EP 77 | Sam and Noelle's Story: Silencing the Lion

Can a desperate middle of the night prayer save your life? We sit down with Sam and Noelle Borgia as they share their story of a 20-year addiction that nearly ended in death before a 2:33 AM surrender to God changed everything. 

Sam and Noelle speak honestly and vulnerably about Sam's slide into addiction, the challenges of medication-assisted treatment, and how easy it is to lose hope even when someone truly wants to change. Noelle shares what it’s like to stand in faith when everyone around you says, “Run.” 

We talk healing, reconciliation, the “get-to” life of recovery, and how their book Silence The Lion and Shattered Mirror Ministries now serve people in programs and prisons across the U.S. 

Subscribe, share this with someone who needs hope, and leave a review so more people can find faith-based addiction recovery stories that point to real freedom.

-

After battling drug addiction (opioids, heroin, crack, suboxone) and spinning his wheels trying to get clean for 20 years, Sam Borgia tried to end his life with an overdose. Noelle had filed for divorce (still believing that the Lord would step in!), he lost his job, his health was suffering, and he had lost everything and gave up. He was left with a 5% chance to live on life support. 12 days into his hospital stay, he had an encounter with the Lord that changed EVERYTHING. Since that day, he has never used it again, and we have devoted our lives to sharing the good news that there is power in the name of Jesus to break EVERY chain. We are the founders of Shattered Mirror Ministries and authors of Silence the Lion: Wage War on Addiction and Win

Connect with Sam and Noelle

www.shatteredmirrorministries.com

Facebook: Silence the Lion

Facebook: Noelle Morabito Borgia

Facebook: Sam Borgia

About the She Surrenders Podcast:

On the She Surrenders podcast we are talking about women, faith and addiction all on the same platform. There are many podcasts for women and sobriety, but very few for women seeking information and stories from others about faith-based recovery.   

Help us reach more listeners: like, subscribe, review, and share. 

Find us on Instagram @shesurrenders_sherry, on Facebook @shesurrenderssherry, and online at www.shesurrenders.com. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:01

Welcome back to the Feet Surrenders Podcast. I'm Sherry, and my heart behind this podcast is to bring you the excellent news that faith-based recovery is where you'll discover the joy in life you never thought possible while you were in the bondage of addiction. Stories you'll hear from women and sometimes men who have lost in your students or alongside someone who has will inspire you to pursue the same freedom they've found. This freedom comes from surrendering not only our addiction, but also our guilt and shame to God. Matthew 19, verse 26 tells us, with man, this is impossible. But with God, all things are possible. I pray that today's episode brings you to a new understanding that this is true for you too, because it is. Now, on to our guest day on the She Surrenders podcast, you're gonna hear uh from two people, husband and wife. Uh Sam and Noelle Borgia, they taught me to say it, rhymes with Georgia. We're a very unique couple. Sam's addiction started long before he met Noelle and took a few different paths. And unbeknownst to Noel when they got married, Sam was in deep. Their story it's a message about not giving up. So if you love someone that's battling an addiction, no matter what that substance is, you need to hear this. And even if it's just you or someone you know, there is so much value in their message, and ultimately it's a message about discovering who you are, but also defining who the enemy is. And their book um called Silence the Lion, it is exactly that silencing the lion, which is silencing the enemy. They've done a wonderful job of sharing their story together, and they minister to many, many organizations. So I'm excited for you to meet them, and I invite you after the podcast to go into the show notes and check out their book and the many places they're serving. So here you go, Sam and Noelle. Welcome to you both. You're just a delight. We've been getting to know each other a little bit before the recording. And um, yeah, you guys have a story to tell. So as we always do in the She Surrenders tradition, I just invite you to start telling your story here. And I'm sure I'll interrupt along the way. But um, I know your story is really gonna inspire um married couples, especially. As I just got done praying before we started, that the situation for the spouse is a hard one to be in too. And we don't ever want to forget that it's not always about the addict, even though it seems like it is. So um, I'm just so grateful that you're sharing this. So, with that, I'm gonna turn the mic over to you guys. Thanks for having us, Sherry.

SPEAKER_03 3:20

Yeah, thank you so much. It was absolutely an honor to be on on here, and uh we we've been looking forward to this. So, well, as you said, my name's Sam, and uh, you know, I I struggled with uh addiction pretty much my my whole young adult life and and even before being an adult, you know. I can remember being uh 13, 14, you know, um sneaking alcohol and you know, and you know, partying and and just always always uh looking for that next thing and that next exciting thing, you know, to do wrong, basically. Like that was that was uh like fun for me, you know. And um even through high school, you know, I I partied and dabbled in a lot of different drugs. Uh I remember the the group of people I was hanging out with was just like, hey, you know, we'll try anything once, you know, and um marijuana pretty much every day, and you know, drinking when we could. Uh, I know we skip school and go to the park, and you know, it was kind of innocent in our eyes, you know, but that was setting up life for the wrong way, you know. And I was raised in a in a good home. I mean, my my dad, um, he's from Sicily, from Italy, and uh my mother is from Canada, so I was first generation. I always watched my parents work hard and they had restaurants, so they put me to work at an early age, you know, I'd say 11, 12 years old. I was always at the restaurant doing something. And um, you know, I I've always watched the people around me, they worked hard, but they played really hard too, you know. And I I just I idolized that. And um we, you know, working, you know, especially being an Italian and working with your family, it's rough, you know. It I remember me and my dad would have just wars, you know, and um you know, and I remember, you know, I always loved my father, but at the same time, I always, you know, despised in a way, you know, like well, I want to be free. I want to, you know, younger generation nowadays really doesn't understand, you know, we look forward to 18 and moving out and being free, you know, and all that. And um that was pretty much my my younger life, you know. I I would do that. I I did decent, I didn't really try too hard in school, but I, you know, I did decent. Um, I always you know just felt like it was it was boring, but you know, I still I managed to graduate and uh I would say I was like 20 years old, uh 19 or 20. I I remember buying a motorcycle, you know, crotch rocket. And uh I was like getting in trouble a lot. You know, I I remember I I had uh DUIs, you know, I think 17 was my first one operating while intoxicated. You know, it just seemed like I no matter what I did, I was always getting in trouble. You know, I I always just say, you know, if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck. Not realizing it's my actions that are that are putting me in that situation. I remember I was uh I was 21 and I got in a horrible motorcycle accident where I almost lost my right ankle. It was pretty much just dangling from the skin, and I had broken my back, and I was just uh I was beat up real bad, you know, and I remember I had to do a lot of time in the hospital and um a lot of pain, a lot of pain. And I, you know, that kind of introduced me to a whole new thing, you know, which was opiates and pain pills, and you know, I quickly got addicted to those, you know, and and back then, this is you know, back in 90 99, 2000, around there, it wasn't like today, you know, that you could get a lot of pain pills, no problem. Right. Multiple doctors, you know, and you quickly learn the game, you know, how to how to lie and and find your way to uh you know pretty much a full-blown addiction. Um recovery on that was a while. I was laid up uh in a hospital bed, pretty much like a whole body cast, you know. Um I had uh braces I had to wear for my back. And I I got pretty deep in not only addiction but depression. And uh that that was just a whole nother beast that in my life that you know I I I regretted, you know. But soon after that, the doctors got hip to what I was doing, and they stopped writing me prescriptions. And you know, I soon graduated to street drugs, you know. Uh I was buying them off the street, but that got really expensive, and I'm sure this is a story of many. And then I just started uh using the you know the hardcore drugs, heroin, you know, pretty much at that point I was so lost I I didn't care what I did, you know, as long as it made me not feel the pain that I was feeling. Um so did you can ask you a question?

SPEAKER_04 8:30

Did you ever feel like through that whole time of healing, you know, getting better in the hospital? I mean, a horrid motorcycle accident. Was it ever in you to ask for help?

SPEAKER_03 8:41

Yeah, yeah, it was in me for asking uh to ask for help, and I did. And um I went to rehabs. Uh I went to re I've been to rehabs probably to that point, I think two stays in a rehab and then an outpatient. And then uh, you know, they they actually put me on um I went uh through a methodome program, which was uh not good, you know, but I I sustained a little bit, you know, and uh then they they I did uh uh some time in jail actually for the stuff that I did wrong. And you know, that that was cold turkey, and you figure that'd be okay. Now I'm clean, I don't have nothing in me. And you know, it it just always went into the cycle, you know, of the sooner good. And we had all these great plans, and my family was behind me, and I would just go right back into it, you know, unexplained. There's no no good reason for it. I had all the tools, I had all the assets, I had people behind me, you know, uh tearing me on. And I just always continue to go back in that cycle of addiction and regret. Okay. Um so so, like I was saying, you know, they uh I did try other programs, and um, I was probably you know, getting I don't know, I remember in 2014, I I got in some more trouble, some more possessions. Um and I that's pretty much how I lived my whole young adult life, just in fear, anxiety, addiction, fear, anxiety, you know, always always knowing that I was meant for something, you know, I'm still here on this earth, I should have been dead, you know. And uh I I just uh never saw any good things happening. It was always like take one step forward and five steps backwards, you know, and then try to dig myself out of the mess that I was in. And you know, your family around you, as much as they love you, they just become numb to it, you know, and all everything you say is just on mute ears because that you've said it before, you promised that before. Uh you told yourself a hundred times this is the last time, you know. And uh I could never shake it. And it it got to the point where I I says, okay, enough's enough. I I gotta do something, and then some boxing has just come out. You know, that was like the new thing. And so I I saw a doctor. Well, I don't know if it was a real doctor, but he was able to prescribe it. And he basically told me, he's like, Look, you're you you gotta think of yourself like you're sick, and you're gonna be this way for the rest of your life. So you have to take this medicine to make you better, you know. It was never a plan for a short-term, you know, a couple weeks to get off whatever and then excel in a different way and get get help. It was just like, hey, you're gonna you're like a diabetic, you're gonna take this and you gotta take it daily. So I did, and you know, things were okay for a while, and but you know, I'd be lying. I I always chipped, you know, I always would take, you know, okay, I worked really hard, everything's going really good. I'm gonna go out one night and you know get get my fix and then continue with my life, you know. And I figured I tried that balancing act for a while. And during this time, I had actually uh was living um in a condo and working at a local restaurant and you know working mad hours and just trying to get at trying to get ahead in life, but it never seemed could you know I could never do so. And uh this was uh 2015 and uh Detroit Lions fan for some reason still.

SPEAKER_04 12:23

But oh hey, we have blue we are the biggest blue fans in this house over here, so yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:31

The last couple years have been good, but yeah, yeah, hey, and I I I still watch it, man. I I love them, you know. So yeah, I was actually living with a roommate at that time, and uh it was they had a chance for a wild card game, you know, to make the playoffs, and so we we invited some friends over, and you know, I'm a cook, so I'm like, yeah, let's do like a taco bar, let's you know, let's go all out.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

And this was January 2015.

SPEAKER_03 12:57

So it started snowing like horribly. Everybody was just canceling left and right, you know, and I'm like, you know what? I never talked to any of my neighbors, they just work, come home, and you know, that's it. I'm like, let me go see if any of my neighbors want to come by, and you know, maybe they want to hang out, get to know them, watch the game, have some food. And so I started going to it, it's like a condo, like these condos are like upstairs, downstairs, but you know, just like in like a long strip facing each other. So I was like going opposite one or the other, just knocking on doors, everybody's respectively declining. And I got to the last door, and she's like, Oh, we're good, but if you should go try that door across the way, so okay, and I did. I went and knocked on the door, and two young little girls just come running up to the door. So, you know, ma, somebody's at the door. Uh then uh a lady walked up and it was Noelle. And I I asked her, I said, Noelle, would you, you know, my name's Sam, and would you like to come and uh watch the game with us? You know, we got food and everything, and she's like, I don't think so. I don't know, you know, is there gonna be other children there? I'm like, Oh, I'm sure, yeah, somebody's gonna show up, and you know, and I said, What just come, you know, and so I left, and about 15 minutes later, there's a ring of my doorbell, and it was her and her two beautiful little girls, and yeah, that's that's how we met. And uh, you know, that's what I tell all the ladies.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

If you're praying for a man, ladies, he might just show up at your door one day.

SPEAKER_04 14:26

That's right. Oh, that's a cool story. That's really cool. Was there was there any other kids there that day, Noelle?

SPEAKER_00 14:34

No, there was nobody, nobody else there, just him and his roommate.

SPEAKER_03 14:40

I can't say we hit it off right away, but we we became friends and you know, we shared similar interests, both of us being Italian. So, you know, some mornings before I went to work, she'd come over, we'd have espresso, and we'd play Italian cards, and it was it was good, you know. And um she started telling me about herself and how you know how she was um her faith, you know, her family's really faith-filled, and they attend church often. And I I always hungered for the Lord, like I always wanted to have a relationship with the Lord, but I can't say I was you know very, you know, I wasn't religious or anything, and I didn't really, uh, I hadn't nothing to do with like the Bible or anything, but I I knew of Jesus, like I knew everything. I knew the love of God, you know, and I always you know, I said my prayers, and my family they they brought me up Catholic, so we did like the major holidays and stuff like that. Um, but we ended up talking, and you know, uh our first day was actually a church service. So she had brought me to a different kind of church I really wasn't used to, but I liked it, you know, and um it was beautiful. I actually, you know, I I started feeling something, um, and I I I kind of hungered for it, you know. And anyways, uh yeah, our our uh I I I wasn't completely honest about my past with Noala either. And I you know, I I somehow thought that you know she was like the answer to all my prayers, you know, and I could have I don't have to live that way no more. And you know, I I I left a lot of major things out about my past and my addiction.

SPEAKER_00 16:17

Pretty much all of it. Pretty much all of it. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:22

I I you know I I can't make excuses for that. A lie is a lie, you know, and I I knew deep down that I was deceiving her, you know.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

But well, I I knew the only thing that I really knew about Sam was that um he took a pill called Suboxan, and I didn't really know what Suboxan was, and I just kind of would see him hobble around after work on his bad ankle, and um it just sounded like something that he needed to take for pain. And, you know, I and I didn't know anything about addiction, about the world of addiction. I didn't know people that experienced, you know, different aspects of addiction. So I really didn't see, you know, any sort of red flags or anything like that. Um, but the only thing I did notice was, you know, I was newly divorced. Um I had two little girls, but he kind of seemed like he had all these decades where he didn't really have much going on in his life. Like he told me he'd never really been in a serious relationship, um, you know, and that he had, you know, he was a little wilder in his past, but I didn't really think much of it. He just was uh uh very sweet and and genuine. And the the thing that I loved the most about him was he really had like a childlike faith and like a hunger and a desire to know the Lord. Um, and then you could continue on, Sam. I just wanted to kind of throw that in there that and leading up leading up um to when we we actually we met in January. Um he pro he had a ring made unbeding used to me in March. He proposed in July, and then we got married in October. So just before so it was very, very um, you know, light speed uh leading up to the wedding day. But just before the wedding day, I found out that he didn't have a driver's license when we went to go apply for our marriage licenses. Um, so that's really all that I knew was okay, he didn't have a license, but she told me he was getting back and he was taking the Savoxin from a motorcycle accident. Um, and that maybe he didn't really have a whole lot of experience with relationships, but I thought, you know what, he loves the Lord. You know, we're on the right track. We're we're putting God in our life, we're going to church, and you know, we're gonna have this beautiful life together. That's what I thought. Yeah, you know what year was that? 2015. It was all in the same year. Ment in January, married in October.

SPEAKER_04 18:36

Okay, okay. Well, yeah, and I mean why wouldn't you think that?

SPEAKER_00 18:42

Right, right.

SPEAKER_04 18:43

I mean, and if you don't if you haven't been exposed to addiction and you haven't walked alongside somebody, or you haven't had a friend, or it's not been in your family, yeah. You know, it's kind of like if someone, you know, goes through I'm just pulling this out, like a heart transplant. Yes, absolutely. You don't know anything about it, you don't know what it's like to walk somebody walk along. Very clues. Exactly. Right. It's not your thing. You haven't you haven't experienced it. So why would you question it?

SPEAKER_00 19:14

Right. And and actually very quickly, um, it all started to come to a head. Um, and you know, I what I've come to learn about people uh that struggle with addiction is that um sometimes the winds of change, you know, new new things, things that even you're excited about. Okay, well, you're gonna be married, you're gonna have two little stepdaughters, you're we were buying a house at the time, um, all this excitement, but there's also a little bit of stress or maybe uh not knowing. And what that's what I've come to realize now is that I'm sure he was quite fearful about how he was going to be able to keep that balancing act up. You know, once we got married, and you're not a bachelor anymore, and you can't just go hide or sleep two days in your room anymore. Um, and as the wedding day approached, there were a couple of different days where I was like, I couldn't quite figure out there was something off about him. But on the honeymoon, um, we went to Las Vegas. It was a very, you know, we didn't have that much money to go on a lavish trip. So Vegas was a pretty cheap trip to, you know, enjoy some nice we thought time by the pool, a few shows. As soon as we got there, um just he started like turning into somebody I didn't even recognize, just drinking, binge drinking, you know, the the sights, the sounds, the the casino, the gambling. And I began to notice, I was thinking to myself, I don't even know really who I married, you know. And as the time began to wear on and we got back home and months started to pass, his character started becoming more deceptive, um, lies, not coming home, you know, when he would be off of work, sleeping several days at a time, always angry, snap. And then we started getting to the thick of it of, you know, I thought maybe um he was using drugs. I didn't, he never said anything about addiction in his life. I didn't know. I just thought Suboxan was something, okay, maybe it helped with pain. And he never mentioned you know, addiction.

SPEAKER_04 21:17

Did you have an excuse? Did was there an excuse when you asked him or Sam, what what would you say for these things that were happening?

SPEAKER_03 21:25

Well, I would, you know, I try to pass it on. I have been working a lot, tired, you know.

SPEAKER_02 21:31

That was the main excuse.

SPEAKER_03 21:32

The usual, you know, but it it it gets to the point where okay, if if and that's for anybody, if you if you think that something's going on, you start to look for those things, you know, and eventually she started finding like paraphernalia, you know, things that I just can't hide no more. And the first reaction of an addict is get real defensive, you know what I mean? Well, you don't trust, you don't do, you know, and and you're opening up a whole Whole new vortex of just badness, you know. And it's like when you're caught and you can't hide it no more, like that's you know, pretty soon it just became a tangled web of lies, you know. Trying to cover up for lies, and you know, the lies that I did I lie, did I say that? Oh, I gotta lie about that now, you know.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

But as the loved one of a person struggling with addiction, you know, I didn't know about this. So you think, well, we're newly married, he he hates me, he hates his life, he doesn't want to be a husband. This is obviously too much for him. Now he's got stepkids and a mortgage, and you know, so I not knowing the the extent and the the depth of the addiction, that's you begin to question yourself. Like, well, what is it about me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not good enough? Like, I don't understand what the problem is. I thought he loved me. He just proposed to me. We thought we were gonna have this beautiful life together, and he's not even anywhere close to the man I thought I was marrying. So this went on for about you know two years, um, until it came to a head that he was um actively using heroin uh before and after work, driving to Detroit from Romeo, which is in North Macomb County. So before and after work pretty much every day. Um, but the thing that was incredible was that he still seemed to be desiring a relationship with the Lord. It seemed like he knew he wasn't the man that he, you know, was supposed to be, but he he wanted to somehow get there. He just didn't know how to get there. So we would go to church. Uh a lot of times we would just fight and he wouldn't get up and just lay in the bed and we wouldn't go. But many times we would go to church. And uh during one of those weeks, he ended up getting baptized. And he gave the most beautiful, heartfelt testimony of um, you know, all the things that he detailed to you at the beginning of the podcast of his younger adult years, and you know, how that this was gonna be the right track. He's got a beautiful family now, he wants to give his heart to the Lord. Um, but a few days later he was back in Detroit buying drugs. So you might ask yourself, well, what did he really mean what he said? And you know, I do think he did. He he he did want to know the Lord and have a relationship with the Lord. He just could not uh shake that addiction. And we felt the enemy just had this grasp on him. Um, so it it came, you know, towards uh when was it about 2017? He tried to get off of the Savox. And by this time, the family started to find out, and it became this all-out, you know, war in the family. We're staging interventions, we're telling them you need to get help. And, you know, things began to unravel, and he finally disclosed the extent of his addiction. And over the course of the last 20 years, all of the different things that he had tried to free himself from it, you know, all the rehabs and the NA's, the AAs, the celebrate recoveries, the psychiatrists, prison times, boot camps. So now, you know, my family's in it, I'm in it. Now we've uncovered 20 years of drug addiction. Okay, now you tell me you tried everything. How do we get out of this? You know, and now, and now it now it's my job because you know, this is my life with my children. We're all living under the same hole. And I feel like we we have to figure out how to solve this, you know, and and what do you do when you don't know about this world of addiction? So about 2017, um, towards the fall, he made the decision. You want to tell about how you decided to get off the Suvoxin and you said that's it, enough was enough. I don't want to live like this anymore. I cannot do this to my family anymore. The Suboxin makes you feel like, you know, you're not firing on all cylinders, you feel like you're in a fog, everything's a mess. Okay, we are gonna do something about this. So, this is about fall of 2017.

SPEAKER_04 26:00

I wanted to ask, I think a lot of people have the idea that suboxin is an aid, it's supposed to be helpful, and you're talking about getting off suboxin because it's harmful. What was the negativity of being on suboxin for you?

SPEAKER_03 26:14

I mean, okay, so and and if you ask anybody on Suboxan, truthfully, they'll tell you the same thing. Suboxin is just a uh a pharmaceutical, another drug. It's all it is. And yes, it'll it'll it's meant to get you through maybe the hardest part of uh coming off something, you know. So we're talking maybe a week, two weeks max, you know. But when you're on this for the amount of time that I was on it, and a lot of people are on it now, you get the same thing, you just can't function properly. Your brain's like in a fog, you can't, you're not fired on all cylinders, you can't even have a conversation. Your brain knows what you want to say, but it's literally not coming out of your mouth, you know. And uh you realize if you try trying to stop taking it, you're worse off than you were with the original thing that you were trying to get off.

SPEAKER_00 27:08

So it's supposed to tell your brain, it fills the receptors, like let's say you're taking pain pills or heroin, it tells your brain, okay, yes, uh, it's the same, it fills those same receptors. It's it's not an opiate, it's supposed to be an opiate blocker. That's that's really the mechanism. But yeah, but the and this is being prescribed.

SPEAKER_03 27:28

Oh, uh thousands of that. I mean, they're in jail, people are in prisons right now on it for years. They're they're still giving it to them. And the thing is, look, uh pharmaceutical companies they don't want to hear when I say this, you know, but it it's worse than the original thing that you're taking. The withdrawal effects are so long-lasting. I mean, it's like you know, methadone. You're talking months, you know, to try to get your brain back, you know, and and who knows the damage that the long term. There's no studies on it, you know, but it's being prescribed, you know, uh 100% of the time. I mean, that's just your go-to. Right. You know, when I was on it, the doctors didn't even take insurance. They're like, no, you got to pay cash. What kind of doctor you go to says you got to pay us cash, right? That sounds like a drug dealer to me. So that's you know, uh, I look, I don't knock anybody for any way that they're trying to get off whatever they're on to try to better better their lives, but use it cautiously. Do not think that this is a long-term solution, you know.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

They're just prolonging the inevitable, the right.

unknown 28:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:35

Anyways, uh I this story can go on and on, but I'll I'll get to the I'll get to the point. We we uh came up with a plan for me to go into rehab. Um, so there was one at Elbion, Michigan that I went to. Um, and you know, our hopes were very high. Everything we we set it all up. My family, well, at least my wife was on my side, you know, and I went in and uh they they said it was a Christ-centered rehab. Um, I did go in there. I felt deceived. It wasn't. I think they had a pastor that came maybe once a week or something like that. Normal, you know, but that was okay. I was there for uh a reason, you know, and I I really started doing journaling and and reading the Bible, and I was very excited, you know, and I was corresponding with with Noelle, and you know, we were on the mend. Um that brought us, I think I went right after I think Christmas, right?

SPEAKER_02 29:32

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 29:33

Yeah, right after Christmas, I think the very next day. And uh soon there, like in in January, like the first week of January, they told me that my insurance wasn't covered anymore, that I'm sorry, but you you know, you're gonna have to go back home, you know, we unless you want to pay you know a ton of money every day. So that was a little bit of a letdown, and I was like getting off that subbox and they're decreasing my dose, you know. So it was kind of like a uh gut punch, you know, and it sent me back home, and uh I was I was uh withdrawing pretty bad. And we didn't let that stop us. We we immediately started looking for another place, and we found a place in Nashville. So, you know, we couldn't afford it, but we got the plane ticket, we got everything all set, and I went to Nashville, and I went inside another rehab. Um, on it was supposed to be like a 60-day program, so we were excited, and then aftercare, you know, like a men's program, and you know, I'm like, all right, this is you know, this is what I need, I'm gonna do it, you know, and uh we went for it, and the same thing, like two weeks after, you know, that I was actually on zero subbox, and they had me down like nothing, and uh the same thing, insurance stopped paying for it, and uh they had to call Noel and say, No, we gotta send him back to you. And at this point, it's like, you know, when you get to that point and it's like man 20 years of spinning your wheels. Yeah, it's just yeah, it gets to the point where it's like, okay, maybe I'm not meant to be free from this. Maybe family man isn't meant for me. Maybe having a nice home and like maybe that's just it's you know, the devil just starts speaking to you, like, who do you think you are? You know, who do you think you are? You're gonna get away from this, you know? And they sent me back home, and I I download spiral.

SPEAKER_00 31:27

Really, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:30

I knew I didn't want to, I I'm like, I'm not taking these like I was mad at it. I was mad at the drug, you know, I was mad at suboxing, and I was mad at Harold. Like I'm like, I'm not gonna, I'm not I'm done. You know, I'm just I'm depressed, I'm going through, you know, the withdrawals, like you wouldn't believe, just falling into just darkness. And uh, I remember I just started drinking daily, morning, noon, night, just drinking, drinking, drinking. It would dull the pain just enough, you know. And uh it got to the point where Noelle, you know, is like, listen, you cannot be here no more. You cannot be around these girls, you know. I'm like, well, that's fine. I'll just uh move back in with my mom and dad, you know.

SPEAKER_00 32:14

And he was angry, hard-hearted, like a hardest stone. Like you, there was no reaching him at this point. I mean, just he basically just wanted to shut himself off from the world. That's basically the situation we were in.

SPEAKER_03 32:28

Yeah, I was just uh I just got to the point where I didn't I was at my mom and dad's and I I didn't even want to live no more. Again, drinking day, morning, noon, and night, you know, whatever I could get my hands on. And uh it got to the just the darkest part of my world, my life, where I didn't want to hear from anybody. I didn't want to let no love come into my life. I didn't want to listen to nobody talk, nobody helped me. Uh I just I just hated everything and everybody around me. Um and I remember, you know, for a few consecutive days in a row, I just look at myself in the mirror in a drunk stupor, crying, you know, and I I had asked, I'd asked God just to take me, just take me in my sleep. You know, that that was my prayer before I went to bed. Just take me out. I'm sick of hurting people. I'm sick of leaving messes everywhere. I'm sick of this life. Like, just take me. And uh I I said that prayer one night, and I took a I went through my parents' medicine cabinet, and anything that I thought was bad, I I just filled in my fist. I drank it down with a bottle of bourbon, and that was the last thing I remember. We had Noel had made an appointment that very next day for us, because it was tax time for us, we we filed jewelry, we were still married, you know. Um, but she she uh made an appointment for us to get our taxes done, you know. When I wasn't responding that morning, she had come to my parents' house and uh knocked on the door. Um my dad answered the door, and she immediately went to my bedroom there and just found me gray foaming at the mouth and called 911. And uh I don't remember the rest because I was obviously out. So, Noel, if you want to chime in.

SPEAKER_00 34:27

Yeah, I mean, it was pretty much the the final the final blow. We followed the ambulance to the the hospital and we re we um arrived at the resuscitation room. So I think he had died or you know, flatlined and they had to revive him, I think, twice. Um, they gave us a report that he had multiple heart attacks. Um he was in like septic shock, he was in multi-organ failure, so all his kidneys shut down, his pancreas, um, his liver. We can't come to find out he um broke two vertebrates in his back. They don't even know maybe if he fell or passed out in his drunken stupor. And um, they actually had to put him on life support after they revived him. Um, so he remained on life support for almost two weeks and he had a 5% chance to live. So finally, once they um, you know, we I would go, I by this point, I had filed for divorce, but I had not uh served the papers to him because the the biggest element of this entire story in our book is faith. Like I believed that God wanted to save my husband. I believe that the Lord had something better for us in in store than than what we were going through. And I was trusting him. And as the days went on, and obviously as he wound up with the 5% chance to live, that those promises seemed further and further away. Like maybe this isn't the plan. But I still kept trusting that the Lord was gonna deliver him and free him from this addiction. But by that time, everybody's telling me, run, he's never gonna change. He's an addict, once an addict, always an addict, you know, you better, he's a liability now, you better detach yourself from him. Um, but I just I don't know. Uh I just believed that the Lord was going to heal him. So I didn't, I kept stalling to have the divorce papers uh served to him because everybody wanted me to serve the papers, but I was trying to buy my time. Just one more day, Lord, one more day. I know you can do it. I know you can do it. So finally we got the good news that they were gonna take the breathing tubes out of him that were breathing on the life support machine for him. And um, the first words that he said, we we didn't even know if he was gonna be like brain damaged or what happened after he came out of the coma, but they finally took the tubes out. And the first words he said were, Why didn't you just let me die? So um, and I kind of describe it in the book as, you know, uh like the heart of the Pharaoh, you know, when the and the the Israelite slaves were in bondage, and there was the 10 plagues against uh is uh Egypt, um, all the all the different plagues. And each time uh the Pharaoh would harden his heart and would not let the people of the Israelites go. And that was kind of like with Sam, like every single day they would come in with some sort of catastrophic news about his health. And you know, you and you would think he would, you know, open up or say, you know, Lord help me, or or something, or my wife, will you stand by my side, but he just didn't want anybody around him. He just was had walled his heart. His heart was literally a heart of stone. Um, and that's kind of where we were at for, I think he was in the hospital, you know, after two weeks now, and um dialysis machines. Um, you know, they're pumping all this fluid out of his body. I mean, really, there was nothing even left, even if the Lord were to save him at this point, it seemed like, what is there even to live for? Like there's nothing left of your body. They were telling me if he lives, he's gonna have to go to a nursing home. He needs a spinal surgery, he's gonna be on dialysis the rest of his life. So we went on like this for over two weeks, and then um Sam will tell you what happened on March 27th, 2018.

SPEAKER_03 38:22

Yeah, so I just uh was just laying there and I was like, no, I'll shared. You know, I was miserable. I hated it. I just I like you know, Lord, you won't let me live, you won't let me die. Like, what what what am I doing? You know, I was so angry. I just I truly thought that that was gonna be it. I was just gonna I was just gonna die, you know. Like I like I really believe the best thing for me was just to die. Like everybody would be more happy around me. Like I wouldn't cause them more pain, I wouldn't cause them more anguish, you know. I wouldn't be, you know, I was like a liability to everybody, you know, everybody just bowed their head when they saw me, you know. It was just shame, guilt, you know, and you like nobody wants to live like that. I truly believe that. And I remember I was late in that hospital room, and it was uh it was 2 33 in the morning, and there was no comfort to be had. I was in there just dark. I was hot, I was cold, I was shaking, my mind was racing, it wouldn't stop, you know. And I could just remember I sat up in that hospital bed and I just started crying out to the Lord, Lord, you know, please come in. I I can't do this no more, I can't do it without you. I I don't want to live like this no more. I have no hope. I have no good prognosis, like there's nothing left. I'm I'm just a shell. There's nothing. Please, Lord, come into my heart, come into my life, free me. And uh it was at that moment that I just felt like just warm tingles just come from my head down to my body, like it just the like a warm embrace, like a hug. Like I can't explain it. The words are hard. I mean, even after this time, it's it's just difficult to explain, but I felt I felt something break, just fall, like weight, like I was carrying around sacks of bricks, and finally somebody else took it over, and I don't have to carry it no more. And I felt like just an overwhelming sense of I could breathe, like everything's gonna be okay. Like nothing's going good. Like I am I'm hooked up to all these tubes and IVs, and just one bad doctor after another telling me how bad everything is. But I don't know, I felt it like I like like no more, you don't have to worry no more. I got you. Like everything's gonna be fine, and I just had that overwhelming sense. And Noelle would call me every morning at the same time early, you know, just try to talk to me. And I'm I'm like, I couldn't wait for her to call. Like it was such a weird, you know, weird feeling. I'm like, oh, I can't wait, I can't wait. She's gonna call, she's gonna call because I wanted to share this with her, you know. And I'm you know, a little bit apart of me like she's not gonna believe anything, I'm staying, you know, like you know, but she did, she called, and I and she she even says it like she just noticed immediately, you know, just my voice was different, you know. Right. Like the conversation wasn't going in the same conversation as been going for the last two weeks, you know. Like she just felt she, you know, she believed before I even had to say a word. It was so weird. And uh I told her, I told her everything that happened. I told her, I'm like, Noel, everything's gonna be okay from now on. Like everything's gonna be okay. We're I'm gonna get through this, we're gonna get through this. I love you so much. And uh she she uh she came and saw me that morning. Uh Noelle can tell you how she felt when she walked in.

SPEAKER_00 42:06

Yeah, I mean, it was just literally like you know, it says in the Bible, if anyone is in Christ, he's a new creation. Like the Lord literally took his heart of stone and and made it a heart of flesh, and all that anger, that bitterness, the guilt, just those walls that he built around this heart. It was like he chiseled them all away, and there was a beautiful heart underneath it. And um the Lord had entered it, and I mean it was completely visible. Now, you know, the the going was a little difficult because by this point, you know, everybody has known he's 20 years in addiction. You're just what? Oh, you're just getting now all of a sudden he's healed, you know. Um, but we we started picking up a little steam and eventually um they discharged him on uh Good Friday. He went to church on Easter Sunday, uh, went home on dialysis, told him he'd be on dialysis for the rest of his life. Um, and he actually got prayed for on Easter Sunday morning. First time he had stepped foot in church with me in the new church that I had been attending, met the pastor, and by the time he had gone to dialysis, about I don't know, a week or two later, they told him, Oh, your kidneys are healed. You do not need to be on dialysis anymore. So that was the first miracle. Um, well, the first miracle was the Lord taking that addiction and just stripping his all those walls off of his heart in the hospital room. And as the time went on, now this has been eight years ago now, we just watched all the things that were hurdles stacked in front of us, just one by one by one, knocked down, restored, redeemed. Um we had to unfoul for divorce. He eventually moved back in. All of the people that you know didn't believe in his transformation, uh, they they believe now, you know. Just like it says in the Bible, you know, the only thing I can tell you is though I was blind, now I see he was an addict, now he's free. That that's all we can tell you.

SPEAKER_03 44:08

It was just different, uh this time, you know. I've gotten I've gotten sober, I've gotten clean before, and every single time it feels like this huge creator void in you, you know, that's you must fill with something. And I always filled it with what the world told me to fill it with, you know, and uh with with no success, you know. But this time it was different. Like I still had that void, I still had that feeling, but the only thing I wanted to fill it with was the world with the word of God. Like I just I hungered for it, you know. It was like it was like spiritual food, you know. And um, you know, the the Lord freed me from addiction that night. He truly broke those chains off of me, but it didn't stop there. Like then, like he went to work on me, you know, and I I I spoke differently, I thought differently, I loved differently. Like I looked at things that I've looked at my whole life, but they were like new things, you know. Like I it's so hard to explain, and and I I love it. I even talking about it today, I still get goosebumps, you know, and it just it just goes to show, like you, you know, I always thought, okay, I'm gonna be even if I get clean, okay. I'm gonna get clean and I'm gonna be in recovery for the rest of my life. Like, this is it for me, you know. And I'm gonna be stuck in this this square, this you know, hi, my name's Sam, and I'm an addict and I'm an alcoholic, and this is what I am, you know, and and it's and it's gonna be really hard, and it's probably gonna be kind of boring.

SPEAKER_04 45:43

Yeah, this doesn't sound like any fun for me at all. No, like it's not fun where I'm at either, but it's not sounding fun over there either.

SPEAKER_03 45:52

So exactly, and and you know, now today I can look at things a little bit differently, and it's like it's true. Like, you know, I think of it like if I if I fall and I break my arm, you know, I'm gonna go to the doctor, and he's gonna set it in place, and he's gonna put a cast on, and that's gonna be a recovery time for me, you know. But after that, like he's gonna take that cast off. I might have some restrictions, I'm still gonna have thoughts, I'm still gonna have things, you know, but I'm equipped now because you know, my my I'm healed, you know, and I have to look at it that way. Like I'm not just I'm not just going through and I'm I'm uh you know walking on pins and needles. Like I have to believe that I'm set for something greater than that. Like I have to believe that the Lord sees a path for me where I'm I I'm not just gonna live, like I'm gonna thrive. There's no doubt in my mind. Like, I I look, I'm I'm human, I'm a flesh, you know, but I ask God, I pray for God, strengthen me, you know. And and over time, like your armor gets so thick, like any kind of inclination of any thought that comes near my mind is the door is slammed shut so fast I don't even know what happened, you know. And I I don't have to live in fear no more. Like I I I live a successful life, like I have a successful marriage. I I I don't have to live like thinking like I'm gonna destroy everything, and like I only want I want goodness for for people and you know, people around me. And some people you know condemn me for the for the way that I think and that the Lord can do these things, but those are that's I've I've experienced these things, you know. This isn't just talking like a shortcut, like you know, and I I don't condemn it. Hey, however you get clean and however you can get right with like good, you know what I mean? That's fantastic. Um, if you don't have to live in bondage no more, like that's that's a beautiful thing, you know. I only know what I went through and I only know what's worse for me, you know.

SPEAKER_04 47:50

So uh I you know I love sharing that with people, and I'm kind of on the same page with you, page with you, but I'm just gonna put it out there. This is the best way, absolutely, and you know what I call this life the I get to life. Because that's how I every day I get to, and we talk about I have a a women's meeting every Monday night, and we say often this is a get-to, not a have to, not I'm committed to or all that, it's I get to because every day brings new joy and new hope and new gladness and new goodness, and it's all because you said yes to God. You said no, no to your substance, but you said yes to God. Let me exactly, and when you talk about it's so hard to explain what that moment was, it is. I'm with you a hundred percent. I can't explain it either, but it happened, and I can see that it happened, and other people can see it in you, and they see it in me, and it's there for them too. And I don't think it's meant for us to be able to express completely what the moment was like. All we can do is show them what happened from it. Because I I struggled with that for years. Like, I don't know how to make people believe what happened to me. I can't. All I can do is live the life that he's given me because of that moment, the surrender moment. And I'm just in awe because I mean, I wasn't laying in a hospital bed, I was laying on my living room floor, but I could have been there too. We all know that. We're we're always one yet away from you know the next thing. So, but that you guys um undivorced, I love that. And yeah, definitely had a plan for you.

SPEAKER_00 49:37

So the redemption has just been like the like Sam's career now, like not only like he was a cook, like he thought he was gonna be a cook for his whole life, and now he's like a prominent chef of like multiple properties, hotels. Like he was on a billboard before as Michigan's um crime stoppers most wanted, and now he's on billboards with like you know, they want him because he's so handsome, they got him cooking on channel four, and you know, and billboards, right?

SPEAKER_04 50:08

I'm gonna come to I'm like, you guys are in Michigan, I'm gonna come to one of your restaurants.

SPEAKER_00 50:11

Oh, you gotta come for sure.

SPEAKER_04 50:14

Well, you said you said Sicily earlier. I'm like, I went there this year, yeah. Oh yeah, yes, yes, and it was incredibly beautiful. Your homeland is incredible. So in the food, yeah. So yes, I will come find you. But your story is chronicled in your book, um, which you wrote, Noelle, right? Silence the lions, and um, it is a fabulous book. What's the best way for people to find you?

SPEAKER_00 50:42

Um, you can go to shattered mirror ministries.com. So that's our ministry. And um, it's based on the book that you know, all the broken pieces of your life, instead of just trying to pick them up and put them all back together, can become a reflection each piece of his glory, as we've seen in our lives. We we donate cases of the books to substance abuse programs, recovery houses, teen challenges. And our book is uh available for free on over two million prison inmate tablets all across the U.S. So we have a really big prison ministry where we correspond with inmates and help them find recovery programs and point them to the Lord. So, and we're and share our testimony wherever we can.

SPEAKER_04 51:26

That is wonderful. I love your heart for giving back to you know what you've been through and mostly just giving hope. So I'm gonna have all your contact information in the show notes and how to get the book, um, which I highly recommend as well. But I can't thank you enough both for being here today and taking the time. I know we went long, but it was worth it. So thank you, Sherry. Two of you, so right? Double try. So thanks again so much. Thank you for having us. God bless you and your work. Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope you found encouragement and inspiration from what you heard here. If you know someone who could benefit from the She Surrenders podcast, please share it with them. Let's spread the word about the miracle of faith-based recovery. Don't forget, like, share, subscribe, and leave a review. Because when you do these things, it helps get the message to those who are seeking answers that can only be found when we put down our addictions and pick up the promises of a whole new life when we walk in recovery with the Lord. Have a wonderful week, and I'll see you next time.