mean getting a sponsor or calling someone every day and saying I did not drink, I did not drink day 10. I did not drink day 11. I drank. Is that what accountability looks like? And we don't think it does. Lynn, you talked about that a little bit. You want to share a little bit about that.
Speaker 2Yeah, with accountability. I just felt when I first stopped drinking and came into the rooms of recovery that you know I needed accountability, just because you know I was drinking and I went into treatment and coming out, I just needed some kind of accountability. But what I found was, you know, I all the people that I was my friends, so-called were all drinking people and I really didn't have any anybody in recovery that that I knew. And so I surrounded myself with people in recovery and they became over the years, you know, very, very good friends that I keep in contact with and I'm able and with this group I mean, I have so many different groups and communities that I have that when I'm struggling and communities that I have that when I'm struggling, I'm able to pick up that phone, email and say, hey, I'm struggling today, can you help me?
Speaker 2You know, because to me the most important thing is, you know, obviously talking to God that's the most important but talking to people in your community and I call it kind of like the tribe that you're able to talk to them and kind of rationalize how you're feeling, because a lot of times, at least with me, it's my head that gets me in trouble and if I verbally talk to somebody, they can talk to me like I would talk to somebody and it always helps. You know, talk to me like I would talk to somebody and it always helps. And you know, I just for me, I know I can never drink again and I will do anything to you. Know any sources that I can get to not drink, and so that's kind of where.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, and I know you've been that person for many people as well, but we all have something to learn from you. So anybody else on that?
Speaker 3Well, I think it can sometimes be good just to have that friend who understands how, like if you got through a day and you just want to say, hey, you know, good on me, I made it. That is often not understood by people who just think, yeah, so you should have you know what's to celebrate or what's the carry on about that. But you know it's a little bit like when you've you know it's taken some real effort and somebody who is ahead of you in that journey understands that. So new friends you know as a part of your new kind of identity and community and sobriety, understand what it's like and can congratulate you for having gone through. So it's the accountability, but it's also the encouragement that comes with having people that understand the journey. Oh yeah for sure, callie.
Speaker 4I'd like to just add to that Part of accountability in my mind is honesty, um, being honest with yourself and and then your friends, like whoever it is that you feel you can trust, and you know part of facing this is to be honest about it, and the more you share it, I think, the more committed you are to it, and that leads to the accountability. But if you're not being honest, then then you're. You know hiding it and you're doing that. You know the opposite. You're not showing up because you're not being honest and and that's, you know, a huge adjustment to be honest with yourself and others about it. That's not easy, but, uh, people aren't as shocked as you think they are, and that's how it starts. You know you have to tell someone, you have to be honest, and I think I feel like the accountability kind of follows suit if you're really, really serious about it.
Speaker 1Yeah, knowing people are watching is very important and I feel like one of the first things that I heard was you're going to have to make all new friends. Old friends got to go and I was like, well, I don't think this is the place for me, because I love my friends and sorry that's not going to happen. Think this is the place for me because I love my friends and sorry that's not going to happen. What I wish I would have heard was you're going to have to be open to change in relationships and you're going to have to give them the same grace that you want from them. They don't understand what you're going through anymore than what you do, and if you can't or don't want to do something, they have to understand why you're not going and you can explain it the best you can and and leave it there, because if they're not in the same boat, you are.
Speaker 1You know, and I've said before, the people that I didn't expect to hang around are some of the dearest people to me and my many new friends including ones on the screen that I've met over the years, and just in the past year, I've been hurt very deeply by some long-term relationships I never saw ending and just felt misunderstood. And I thought back to that first meeting, the ones that I never thought I would, you know, be without. But there's relationships that end for good reasons. But I always feel like God quantifies your life with beautiful new ones, and he has. I worry. I don't worry. I am much more about the quantity of the quality of my relationships than the quantity of friendships that I have. That matters a whole lot more, definitely. Yeah, christina, you had something to add.
Speaker 3Yes, I think what is happening, the perspective of needing to make new friends, is more that we are becoming a new person and because we are becoming a new person in ourself, that maybe some of those friendships are not going to be able to sort of reconcile or appreciate the new person that we're trying to be.
Speaker 3And so, while we're not having to like it's not as black and white as you've got to get rid of you, all of your old friends in most cases. In some cases, it would probably be a good idea not to go where it is slippery, right, you know, don't go. Don't go and hang out with your, your friends, on fr Friday night at the pub for drinks if you're trying to get sober. But if you want to be friends with those people because of course we don't want to get rid of relationships and friends, but they're not able to support you as you try to become a new person then that is where we need to find people that will support you as you try to become a new person, then that is where we need to find people that will support.
Speaker 1And something that you just said made me think, and some people feel threatened by who you're becoming Like, just because I'm not partying anymore, it doesn't mean, and partying is a weird word too. I'm 57 years old. I shouldn't say partying anymore doesn't mean and partying is a weird word to I'm. I'm 57 years old. I shouldn't say partying anymore. I never wasn't really partying anymore. But drinking, you know, makes other you not drinking makes other people uncomfortable, and if that threatens them, then that's another reason and that's not your fault. But relationships change for the strangest reasons and sometimes you're not privy to that information and it's just time to move on because you've changed and sometimes other people stay where they are and, like I said, you have to give people the same grace that you want from them. So, tara, yeah.
Speaker 5So when you know we're talking about relationships, we ourselves have entered a relationship with alcohol and oftentimes that comes to a head and we question our relationship with alcohol Doesn't necessarily mean you have to be an alcoholic to have a question about your relationship with alcohol. But you get to this point of where it's not beneficial to you or it has became something that has been damaged or scarred and it needs to be changed and instead of continuing on that same pattern with that relationship, you have to build new relationships. You have to find newer places to establish. Connection is how that happens happens when you meet people that challenge your mind in the way that you think, introducing ideas that are like positive reinforcements. Right, I mean that whole glass half full glass, half empty. I mean if you're looking at a half empty glass and someone keeps telling you that, then you're going to stay there. But if you want to build yourself up and others around you, then you've got to start looking at the glass you know half full.
Speaker 1Absolutely, and that's just one of the many things that is hard to understand going into entering into a sober lifestyle and there's many of the unknowns, and one of the things we do is we want all the answers right away, just like anything. How's this going to play out? What does this look like? What does this look like 10 years from now? I'm very big on that and I've learned not to ask that question.
Speaker 1The most annoying phrase in the world to me is one day at a time, but I have to live it every single day because that's just not how I roll. But I've learned it is the most healthy way to live. If I look too far ahead, it's a scary place because I don't I. It's easy to fear the unknown and I no longer worry about how to handle situations where there's a lot of drinking and it's gotten easier over the years, but there are still things that I can be blindsided with drinking that still, I think you have to be on your guard the whole time, and it's hard to do that when you're not with any around anybody around you that understands.
Speaker 5So surround yourself, Go ahead. Tara can become super strong, but it takes that first little, that first little nudge to get you going. And the more and more that you use it, the stronger that muscle becomes and that builds over time. When you have that connection with others who are walking the same journey and using those same sober muscles and can say things like you know one day at a time, or play the tape forward, or you know how would you feel about your decision tomorrow, you know those kinds of things. It's just that little muscle memory that keeps building and building. Mm, hmm.
Journey Through Sobriety and Honesty
Speaker 1Yeah, and the In church. Yesterday, our pastor talked a lot about what the church actually is and how actually we are the church. We are not. The church is not actually a building. It's church's people, church's relationship, people church's relationship. And he asked the question how is God calling you to be his church? How can you be the church in a relationship right now? And that got me thinking am I being the person that someone is asking me to be in a relationship and this goes for anybody listening asking me to be in a relationship, and this goes for anybody listening Just because you don't.
Speaker 1If someone comes to you and says I'm trying to quit drinking, I don't really want to talk about how's or why's, I'm just I need to stop, and you might be immediately like I don't know how to deal with that. I don't have any experience with that. You don't need to. You just need to be the church. You need to be the friend, you need to be a good listener, you need to have compassion and you need to be diligent and love them through this, because there were people I told that I never heard from again and that's really hard and nobody needs that to happen, and a lot of people are nodding their heads here. That does happen, so think about that in relationship, too. What relationship are you being called to? A lot of times we're seeking relationship, but a lot of times God's calling you to be in a relationship for someone else and show them that Christ is in you just by being compassionate and kind and being a friend Right. So, lynn, you had your hand up.
Speaker 2Yes, you've got me thinking all over the board now. Yes, you've got me thinking all over the board now, but you know I was thinking of the one day at a time. You know that that always had been strong with me, especially in early recovery. But you know, I think about you know, that first year when I got sober and you know different things, you know different parties or whatever it's going to happen all year round but you know I always had, you know, somebody with me that was sober or I had my car so I could get out I always had you know. I always put up things that I knew that I had kind of an escape route. You know, and I think about it now.
Speaker 2You know events with drinking and all that kind of thing and you know just, I don't think about it as much. You know, when I'm around it there's things I have to be involved in. But people know, you know, people know that I don't drink. You know and that's some of my friends that I'm involved with they know I don't drink and they're very supportive of me and just having people in your life that that you're honest with you know, like Callie was saying, it's just.
Speaker 2You know I'm an open book now, you know, and I don't care, I just tell people, you know, and I don't know announce it to everybody. But you know, people in my life you know I biggest thing was, you know, having somebody with me that I wouldn't go down, that you know brain go down the wrong place. And yeah, just having you know each day. You know I didn't drink today and I'm and I didn't drink yesterday. You know, to me that kind of helped, you know, okay, I have today, you know early on, so then I have tomorrow and just kind of putting it so I wasn't tripping like you know, and it it that really helped me a lot.
Speaker 1Oh for sure. Yeah, and when I said I don't like one day at a time, it's because that's a that's a direct challenge to me. Yeah, because it's reminding me I don't control. I'm not in control of the future at all. I spent a lot of time planning out what my life was going to look like until God showed me way different than what I was planning on. So yeah, thank you, lynn.
Speaker 4Callie. Well, I was thinking about when Lynn was saying her first year of sobriety, and then I was thinking about my first year of sobriety and some of the things I did. Um, right in the beginning, Um, and one was being honest with people, which was really hard.
Speaker 4Um, and I also, you know, like for me, I entertained a lot and I'd have people over and then I would drink wine way too, much wine and I drank with my husband and so those two things, you know, I left at night when my husband was drinking and I, like, went to the safe people like my sister, my best friend. I would do stuff with them, either go to their house or, you know, like, get myself out of the place. That would be easy to slip and that's kind of part of the accountability and, um, your responsibility in it. You know to to think ahead and make plans and um so it. It is one day at a time, but you, you know you have to take some leadership within yourself to know your weaknesses and make sure that you know you have a plan to not put yourself there, especially in the beginning absolutely, absolutely thanks, callie Christina.
Speaker 3I think the other thing I used to remember to tell myself too, was, if it is hard, then it's actually working. Like when we're at the gym and when we're finding something hard, that's because we're building the muscle of resistance, pushing through the resistance and building the muscle, and that's what this is like as well. So when we've had a hard as well, so when we've had a hard, what we think is a really hard day of pushing through, um, that that means we're on the right track. It's not that this is always going to be how it is, but this is actually because we're doing things differently it's going to get easier.
Speaker 3It's going to be easier. It does get get easier. Yeah it does.
Speaker 1Guaranteed. Thanks, Christina Tara.
Speaker 5Yeah, I think it does get easier, and I think Lynn was onto something about being honest with those around you. I feel like that was a huge turning point in my journey. From going my journey, from going in and out of drinking and not drinking days, I feel like once I told my husband that it was an issue and my family around me that I had a problem, it became a whole different ballgame for me, facing what the real truth was and sharing that with others, and I felt like that's kind of why I have always just been very honest since that moment, because I felt like not only did it help me so much, it's got to help others. And I feel like that's a misconception, because a lot of people feel like you have to just keep it in and that's just one of Satan's lies like to just keep you where you are because he doesn't want you to grow in ways that God can use you.
Speaker 1No, and that's just it. If you just quit drinking, you won't grow at all. You'll just be a person that doesn't drink anymore, and probably not a very nice person, because there's no growth, there's no happiness. You'll spend a lot of time wishing you could drink. What do they call that in AA? Lynn White white knuckle sobriety, yeah, white knuckling.
Speaker 1So, and that's the reason I can tell you that I failed. The first times that I tried and got any time as far as sobriety went, I wasn't doing anything else but just gritting my teeth and making it through. It was when I allowed myself to really ask God for help and, you know, surrender it. Um, that everything changed, and I mean everything, but in the honesty part of it, tara, I couldn't agree more, and that's an about face for anyone that's been in addiction, because when you're in addiction your life is a lie, I mean, depending on the severity of it. But I'm saying I was a liar, I mean, and I went from that. I can't lie. It's very hard and I've tried, believe me, but I can't. And I mean I don't like to deceive anyone. I'm always honest and I hope somebody's not listening to this going. Well, there was that one time. But I mean, I think for the most part I'm very, very honest and it's. It's not easy sometimes because usually when you have to tell the truth about something and you don't want to, sometimes it's hurtful to the other person. But I, I'm an open book and I've got, I don't want to hide anything, you know. So it's a much better way to live.
Speaker 1And we talked about you know when's a good time today. We talked about different seasons Summer's hard, yeah, but you know what. So's winter. Summer's hard, yeah, but you know what. So is winter. So is fall. So is Valentine's Day, so is Getting started is hard.
Speaker 3That's well. Actually getting started can be easy. Keeping going can be hard.
Speaker 1Yep, there's going to be challenges, but I guarantee you it's easier than staying where you are.
Speaker 2And a much better life.
Speaker 3It's definitely more life giving.
Looking for Inner Healing
Speaker 1Yes, it is to you and to those you love. There's one regret that I have. I have many, but the biggest regret I have and I say it often, so if you've heard it before, sorry, not sorry. I wish I would have listened to those on podcasts like these, because I listened to a lot of them. All these women said these things and they were so much happier. And I get to the end of the podcast and I'm like, oh, I still didn't hear the thing that was going to make a difference for me, because I don't think I can do what they did, but you can, because there really is only one way, and that's to listen to those two that have gone before you. So it's the truth. And when, looking for that relationship, look for your friend. That's more a cardiologist than a stylist. That cares about what's inside, that cares about your heart, not about what looks good on the outside, but she's looking inside. So, tara, you had one more thing.
Speaker 5One more thing that just reminds me of, like your grandma would say right Proof in the pudding, just look to the proof and there it is.
Speaker 1Yes, very, very true, and if you could see all the smiles and bright eyes that I see on this screen, you would know exactly what I'm talking about. So, anyway, thank you, ladies, for being here, and I appreciate every one of you being willing to give your input into this, and I hope, if you're listening, you heard something today that made a difference for you, and if you'd like to talk to one of us, just reach out through Joy, through the she Surrenders website, and any one of us would be happy to talk to you more about surrendering and leading a sober lifestyle. Thanks very much and we'll see you next time.